39, Chinese, immigrant to New Zealand 10 years ago. stay home dad for 4 years, then part time job to fit in school hours. now i am divorcing. my wife, from UK, big manager for Fire and emergency, earning top 10% of salary. she cheated on me with 8 guys and hide 1/3 of her salary for herself. my family and i gave 300,000 for IVF and house deposit. I am willing to go 50/50 of everything, not chasing after her hidden money. why do i still have dreams telling me i have hidden anger? i know what a real healing look like. no bitterness. i should not worship my wound. i should let it go. however, i am still living under her roof. yes, this is her house, not mine. she organise my daughters life and also the house as well as mine.

I felt powerless. I have no means to make a living for myself after the break up. my daughter is 8. she will keep the house and i won`t match her house so my daughter will like her more than me. i fear. all of my effort and sacrifice worth of nothing. i want my daughter to be strong, have the courage to face the world of storm. i fear, i wasted my entire life. achieved nothing. cannot make a living. i am angry, a honest, loyal family man cannot get any justice. cheating and theft is not punished. i am far away from healing. everyday i anticipate pain. there always storm ahead of me. peace and fun feels temporary. there always pain awaiting after the short lived good time. life is hard. i dont know what 'being saved' look like. no beautiful and decent girl would love me. i know God says i should not put eyes on the worldly reward. but why you only make bad people be admired? i am so lonely. i want friends. i want to be hold by someone who loves me. i know i should parent myself, i should be strong. but fuck that, i want someone else says it. 王鹏宇,你真棒。Wang, you are great. i love you. i love everything about you. your kindness, you are so handsome. i want to be rich, so bad. so bad so bad. i am so tired of sacrifice what is mine to the one who just stabbed me. i hate my wife. i want someone says it. it is normal to feel that way. none, it is so cold down here. God lay a heavy burden on me, i could not see the end of it.

when could i come out?ｗｈｅｎ could i stop bleeding?