Just noticed its my cake day on this throwaway. That means it was a year ago that I started reading here, and looking back I can see where I have changed and its for the better. I spent three decades living in a fog, hiding from the horrors of my past, and trying to control the side of me that was deemed 'inappropriate' by others.

Used to be I needed a woman to moderate me, always had to have someone to keep the nightmares, memories, and stress from getting to me. Now I prefer to be single, not have a girlfriend, and I know sex is easy to get. I can call any of four women and get laid within an hour, so its no longer a priority in my life. I can get a new one any time I wish, but I have more important shit to do with my time and money. Having a female leeching off me right now would put all my plans behind or on indefinite hold, and honestly fuck that shit.

Used to be I wanted to be wanted, needed to get laid at least three times a week, and was fighting depression and anxiety daily. Scarcity mentality was why I was like that. I've known some of RP since high school, and I've always known I can get laid, but I expected something from women that they simply can't give me. Its not love, its honesty and loyalty, the kind of thing you have with your best and oldest friends. With women its always conditional, always subject to her whims, not the kind of enduring connection we get from other men.

I see women for what they are, I understand them better now than ever before, and yes I still like them. Now that I know what to expect, and can anticipate her every move and action, I can appreciate women more and I don't get mad at them for not acting like men. That's why I like them, because I don't want to fuck men, and I don't want a woman who acts like one.

My days of having kids are over, mine are grown and doing their own thing, so this part of my life is doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. My priority is me, and what I want to do with the rest of my life, not who I am going to be with, or how I can get laid today. Women and sex are a fun distraction, not the reason for my existence. It wasn't that way before.

It pisses me off that I was taught all the wrong shit, told all the wrong things, and told to not simply ignore my nature, but to try and change it, and that I lived that way from age 13 to 44. I learned game by trial and error, it was before the internet, so it was all me and observing what worked and what didn't. I couldn't quantify it, nor could I explain how to do it, and I was doing some things wrong. So many missed opportunities in my life because my focus wasn't on the right thing, me. A lifetime chasing bullshit and paying for it because I wasn't being true to my nature, and listening to my inner voice that told me, don't trust this ho, don't do that, get off your ass and get busy with your goals.

Its been a year, and though my life is still on hold in many ways, its moving forward in others. I am a better man now than I ever have been before, and I care most about the only person that has ever cared about me.

tl;dr One year later and my life is better than ever. I'm not alone, I am living for me.