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IllustriousCry672 Archive

View 1 posts and 425 comments by IllustriousCry672 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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Upvotes Title Category Author Subreddit Date (UTC)
22

IllustriousCry672/r/Divorce_Men21/12/23 03:18 AM
Upvotes Comment on Subreddit Date (UTC)
2

Generally not, but you can talk about division of assets and such, mostly related to pre-marital assets. I.E., guarantee they do not convert to marital, increases during the marriage don't become marital property, etc. I mean, you can put whatever you want in an agreement, but if they don't follow it wilingly, a judge has to make them, and judges can toss these out if they wish
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 11:34 PM
3

Yup, it's funny, we have so many men come here with the 'sure just left, said she needs space, happened out of nowhere, etc' And we all go 'she's banging other dudes and done with you' And they go 'it can't be that, because xyz' And then months later, they figure, she was banging other guys. That story is like half of us here. And I understand, I remember when it happened to me, when my wife 'needed space' overnight. I spoke to a therapist less than two weeks later, as I didn't want to talk to m…
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 06:05 AM
1

Yup, a big issue for the modern man, is we're told to do what women want by society. And women tell us what society tells them they should want. But, sex is mating, and mating is our most primal part of ourselves. It doesn't care for reason or logic. So we kill ourselves trying to do what we 'should' do when that's very often the opposite of what our wives actually want, or failing that, protect ourselves because nothing we could change how they'll respond
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 04:27 AM
0

Yup, I've learned you have to avoid using 'trigger' words with people these days. You can have someone agree with your political stance if you avoid using 'trigger' words, as they don't actually dislike your stance, they've just been conditioned to be triggered. It's....sad/funny, I guess.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 04:25 AM
4

I was 'lucky' and my wife let me buy her out of the house, and she moved in with a friend into a 1000 sqft two bedroom apartment. She had initially planned on going back overseas to be with her AP, but it took just a few weeks for her away for her to find out he was still sleeping with random girls at bars, same exact way he picked her up. At that point, she said I 'stole the house from her' as the market had just dipped with this happened, and hour house was worth 25k less than we paid for it. …
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 04:24 AM
6

It does get better. I can't say it'll be better than the good times, but you'll be better than the worst times, which you're in right now.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 12:48 AM
0

100%. The 'best' sign you have a wife who won't cheat on you is she doesn't put herself into situations that increase the odds of infidelity. Though, my ex was like that. And the first time she didn't, when I gave the OK to go on a trip by herself, is when she ended up cheating with a rando at a bar two weeks into it
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 12:47 AM
1

Yeah, MetLife covers a fair bit. I do real estate and some estate planning, and it covers both of those right now. If it doesn't, it might be because it's a contempt motion or something, it's sorta ancillary to the whole divorce procedure, and hard to be effective as a one shot service for an attorney unfamiliar with the case
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 11:42 PM
1

Yeah, there are some 'free' legal services out there, but I don't know of any that are for men in divorce, especially for contempt motions
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 11:41 PM
1

It's funny how much a like can mean. My ex changed overnight, and I noticed on her next post there was some new guy liking it. Sure enough, it was the rando she had slept with at a bar and had a 2 month fling with after
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 11:39 PM
3

Yup, my wife got my money, she got a new to get more money, and he mother has money she'll get later as well. Whereas I've been under such a financial crunch since it started (I was laid off the day she left, and she had drained our bank account too prior) that I've not gotten to get that 'stress free' lifestyle yet
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 06:13 PM
2

Well, I don't know if avoiding marriage really gets you more blow jobs, per se. Getting a new GF rather than making your GF a Wife is how you get more BJs'. Women (for whatever reason) are always way more attracted to you at the start of the relationship. It's part of the reason they cheat. Marriage (and LTR in general) have only shown to drop their attraction to their men. So, if really, sex is all you care about it, best to just keep doing a series of 2-3 year relationships.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 05:13 PM
6

