Here’s something I thought about when I walked up an icy hill, buffeted by winds all around: The single most important thing I have learned in my time on earth is the need to recognize and celebrate my own selfishness – that is, paying attention to my own wants and desires. Before I took the pill (though I am still in the process of digesting and absorbing it), I had been a person who did not have strong core beliefs. My beliefs were vague, for I was afraid that if they were concrete, then people would attack me for them. I felt guilty about being a man, sorry for the actions of other men who were apparently oh so evil, oh so misogynistic, oh so brutish. I used to hate myself. I used to think that I was not worth anything, that I would never find passion, hobbies, and love – though the hints of love I find are from a more realistic, less blind perspective and much more tempered.

Then, I got into college, and found the rp. I started lifting; I started dancing; I started going out to parties; I started asking out girl after girl to dance with me; I got rejected over and over. And through those experiences, I learned that the validation of a girl, while nice to have, is not necessary, that what women think of me is not a reflection of who I am, but a reflection of their own beliefs. I used to think that I was a misogynist – but it was simply me equating the idea of equality with all things equal. I’ve learned to see women as agents with their own wills and it is they who choose whether or not to do an action even though they might try to not take responsibility. I’ve learned to provide choices to the women I interact with: either they act in a way I find interesting, or I can find someone else. I’ve learned to hold frame, to not bow down to the cries and emotional pleas of women.

To illustrate, my girlfriend claims she is a virgin who has never had sex in her life and that she is scared to be vulnerable. However, while I’m definitely willing to accommodate and bring her through a series of comfortable baby steps – I absolutely will not remain a loyal dog who will stick around no matter what. I made it clear to her that I am patient, but if she is too scared to move on from the hang ups of her past, then I would move on myself and find someone else. I learned that “dread game” is not necessarily abusive, that the rp – that being a man, is not necessarily evil. It can be used both by men who have a strong sense of honor and integrity as well as sociopaths and dark triads who may take advantage of others.

I myself have always wanted to grow up to be a man with a strong sense of honor and a strong sense of community full of brothers who would be willing to listen to me and stick by me. I always wanted to be a man who was the captain of his own life. And it is only now, nearly 1.5 years from taking the rp that the actions that set me in motion have started to come together and I’ve seen its effect on my life. I can count on my left hand the number of close male friends I have, but these are the tried and true friends who have never betrayed me and have always listened to me. These are the friends I would fight alongside with and have their backs. These are the friends who I am glad to share my views about the world and be challenged, and by being challenged – learn more about the extent of my beliefs.

I’ve learned to not take feminists so seriously. They speak about judgment, about “safe spaces”, about the sins committed by men, but they’re hypocrites. They attack any man who has a different opinion from their safe, sterilized opinions – and their form of dialogue comes with the assumption that you, as a man, are wrong, and that you should conform to the feminist ideals. They instead are the misogysts, they treat women as if they were not rational agents, as if they had no choice – that men are oppressing and controlling the wills of women. But, I don’t, and neither do many other men. They treat women as if they were children – as if they could not be responsible and accountable for their actions. They treat acting like an adult to woman as abusiveness, and redefine what it means to be a man.

And all of that? I refuse to conform to. I refuse to live by the standards of feminists who seek to emasculate me and bend me, shape me into a mindless worker drone who does not live for himself. I am selfish – but I treat those who deserve respect in my life – with respect, and kindness. For those who dare to intrude in my circle of friends and attack them, either verbally or physically, I am prepared to retaliate. I am prepared to live life by my own standards – to see and gather evidence of the true reality, and shed off the trappings of social conditioning.

Tl; Dr - found my own tribe, stopped looking to fulfill the feminist definition of masculinity, and embraced my own self.