One thing that stands out to me is that the advice for getting laid while you are either cohabing and/or are going through a divorce is abstinence. It's good advice, to be sure, but in reality works about as well as teaching only abstinence in school - leaves you without the knowledge you need to succeed!

Basically, the steps below are designed to destroy her map of you. She knows what you do, she knows your routine, and women are pretty good at knowing the importance of suddenly different things. You will have to destroy her ability to know what to expect and normalize unpredictability.

  1. Set a pin for your phone!

1A. Start by imagining you have something to hide on your phone. Put it on vibrate, keep it on your person at all times around her, if you set it down, set it down facedown. Don't answer a single text message in front of her, but you can and should use it to check the weather or emails, or surf the web. She probably won't say a single thing, but she is GOING to notice this change and now she's suspicious. Silence her messages - she's used to you responding quickly and she WILL find reasons to contact you just to see if you respond quickly. You will need to slow down communication with her - normalize your replies taking a long time. If she calls don't always pick up. Let it go to VM, or text her that you are busy, or will call back, or whatever. The goal of 1A is to break her expectation of you replying quickly so that it doesn't really stand out when you go on dates later.

1B. Pick a few days each and every week to be out of the house. Don't share what you are doing immediately, make her work for it. She may or may not ask for a while, but she's paying attention. What should you do? Well, I suggest buying some new clothes, try out a few gyms, go for a hike, try out new places to eat by yourself, check out bars and find a few cool ones at different parts of the area you are in, try out a musical instrument lesson, go to car meets, go to biker meets (Harley dealerships have huge bike meets and they cook), play poker, go fishing.... It doesn't matter WHAT you do specifically, just that you ARE actually doing things, and you SHOULD be doing things you would never normally do. Take pictures. You should do this for a minimum of 1 month.

***Why? Well, you don't really know who you are as a single man, and this step is partly to help you figure that out, while shattering her map of 'what you do.' At the same time, you are learning to be less dependent on her for emotional support, simply by slowing down communication with her and creating that distance.

  1. This step depends on her, not you. She is going to question you about all these new things and probably outright accuse you of having another girl. Tell her you don't have one (don't get defensive), and if you can show a picture of what you were doing that triggered her accusations, then do it. Tell her you are doing new things because you are a single man again, and you need to discover who you are without her now. Tell her you have no interest in another relationship - that you have decided to work on yourself and focus on being happy. All of those things are true, and you should save the bulk of what you'll say for when she confronts you. The goal here is to get her to accept the IDEA you might actually be working on yourself and shutting her out - she's not going to buy it, but this casts doubt in her mind you found another woman, and that's good enough to continue to step 3.

  2. CHANGE YOUR PHONES PIN CODE! She probably has it by now. We are about to actually have something to hide.

  3. Sign up for whatever online dating apps, but you need to turn OFF banner alerts! This should be obvious, but don't bring her back to your house, no matter how sure you are your STBXW isn't going to be home or show up. Condoms... this will get you caught. Either buy and dispose of the whole pack (never bring them home) or find a really good spot to hide them in your car that she'll never find.

  4. Great, now you found some girl and she's making you happy, right? Getting laid, she probably makes you feel like a Million $s. Good. You'll want to see her constantly because you just realized how terrible you have actually been treated, don't. Your STBXW will say some hurtful and mean things and you'll want to drop that you are and have been banging someone else... don't. If your STBXW feels like she's getting more suspicious end things with 'new girl,' let the situation cool and find a new, new girl... or don't, and continue to work on yourself.

Why go through all of this? Because even if you stop at step 3 you've helped yourself! Interestingly, like many can attest to, the moment you find another woman she'll be interested in you again. The mere idea that you could do new things and be happy without her will bring her right back - like the happiness sucking harpie she is.

Lastly, I want to say one more time, that I think NOT sleeping around until after your divorce has been signed by a judge is by far the smarter thing to do. What I am describing here is essentially OPSEC for having an affair, but this level of effort is required because while she may be able to get laid without consequence, the system is not 'for you' and she will make sure you get every inch of the justice d*ck without any lube if she finds out you are plowing the younger, hotter, fun version of her.