The moment divorce is mentioned in a marriage, it's over. Once that thoughts rolling around in someones head, it's never truly going to go away.
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 05:05 PM
4

Just read the bible. Women being cheaters and easily seduced by losers goes pretty much back to the beginning of society. Same with men being horn dogs
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 05:11 AM
2

It's nice to have someplace to see you're not crazy, as folks IRL either don't want to talk about what goes on here, or join in the evil on the other side
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 04:35 AM
2

Haha, yeah, with hindsight, it's easy to say for me too. It ended very, very suddenly, so I didn't exactly see a point looking back to go 'wow, yeah, I should've ended it there' But the earlier it would have ended, the better. We were together 10 years, married 7, and the sooner it ended the better off I'd have been right now. I guess the 'sweet' spot would have been around year 3 and not get married, which is..kinda sad, but unless you have kids, marriage is really an awful deal
/r/Divorce_Men02/03/24 04:35 AM
1

I dunno, to me it felt like getting laid off from an amazing job. Sure, I've got another job now, and yeah, I'm almost back to where I was; but if I hadn't gotten laid off, I'd be much further ahead.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 01:08 AM
3

I'd agree. I'll be two years out in July, but it's definitely way, way less than it was. First 10 weeks was basically non-functional, next 3 months were really bad, next 3 months were hard, but functional, next 6 months was a generally sadness, and after that, it's more like a dull ache that comes and goes throughout the day.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 01:07 AM
1

It's why our lives left the vast majority of times; it can do the same for a man.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 01:06 AM
1

Definitely. Every 'success' story I've seen is vast majority due to getting laid about. You know why she got over you so fast? Because she was fucking someone. It's why she got divorced. You want to get over her? You do the same thing she was doing. It works. No, ho'ing around will hurt your ability to have a deep relationship you might want, so I wouldn't recommend this to most people (even if it's pushed on everyone these days). But for folks in our position here? Damage is already done, that …
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 01:05 AM
1

Yeah, I don't see an issue with asking. Can at least help understand what the guy she's interested in might be going through, which influences behavior
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 12:59 AM
1

Kids are a big deal, and definitely don't want to go into it without a fully committed partner. Do you have a timetable here if that's something you want as well? You wouldn't want to waste your years waiting for him to get over something he might never get over, or force something in a spot it's going to end badly if so.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 12:35 AM
1

Actually higher these days. And infidelity studies have shown it's underreported. And that the majority of women who cheat on their husbands leave them. And a women leaving when she cheats on her husband isn't going to call that 'infidelity. So, women initate the significant majority of divorces. The signifnat majority of divorces involve infidelity. And the significant majority of women who cheat leave their husband. What is the obvious conclusion from the data? Cheating is rampart.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 12:34 AM
1

Err...emotionally? The only thing about not 'physically' committed I would take to mean you're asking do we think he's cheating? Hard to say, we don't have a ton of info. I will say no cheating red flags really mentioned, but could be others you didn't say, because you can't really say everything going on, takes too much time.
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 12:31 AM
1

By those standards, men shouldn't be married if they want to be valued. Glad we agree
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 12:26 AM
1

Yup. And I could understand (and would recommend) not making the effort. I suggest men do the same in there version when dealing with divorced women. (less about her being damaged, or more about she's already shown she will damage)
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 12:21 AM
3

The thing is, I thought the last girl was the right girl. And despite what anyone wants to say, our love and energy isn't infinite. There's a reason divorce rates go up the more partners you had prior. Can it happen? Sure, maybe. Am I taking an even bigger risk the second time? Definitely
/r/Divorce_Men01/03/24 12:18 AM
2

I will say, if you're talking about vaginismus, I've seen enough cases of it in Dead Bedrooms 'clear up' with a new partner to not think it doesn't have a heavy psychological side
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 02:26 AM
1

I'll say if you could sue AI for being wrong, they'd start getting a lot more shy about spouting off
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 02:22 AM
3

Thinking 'not getting my best' is 'being treated shitty' is the same thing says a lot about you, most of it bad.
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 02:15 AM
7

