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Cairenne Archive

View 2 posts and 236 comments by Cairenne on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
108

Story time ☕Cairenne/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 09:24 AM
106

#JustLVMThingsCairenne/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 07:49 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
7

Yup! If this is a standard for you then that’s great, that’s not really a debatable point.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/21 03:08 PM
17

All right, I was gonna just scroll on by without comment but since you’ve specifically asked for opinions here it is. Your post strikes me as naive. I understand how you got to here, but it honestly just screams that you’re young and have limited experience of single mothers as a whole and not just the common tropes. Which, I will admit, do exist but aren’t indicative of the whole. It reads as the same tired argument I hear from men all the time. LV ones at that. “Single mothers are good for fun…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/21 11:44 AM
30

Grew up with narc parents and had a hella narc ex. Found myself nodding along to most of this and it’s fairly refreshing seeing someone with NPD discuss it. But also yes. This is why getting your own mental health in order is absolutely vital.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 09:58 AM
48

Look, if I wanted to deal with trash all day I’d become a garbage collector.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/21 06:32 PM
1

Next century would have been too early 🤦🏻‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/21 06:00 PM
332

Don’t you just love how it escalates from “let’s type out a song” to “WEIRD SEX CRINGE THING” then more song as if he hadn’t just been a complete pervert.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/08/21 06:01 AM
19

I can even remember thinking at the time I was gonna go for someone a little outside of my normal type! And he seemed nice, etc etc. 8 months and then he stalked me for another 8 🤦🏻‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/21 07:42 AM
31

Well look at that. I dated juveniles for a while and then my last ex (pre fds) was very much a baby boy. Never again 🤢
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/21 06:13 AM
30

It’s awful. My married friends fall into two camps; legitimate partnerships where they’re both parenting and it’s actually wonderful to see, and “I love him and I know he loves me but I shoulder most of the burden unless I manage him”. From that second group, on and off, I hear that they can relate to me because they’re basically single mothers. Now I can remember feeling offended by this a couple years back because that really is not a tactful thing to say to an actual single mother with no cop…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/07/21 08:50 AM
22

Just commented something similar, but right? Guess they both view people as objects.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/07/21 06:10 AM
38

The cynic in me wants to point out that there have been cases of serial rapists where they didn’t have functional “equipment” and used other objects instead. Usually ones designed to harm. Violent men are despicable. The “sex workers substitute” argument is horrific though. Edit: hit post before finishing thought 😅
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/07/21 05:47 AM
6

Schrodinger’s … rapist? 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/07/21 05:44 AM
28

So true, I can remember the Heroic Vampire taking me by surprise the first time around… they suck just as much. Pun completely intended
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 09:14 PM
55

So… he’s disrupting her sleep, being a disrespectful ass, ruining himself for real sex, and showcasing himself as a complete waste of time… and she’s still asking if it’s her fault? I understand, because once upon a time it was me, and I grieve, because holy hell how did this become the norm? No part of that is acceptable.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/21 08:27 AM
7

Wow. They’re both pathetic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/21 08:24 AM
136

He’s already abusing you. When men hit walls and furniture (and the floor) like that? They’re threatening you. This is already domestic violence. Get him out, obviously. Depending on where you live, this is already reportable to the police. There are no excuses you can accept from a guy like that, because the baby step from psychological abuse and threats (this, even if he said nothing, which I doubt) to physical abuse is vanishingly small. And frankly if he’s not respecting your home or belongi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/07/21 07:58 AM
15

Hopefully it gets consigned to the mental trash again soon
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/07/21 07:29 AM
147

Great, now I need to bleach that memory from my brain again. 🤦🏻‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/07/21 08:12 PM
9

Single Mum, dated briefly last year and regret it. I got us out before anything too bad happened but 8 months later I had to report him for stalking. And he seemed okay. (Until he threw a red flag and I left, of course) Basically not planning on dating now until my kid is at least ten, maybe even late teens. He asks for a dad figure sometimes, but it’s just not worth the risk at this stage. He has plenty other male people in his life; family, club leaders. He doesn’t need a strange man in our ho…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/07/21 03:04 PM
9

Last time I tried birth control (a little over a year ago) I’d been off it for several years. Instantly felt crap. It didn’t improve after about a month, so I stopped. LVX didn’t love that, but I much prefer not feeling utterly crap and having worse mood swings and cramps, cheers. 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/07/21 02:59 PM
7

At.. seventeen? Christ, I want to be sickened and outraged and surprised by that. I’m not actually surprised though. My experience of 17 year old boys (from when I was that age) involved a sadist also. That was a decade and a bit ago. This isn’t encouraging as a trend 🤦🏻‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/07/21 06:18 AM
3

Fantastic! Great job getting that help! ❤️ wishing you luck
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/21 09:04 AM
7

I hear you, and oh yes. University can be really difficult! The exhaustion is extreme… are you getting much support there? I remember hearing about someone getting shorter deadlines for each piece of the work instead of one deadline at the end and thinking that was actually brilliant. Either way, do what you can and remember when people say “do your best” there’s usually a silent “while still sleeping, eating, and taking care of yourself” People forget there can be lots of reasons for struggling…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/21 08:50 AM
14

Parts of it definitely rubbed me the wrong way, but not actually the early marriage and kids bit. If I’m remembering correctly there was a part in there about the gpa. Now, obviously we want to be trying damn hard to get good grades. Obviously. Here’s the (minor) problem; sometimes things like undiagnosed adhd make your last year of a degree exponentially harder no matter what kind of effort you put in. This won’t be everyone’s experience and I didn’t comment on it at the time because it doesn’t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/21 07:28 AM
16

My blood just ran cold. I’ve seen this used on me before, and while now it’d be grounds for cutting a guy off entirely… this has the potential to seriously hurt so many women. Then leave them with the “i consented though, so it can’t be rape” confusion after. Morally bankrupt.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/06/21 05:59 AM
15

And I mean. Looking around, can we really blame some salt?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/21 09:00 PM
31

🙄🤦🏻‍♀️ It’s moments like these where I seriously start asking very many why questions that are on the meaner side of the scale.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/21 08:53 PM
10

So, the LVX I dated last year pre fds (Feb to Oct) showed up out of the blue a couple weeks ago. At my door. This following some months of silence, prior to which he made enough of a nuisance of himself to be blocked on everything and STILL tried emailing me in January to “meet up and talk”. I did the sensible thing and reported it to the police. They took it seriously and went to see him to basically say stop, and he cried at the police 🤦🏻‍♀️ So the upshot is it got recorded as a domestic and n…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/21 06:13 AM
2

Yes! So thankful that narcissistic abuse info is findable on Google! Did you happen to stumble across Dr Ramani on YouTube yet? There’s her and a few others that are truly fantastic on the subject. Helps with unpicking 😊
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/06/21 07:51 AM
12

