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DadVader77 Archive

View 7 posts and 265 comments by DadVader77 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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4

She’s going to get half of everything no matter what, and you want to live 14 years in misery and give up even more? No, you don’t stay and suck it up. You get all your financial documents in order, including income, banking, credit, mortgage, and retirement. Document what is done for the house and the kids. Start a journal of your interactions with her. Talk to several lawyers to make sure you find one that works for you and your comfortable with. Do not, under any circumstances, offer her anyt…
/r/Divorce_Men18/07/26 02:52 PM
4

There is no “your own checking account” as long as you’re married. Your income is considered marital income, so any money from employment, pay or bonus, that gets put into that account makes that a marital asset. She’s going to get 1/2 of whatever is in that account. Your only saving grace is if you take the money from that account and use it in support of the marriage, meaning house and bills and other expenses. If you start blowing it on anything outside the marriage, such as dates or gifts or…
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/26 06:34 AM
12

Because the divorce process and system is still stuck in pre-1970s mode where alimony was required for the woman to survive. Cuz they didnt work, if they did it was for low pay, and they couldnt even get credit or buy a home without a man. If she has a job then she should be able to support herself. She wanted to be single so she can live just like every other single woman does. If funny how the same women who scream about being equal and how they dont need a man are the same ones who cry the lo…
/r/Divorce_Men01/06/26 03:30 AM
7

Generally yes lump sum to get out of alimony isn’t the best, but that was my option. She wanted to keep the house “for the kids” cuz they were still in high school. She couldn’t afford to pay my share of the house equity plus the new mortgage so using the payout formula the alimony was calculated and taken off the equity share. Yes I know it was more for her benefit than mine but then I also don’t have to pay her every month for 17 years and I’m not funding her lifestyle with her boyfriend. Plus…
/r/Divorce_Men23/05/26 08:41 PM
8

She’s basically using you as a safety net. Cut the cord and move on. Once you have, and healed, and live your own life, yes you can be friendly with each other. But there will still need to be boundaries and things that don’t need to be shared. She doesn’t get the benefit of husband/best friend anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/26 07:55 PM
1

Generally legal fees for the divorce are not considered marital debt. They are considered individual expenses. But agreements and who is the higher earner does factor in so yeah I see what you mean now. Like if you have $10k in legal fees and you’re ex-spouse is supposed to get $40k in marital assets that $10k “debt” could be split and the ex-spouse only gets $35k
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 05:41 PM
1

Is that state dependent? Cuz in no way did legal fees come out of or were any part of our marital assets
/r/Divorce_Men16/05/26 02:52 PM
2

How long are these meetings? How much are they charging per billable hour? Why are you paying her lawyer bill? Every phone call, email, text, is billable time. Including between your lawyer and hers. Stop as much conversation with them as you can. Depending on your state your debt is marital debt so that also gets split between you, unless you make other considerations. Like you keep that debt but also get other equity in return, such as not giving up your 401k or a higher split of the house.
/r/Divorce_Men15/05/26 07:04 AM
2

“Her father suggested that she take the children to his house. I told her she had my permission to do so in order to prevent the situation from escalating further.” Yeah, that’s a hard no. You literally gave her a free pass to do what she wants regardless of anyone else.
/r/Divorce_Men09/05/26 05:29 AM
4

Living your own life while learning what it is that makes you the person you want to be
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/26 04:04 AM
2

Yeah. But if OP’s already giving in this much it’s going to by a long painful ride. It’s obvious she’s already divorced him mentally/emotionally and is more worried about getting as much money as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 01:11 PM
2

Maybe when you finally get divorced you can see if she’ll give you your balls back
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/26 07:20 AM
3

Why are you giving up the house? Why don’t you buy her out? Assuming you have 50/50 custody your kid still gets to stay in the same house. I’ll assume she wants to buy you out because she knows that in the current market she won’t be able to afford another house at the same price she has to pay now. If she can come up with money to buy you out she can come up with money to buy another house
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 06:06 PM
4

I get it. I fell for that trap too. She’s looking out for herself first, always keep that in mind.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 06:00 PM
1

Realtors numbers are generally higher than an appraisal.
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 04:00 PM
5

Get out of that “willing to cut her a deal” mentality. She wouldn’t do the same for you. Whatever you throw in, you are screwing yourself
/r/Divorce_Men02/05/26 03:58 PM
1

Take the 13k and buy a 1-2 bedroom place that you can live comfortably with for the next 10 years. A townhouse will cost you on HOA and the associated headaches but will save on some of the maintenance problems.
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/26 02:50 AM
2

The account was in her name so why are you concerned about the device payoff problem? And how was she allowed to transfer to another account without paying off the balances? Besides that fishiness, the past payments don’t matter. She split everything on her own, it’s up to her to figure out how to pay for it. Let her ask and then tell her exactly that - you’re not responsible for her decisions and actions.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/26 08:10 PM
2

You’re chasing for validation. Drop him, otherwise you are not moving on and you will become exactly what you’re complaining about-sad and emotionally unavailable
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/26 04:47 AM
1

You’re basically fucking yourself over and making it easier for her to screw you even more. First you need to understand what a no-contest divorce means. It’s not a free pass to just back out and let whatever happens. It means there is a framework that you both agree to. Everything from all bank and retirement accounts, assets, home selling, financial support, child support, parenting time, medical and school decisions, and probably things I’ve forgotten. You still get served if she files. You s…
/r/Divorce_Men14/04/26 05:53 AM
2

Got stuck renting cuz housing prices went through the fuckin roof
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/26 01:21 AM
4

Did that the year of the divorce before it was final. Never again.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 11:40 PM
3

Nope. Not making the same mistake twice
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/26 07:33 AM
2

The question is “when”? The answer is “yesterday”
/r/Divorce_Men07/04/26 04:02 AM
9

Divorce sucks. Doesn’t matter if it’s 2 years or 20. But in the overall scheme consider yourself lucky. You’re still young at 41, you didn’t get to the point of having kids involved, and you will come out of this better than you think. Just please take the time for YOU and worry about that first. Hobbies, friends, and therapy are the primary focus. Don’t get stuck in the rabbit hole of thinking you have to be with someone to be happy. You want someone to be part of your life, not just to fill a …
/r/Divorce_Men06/04/26 03:58 PM
1

The problem is that this isn’t or didn’t happen during the process, it’s after the divorce is final. That’s the flaw in your argument. With that, a paramour clause doesn’t work in court for men in most cases. If you’re a man who tries to enforce it you’re seen as bitter and just trying to be controlling. If you’re a woman then you’re seen as looking out for the kids. Family court still favors women majority of the time.
/r/Divorce_Men05/04/26 02:53 PM
13

I’ll summarize in 8 words. Fuck her and the dick she’s riding on
/r/Divorce_Men01/04/26 04:17 AM
11

Don’t buy into that “women pay getting made up” bullshit. All the time they always say “I do it for me” when it comes to that so that dog won’t hunt. They keep on trying to have everything both ways and then wonder why they can’t get decent men.
/r/Divorce_Men31/03/26 11:14 PM
4

