Well because of my actions burnt the last bridge I had with anyone that isn't my family. I don't regret it. Most of these people were only my friends because they could get something from me. In this case it was my weed dealer. Got mad because I'm on Lorazepam and I'm drinking right now. Tells me it could kill me. Maybe he is right. Don't really care tired of all this pain and suffering I must endure and the hard work I must put it just to only inch closer to independence. Tired of being alone which contradicts my actions, but I see it as having no friends is better than bad friends who never invite me anywhere who never talk to me or even share anything hobby wise together. I'll get some asshole telling me that beggars can't be choosers, but hold up two options food with rat poison or going another hour without food to find a half eaten sandwich in the garbage most of the time they will choose the latter. Anyways I am just rambling. I am not sure what to do I am hella miserable tired of dealing with my pain and my medical conditions tired of having to take shitty classes that has nothing to do with my degree. Tired of wanting to further my studies but unable to because of shitty roadblocks and lack of resources. My parents has no fucking business bringing a child into the world let alone two and now that I am here I am lost with no fucking direction. I think I am sinking int drugs and alcohol that is predisposition in my family and I am honestly losing the will to care about it now. How the fuck are people able to get out of these ruts. I mean fuck I am supposed to be an adult I am supposed to be able to handle myself and do what I need to do to be independent and I can't even come fucking close to that goal. I am just a manchild loser that honestly no one could give a rats ass if I existed or not the next day. Tired of always self reflecting and seeing the worst of me and my mind telling me how worthless I am. I bet I wouldn't be this far gone if my family would have stayed together. At the point where I am hoping this medicine alcohol mixture makes me die. I am so hoping for it. Though I probably wont die and Ill wake up tomorrow as worthless as ever.