Hey, same story here. Both my parents were narcissists and I didn’t really know that until after my first ex (abusive raging narc also). Since cutting contact with them I’ve had to leave behind some other people too and it really does play a number on your psyche thinking it’s your own fault. It’s hard to unlearn what you’ve been brainwashed into all your life. Not impossible, though. I’m certainly in a much healthier place now and I’ve worked harder than most would “get” - my last boyfriend, wh…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/06/21 07:05 AM
17

I caught myself thinking I just made bad choices the other day. But then, it’s not like they were always obviously bad 🤷🏻‍♀️ Doesn’t change the fact I’m now much harder to get to though.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/06/21 06:56 AM
7

You know I think part of it is how people meet too. Certainly in my grandparents time there was no internet, that’s a given, but also you’d have the scenario where it was your friends or family or someone in the community introducing you. There’s that layer of accountability when you’re connected in that way. You don’t want to act like a creep or seem cheap or word would get around and there would be consequences. Now? Online dating? You may not have a single person in common. I never used to co…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/06/21 04:09 PM
3

Well this is a club I belong to but would rather not.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 06:57 AM
7

It really is these days. You do get some people that are legitimately trying to help, but you get a huge amount of people just in it to make money from the ill informed. It’s a real mixed bag and ultimately it’s hard to refer anyone over there now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 06:57 PM
3

I mean as a term it has no legislative weight around it. People that don’t necessarily know what they’re looking for will see that and go “oh that’s okay then, they can help” and good trauma informed people will refer them out (like yourself) but not everyone does. That’s the danger of it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 06:56 PM
2

Yep these are good points too. I emphasised time because my parents shunted me into a career path I didn’t like and it took me about ten years to find something I did 😊 but I agree, if you do know what you want to do then strategically mapping it out is helpful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 02:32 PM
73

AND I nearly forgot, but when the pandemic first hit I hired a “sales coach” who shrugged off the fact I was pursuing an adhd diagnosis and had some stuff to work through in favour of telling me it was all in my head and I just needed to work harder. She cost thousands. There is a level of rage I feel on this topic that I can’t quite convey, and it’s actively harmful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 06:22 AM
16

Ugh, yes. Especially true of life and business coaches - I’ve been self employed online long enough to remember when they were actually good, but for a looooong time now there’s been a glut of people quitting their jobs and immediately becoming business coaches. Or fitness coaches. Or life coaches. Etc. They’re unqualified and actually harmful. Further! Two trends I’ve noticed that suck especially badly. “Trauma informed” means nothing, may even mean they’ve experienced trauma and are therefore …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 06:21 AM
14

I hear you. It’s blood boilingly awful, and I’m sorry it happened to you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 06:35 PM
1

Right? For me this happened right as I was getting into the workforce, so all my beginning years got messed with and I’m very much playing catch-up 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️ that probably annoys me more than the actual monetary amount.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 06:24 PM
24

He.. hehe… I hate thinking about this. So in direct “loans” to my nvx it’s about £12k, plus another £3k for him pushing me into my overdraft and credit cards. If we want to calculate for opportunity cost, how much extra I’ve had to spend on interest rates etc by him tanking my credit score, flights, and money I spend to try and keep myself sane for the duration, we’re looking at a further £10k easy. And THEN let’s not even talk about the jobs he had me quit… Edit (forgot to finish thought) - bas…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 05:17 PM
69

Taken more time, with everything. Relationships? Time to grow. Friendships? Time. College? Time choosing what to do. Work? Time spent figuring out a career and then putting in the hours to get good at it. Also, I’d have gone to make sure (If I had any lingering doubts) my brain operates in a functional manner. But that’s my undiagnosed until 30 adhd talking 😂 Mainly I’d be in less of a rush to be serious and make long term decisions. It could have been a fun time but I got too settled on somethi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 01:40 PM
2

I really like Latchkey Movies actually, it’s a bit smaller but they talk about kids movies and how well they aged, what’s problematic, etc. I don’t always entirely agree but it’s a good time
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 12:12 PM
2

Oft, that’s really rough isn’t it? With me it was/is hives and migraines. But also fatigue and general fog, I just never noticed those until after I cut the poison. Good luck! I hope you figure it out soon, and whether it’s an allergy or something else
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 11:18 AM
1

I do like Greek food but I’ve not experimented much with cooking it yet, good idea! Honestly the worst part is the foods I can’t have are things I grew up eating all the time, loved, got good at, etc 🙄 it’s like reinventing your entire menu from the ground up. Once in place it’s not hard though
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 10:10 AM
1

Yea it was just all around gross stuff 🤢 incompetent and wanted praised for every little thing. Yuck.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 10:08 AM
1

Also, I freaking love sushi ❤️ it has so few things I’m allergic to in it and it’s superb. Low key salty that I finally perfected my bolognaise only to discover that I’m allergic, ngl. But I do eat quite well as a rule, lots of eggs, meat, fish, vegetables that aren’t nightshades, and home baking 😊 it’s doable, for sure, just a heck of an adjustment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 09:51 AM
2

Okay, yes there are dishes, but a lot of the time unless you’re willing to cook from scratch it’s an additive. Potato starch gets used for lots of things, dextrose is also usually potato and because they mix that with salt to make table salt anything that doesn’t specify “sea” or “rock” salt is suspect. Plus in my case it’s all nightshades though that took longer to work out, so also no tomato, no peppers, no paprika, no cayenne spice, etc etc etc. It’s a pain because it’s not well recognised. W…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 09:48 AM
30

Oh it certainly has its uses 😅 but rage feels better than fawn. Not always conducive to survival though
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 09:45 AM
19

“You never forget your first.” Why yes, trauma does rather burn itself into your memory, huh?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 08:53 AM
61

I got fawn. 🤦🏻‍♀️ though lately it gets replaced by rage as soon as I notice, so getting there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 08:44 AM
26

Ugh, men are often just... really low effort. When I was discovering that the mystery allergy I have was potato (and all nightshades, but I found that out first) the guy I was with basically stopped cooking for me because he didn’t know how to make anything remotely passable that didn’t have potato as a main feature. Now, I know nightshade allergies are a goddamn pain, but he really just threw in the towel like whatever. And kept eating potato. Point of fact I started refusing to kiss him after …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/21 07:34 PM
13

Well this sucks, I’m sorry OP. Even having to worry about it is a lot. Ugh. How’s the rest of your family system? Would they be supportive or kind of a nightmare about it?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/06/21 05:52 AM
31

I’ll keep you in my thoughts too, that’s a lot to go through ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/06/21 05:46 AM
6

Finding covens is a Task, right?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/06/21 05:42 AM
24

Can’t say I blame you Lilith ❤️ enjoy the relative peace!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/06/21 05:09 PM
15

Effin Nate. I always hated that part.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/06/21 04:02 PM
37

My last relationship was like that 🙄 he seemed great right up until he proved consent was a foreign concept and he didn’t care what I said. Guy was on onlyfans by the evening after I broke up with him and told me. Creep.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/06/21 09:11 AM
25

