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[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (11 children) | Copy Link
What do you really expect to happen here? You guys live in different countries.
The situation is ideal for a fling or perennial fling, but you're complicating shit by trying to shoehorn the whole thing into a serious relationship.
You need to ask yourself:
Why are you so focused on this girl as a serious prospect when she's not a serious prospect?
Why aren't you going for women you can actually see on a day to day basis?
And let's say you were really wanting to make something of it, why wouldn't you be doing something to make it happen? Instead of living in different countries and bemoaning that nothing can happen. Shit, or get off the pot.
[–]TasosGoudas 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (10 children) | Copy Link
She's one of a kind, that's why. Don't get me wrong I've slept with several women. You don't find her everyday.
Because I have developed strong feelings about her. Oneitis...
I was actually thinking of moving over during the winter months, but I don't know if it's worth it as she might have lost her interest...
Should I text her explaining my struggle or would I lower my value?
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (9 children) | Copy Link
Oneitis is a bullshit term. If we want to talk about how you're investing in someone that you can't actually be with, that's one thing.
But simply having feelings isn't a fucking problem. Not having emotional intelligence, is.
If you have the rapport with her to have such a serious discussion about trying to get to where you can see each other again, then sure, discuss it with her.
But honestly, it sounds like she was pulling away so you probably need to deal with yourself and wait to see her later. Keep it casual and fun until later.
[–]TasosGoudas 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (8 children) | Copy Link
I've had a discussion with her last night, explaining how I feel and asked her how she feels. Apparently she says that still has slight feelings towards me, but she explained they are not as strong as they used to be. I'm feeling heartbroken, because we used to be so much into each other, she was so excited when we were talking back then, giving me very positive vibes. I can't swallow that she doesn't feel like this anymore... I've been losing sleep over it. I have helped her with some issues she had been dealing with, giving her solid advice and she was very thankful, and now she's turned off because we had some serious discussions about us? I mean come on...
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (7 children) | Copy Link
Well, now you know.
now she's turned off because we had some serious discussions about us?
No. The reasons are not this. But it honestly doesn't matter. The point is basically what I thought it was: you guys live in different places so you've been building castles in the sky, by spending all this time hyping all of this up, when you have women near you that you could be discovering.
She's one of a kind? Literally everyone is. I know you have an attachment to her, but literally every girl you connect with, will be better at something or awesome in a different way, from the last one.
Perspective.
[–]TasosGoudas 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (6 children) | Copy Link
She told me that that how she started feeling her feelings fading, the fact that we started talking serious stuff while we weren't in a relationship, along with the distance and having our own busy lives.
What I meant one of a kind is that she's very very attractive, and that's a reason it's hard for me to get over her, along with the fact that I felt connected with her because she was genuinely feeling things for me and trusted me enough to tell me personal stuff. We spend a lot of time together, slept together for whole nights and felt so good with her. Now I'm feeling like I'm being dumped and I can't take easy the fact that she has changed so much. Talking to her is hard because I know we don't share the same feelings anymore.
I know I am not 100% rational... I am sleepless, have feelings for her and all over the place
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (5 children) | Copy Link
the fact that we started talking serious stuff while we weren't in a relationship
Yeah, this is super common. It's because starting to talk serious stuff while not in a relationship is putting the cart before the horse, and comes off desperate and weird.
Talking to her is hard because I know we don't share the same feelings anymore.
Look, what does it mean, if she's not sharing those feelings anymore? Think this through.
Does the girl of your dreams, appear in your mind as someone who doesn't love you?
Does she appear as someone you have to drag into loving you?
Is she someone who never comforts you?
Is she someone who always requires energy put into the relationship but never returns the favor?
Think about this. The girl has essentially proven that you were wrong about her. She's not what you thought. The spell is over.
[–]TasosGoudas 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
I guess I'll not do the same mistake again with another girl and enter a serious discussion, but I was only saying that maybe it would be better if we stopped talking back in September as it wasn't going anywhere, I was getting attached and didn't want to go through the period that one of us loses interest (which is happening right now). She didn't want that so I said OK. How can this turn her off? Am I not allowed to express what I feel? The next 2-3 discussion also wasn't anything too much, I was asking why have we changed so much, asking her opinion about it.
1- of course the girl of my dreams is someone that should love me. I'd never engage a relationship with a girl that doesn't feel the same back.
2- I can't drag anyone to love me. Not sure I understood this question.
3- comfort me about what?
4- we never had a relationship with that girl.
She has proven me wrong about what? What do you mean the spell is over?
Thabk you very much for your help man, I appreciate it.
[–]Moderatorrecyclablebanthas 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link
____1____
I guess I'll not do the same mistake again with another girl and enter a serious discussion
It's not about entering a serious discussion.
It's about forcing that serious discussion with someone like this that you aren't dating and really have little chance of dating because of the distance.
____2____
I was getting attached and didn't want to go through the period that one of us loses interest (which is happening right now).
What was happening is that you were building up fantasies in your head that didn't match reality. The reality is that you had a fun girl that saw infrequently, but her schedule was bringing her into your orbit regularly.