This, and it's a perfectly valid reason for not wanting to date a divorced man. I myself would never want to date a divorced women for other reasons. And I myself am sad that I gave my best of myself to someone who was awful to me in the end, and I quite literally can't do that for anyone else again.
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 02:14 AM
6

If you feel that way, end the relationship. Like you said, you aren't the one who hurt him, so you have no obligation to put up with it, so if it's not what you want from a relationship, don't be in it. You're probably not wrong, he likely did the world for his ex, and was horribly burned for doing so. Likely a survival mechanism, as it can almost kill you, and he might not even think he could take it again. Which is fine, for him. And fine for you not wanting to be the 'runner up' in his life. …
/r/Divorce_Men29/02/24 02:12 AM
5

That's my thoughts. While there are some obvious tells, they aren't in the population at large, and most the women who did this to us aren't 'unique' or 'evil' they're just...normal women. But yes, we can look at divorce stats and see some things we can control, but most of it is just luck.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 02:17 AM
1

I was also burned by the 'if you give a mouse a cookie' thing. Everytime I did something for her, that 'was all she ever wanted'...she wanted even more of it the next time. And sooner than the last time. Brand name stuff, vacations, houses, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 01:07 AM
2

Friends are a good tell. People are like their friends, if they're friends are lousy, they will be always pulled in that direction. Def agree with any 'high risk' activites, of which 'club' friends are one, and others like you said, male friends, 'thrist traps', etc
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 01:05 AM
2

My issue is any 'value' someone could add to my life is pretty contingent on their fidelity; I really don't need anything else from someone that's not attached to that. And that is something, especially at my age, that is long gone.
/r/Divorce_Men22/02/24 12:25 AM
2

Truth trickle is a thing, and from what I've seen and read, it's always 'just the tip' when they reveal any cheating
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 11:39 PM
2

Problem is, is much harder to tell which women are the lemon. Guys at least, it's obvious, though some women are attracted to that sour taste and marry them anyways while everyone shakes their head
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 11:36 PM
6

I sometimes felt my ex didn't marry me to use me per se, but she didn't marry me for 'me' but instead for that social media lifestyle. I was a good looking, successful, nice guy, who all her friends and family said she should marry. And she had no education or prospects, and loved spending time on social media, so pushed for marriage even though she wasn't 'in love' with me. I mostly think that because during our 10 years togeter, 7 married, after the first year things got slowly worse and it fe…
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 11:35 PM
1

I'm not from a divorced family, and my marriage had no kids, so no firsthand experience. However, some of my friends come from divorced households, and while they all say how awful it was at the start, decades later it's 'mostly' civil.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 11:31 PM
6

My issue was my ex had appreciation for me while dating, then after about a year of marriage, it started turning into entitlement. She got better after about a 3 year downward slope, but the damage was done I fear
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 11:29 PM
1

I'm sure there are definite things that have an impact, but it can be hard to tell what exactly they are, as things like 'daddy issues' are hard to quantify for studies, or know if someone really has them. Technically, body count has a massive impact on divorce rates, but it's not something you're going to get honesty on, so no real use as a metric.
/r/Divorce_Men21/02/24 11:28 PM
3

You give her absolutely nothing a judge hasn't told you have to give, and cut her out of your life, block her number, social media, etc. And if you signed a decent separation agreement, you should be done with her, and shouldn't need to ever speak to her again. Sounds like if you gave her the house though that wasn't the best move, but past is the past
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 10:56 PM
4

I can understand, I guess. If I had some woman do what my ex did to me, it'd be hard not to fall into the same trap again
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 12:54 AM
5

July will make two years for me, and I still can't say I don't love her. I never want to see her again, and told her to not contact me anymore last time she did it 3 months again, but hard to kill those 10 years of memories. My marriage was good, it went from best it ever been to dead literally overnight, and I'm still processing that
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 12:40 AM
3

What would be the evolutionary purpose of that?
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 12:37 AM
4

