1. I have always had a very fear based personality even as a kid. Very hesitant to push myself to do risky things, ever since forever. Living in a house with a mother that constantly judged my every action as "this is what everyone's going to think about you" in a neurotic tone, and a narcissistic father that has been neglectful and disrespectful to everyone in the house and uses manipulation to make everyone including my mother feel bad. Of course I'm not smart enough to notice the manipulation until I hit adolescence at age 12 or 13. In middle school I was very lonely for the most part and feeling betrayed by friends that ditched me. In high school I disregarded the social circle I was finally forming and went -no contact- on my girlfriend. Stopped answering her, acknowledging her and did similar with the majority of any friends. Became very cold, dismissive and avoidant.

2. I'm now in college and have been reading and researching pickup for a couple years. I've gone out like twice and done approaches, with a handful of other times just standing around. I was pretty much forced into the sets and they went awful but I gained momentum.

Today was my second attempt at daygame. The challenge was to approach 3 sets. I did not approach even 1. I have girls left and right looking my way as I pass by, positioning themselves right beside me and flicking their hair. But what's the point if this inner child inside me continues to torment my soul?

3. I'm sad and depressed again. I contemplated the idea of committing suicide if I didn't approach after failing today but of course I've dismissed it. (I know better than that nowadays)

4. I have noticed that having a community or not having one is the difference between making it in this shit and not; that's life. The loneliness has made me feel helpless and if I can remedy it through support groups like this one and people outside of my house which is obviously the last place to look.

THIS IS THE DEMON I'M DEALING WITH. I often times hold I feel a perspective much more beautiful than what most people are capable of (attained via self-enquiry and spiritual work, samadhi experiences). However, I become an absolute psychological mess when shit goes bad.