And instead of just enjoying that for what it was, you started letting your mind wander and build up some image of the relationship that it wasn't.
And then, after you built that false image of the relationship, you were afraid of losing it and just afraid of the normal cycle of interest that can occur when people don't live near each other but are attracted to each other.
If you hadn't have done what you did, she could have been one of those situations that comes and goes every few months or whatever. Instead, what happened was that you got carried away and then let fear destroy what was left.
____3____
She didn't want that so I said OK. How can this turn her off? Am I not allowed to express what I feel?
Back the train up. The point is that you built things up into a fake thing. You WEREN'T connecting with her at that point, but rather, you were connecting with a fantasy in your own mind.
Not allowed? You're missing the point. You had created a relationship with yourself and having those discussions with her about it all, drove that home and pushed her away.
Now, if you had chilled the fuck out, gone with the flow, did you own thing, and just dealt with her in person mostly when she came to town, who knows, maybe something could have happened.
But you let your mind run away with you and then let fear destroy it all.
____4____
The next 2-3 discussion also wasn't anything too much, I was asking why have we changed so much, asking her opinion about it.
It was a fun, casual thing. You guys live in different countries. What did you really expect? How do you expect to build something with someone who's NOT there? It's not possible.
____5____
So there you go. Whatever's going on now, this girl doesn't love you.
The point with all the questions was to drive home that you are investing in someone who doesn't love you.
That ITSELF proves the point that you are wrong about her.
If you are wrong with her, then why do you love her?
This is one way to get over her quicker.
[–]TasosGoudas 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago* (2 children) | Copy Link
2 and 3 are totally on point I have just realised. I was making a relationship with her on my mind, fantasising things we could do together. Her telling me how she's missing me, how she wished we were living in the same area and stuff like if she had the money she would move over here with me, didn't help either, so I believe that she genuinely had feelings for me, and also her actions and her body language while she was here.
After she started losing interest and I sensed that over texting, I started to panic, become too available and ask questions, and that also pushed her away I guess. Maybe I should have played more hard to get?
I just don't understand why I fell so much for her but she didn't, or she actually was really into me but it was my behaviour that drove her away.
Should I ghost her a little bit? I mean, she's going to be texting me, but I'll be replying in a cold and distant way and show no interest, and also text her once or twice a month or so? Would that atleast raise my value in her eyes a bit, so next time we see each other I might have a chance to enjoy time with her? What else could I do?
Edit: I think I might have not been clear about the first discussion we had. It was about cutting communication or don't contact so often, because there was no potential for us and we were talking like we were a couple. I don't understand why that would turn her off. I wasn't even asking about her feelings and stuff.
[–]recyclablebanthas1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
1
so I believe that she genuinely had feelings for me, and also her actions and her body language while she was here.
She did have feelings. But just because she had feelings, doesn't mean that the whole relationship fit into the box you were making for it. That's another point.
You keep trying to have it black or white. She either had feelings for you and wanted the whole serious relationship thing, or she never felt anything and was this manipulative bitch or something.
It's neither of those things. You can have feelings for something without needing a definition or a hard box for it. Especially when it's over long distance.
2
Again, consider your framing here. You keep assuming that you needed to do some sort of game here with her.
My point is that the game was INSIDE YOU.
You played yourself. Hard to get? No. Manipulation wasn't the answer. The answer was managing yourself and your expectations, not trying to get her to accept YOUR expectations.
3
I did explain this. You both had different reactions to the feelings.
She was going with the flow and also realizing that the distance had limitations so what was the point of building it up past a point?
You started planning and plotting a whole relationship out.
She was going with the fun and seeing what happened next. You were killing the light-heartedness of it all and worrying about the future instead of connecting with her.
4
Should I ghost her a little bit? I mean, she's going to be texting me, but I'll be replying in a cold and distant way and show no interest, and also text her once or twice a month or so?
Still missing the point. Your whole mindset about this assumes that that the options are to manipulate her (ghost her or play hard to get), or act with a lack of self-respect and desperation (being too available, neglecting your own life to focus on her, etc.)
Can you see that neither of these options is good? What you need to do is CHILL out. Go with the flow. See to your own damn life. Take care of yourself. And if she comes back into your orbit, great. If not, there are other people.
And while no one else will be like her, others will do things that she never would. Every connection is unique.
5
the first discussion we had. It was about cutting communication or don't contact so often.....there was no potential for us and we were talking like we were a couple.
Oh man. A good rule of thumb for interpersonal communications: Don't try to tell someone what they feel. If you come close to that, it does bad things.
If you're going to have that sort of conversation, it's better to phrase it as questions, not taking it all for granted. Or talk about it in terms of how you feel. Don't try to tell her how she feels.
[–]TasosGoudas1 point 8 years ago [recovered] | Copy Link
I guess it's more clear now. How could you understand that I was making a relationship in my head? Totally on point.
Just saying, the only reason I was considering to play hard to get is to keep her interested until I arrived in the UK. I was doing that from the first time she left until she came back after 1.5 month and the whole time she was super excited over texting, jealous that I was going out and even asking me to try not to sleep with other girls until she arrived. I guess if I remained that mysterious alpha that she had in her mind after she left the second time, not really care about texting, maybe I'd have better chances to have her closer during my time there, just for the sake of having fun, and not feel that coldness. I became too much of a needy beta and I'm embarrassed about it.