It's not that men won't forgive women who cheat, it's that once a women cheats she is 100% done with you. It's just how it works. A man can cheat and still love his wife, and it puts the ball in her court if she wants to forgive and move on. A woman can't cheat and still love her husband
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 12:36 AM
5

I do worry about it. It seems literally ever 'success' story I see on here involves 'finding a new, hotter, woman who gives me tons of sex and no drama' as the only real victory condition. But you know why most of us got here? Our girlfriends were hot, sexy women who fucked all the time and didn't bitch at us. Not saying it's going to go the same route but....there is a reason divorce rates are 50% higher for second marriages. Guys just really want to feel like their divorce had an 'upside' and …
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 12:35 AM
5

The other option if they're being 'honest' is basically 'super hot guy, but abs aren't visible' meaning they don't understand what a 'dad bod' is. It's like when they say 'I like geeky guys' it's 'I won't turn down a hot guy if they're into geeky stuff'
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 12:24 AM
2

Definitely is, it's the reason you see some wives say they like 'dad bods'
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 12:20 AM
3

Yeah, I noticed even before the divorce that. The first 36 hours or so she was gone on a trip, it was video games, tv, and food she hates, non stop! But that life really doesn't have the lasting appeal it did for me in my 20's; really just wanted an evening here and there to geek out, not a life of it.
/r/Divorce_Men20/02/24 12:19 AM
2

Yup. Early on, they'll love you when you don't deserve it. Once the tingles wear off, they'll hate you even if you're amazing
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 11:44 PM
7

Yup, my ex hated tons of things, like mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, etc, and if she knew I had some, it basically turned her off the entire evening. Didn't matter if I brushed my teeth and mouthwashed a dozen times, no kissing, no sex, not even cuddling on the couch. After a few months of her gone, I had that same realization, and pretty much ate burgers for a month stragiht.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 11:40 PM
1

I wonder if this is present for guys in their 20's dating women in their 20's. I could see it being some 'sugar baby' thing if this was women in their 20's doing it to me, but the one woman I've gone out with 10 years younger than me wanted the least financially from me, she just wanted to be a ho. It's women in their 30's doing it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 11:26 PM
2

Definitely, never even crossed my mind. Left me extremely vulnerable when she divorced for a variety of reasons. It's funny how we can't 'light switch' like they can. So many guys, me included, refuse to realize that the only reason she left is she got fucked or wants to get fucked by another dick, and that she's never coming back. So we continue to make it even worse for ourselves for months, sometimes years, until that's drilled into us. And we still don't get so far into hate as they got in m…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 11:25 PM
8

Cuckold stuff is pushed hard these days
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 05:48 AM
6

The nuisance comment is so right. Within hours of cheating, that was exactly how she started treating me.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 03:32 AM
3

I wouldn't give you flack, I'd probably state it in ever stronger, more definitive terms, but I 100% agree with the idea.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 03:31 AM
4

Yup, one of my best friends literally met someone and got engaged while I was with my ex, and his fiancé thought I wasn't real because she had never seen me in the two years they had been together. But my ex didn't like my friends (or her friends really) and pretty much reduced our social circle down to just us over 10 years. She managed to create a whole new social circle within months of leaving, and I had to basically reappear in my friends and family life after years away
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 03:11 AM
1

Gotta listen to friends, as they almost always go waaaay beyond what their friends are actually worth. So if friends trash talk someone, you know they're bad. We had a similar situation with a girl I went on a few dates with. It didn't work out with us, and two weeks later she goes out with another of our friends we all warned her was a total fuckboy. Well, she fucks him, thinks he's her true love, and well, he was screwing other women before he went out with her, during when he went out with he…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 03:09 AM
2

Gotcha. Sadly that behavior is normal. There was one time I came back in town to visit my friend. He came out to the bar with his GF and one of her friends, as he was always trying to set me up. (prior to my ex, I really didn't meet anyone I wanted to date, but he loved to try). When it's clear I wasn't interested, his GF and her friend went off to flirt with guys at the bar, and even having one of them 'drop his GF off at home' on the way to taking to the GF friend to his house. Needless to say…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 03:09 AM
6

