Hello

I've spent a lot of time lurking here in /r/seduction. I've read the FRs, the FAQ, the posts on continuing conversation and making a girl invest, pickup lines, ways to push through lmr, etc. I've read a little literature in PDF form, including parts of Models, and other such manuals.

I have a cohesive picture of how I want to be. The strong independent man who don't take no shit from no one, and defines life on his own terms without expecting anything from anyone else but isn't an asshole; that's who I want to be. I know how I ought to behave because I understand that all advice given here is consistent with 1 principle: strong InnerGame. The amount of theorizing and reading and conceptualizing the ideal me I've done doesn't mean I don't get out in the field. I approach, maintain eye contact, set an aggressive frame, make my intentions clear, and so forth. Yes I could go out more, I can approach more--so can we all.

Nonetheless, I don't think that's my problem nor do I think it's anyone's problem who is posting here for advice. I feel AA like the rest of us. Sometimes I'm in state and sometimes I'm not. Moreover, being 18 and beginning college and finally approaching women has made it clear to me that I carry a lot of emotional baggage. I'm pissed and frustrated about many things, including women, that I need to let go of or I'll never move forward.

The reason I wasn't aware of these emotions is because I am dishonest about what I feel and how I feel. Moreover; underlying these symptoms in my behavior is a fundamental discomfort with "who I am". Call it an identity crisis if you will. I don't fundamentally love anything. I don't have a deep passion. My inability to express myself to women stems from an inability to express myself to myself. Given unwavering knowledge about myself, what I want, what I'm willing to do, what my motivations are, what my passions are, etc. and not just a socially conditioned lie perpetuated by a dishonest self narrative about what might be good for me, I would be an unstoppable PUA. Call it a limiting belief if you will; however I belief the only reason pickup theory "OuterGame" works without preexisting strong InnerGame is because the willingness to engage in this game subconsciously sends a message to women about your willingness to experiment, self improve, etc.

Now this identity crisis, as it were, leaves me on a precipice: I can continue to wait, eating correctly, going to the gym, approaching women, reading some PU theory, meditating (all the things I ought to do) and wait for an identity to come for me. Or I can jump, do something insane. Follow something and everything even if it isn't a passion. Risk loss. Take serious risk. Find myself as it were. This is why finding yourself cannot involve others; it must involve the fundamental risk of not relying on a formula. Deep congruence comes from within. And realize that you cannot even be congruent to the notion of congruence espoused in the previous paragraph, because that came from me, not from within.

You cannot meta-conceptualize finding yourself into some schema presented by people on this subreddit. You are your own person. Until I accept that fact, gain true, sexual or emotional, connections with women.

TL;DR Read the fucking wall of text