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AvacodoCartwheeler Archive

View 9 posts and 295 comments by AvacodoCartwheeler on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

Phew, there's a lot here... OK, let's talk about this push/pull first. This is pretty classic example of how women want what's not immediately available. It seems backwards, but if you want to keep her attraction, you can't be "overly" available. How does that translate into action? Don't run to her when she calls needing something - have other plans. Make some things transactional - "sure, I'll come fix xyz, but in exchange, cook us a family dinner to eat together." The real best thing to do he…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 03:07 PM
1

I believe we did believe something they didn't. Our version: "Till death do us part." Her version: "Till death do us part, or i get bored, or something better comes along."
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/25 02:01 PM
5

Let this one go, you owe her $20k.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 03:24 PM
12

Well, first, your attitude is the reason divorced kids don't do well. Before you get offended, hear me out: It's OK to say "no." If you keep doing things she wants you to do and resenting her for it that WILL affect your kids in ways that are harder to simply state. If you don't want to do it, just say no. That said, Preschool graduation is a big deal for your kid man. They probably practiced the graduation in class for days and have been talking about it for weeks. It actually made me a bit sad…
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 06:37 PM
3

The truth is that when you get that paper in your hand showing you are no longer married a rush of mixed emotions will flood over you and there's no preparing yourself for that.
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/25 05:59 PM
1

I tried for a while... Honestly, I just didn't value her the same. She was literally worth a lot less to me after everything and she couldn't have made up for it. There wasn't anything "wrong" but there also wasn't anything "right" so I cut things off. She was upset but got over it. We have two small kids with 50/50 and I still occasionally do things with her 14 year old son who I raised since he was 4. He's a good kid and I don't mind an ongoing father-figure role. In a lot of ways it works bec…
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 03:28 PM
1

There is another weird side effect of doing this... she will feel you become 'less available' probably suspect you are seeing other girls, then probably suddenly give you attention again. I don't know why it works that way, but it just does. Good Luck.
/r/Divorce_Men27/05/25 02:48 PM
2

Would I start banging other girls? Yes. Would I let her find out about it at all? Hell no, that will cause WW3, and you'll find out she's been banging some other dude for a while now. Create routines that get you out of the house - gym, hike, literally anything to create regular and normalized reasons to get out of the house where you don't have to bring anything home (that's why shopping is a bad one). Then start meeting girls instead. Don't lie to the girls you are meeting about your situation…
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/25 06:23 PM
6

Honestly, yeah, I'd pursue charges in a heated divorce. Is that enough to take the kids from her? No.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/25 03:29 PM
3

What you need to take away from this is that she CHOSE to treat you badly - the proof is in how she's treating you now.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/25 06:58 PM
4

That's funny - I'm in the same boat of knowing significantly more women cheaters than men. Something to think of is if one of your guy friends says he's cheating on his girl the typical male response is : wtf is wrong with you? The women response is to "be supportive."
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 07:47 PM
2

Yes, because their wife got old and just gave up on herself. She stopped pursuing him, she's always shopping, she never does anything he wants, and the sex is just boring. HE'S THE VICTIM!! (healthy dose of /s here in case it wasn't obvious) No, but going through a divorce wakes you up to the realities of how girls work - any man who gets married again is an idiot.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 07:41 PM
3

It's the female mid-life crisis.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 07:34 PM
4

They're "dangerous" Oh, and more "alpha." I was told that and she didn't mean it in one of those 'im trying to hurt you right now' ways, but it was the funniest thing in the moment. The dude with a dishonorable discharge, owes $100k back child support, is married, and has a drug problem - that dude is more alpha. I'm laughing now thinking about it. Needless to say, ~9 months later they were broken up, and she was trying to come back.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 07:32 PM
2

That's what I think too lol.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 07:29 PM
3

Yeah, but supposedly it's us men who are cheating pigs. lol.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 07:28 PM
3

Yeah. When mine started cheating I was like dude... I had several opportunities and yet was able to keep it in my pants. But she was hyper focused on anything with a vagina and pretty face I worked with. It makes SO MUCH more sense now - she's a cheater, and cheaters think everyone else cheats.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 07:27 PM
1

Nah, it's just part of how their brain is wired. We focus on it in this form while ignoring the 'crazy' that's part of how our male brain works. Both sexes are crazy, just in a different way, and both think their way is the only right way.
/r/Divorce_Men30/04/25 06:19 PM
4

I didn't read everything you wrote, but I read most of it. The short version... I'm happier single than married by a large margin. I wasn't happy, but also wasn't looking to leave, but then she started cheating and I filed for divorce. We have two kids, and she came with one that I'd raised since he was 5 (he was a teenager at the time of the divorce). She had a lot of the "typical" issues us men put up with in a marriage, along with anger control issues and she had been refusing to get help aft…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 03:40 PM
4

Ha. Did we marry the same woman?
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/25 02:51 PM
1

Basically same story here: Mom died, wife cheated, "never REALLY loved me." Divorced. I should hate her right? All I can do is roll my eyes.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/25 03:39 PM
1

That's a fair point and re-reading the original post I really missed the forest - the "standard" approach may not work as well here. After more thought, you are in a tough situation because if you "win" here and she decides to stay with you it'll be because you out-competed another man, but if your 'performance' slips under what the other man provided, will she just run back to him? Quite literally, this is the "pick me" game and it usually ends with the spouse going back to the other person. I'…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 06:47 PM
0

Yikes. The ENM thing is basically the same as 'this girl is my hookup and this girl is also my hookup but also my best friend.' I'm fine with it in a FWB situation where we don't have an exclusivity agreement, but just personally couldn't see that working when married. Not even to talk about how many more options girls have than guys - do you really want your wife getting railed by other men constantly.... Anyway, from the outside I don't see how you fix this, BUT, from my experience the only wa…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/25 03:08 PM
3

I'm always broke as far as my ex knows. Always.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 09:25 PM
3

While she's there in the same house as you it's not possible to get past that. After she leaves how long it takes is different for everyone. Have YOU considered getting on the apps and going on a few dates? Getting laid will massively boost your self-confidence and chances are your stbxw will suddenly pay more attention because another girl wanted you.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 09:20 PM
5

What was the point of this post? So, basically, your advocating women should maintain a circle of friends whom are married and not cheating, but also advocating that men can't control her friend group... So this is a post that's meant to supply women with some knowledge about their odds of "happiness" in different situations that's posted in a MEN'S divorce forum with very, few women lurkers. And there's not a single link to where these "facts" come from. And you are suggesting men thinking of g…
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 05:54 PM
1

Yeah, mine started cheating three months after she started working after graduating. I'm just glad she waited till she started working... lots cheaper that way.
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/25 04:19 PM
1

Sooooooooo, I decided that I probably didn't know what I liked and basically tried everything. I went to play pool, I booked a guitar lesson (and a violin one after), trivia nights, poker nights at my "local" bar, I went to live music events, art events, "nature walks" at the local park... I could go on for a while. Basically, I found a page with events for my city (I do live in a large city) then looked for ones closer to my area (in my town). I volunteered at my kid's school, I got back into m…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 08:33 PM
1

After 10 years of marriage being single is the best. I don't understand the guys who hate it, but then again, my ex (who's single after splitting with the AP) is miserable being single, so...
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 07:53 PM
1

She wont without therapy. I don't believe couples therapy fixes many marriages, but I DO believe it is a great tool for teaching the both of you how to communicate. You'll find the issue isn't all her in ways you don't see right now, the same as she'll see the issue isn't all you in ways she doesn't right now. For communication/conflict resolution therapy is a win.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 07:51 PM
2

I will echo this from my own experience. Women in relationships are brutal in the end and the life you built together will mean less than zero to her - in fact, she might even resent you for the time she spent with you. That's just how it works.
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 07:48 PM
5

My opinion is that you either file or get a post-nump to go with a written down plan of action to reconcile. That plan should include minimum number of date nights a month and therapy expectations, at a minimum. She'll try pretty hard to wiggle out of that, or she'll just want to go through with the divorce. Hold your ground. You are serious about divorce, if she's serious about not getting divorced make her show it and put in the work. If you divorce I'd strongly recommend mediation over indivi…
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/25 07:43 PM
3

Well, this ended up being really long and more for myself lol. To simply answer your question the plan was always for her to move out and during that time I don't think she gave any consideration to what was best for our kids. ---- Both times were before the decree was final. I found out she was cheating (I "knew" but she came clean before I knew it for sure, if that makes sense) and she would spend most of 'her week' with him and after a few months they signed a lease on a nice rent house. The …
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/25 07:57 PM
3

I did that for a while, twice (with the same person), and it's terrible. The first time she was actively banging another man (not in "our" house that I know of at that point) and that was "OK" because I was banging other women. We were rotating child duties every other week as was already agreed to in our not-yet official decree. The second time (it's a short story but the why doesn't really matter) was terrible because she suddenly wanted me back and was all sad about me going on dates.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/25 03:18 PM
3

Nah, that's not true, most of us ended up being cheated on where the AP was basically a hobo, so there's certainly women out there. I'm also in the same boat and thought the same thing (even with a house that needs all the work), but it's just not been a problem.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/25 03:13 PM
2