Well, good to get that stuff out of the way early at least, rather than what happened with our exes. But I've noticed that for my mid-life dating; women expecting me to pay for their lifestyle. Like, when I was dating in my 20's, yeah, it was expected I'd pay for all the dating things. Buy gifts, that sort of thing. But expecting paying bills, even rent? That would have been unheard of, but I've seen it enough times now to see it's an idea that's out there.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 03:05 AM
3

I've uh, not had that issue, haha.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 03:03 AM
8

I can relate. My ex said she cheated on me because 'I made my life all about her' meaning I did exactly what you did. Wanted to quit her job, I worked harder so she didn't have too. Didn't want to do chores, so I did all those too and hired out what I couldn't. Wanted to go on fancy vacations more than we should, and I made it happen. Wanted to eat out all the time, so we did and didn't save money. Wanted to spend bonus's on brand name stuff, so I did. I've found doing everything your wife wants…
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 03:02 AM
3

This, 100%. No downside to doing it, maybe upside.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 03:00 AM
2

Yup, it's different, while a wife will almost never stay after she cheats if she has any choice in the matter, wives will frequently stay with a husband who cheats on them.
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 03:00 AM
8

Yup. It's dicey if she's at the point where she's putting herself into high-risk new dick situations if it's even possible then. But once she's actually had new dick, it's 100% over. And she'll feel righteous about cheating. And society and especially her friends and family will support this feeling. So, the moment she cheats, you need to understand she's no longer your wife, but instead the person who has done the worst thing to you that any ever has, or will, do, and act appropriately
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 02:58 AM
2

No
/r/Divorce_Men19/02/24 02:56 AM
1

I'm not so sure; I've seen this story so much, I don't think something like 10% of the women out there have BPD. (and that's being generous, I feel this situations we have here are closer to 25%)
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 06:27 PM
4

The one saving grace I had with my ex was that we didn't need to get attorney involved, as she was so deep in her affair fog she wanted to get a separation agreement signed 6 weeks after she cheated. She a year later would say I tricked her and stole the house from him, but she got way more out of it than I did.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 06:23 PM
1

It can be, depending on what your current attorney has done. Think of it kinda like trying to finish the wiring job someone else has done; often it's easier to just tear it out and start over than figure out what the heck their plan was.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 06:22 PM
5

It's always over a new dick (Disclaimer; yes, some very small % it's not, but if you're going to argue over the sub 1% and ignore the 99%, go sit down and think if that makes sense.)
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 06:21 PM
4

I had that too, in a way. Two tiers. The first was when she separated, starting on the night she began her affair with a rando in a bar. Total change in everything, but still some communication and the 'i love you, but not in love with you' type stuff. 5 Months later was the 2nd, when original rando AP cheated on her, and she was going through the tinder backlog until she found a guy to move in with. Now that she had zero need of me for anything, total non communication and haven't talked since.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 06:20 PM
12

I think we almost all have. It's a necessary part for them to move on to the next dick.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 06:10 PM
1

As a former litigator, it matters a ton on knowing the judge. The majority of what you hire an attorney for is their relationship with the judge, and to an extent, the other attorney's in the bar. We definitely did not like out of county attorney, but we were a beach town, so we didn't have a lot of new faces.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:51 AM
1

Definitely agree the sooner the better for them to pull this crap. It'd be so much easier if this had happened in year 5 for me instead of year 10
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:49 AM
2

I understand that as well. My 2 year mark is coming up in July. I couldn't eat or sleep for 10 weeks, last half my hair and 60 lbs. For everyone else, it'll just be another day. For me, it was the worst day of my life.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:48 AM
1

I think it's distinctive enough to be different terms. Co-Parenting is we make decisions on what we should do with the kids, even when with each other. Parallel parenting is I'm going to do whatever I want when the kid is with me, I'm not going to even tell you, let alone ask you, what to do.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:47 AM
1

