OK so having just got out of a 9 year relationship with someone who I belatedly realised was an Emotionally Manipulative Woman, I'm now obviously extremely interested in making sure I don't make the same mistake twice.

I've done a bit of reading up (there were a couple of good threads on a PUA forum somewhere that I've tried to summarise here) and it appears that there are some warning signs and ways of testing for an EMW.

Signs:

  • Has few friends
  • Keeps friends separate from each other
  • Other women hate her, especially your family, your friends, and her ex-friends
  • Always makes herself out to be the victim, even when she is in the wrong
  • Won't agree to take things slowly at the start of a relationship (or will lie and agree but still latch on like a leech)
  • Fixates on you (initially - this will wane with time unless you drive a hard bargain)
  • Will come back for more if you ignore her or end the relationship
  • Hates when you show signs of independence
  • Emotional support is a one-way street: you have to support her, but she won't return the favour
  • Loves receiving but not giving in the bedroom
  • Apologies from her always have a 'but'
  • When you call her out on her behaviour she deflects it by debating semantics
  • Puts words in your mouth when arguing
  • Blames you for her behaviour
  • Tries to make you feel ashamed

Tests:

  • Put her in a frustrating situation (e.g. be really late to a meet) and see if she completely freaks out or whether she handles it sensibly
  • Question her about what happened with her exes. Refusal to talk about it could be a sign of an EMW if coupled with other things here.
  • Criticise her about something that she probably knows is wrong with herself and see if she blows up about it (and/or turns the blame around onto you).
  • Try and find out if she had any childhood trauma (e.g. abuse etc)...obviously you have to approach that subject carefully with ANYONE. If she's not an EMW this may fuck everything up.
  • See if she freaks out when you spend time with her friends without her being present
  • Insist on her paying for something expensive that you're doing together (e.g. buying the booze for the evening) and see if she treats you like shit or passive-aggressively makes you feel bad for it
  • Mention the concept of an open relationship, or that you want to see other people for a while, and see if she freaks out
  • See if she freaks out if you talk to another attractive girl in front of her

Anyone got anything to add?

I'm ideally looking for signs/tests that I can use early on to avoid getting sucked in, so anything that requires months to show up isn't much use to me personally (although it's probably good to add that here for others to see).

This is particularly important for guys like me who have a thing for alternative girls - there is an undeniable (and sad) correlation between mental illness and the alternative scene. If I'd seen the lists I've just posted 9 years ago, I'd be a much stronger man than I am today.

EDIT: also interested in where we draw the line between the usual shit tests and female behaviour, and where it spills over into dangerous territory.