There’s a part that nobody talks about. As men we will give up our social status for our SO. Their social circle becomes ours, not counting the 1-2 good buddies you’ve had since high school. So when the divorce happens they get to keep that part and we are left high and dry. I will also state that this isn’t 100% a man thing. There are women that have this happen as well so when they get divorced the same thing occurs. However, they are the minority because it’s still true that 60-80% of divorce…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/26 04:44 AM
1

If you’re still married legally married as of the end of the tax year there is no “filing first”. You are still filing married so it’s only 1 return. As long as you don’t have kids, all you need are W2s, the mortgage interest statement from the lender, and any tax statements from savings accounts. The online tax software is pretty straightforward to use. If she’s unwilling to take steps to file make sure you get it documented, even if it’s just by text. Then at least you have records of her bein…
/r/Divorce_Men22/03/26 04:24 PM
2

How do you accidentally pay $40,000 over?
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/26 11:33 PM
2

Never date while separated or divorcing. Not only because of trauma bonding but you’re not healthy enough to have a new relationship. You said it yourself that you have nothing for YOU. No friends, no hobbies, do nothing for yourself except work and gym. You need to learn how to be alone or you will never be honest with anyone as to what you can give or even what you want. You and the gf did nothing more than fill a void that’s still there. If that’s all you want then feel free to jump from pers…
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 05:49 AM
1

If you need to put it on paper for the document/courts put whatever you want. Once reality hits you’ll find that the schedule is nothing more than a starting point and things will change more than you think.
/r/Divorce_Men19/03/26 03:32 AM
2

I will admit my kids were much older so it’s a way different experience. I can’t begin to speak as if in your shoes, that’s unfair. Yes you still have to be around her because of the child but remember that is always separate from what you and her do. Coparenting and being there for your daughter is first and foremost. Being nice and friendly with your STBXW, that’s something else. Make no mistake about it, it sucks and it sure as shit isn’t easy. You are left dealing with the fallout and the em…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 04:55 PM
7

My ex did the same thing. Hooked up with/started fucking a new guy almost a month before telling me she wanted the divorce. Went out to meet this new boyfriend every weekend and talked to him for 3-4 hours on the phone every night while we were still cohabitating, with 2 kids, and while I was recovering from major surgery. Went on for months, including her talking to him when we had to travel to the hospital for follow-ups and even on a trip we had to go on that was planned 6 months before she s…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 03:56 PM
1

Not after. Before and during.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 03:43 PM
3

About $10k for lawyer, another $5k that I had to put back into the savings account she ended up with, and she got the house which grew about 20% in value right before the divorce was final thanks to the overpriced market. I took the no-alimony option which did mean I’m not paying her for 14 years and would have meant paying even when retired. I also lost about $30k in the home equity buyout. She also turned the kids against me which cost me parenting time and I ended up paying about $750 more pe…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/26 04:39 AM
2

So then that pretty much sounds like a guardianship. You share the legal responsibilities for all decision making regarding school, medical, etc. That also gives you both rights to all records too, at least until he turns 18. The court will decide whether or not that continues if you don’t have that included in your divorce settlement.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 04:33 PM
1

Is it guardianship or was it adoption? If it’s a guardianship then the court can make a decision as to who retains legal guardianship/custody, or if it remains joint. Being that it’s her brother it’s more likely that she’ll retain the legal custody as well as sole custody (physical). Legal custody just means sharing in the decision making. That can still be a thing between you two even with divorce, but you may or may not even get visitation rights. If it was custody through adoption then that’s…
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 03:45 PM
5

Talk to a divorce lawyer before you start splitting any accounts. There usually is no “separating our money.” While still married all accounts are marital assets so even if she has no access to them she may still get 1/2 of it. Also don’t pay off your bills first because those, like assets, are shared.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 12:53 AM
4

You don’t have kids and you are not responsible for her brother. You don’t need her as your friend. She’s already moved past you but wants to keep you as a safety net. Get divorced, cut ties, and move on. Otherwise all it’s going to do is keep you anchored to her and you’ll never be able to heal or live for yourself.
/r/Divorce_Men16/03/26 12:32 AM
10

“Happy wife = happy life” = for her. Not you. There’s a reason that infidelity is ranked as the leading cause of divorces.
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 11:51 PM
10

Can’t say anything about your first marriage but social media has been conditioning people that way for the past decade
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/26 04:06 PM
7

Well, sort of. Had the dead bedroom but that wasn’t the reason for the divorce. She “divorced me in her head” long before asking for it. So her wanting out meant that she wouldn’t put out. At least not to me. She had no problem jumping into another guys bed before even asking for the divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 01:25 AM
1

She wanted to send them on the trip, she pays for it. Her idea, her cost. If she needs help then her parents should chip in since they already planned everything. It’s no different than if she was taking them on vacation herself.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/26 12:31 AM
1

Don’t play the “nice” role. It will get you nowhere. If she has the chance to a$$ fuck you she definitely would.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 10:32 PM
1

Oof. That does suck. I had to live in the same house for 7 months while my ex was going off and f*cking her boyfriend every weekend. It wasn’t required by law but I was medically disabled for that time and had no other choice.
/r/Divorce_Men16/02/26 10:28 PM
1

or 6 months if you have a written separation agreement and no minor children.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/26 08:49 PM
1

Not that I don’t agree but we don’t know if her 401k was pre- or post- marriage. Except the separation part. That usually doesn’t matter as it’s still marital until the divorce is done.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/26 03:54 PM
3

Get a lawyer. Like yesterday. She’s already demanding shit hoping you’ll cave in and give away the farm just to “keep it peaceful” or that you’ll be the nice guy. Shits already gone sour.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 08:27 PM
1

While you are correct in some respects the trick is the 401k loan she used. If she took a 50k loan, is that loan against the $100k, the $50k, or the total? Normally a 401k loan is only on what you put in or the vested amount so that part is gonna be messy. And regardless of using her 401k, being that it was still bought while married that adds a huge level of complexity. So while it very well is state law dependent it’s also one of the rare cases a lawyer is 1000% worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 08:25 PM
3

This 1000%
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/26 08:16 PM
6

I went low. Depression is a bitch.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/26 01:10 AM
13

You’re living in a fantasy world. That site/page has been turned into nothing more that bitter women posting bullshit about guys who have either rejected them or had a bad break up
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/26 01:58 AM
22

She cheated. End of story. Divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men08/12/25 03:08 AM
2

I stopped half way through. Cut your losses and take care of yourself
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/25 08:19 AM
3

My ex played the game that she was “getting better for herself” when in reality she was doing it to look better for the next guy. So no, after all the bullshit and pain of the failed marriage and her cheating, not attracted to her at all
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/25 06:20 AM
11

After being with the same person for 20 years let’s just say that the fear is real. We may not be as emotionally connected as women when it comes to s*x but mentally we are still our own worst enemy.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/25 05:30 PM
7

Sounds like you already are divorced and have it written in the agreement that she gets the $20k in lieu of alimony.If that’s the case then you really have no choice, cohabitation or not. The cohabitation clause is to stop paying it at all if the other party is already with a new partner before divorce is final, or to stop paying after the divorce is final. Since you are not actually paying alimony (spousal support) the cohabitation clause doesn’t apply. In order to nullify the already agreed on…
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 05:28 PM
1

