Subject: I've been lurking on my not throwaway account for about a year, and really having a difficult time internalizing all of this. It just feels like TRP just requires a level of hyper-vigilance I just do not have.

Body: in essence, I struggle with codependency. I intellectually know I should stand up for myself more in relationships, and be the leader. I know that the only thing separating me from any vagina is the correct combination of words. My problem is I can't make it habit.

I grew up an exceptionally lonely kid,exceptionally blue pill. I just didn't have any examples to follow. I was sad, alone, and fat. By the time I was a senior in college I had eaten myself to nearly 400 pounds (I don't know exactly, because My scale couldn't weigh me.). I didn't lose the weight until a girl I was pining over, buying incessant dinners for, and as sad, fucked up, and thirsty it sounds told I "like-liked." Fortunately, I have made a change for the better there (220 and counting).

Part of this anxiety is definitely due to the fact that I'm just getting out of a relationship with a girl with uncontrolled BPD, and my brain is just absolutely fried, but I've never felt like less of a man. I'm truly ashamed. I have taken some steps towards helping myself. I ordered "no more mr. Nice guy," I made an appointment with a therapist specifically to start combating these awful tendencies, and I do work out.