Yes. Next question?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 11:31 PM
36

Poor dear, the abuse really can sneak up on you. I honestly just read this and feel sick to my stomach. It wasn’t a labiaplasty in my case, but my abusive ex talked me into something he wanted that I very much didn’t, more than once, and my final straw thing? I sounded a lot like this person when I was first processing it. Making all kinds of excuses, thinking that surely he didn’t mean that level of harm. I found out about narcissists just after and it all fell into place. Hope she gets out. Pr…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/06/21 09:07 PM
32

What strikes me about this is the type of strength too. It’s functional muscle, flexibility, and controlled movements... all of which I’ll freely admit are weaknesses of mine. Contrast that with some of the offerings these days
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 10:03 PM
50

Oh freaking hell. Just reading that is making me distinctly stabby. Like, what, did he think it wouldn’t hurt? That she wouldn’t notice? Or is he so depraved that the side order of pain was a bonus? Just. Ef.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 01:30 PM
2

My theory is I’ve always had it, but pregnancy brought it to the fore. A couple of my relatives have a more mild form Sorry you’ve got it too! It’s a pain, huh?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/06/21 05:46 AM
7

Also adhd, and yea. Social situations can be really difficult, especially if you get stuck in the “wait do they even like me” cycle. I’ve noticed it takes me about 3-5 years of friendship to consistently believe that they also think we’re good friends, unless they’re also neurodivergent because then we tend to vocalise our shared friendship feelings more. Really, it’s a trip. Medication makes it easier for me overall (extrovert so when you remove the overwhelm I’m all YAY PEOPLE) but it’s a proc…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/21 06:27 PM
3

It really is way more of a problem than people account for even now. Also a single mother from the start and while I LOVE my child beyond measure, all the stuff around being a mother sucks. Relationships, work, business (where you’d think it’d be better but isn’t), childcare, clubs, other parents (especially when they casually suggest your husband do something 🤦🏻‍♀️), etc etc. Not a fan. Low marks, society.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/21 05:25 PM
22

The entire nightshade family. Started with potato (which was painful in itself and is in Everything) but when I eliminated that it was obviously also peppers, and tomatoes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/21 04:15 PM
70

I was about to come say this. Pregnancy triggered my nightshade allergy and life hasn’t been the same since
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/06/21 08:15 AM
16

Yea, this is me too at the moment. Over a guy I’ve known and been friends with for ten years now that always seems so close, so promising, and then.... nothing ever changes. Usually he picks something else. Generally a career move, but you know. Something. And what happens is each time I’ll tell myself I’m not waiting, I’ll count him out, I’ll go carry on living life as I do. Sooner or later something happens and I would swear, swear, he feels the same way about me. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’ve stopped trying to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/21 07:02 AM
17

When I say fandom Jesus, I basically mean the Jesus of popular culture in America. The one that people like to trot out to support their beliefs whether it lines up with what he actually said or not. I have seen it on either side of the aisle. However yes! The temple table flipping is actually wonderful, also he went and braided a whip before that which just makes it better in my opinion. Not only was it righteous anger but it was premeditated.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/21 01:00 PM
16

I also just read through your post again, and a lot of the things you hate (rightly so) are the things that get misinterpreted the most. For example, the blaming women for rape thing. Not strictly how that plays out in scripture - it was understood that if she called out at all then the man doing it or ANYONE WHO HEARD and did nothing are the ones at fault. Further to that, if its noticed even if she hasn't called out, again its on the observer. So already that's not quite as its reported, but w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/21 11:08 AM
71

And, further commentary. Jesus valued women highly, so much so that he frequently got into disagreements with his disciples. The ones whose books survived were men. It's an important distinction.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/21 11:00 AM
43

So, Christian here. I take the view, having read the bible and a whole lot of the related context surrounding culture at the time and translations, that the church in its current state is exactly what Jesus said not to do. Further, old testament God needs a bit of interpreting to fully appreciate and lots of the nuance is lost in church teachings. Further to the further, Canon Jesus is way better than Fandom Jesus (the way he's currently represented). When you get right down to it my faith has e…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/21 10:59 AM
3

I'm in the UK too, so. Can absolutely relate and just wanna say hey, it's not only you. Let's see... I was dating, just, for the first lockdown and we got stuck in self isolation together. That was actually okay. He turned out to be LVM a couple months after that though and I left him in October 🤷‍♀️ found FDS right after. My love life is nil just now, but my kid and I are keeping ourselves entertained and monopoly has become a staple lol.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/21 12:10 PM
5

Oh my settling days are long over. Still working on my speed-to-swat but getting there 😉
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/21 03:18 PM
7

Thanks! ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/21 03:09 PM
6

Thank you, I actually did need to hear that. Cause every other day I'm hearing from LVM various that I made my bed and should sleep in it. 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/21 02:52 PM
17

This is what I run up into when I go look 🤷‍♀️ single Mum, apparently I'm without worth to these men. Suits me, I wouldn't want them either. What an ugly worldview.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/01/21 12:55 PM
10

I'd been with him nearly 8 months at that point! Just before FDS. I'd been having niggling thoughts for a couple months and had come to realize I was also way smarter than he was. So he was on borrowed time anyway, but THAT. Oft. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong btw.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/21 05:30 PM
18

He ignored me when I said I wouldn't hug him due to covid. My son and I were self isolating, but my now ex had one of my baking dishes that I needed for what I was cooking. So he was going to drop it over for me, and that was cool. What wasn't cool was the way he lingered at the door and said he needed the bathroom after I told him he couldn't come in. I let him, which with hindsight I wasn't pleased about and shouldn't have. Anyway. After that, he hung about and didn't take my hints to leave. S…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/01/21 05:18 PM
8

Education is helpful 😁 I have a bachelors at the moment then went into business. Funny thing is, I found my doctoral thesis along the way. Writing it up into some books and papers at the moment then will likely go the "body of work" route with my doctorate. (Failing that, I may go back and do it anyway)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/01/21 06:29 AM
1

I AM raising a son. And no, I'm not scared to. I have been deliberate about the how since he was born, though. He doesn't have negative or toxic men in his life (and they get removed quickly if they do sneak by me with actual reasons why, age appropriate). His father has never been in the picture. Sure, I'm mindful about actually raising him vs letting society do that for me, but he's a very good kid and I'm not worried he'll magically become an asshole later.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/01/21 01:49 PM
8

Last person I dated said he didn't really get business then tried to explain what he thought supply and demand was. I've been a business person for 12 years.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/21 06:51 PM
16

Same here, I like a lot of anime. Usually not the same ones men love 🙄 and I haven't found a decent guy that also likes it. So I frankly stopped mentioning it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/21 06:31 PM
8

100 times this. I basically pushed my ex to sign up for therapy, which he does need, but it's not some magical cure all.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/21 09:04 AM
12

Wellp. I straight up see a lot of my abusive ex in this. She needs to run, not walk, to the damn exit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/21 09:29 PM
3