Selling it to her is essentially a buyout, just extra word salad. I mean it worked in your favor so my opinion means jack sh!t, I just find it odd how that all went.
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 04:55 PM
2

Sell the house or buyout? That does make a difference as well. Appraisals are used for buyouts, FMV more used when selling and then splitting proceeds
/r/Divorce_Men10/06/25 02:08 AM
10

You’re forgetting that in order for her to buy you out, she has to refinance on the existing mortgage while adding the $250k to that or somehow get a loan for it. Either way she will be paying on $575k ($325k + $250k) so her payments won’t be the same as they are now.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/25 07:50 AM
2

Doesn’t work that way at all
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/25 07:44 AM
3

Not your tongue She’s already got someone else’s
/r/Divorce_Men20/01/25 11:37 PM
3

Why is this story even allowed here when it has nothing to do with divorce? Besides, you just sat there and watched her do this inseminating thing and did nothing? The “host mom” blocks her number? Shes in South Africa, how is she going to file for child support when the United States does not have a reciprocal arrangement with them for child support?
/r/Divorce_Men21/12/24 06:14 PM
12

Friendly and civil because of kids but not friends. She burned that bridge when she no longer wanted me, wanted the divorce, and slept with another guy while still married.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 09:57 PM
9

Just because she’s a lawyer doesn’t make her a family law expert, unless that is what she does. If it isn’t just get your own that is highly rated/reputable and you should be fine
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 07:41 AM
1

So he doesn’t have the cup of a carpenter?
/r/Divorce_Men25/11/24 07:39 AM
1

Router will generally have 2 Ethernet MAC, one for LAN and one for WAN. Only devices will have a MAC address, not wall jacks/ports
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 06:17 AM
1

Any device that’s network connected will show a MAC address. Thats just how it works. Yes if it’s thru a switch it will show up. Amazon devices could be FireTV, Echo, Ring, or Blink cameras.
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/24 05:39 AM
0

You keep missing the point and choosing to die on this hill. Doesn’t matter if it’s 10%. It’s still a possibility and can still happen. Thats the point.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 03:02 PM
1

Although only 7 states allow what’s called “permanent alimony”, in other states with marriages that lasted 20 years or more, alimony can be ordered to be paid for as long as the marriage lasted. So 28 year marriage and divorce at 64=alimony till 92, and chances are you’ll be dead before then.
/r/Divorce_Men25/10/24 02:23 AM
0

Most states have alimony for life on marriages over 20 years. Doesn’t matter if you are retired or not, you’ll still pay but the amount can change. Alimony is also based on your last W2 or possibly last 3-5 paystubs, they don’t go back 10 years. Assets and debt get split separately so if you have 100k assets and 20k debt, you’ll each get 50k asset and 10k debt (approximately)
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/24 05:38 AM
2

To get laid, I get that too. But after just filing for divorce 3 weeks ago, even doing it for that reason can do harm in the long run. The whole divorce process/concept is too new and between dealing with that and then becoming a f*ckboy it’s an emotional and psychological shit storm
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 07:13 PM
4

You’re nowhere close to being healed enough to start dating after only a couple months.
/r/Divorce_Men18/10/24 04:42 AM
14

Fight for full custody as you’ve posted elsewhere. Document everything. Also your alimony will likely be 2 years or less so you may be able to use the buyout option as well (there is a formula for that based on what’s called a discount rate, all family law software can figure that). Also if she moves in with her bf, she gets zilch. She’s a sinking ship.
/r/Divorce_Men15/10/24 03:01 AM
1

You’re gonna have to be able to show that she has the ability to work, because in terms of spousal support you’re going to lose the most. Illinois has an updated formula but it’s based on income and since she has none, you’ll likely lose 20% of yours
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/24 07:35 AM
1

The paralegal should be doing most of the filing/paperwork which is cheaper. Even with that if you’re already $10k in that’s way too much taking, either you and lawyer or lawyer-to-lawyer. Minimum amount of calls and emails is key. We already agreed on most everything before having it drawn up by my lawyer. It’s was her bitch of a lawyer who kept on dragging shit out and changing everything that drove the bill up. My ex was just following whatever her lawyer told her. In the end the agreement we…
/r/Divorce_Men04/10/24 01:13 AM
2

No, mediation is not a requirement. It’s an option for when parties can’t come to an agreement on certain or any part of the divorce settlement. Even if you don’t do mediation you can still go to court and let the judge make the determinations. Expect to pay about $5-10k for a lawyer, and a lawyer cannot represent both parties as that’s a huge conflict of interest. In fact any lawyer that you have a consultation with cannot be used by your stbxw.
/r/Divorce_Men03/10/24 08:19 AM
1

Dating apps suck As for everything else, yes the general consensus is to finalize your divorce first. At the very least give yourself some time to be separated/on your own before you decide to get in someone else’s life, for fun or otherwise
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/24 04:21 AM
6

If you don’t disclose and they find it during a full discovery you could be held in contempt and possibly lose those assets
/r/Divorce_Men30/09/24 04:02 AM
2

I thought I’d be happy when mine was finalized on 9/6 but I cried for hours afterwords. Sadness, grief, anger, depression, regret all hit in waves for the last 2 weeks Eventually I’ll be ok is what people tell me
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/24 08:54 AM
2

Moving to VA doesn’t matter because if you filed in CA that’s where your case is and that state laws will apply
/r/Divorce_Men09/09/24 07:13 AM
13

“I just want to be myself and not have to change who I am. I just want to do what I want to do without being criticized” I swear to Christ this is what I was told last year word for word. I mean is there like a manual where they get this from?
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 08:10 PM
2

All states recognize no-fault divorce. But as of 2023, only 17 states and the District of Columbia are “true” no-fault divorce states. True no-fault states do not give you the option of casting blame on fault grounds. Even in those 33 states it’s still more common for no-fault divorce to be filed
/r/Divorce_Men01/09/24 07:35 AM
2

States have calculations that will take into account what you are already paying a previous ex for spousal support and child support Also depending on the 1st ex situation you could possibly file for a modification for child support as well
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/24 07:16 PM
7

That attorney blatantly lied to you. There is no statute for paying your child’s car insurance and cell phones. You also shouldn’t be paying towards the car insurance unless you are the custodial parent. Kid has a car, kid should be paying the insurance.
/r/Divorce_Men15/08/24 07:25 AM
8

She’s keeping you on as a safety net until her new partner/connection becomes more stable. While she’s enjoying her space, aka fucking the new guy, get a lawyer and file for divorce. She has no equity in the house as long as she isn’t on the title/deed to the house, you have no child support and spouse support will be minimum of 1-2 years. Even if she tried to claim equity because her paycheck went into the account that paid the mortgage, a good lawyer can get you settled for either paying her e…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 12:56 AM
19

Online dating is a complete shit-show
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 02:36 AM
4

My ex can keep hers and do what she wants. Hopefully doesn’t pass it down to our daughter since it’s cursed
/r/Divorce_Men01/08/24 05:10 AM
13