I don't totally understand #5. At what point do you think I told her how she felt?
I've had this discussion with a Dutch girl in the summer also. We hooked up a couple of times end of June, she left, and again, we were talking every day for a month with her. We had a discussion about stopping that because it's hard for both of us, we both agreed and all was good. We still talk once every 1-2 months, and I'm happy with it. I don't get why the English girl got upset and turned off over it, telling me she would feel heartbroken and upset that she couldn't talk to me. I found it completely logical, especially after my experience with the Dutch girl. I know that you are going to recommend that I should go with the flow, but, I know that the interest was going to slowly fade, causing to get bored of each other and I didn't want that. I wanted it to stay on each others mind as an awesome experience and accept the fact that it couldn't move on. Right now, texting each other feels like an obligation and knowing that I still have feelings for her and she doesn't as much breaks my heart and ego. It's even uncomfortable for me to text at the moment knowing that. I think the best solution is to do what happened with the Dutch girl. Not ghost her, but send her every month or so. If she doesn't send back, I'll stop it.
[–]rangerdanger0707 8 years ago [recovered] (7 children) | Copy Link
If the direction of this relationship goes where you want it to, it’s going to be a long distance thing. The most practical and applicable advice I can give you: Start videochatting. Facetime, Skype, Google Hangouts, whatever. I’ve been in several LDR’s and video chatting is so critical. It’s not as good as being together in person obviously, but it definitely beats trying to sustain emotions over just texting. Get on Snapchat too.
[–]TasosGoudas 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago* (6 children) | Copy Link
Thing is we are not in a relationship. It just saddens me that I feel like she has lost interest while I haven't. I miss those good old days that she was really into me, making me happy.
[–]rangerdanger0707 8 years ago [recovered] (5 children) | Copy Link
I wasn’t trying to say that my advice would only apply to you if you were in a strictly exclusive relationship. She has probably lost interest because the only interaction she’s having with you is text messaging (as you’ve described it). Do you interact digitally with her in any other way? Phone calls at least? My amigo, it’s about to be 2018, gotta take advantage of the resources available to you!
[–]TasosGoudas 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link
From beginning of September (when she left) to end of November (when I visited), we only video called 3 times. She was the one asking for them and I was up for them. I ve asked her like 5-6 times during that period but she was always tired so she always denied them. I can't blame her though, she's waking up at 6am and coming back from work at 6pm, so that might have contributed to the boring texting a bit. I'm back home the last 2 weeks and haven't asked her to video call yet. I'll give it a try and see.
I'm feeling like I should tell her I'm feeling heartache because of her being so distant but that might come across as neediness and turn her off? What do you think my man? Thank you for your help, it means to me.
[–]rangerdanger0707 8 years ago [recovered] (3 children) | Copy Link
Then it’s time to play the waiting game. Also called playing hard to get, or the “pull away method.” You’ve already demonstrated that you’re willing to put in effort into developing something more meaningful between the two of you. If this girl is worth your time, she’s gonna put in effort herself. This has gotta be a 50/50 thing. You can’t be the one putting in all the effort, it can definitely come off as needy. But like you said, she is incredibly busy, and that’s just where she is in life right now. Maybe she’s the type of girl that’s just focusing on her career right now and can’t devote the time to developing a relationship. That on top of the fact that she is quite the distance away makes this all very difficult. If I was in this same position as you are in, that is, falling hard for a girl with a busy life in a different country, I would slowly start to go insane. Personally, I could imagine myself doing one of two things:
The best option is to play the waiting game like above. In the mean time, get out there tiger, distract yourself with other fascinating chicas you’ve never met. I don’t know how many times I’ve fallen for a girl thinking, “Wow, I’ll never meet someone like you again.” And you know what? It’s true. But you can definitely think that about multiple girls! They’re rare, and hard to capture, but that’s why the guys in this community work so hard on improving their game. Finding gems like that takes work.
Confess how you truly feel. Sometimes, I fall so hard for a girl, that I can’t distract myself from thinking about her all day. I’ve got a busy life, filled with many hobbies. I’ve got pick-up skills I’ve developed into something I’m proud of, and can go out and find other girls. But it isn’t enough. Nothing can stop me from thinking about a girl if I fall hard enough. The life of a hopeless romantic, I’m sure you know haha. The only thing that can release me from the trap is being completely honest about how I feel, and either the feelings are mutual or they’re not. I need a clear answer, and if the feelings aren’t mutual, then I can finally move on. The state of not knowing how she feels, that state of limbo, is what makes me go insane and unable to distract myself from thinking about a girl. So maybe that’s what you’ve got to do.
And you’re welcome :) I’ve got your back amigo.
edit: grammar
[–]TasosGoudas 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link
My friend that really helps. Can we please continue through PM? I think I have some more questions about game in general.
[–]rangerdanger0707 8 years ago [recovered] (1 child) | Copy Link
Yup!
[–]TasosGoudas 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link
Done!
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