Omg! 🤣🤣🤣
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/01/21 10:33 PM
14

Having been loved by some entirely unsuitable people in my life, I'm going to politely say no and cackle. Too much wild in me to sit still long enough to "grow to love" someone. 😉
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/01/21 09:31 PM
2

It's such a sticky one isn't it? But you can leave that at the wayside. =) doesn't serve you in the least to take responsibility for things done to you or outside of your control.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/01/21 09:28 PM
2

Oft, that one hit home. Fantastic! Mine is to accept solitude rather than hang out with people just to avoid being alone. My friend group got pruned hard last year (on purpose and very needed) but lately I've been feeling the "MUST FIND MOAR FRIENDS" urge. Which is exhausting when the people you know don't fit, really. So this resolution is my reminder to vet here too and breathe into the process.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/01/21 11:48 AM
8

You know... Yes I can relate to this, of course I can, I've had some really bad experiences in my history. Where I am now is "I'm not responsible for the abuse or lack of care by other people" - which helps. Especially with the worst cases. There's exactly one situation where that didn't help, and you know what did? Realizing that if I succeeded in "making it happen" I'd never know if he wanted to be there. I'd never feel secure. There would always be an edge to that relationship. If he wanted t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/01/21 11:43 AM
7

Thank you for sharing, truly. I had some experience in sw myself (though less extensive) and can countersign those tips (not that you need it!). I can remember once this guy wanted to "do the deed" at his front door so he could watch for his wife coming home. That radically changed how I view men and marriage, the vetting is so important and you can't really stop. By all other accounts he was "happy" he just had a fetish or two. 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/01/21 11:35 AM
26

Oh! Yes I've noticed this! It comes up with adhd topics too, dating (obviously), certain academic fields, and the minute you try to do anything more advanced with money.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/12/20 06:42 AM
5

Thank you ❤️ and honestly, this is so far in my past now that I barely think about it. That's what I wanted to say, really, that no matter how bad it can be there can be a time when it's just another fact. Huge hugs for you, trauma is horrible to go through and the aftermath is significant. It gets better. You're really truly not alone. I do mean it though, reach out if you need a word.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/12/20 06:30 AM
37

Oh okay, I have been there. So let me tell you a story. Once upon a time, oh a good 12-13 years ago now, I was still with my first boyfriend and he was an abusive ass. I didn't know it then, but I'd stay with that guy 9 years and regret it all. But at that time I'd just been caught having an emotional affair with a very good friend (who, point of fact, was not abusive). My then boyfriend and I were long distance, he'd showed up last minute in my country, and caught my fear of him looking at my p…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 11:37 PM
14

I mean. If you're going to marry pond scum, sure. Why not become a "hot wife" while you're at it. /s
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 06:11 PM
78

Jeez that's weird. After reading your comment all I can see in my minds eye is a dude proudly saying "Hey honey, I was faithful this month!" and getting a sticker for his sticker chart. Jfc.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 06:08 PM
20

^ All of that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 05:21 PM
74

Boils my blood. Its been a very long time now (like, 10 years) but I was an "escort" for 14 months. You bet your ass I counted. Know why? My abusive ex had me so twisted around that when he needed money for stupidity I sent it to him, and when I needed money I was on my own. My family, who I lived with at the time, weren't actually any better (though less overt about it, hello narc hell) and because I was a student I should have had money. Ergo I couldn't really say I was broke, I paid them rent…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 05:21 PM
19

I'm not sexist... But
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 05:03 PM
27

I heard a cracker the other week. "I'm not mgtow by any means" followed by a but. 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/12/20 01:42 PM
8

The double standard really is sickening. Every now and then they'd get us both a copy of something to be "fair", but only ever if he wanted it first. Sorry you went through this too!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/12/20 12:30 PM
3

cough Hospital birth here for my only kid. I was induced, on my back (for monitors), given an increasing dose of pitocin since it wasn't moving quickly enough, and I had an episiotomy. Would not recommend. My son arrived fine and healthy, despite having had the umbilical cord wrapped round his neck, and I initially recovered quickly. But the leaking and pelvic floor stuff? Let's just say that when I have a cold I need to go to the bathroom far more now to avoid unpleasantness and that is with me…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/12/20 08:31 AM
3

I was about to come and comment that my covert narc Mum WAS in the room with me and it really didn't help. She had a couple of the staff members thinking I was a raging bitch, for one. For another she mainly sat and knit rather than being at all useful. I'd rather give birth alone next time than bring her.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/12/20 08:26 AM
5

There was this guy I fell really hard for, once upon a time. Intense chemistry, being around him was straight up the easiest thing, he was caring, intelligent, and the sense of humour was actually top notch. He also had this smile that I still remember fondly. I'd have sworn blind he was it. You know? Just to set the scene. But here's the problem I ignored for all his other "high value" traits (and this was very pre FDS though I still have feelings I'm working through 🙄) - he didn't put in as mu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/12/20 08:15 AM
14

Right?! Let's see, another thing they did was save up and present me with my own computer (which was arguably sweet), make a big deal about it, have me learn how to use antivirus etc. My brother not only was encouraged to use mine from a young age (I put a password on, they did not care for that) but he was just given a laptop at a far younger age than I was. Plus! They only ever took me on local holidays (in the main because they were poorer when I was young) but when they earned more and start…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/12/20 08:03 AM
29

Same. My brother is 8 years younger than me, and my already "wonderful" parents parentified me when he came along. I still remember asking for a gameboy, for years, so I could play Pokemon. We both got Gameboy Advance SPs when my brother was old enough to play. And when the screen on his smashed on a road trip? They made me give him mine to play with. Just as one example. Continued to this day, he's become really entitled and also completely babied. He got diagnosed with Aspergers too which I im…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/12/20 07:52 AM
26

Been on the other side of this equation. My NVX of many years ago now looked at my Mum and decided I was going to age really well and if she was my age he'd bang her. 🙄 Glad that relationship is long over! But this is gross. Men are gross. Good for her
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/12/20 05:53 PM
17

That's the goal! He's doing great so far =)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/12/20 11:36 AM
63

I've been watching this trend too and it's horrible... So as a single mother to one five year old son, I made sure I involved him in choosing all the presents for family. He also made the main choice (with some minor guidance) for my present - it wasn't what I would have chosen myself, it's far better. (Junior Risk. We can play one of my favourite board games together and HAVE about 4 times since yesterday. ❤️) He's been talking about making me cookies for my birthday since. So you know. They ab…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/12/20 08:53 AM
10

Up until the last few years I've always been "athletic", but a combination of stopping breastfeeding after a few years (no typo), stress, and an unidentified food allergy (now discovered as potato) had me gain about 90lbs. Now, I'm doing well working on it, but here's why it's relevant. I'd lost about 15-20lbs when I started dating my most recent ex. Who admitted he liked larger women. It seemed fine to start with, but niggled at me a bit and pre FDS. By 4 months into the relationship I'd gained…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/12/20 05:07 AM
3