A year ago when the divorce first started, yes I would have seriously considered that and very well would have done it. But now? Over a year later? Absolutely no chance
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/24 04:07 AM
11

Yep, checks out. -3 months here
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 11:59 PM
3

Oh, it still sucks to go through it. It’s hard to keep the high road 24/7. But if you follow this sub enough you’ll see that many stories are not that far off from each other and they generally end the same. Focus on you, not her. Therapy is what will get you through and help be a better version. It will help with the kids. Things will reverse and when you make that turn and thrive she will be the one on the downward spiral.
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 10:36 PM
3

On the surface it looks like my ex is doing great. Has her AP for over a year. Has been getting tons of matches on FB dating and goes on at least 3-4 dates a month. Everything it roses for her, right? In reality she’s had several falling-outs with her AP, has jumped into another relationship with one of the 38+ guys she’s grabbed from FB dating in the last 4 months and while in this new relationship is still actively dating 5 or more guys at the same time. Eventually her world will implode and s…
/r/Divorce_Men25/07/24 07:43 PM
9

You can change beneficiaries at any time. So even if you put your daughter down now, you can change it later anyway to include future wife or kids. Who is the beneficiary now?
/r/Divorce_Men23/07/24 05:19 PM
1

Yes. Her working doesn’t determine that request by itself. If it’s one of the things where you let the court/judge decide it’s likely not going to go in your favor
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 06:11 AM
1

They always want the attorney fees paid. That’s how to get more money from you. I had it out in our settlement that we pay our own legal fees. For maintenance that’s formula based so yeah, if you make more than her you will be paying it. It’s just a matter of how much and for how long. That said there are other ways to offset that, such as paying a lump sum at a discount rate or giving up other assets.
/r/Divorce_Men21/07/24 12:54 AM
2

OP you must be an overthinker like me. It’s very difficult to not think of what your ex/ex’s family say about you when you are one. And I imagine you want to make sure that your side is heard or that by talking to her, she won’t spread lies or BS. The truth is that she’ll say anything that makes herself look better than you. You can talk to her until your blue nuts fall off but it won’t make any difference. Your words will fall on deaf ears and the spinning and deflection will continue. As hard …
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 06:53 PM
4

$375 for lawyer, $125 for paralegal. Think I’m somewhere over $5000 so far Edit: that’s only what I’ve paid, the first 20 hours were covered by my job legal plan benefit, so that was probably close to $4000+.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/24 06:35 PM
1

At least in my state when the spouse receiving support cohabitates the payments end
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 01:11 AM
1

Child support is indeed based on parenting time as well as income. Both parents can make the same income but the parent with more than 50% custody will still get CS
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/24 12:08 AM
2

No-fault for divorce means any couple seeking a divorce does not need to provide evidence of wrongdoing or fault by either party. Instead, they can simply say their marriage is irretrievably broken, and the court will accept that as a sufficient reason for a divorce. Otherwise you would have to provide proof and the judge would rule on what was presented, with the possibility that the divorce be denied. In 18 states, including IL, a person seeking a divorce is not permitted to allege a fault-bas…
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 05:45 PM
1

Infidelity doesn’t matter in a no-fault state like IL Debt is like assets and will be split 50/50
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 05:44 AM
5

We purposely chose to forgo financial discovery for this exact reason. Unless your plan is to rape the other person for every nickel and bleed them dry, all you need is recent account statements
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/24 05:40 AM
4

Mine couldnt change hers on social media fast enough. Divorce isn’t even final yet
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 06:26 AM
3

Alimony is no longer taxed for the recipient and no longer tax deductible for the sender. At least on federal level. So yes, you pay taxes on money you’re giving away/never see and she pays nothing on the extra income. You can thank Trumps TCJA for that change.
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/24 05:05 AM
2

I went the spousal buyout route, which of course has its pros and cons. Pro = I don’t have to pay her anything every month to support her and her boyfriends. The kids get to finish HS in basically the only house they’ve ever known (they were young when we moved). I don’t have to remain on the mortgage and take a hit is she misses or defaults. Con = I basically cut myself out of 60% of the equity and there’s a good chance she’ll make out like a bandit in 5 years when she sells. She gets to keep t…
/r/Divorce_Men28/06/24 06:55 AM
1

Beginning processing and moving on are 2 different concepts
/r/Divorce_Men26/06/24 01:59 AM
2

The other reason is because the power/decision was taken from her when he just up and left. She also couldn’t spin this to being all his fault
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 05:51 PM
1

Theory based on real world scenarios. Can’t argue with that
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 05:48 PM
6

Definitely they have the justification and blame-shifting down by the time they want the divorce
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 05:45 PM
9

By the time the woman files, she’s already been processing the divorce, mentally/emotionally, for months. Men on the other hand, are more about being in denial about a divorce and is clear by the amount of times you see men asking “should I get a divorce?” Men will hang on much longer so we inherently lose that “check-out” factor and why men are more prone to feeling blindsided and view the woman as not caring or not devastated. Because she’s already been through some waves of emotion, that’s wh…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/24 05:43 PM
2

Most CS rules don’t apply to those making over $400,000 a year, let alone $1.5mil
/r/Divorce_Men02/06/24 03:21 AM
9

It started with him in August as being exclusive but she had been dating him and probably several more before that.
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 01:45 AM
2

👆No lies here
/r/Divorce_Men07/05/24 01:43 AM
2

I was 200 when d-bomb was dropped 3/22/23. Hit 165 by June ‘23. Depression weight loss sucked. Got back up to around 180-185 after Oct ‘23 and have been good there
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/24 09:24 PM
8

You’re in a no-fault state so using any of that as “leverage” is pointless. It’s not going to do anything to speed the divorce up. And to make it public after the divorce, what’s the point? By doing that you risk looking petty and vengeful. And if you keep holding onto it all you’re doing is wasting time and energy while not taking care of yourself first.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/24 03:53 PM
3

It is. Cohabitation is enough to stop spousal support but at this point since OP’s divorce isn’t final and she remarried it really doesn’t matter
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 05:49 AM
6

Yes, if is re-married, he pays nothing for spouse support. Her committing a crime of bigamy is even better for OP because he may not have to pay or split anything
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 05:32 AM
17

That’s what your lawyer is for, to get the court records on their marriage. Edit: plus the picture itself is proof until she disputes it and can show otherwise.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 01:05 AM
20

So if she got married before divorce is final, that’s bigamy and is a federal crime, illegal in every state in the U.S. She just hung herself. With a good lawyer you may be able to get out of any liability because she committed a crime. You may also get full custody of your kid.
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 12:56 AM
2

If the divorce isn’t final then what alimony? Plus she’s guilty of bigamy, which is a federal crime
/r/Divorce_Men14/03/24 12:51 AM
3

Consider yourself lucky if she waited till the divorce was finalized. Mine sure as shit didn’t even wait to ask for the divorce first before she started dating. It’s already been a year. If you haven’t been in therapy you should consider it now.
/r/Divorce_Men12/03/24 07:44 PM
5

Psychology plays a huge part in it(no pun intended) but if you already know you have low T, get checked for high blood sugars or A1C levels. Diabetes and even pre-diabeties can lead to soft willy's as well
/r/Divorce_Men10/03/24 05:47 AM
12

