I'm so glad I discovered this FDS! I lurked on this sub for months with my fandom-associated reddit account, but today I made an account exclusively for FDS. After studying your handbook, I wanted to take a stab at adapting core FDS principles to the life in a religious community. FDS welcomes women of all creeds, as well as those who do not follow a creed or religion. That being said, these interpretations of FDS are not explicitly for religious FDS women, but rather for all women who live in communities that are strongly influenced by religion.

I am a graduate student attending a Christian university, so I will be speaking from my experiences dating in a Christian religious environment, but I believe these guidelines can be applied to other religious communities. Although the principles of FDS transcend most cultures, I can think of three areas of dating that need to be addressed with extra scrutiny while navigating a religious culture.

#1: How to weed out LVM that don’t push for pre-marital sex?

Like I said, my religious community is a Christian university. At my school, pre-marital sex is strictly forbidden. Students that are caught having pre-marital sex can face academic probation or even expulsion in some extreme cases. Obviously, lots of members of this community still have unmarried sex (some more secretively than others) but what’s important in this example is that this community has a cultural norm of not have sex before marriage.

Your religious community may have a similar cultural expectation of no unmarried sex. Unfortunately, living in this culture does not automatically turn LVM into HVM. Many LVM will choose not to engage in pre-marital sex because of fear of punishment or because of laziness (sneaking around can be hard work for some LVM!) How then, can you weed out a HVM from the LVM who also do not push for uncommitted sex? Treat passionate kissing and make out sessions the same way that FDS treats sex in general, because making out is arguably the height of pre-marital physical intimacy in religious communities. Do not make out with a man unless you are in a committed relationship. Netflix and Chill is harmful to a relationship no matter if it ends in a make out or in sex. Group movie nights are fine, but one-on-one apartment movies nights reek of LVM.

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#2: Be aware of warped attitudes about feminine sexuality and responsibility.

Many religious men harbor the belief that women are naturally more spiritual/righteous/pure than men, or that women have weaker sexual appetites than men. Whether or not this is true, some men may use this belief to rationalize putting the burden of sexual boundaries on women. If a make-out session is becoming too steamy, or the man is feeling himself getting carried away and wants to have pre-marital sex, then he may rely on the woman to “shut things down” or “keep them chaste.” This is an unfair burden. Do not be fooled by a man who says that you need to be the one to uphold physical rules and boundaries in a relationship because you’re more spiritual/righteous/pure. He is USING you as a safety net to let him get as much physical pleasure as possible without feeling guilty after. You are responsible for your physical boundaries, he is responsible for his, and if he is consistently pushing your boundaries (even under the guise of “passion” or “weakness”) then he is a LVM.

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#3: How to address pornography in a religious culture?

Pornography use has a negative stigma in religious communities. Members of religious communities certainly still view it, but there is an extra level of secrecy and shame associated with porn consumption. Negative cultural attitudes towards pornography can make it more difficult to get the truth about a man’s pornography use. Some men may be off the opinion that if they confessed their pornography use to God and/or to an ecclesiastical leader then they have no obligation to tell you about it. You must be very careful and deliberate when you broach the topic of pornography. Becoming romantically involved with a porn addict will destroy your happiness and your future family, and religious porn addicts are the sneakiest of them all.

Do not ask “Do you have a problem with pornography?” or “Do you have a history with porn?”

These questions give men an easy way to answer “no,” even though the answer is almost certainly yes. We live in the information age. Everyone has been exposed to pornography.

Instead, ask “When was the last time you viewed pornography?”

Be very wary of a religious man who cannot remember the last time he consumed pornography. Chances are he is either lying or does not consider pornography to be a big deal. Either way, he is a LVM.

After he tells you when he last viewed pornography, follow up with “What kind of pornography was it?”

As you ask these questions, try to keep your tone of voice as neutral as possible. Do not take a reproachful tone, as a man will clam up or outright lie if he feels he is being unfairly judged or preached to. You want to know what level of pornography this man has consumed. Even though he will certainly understate the severity of the porn, this question can give you a general idea of the explicit media he has consumed.

Now here’s the critical follow-up questions: How did you approach that situation?” and “What are you doing to prevent that from happening again?”

All men feel some animalistic draw to view pornography, but HVM take decisive action to prevent themselves from viewing it. You will need to use your personal judgement on whether the man’s preventative actions against porn use are sufficient, but in general some good answers to these questions include not taking their phone to bed/in their bedroom, only using their computer in public spaces, installing content blockers on their devices, and having a specific family member or friend they call when they get the urge to view porn. Some men may say they are working with an ecclesiastical leader to prevent themselves from viewing pornography, or attending a support group. These responses are yellow flags unless they are accompanied by strong personal boundaries. Some religious porn users get caught in the cycle of viewing porn, talking to an ecclesiastical leader, superficially repenting without lifestyle change, and then using it again. You do not want to be romantically involved with a cyclical porn user.