There was an old woman sitting next to me at a coffee shop struggling with her laptop. She couldn’t connect to the internet. She asked me for help, so I took a quick look. I estimated it would probably take me around 15-20 minutes to troubleshoot so I fiddled with it for like a second and said that I didn’t know what was wrong.

Earlier that day, I read a passage on giving from Susan Jeffer’s “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyways.” She made a case for gaining strength by being a giver instead of a taker. I remembered this and saw the opportunity in front of me. I asked the woman to give me one more shot and dropped what I was doing to start working on her computer. I also dropped my shitty attitude and took on the task wholeheartedly.

Soon enough, I solved the problem and connected her computer. As I went back to work, the man next to me got up to use the bathroom, leaving his wife behind. As he left, his wife said to me “It’s freezing in here.” I simply replied, “Yes, it is chilly in here, isn’t it?” As she stood in line waiting to complain to the counter girl I noticed her staring at me. She came back a few minutes later.

Her: “They couldn’t do anything.”

Me: “That’s too bad.”

Her: “Would you like some candy?”

She reaches into her purse and pulls out a fancy piece of chocolate for me. It was both baffling and awesome. Her husband returned and saw us looking equally confused.

I’m not sure if it comes across in my writing, but she was clearly attracted to me. Not in the “I’m leaving my husband and kids for the coffee shop guy” kind of way. Just in the sense that she liked me. What had happened to make her feel this way?

Helping the old lady had put me in a different state of mind. A selfless state. The young woman wanted something from me just like the old lady did. She wanted reassurance that it was in fact cold and she wanted permission to complain. I’m not sure if I would have noticed in my regular state.

Now, I probably would have replied similarly had I not been helping the old lady, but it wouldn’t have been the same interaction. What I would have done in the past is say, “Yes it’s kind of cold,” but what I was really communicating was, “I agree with you, now repay me in gratitude and affection.” The subcommunication is what’s key. I didn’t want anything from her and she felt that instantly. This is also the way interactions go when I’m “in state.”