I'm not sure how long it has to last, but my old job as 3 couples were they both cheated on spouses and ended up together. All 3 are still together, one's been almost 20 years. The funny thing was just how they talk so justified about it; the almost 20 year one, she was married in law school, took a job in another city, went ahead her husband to start work while he could follow, and within 3 months hooked up with a married bar tender.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:45 AM
3

If she left, she's done, and she's never coming back. That's all you need. If she does 'come back' it's just because she was unable to secure anything long term elsewhere and doesn't have enough resources solo, and you're being used as a plate warmer while she looks for her next spot.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:42 AM
1

July will be about 2 years for me, and I still dream about my ex. Sometimes erotic, but usually not.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:40 AM
3

Delulu is the Solulu.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:39 AM
2

It's sorta a Prisoner Dilemma type thing. The best thing is for neither of you to use a 'real' attorney and just agree. However, the first one to hire an attorney will get a leg up. And obviously, this is divorce, so it's a situation you should have zero trust. So you pretty much need to get an attorney.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:38 AM
2

Yup. The hardest thing to understand is that once she leaves, it's over. She only left because she wanted another dick, and once she had another dick in her, she's done with you forever. So we kill ourselves trying to save something that's unsavable, when the moment it happens, we need to cut off literally everythign and treat her like what she is: the person whose done the worst thing to you that ever has or will be done.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:36 AM
1

This. I really don't think its as premediated as some think. I think that's a revisionist mindset they use to justify doing evil to mitigate the mental stress to themselve.s
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:34 AM
1

I can def relate. Not even at 2 years and I'm still not good. Better than I was the first year, but still, not in a great place. I'm also bothered by the fact I'll be 'over it' I'll be in my 40's and too old for that family I always wanted. Sucks when they take 10 years like that.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:33 AM
1

I've found it good to get over someone, but it does damage you. In our situations, I feel the damage can be worth it. Sorta like searing a wound. It's not something I'd recommend to someone unharmed, but for us? It's not always a bad idea
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:31 AM
1

July will be 2 years for me, and I still haven't full processed it. I eventually got to the point where I just don't think about it. The first year, it was constantly on my mind every second, as it just doesn't 'check out' in anyway my mind could understand. These days, I'll see something that reminds me of our 10 years together that literally ended from our highest to our lowest overnight, and I just get am empty ache inside, and I just ignore it until it passes
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:30 AM
1

Yeah, as someone who just re-did all that stuff, insurance it wasn't much different single. Phone bills a little higher, but again, only paying for one so it comes out less, and she didn't work, so I paid everything anyways. The first year I got screwed on the taxes and lost 5k as she wouldn't file with me, that stung, especially as she drained our bank account on the way out plus I gave her 5k from my 401k (all it had) to get her started when she left. Not sure what else married discounts are o…
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:28 AM
5

I don't think I'm clear on the situation; your wife left with another guy, so you went out to get some drinks with a friend to talk it out? Or, while you were out getting drinks with a friend, she left with another guy and was gone when you got back? Or you were out with a friend drinking, and said friend left the bar with another guy?
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:25 AM
1

I had to change my IG pick to something random, as once I changed it from my ex and I to just me, I started getting lots of scam DM's. And I've definitely had some scammers, even here, try some stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:22 AM
1

My therapist definitely said those things, haha. It was very much 'blame my wife' was her motto
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:20 AM
3

Yup, my experience with therapy was it was more about 'feeding me' so to speak. It was nice to have someone to talk too, as I couldn't talk about it without friends/family at the time, but the actual therapy portion was uh...it got better when I stopped
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:19 AM
1

It's pretty much this. It's an inherent nature we're gas lit into not even being able to talk about
/r/Divorce_Men18/02/24 05:10 AM
1

I don't get it either, just a random guy at a bar on a girls trip. But, I've had friends cheat on bachelor trips with strippers. I think the lesson is we shouldn't put ourselves into high-risk infidelity situations.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 02:19 AM
1