In a lot of ways I could have written this post... I've had to have some words with her (thankfully, now ex) AP over situations I couldn't believe my ex allowed to happen to the point that at one time I was going to go back for full custody. Mostly I'm able to just accept that I had (and will have to again) to accept someone else is part of my kiddo's lives, but I swear if I ever get the chance to save that APs life I won't.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/25 03:10 PM
1

for Q1, it's basically impossible to keep that a "secret" so you might as well just say she cheated, and I decided to get divorced. I don't engage in 'trash talk' about her or allow it from others, especially if my kids are there. For 2, what's worked for me is that I don't bring it up and I don't ask them. If I'm asked I say "she cheated, I wanted to fix things but ultimately the trust was gone and the relationship was fractured beyond repair; however, we co-parent very well, and I'm thankful f…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 03:57 PM
3

This is an underrated comment. You aren't just fighting her, you are also fighting the new guy she's fucking who is of course going to agree with everything she says and push her for more - it's in his best interest for her to be happy with him and that she thinks he "gets her." After a while I could tell what was mine's own idea vs the AP's ideas. That's a lot of fun.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 03:36 PM
2

Yeah, we all know that, but come on, would you have known that without having lived it? You can't teach experience, it can only be earned.
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 03:31 PM
2

Yeah, I trade services with mine. Usually it's I fix something in exchange for cooking/cleaning, so that ya'lls minds stay out of the gutter (and yes, I can and do both of those for myself, but what else does she have to offer?).
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 03:29 PM
3

It just sounds like the unexpected idea of loosing you jarred her into a momentary respect for you... unless there's work done somewhere though she'll just revert. If you are going to stay then go back to that conversation and set expectations. At a flat minimum I'd suggest: * We must go on x number of dates a month * Couples therapy to work on communication specifically * SHE needs to start going to therapy I've been there and done that along with most of the commenters here, unfortunately. "I'…
/r/Divorce_Men28/03/25 02:23 PM
1

We know they happen - how many of us have had exs try to come back when they realize how much they messed things up? On the other side, there comes a point when you simply have to forgive yourself, move on, and be better without them. This is true if you were the one who "wronged" the other or not... nobody can walk around regretting their decisions their who life.
/r/Divorce_Men27/03/25 06:52 PM
2

This mirrors my own views based on my life's experience.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/25 03:18 PM
2

Honestly... no, I don't take much enjoyment at seeing her make stupid decisions.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 05:07 PM
4

This might be a better way to express what I mean. It's that the events dramatically changed what I want in a relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 04:27 PM
6

It's the stuff you realize "all girls" do in relationships that's the real no-go for me. I can't see putting up with that spoiled bullshit ever again.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 03:57 PM
1

Texas standard isn't actually 50/50, but it's fairly close - you'll pay something if you go in front of a judge. You can actually figure out more or less exactly what you'd pay online using a TX calc. I'd suggest that you work something out outside of the courtroom where you cover all medical expenses or some such and try to get a real 50/50 - not because of any impact on CS payments but because of the time with your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/25 02:38 PM
3

It's really weird because Texas's standard agreement is basically 50/50 too...
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/25 03:02 PM
1

It matters because I wanted to keep the house. I paid her equity out on it and didn't have to do anything to get her off of the loan (she did sign a quit claim as well). My understanding is that if she had been on the loan I might of had to refinance the house to get it into my name, which would have doubled the interest from then to now.
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/25 07:55 PM
2

Funny how that works!
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/25 03:17 PM
7

It's been about 1.5 years now. My credit is fucked for a long while because of things during affair and subsequent divorce, but I kept the house and it's locked at 3.125% (by pure dumb luck she wasn't on the loan - or she intentionally wasn't on the loan and planned to leave when we bought the house... that never occurred to me till just now). I won't be buying any new cars for several more years. What got me going in the right direction is that I tossed every single decoration she left, then I …
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/25 05:19 PM
3

Hahaha, fair. I can see that. Let me unpack that just a bit then: She knows you will take it. She knows you won't leave and you'll give in because you have shown her she can boss you around and even if you've set a boundary, you'll move the line further back if she gets too close to it because you value her a lot more than she values you. So my advice is to stop being "nice," and be more of a leader - tell her no, show her she doesn't get princess treatment or sit on a pedestal with you. That do…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 04:54 PM
2

You could try being more of a leader...?
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/25 04:29 PM
6

It never really occurred to me to be upset about it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 04:10 PM
3

I think the question you need to be asking yourself is... Is she manipulating you with the threat of divorce? One thing that's clear from what you've written is that she thinks she is the prize (maybe she is?) and you need to step up to her standards. Her asking you why you aren't trying "everything" is her trying to both negotiate with you and validate her self-worth. A question I'd ask myself is how much merit is there to what she's demanding (the thing/s that made her say she wanted to divorc…
/r/Divorce_Men27/02/25 04:08 PM
19

Lol, she's about to get woken up rudely to the real world after this divorce. This is what will happen: YOU will realize how much better off you are all the way around (despite bleeding money) in pretty short order (1 year or less). SHE will feel free and life will be great, until about 1 year in and she'll have had her fill of new dick, realize that working sucks and things cost $$ and she threw away something that made her life pretty cake. You will win in the long run. Don't get married again…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/25 05:24 PM
1

Yeah, our mediated agreement for custody is perfectly 50/50 and does not give either parent custodial rights.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 09:13 PM
3

Taxes yes, but a withdrawal with a QDRO from a divorce will not have a penalty, just taxes! That I can say from experience lol.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 08:36 PM
0

I assumed it was coming from a 401K or some other tax advantaged account, but now that I re-read his post, you are probably right, if it's coming from a normal account it doesn't matter and it's not taxable.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 08:15 PM
1

QDRO payout from a 401K? You could move it into another 401K and not pay any taxes, then take a loan out for up to half of it, FWIW.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 07:58 PM
0

Because it's still income.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 07:56 PM
5

Don't. Just don't do it. Don't let her actions dictate yours. You communicated you weren't going to celebrate Vday to her and she decided to get you something anyway, that's on her. Draw the line now. Yes, she'll be upset. Dude I hate to tell you this, but she'll be upset with you for not doing what she wants forever. Don't let it bother you for a second. Right now you can't do that, but later you will be able to.
/r/Divorce_Men14/02/25 03:35 PM
5

This is much more true than you probably realize based on the event I gave. Everything she ever said about why I was so great was what I did for her and not about who I am as a person. I have come to realize she never really understood me or perhaps she did at the start of our marriage, but stopped learning about me as I grew and changed.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 03:37 PM
6

I'm sorry this happened to you. It's going to take a long time to feel "better" and you'll always have a scar from this. I knew when I read the 6 month part and her going out of state she would be cheating and while it sucks, it's actually better in the long run that you found out now rather than have her lie to you, gaslight you, and have you question your reality for 6 months or more. Find someone to talk to, either friends or/and a therapist. It will help. When you get past this initial shock…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/25 03:16 PM
3

We have two. I am not going to pretend to know if she really meant it in a non-manipulative way, she did genuinely enjoy the little notes, so it's reasonable to believe what she said was an authentic reflection of what she lost. She also has bi-polar tendencies, so I can't completely rule out that it was just part of a manic phase, but my gut says she meant it and regrets the things she did. The rest of the conversation was - in more words than this - that she simply wanted to say she was sorry …
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 10:28 PM
1

3/5 workdays a week, the other 2 we typically got lunch out. But yes, bespoke, individual notes / pictures / silly poems / sayings. just whatever, but always different.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 07:44 PM
4

Accept that your view doesn't have to match her view. Accept that her view is wrong, then also accept that YOUR view is wrong. Accept that what she is saying on that video may not even match her inner views on the relationship - she is looking for sympathy from others and is thusly incentivized to shape events to that end. Move on and block her on everything.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 04:11 PM
21

One day she said she missed me and I asked her why.... She misses that I packed her lunch for her and left her little notes, literally every day. Those notes where the highlight of her workday and every single day she'd be excited to open her lunch and see what my note said. She said that she cannot figure out how she lost her way with a man who did that. [She had an affair with a man she worked with] What I guess she forgot is that during that affair (but before I knew) she told me to stop writ…
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 04:03 PM
3

That should be like a pre-date screening question: "Please tell me about the last few things you were wrong about and how you admitted your mistake to others." Like a job interview haha.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 03:36 PM
3

Dude... Mine always tells me how great of a Dad I am and how much she respects that about me, but she cheated with a dude who was on his 3rd marriage, had a reputation at their work for being flirty with all the girls, who has 3 kids and owe/s/d close to $100k in back CS for kids he literally never met.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 03:32 PM
2

Yes, I am also always "broke," no matter what. It's not far off from the truth - she got so much of my 401K in our settlement that I'm maxing that and a roth every year plus some other investments, so even though I make good money most of it goes into retirement.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/25 02:37 PM
7

Dude, she's not coming back and you KNOW it. We are not going to tell you to abandon your kids, you can make that decision on your own.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 05:06 PM
9

I used mine's limerence with the AP combined with her guilt for breaking the family to get a sweet deal myself. I don't feel "bad" about it, but I know she very much struggles since she broke it off with AP and I cover certain 'shared' expenses for the kids outright. It's in my favor to not make her bring me to court for CS out of desperation.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/25 03:44 PM
2

Dude, I mean, I think I understand why you don't, but like... come on, meet this dude at your house and physically remove him without hitting him in the face too much. Let your STBX flip out, fuck her. What's the drug dealer going to do, call the cops? No likely.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 04:53 PM
2

Girls tend to find men like their Dads... are you going to take that, Dad?
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 04:40 PM
3

Trust me when I say that just because she's trying to work it out with you doesn't also mean she'd leave you in an instant if anything else came along at all.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 04:19 PM
6