You're not alone, and it's not something I talk about much either. There was this guy I loved, when I fell we were dating but it didn't ever become official, though yea we fooled around a bit. He fell off the face of the earth, and I was busy so okay, happens. He dated other people, I dated other people, we were still really attracted to each other but it didn't tend to overlap. Flirting, yes. He'd tell me things weren't going well with her when it was rocky, I'd tell him when things weren't wor…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/12/20 07:56 PM
4

As the others have said, get out now. It only gets worse from here, and not even slowly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/12/20 05:41 PM
11

Before I had my kid I was a 32E (at least, that's what I wore, cause 30G was nigh impossible to find. This, I freely admit, didn't go well). These days I measure 38G which is waaaay bigger in physical size. Mentioned to my ex a few months ago that I'll likely get a reduction in the next year or two. He tried to talk me out of it / mourn the boobs. He's an ex. This was absolutely one of the reasons why. Back pain runs in the family for our women, neck pain too, and I do get migraines from time to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/12/20 05:38 PM
4

Frankly, I have been known to just cut out entire women for believing sex work is okay. Don't feel like going into details but a long time ago now I was pushed into it by my worst ex. There's a point in it where it feels "empowering" for about five seconds and that ONLY works if the person you're with doesn't otherwise want you. Because they start paying attention again 🙄🤢 The men are blatant and bullshit. Every last one of them. It's worse than many assume even when they're "GoOd PeOpLe"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/20 08:05 AM
13

Was just about to come say something like this! FDS gamer friends would be the BEST.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/20 07:35 AM
1

It's worth checking out if you're at all wondering! I had no idea until I was looking it up for my kid. Then I read the lists for how it presented in women and it was seriously like looking in a mirror. Ways to work with it though 😊
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/12/20 06:19 PM
12

All of that ^ I want to add. If you're at all wondering about your mental health or whether you have brain things, go and find out as early as you can. And check out what the symptoms actually are, because they often present differently in women. This year I found out I have ADHD. I'm 30 now. Here's what happened in my twenties; Job hopped way more than is wise Left employment earlier than planned because it "made sense" and "I'd do the exact same thing in 7 months so why wait" Moved country, tw…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/12/20 07:34 AM
16

The points have been made already, but adding my voice to the "Hey hang on now" We're not all super young on reddit. It's actually encouraging that we have a range of ages over there, because imagine how creepy it would be if there were only young people and those of us much older were still all heart eyes 🙄 (I'm 30, and the guy on the right looks really young to me) Personality matters too. A bunch of the older ones are people we've seen in movies etc since they were a lot younger, and we've ha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/12/20 07:27 AM
13

I wondered about this. The physical therapy after birth I knew was a thing, but it's nigh impossible to access here (UK, and I tried). I was induced, had an episiotomy, and sure I was "recovered" fast but 5 years later coughing is still a danger if I need the bathroom. And I did the damn exercises, this is it Improved. Been raging quietly about a chunk of this for a very long time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/12/20 09:11 PM
8

Yep, being single is a far better choice than being tethered to the wrong person. And what happens when you fall pregnant is very much a choice... Obviously 8 months in for you is a different situation (also, ow. Sorry he sucked) but I was in the process of leaving my ex, unmarried, and fell pregnant unexpectedly. I suspect actually that he was trying to take me down a peg 🙄 but neither here nor there. I kept my son because I didn't have the heart to abort, and it's not been a decision I regret.…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/12/20 10:26 AM
5

I mean. This has all been pretty well covered, so I just want to add. Do not have children with this guy. Not my son's biological father (that's a whole nother kettle of fish) but the last ex before FDS who got close to my kid and I... Lacked ambition. Free thought. A desire to move past his own childhood. Issues from said childhood he had to be pushed to try therapy for (despite his work telling him more than a year prior to get help). I left because he pushed my consent button. He then set abo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/12/20 10:11 AM
5

Mhm, and it's funny because if they were capable of really reading what he's saying? He can't stand men like that. But nah, they'd rather be the lowest effort, lowest common denominator, "fans" of the bits that "feel right".
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/20 07:36 PM
6

I've noticed that too, sometimes the people that like him have many admirable traits. But the people that misunderstand him and like him are awful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/20 06:25 PM
4

Ugh, similar boat. It's so annoying and they really don't seem to "get" Why you'd not want them any more. 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/20 05:33 PM
12

I have, and I read one of his books (because I make a point of reading people I don't think I'll agree with). A lot of what he says is decent, there's some problematic parts and a couple of things I definitely think he got wrong, but by and large I reckon he's doing his best. With that said. Anyone that's a FAN of him and also happens to be a dude... Is suspect. Simply because people can listen to him, get the wrong idea about what he's saying, and slavishly follow that as the be all and end all…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/12/20 05:31 PM
3

Thank you, I've had some time to think about it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/20 08:32 PM
5

Maybe! I've noticed that's something a few of us with that ahem "sort" of background would say 😅
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/20 08:25 PM
4

Shit, sorry. That is awful
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/20 07:06 PM
5

Ho boy. Okay, to set the scene, we met when I was 15 and he was 17. He was my first love, long distance, came over for my 16th birthday and with the wisdom of hindsight I can see I was absolutely love bombed for the first 3-5 months. I was smitten and he'd asked me to marry him. Online, then on the phone, then finally in person, complete with ring. Before I met him I was extremely lonely and realizing that my parents didn't give a damn. They'd started home educating me, I wasn't allowed out real…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/20 07:05 PM
16

Vast majority here too, and in some cases it went beyond "coercive" 😒 There's been a couple of men for whom that wasn't true though. So that reminds me it doesn't have to be that way, and these days they get dropped at the first offense.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/20 07:24 AM
8

Aw, no its not a reflection on you. He manipulated you and, not to put too fine a point on it, abused you too. You didn't know about this other girlfriend, there's several things you couldn't then fully consent to. I'm sorry it's hurting, and damn does it suck, but don't you for one second feel ashamed. He fucked up and used you. Not the other way around.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/20 07:17 AM
11

Fellow single Mum - we don't want those guys anyway. Seriously. Nothing there to handle, and if they were of any value whatsoever they couldn't hold those views. AND we already have to be damn careful with the men that don't mind our status 🙄 Family isn't much fun to deal with for this. Our situations are similar from what you've said, and for my part it eventually reached a point where they crossed a Hard boundary and I cut them out. It's been peaceful and I've felt far more settled / content /…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/12/20 04:40 PM
4

Mine most definitely was not. Neither of my parents were HV, and I don't talk to them any more (as of a year and a bit ago when the boundary fairy finally visited).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/20 07:56 AM
13

Same here 🤷‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/20 07:53 AM
3

Haha, I do not recommend the non sleep that's for sure. The crazy thing is while I was in it, I got to the point of feeling "rested" - until I actually got real sleep again. Then I crashed. Definitely not a decision to take lightly, and if you have the option, choose accordingly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/20 05:17 PM
2

