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Extension-Mail234 Archive

View 4 posts and 56 comments by Extension-Mail234 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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2

Good advice, and i intend to.. Won’t be able to until early next week and Wanted to see what this community says in the meantime because she’s returning home tomorrow.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 04:39 PM
10

To add to this, in her letter it’s clear she assumes that she would be able to enjoy all four of 1) my spousal support, which has yet to be calculated, 2) her dad’s payments to help with the mortgage, which she can’t afford alone, 3) her own income (she’ll get a full time job making decent money), and 4) consequently, living in our house until she feels she’s ready to sell it. I don’t want to be selfish, but that seems like a hell of an ask.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/25 04:20 PM
1

Oh good. You should know better than to call it “alpha male shit” then. And I’m definitely not saying it’s not real. But after 20+ years of abuse (18 married), including both literally and figuratively fighting for my life and hers (I pulled her out of the river, by the way, assuring her our kids still need their mother), it’s extraordinarily difficult not to be even a little bitter, upset, and — if I’m being honest, disgusted — by the way she treated me and (my biggest trigger) the way she trea…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 05:05 AM
1

Tell me, are you familiar with BPD or the push-pull cycles involved? She’s been formally diagnosed with BPD by a registered psychologist/PhD therapist in the time since I wrote this post 3 months ago. Have you ever been slapped in the face by your partner after you told them you would no longer tolerate them screaming in the face of your physically disabled child? Ever had to wrestle a knife out of their hands in your kitchen with them in a blind rage after you tell them you’ll leave if they eve…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 03:44 AM
1

Actually, no. She’a since admitted to her therapist, then me that she was doing this as an attention-seeking tactic. I only shifted from “what’s wrong honey?” to not “giving a f” after she did it for years and I began to suspect it was an act.
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 03:25 AM
1

Based on this comment, I’m assuming you’re not familiar with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) — something for which my wife has received a formal diagnosis since I wrote this post three months ago. Not “caretaker” in the sense that you’re thinking — and definitely not an “alpha male” thing, or even a male-only thing — but in the sense that BPD partners essentially pull their significant others into a cycle of fear, obligation, and guilt so that they (I) assume a “caretaker” role rather than…
/r/Divorce_Men01/12/24 03:20 AM
9

Call 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, friend. You have plenty of life left to live. Might feel like your word as you know it is crumbling, but you can get through this.
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 06:49 PM
1

Great perspective and great read. It makes so much sense now. Long after we were married she revealed that, just before she met me, she had to leave her college because she was suicidal. But then she met me and treated me as her savior -- and in retrospect molded her personality to mine, making herself what appeared to be my ideal woman. Loved all the things I love, enthusiastic about all the things I was at the time. Only years later did it become apparent that those all weren't things she love…
/r/Divorce_Men05/09/24 06:44 PM
2

You have no idea how badly I needed to hear this. Thank you.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 07:29 PM
1

Good point. And Heck no. 🫠
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 06:05 PM
1

Last week she woke me up at 3:30am loudly sobbing next to me. I calmed her and gave her a hug, and then the entire next day she made a huge deal thanking me for “holding” her. In retrospect it felt terribly manipulative. So, when she tried it again a few days ago, I ignored it and she eventually gave up/went to sleep. Didn’t even mention it the next day. 99% sure she was trying to lure me into a caretaker trap.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/24 05:34 AM
2

Thank you. I'll communicate it...yet again. She simply acts like our previous conversations haven't happened and I can't wrap my brain around it. Like if she doesn't acknowledge what I've already told her, to her it's not real or something.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 08:12 PM
2

Trying. Thanks for the nudge, though. She has a long history of ignoring boundaries and acting like previous conversations simply didn't happen. I'm probably going to need to have yet another clear, difficult conversation telling her exactly how it is. It's like having to break up with someone a dozen times who refuses to be broken up with.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 08:11 PM
1

And the suicide talk is most concerning. I know it's not on me, but I absolutely don't want it to happen either. She hasn't made any overt threats for the past few weeks, but she has dramatically thrown herself on the bed sobbing for no apparent reason as I've entered the room a couple times. I ignored one of those episodes over the weekend and kept going on about my day -- even ignoring a text from her during one saying "I need you. Come here." -- and an hour later she was moving about the hous…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 07:57 PM
1

