My life has been a rollercoaster for about 1-2 years. I'm honestly giving up. I don't think I can get better. Just 3 weeks ago I was crushing shit, I was feeling good about myself, was meditating, lifting, dieting, getting shit done then BOM, one night I was lonely again, and had no girls to hit up so I told myself no matter how hard I try I'm gonna be a loser forever so I destroyed my diet, haven't left my room for anything, haven't showered or lifted obviously.

I just don't think I have what it takes. It's been more than 2 years since I've even felt the touch of a girl. Even at my peak when I was very muscular(for that guys that say go lift) I still wasn't scoring. And now that I'm not close to my peak I feel like if I didn't then, no way I can now.

No desire to do anything at all. I usually get back up but now I've done this cycle of ups and downs so many times that I just feel like giving up.

Worst part is I KNOW what I need to do. I've done it, I know how to get back up but why should I? Every single time I do.. which has been constantly for 2-3 years have always landed the same result.. I can't be like one of those people who just pick something and "transform".. I keep reverting.

Top this with financial, personal, family, and the fact that I'm basically nonexistent to girls and I just feel no way out.

How can I stay the course.. how can I find myself alone at night questioning why some fat ugly fuck is banging that hot girl that im basically jerking it too? Worst part is I'm not even bad looking at all.. If anything I've been called handsome by a lot of people... but fuck I just don't know what to do.

I'm typing this in disbelief.. in anger.. just fucking realizing that 3 weeks ago I promised myself never again and here the fuck I am. I'm so sick of this shit. I'm so ducking sick of it I'm only getting angrier typing this.

I keep breaking promises to myself and others. I'm tired of feeling anxious for someone else, and I'm fucking sick of being myself and not caring what others have to say. I want to be fucking great but holy shit I feel like it's so hard for me.. FUCK