You too, hope you're headed towards far better!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/20 03:50 PM
2

I hear you. For a long time I accepted the narrative that these were my choices, and to a point that's true. But the odds were Heavily stacked against me, and from the sounds of things you too. We can only make the best choices we can from what's available to us. And it can take a not insignificant amount of time to arrive at a place where the choices we have available/that we can even see are good for us. I'm sorry you've been through it too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/20 11:22 AM
6

Speaking as a single mother (the entire time) - children are great. They are. But you'll be more tired than you can accurately convey for longer than is reasonable (I didn't sleep more than 2 hours at one stretch until he was 14 months). At times you will want to throw the whole child out the window. At those times you really truly want to have wanted children with all your heart. They're wonderful, charming, and watching them develop into people is an honour. I wouldn't trade him away or any of…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/12/20 07:22 AM
1

Makes sense to me. I actually cut off contact with both my parents about a year ago, and I definitely have some things that are tied into my relationship with them. It's part of why I'm not really dating at the moment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 09:47 PM
3

I have a theory there, that it's because it can take soong to process and unpack what happened in your early years. You can be fully into the world of dating, for example, before any of it rears it's head. And thank you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 08:07 PM
14

Oh god, this reminds me of this exchange: "Say my name" "Make me" minutes pass "... Am I not making you?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 07:24 PM
4

I guess we could look at it that way. I also had abuse in my background, so I was kind of set up. Each guy has been progressively better and each relationship shorter, and I consider that a win.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 06:50 PM
2

To be a little fair, I was barely 16 the first time. And there was a ring first time round 🤷‍♀️ but yes. Bad ideas all round.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 05:15 PM
14

Ugh. So my first boyfriend, I was engaged to quickly and wound up breaking it off because he was a cheating asshole. Unfortunately I was also a complete pickme at the time and got back together with him. Please don't ask me how many times I've been engaged 🤦‍♀️ it's embarrassing. Frankly. When I left him at last we'd been together 9 years, engaged minus a ring that time around, and I fell pregnant right around the time I wanted to leave. 🙄 I have horror stories. But can absolutely confirm, being…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 04:50 PM
7

Yep! Same sort of thing happened to me. I was so used to men not wanting to be consistently around, that at first when I met one that was Present it felt like a welcome change. About a month later I mentioned that every moment of every day being in contact was too much. Couple more months and I was feeling that restless "I could just get in the car and drive away" feeling a ton. Didn't listen to it though, I believe I wrongly attributed it to covid. When I did leave him, for something else, the …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/11/20 07:38 AM
7

One, he sucks. Two, I wish everyone was so willing to inform on their behaviour. Completely off topic, did the light help? I also have adhd (Well, a whisper from official diagnosis, just waiting on confirmation) and potential seasonal affective disorder though not severe. So I've been thinking about picking a lamp up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/11/20 07:34 AM
9

One time, I got pressured into doing my then boyfriend's hair in quarantine. He then made a comment that he didn't need a barber any more and I told him he was making assumptions and I wouldn't do his hair again. I believe I also had the emotional labour rant. Shockingly, I didn't leave at that point (pre FDS) but it shows you. Give them an inch and they'll give you a Job. 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/11/20 07:07 AM
5

See, I'm only 30 and I can tell you that in my teens and early 20s this was far less of a problem than it is now. My ex was a couple years younger and it's like a different world. 🤷‍♀️ Pre FDS though, I'd have dropped him much sooner these days.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/20 12:06 PM
3

Yup! He was also like that with cooking anything beyond oven food. Very glad to have left that one.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/20 11:40 AM
11

I did read that one! I figure that he lied about ever liking it tbh. He tried on two occasions before I put a stop to that (and halted blowjobs at the same time 🤣) and fortunately I've enough experience to look at him like HE has two heads. Still though, what a dick move.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/20 11:18 AM
7

Yea that hasn't been my experience. A lot of them do go down, but I think I've only ever been with a couple that Like it. 🤷‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/20 10:48 AM
11

Oh and to add, he had the audacity to say it was the smell. (and no, I was in good health and didn't smell anything other than my normal scent)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/20 07:22 AM
20

My last ex was so far gone that even though "he usually likes going down on people" he gagged with me. Immediately after I'd showered. His limited experience prior had all involved women using the vaginal washes 🙄 These days that'd be grounds for leaving, cause now I know better. 🤦‍♀️ Thank goodness he didn't waste years of my life though!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/20 07:21 AM
60

God damn. That's low, for sure, though it seems like her self esteem wasn't in great shape before it started. Poor dear
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/20 06:03 AM
4

THAT'S how it went. I couldn't for the life of me remember exactly 😂 thank you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/20 05:56 AM
29

I mean. They lie about 6 inches in another notable area too 😂 maybe they just hope we're all bad at measurements
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/20 12:04 AM
9

I can relate, but I don't often talk about it. My first boyfriend was a narc, I had 9 years with him and that was very codependent. It's been some time since then, and I'm largely out of the habits now. It hung on longest in my friendships. The hard thing, I think, is not being clear at first on what healthy looked like.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/20 11:56 PM
33

Disgusted but not shocked. Ugh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/20 01:13 PM
3

And there it is. They'll (LVM) consistently go for the least amount of effort they can get away with.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/20 01:03 PM
2

This tracks. It's like it takes your assumed minimum standard of behaviour and lowers it, so they can still say to themselves "At least I'm not as bad as x guy" 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/20 12:38 PM
6

This. Exactly this is what I needed to hear, thank you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/20 06:23 AM
2

Could even be particular to the UK for all I know lol 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 06:37 PM
34

This reminds me of my own research foray into MGTOW, but I did it in Google so you saw borderline reasonable stuff at first.... And then it hits you with their views on single mothers. The words I read cannot be unread. The whole thing is so much trash.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 06:36 PM
3

Haha okay, you know that feeling that things aren't going quite as well as they seem / something is wrong, but you can't quite put your finger on it? That's a niggle. I had a few of those. I suppose other people may just call them Amber flags 😅
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 06:33 PM
1

Oh good grief, really? 😶 I hadn't twigged to the similarities there yet, probably because the gross of it hit first. Wtf.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 06:32 PM
3

Definitely ❤️ before FDS I didn't realise how widespread it was, but yikes. And thank you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 05:00 PM
2

Probably 😂 he says there were a "few" so. 🙄 Gross. For all that I sometimes wish he had more men in his life, there are standards here. So! I'm glad it's over with tbh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 04:52 PM
2

Threw everyone for a loop! But thank you
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 04:44 PM
4

Yup that was the phrasing 🤮 which somehow makes it worse. Thank you! I did need to pause and think about it, but it wasn't at all sitting right with me and I went with my gut. My son doesn't need that extra confusion!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 04:39 PM
2

Oh, never again. I was naive about it at that time, then as I mentioned we had to lock down together and things got out of hand there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 04:37 PM
31