They don't understand. My boss (a woman...) when we talked about it as part of a 'what's going on with you lately? You don't seem to be here in the moment and you've been taking a lot of time off' said to me that "Well, I've been through some bad breakups..." It made something snap and I unloaded on her in the moment (in a respectful way) and by the end of it she backed all the way down and asked how she could help. My point is that the issue is two-fold. On the one hand, yes, we "as men" are ex…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/25 03:28 PM
2

Yes. It gets better, but you have to choose to help yourself. Get yourself out of the situation and in just a few days you'll start to recover. In a few months you'll feel like yourself again. In a year you'll wonder how you ever stayed as long as you did.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 03:03 PM
29

It's rare for men to get alimony, and when we do the women go ape shit about being forced to pay A MAN their fair share. So expect her to be batshit crazy about it and sleep soundly on a pillow stuffed with her money, because fuck her.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 03:00 PM
5

This is what I did and we also NEVER fought about money! Her banging another man? Yes, but not money!
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 02:57 PM
6

Oh yeah. My ex-cheater and I had one point when I was lulled into giving it a shot. It was good for a few weeks, then suddenly her energy for "us" vanished and she started talking about how I needed to give her the princess treatment again because even though she cheated, she "knew her worth." I couldn't help myself and laughed then told her we were done. If she's not cheating on you (and you are sure of it) I'd really recommend trying therapy first. If there's a communication issue therapy will…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 02:55 PM
18

WTF. Princess treatment and my money is my money and your money is my money. Ugh. Sorry you are going through this.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/25 01:54 PM
3

...I would text happy birthday, unless you two aren't on good terms, then I would go about my day like normal. In my own case, I take the kids to get Mom a birthday card and help them write in it because she does it with on mine. I don't really care though, It's just easy and cheap way to keep the water free of blood as far as I'm concerned.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 10:06 PM
4

The "I'm always correct mindset" damn, that sums it up nicely.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 04:07 PM
1

She pushed all of this in an emotional overload state and then got cold feet realizing she was about to torpedo her whole Fking life over something that happened 12 years ago, then wanted to see if you'd "still fight for her" by dangling the idea that if only you'd just said you didn't want this and fought for me I'd have dropped this... am I reading this post right? I hope you let the divorce go through. Only you can really judge if this is a psychotic meltdown that she's just waking up from or…
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/25 04:04 PM
3

That depends. Did she LIE about it? Even still... Sure, finding out a partner had an affair in the past would absolutely give me some pause. I'd have to evaluate some things more carefully going forward, but am I so distraught I'm getting a divorce? hell no. This is her not happy now and wanting out, but also not wanting to be the victim. Textbook playbook.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/25 03:56 AM
1

I would fight this loudly. Resign the lease and do not leave any ambiguity. I have a very similar clause but also had the lawyer sneak in language that prevents the situation you are in. Basically as long as either parent lives in xxxxxx county kids must go to xxxxxxxx school, as zoned for [my address], OR if neither parent resides in said area school district will be decided by whomever has the longest current stay at an address in the county. She rents and doesn't even live in this county.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 05:45 PM
2

No. those are not good reasons to abandon your child.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 04:30 PM
6

From my own divorce if it's less than 10 years she has basically zero chance in Texas. I'm not a lawyer and you should talk to your own, but it would be in your interest to keep any documentation that shows she is just not trying to support herself. Text messages, recorded conversations, whatever you can basically. Apple watches can be setup to record audio with a single button press. Pretty easy to record when needed that way discreetly.
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/25 04:22 AM
4

All good now. That happened something like 2 months after D-day, which was over 3 years ago now. Couldn't be more happy with my life right now - it makes me laugh that I ever considered reconciling with her.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 04:58 PM
5

Yeah, I never blamed my ex for stopping me from doing things, but there is a very real constraint just due to practical time when you are in a relationship. IMHO, the type that blames their spouse is also the type that doesn't do anything once they are gone. I liked being a Husband, but I love who I am now.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 04:47 PM
5

She was cheating. I told her on a Friday that she should think about this marriage over the weekend, because on Monday I was filing unless she came back and pledged to do everything she could to fix it. I don't think she believed me. Monday morning I hired an attorney, Monday afternoon I sent her initial terms to agree too before I had them written up with the lawyer CCd.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/25 04:42 PM
1

I think therapists suck at listening to understand. An example was XW bitching about money and how broke we were that month (XW had spent all our money on Christmas and not paid the house note...). Therapist went on and on questioning if I was withholding money from her, and if finances were something we fought about, me being controlling with money, etc. Finally XW was like "You aren't listening to me. He is not controlling with money. We were broke because I forgot to pay the house note." The …
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/25 05:02 PM
13

Boss level move - zero pedestal.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/25 08:04 PM
3

I like that quote a lot. I can see how it happens though, little things that add up, little things that get overlooked and slowly become expected instead of appreciated. They are quick to vent to an AP about those things, which makes it almost easy-mode for her/him to fit the "perfect" bill, then comes alignment of the past to match the current emotions. Nobody, and I mean nobody, wants to see themselves as a villain, so she rewrites parts of her past to justify her leaving. In the same way, I t…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 10:14 PM
4

Respectfully, it's ok to acknowledge that she's a good Mom and good person. "loving her from a distance" sounds somewhat like someone who later murders their EX who left them.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 10:03 PM
8

Yeah. SO many times, and she can't believe you didn't know, oh and also, the sex isn't even good with you. "I feel like we are just friends" and "you take me for granted" because the new guy goes 100% of his way to impress her and romance her and she just acts like that would continue forever lol. It's crazy.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 07:20 PM
29

Yeah... I have a similar story. In a few weeks/months you'll find out she just happened to meet someone "new" and "fun" who "gets her." After meeting that person she re-wrote her whole life to be that she was never happy with you so she's not the bad guy for leaving you. The telling part is her suddenly working out. She's not working out to re-enter the dating pool, she's working out to impress the new man she met. Hard truth, but it's the truth. Edit to add: if you for some reason want her back…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/25 03:02 PM
1

I'm not even convinced you can learn anything from their issues with your behavior. It's just justification and how they feel "right now." If you have ever been in the situation and she later wanted to come back suddenly all of those cheating-inducing behaviors don't matter anymore. Go figure.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/25 09:21 PM
1

It's always your fault they cheat.... otherwise they would have to sort out the issues in themselves that caused them to cheat. Roll your eyes and move on.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/25 09:19 PM
1

This x1000, whoever "reports" first is assumed to be the victim.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 09:13 PM
2

Yes. My advice is to just say no. I don't think anyone actually moves past the kind of abuse you went through. Mine also wanted to come back the MOMENT she realized I was dating around. She will show nearly unlimited energy to be with you... then if you give in all of that "momentum" will evaporate the more comfortable in the relationship she becomes. It sucks, but you really shouldn't give in.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 05:11 PM
2

I rolled my eyes when OP said porn addiction... your post is porn addiction.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/25 03:13 PM
2

I wouldn't change a single thing. For all the BS I went through with her having an affair, she open stated she didn't want direct CS, even though she was entitled to it. We are every other week and have an actual 50/50 agreement. I pay for all medical and school related expenses, including aftercare, which is considerably cheaper than I would owe her in CS every month. She didn't want it because she said she's the one who cheated and broke the marriage. I assumed this was just virtue signaling, …
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/24 03:10 PM
2

My biggest advice is to start washing her out of your normal conversation. Don't say "we.... xyz" say "I... xyz." It will be easy to talk about your divorce, and she'll listen and even offer advice, but you friend-zoned yourself instantly. Likewise, don't ask questions about their divorces, a few sentences is fine if it fits into the flow, otherwise just steer clear. Focus on deciding if you actually even like her. That sounds like laughable advice, but you are probably going to seek approval in…
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 09:10 PM
6

I had to file. I don't think she ever would have, and if she did, she'd have demanded crazy stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men10/12/24 03:53 PM
1

I'm in Texas and I have 50/50... we do every other week and have the holidays split up so that it's truly 50/50. It's also written up as we have no primary and must agree jointly, with stalemates settled by school or doctor. We both agreed to this and had a judge sign it. Just as an FYI for what's possible.
/r/Divorce_Men03/12/24 08:38 PM
2

Honestly, all you really have to do is NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR EX WIFE. Like seriously, say you are divorced if asked and have a prepped and thought out max of 3 sentences that is vague and generic about why you split. If she pushes say you don't want to reminisce over failed relationships, you want to focus on a brighter future. It's a bit hard to have conversations at first because you've been married and did everything with your wife, but with some practice you'll stop saying "we" and start sayin…
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/24 03:37 PM
2

She was cheating when you found those panties, and I don't mean this to sound like I'm blaming you, because I'm NOT; however, reading this kinda does sound like you didn't put much energy into the relationship. I wouldn't beat yourself up over the panties, unless you have enough concerns to check her phone then and there the only thing to do is make a note of when/if she wears them... But in my experience with every girl ever, if there wasn't someone else she would have been happy to show them o…
/r/Divorce_Men14/11/24 05:12 PM
4

Yes. It's like a star burning bright right before going supernova. Bask in the twilight of destruction while the light shines; as soon it will envelop your world and reign down fire from heaven so hot it will leave but charred ashes and inhospitable, desecrated lands in it's wake, followed by eternal nights of freezing cold.
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/24 08:52 PM
1

But like... why... Why put yourself through all that?
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 02:52 PM
20