Denial is not just a river in Egypt. It’s not that we don’t see it, we just subconsciously hide it because it’s a failure and most men don’t accept failure in things that are within, or perceived to be within, their control. Once it happens and you do the needed retrospective that’s when the light goes off about the signs. It’s also the part that sucks because the next step we do mentally is “omg, how did I not see that?” or “how did I miss that?” and proceed on beating ourselves up.
/r/Divorce_Men06/03/24 06:37 PM
1

Unfortunately and legally I don’t have much of a choice because the divorce papers are still sitting in limbo until she both reads it and agrees to it. So even though I moved out my name is still on the mortgage and title so I have to continue to pay.
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 10:22 PM
2

We’ve been doing the uncontested path until about 3 months ago, which coincidentally is when I moved out. Since then is when she’s been dragging her ass. And why not? She’s getting half the house and bills paid for by me, has the kids 90% of the time, can come and go whenever she wants which includes leaving the kids alone for the weekends, doesn’t have to worry about who or how many guys she talks to because I’m not there to hear it, and gets to cheat on her AP/boyfriend without him ever knowin…
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 09:10 PM
8

Too bad my stbxw has so much free time to talk and constantly text with her AP/boyfriend and her growing roster of other men she’s dating that I can’t get her to answer any questions I have about the kids. In fact all this free time is preventing her from reading the divorce settlement for about a month.
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 06:32 AM
1

Luckily he’s only a year old. This won’t be as huge of an emotional event for him as you think it is at this point in time
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 03:56 PM
2

Luckily he’s only a year old. This won’t be as huge of an emotional event for him as you think it is at this point in time
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 03:56 PM
6

Affair Partner. Who she is still with after a year and is now dating and stacking up other guys behind his back.
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 07:01 AM
14

She didn’t want to fuck me for years before she asked for the divorce, so to do it now after she barebacked her AP while we were cohabitating makes my nuts shrivel up
/r/Divorce_Men28/02/24 04:57 AM
3

Stbxw wanted the divorce last March. We both agreed not to file until after our son’s baseball season. I filed in July 2023 and we’re still not getting anywhere because she’s been the one dragging her feet since October.
/r/Divorce_Men26/02/24 06:07 AM
7

Morality clause makes you feel better and looks good on paper but they are very rarely enforceable
/r/Divorce_Men24/02/24 07:18 AM
5

First you are confusing alimony/spousal support with child support. Your sons age has nothing to do with spousal support amount or time period Second, alimony is enforceable regardless if you are 2 blocks or 2 states away. Your wages can be garnished if you don’t pay. If it’s in the final divorce decree that makes it enforceable. Third, your spousal support should be based on the state where the divorce was filed Fourth, you don’t offer anything. The state should have a formula to follow and tha…
/r/Divorce_Men23/02/24 12:04 AM
0

Sometimes that’s an unavoidable problem, especially when a divorce can take at 6 months or more
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 10:08 PM
6

The whole “don’t move out because it’s abandonment” isn’t 100% true. It’s possible that it could cause issues with property division or parental time, but in reality it’s difficult to stay in the same house with a problem spouse without it affecting the kids (if any). Plus there is the mental health aspect, which can actually be used to your advantage in this new age. In terms of the inherited house, make sure you (and your mom) consult with attorneys. There are ways to receive that property and…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 09:47 PM
1

Depends on the state. In Illinois it’s formula based and I’m at .72 of 18 years, so on the hook for 14 years. And I’m the disabled one.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 07:32 AM
1

You need to talk to your lawyer and also an accountant before you sell anything. There may be more implications than you realize
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 04:28 AM
1

Your tax status depends on what you are at the end of the year. Since you are filing 2023 taxes you are still filing jointly. The filing for divorce doesn’t mean a thing. You could file tomorrow but if you’re not finalized on 12/31/2024 you still file as married
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 04:21 AM
2

My stbxw pulled the same shit with her AP after 8 months of being separated. Her moral compass is completely broken. I also wanted some sort of revenge and to really fuck her up. Since I’m legally disabled I would have gone there and provoked him to hit me, which is an automatic felony charge. Go straight to jail, do not pass GO or collect $200. Luckily I’ve been talked out of the revenge game and the ONLY reason I’m being civil is because we have 2 kids. If it wasn’t for that I’d bury her so de…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 11:38 PM
2

Because all states except for a handful are no-fault divorce states. You can have an orgy right in from of you’re spouse and it won’t matter
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 11:32 PM
3

My stbxw did the same thing as OP’s did, except her family already knew what she was doing and didn’t give 2 shits. If fact, she had her AP over for a Halloween party with her family all there. Her parents were staying over and she still took AP to the bedroom to fuck all night.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 11:26 PM
5

Divorce rate is well over 50%, with women initiating 75-90% of them. Divorce rate for 2nd marriages is over 70% I believe.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 07:17 PM
3

My stbxw still has yet to see a therapist during our divorce. Apparently she thinks she is perfectly fine and doesn’t need help. She has perfected the art of monkey-branching and trying to date as many guys as possible in the shortest amount of time though
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 07:51 PM
3

In most cases you have to have a life event to make changes to insurance coverage through your employer. Since you’re not divorced yet you don’t qualify under having a life event, so you may not be able to take her off anyway. The other ramification is that if she is forced to get her own health insurance because of you removing her, she can also hit you for more money in the divorce to reimburse her for that expense. Depending on the state, you have to maintain a certain status quo during the d…
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 02:17 PM
4

You get to control the timeline and process, but in a no-fault state it doesn’t give you the legal advantage that it used to.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 03:40 PM
5

Jesus. Hope you went after her for illegally kicking you out of your own house and changing the locks
/r/Divorce_Men31/01/24 03:52 AM
2

I had to do that for 6 months of hell while recovering from surgery and until I could find a place.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/24 07:28 AM
2

The mental and emotional toll isn’t worth those benefits
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 08:07 PM
11

My stbxw didn’t regret jumping on another guys pole before asking for the divorce, so if she ends up having any regrets later I’d rather self castrate then go back.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 05:15 AM
2

I did try to get one of the top female attorneys but she said she had a full case load. That told me she took quality over quantity, so wish I could’ve gotten that one. But at least ex couldn’t get her either. Went with male attorney with lots of experience and gets the give-and-take of things. The ex went with her AP’s lawyer, who’s a woman with less than a few years experience. I’m sure she’s blowing a lot of smoke up my ex’s ass and promised her everything. She’s in for a rude awakening.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 05:06 AM
1

I’m in the same boat for the past 10 months. Divorce still isn’t final. Tbh there were so many times I could have just leveled him with a bat but going to jail wouldn’t do any good for my kids. The hate will pass because it’s based on projection. Yes he may be a f’n ass for humping someone’s wife but the real anger is at your ex. It’s hard to have that much anger at someone that your loved and respected and built a life with so we take that emotion and dump it off on the 3rd party. Why? Because …
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 07:18 AM
12

You’re paying for your child so she doesn’t have to go without. That’s how you have to think about it or it will drive you crazy. Besides that, is there a chance that down the road you can request to have the custody time reviewed and try to get 50/50 or better?
/r/Divorce_Men24/01/24 07:02 AM
1