So I'm just now familiarizing myself with the idea of a BPD "supply" -- basically emotional validation and attention they seek and crave, correct? Even now with her acting in "perfect wife" mode that concept has never been clearer to me. Her requests for validation are constant and incessant. She'll even wake me in the middle of the night trying to kiss me and get me to say "I love you." Last night I even woke up to her berating me at 3:00AM because she apparently kissed me while I was asleep an…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 07:54 PM
1

That was part of my thought as well -- that it would be easier for me to find a temporary/separate place to live and let her stay in the house until it sells. When it sells, we can split the equity and both live wherever we want.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 07:49 PM
2

I agree. I think her point in expressing that concern was -- to borrow her words -- "that it will finally feel more real" and help her recognize that there's a diagnosable cause underlying her misbehavior. It's a hard pill for her to swallow that she actually has a problem. For the first 15 years of our marriage she would deflect and try to blame others for angering her or disrespecting her, even arguing that her temper was a strength and proved she couldn't be pushed around. Spoiler: Diagnosis …
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 07:47 PM
1

Miraculous -- or too good to be true -- is exactly how it feels. She tries to argue it "took hitting rock bottom" for her to finally make the change. But we've had plenty of ridiculously low points that should have spurred it otherwise. It was only when her cushy life as she knows it was finally obviously in jeopardy that she made the switch.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 07:43 PM
1

The interesting thing about my situation (as of this week) is that she's finally agreed to individual therapy -- which I think she should be doing regardless of whether we're divorced or not. She told me last week she's scared that the therapist will "put a label" on the way she acts and that the kids and I will judge her for it. I actually think maybe part of the reason she's finally agreed is that she might have seen some of my browsing history (watching BPD videos and such) -- and realized th…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 03:49 PM
2

That's huge for me as well -- that both me AND the kids deserve to be happy. I don't want them watching our toxic relationship and assuming it's normal or acceptable. Honestly moving out into a small apartment or something sounds like it would be heaven to me, but I hesitate to do so for fear she may try to use it as leverage (leaving the kids, etc.). I could ask her to move out, but also fear how she'll react. Might be best just to drop the bomb and let the chips fall where they may.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 03:35 PM
2

That's what's so wild about it...that this absolutely bizarre, off-the-wall behavior is so strikingly similar across the board for BPD folks.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 06:33 AM
2

Good choice. A big part of my decision to finally be done is to protect myself and my kids (even if it means they're still with her half of the time). I'm choosing me. Finally.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:57 AM
3

Forgot about the work stuff, which you touched on as well. Took a new job that paid 2X as much for the same amount of work. She got mad because I accepted the position (no brainer decision for me) and tried to claim I only wanted to make more money so I could leave her. Got new headshots for the job. Everyone else said they look amazing, but she said my face looked fat and that I was too serious, arrogant, and appeared unapproachable (serious face was requested by the boss). Got a promotion at t…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:12 AM
2

Oh man, I did recently discover that subreddit. Crazy all the similar stories. And jeez, I also know about the physical abuse and claims/attempts to turn it on me. Once I told her to leave the house because she was SCREAMING in our (disabled) son's face. She refused to leave, then -- after I attempted to escort her out by holding her arm, she threw herself on the ground and claimed I pushed her. Another time when our oldest child (now 17) was a baby, I vividly remember her running down the hallw…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 05:06 AM
3

See, that's the brutal part. For the longest time she's basically molded herself to try to be my ideal person. Said she liked video games, the same TV shows as me, same music, seemed like she had a similar sense of humor, liked my friends, wanted to go to my church. All things apparently BPD people do to lure you in and make you think they're the perfect person for you -- basically abandoning their own personality in order to identify themselves through you. Fast forward to today and she claims …
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 04:40 AM
3

crossposted it over there at your suggestion...holy cow feels like a bunch of kindred spirits. Never realized this all was such a common-ish thing...and wish I'd found these communities sooner to understand my situation.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 04:36 AM
2

Sending good vibes your way, friend. I'm trying to be as clear as possible to her that it's over. It's also difficult because she keeps trying to use sex to win me back, thinking that'll just solve everything. I caved a couple times early on as I'd entered the bedroom to see her in...ahem...suggestive positions. Felt akin to leaving and coming back...obviously sending the wrong message to her even though I'd been longing for it for so long. It's been about 8 weeks of "perfect wife" mode so far f…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 04:34 AM
1

