About a year ago I started an affair with this girl. We're both married, no intention to divorce, but not getting what we want sexually out of the marriage. We just clicked one evening while we were out with mutual friends. Slept with her once, but then our schedules got in the way and we weren't able to see each other much any more. A few months into it, she broke it off because she "felt guilty." Well, actually she friendzoned me pretty hard.

I found TRP shortly after that (I've been lurking and reading for months) and decided I wasn't going to be her orbiter. I had oneitis pretty bad, and I worked hard to break that. I'm still friendly when I see her, but I don't fawn over her and give her the validation she wants. Almost every time we see each other, she comments about how long it's been, gives me lots of IOIs, etc. She still wants me, and I'd love to fuck her again. She was easily the best fuck of my life—HB9+, loves it rough, super submissive, etc.

Anyway, we were out with the same group of friends recently (annual early December event), and she sits next to me, wraps her leg around mine under the table so nobody can see, touching me at every opportunity, talking about how "I can't believe it's been a year," then at one point we pass each other in the hallway with nobody else around and come this close to kissing, she's making "fuck me" eyes, then I pull away and wink. Not long afterwards, I've set up a date—our first in months.

So I'm thinking, obviously we're back on. I know we're not going to fuck on this date because she doesn't have much time, but we're back on at any rate.

So the date was last night. We met at a restaurant, had a great time. Went to a bar afterwards for a drink. Very flirty, flipping her hair, I'm making great eye contact. She's really into me. Dilated eyes, breathing through her mouth, her face is flushed. Then all of a sudden she says, "There's something I want to do, and I know you want to too. But we shouldn't. I mean, we really shouldn't."

She's talking about kissing of course. And I bombed it. I said "well, that's really a shame." I know I should have said "I don't care" and just went for it. We flirted for a few more minutes and then left, and she mentioned it again while we were walking to the station. We got to the station and I'm thinking there's no way I'm going to end the date without kissing her. I move in and she says "no, there's too many people around." I tease her a little bit, saying "Oh, so that's the reason you don't want to kiss me" (there was hardly anyone in the bar). "No, but..." Then I move in to kiss her, she comes to meet me, she moans a little when we kiss.

We broke it quickly because she was nervous about the crowd, and went our separate ways. She had a weird smile on her face, like she was glad I kissed her but is conflicted about it. So right now I'm not sure whether I blew it—I think I should have kissed her much earlier in the date, at the bar.

Here's the point: In my beta days I would have apologized for kissing her, but I know she wanted it. I would have texted her immediately after the date to "talk about things." I know better now, but I'm in unfamiliar territory. It's currently the next morning (Asia) and I haven't texted her or contacted her. Not sure when I should or what I should say. (Edit: She just texted me "good morning!" while I was typing this up, and I'm not sure how to respond). We'll have almost zero chance to see each other over the next month except for a few minutes this afternoon around other people. I'm not going to be her orbiter, but if I can get her back for the occasional fuck that would be awesome.

Note: I should mention there's essentially zero chance we'll get caught. We live in a huge city that's essentially purpose-built for affairs—it's basically the norm here, almost expected. I've got no moral hangups about affairs, but it's a new thing for her so I get why she's having a difficult time with it.