Also in Illinois. Spousal support would be 14 years based on 18year marriage. Plus the tax law change in 2017 means you don’t get to take off what you pay in SS and the receiving spouse doesn’t have to claim it as income. So I have to pay full taxes on money I don’t have and she pays no taxes on money she gets.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 06:02 PM
3

In most states and debt incurred until divorce is settled is marital debt. So you didn’t pay off “your” debt you paid off “our” debt. You basically took her off the hook financially
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 05:27 PM
1

Unfortunately I do have legal obligations since we are still legally married. Plus if she knows it’s me that tells him it could screw me in any settlement. And then there’s also the kids and parenting time to consider
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 08:32 PM
2

They don’t quite know that it’s cheating because she told them it was “a friend” and they didn’t start “seeing each other” until after she asked for the divorce. That’s the brainwashing part, that it’s not cheating as long as she said those 4 words “I want a divorce.” To try and tell them before would have been using them as pawns, which I now realize months later that is was OK for her to do that but not for me.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 08:50 PM
1

They can but she’s also done her own form of brainwashing, making me out as the bad guy in this whole divorce
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 08:25 PM
1

Her response has been “because that’s what the kids want” or “it’s better for them” It’s her mentality that she can go off and do whatever she wants regardless if the kids are home or not. Like spending 3+ hours every night on the phone with him. Every night. For almost a year.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 07:45 PM
1

Time…my own worst enemy
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 07:36 PM
1

Eventually I sure it will happen. Maybe it was just my warped sense that wants to speed up the process. The added benefit that I could sit back and say that I was responsible for their suffering.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 06:14 PM
2

Thanks guys for all the responses and the hard reality checks. Here’s a kicker that I’ll throw in. The AP’s wife left him about month before he met my wife. He suspected his wife was cheating on him and he just filed for his divorce 2 weeks before meeting mine. They fucked a week later. She didn’t ask for the divorce until 3 weeks after that and only because I brought it up that “something was wrong lately”. I didn’t find out about AP for another month. The funny part? They both hate cheaters in…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 05:47 PM
1

Brutal but you’re honest. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 05:35 AM
2

I feel this, exactly where I’m at right now
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 05:34 AM
2

Right now I only get my son every other weekend. There are other issues with my daughter so I haven’t seen or talked to her for 3 months. The settlement she wants is 60/40 but I’m going for 50/50 because she spent every weekend at AP house for 10 months, including leaving them alone after I moved out.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 05:32 AM
2

What would she do if roles were reversed and I had someone I was screwing and she was emotionally shattered like I am? She’d lose her shit in a heartbeat and throw shit until something sticks.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 05:26 AM
3

Divorce may not be final for months, but you have a good point
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 05:22 AM
1

Ha! You think 54 isn’t “too old”? Wish I could agree with you on that one
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 05:22 AM
1

True. But it’s more of just planting that doubt, where he starts to question and she has to keep defending. Either way one of them is going to break.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 05:21 AM
3

Moving out was a first step but starting over is difficult, as everyone here can relate. Leaving the kids was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, going from seeing them every day since birth to now just a couple days every other week. I guess it’s a matter of watching from the sidelines or just speeding up the process. Maybe watching is better off.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 05:19 AM
2

Over the long term I guess you’re right.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:35 PM
1

20 years together, 18 married
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:32 PM
2

It honestly won’t matter much in custody because courts don’t care what you do when separated in a no-fault state. Morally < Legally
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:31 PM
1

Thanks for that perspective
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:29 PM
2

That’s a good point. It’s not that he’s deserving of anything but more for the idea of watching her world burn as she loses her safety net and has to deal with issues
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:29 PM
3

Yep. Legally still married and definitely 100% married when she started sleeping with AP. I know the general rule is that once either spouse asks for divorce, the concept of marriage is done. Yet I still have to pay mortgage, bills, and for her insurance. So she gets the benefit of being “married” while being able to cheat on me a second time and now cheat on her AP. Garbage can doesn’t quite cut it, right?
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:27 PM
2

Financially, doesn’t matter if it’s this AP or some other pole down the road. But I appreciate your view about nothing gained. She wouldn’t know it’s me that spills the beans but maybe this false sense of security she has will make her feel better about terms
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:23 PM
3

That’s the dilemma. She’s lived consequences free for almost a year. Not sure about telling the kids anything though. It’s a shame I live in a no-fault state because this would be monumental for my benefit.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:19 PM
1

Thanks. It’s a bit rough as you know
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:17 PM
2

Good point especially for mental health
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:16 PM
5

I already have evidence but waiting until finalized makes sense. Even if I don’t send him everything, I just want to send enough when he has to question her and then doubts everything
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:12 PM
3

That seems to be the consensus
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 09:10 PM
14

Cohabitation sucked. I only had to do it because I was recovering from surgery and that’s the time she picked to not only start sleeping with her AP but to ask for the divorce. 6 months of hell as she talked to her AP for hours a day and went to his house every weekend.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 06:03 AM
4

My stbxw said the same thing after asking for divorce - “I never wanted anything more than to divorce the asshole”. She said that to her AP on the phone.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 05:59 AM
9

People need to stop being so literal and maybe exercise their brains a bit more. “Hit the gym” is nothing more than a general catch-all phrase for getting out and doing some sort of physical activity. I mean ffs I’m half crippled and even I didn’t get offended getting and seeing that advice.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 01:36 AM
7

Just to her first name until the divorce is final. Then it will probably be “the kids mom”
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/23 07:56 PM
0

Don’t kid yourself that she didn’t have an affair. You just didn’t find out about it.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 10:57 PM
5

“I have to put myself first” — same excuse I heard when she asked for the divorce. And in the same breath “My kids always come first”. Well which is it? They can’t both be ‘first’ As she spends all her free time on the phone with AP during the week and every weekend at his house, even on the days she has our kids, we know what the answer is.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 12:32 AM
10

Has she always been a narcissist? She’s clearly also putting her needs above any concerns with the kids. She did what she did to get a rise and reaction from you, to further validate the “I’m not the problem” narrative. It’s only when it didn’t work that she chose to ‘apologize’ for it.
/r/Divorce_Men24/12/23 11:30 PM
4

At least you got a dog
/r/Divorce_Men18/12/23 08:06 PM
3

So even while the divorce is in process, I have to still consider her my spouse and pay for her insurance. I still have to pay for her phone on the “family plan”. I can’t take her off as beneficiary because we’re still married. If you want the benefits and discounts that come as being a spouse/wife, then you get the consequences as well, which is that you’re cheating.
/r/Divorce_Men09/11/23 06:35 AM
1

Get out of my head, will ya? 🤯
/r/Divorce_Men03/11/23 12:33 AM
1

Living for others is pretty much how we all ended up here
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/23 11:59 PM
0

20 years ago, sure. Today men have learned and evolved from that outdated mentality
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/23 09:22 PM
1

Hypertension, stress, diabetes are physical causes. But psychological/mental state is just as powerful an ED trigger. Lucky I have all of that going for me.
/r/Divorce_Men16/10/23 05:22 AM
3

