After three sets I’m ecstatic, gay with joy over having delivered an elderly opener during the day. I’m so happy I am delaying my bedtime by an hour. I decide that progress on this front is worth almost any price.

I notice that after my day set I started chatting up employees and hot girls passing by. There is certainly a type of momentum in this game. In fact I decide there is also negative momentum--the result of attempting to game but not following through. Whether success or complete failure follows the delivery of an opener, I conclude that just following through makes me better.

Around this time I realize that mental conditioning methods cannot overpower real-world experiences. They are weaker. I feel thankful to Richard La Ruina for recommending starting out with achievable goals, such as merely opening. This strategy would support the theory that self-esteem and confidence are built up relatively slowly over repeated successes. By now I’ve experimented with listening to music to put me in state, and have noticed that this helps.

I go to a local bar and chat people up. I come off as an asshole, but I prefer that to being beta. I open sets by asking for cigarettes, which seems to have a high success rate, perhaps because of congruence. I go to the mall and managed to pull off three sets after feeling a bit discouraged. Enjoying my reward, I conclude that those sets were actually quite easy. I notice that I am skirting the boundary of sabotaging sets so they can just be over. I want my reward but I hate leading sets. Elderly openers, I conclude, are much easier than direct openers, which I don’t feel ready for. I think about consciously pushing my comfort zone to motivate myself. It seemed to work this day at the mall, but I lost motivation to continue sets after I’d won my strongest reward, vicodin.

There are days during which I open no sets, but I talk to people I wouldn’t have talked to without the 100 set challenge. It’s something I can do now to prepare for the next sets. It’s a remarkable benefit of this.

A goldmine is found at a certain upscale grocery store. I exceed my next vicodin-earning milestone and feel great. My momentum was tremendous and it didn’t even feel difficult to open the later sets. I conclude I could have fucked a girl if I had “moderately” improved skills. It seems I have the ingredients for success, but not quite the recipe. I listen to rewarding songs on the way home, then I take my vicodin reward in support of operant conditioning. I think about how important logistics are in this game. They’re more important than I expected.

I hypothesize opener strain which is when a girl feels imposed upon during an opener. Leading conversation on a cat-friendly topic would reduce opener strain.

A week or two into my challenge and I’m beginning to realize my core problem. My approaches are ending because the conversation goes dead. It does not seem that girls are unreceptive to me, but they are not willing to lead the set. If I don’t lead it, the set dies. Though I had limited improvements, I was not able to overcome this obstacle during this challenge.

Perhaps depressed by inability to sustain sets, I slip into porn use. I record that it is weighing on me heavily. In a bid to spur motivation, I make badges which I can earn upon completion of every 10 sets.

It’s Thanksgiving and I plan sets along my drive to my home state. I stop at a coffee shop, really nervous. I use negative visualization to scare myself of the pain of regret. My heart’s thumping; I’m trapped between the pain of talking and the pain of regret. With no painless path out of this mess, I open a girl and experience the best set of my whole campaign. I was reaching the stages of rapport, but I just couldn’t close. I felt confident, but just had nothing to say. I couldn’t think of anything. Just a complete blank. This set makes me both happy and sad, and I don’t forget about it.

I’ve reached 15 sets and am happy with my progress. I feel I’ve got a grip on how often I let approach anxiety prevent me from opening. I’ve built up some experience mentally “dealing” with bystanders and I’m pleased with my progress here too. Resistance to opening is by now quite clearly because of the pain I experience when I “have” to lead a conversation with another human being. It doesn’t feel comfortable at all to me.

By approach 17 I realize my level of comfort can make or break a set. For some reason you just can’t hide it. It travels across the aether. On the cusp of 20 sets and my new badge, I reflect on missed direct opportunities. There’s no shortage of hot women in this world if you’re able to open any situation.

Almost a month later and I’m sitting in a coffee shop feeling terrible anxiety. It doesn’t go away. I spend an entire day sarging grocery stores, working issues, trying to ramble for 2 minutes. I notice I seem to have limited patience for ridiculous grocery store openers. After so many of them, I just can’t seem to bring myself to do this anymore. I also find that I can become stressed out and desperate towards the end of a dedicated day.

I decide that rambling to girls doesn’t feel like a hobby, it feels like a job. Sex is too remote to act as a motivator. The act of rambling, which is disconnected from sex, is not fun for me. I feel like I’m putting forth a lot of energy and not getting much reward. I wonder if women feel this way when they spend all this time on their appearance only to have men make it “not worth it.” I go through some depression and open no sets for a few months.

Back in the game I’m happy that these girl smile at me, but I’m stuck at the same spot--I run out of things to say. I’m at a nightclub in a nearby city because I don’t want to be seen doing this. Despite all the plans in the world to be carefree, I don’t feel like approaching anyone. I stand around for pretty much the rest of the night. I just don’t feel like I have the energy to be social. I say fuck my life and things like that. I note that I’m not going to do this because I just want to have some fun while I’m out.

I try a few more day approaches and become overwhelmed by anxiety and general regret. These girls start to remind me of all that I believe I’ve missed out on in life. At some point I just give up, cry, and head home.

Soon after this day I cancel the project at 35 sets. It’s clear what my obstacle is. I want to evaluate everything I’ve gone through and make a decision.

The depression that I’ve experienced since starting this challenge is real and it’s difficult to conclude that I’m better off. I’ve learned much, but doesn’t the saying go, “Ignorance is bliss?”