"space" = It's hard for me to keep the fact that I'm banging (or about to bang) someone new a secret because you are close to me like we've been our whole relationship, so I need you to give me "space" so I can find time to have my spaces filled with his space filling object. Then, if it doesn't work out, I'll come back to you! And if it does, I'll have you arrested for DV, take our kids, get a restraining order, move my new space filling object holder into your house, have him help raise your k…
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 02:41 PM
11

Yeah, welcome to the world of divorce. I feel that any man who gets married again needs to be evaluated. I truly loved my wife and being married, but the crushing end made it just not worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/11/24 03:23 PM
3

Get a therapist, you will need one. Given that you are already getting a lawyer, you've got that covered. Personally, something you will not be ready for is the mask coming off. She is going to show you exactly who she really is in one of two ways: A) She'll turn into a monster you can't even imagine was the person you were married to or... B) She'll beg and plead, then turn into a monster the likes of which you've never seen (this one is more likely if the AP is out of the picture) I know you d…
/r/Divorce_Men05/11/24 04:18 PM
2

I just want to say that Benadryl is NOT a sleep aid and it shouldn't be used like that. There are several OTC options for sleep - please just try Melatonin then if that isn't enough try one of the other options that are intended to help you sleep. In short, Benadryl will make your brain think it's asleep when it's awake. Granted, the dose has to be a good bit over rec dose, but your body will get resistant to Benadryl over time, starting the cycle of taking more and more. It's a deliriant when o…
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/24 04:20 PM
2

Yes, I had issues with this. Never a single issue before in my life. Failing to get it up three times (twice with the same girl... she must have really liked me haha) was pretty embarrassing. It didn't last long though, I spent a little time working out and actually bothering to getting to know the next few girls and BAM - laying pipe like an apprentice plumber, as it was so aptly stated below.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/24 02:12 PM
5

I disagree with this in a lot of ways. Is he ready for a relationship? F*k no, but to get laid and get a huge boost to his self esteem? Yup, that does, in fact, sound like a great idea.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 01:22 PM
4

I agree as well, go on dates! Having someone new interested in you will absolutely bump your self esteem back up.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 01:19 PM
1

Man, I understand all the things you talked about to my core. Reading what you wrote I think you know you don't really want to be married to her anymore but are there because of your kids and the (from your perspective) high effort of a divorce. Basically if you wanted to fix things and/or were capable of really fixing things you would have already because you'd be more willing to put energy into the relationship. Your energy right now seems to come from avoidance of divorce, moreso than a want …
/r/Divorce_Men17/10/24 03:36 PM
17

Dude, I didn't make it through all of it, I stopped somewhere around when you started drinking weekly. You already know there's literally zero way you want to continue in this. GTFO of there now.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 04:52 PM
6

Experience, mostly.
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 04:44 PM
5

My advice is to leave, and I'm sure everyone else will have the same. The next time she cheats (if she ever even stopped) it'll be because you "don't love her the same way" anymore, but it'll also be the last time "I swear."
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 03:01 PM
1

Also, to add, a decent therapist is sometimes hard to find. Before I knew my XW was cheating I got us counseling and in the second session she said something about not having money to do something. The therapist jumped on this and basically attacked me (by asking a lot of questions about if I was stingy or something) to the point that my then-wife who was attacking me came to my defense and STILL the therapist didn't get the picture. We actually didn't go back, it was clear to me there was no po…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 02:05 PM
2

That depends.... The literal issue with therapy is that people wait far too long to go. If I ever get into another long term relationship I'm going to insist we go once a year lol. You'll know it's not going to work if you or her "dumps" things on the other and doesn't seem interested in exploring those thing. Basically, if it ends up being a "bitch session" there's no point in going. What couples therapy is very good at is teaching you to communicate, so if the core issue is communication, then…
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 02:02 PM
2

Outside of the cars/house/motorcycles/boat I basically told her I didn't care what she took from the house - that I'd replace it with stuff I actually liked (lol). She also asked for a few tools from my shop, which I gave her (like really basic stuff). It wasn't really a big deal. The only thing I remember us having conflict over was an expensive mattress that she didn't even have a bedframe for. I put my foot down on that one and kept it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 01:33 PM
1

I'm kinda not seeing the problem here? Without the prenup she's entitled to half. What she's asking for isn't unreasonable, in my opinion. And she's willing to pay you $50k if she files? Sorry, but contrary to other's comments, I think this girl is a keeper; however, I'll also add in the are you sure you really want to get married at all? It's not in your best interest.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/24 01:28 PM
8

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Please, get an attorney. I understand that you still love her even if she doesn't love you, but this just became a business transaction and either you will win, or she will win. There is simply no other outcome.
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 09:46 PM
1

They ALWAYS do. Unless they royally screw you over, then the role is reversed, or so it seems based on other's approach.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 07:00 PM
1

I got mine to agree to not get a lawyer as well....
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 06:58 PM
1

Like others said, you'll basically get 50/50 anyway. She owes you half of all her assets, period. Just like you owe her half of all yours. Mine tried to go after half the value of tools I own. I ended up successfully arguing that the more valuable tools given to me by my uncle weren't mine and were on loan haha, so once I included her clothes and jewelry she would have owed me some money due to the personal asset split... obviously she quickly dropped that.
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 06:49 PM
1

Yes, that has happened to me, although admittedly, we were not way into crazy land. I think you shouldn't instantly shut this down. It's possible she's having a self-reflection moment and realizing that this isn't going to be what she had planned and she's better off working with you instead of against you. I would warn you to not drop your guard, but if she's wanting to move into a less hostile mode with you it would be in your child's best interest and your own to have an effective working rel…
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/24 01:40 PM
1

I've literally been in your shoes (well, I made 2x what she did, but otherwise same shoes) so I understand the anxiety the idea of having a judge possibly decide to give you less than 50/50 does. For what little it's worth, my opinion as an outsider who's went through this is that you are too afraid and she's going to run you over. She's making a big deal about CS, but she has to know that she's not going to pay you much if anything - her offer to pay daycare might be in your favor. This makes m…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 06:33 PM
1

Yes, but you have been the primary caregiver as you said in your post - the SPO and ESPO are slightly less than 50/50, but I'd be willing to bet in a court of law it falls to your favor UNLESS you've abused her, cheated on her, or have some other glaring things that come before the judge.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 06:25 PM
1

I mean, he makes $100k...
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 04:36 PM
5

There's also a cap on income that can be considered in TX. I think it's $9,200/month, so it doesn't really matter that she makes 3x what you do. You REALLY need to talk to a lawyer - YOUR OWN LAWYER - her offer is maaaaaybe not as crazy as it seems at first glance, but I do feel you are getting hosed on the assets part.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 04:33 PM
1

She'd have a hard time getting more than 50/50 in TX...
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 04:29 PM
1

This is TX standard agreement: https://www.texasattorneygeneral.gov/child-support/families-and-parenting/parenting-time-overview/parenting-time-schedule/50-miles-apart-or-less This is what a judge will enforce unless you agree differently. I do every other week with exchanges on Monday.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 04:26 PM
1

$7,600 is about right. That's close to what I paid and we had mostly worked out the details.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 04:22 PM
1

Haha, come on, that's not even asking if there's "anything I can do!"
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 02:14 PM
1

It's a pretty good read, but you are already on the right anyway. You needed it the first time ;-)
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 03:16 PM
1

Wow. I am truly sorry this happened to you. I feel like this would have been me had this sub not pulled me away from that path through other's stories. A lot of the guys on this sub want to do the "I can fix this!" dance and need to see stories exactly like yours, just like I did two years ago. Your life will improve immeasurably going forward, though I know when you are at the beginning of this road it's tuff to see what's ahead of yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 03:09 PM
1

"I'm sorry for your loss."
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/24 02:37 PM
20

Walk to a mirror and look at yourself. Now slap the shit out of yourself, then read the rest of my post with a beer in hand. My man. Re-read what you just wrote. You are OK with being her backup. You don't care if she sleeps around and gets her *literal* fill of sausage. It won't be one. It won't be two, it'll be several, until you are correct, she realizes that grass isn't as green as it looked. Then she'll want your "stability" she'll say you were here "constant" her "rock" her "anchor" and th…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 07:28 PM
3

I mean, it's one of those things that's very simple, but also very difficult. Imagine that in 5 years your marriage is great. What steps from today to then happened? If they are reasonable, discuss this with your wife. If they are not reasonable, or she is uninterested in working together to fix things, file for divorce immediately and let the cards fall where they may.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 04:37 PM
2

This is the craziest post I've ever read on here. I hope this is fake. In the chance it's not, good luck Sir, you need it.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 04:33 PM
1

She's probably right in that you can't "give her the love she needs." She's leaving off the part that she can't learn to respect and love you again. She wants you to have the energy for her you had when you met, and she's HOPING she falls back in love with you. If not, she was planning to move on (as she has/is now). This really is for the best.
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 04:21 PM
1

Yeah. I remember those times too... There was a point after which I'd make my then wife text me (or I'd text her) a list of what she wanted me to get from the store because every. single. time. she'd say I forgot xyz and how could I not remember those things!! Sometimes I did in fact forget, but most of the time I think she just forgot to tell me everything she needed. She would get SO MAD about me making a list and insist I should just be able to remember... Like she thought it meant I didn't c…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 04:17 PM
2

I kinda thought about this a lot over the last year... my answer might not be what you are expecting though. I think the exact moment when our relationship ended happened on our way home (an 8 hour drive) after visiting family. Her Mom had died about a year prior and she was still very messed up about it. I had been there for her the best I knew how to be and pushed that she needed to also talk to someone about it, she would never even consider it. She was mean and she was distant and at the tim…
/r/Divorce_Men18/09/24 04:00 PM
5