1/2 of the asset value. Roughly $$ that house is valued at minus the mortgage balance = asset value $300,000 house - $200,000 left on mortgage = $100,000 asset, so she gets $50k
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 03:47 AM
1

Did you file under infidelity? Or did she file under “irreconcilable differences”. That makes a difference as well
/r/Divorce_Men27/09/23 02:14 AM
2

All states recognize no-fault divorce. But as of 2023, only 17 states and the District of Columbia are "true" no-fault divorce states. NJ is not one of those 17.
/r/Divorce_Men26/09/23 03:32 PM
1

She’s getting her sex, just not from you
/r/Divorce_Men22/09/23 04:32 AM
1

For the first few months, even after I caught on that she was greasing up another guys pole? Sure did. These past 2 months? No fucking way.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/23 09:39 PM
1

Your account theory is flawed. Money earned during the marriage is marital money. Doesn’t matter if you put it in 1 account or 3 accounts. All 3 of them are still considered marital assets and will be split. If your 401k is 200k and hers is 100k, she’ll be getting 50k of yours because the contributions were made with marital money (your paycheck)
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/23 07:19 AM
0

Technically since she makes more you are legally entitled to spouse and child support. She is also responsible for all those things you are giving away so freely. She wanted the divorce. She needs to learn that there are consequences both emotionally (you and kids) and financially.
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/23 05:17 PM
5

It will regardless of being married or not, so that point has no relevance
/r/Divorce_Men22/08/23 04:01 AM
1

Since my stbxw had no problem jumping on another man’s pole a month before asking for the divorce, I’m now thinking that I should let things happen naturally with whomever will be next
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 04:46 AM
5

Over 25 years, actually. But most social media as we know picked up around 2005. When people refer to social media as being at the core of problems now, you can pin that back to starting about 2015, and getting 200% worse in 2020
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/23 04:17 AM
1

I’d like to know this too
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/23 10:04 PM
2

Mine started a month before she even told me she wanted out
/r/Divorce_Men08/07/23 05:47 PM
3

They are 13b/16g, so no
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/23 04:22 PM
3

Yes it is hell, but unfortunately I have nowhere to go yet. Housing here is insanely overpriced and finding anything w/3br is almost impossible
/r/Divorce_Men01/07/23 02:36 PM
2

Fuck. I don’t even know when I’ll date again, let alone get married.
/r/Divorce_Men12/06/23 09:40 PM
2

Between my surgery and then her asking for divorce I’ve lost 35lbs. I look way too thin, almost emaciated. And we haven’t even talked to lawyers yet. Depression is a bitch.
/r/Divorce_Men24/05/23 10:09 PM
2

Gray rock??
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 06:34 PM
1

She’s basically asking me to fill it out so she gets more info from her lawyer on what to expect for support and asset/debt division. I don’t want to cause any problems, or she’ll think I’m trying to hide things. I just think that for this first step it’s improper to give/get that much detail from your spouse before you even retained attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 06:33 PM
0

We haven’t even signed agreements or retained our lawyers yet. I understand that income, at least in IL, is the primary source for the CS/SS formula. And we are both on the same page to work on a lot of agreements ourselves and just have it reviewed by our respective lawyers. At some point we both have to fill out the financial affidavit but I’m just wondering if that’s something I should disclose just for her free consult.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 06:26 PM
1

This is just for the initial consult she is having with the lawyer that she was referring to. Since nothings been filed yet and she hasn’t even retained him yet, not sure if or what any proper channels are at this stage
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 02:24 PM
1

I also have a initial consult set up with a lawyer, which ironically enough is on the same day as hers. So neither one of us officially retained/signed agreements with a lawyer yet.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 02:21 PM
1

I do the taxes every year but I’ve never prevented her from looking at any of that. She’s done most of the bills so it’s not a question on joint accounts. She wants me to list any/all accounts that I have in my name only and this is just for the initial consultation she’s having. She hasn’t even retained/signed an agreement with him yet.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 02:16 PM
3

I have set up an initial consult with a lawyer as well and we have that meeting next week. And I have basically the same type of form to fill out.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 01:53 PM
2

Yeah. Luck is everything in this. But sometimes just knowing they can be busted is enough of a deterrent.
/r/Divorce_Men20/05/23 06:06 AM
2

Insane? Probably. But a Morality Clause is enforceable as it would be part of the divorce decree. And once you bring proof to the judge, the spouse would be in contempt of court and also have to pay your court fees.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 10:36 PM
2

Thank you
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 10:32 PM
2

There’s not much in there for her to take to begin with.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 10:14 PM
2

Any account you have opened that either used that joint money or is funded from your paycheck while still married is considered a marital asset and will get split.
/r/Divorce_Men18/05/23 01:04 AM
2

I’ll be in the same boat soon enough. Dealing with a spouse who wants a divorce because she stopped loving me years ago is bad enough. Dealing with her sleeping with some random dude her BFF set her up with is bad enough. But not seeing my kids every day? That’s what will kill me. And to make it worse, the STBX keeps saying she does everything and makes sure the kids come first. Except that she spends 2hrs every night talking to her fuckbuddy on the phone, spends maybe 15min a day with our kids,…
/r/Divorce_Men14/05/23 03:39 AM
1

What is a CDFA?
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 07:50 PM
1

It partially comes from the idea that if I “give” this it looks like a win for her because she won’t have to refi or get a HELOC for the $70k and sees no mortgage increase. And I’ll take that SS payment amount and put it into my IRA or 401k.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 04:53 AM
1

Yeah, there’s the risk. If she remarries in less than 10 years then it’s a loss for me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 04:44 AM
1

According to her, she has no interest in getting married again. This marriage has completely turned her against the idea. Or so she says now. Still need an actual appraisal, but estimate that my share of equity would be near $70k if 50/50 split. Since the down payment for this house came from her selling the previous house, it may go 60/40 her. Spousal support based on our 18yr marriage would total close to $80k over 13 years
/r/Divorce_Men12/05/23 04:42 AM
–

Thanks for this. I’m sure that when we get to that point they will feel the same that they’d rather be at “home”. Not a lot of SF homes for rent in my area and not sure about 3BR apartments so I may have to do a condo or townhome. I may even have them come with me when I get to looking for a place
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/23 12:13 AM
1

Thanks. That’s the big dilemma, right? What to pick that’s good for the kids to be at? I was just thinking that if I went out and bought a new house now, being in the not-the-right mindset, I’d end up picking a house that I might regret and end up with buyers remorse. Yeah, having to move twice would suck and be expensive but I have to juggle what’s best for me as I recover both physically (from surgery) and mentally (from divorce) as well as making the kids feel comfortable.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/23 07:53 PM
2

In comments marked “update”
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/23 03:08 PM
2

Update was posted
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/23 10:00 PM
2

Thanks, I didn’t know that claiming disability, which I have been for the last 10 years because if the original injury, would be considered for anything.
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/23 10:00 PM
3

Update: She figured it out that this Trust account was set up to avoid being a marital asset. She was only half right. The Trust account was required because the funds from sellers side is made out to the name of the Trust, not to me. But now this account is non-marital and the money can sit there for months until it’s distributed. And she knows she has to buy me out/refinance to keep the house. She was expecting that I would take the check from this sale and put it in our joint account. That wo…
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/23 03:58 PM
1