So, ironically my mother in law was a high school therapist before she retired -- but not aware enough to realize her own daughter almost certainly has BPD. She once commented that she and another therapist often half-joked that the "best thing they could do if they found a borderline in their office was to get the borderline out of their office." Shitty thing to say from a high school therapist -- but pretty on-brand for her and, sadly, I can see what she means.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 04:27 AM
1

Well, she interestingly didn't agree to marriage therapy/counseling -- which she still resists since our first attempt, when she stopped coming because she said she felt "singled out" by the therapist as she tried to argue her temper was a strength of hers -- but rather agreed to go to individual therapy. I still think she should go to individual therapy even after we've parted ways. Would probably do her plenty of good...I'm just not interested any longer in waiting for that good to materialize…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 04:24 AM
2

Yeesh. I feel your pain. Mine is currently being nice. But mere weeks ago when I started hitting the gym more often (to get away from her and enjoy some silence/peace) there were constant comments like, "You're only going to the gym to meet other women, aren't you? Is there another person there you're meeting?" If I dared to do any lawn work or fix anything on the house (cleaning flower beds, replacing light bulbs, replacing a finicky old light switch), it was, "You're preparing to sell the hous…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 04:21 AM
3

I know exactly what you mean. In fact, one moment sticks out from early in our relationship after she threw a literal temper tantrum in front of my family (then later chastised me for not defending her adamantly enough to my family)...I overheard my sister in another room talking to my mom saying "It was insane! Like I was watching a literal toddler melt down." Yet I still willingly stuck around for so many years...it's embarrassing and humbling, but I also know it's not my fault (or hers, reall…
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/24 04:12 AM
1

No evidence, but witnesses. She’s hit (slapped, struck) me several times both in private and in front of other people. I’m a large man (6’4”, 250lbs) and she’s a small woman (5’2”, 115 lbs), but doesn’t make it right or acceptable. She once slapped our daughter when she was 9 for talking back in front of my sister and brother-in-law…nearly left her then but got sucked back in with hoovering behavior. Suffice to say we’re not welcome at their house anymore. One thing I’ve learned about BPD spouse…
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 10:43 PM
1

I didn’t know much until recently. When I found some videos and articles that described her (and my struggles being married to her) 100%. I was saddened but also excited to finally realize there was an explanation for it all. The past two decades make so much sense in retrospect 🥲
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 10:27 PM
2

🙏
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 09:24 PM
0

No lifetime alimony in my state, thankfully. Usually half the length of the marriage. But I’ll need to pay as I make far more than her. I’m estimating it’ll be around $4k to $5k per month for 9 years. Plus splitting the home sale proceeds and savings (around $750k). Expensive. Worth it at this point.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 09:11 PM
3

That’s what I’m fearing.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 09:10 PM
3

3 kids, 17, 14, and 10. At least we don’t have lifetime alimony here in MT. Usually around half the length of the marriage, from what I’ve read. But I’ll have to pay as I make much more than her. Plus splitting house sale proceeds and savings (~$750K). Still, I’ll happily pay up to be free of this craziness.
/r/Divorce_Men02/09/24 09:09 PM
1

I'd much prefer indifference to hate. Your response to her reads very passive aggressive -- and honestly I don't blame her for noping out of that situation to avoid you after saying that. I mean, it sucks, sure. But you're divorcing. She's not in love with you anymore. You told her she needed space -- and that might have been exactly what she needed to hear in order to move on emotionally. So it's become much more like a short-term business/roommate arrangement than anything else. If she's truly…
/r/Divorce_Men20/08/24 10:37 PM
9

So I hadn't heard of "hoovering" before -- but after looking into it oh my do I feel your pain here. My BPD STBXW is currently in an idealization/love bombing stage where she's been weirdly nice to me and the kids for the past few weeks in an effort to hoover me back in. But there are cracks starting to show in her facade now...passive aggressive comments resurfacing, calling me "selfish" for going to the gym, gaslighting ("You don't need to yell!" when I wasn't even raising my voice) or even th…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 05:14 PM
1

Good point. I’m not a mental health professional. And she refuses help from one. And honestly you might be spot on. I’ve recently started working on myself — going to the gym regularly, styling my hair, got my first nice pair of shoes in years — basically taking attention away from her incessant neediness. and she literally called me out and said I’m selfish for it, saying: “You seem like you’re doing these things for yourself, but I want you to do things for ME!” I was astonished. And her attit…
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 12:42 AM
2