Man... I had a lot typed here, but I think all that really matters is my experience has taught me that if someone wants to leave, let them. Even if you are able to fight for them and they stay, they will not have any respect for you - you, as a man, think the act of forgiveness and willingness to recover with them will be seen as an act of mercy that they will then respect; however, from a woman's perspective, it just looks weak, and women do not respect what they perceive as weak men. Taking he…
/r/Divorce_Men13/09/24 08:35 PM
13

And I bet she felt justified in everything she did too. Same boat, good husband provided a good life, put her and kids first in everything, left for a total POS who was married with a kid on the way, two ex wives, and 100k in back CS owed. Couldn't make that up.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 07:28 PM
3

Amen.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 07:25 PM
9

Their sudden willingness to accept responsibility always comes later, when they realize the grass is greener where it's cared for. They let their grass become brown and dead, then see the grass on the other side looking better, jump the fence, then see that the grass begins to die or wasn't actually all that green in the first place. Meanwhile, you work on you and your grass gets greener, so they look to jump back to you. She's for the streets, in the streets let her stay.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 06:22 PM
2

Call her up and invite her to coffee to see if she's ready to reconcile! /s Who cares why? People have varying emotions, she might have done it wanting to snoop, or she maybe was feeling less angry in that moment, noticed you had her blocked and became angry again. Perhaps she didn't do it and a cosmic ray changed that single bit of code on Facebook's servers to unblock you (hey, happened to voyager!).
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 04:21 PM
3

At first I hated being divorced. Actually, in reality I think I hated the idea of having a split family. I've gotten over it, I forgave her for both my own mental health and the sake of co-parenting. I went on a LOT of dates right after and got laid a LOT. Met a lot of honestly cool girls. I think I just needed to know I wasn't "broken," if that makes sense. I really like being single and I don't want to change that.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 04:05 PM
5

Yeah, big life events where you need them for support. Mine was moving out of state and buying another house we needed to renovate (we'd done two prior). We bit off more than we could chew until she got a job (she was in school)... I did rework the entire workshop and should have spent that time/energy/money into the house instead... I often wonder how things really looked on her side before she started having an affair, but I think I already know she was done with "us" long before we even moved…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/24 03:58 PM
3

Don't forget to add that she'll have another man who will end up teaching him to shake hands, change oil, talk to girls, and generally be a man.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 02:49 PM
3

Ha, I also steer away from no kids for the same reason + if they have no kids by our age they probably don't want kids, and I have two of them. I have no clue how to integrate two families, and in truth, I don't know if I ever want to.
/r/Divorce_Men10/09/24 02:20 PM
4

File. The. Damn. Police. Report. Everything I am about to say will sound harsh, but I have first hand experience with everything I'm going to say. She for real assaulted you IN FRONT OF your kids, which is an extra charge. actions have consequences, you are NOT responsible for if she happens to loose her job (teacher?). She attacked you because you didn't say what she wanted you to say, so literally she was punishing you to train you how to respond to her. You didn't give her a wake-up call abou…
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 03:18 PM
3

Therapy. If you aren't... get into therapy. That's a huge loss to process and it's going to be much harder on her than you (if your child had been born and was older I'd say its more equal). I am sure that subconsciously she's blaming you or at least taking it out on you. If she has something to lash out at it makes the pain easier to live with. She is not doing this intentionally. That doesn't make it right, but it also doesn't mean you two can't work through this.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 07:00 PM
3

Just a thought, but it is worth going to therapy as a couple. It would probably be better to save your marriage if there's not been any infidelity.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 03:46 PM
4

****Any base contribution to retirement accounts BEFORE you were married are NOT part of the division, but the GAINS are no matter what, FYI. Personal loan against your 401K could be used to gamble though, and people loose their life savings at the casino all the time. Maybe do it over 6 months then get into a gambling recovery program.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 03:42 PM
11

Man, in a year you are going to realize just how ridiculous this was - on you for believing that's the reason and her for using such an insane reason.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 03:35 PM
1

We aren't going to agree, and that's OK. I hope for your husband's sake he never has to divorce you.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/24 03:33 PM
7

Tried that. You don't really want that, the thought you are having is really just "the grass would be so much greener on THAT side of the fence." If you were actually on that side of the fence you'd be wishing you'd left because you are so miserable. You can't win, so just be happy and don't make the same mistakes.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 07:29 PM
2

Nah, you can't control other people. If one of us said our EX requested that shit we'd all laugh about how crazy she is to even think she has any say in how we act with new partners.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 06:46 PM
–

Trust me, everyone on this forum is keenly aware of the grey areas in divorce, myself included. The problem is that us Men tend to get stuck in this circular trap where we have always provided for our family and have suddenly lost our "job" but society seems to pressure us that we should still help out the women who left us, because you know, she had kids with us then decided to split her family (IE: your church group). This pressure is from a good place, but is - at best - misguided. While this…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 01:53 PM
2

This is the unfortunate truth.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 08:09 PM
1

Nah, he won't notice. He'll just feel great about himself as she tells him her ex husband was so terrible at sex and it's great to finally get some from a real man.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 08:00 PM
1

It sounds like you desperately need a custody agreement. If I had to do things at her house to see my kids I would, so I understand, but at the same time, critically think through how you can be changing the situation so that you don't have to do things to see your kids. That said, strike a balance and don't be too available, as other's have pointed out. She "needs" (she WANTS) you to come do xyz and you want to see your kids? Via text: I'll do xyz on x day, and in return I'd like to spend time …
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 07:55 PM
1

You are separated and aren't going to catch her definitively now. If she's actually good at OPSEC (go read the r/adultry community and you'll get an idea of what to really look for, it's almost the main point of conversation there) you will never get proof beyond just what you've seen already. If she has a normal routine of going to the gym that can be easy cover for when she gets to see AP (she might even actually go). She might take PTO days from work, or call in sick. Primary, if she's good a…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 06:54 PM
2

It's always the non-cheating person's fault they cheated... always.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 06:21 PM
2

Your gut is almost always right and you should trust it. If there's any lesson at all I wish I could teach people who have never been through a cheating partner it is the stronger they deny something and the more angry they get the more likely it is to be true. Ignore what they SAY, and focus only on what they DO. It'll still take you a while to catch them, that's normal, and it really is OK - afterall, you trust them and you overlook so many details that are so obvious later, but were subconsci…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 06:14 PM
3

I trusted her way too much. In Oct (of '22) I noticed her tablet had a different PIN. She said it was so her students couldn't get into it. I asked what it is and she basically asked why I needed her tablet's PIN, and I shrugged and said I really don't, laughed and moved on, but it stuck with me and is probably the reason I started to pay more attention and ask more questions. She had just started working so her schedule drastically changed, and it was difficult for me to know what "made sense."…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:52 PM
1

Yeah man, she was/is cheating. There's no other way around it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:27 PM
5

The best thing to do is be cool. Warmly greet the new guy, say your son has said some really great things about him and you are happy to formally meet him. Then ask if you can get him anything (a drink or whatever), he'll say no, and then tell him to have a great time! Be warm and sincere and move on. She'll hate it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:23 PM
3

Nah, I get his POV Classic_Dill, it's a romantic thought emotionally. I'm in the same boat as you though... never again.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:19 PM
3

I'm sorry that is happening to you. I offered to mine in the middle of divorce negotiations to call the whole divorce off and lets just try to fix our marriage. She declined, and I'm glad she did - in retrospect I was playing Russian roulette and got away alive.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:16 PM
1

This. So, so much this. I put up with so much BS because "until death do us part [unless she 'falls out of love' or finds a new dick or doesn't feel like being a fulltime Mom or graduates college and starts working or whatever other reason here]" Vows meant something different to me than they did to her. I will never get legally married again UNLESS she makes more and/or has more assets ;-)
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:12 PM
1

This is easy to say, but harder to do: don't let it bother you. You are being manipulated. You are the one who likes "X" more than your kids but yet she's the one requesting you to give up your time while she goes out and does whatever? Either that or she wants you to go with her to whatever, which is a little harder to have an opinion on... Pick what you want to do the next week and tell her firmly what days you are doing something. She'll go crazy because you have trained her that crazy gets h…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:00 PM
2

She signed off on no CS in exchange for extra equity - she burned through her cash and now wants to come after me for CS. Giving her the extra equity is why I am working extra jobs to maintain my own lifestyle. She basically got CS payments for both kids up front, spent it all, and now wants to sue me for CS. In what fucked up world does that make me the bad guy?
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 03:31 PM
3

You have a strange view of things from my perspective. The kids have what they need at both houses and they have a little more at Dad's. The idea the kids suffer at Mom's house because I am not paying her a bunch of money is absurd. Honestly, it would just mean my extra work would no longer be extra but just be required while she does nothing else.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 03:16 PM
3

No, I don't mean that at all. I mean that cheaters deserve absolutely nothing. We have the kids evenly. She works, that's how she met her AP. She must have thought she'd be OK by her self when she started jumping on another man's dick, so why TF would I pay her to cheat on me and break apart our family? I already bust my ass when it's her weeks so that I have extra money to do things with, if I paid her CS I'd have to do that just to be where I am now, while she sits on her ass and ends up bette…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 07:27 PM
2

I'm not sure how to do that. If I plug in numbers then vs numbers now, then no, there isn't a big change. However, I still make literally two times what she does. At 50/50 time and after adding what I cover I'd still owe her $1k or so a month. I'd rather light that money on fire than hand it to her.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 03:57 PM
2