Surgery was Jan 25th, so this is the recovery part. It was major leg/knee surgery where I was 90% dependent on help. That will wane over time but will be months. Plus medical POA only covers health related decisions. I got lucky that I never made any POA’s, last will and testament, or a Trust because they all would have had her as either a decision maker or a primary beneficiary. And changing them would just add to the headache and cost.
/r/Divorce_Men20/04/23 05:11 AM
2

@pk2at she already knew most of it since my mother passed in Jan, way before she told me she wanted the divorce. Trying to get Estate and Trust accounts is a pain in the ass when you’re unable to walk or drive anywhere. So I was really dependent on her help this entire time.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 04:10 PM
3

This can’t be hidden as it will be listed on the financial affidavit as an inheritance. She will get half of my other accounts, like separate checking and savings accounts I have. The house deed is also in the name of the Trust, so I never technically owned the property. Acting as Trustee is how the house was sold.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 04:05 PM
4

@6Luck and @junkmailbox121, both good points. At this point the only thing stalling any filing is that she is honoring her promise to take care of me until I get better/more functional after the surgery.Not 100% better as that will take 8-12 more months but likely about 3 months. But during these 3 months I’m doing everything I can to get my side lined up.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 03:59 PM
3

I have to be careful with the parenting time agreement. 145 overnights, CS is 1600 146 overnights, CS is 824 —> this is 6 out of 14 days. It’s one of the 4 things needed for court decision on parenting time.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 03:53 PM
4

Same plan here. The inheritance/Trust will remain untouched(no disbursements) until divorce is final. I also don’t believe she knows that she has to buy me out of the house either.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 03:49 PM
2

It will come up when we start having talks on the agreements
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 03:38 PM
3

In an Illinois divorce or parentage action, a party may request a “morality clause” which will require the parties to wait a specified time to introduce new boyfriends or girlfriends to a child. Morality clauses related to new romantic partners are also known as a “paramour clause.” A morality clause may also forbid overnight guests of the opposite sex from being present during parenting time. An overnight guest morality clause will usually expire upon certifying that the couple has been dating …
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 03:37 PM
5

Thank you, Already have talked to one attorney. In most states, including here in IL, inherited property or gifts received by one spouse remain separate or non-marital assets. Unless I put the funds in a joint account she has no claim to it. The check/proceeds are made out to “The {name of mother} Trust”, and the deed was also in the name of the Trust.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 06:24 AM
13

Thanks. I am worried about the kids aspect (we have 2). I’ve had one consultation with a lawyer already, setting up a second one as well. Lawyer #1 told me the formula for spousal support and she won’t get much due to what she makes already.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 06:04 AM
11

Her fuck-buddy is in the middle of his own divorce. They just sold their house and he’ll get a huge equity payout from it. By having the funds transferred directly into the account that is opened in the name of the Trust, not me, it isn’t tied to any of our accounts and will not be co-mingled with any. We have 2 kids so I’m going to have a morality clause added when I file as well.
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/23 06:00 AM
1

And to make it worse, she shows no remorse and has the balls invalidate you feelings by saying things like “I don’t see why you’re so upset” and “what does it matter when our relationship is already over?”
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/23 04:48 PM
1

I’m trying to deal with similar. My wife dropped the divorce bomb 3 weeks ago. Even before that she was spending hours a night talking on the phone to her new “friend”. Figured out later she was having sex with him, which even being separated still f’n ripped me. So thought I’d just have that to get over. It got worse. Found out now that she started screwing him a week after she met him and 3 weeks before she told me she wanted the divorce. And he just filed for his own divorce 2 weeks before th…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/23 03:12 AM
1

Thanks for pointing that out as a DV scenario. It’s an extreme I didn’t even remotely consider. For now, due to my physical disability issues neither one of us has filed, nor have we had any serious discussions about most items. Besides the SmartHome, the internet, streaming, and cell phones are all under my name too. I’m pretty sure that she doesn’t want to drag anything out longer than needed since she wants the divorce in the first place so she may not argue if I just took it all with me.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/23 09:33 PM
2

Then you know the pain. It’s like another child that you “built”.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/23 12:22 AM
1

Part of it is for the security aspect with the Ring cameras and doorbell. So she’ll have to go and get her own Ring account and add them. The rest is also convenient for the kids. They grew up with it as part of their everyday lives so I don’t want them to have something else taken away from them
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/23 12:21 AM
1

Except for the in-wall switches I just might take everything and have her start from the ground up. She’ll have to get a new internet service anyway as even that is in my name.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/23 12:09 AM
1

Great thing is that most of it doesn’t have manuals. I was planning on going through and replacing/updating most of it over the next 1-2 years as it becomes outdated.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/23 12:07 AM
2

Sometimes spite and anger are enough to make the work worthwhile. But then again, do I really want to spend the energy being spiteful?
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/23 12:04 AM
1

This is definitely an option and may be what I have to push with her. Yes I work in IT for almost 25 years, so this was a big hobby/project I spent 5 years on for “us”, to make life easier.
/r/Divorce_Men13/04/23 12:02 AM
1

Definitely an option I’ll have to bring up as we discuss everything
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 11:59 PM
1

I’m sure it’s going to come up between us and I’ll be the one to do it. Either way I’m not leaving anything there with my name on it, unless she really feels the convenience/need is that important and agrees to leave it in place, as is. As for the garage door, it will still open without a problem. She’ll just lose the alerts that it’s opened (useful for when kids come home) and the ability to close it remotely. The kids and in-laws have both left it open a few times.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 11:57 PM
1

I get your point. I guess it’s me deciding to take the “core” of the network and SmartHome with me or just wiping it and leave everything. Either way, she’ll no longer have the convenience I built. The drawback is the kids will also lose out as they have grown up with it, and “hey Alexa” is part of their being.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 11:51 PM
2

Just a matter of which devices I take with me. In fact,she’s already starting the “everything in this house is mine” BS, including all the furniture WE bought in 2020
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 03:33 PM
1

Can’t just walk away as they are all under my name/account and in some cases I wouldn’t be able to set up new ones at a new house. So have to cancel accounts or take the controllers/hubs with me. Yes trying to set everything back up for smart home/Alexa would become her problem after that.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 03:30 PM
1

Once I cancel IoT accounts then everything will be just standard switches. No more “Alexa, turn off __”. And the Amazon Echos are all on my account so those come with me.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 03:26 PM
1

The smart switches/fan controls do operate manually, but I could replace every one of those switches the standard ones again.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 03:23 PM
2

No, she has absolutely zero tech savvy. She’ll never figure any of it out on her own
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/23 03:17 PM
1

Thank you. Neither one of us has filed yet. And as far as I know she hasn’t contacted a lawyer yet although I’m starting to line up consultations. So since we are only separated and I use my CC here and there like I always have it doesn’t sound like that would raise many issues or flags.
/r/Divorce_Men11/04/23 08:03 PM
1

Not seeing any VAR there
/r/Divorce_Men03/04/23 06:36 PM
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