Im going to try to keep this short. Its been alot and I just cant take it anymore.

Me and my ex (still married legally) have been separated for a year now, she put me through hell and I let her, i loved her more than ive ever loved anyone. I thought she would change i guess but I kept taking her back after she would leave back to Georgia doing God knows what with God knows who (i don't know for sure if she cheated) each time she wouldn't apologize she'd just say "I want to come back" and my dumbass would let her. A year ago this month she did it again, left me with a house we rented together and all the bills. This time I decided I needed to stand up for myself and stop letting her run over me, so before she left (I had a feeling she was going to) she got herself fired from her job and I told her i would pay everything and she could be a stay at home wife but that meant cleaning and cooking and starting a family. She in turn let her dog shit all over the house and left it for me to clean and spent the next week leading upto it doing nothing but watching TV.

I know she was a horrible and abusive person but I have never gave my all to someone like this before, this past year I switched off everything, just stopped caring and proceeded to just go to work and go to sleep. Its put me in a deep depression, some days are better than others but I don't know how to get over this, she screwed me in every way possible 5 times she's done this to me and maybe me marrying her was me thinking if I did she wouldn't leave again, I don't know but why do I still love her and why cant I get her out of my head.

Recently I met this amazing woman and started to try to relearn how to feel again and all these feelings I've been ignoring and shutting down have come up essentially blocking me from being able to let down this wall I've created.

I want to be me again, I don't know who I am. I feel as if she stole my soul.

I know this is alot and all over the place and I apologize but I don't have anyone to talk to that understands, they say they do but I know they don't. I just feel alone.