It was still signed by a judge, we just didn't have to be there. It was a mediated agreement and I paid for a "drive by" mediation to make it a mediated settlement agreement that the judge was signing off on.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/24 03:55 PM
1

Honestly... Yeah, that would bother me. I will sometimes go get the kids for her and I enjoy spending time with them, but in reality having 50/50 means I cram all the shit I have to do into the week I don't have them and be 100% present for them when I do have them. If I had to guess she has a man she's interested in and feeling burdened. I really don't blame her. It bothers me that mine puts them on the bus a block from my house (she lives 20 mins away).
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 07:21 PM
2

Ok, send me the details.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 07:06 PM
2

Yeah, I just looked up Texas law and realized she doesn't even need a lawyer to do this, it's literally baked into the system. On the exact same page, noncustodial parents are told to go have aeronautical intercourse with a highly motivated, perforated pastry (that means have a flying f*k with a doughnut) if they loose their job and figure out a way to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 06:46 PM
1

Fair point.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 06:32 PM
3

Yes you read the title correctly. We came to our own agreement about custody, CS, assets, etc., and had it signed. Since we agreed, there was no courtroom.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 06:30 PM
9

Yeah, I am perpetually broke, even if I'm not. Side Rant: It pisses me off that she leased a new car knowing her and AP weren't doing well and that is part of the reason she's so fucking broke. I have a 16 suburban and an older car, both paid off and well maintained. She can't even do any of the app based jobs because it's leased!! She has to bring the kids basically to my house to catch the bus on her weeks so she sees more or less the changes to my house, but doesn't see that I work side hustl…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 06:30 PM
2

No, I always made about double what does. The agreement was signed with me making about 7% less than I do now (we got a small COVID related raise and a merit increase).
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 05:38 PM
3

I'm only paying afterschool because she alleviated me of paying for summer care. I do NOT give her money and I don't plan to. I do not doubt she has spoken to a lawyer. She blew up about this when they first broke up early this year and she spoke to several then while realizing her AP wasn't going to be there to pay her bills anymore, but it ultimately went nowhere. She just crashed her car (not her fault) and didn't hire a lawyer because she couldn't afford one, so I don't know exactly how she'…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 05:16 PM
3

Yeah, we've been legally divorced since Nov of last year and there's a 3 year minimum in there, but I don't know exactly how well that stands up. There's also some other language meant to protect me but who knows if any of it will work out.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 05:13 PM
1

Dude.... You are in for a hell of a ride. You really had her served at work and she had zero clue you knew? Holy crap, the rage bomb is going to be amazing. My advice... Lets see. You can't legally make leave, BUT you will have made her so Fing crazy that you can probably get her to hit you a few good times, on tape, and have her arrested for DV, then use that get a restraining order and kick her out of the house legally. This might not go the way you think though, if she doesn't "get mad" the w…
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/24 04:58 PM
2

I stood on exactly that line for a long time until something happened that pushed me to drive to the place both of them were renting to have a spirited conversation with my then-wife (it was something that our kids told me happened) and he put himself in the middle. I'm not sure how he'd thought that would go, but he never spoke a word to me after. In truth I think I only beat him because he wasn't expecting me to fight him, but the moment he hit the ground I didn't let him get up until he was c…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 06:27 PM
2

Nah, he knew everything about you, he was never going to say anything to you to get into a fight.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 02:11 PM
1

I dunno, I mean today's advice is to call the teacher, no wait, I mean cops. Some people only understand getting their ass kicked, some need it twice and the second time needs to be brutal. If he's the type to talk shit he's probably not calling the cops after getting his ass kicked. Also, my experience is "that type" will back down from a fight when it comes right down to it. He'll still talk shit though. YMMV.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/24 02:05 PM
8

Lots of people here saying she wants something, but I think most of us can feel the difference between being nice to get something vs being nice because you realize you were forced to come to terms with yourself + your actions. Sounds like she's being remorseful of how she treated a "good man" that she didn't value while she had you. Stay strong, if she's like mine she'll put on all the stops because you were her stability, her "anchor" and biggest advocate. All those pretty words that while she…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/24 08:41 PM
2

This is not the forum for this post. That said... You live together and in her eyes are working towards an actual future, of course you are expected to be at that wedding. If you really don't want to go then just say no and be ready to break up if it comes to it. Hate to break this to you, but she is used to getting her way if she throws a fit - - - you have trained her to continue this behavior by giving in and/or tolerating it. You do realize that if you are dating 13 years younger part of it …
/r/Divorce_Men23/08/24 02:27 PM
1

They never are. From their perspective, I'm sure we aren't either ;)
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 08:40 PM
1

This is hard to follow, but it feels like you and her had different ideas about what separation meant for you. I don't have a kid "on the spectrum" but I do have two small kids. She knew this before moving in and it was fine, then she couldn't take it? Just seems like there's more to this story and you are fishing for support without actually telling the whole story.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 03:13 PM
4

Listen, the person that calls the police is assumed to be the victim. Don't let her call. Make sure you are marked up good and call then have her arrested. Then use that to get a restraining order. You might not want to hear this, but her abusing you isn't actually proof she isn't a good Mom. You must have evidence of her not caring for her daughter to win custody. Don't let her go out of state.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 03:05 PM
1

Yes, sort of. I mean, I don't hate her, and I want my messages to feel neutral so I put more thought into what I sent to her than most other people. I try to keep our relationship even toned because we have two small kids together and share 50/50. Plus if I need her to keep the kids here and there or pick them up it's easier if we have a good working relationship. With that said... I will not put up with her shit and have a zero tolerance policy for being yelled at or cursed at. She gets insta-b…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 02:56 PM
2

My dude, if you are in the Dallas area DM me, I'll be in your corner. I had literally the same thoughts and convictions about marriage. I did actually wait until she cheated, but there is no reason to wait till then. I should have left her several years ago. Something that stands out to me now is that all of my best stories about her (the best memories) are from the first 2-3 years.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 02:39 PM
4

Listen, I was married to her too, except in my own marriage she also had depression issues, not me. This will not get better. You can try setting the example and taking the high road, but that wont work. The only thing she will understand is power. You've witnessed this by saying you want a divorce and her whole approach changed... you stood up and took the power. Unfortunately you have to make a choice - do you stay in a relationship where everything is a struggle for power, or do you leave? Th…
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/24 02:34 PM
1

Glad I'm not the only one with the exact same thoughts on this one.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 02:17 PM
3

I'm going to disagree with you on this one and I'll probably get downvoted... Sure, she was upset with your Mom and used that as a reason not to go in, but also, how awkward of a situation would that have been for her in the house with ex in laws who loved her that she 'let down' by divorcing their Son? She didn't make you come get the kids, she brought them, then waited for them and was there for them the moment they got out. Imagine the opposite of this story from our collective divorced men g…
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 02:15 PM
6

From the Marriage: Just because you are married doesn't mean you can stop dating your wife. If I am going to take fault for something, this is one thing I believe I consistently failed at. Don't put her on a pedestal. "Happy wife happy life" is total bullshit. I'd bend to what SHE wanted way too often, then she'd realize the mistake and I'd fix it... To put this into perspective, I mean if I had no strong opinion I'd default to her desire/opinion, but the last several years I got into the habit …
/r/Divorce_Men26/07/24 03:56 PM
2

We switch out every Monday... at the time I was thinking I really wanted to have Sunday afternoons then get them afterschool on Monday, easy, right? Problem is I didn't think about Summer at the time!! She's a teacher and to her it doesn't matter - she's off all summer lol. I end up paying for camp for a day the kids don't go, then have to WFH for the Monday I have them and am handing them off to her. The other thing I didn't think about is that the kids will go to schools as zoned for my house,…
/r/Divorce_Men03/07/24 02:13 PM
3

We all feel that sentiment where you just want to keep your family together. It makes us willing to believe them when they say they learned their lesson, or believe it was us (the one who didn't cheat lol) who needs to improve themselves. We trick ourselves into seeing how we weren't a good husband, when in reality we simply weren't a perfect human, then we beat ourselves up over it. Some honest advice: It's very easy for us to tell you to tell her to pound sand, but the actuality of doing it is…
/r/Divorce_Men20/06/24 02:08 PM
3

THIS! That guilt she has right now is about the only thing that will get you decent terms. Keep her feeling guilty to win big, let it go into anger after the terms are agreed too. She manipulated and gaslight you while she was trying out sausages... keep in mind this woman does not love you now, she NEEDS you now and there's a difference.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 04:54 PM
2

Oh snap, she's making it like it's a demand! Hahahahahaha like she's way too good for you but willing to stoop to your level and try again? Bahahaha!!
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 04:45 PM
5

And married. Don't forget married.
/r/Divorce_Men19/06/24 04:44 PM
1

Yes, you can.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/24 03:29 PM
2

YES! (sorta) First you have to understand that even though you want to be amicable, it is ultimately going to be up to her, and you can't actually control that. How you handle yourself can influence it though! How? Well, you'll need to be assertive but polite, stand your ground but maintain the high road, tell her "No" but also not react when she goes balastic (grey rock her when she gets out of line). My advice is to carefully decide where you want "the line" to be, then firmly hold whatever li…
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 04:13 PM
3

Do NOT move out. I also did the "power struggle" for the master bedroom for a good while. One day while she went and visited with her boyfriend I moved all her stuff into another bedroom. As you can imagine, it was WW3 when she returned. In the end, she remained in the spare room but I almost had to call the police.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 03:46 PM
22