Thank you for your thoughts and perspective friend. all spot on.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 12:23 AM
2

3 kids, and I make a lot more than her. I’m sure there will be coparenting and alimony. but I’ll gladly pay it to escape.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 12:22 AM
2

Sad thing is my family, my friends — hell even her family and friends — pointed out the red flags. But I was smitten in the beginning, and stuck it out due to sunken cost fallacy and repeatedly being lured back by her. Never again.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 12:21 AM
1

I’m so sorry, and I feel you. I could have written this paragraph verbatim.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 12:19 AM
2

I’m sorry that happened to you. My wife has slapped me a few times in front of the kids and my family over the course of our 18 year marriage. She even slapped my daughter once (she was 9) when I wasn’t present in front of my sister and brother-in-law. We weren’t welcome in their home from then on out. I should have left her then, but she lured me back with promises to be better and profuse, sobbing apologies and the usual idealization cycle. Argh.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 12:18 AM
2

Our 18 year anniversary was this week. Ugh. Can’t believe I’ve let it go on for so long. I actually started going to the gym every day several weeks ago. Naturally, she’s responded with cynicism (“You’re meeting another woman there aren’t you? You’re trying to get in shape for someone else, right?”) even though I’ve honestly just wanted to get healthier, work on bettering myself, and have a place to be alone with my thoughts.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/24 12:15 AM
4

That’s exactly why I haven’t said anything. I do think she needs help, but Historically any time I’ve tried to call her out on anything — however obvious or tactful I try to be — it has ended badly. We’re currently in what the videos describe as an “idealization” cycle where she praises me and focuses on everything good about me to win back my affections — which I’m sure was spurred by the threat of losing me as I told her I was done and want a divorce. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time be…
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 05:55 PM
2

Here’s one video that fits my wife’s behavior almost perfectly. Actually teared up halfway through watching it as I felt so validated…thought I’ve been going crazy for years wondering what on earth could explain her behavior and trying to fix it: https://youtu.be/tuH53OCBF60?si=6hxp0UPMtb4zE2fG
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/24 05:26 PM
1

Dammit. Failed on this front last night. Had a few drinks at dinner...she came to bed at 1AM (fully nude) and woke me from a dead sleep -- basically offering me everything I'd craved (but which she'd previously withheld) from a physical/sexual standpoint for most of the past two decades. I'm thinking probably best to abstain from alcohol for awhile. :-( This is so ridiculous.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/24 04:32 PM
2

She gave me a glimpse a few days ago when, out of the blue, she said "You know we'd need to sell the house and there'd probably be alimony and all that, right?" As if to scare me into staying. I know she's thinking about it.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 05:07 PM
6

One big realization I had recently to this end was taking a weekend trip with my kids without my wife to visit the grandparents -- my wife had to stay behind for a work event. The trip was incredible. No arguing, no drama, kids having fun and not walking on eggshells around their mom. Got back, wife asked how the trip went. I told her "Actually really good. We had a great time." To which she responded, "Oh? Seems like I wasn't missed," in a snarky tone. She wasn't, really. My kids even commented…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 02:40 PM
2

That's my fear. She's insistent that this isn't her acting in desperation and that she'll permanently change for the better. But I just can't see how that's possible -- that someone would act this way for 18+ years and suddenly change LITERALLY overnight. I call BS.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 02:31 PM
2

That's what's been so hard...processing that this isn't REAL but a desperation/hail mary move. Her complete 180 switch in behavior made me doubt whether it was the right move. But I'm sticking to my guns.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 02:30 PM
4

It's only been a couple weeks, but I'm already seeing the early signs of a return to the old normal. Flashes of anger. Name calling. Just barely stopping herself from lashing out when she 100% would have before.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 02:28 PM
2

Send some good vibes my way, friend. I know this is about to turn rocky.
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 02:27 PM
5

Thanks for the advice -- though it might not actually apply in this case. Funny thing is working longer hours doesn't technically make me more money as I'm not paid hourly; I earn a set amount monthly and she knows this. Working longer allows me to 1.) avoid her cringy/desperate love bombing, and 2.) generally kick (more) ass at my job, which just feels good and obviously endears me to my employer. That's what made that specific part of her accusations ("You're working longer to pay for an apart…
/r/Divorce_Men02/08/24 02:26 PM
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