The topic is intriguing, but I'll attempt to write and analyze it with a focus on inquiry and reflecting on my past without losing its essence.

Let me start by describing a recent encounter that prompted deep reflection. I was waiting outside the door to collect some items after class when a Russian girl approached me. She was about a 9 out of 10, and she asked me directly, "Hi, you're very handsome and have a great body. Do you have Instagram?" Initially, I found the situation intriguing. I'm accustomed to similar opening lines from foreign girls, or if they're Turkish, from older women. However, it was the first time I heard such words from such a stunning girl. I informed her that I don't use social media, but I suggested we could chat a bit. We ended up going to a nice place, having drinks, and engaging in genuinely enjoyable conversations. What struck me the most was her gesture of paying her own bill before I even realized what was happening. In the past, I might have been infatuated with such a girl—beautiful, cultured, making the first move, and sensitive.

Although I hadn't given her my number and the topic hadn't arisen between us, the girl somehow found my number and messaged me. Frankly, I was surprised that a girl whom I hadn't given my number to took the initiative. Nonetheless, we continued to have pleasant conversations, exchanging good nights. Over the next few days, she initiated several conversations, and I responded. Perhaps she sensed something because I hadn't initiated any conversations, replied late, and seemed unwilling to engage. She sent me a long message expressing concern that she might be bothering me, to which I reassured her that she wasn't, explaining that I'm a bit introverted. Despite this, she continued to message me as before, expressing a constant desire to meet up. (Actually, at this point in the text, I realize some things [I'm reading it on another day. I wonder what I realized?]).

However, the person I aspire to be no longer desires what the person I used to be desired. This change stems from listening, observing, experiencing, and understanding the nature of women. The love men feel for women is not reciprocated by women. Our concepts of love differ significantly. When men truly love a woman, they love her for who she is. Although we subconsciously evaluate certain traits when initially choosing a partner, once the relationship begins, even if those traits fade, as long as she remains faithful, men will protect and love her unconditionally.

However, women's love doesn't work in the same way; they don't love a man simply because he's a man. (Continued another time).

-----------------------------------(Continuing the writing on another day)------------------------------------

Currently, I'm working on several texts simultaneously, but often I don't publish them, leaving only the titles or paragraphs. I have nearly 30 drafts on Reddit alone, with additional notes on WhatsApp, Samsung Notes, etc. I leave them, hoping to complete them someday. It's frustrating—I spend all day talking to myself, writing, drawing, but when I think about putting them on the monitor, I freeze. Nonetheless, I'll find a solution, perhaps directly expressing what's on my mind for easier analysis.

The girl could possibly be the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Not only did she make the first move and find my contact information, but she's also been messaging me for days despite my lack of response. Recently, she even came to my faculty just to see me, attempting to cheer me up when I was feeling down. Despite my attempts to maintain a poker face, it's as if every man's dream woman is pursuing me, yet I feel nothing. This sort of situation happens to me relatively frequently; I wait until it starts repulsing me, and then they leave. But not being able to feel anything even towards such a girl has made me question things even more. There's a saying that goes, "You either love women or you understand them," and I've truly grasped the reality of that saying through experience.

However, my emotions are gradually fading. For the past 8-9 years, I always wore headphones at the gym. A month ago, I worked out without them for the first time, and now I sometimes use just one. I can sense that something within me is dying. Similarly, I used to walk with only one headphone, but now I walk without them altogether. Returning to the example of the girl who inspired this writing, in the past, I might have entertained the thought of fulfilling her desires, hoping to make her happy or score some points. But now, even though she's truly like a model, I can't even pretend anymore. Even if she were to come on to me—which she hasn't—I'm unsure if I could accept.

This all stems from a fear of not wanting to be a bad person. There are incidents from high school that I remember clearly. For example, girls who liked me would try to make me jealous. I realized then that I didn't feel anything, not jealousy, nor being a jerk. I understood these were tests, but I couldn't muster jealousy. Human emotions seemed simplistic to me, but I would pretend to be jealous to pass the test. It took me some time to rationalize and analyze this initially, but I eventually did. Or, in another instance, when kids tried to threaten and scare me, I would analyze the situation and pretend to be angry, even though I felt something else. Similarly, in typical male-female situations, if she liked me, then let's have sex. I used to have a straightforward logic, but now I can't fake it anymore. I'm gradually disregarding societal norms.

I don't know; when I started walking without headphones, I found myself stopping on the sidewalk to observe nature. Do I have somewhere to be? Does it matter? I take out my camera, experiment with shots until I get a good one, then pet a cat or smell a flower before continuing on my way.

I both naturally possess certain traits and have started acquiring the things I want. However, I can't feel anything anymore. I used to read a book to finish it, write to clear my head, watch a series because it was on my list. But now I can't start a new book, I don't enjoy writing, and I don't add new series to my list.

Honestly, you know how people get tired and go into seclusion? I'm not sure if that's happened to me, or if I've turned inward, or if I've gone mad from overthinking. What can I do? I'll just roll with it. But at least I should find some enjoyment in women or something. My life has become blind amidst the glaring darkness of my consciousness.

EDİT: Despite writing so much, the topic has shifted again to slightly different places. But the girl really wants to meet me a lot, and I also want to experience something with such a beautiful girl, but I can't find a reason. What can I do to convince myself to meet the girl?