Mine is in the same boat. Upset she has to pay for things and suddenly now that she's in the 'real world' she understands the need to cut back... lol.
/r/Divorce_Men11/06/24 01:21 PM
4

It's actually pretty easy: Could you go on like this "forever?" You are 4 months in and the mask is just now starting to drop - - - let me say this a different way: you are just now starting to see a glimpse of who she actually is.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 07:57 PM
10

Man... Listen, you just kinda gotta decide to forgive and move on with your life. What's the alternative? Spend years of your life trying to put together a puzzle that's missing parts?
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/24 07:14 PM
3

Just remember for every hot girl you see there's someone that's stick of her shit.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 03:44 PM
2

This is truth. Rule 1 is to be hot and in shape - if you can do that nothing else really matters that much. If you aren't hot and in shape then ok, you have to work harder (be funny!!). It's not rocket science, honestly.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 03:35 PM
1

Yeah, but not for a first meet, they care that you are fun at first and are not thinking practical things.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 03:31 PM
1

Yeah... I don't struggle at all. The only "struggle" is that I don't have the circles I had in my 20s, so I use apps and am quick to ask for a number in person for random encounters. Google how to setup an online profile and/or watch some youtube videos so you don't come off as pathetic.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 03:28 PM
2

That's where mine is right now. No plan B and is lost and doesn't know what to do.
/r/Divorce_Men06/06/24 03:10 PM
1

That just means she doesn't respect you. If I had to guess you want her back, or at least are talking to her regularly. More importantly, why did you give her the power to impact how you feel?
/r/Divorce_Men03/06/24 03:04 PM
2

This is really good advice.
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/24 08:26 PM
3

I had to deal with that pretty badly. Ignoring her and/or taking the high road didn't help. All the kids will see is Dad letting Mom talking to him like crap and that's they are learning is normal from women. Set boundaries, it's not unreasonable to expect to be spoken to respectfully. When she gets crazy, leave ASAP and say nothing, hang up, stop responding, etc. Expect her to EXPLODE when you start doing this - that stage lasts a few weeks, but will pass. You'll know it's working when you are …
/r/Divorce_Men22/05/24 08:24 PM
2

I can also attest to her being angry because I refused her for sex. In a wtf twist, she straight up told me she didn't care if I was "getting pussy on the side," she wanted me to f*k her like I used too, because, and I quote: "I can't seem to find decent dick and I'm tired of trying." Like... wtf...
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 02:03 PM
5

Learn to play poker Learn to trade stocks Flip free furniture from Facebook marketplace Donate Plasma Uber/Lyft/etc/etc/etc Lie, Cheat, and Steal.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 01:53 PM
14

In retrospect, I should have left when she refused to seek help for her issues after loosing her Mom. I listened, then suggested it, then asked for her to go, then tried to 'force' her to go, went to couples counseling by myself, but ultimately I was forced into an unspoken decision: After 2 years of this I could accept the "new her" or choose not to, and divorce her. I chose to stay and accept the 'new her,' which wasn't the girl I married or the Mother of my kids - she had been replaced with a…
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/24 01:48 PM
8

Honestly, your age range sucks. Going into the 20somethings gets you before the bioclock ticks hard and some good times. Going up into the 40s more will get you stress free good times, but they will almost certainly have kids already. YOU have kids. Personally I worry more about age of their kids - IE: teenagers? good to go. Little kids? hell no. Also, I have little kids and am basically the same age as you - I get rejections for having young kids the same as I reject women for having young kids…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/24 03:15 PM
2

I have a similar 'issue' where the fact that I'm happy causes her issues, so I don't share much with her anymore. We also joke and talk via text, but not so much in person.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 03:58 PM
2

Yes it's possible. I have a friendly relationship with mine and we coparent very well. Edit to add: it might not be possible at first, there are a lot of feelings that run high through that process. She may not want that by the end of it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 03:53 PM
2

I think that's a by-product of the system as much as male logic vs female emotion. Guys don't want to break up a family or go through a divorce, knowing how painful both will be, so they are motivated to stay, because LOGICALLY a divorce makes no sense to them/us. I read or heard once that Men will stay unless it's actively bad, Woman will leave if it's not actively good.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 03:00 PM
4

Depends on what you are looking for. Personally I wouldn't support her financially at all, but some people get off on that kind of thing... In my experience single Moms are great IF you are looking for primarily sex without calling it that. Basically she'll only have a few days/month free and want to get laid, so your dates will always end (or start or include) with sex.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/24 02:51 PM
2

Riding is the most fun thing you can do with your pants on.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 04:53 PM
2

I agree with not helping [anyone] just to show them what a 'good guy' you are. Fuck that. I also agree to go live your life and not try to "show" them how great you are doing. They don't need details of your life! Mine has had no clue what I was doing for months even when we shared a house. She'd ask and get upset when I didn't tell her for a while, but the most I would give her was generally what time I thought I'd be back (bedtime for our kids is the only reason I did that). It's not her busin…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 04:43 PM
1

She won't regret anything because you are a 'good guy' unless she doesn't have any other options and wants you back, and in that case, she'd regret it if you were a good guy or not. I don't even know if mine actually regrets what she did or not - I think she THINKS she does, but does she really, truly? I think it's more likely her current narrative will only last until she finds some other dick, then I'll be back to not being "perfect," which is fine by me. The test will be how she acts after sh…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 04:40 PM
2

Yes. That is exactly what I asked of her at first. Paraphrased her answer was no, I asked several times over the next month and she said yes (I think they had a fight or something), then two weeks later she was back at it with him, so I filed for divorce a few weeks after that. If you are in a similar spot I'll say this: If DDay is I did this and I messed up and I want to fix what I broke, then try it if you want. If you busted her or if her DDay is I did this and I'm sorry, but I'm going to kee…
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/24 04:27 PM
3

Oh because he beat the shit out of her and strangled her. No fucking clue why dude isn't behind bars and don't care. According to her their contact is limited to the lease they both signed. Is that true? probably not! If she starts fucking him again maybe she'll stop asking for another shot with me. I made it pretty clear to her that if I find out she let a man who assaulted her around my kids I'd take her to court for full custody plus CS.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 06:40 PM
2

Yes, I also responded to another comment something similar. I'm saying friends, but I'm not sure if that's the right description...
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 05:52 PM
3

Nah, I'm not putting up with any disrespect. I don't have too =)
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 04:49 PM
1

Dude.... I don't exactly know how I would have handled that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 04:32 PM
1

Honestly, if she isn't friendly with a few of her exs and/or able to speak to good and bad about someone she was previously married too, I'm not giving her a second date. Fuck that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 04:24 PM
1

Haha, everyone is crazy, Sir.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 04:19 PM
2

I respect your opinion, but disagree with the picture you've colored. Things are not one size fits all - my boundaries may not align well with your own, but don't think for a moment that means I have no/poor/weak boundaries - they are simply placed differently than your own. I also do not feel that my boundaries will/are going to cause an issue with healing because I have not a single ounce of desire to get back together. If I'm wrong either I'll realize it myself or in therapy and adjust from t…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 03:35 PM
3

It's the most fun thing you can do with your pants ON and is incredibly therapeutic.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 03:05 PM
1

I do not think I could put up with that for 2 years. That would make me cut her off... it just feels like a lack of respect for my decision.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 03:05 PM
3

I'm going to think on this for a while. I've been using friendship, but perhaps that's not the right word. Thanks.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:54 PM
1

I do see how it could be taken that way Reflog1791. I think there are nuances that didn't make it into the story above that could impact your thinking. I don't comfort her, at all. I don't try to tell her it'll be ok or keep her looking for a future chance - I actively tell her it's over and she needs to accept that. I don't jump to respond to her messages or answer her phone calls, I don't explain what I'm doing or who I'm doing it to... I have friend zoned her in a way that's somewhat under my…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:52 PM
1

She certainly could start doing that. If I need to be considerably more direct with her I will be. I certainly am not afraid of confrontation, but I also do not like needless confrontation, so I will manage the situation as peacefully as possible while getting exactly what I want and apply pressure as needed.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:34 PM
2

I have a 2023 BMW R1250GSA that I bought in Dec of 22 just before I found out she was cheating. I took a motorcycle to Alaska in the summer of 2011 and hadn't felt like riding since then... I wouldn't have bought it if I knew she was cheating so I'm glad I didn't know. That bike sorted out a shitload of feelings over the last 1.5 years.... 10k miles on it already!
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:26 PM
3

I also was guilty of hanging onto a ship that was sinking. I don't regret my decisions, instead I appreciate the lessons I learned from the experience. I'll never have to repeat that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:24 PM
1

100% agreed.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:22 PM
4

Yes, I agree with this - Delulu.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:17 PM
5

Why? The only thing that bothers me about her at this point is that I know she wants "another chance." Otherwise I don't miss her, I don't want reconciliation, I'm happy we are divorced... I don't know that I ever really hated her but at this point I'm not worried about it. Yes, I cried when she was out, but it wasn't about "her," and I think that's an important distinction. I do not want this kind of upbringing for my kids and that's what the issue is. If being friends with her helps the kids (…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/24 02:14 PM
2

I didn't read any comments, but gotta say, try therapy first. Best case you get 50/50, worst case you get every other weekend. Either way, you won't have any money left over after CS. Tell her you see that you are growing apart, ask her to go to therapy, ask her on a date, asker her to ask you on a date, whatever, but give it a good try before you pull that divorce trigger. Are you cheating on her?
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/24 02:03 PM
1

