Hey guys, /u/QtrainCardigan back at it this week, and boy, this was quite a week. This week really shook me up on what to expect while going through this process of self-improvement socially and mentally.

Here are my stats for the week:

Approach Anxiety: 7

Approaches: 5

To start off, this week has made me realize how much work I still actually have to go. This week immediately started off with me getting full on AA over and over again. I am not so sure why my confidence got shot down or why I was struggling so much after last week. I guess one of the major differences was that I was putting a lot more thought into the approaches, which in turn, made me more nervous looking for that "perfect" approach or that approach that will help me out for the week. Telling myself that I was able to approach and remembering my previous interactions was probably the most detrimental part of this week.

Most approaches this week were pretty weak. Here is the rundown:

  • Brazillian girl: Little english, didn't really understand my opener (forgot to write down what it was.) this was a pretty formal conversation and once I felt she wasn't really into the conversation, I cut it short and moved on with my day.

  • Girl with camera: This was day two. I was a bit upset with myself with the fact that I was only able to make one approach the previous day, which was mediocre in and of itself. talking to this girl with her camera pretty much went the same way. I couldn't really think of what to talk about with her other than really boring stories and she didn't seem to be adding much to the conversation, making me think she wasn't into it, which made me cut the conversation short and moved on. This was my only real approach on on day two.

    I am realizing that rejection isn't something I am really scared of. I can talk to a girl and see that nothing seems to be coming out of it and just move right on.

  • Lisa, the French girl: This started with me noticing that she was a bit lost. I went up to help her and spoke to her a bit. It was a pretty friendly conversation but it seemed nothing more than that. we spoke for a bit, laughed for a bit and then said our goodbyes. This was the only real approach of day 3.

Now after day three of not being able to replicate anything similar to last week's approaches, I was feeling pretty sucky and started putting myself down. Day four made things a bit more interesting though.

  • Day 4, things took a bit of a turn. I was actually on my way home once again, trying to see if there were any approaches I wanted to make. My last 3 days were on my mind heavily because by this point in the week I was doubting myself and wondering whether my first week was just a fluke. I kept seeing women that I considered approaching but quickly shut the idea down over and over. I am not sure if I would consider these AA just due to the fact that I can really feel when AA kicks in and these were more of a "Whatever, I don't want to" though this could very well be a thinly veiled AA. So there I was, ready to call it quits, waiting for the train to take me home, when I thought to myself, "fuck it, the next attractive girl I see, I will just say the first thing that comes to my mind. Don't think, just do. Don't think, just do!" I looked towards my left to see the arrival time on my train and saw that I had about a minute to approach someone. looking over to my right, I see a cute girl (let's name her C) just walking up next to me and just went for it:

Opener: Hey? Have you ever accidentally put on mismatched socks? I mismatched my socks this morning and it's been bothering me the whole day!"

C immediately started laughing and said, "Yeah, I've done that a lot of times! how are mismatched socks bothering you though?"

me: "I think I may have grabbed one of the oldest one and one of the newest one in my drawer and now one sock is strangling my foot while the other is just barely hanging on"

She laughed and I introduced myself. I kinda assumed we were taking the same train and I was right. the train pulled up and we walked in to continue our conversation.

Now guys, I don't really know when I noticed or realized it, but this girl and I really quickly clicked. I am not sure how to explain it. Our sense of humor was dead on and every joke I made would just make her laugh. she was making jokes right back and I was actually genuinely laughing at her jokes. our conversation started off pretty basic just telling one another about our likes/dislikes/hobbies etc. but all the meanwhile, we were still joking around and having a good time. She had told me she was headed to a park to just walk/read/relax. Mind you, this is at the end of the day (approaching 8-9ish) so I was a bit interested in why she would be doing something like that so late into the day. As our train approached the station, we both saw that my second train was just pulling into the station and I would basically have to dash from our train into the next one and she said, "aw, that's your train right?" I understood the hint and said, "yeah, but how bout I be a creep and just walk you to the park?" she laughed and asked if I was sure/if I was in a rush to get home. I said no and just walked out the station with her.

Once we were out, we kept joking and laughing and stopped by a store so she could buy herself a drink. we walked to the park (nighttime by now) and just kept talking. We actually spoke about some pretty personal stuff by then. she told me about some stuff that I won't share but I'll just leave it at the fact that we came from similar struggles, hers being significantly worse than mine.

Now I know this sub has it's whole deal with Kino and IOI's and all this other stuff but in the moment, I really didn't care about that, I was just having a great time with her. After a while, we sat at a bench waiting for a bus and kept talking. We got on the bus and kept talking. I wasn't sure where this was going but I was just going right the fuck along with whatever. While on the bus she said, "I'm getting off in two stops. Let's exchange numbers!" and I more than gladly did. She handed me her notebook and said, "Here, write your number down in my notebook." I did so and handed her my phone and she input her number. I had realized that she was fumbling with the phone and the bus was stopping already. She looked at me and I just told her, "You know what? fuck it, let's get off the bus." she smiled and agreed and finished putting her number once we were off of the bus. she mentioned that she rarely felt comfortable talking to someone this much, I didn't really know what to say to that. We reached her block and she said, "do you know how to get home from here?" and I said yes (I did) and told her I would just walk home from there. She said, "I'll walk with you to the next train station!" and I agreed with her and we got to walking.

We kept walking, kept talking and we ended up two blocks away from my apartment when she looked towards the river and said, " I haven't been up here in a while, It looks really pretty" Again, I took the hint and said, "That's all you needed to say, let's go!" her face lit up as she said, "Really?" and we walked towards the river. We got to the street closest to the river and just leaned over the wall that overlooked at the river and the west side highway. we stared at the cars and the skyline of New Jersey while we continued talking. we spoke about everything. about our family, our thoughts, our ideas, past relationships, jobs, sexual experience/beliefs. We spoke about the moon and the cars. What it would look like if cars were invisible and you just saw people in a sitting position zooming past you. The fact that for a billboard to be designed, some guy grew up, studied, worked his ass off in college, graduated, found a job and worked on this dumb little billboard advertising a strip club. The fact that anything you can think of can be so weird. the fact that people lived stacked on top of each other is weird. The concept of clothing is weird (though understandable). The moments of silence were just as great as the conversations. after 3 1/2 hours she decided it was time to head home and we walked back towards the city. We hugged as we said goodbye and asked what was going to happen? when will we meet up again? She said, "we'll figure it out. If it happens, it happens." and she walked away.

Oneitis has never hit me so hard and so fast. I am not sure where this will go but I am sure looking forward to it.

This update was made partly to vent, partly to help. I was having a bad week being so hard on myself and once again, my "fuck it" attitude helped me go through an experience I never thought I would have before.

Don't restrict yourself. Don't be frightened to put yourself out there. At this point what scares me more than rejection is knowing that I could have missed this experience if I would have let my insecurities win me over. "I mismatched my socks" was all it took. Seriously.I am really not sure what my end goal is with this, with seddit. I just know that the road there is full of opportunity and growth. Better get to it. I'll update you guys next week.