**First off this is long and I just had to post it. It is full of typos, awful grammar and whatever but yah I just had to get this off my chest. I have a final in two days and I just couldn’t stop writing this. I guess that’s what It like to have passion, anyway here is the nonedited, non read over, bull shit

People have to realize that its not all about anything. What life is about is finding yourself. You will not find yourself through a book, a movie, a girlfriend, a tv show. You may find yourself through all of those things together. I still don’t know who I am but I had an epiphany, I hate that world, while watching this movie don jon. Sure it’s a movie about jacking off and porn and shit but it really spoke to me. Because I felt exactly this guy did. Now, hell, I’m probably 10 years younger than the guy in the movie and I am no where near as good with women, well by good with women I mean getting them in bed, as he was. But he couldn’t jack off without porn and watched it constantly. I thought I needed porn to jack off. I have been porn free for a bout a week now and I realize how important it is. I only lost my virginity about 5 months ago to some chick that I really didn’t like I just fucked her, to fuck her. It wasn’t even that good; she blew me, I put her in every position I wanted and I was 2/3 chub the entire time. The only time it felt kinda good was when I went doggy with no condom (that was a mistake got very paranoid the next day). It didn’t feel good, I think, like this movie was saying, because I did it from my perspective; I told her to do everything and maybe that was hot for her but only on the rough man tell you what do caveman perspective – not from knowing that person and getting lost in that person. If it was good sex we would have had it over and over and I wouldn’t of jacked off in a bathroom an hour later to tori black, and I came in a couple minutes from tori! I even felt like a big badass the next day because I was telling my bros how I did all this shit to this girl, and they new it was a fact because they, after we fucked, came back and slept in adjacent beds next to me and her. I mean, I’m going to sound like a girl her, but I felt empty inside afterwards. I still am into seduction and getting girls. I hold eye contact and try and open girls(haven’t opened a single girl btw) have only met girls through friends but its just like I don’t care about that shit right now and by right now I mean right at this moment. Tomorrow, hell even later tonight, I will probably lament about a couple of girls who I should make a move on, ask out or whatever because, this is gunna sound cocky and its probably not true, but whenever I’m with them I feel like they want me I just can’t pull the trigger. I’m gunna try that 5 second rule thing or whatever anyway besides the point…

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I know i want a girl and I want to fuck but that is on the sidelines. Its my game, its my match its my fucking life. If it pops up it pops up, I will probably mess it up, but I realize that me being centered on me is the most important thing. The don jon guy at the end realizes his girlfriend is just a fuckface and trying to change him and whats important to him IS IMPORTANT TO HIM and that’s all that matters – other than the porn - that’s gotta go. You’ll never really connect sexually with a girl with that crazy shit.

Anyway I’m getting off track, what I’m really trying to say here is that you are important. And you are the most important, I didn’t have a fucked up family, I had the perfect family: well off, good parents, great siblings I was probably smack dab in the middle on the popularity scale in high school so. But after all that and a year of college I didn’t really know myself. I’ve started to get really into style and personal development but all of these are hobbies, like poker/Spanish/etc are just bullshit. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!! Is to develop yourself at all costs. Fuck the girlfriend, fuck your job, fuck your major, fuck your friends. If you can’t find yourself, and can’t find you, none of those things will mean anything to you. You will be faking your way through life and even if those people like and your having a good time you will never feel fulfilled. Sorry that last line was cliché and bullshit I don’t’ mean fulfilled. I mean you will never feel real; it will never be easy to be around these people, to do these things, to have these emotions. Being vulnerable is the first step. Being able to analyze myself. Analyzing yourself allows you to look at what you like and don’t like and try and fix those things and if you can’t do that then, well, have someone make you do it, read books and watch movies until it clicks. Fuck it I don’t know; all I know is I was just watching an R movie about a guy who watches porn and loves jacking off and think I have just changed my life not like “oh my god what a big moment! My life will be different from now on.” I said that in my head like a sorority girl just finding out she was accepted to some bull shit internship. Anyway its just the bomb. I haven’t done shit in my life ABSOLUTE SHIT. Sure I have a good family I study hard, get good grades, fucked a girl, have awesome friends, am fairly physically fit and healthy, eat right, am dressing better, but really I haven’t done shit. And I am on cloud nine right now. I can’t explain it it’s a passion, a burning happiness, that starts from that first hole after your sternum, almost like a fuzziness a buzzing, and stretches up through the front of my neck and then branches off to both of my temples like, “HEY ZACH HERE WE FUCKING GO, this is what life is about zach. You may not know what you want but you know how IT FEELS to know what you want. You know how it feels to be validated, even if it is by a movie. You know how it feels to be real and be iN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.” Its so hard to explain but that’s the closest I can come to. Hell I just wrote a ton of bullshit prob gunna need to edit down a lot of this stuff. But heck I just had to type, had to write this FOR MYSELF. No one will probably ever read this except me, hell I may not even read this again. I just had the urge to not consume but create because once a person realizes what plugs them in; what explodes like a fucking nuke in their chest, there is no stopping them for they have all a person needs in life – they have meaning.

**I’m never gunna go on this account but I just had to share this its probably full of tons of misimformation and shit (hell i'm 19 i don't KNOW ANYTHING AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE), the whole point of that was that nothing is set in stone except me so my opinions may change but yah