In the most simple terms possible? Don't worry about it. You can not control what another person does, and you can't control this, so it does not deserve the space in your mind. I'm saying this after having been through it with my two boys. You. Can. Not. Control. This. Just let it be. ​ What you can control is your relationship with her when you have her. Focus on only that. Don't ask her questions about what Mommie does, if something 'bad' is happening she WILL tell you about it, and you can r…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 06:48 PM
1

I think it'll make you feel a lot better about yourself. I also think you should be honest, but I suggest putting "short-term, open for long" as your goal (assuming Tinder here) and not mention that you are in the middle of a divorce in your bio. It will come up quickly in conversation - do not lie! The other thing to know is... well... other girls don't give a shit about your STBXW, don't talk about her. You can say you are getting divorced because she cheated and if they press more than just a…
/r/Divorce_Men04/04/24 06:27 PM
2

I am co-habing for another few weeks, but we are officially divorced now. We had the same convo, she setup a Tinder account and I did too, she literally sent me some of her favorite pictures of me to use, lol. Fast forward a few days and she says she doesn't think she's interested in online dating (I think she's struck things back up with her affair partner). A few days after that I tell her I'm going out and won't be back till late. She - in a joking tone - asks if I'm going on a date and I con…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/24 06:58 PM
2

Depending on how much it is will determine your tax withholding. 20% is up to something like $50k, then 22%, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/24 03:59 PM
0

There's only taxes due on a QDRO payout.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/24 03:58 PM
1

I was also incredibly lucky like this. I'm locked into 2.95 and would have sold and rented if we were both on loan.
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/24 03:39 PM
2

You are married to her and what's hers is also yours. User HER money to pay a lawyer. Tell the court you want representation but she is withholding the ability for you to do it. See what they say.
/r/Divorce_Men21/03/24 04:47 PM
3

Isn't it funny how badly things get without you realizing it? I've had several of those same realizations and don't know if I should laugh at myself or curse myself for being where I had been.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 07:27 PM
1

That's not true. We are JMC, so nobody is primary. Our schedule makes it exactly 50/50 time with the kids, which is slightly different than the Texas standard.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 06:18 PM
3

Lol @ "kicking the kids out on the street." ​ Good job keeping it out of the gutter. I understand wanting to just get in the mud and wrestle and constantly having to remind yourself that while it might feel good, it's not productive.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 04:22 PM
1

I would have laughed as I hung up (or walked away)! I don't question that she wouldn't do the same if the roles were reversed, but I also think we should decide and do what we feel is right for ourselves. What I mean is, if I thought I would "feel bad" about keeping the cash and enforcing the MSA then I wouldn't, even though I think she would.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 03:14 PM
2

yeah, barred for 3 years, then only pending a "substantial change." There's also language in the MSA stating that neither party will ever pay CS to the other, and if it's awarded by a court, then the person awarded must pay it back within 30 days. Lawyer said this probably won't hold up, but he's never had it challenged either.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 03:10 PM
2

I more or less told her that in a slightly different way.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 03:06 PM
1

It does, but we did NOT go through a judge, I wouldn't have gotten this good of a deal that way. This was a settlement without mediation that I then had mediated. This is called a drive by mediation. In short, you agree to terms, have a lawyer write it up, get her to verbally agree, then hire a mediator who will ask some basic questions and sign it as if it's mediated - took 15 mins to make it almost bulletproof. I "played the game" to get what I have. I very much took advantage of the affair ha…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 02:57 PM
1

Yeah, the ink on the decree is dry. We are setup joint and are supposed to make decisions together. Without going into it she was very specific about "true" 50/50 and my lawyer wrote in as much as he could without specifically calling me the primary. I'm happy with it and I don't plan to move, and she certainly can't move outside of our county or surrounding ones.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 02:48 PM
5

I was there OP. I did that OP. Don't do it OP. It works, for a little while. You fuck her brains out, she tells you how GREAT the sex is with you, she's suddenly willing to try things she never was before and it's honestly fun. She might even get you a trophy for "best sex ever" (mine literally did... then I gave it to AP when he showed up at my house one day, to see his mind get fucked right in front of me was great). Then AP manages to get back in contact somehow and she's off to the races aga…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 02:23 PM
2

Similar. A lot of us were in the same boat and feel the same way of being glad we both 'got the chance' and that it didn't work out, lol.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/24 02:00 PM
4

you are right about that and I have no intention of doing anything EXCEPT what's in the MSA. ​ I was mostly concerned with the truck's value. I feel some moral pull to give her the money for that, since I gave it to her in the divorce, but at the same time, she didn't say she wanted it to be paid back.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/24 07:01 PM
10

You guys are great. Thanks for making sure I don't fall for her gaslighting BS.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/24 06:59 PM
3

Yeah, in my case I was told part of the reason she cheated was because AP was "more alpha" than me. I thought that was silly and laughed, she got mad. Dude cant fix anything, cant build anything, has 3 kids he doesn't see and been divorced 3 times. Some months later he started hitting her, so maybe she was right?
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/24 06:16 PM
1

Geez. I've been told "you were never a good husband" but the followup bit is gold.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/24 06:09 PM
2

If you are still working out terms and need to "keep the peace" to help negotiations you may consider work for work trade. IE: I'll build you a [insert furniture here] if you [do something with equal time commitment]. #1. Your time is valuable and she should pay for it! #2. She'll stop asking for so many things once she realizes she'll have to work as well and more importantly, she basically tells herself no. ​ If she's the type to be appalled at you requesting fair payment and uses the "its for…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/24 04:30 PM
2

Since so many people have suggested this I'm starting to wonder if I should. I don't think he is going to be in their lives - like I think she's just using him as an emotional crutch. That happened about 4 months ago now, so I don't know how to get a TRO or PO. They would both deny it happened. I might have to wait until/if something else happens, as shitty as that is.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 06:15 PM
3

That's about right. Sometimes I think maybe I really wasn't right for her, and that's why nothing we had/did was "enough." Or maybe I was and what she wanted in a partner changed without her communicating that in a way I could understand. She really went downhill after loosing her Mom - she had to make the decision to stop life support after her Mom had already struggled for a year and that really changed her. I tried to get her to get help and just 'be there for her' but I think in retrospect I…
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 06:08 PM
4

She refused to press charges because she said she started it by hitting him several times with a piece of wood or something. ​ She's still in the house because she has 60 days after the QDRO payout, per our MSA.
/r/Divorce_Men13/03/24 05:59 PM
1

Honestly, I think you need some therapy. ​ Things won't be better without a wife and kids - they are not the reason your life sucks, you are. No, I don't know you, and I don't need too. You are blaming YOUR issues on other people. Seriously, get some help, even if you don't think you need it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 05:07 PM
2

I second this as well.
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 03:46 PM
3

Don't worry about it man, I was/am in pretty much the same situation. I'm a bigger dummy, I let her move back to my house after she moved out because her AP was physically abusing her and she "didn't have anywhere else to go." AFTER I had already divorced her!! Then I fell for the love bombing routine - about a month later she was back to talking to the guy who beat the shit out of her. I found out and flipped my shit but she begged and pleaded for me to not kick her out promised the world, etc.…
/r/Divorce_Men08/03/24 03:40 PM
6

My Dude, You will need to make a decision. I saw your comment below that you don't want to end it, so here's my advice: tell her you are considering divorce, but would like to give couples counseling a try, and see what she says. If she goes, great! You get to get divorced later down the line! If she says no, great! You get to get divorced now (this is probably the better option) ​ She's done, you know your done, you are just afraid to admit it to yourself and her. You don't want to be the "bad …
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 01:45 PM
4

I'll play: I made her happiness my priority to the point of if she wasn't happy, I wasn't. I thought that if I just did "more" She'd see how much I was doing and be appreciative / value me the way I valued her. I stopped doing the things I liked to do Even as it became VERY apparent to me she needed to be in therapy I never forced her to go. By forced I mean, 'go or I'm divorcing you,' which lead to #1. I setup counseling for us at one point, but she wouldn't go, so I went myself for a while. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 10:31 PM
15

Yes, unfortunately for her in this moment everything she says is real from her perspective. She HAS to find a while to justify what she's done because otherwise she has to admit to herself what a POS she is, and nobody wants to do that =)
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 10:17 PM
1

Yes, in retrospect, I would have pursued a TRO + prot order immediately. The kids were not present when that happened, and she left there immediately after, and I felt that was the end of it at the time. She never pursued charges because she 'hit him first' and burned his nose with a flat iron... Yes, I should have known better and had less trust in someone who is a known liar. We have had a handful of rather serious fights throughout this affair and I asked her why she never even thought to hit…
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 04:50 PM
1

I can assure you that was not the case. I think she may have thought I had that motive as well and when she realized I had no intention of reconciling....
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 02:16 PM
2

It's not about taking her back, that was never in the cards.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 02:12 AM
6

Thank you for the quick replies. Everyone said exactly what I needed. She just called me asking about what she should be planning to do about housing "It's up to you, i'll go if that's what you want" and I told her she needed to go - that it wasn't up to me where, but she can't stay here.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 10:47 PM
2

Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 10:41 PM
2

thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 10:41 PM
4

Yeah, now that you are done she's back and wants to work on it? No. This sounds the same as a cheater wanting to come back when you moved on. It's not real. Don't misunderstand - she DOES mean it right now and she BELIEVES she'll do better. She wont. The bad part about finding a workshop is that it's just long enough for her to still be in the mindset of doing better. Instead, go to couples therapy and tell them you both need help deciding if you should call it quits or stay together. Talk about…
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 04:25 PM
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