^ Cannot agree enough with this, especially LDR and "covert narcissism"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 02:34 PM
81

Don't ever let anyone convince you that you're difficult, picky, needy, hard to please, selfish, or arrogant. Or anything else for that matter. Plus! If you're talking to someone you like, and enjoying talking, but you feel anxious after and dissect what was said? He's a bad idea. Took me way too long to figure THAT out. And the whole marriage, kids, "starting life" thing? Will happen when it happens, and it's way better when you're ready than sprung on you. Declining also absolutely fine.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 02:33 PM
8

Yea no kidding. Because they don't just go themselves, typically, they make a hellish mess on the way out. Glad you dodged that one
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 02:16 PM
2

It honestly kills me a little that it got as far as it did. My kid was calling him Dad! 🤦‍♀️ Well shot of him now, and he's not missed by the small one really. But God damn.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 02:15 PM
9

So gross. Smh. I'm glad I stumbled across it too! Found one of the threads in a Google search and joined Reddit for it 😅
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 01:00 PM
12

My first ex used to threaten that as a method of control, so I'm pretty leery about it myself. But damn though, actually went on to do it? I'm sorry.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 12:59 PM
5

Oft, I'm sorry. That sounds stressful! Damn though, even the normal ones go psycho later 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 11:02 AM
27

Very much is! With a side serving of "oh woe, pity me" I felt physically sick when he told me about that 🤮
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 09:44 AM
5

Oh man, I'm sorry you went through that! Not overreacting at all, as the others have said. I always feel like it's especially horrible when they know to some extent about your past. Because then part of the thought whirl is "How could you not know this would hurt, or don't you care" - and you gave him a warning the first time. Which was beyond fair, and arguably more than he deserved. You're better without him, and sending virtual hugs if you'd like them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 09:42 AM
59

Same girl. Same.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/20 06:52 PM
4

🤦‍♀️ This was my in my younger years. Outgrew it some time ago, but damn if they don't bleed you dry or specifically try to break you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/11/20 08:29 PM
3

Hell, I would do this. I already have a son, no other parent in the picture, but if a close friend wanted to come coparent? Sweet. Awesome. Absolutely fantastic. I also keep thinking about adopting or becoming a Foster carer when we get an extra bedroom.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/11/20 08:21 PM
3

The problem with Christianity (and I'm assuming most organised religion) is that the majority of people practicing it don't study it in any depth. They'll maybe go to church and get the highlights, know the popular stories, and have some sort of mildly misguided interpretation of a whole swathe of things. Church culture is pretty divorced from the actual words in the Bible, and even more divorced from what those words meant in context. I'm Christian because I did the damn reading. Canon Jesus is…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/20 06:37 PM
3

Haha I had this same response to the graphic. JP makes the occasional good point, but he's lauded as the new "Dad to the masses" for a whole bunch of men. I think so long as they're capable of forming their own thoughts and opinions, having read his work isn't a huge problem. He has his problematic views 🤷‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/20 06:15 PM
3

Single Mum to one son, and honestly this was really touching ♥️ thank you for sharing!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/20 05:32 PM
1

Oft, I feel bad for your friend. It IS hard to break out of though, especially when they're saying what you want to hear. And it's no picnic for you either watching it! A couple of well placed "You deserve someone that chooses you" may be helpful, otherwise it'll just have to play out. I'll keep various appendages crossed that she figures it out soon.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 04:51 PM
14

Single Mom, can verify. Its ridiculous.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 09:32 AM
6

^ This. We can and do grow and change, and the validation is... A big deal when there hasn't ever been any. Good for you growing past it ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 09:24 AM
2

Way back in my pre FDS days I was nearly that other girl 🤦‍♀️ There was this one guy, we'd dated briefly before and circumstances had led to it not going particularly far. He had a habit of disappearing and reappearing after a couple months, but past me was hooked on him (in large part because he behaved decently towards me and I'd not long left my abusive ex). Anyway, one of the times he reappeared he was dating someone else. She was making noises about moving in, he couldn't be less interested…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/11/20 09:22 AM
6

Yep, same boat! And I didn't take it as a slight against me lol, it's a very important warning to have.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/20 09:11 AM
8

It happens sometimes, though. I was gearing up to leave my NVX (long relationship, abuse involved, and I was in a country that wasn't my own. Yup) and he got me pregnant the last time we had sex. Now, I thought about it hard and came to the conclusion that abortion didn't sit right with me. That was a decision I made, knowing perfectly well I was going to be a single mother and he was likely to bail entirely. Which he did, by the by. And that's for the best. My kid is great, I love him and while…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/11/20 08:53 AM
3

You know, there's likely something to that. Because yes, there's more of them now and plenty state their reason for being there as the pandemic, buuuut... Quality absent. Huh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 07:30 PM
13

Yes! This. Because shared interests are wonderful, but in this case they've kind of wrecked it for everybody.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 04:35 PM
9

Been there too, it's no good. I don't fully understand why it's so much more addictive for some men, but it's there for people to see.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 04:35 PM
9

Oft, yea that's no good! Outside time is kind of essential, in my opinion.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 04:32 PM
7

Yea, good point! Okay I'll adjust my profile and see what happens =) not holding my breath, but you never know and it'll be interesting seeing the differences!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 04:09 PM
2

You know, now that you've said it that makes total sense. Definitely worth noting!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 04:08 PM
7

Coming to that conclusion, yes!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 03:33 PM
6

Oh! Okay I had no idea about that other type of non bio profile, thank you!! Also good to know re Bumble, I never really did very well on there outside of the friends side but may be worth another look, if I'm gonna be anywhere.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 03:32 PM
7

That's probably more accurate than we really want to think about 😒
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 03:30 PM
9

Thanks! I may need it 🤣
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 03:16 PM
3

Yea I've now tried all of them and there isn't really a "good" one. I just thought with lockdowns happening there may be more normal people on too 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 03:11 PM
6

This would have been an idea before I started yes 🤦‍♀️ very few of them got that far, and I'll just make a throwaway from now on. Thanks!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 03:00 PM
8

I think I had a little more patience for this given my own background, but definitely revising that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 02:59 PM
11

Yep! It's... Educational how much they seem to think they can get away with and how little effort they can put in.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 02:59 PM
6

His art earns money, and he's supporting himself through a more normal job as well while he prepares to go do his teaching degree. Otherwise totally agree, I wouldn't even be considering that one!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 02:58 PM
13

Honestly? I could believe that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 10:59 AM
20

😂 YES. And a different time he was trying a space strategy game and getting really frustrated so I offered some advice, and he pulled the "Well you do it then!" bullshit. So I did. Never touched that game before, beat his tricky level first time 🤷‍♀️ So I work mainly with women and happily married men, not on purpose but it's just worked out that way. There's one HVM I know who games, but he's actively not looking for a relationship just now because he has career things on the go. I think you're…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 09:34 AM
23

Thanks 😊 but yea they're really not. Last gamer I dated had very many LVM markers (pre fds, did not in fact spot them but I left at the first red flag so I can live with it 🤣) and one of them was that he bragged about being good at games. I subsequently discovered he was playing them on easy and literally could not handle normal difficulty. Or being shown up by me. Any suggestions? It's a bit part of my life and expertise so it feels odd removing that as a source of common ground.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 09:19 AM
42

I hear that. It's a shame really because there's a lot to like about gaming itself, but it does not encourage good behaviour from men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 08:18 AM
15

It is depressing. And thank you, I hope that if you're looking for a koi that it's golden also.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 08:17 AM
14

Yep, I decided that Tinder probably had the most men in general so it seemed reasonable to assume it was where the action was. At the start of the year I used Plenty of Fish, mixed results, and Bumble.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 08:16 AM
53

Yea I'm a gamer, I did programming and animation for my degree, and my business is based around an RPG I designed for business people. I do like them, but oh my god. Yes I'm noticing that. (side note, I had to remove men as a demographic from my Facebook ads for my business for exactly this reason)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 08:15 AM
21

I hear you, my NVX probably had about £12000 from me over the course of our relationship. It's very unlikely you'll get it back. It's sickening, without a damn doubt, but the line I took with it is this: If that's what it cost for him to be out of my life, permanently, then that's what it cost. Good riddance. I dunno what the official FDS line would be for this, so looking forward to what the others have to say too, but damn. I'm sorry.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/11/20 07:56 AM
7

Congratulations! It gets better after here 😊
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/20 09:55 AM
6

You know, this is it. I left my most recent ex for a different reason (he red flagged me, then when I called it off he immediately proved me right 🙄) but my sex drive where he was concerned was dwindling already. Because I had seen he was generally incompetent, lacked ambition and drive, and wasn't at all compatible with me. Chalked it up to honeymoon phase ending and me realising he was SO damn annoying. But yes, contempt fits.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/20 01:00 PM
7

Oh thank you for this! I left my ex while about 5 months pregnant, because no way in fuck would I subject a child to his abusive ass. He's not involved and never has been, which suits me just fine. When I moved home to my own country a truly fantastic guy, who I'd been friends with some years at this point, expressed interest and I was actually oblivious / "surely he didn't mean x" for a week or so until he got it through my skull that I wasn't less desirable. Mind = blown. Now it didn't work ou…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/10/20 06:09 AM
9

100% yep. So much cringe 🤦‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/10/20 05:53 AM
14

Oh god. So early twenties me (who had been dating this guy since I was 15) moved to Canada for her boyfriend. Accidentally, actually, which makes it even worse in my opinion! I was over for a ten day holiday and before I left I'd been planning on breaking up with him. In hindsight, I should have cancelled my ticket. Guy was a real piece of work and basically trapped me there 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Took 2 and a half years to get home, and I was pregnant when I did. Country was beautiful and I made friends ther…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/10/20 05:46 AM
8

You know what, it really is a lot like that. Fantastic analogy! What gets me is how much less tiring life suddenly is. Its like "Oh, oh I wasn't just permanently exhausted. You were exhaust-ING. Got it."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/20 10:13 PM
16

Yep. Agree. Every time I've dropped someone that irritated me that early in the morning (and I also include an ex friend in this) life has gotten exponentially better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/20 07:29 PM
1

Getting there! Thank you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/20 09:26 PM
15

Hey, you're out! I'm glad ❤️ ADHD here too, pretty close to being officially diagnosed. Finally. Having wondered why some things were just hard for a while (and realising when my kid showed signs). Me too
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/10/20 05:30 AM
7

Congratulations! I'll confess I'm still waiting on the final click for me. Not for my most recent ex, I left him for stomping on my boundaries last Thursday and have zero regrets there. But there's this one guy I really do need to cut off, he does hokey cokey type communication (all in, or invisible) and has for cough years. I'm just about there with the leaving, in that I know I have to. Anyway! Before I derail any further, I just wanted to say it's good to hear from someone who was so recently…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/20 07:21 PM
2

I was pretty lucky ❤️ but yea, the decisions we make always have an impact on the life we wind up leading. 🤷‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 05:49 AM
6

Oh yes. This. I've had other women complain to me quietly about feeling alone or unsupported by their husbands, while in the same breath they'd never contemplate leaving. It just seems so heartbreaking to me. And thank you ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 11:21 PM
4

Hey, I did something very similar. Just wanted to say you're fantastic
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 11:16 PM
5

So I have a son, and I've been a single parent all through. In that I left the abusive guy I'd been with 9 years when I fell pregnant - I got very lucky, in that he didn't want anything to do with either of us and I could just go back to the UK from where I was. He is the sweetest child, and I love being a Mum. You bet your ass I considered abortion. Couldn't bring myself to and I don't really regret that choice, but it did make life harder in several measurable ways. Compromises get made and yo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 11:12 PM
3

Yea, nah. Some of them maybe are, but for the most part even the "good" ones have their problems. HVM are that, wherever, but we don't get any more of them here than elsewhere.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 07:14 PM
46

It really, truly, matters. I find it so strange that we almost have to pretend it doesn't, or we're shallow and the worst. 🙄 Having sampled a wide array, I like 7-10 so long as he is actually gonna use it properly. One time, a guy with an otherwise good dick decided to use it like a jackhammer. No. That shit hurts. I do find that no matter the equipment, I really can't give a damn if he's not attractive to me mentally. Confidence based in reality also soooo good.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/20 01:00 PM
4

I mean, I'm new here and only got myself a reddit account again so I could come interact (perhaps making me a bit biased). However. What I'm finding most helpful just now are discussions on red flags / how they look in the wild. I've read the handbook but sometimes it can feel tricky to spot (new) or, on the flip side, it's really validating. This is a worldview I'm solidifying, seeing it reinforced is a wonderful thing! Also love the HVM posts, and would love seeing more about the stuff we shou…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/20 08:34 AM
1

🤦‍♀️ Yes. And it doesn't improve either. He used to play it off as "Not being good at English in school" too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/10/20 05:59 PM
2

Oh, I needed this more than I thought today. Thank you ❤️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 09:31 PM
2

That was fucking hilarious. I just left a guy who basically did this, and would compare himself to other men as a "rare breed of male". Only just found this sub (and joined reddit again because of it) or I would have left him much sooner. LVM all the way 🤦‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 09:11 PM
3

What I would say is, having finally just gotten rid of one that I'm pretty certain was a covert narc but at the very least was toxic... When the little voice in your head says get out, and you do, don't let them back. It took 3 different "No, I'm done" times with this ex friend and eventually they'd eroded my confidence, effectively killed my online business, and it was a long road back from there. They can sneak up on you 🙄 but when you notice, leave.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 02:17 PM
2

This is the one bit I struggle to hold onto sometimes. Because I did meet a really good guy who does all the right things, except he's never around. I do come to the conclusion that is enough to be a "No" from me, but it's way trickier than leaving LVM. 🤷‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 01:39 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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