It's taken me a while to accept. Reproduction is our most basic, primal portion of our being, and marriage stems from that. Expecting our most animal part to be 'rational' is a losing game
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/24 02:18 AM
1

You hit it on the head; a good partner is making sure not to put themselves into situations where you could feel tingles.
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/24 12:30 AM
2

I'm not sure, the only time I've seen personally what you're desorbing is with one of my best friends, but he did cheat on his wife and she 'forgave' him, but she basically will never, ever let him be out of her sight.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 11:51 PM
1

I don't know, if you have significant pre marriage assets, a pre-nup could help, I think. I believe a big part of it is they realize they don't have to try anymore, as they already have everything and can take it when they leave. If matters are conditioned on them staying in the marriage, I think they would try harder. But pre-nups have limitations, provide limited protection the further out marriage goes, and, this might be a bonus, but you it weeds relationships out early. You want it signed a…
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 11:47 PM
2

It's hard for us to accept. But necessary.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 01:00 PM
1

While I enjoyed my marriage, the change from appreciation for my efforts, to entitlements toward them, was unmistakable.
/r/Divorce_Men12/02/24 12:59 PM
2

I work with those feelings in the same way I'd manage losing a leg. Basically, there is no chance of 'what if' no matter how much I want it. Leg is gone, ain't coming back. It's like that for your relationship. It's dead, no matter how much or whatever you think you could do. So you just take that pain, realize it's just pain and there isn't anything to do about it, and keep living as best you can
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 10:13 PM
7

So much this. I was able to get away with out having to go to court over alimony due to her just wanting to fuck her new guy(s) without everyone knowing she was a whore. She is now proud of being a whore, so that wouldn't have worked if I waited a year rather than getting it signed in 6 weeks.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 10:11 PM
8

Sure is. Once the divorce is done, it's done. Any claims for equitable distrubtion, alimony, etc, need to be raised prior in court. They can outlive the marriage, of course, but you can't start it after it's over. Unless you have some really awful written sepearation agreement, you should be fine. My ex also came back whining about how the agreement was unfair as well once the affair fog wore off.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 10:10 PM
7

Rough having kids; I couldn't imagine having to spend time near my ex; I doubt she can either, she doesn't want to get near me so she can pretend she was some victim rather than a whore.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 10:09 PM
4

I'd agree, except you weren't supposed to read her mind. He mind probably didn't change until a new guy entered it, and by that point, it's too late. It's literally a nothing you could have done type of situation.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 10:08 PM
5

100% this. It's the case so often it's not worth racking your mind for alternatives to avoid the big obvious truth.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 10:07 PM
3

You jest, but without absolute zero self reflectionthey will believe their husband needs to do XYZ but it's sexist to expect anything from them. Note I say 'husband' as if it's a new D, well, zero expectations, give him more than they will ever give their husband. Which is part of the reason we get married, because when that is US we think it'll last.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 08:57 PM
1

Hard to give an answer, it's pretty individual woman dependent, but yes, on average, women LOVE to travel. No good advice, I was sorta bled dry like you said while dating and marriage, always trying to keep my wife happy with all the things she wanted and wanted to do. Came into the marriage with over a 100k an no debt, left with no money and 40k in debt. Like most things, you can 'get away' with more early on, but eventually most will get tired of 'affordable' bed and breakfast's or whatever, a…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 08:43 PM
5

I hear so many of my friends wives say things like that. Like...you can't imagine a man saying to women 'if she won't fuck, cook, and clean, why do I need her?'
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 08:39 PM
4

Yup, my wife said she 'couldn't' work during our marriage due to mental health issues, but once she left, had no trouble going right back to work.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 08:23 PM
6

Basically, you were married, and felt you had to do all of this crap to get lousy sex. It's shown, at best, zero impact on wives attraction to husbands, and more often, actually shown to lower it. But it wasn't going to help you get sex anyways, as shown by how much they'll rail total randos who have done literally nothing for them. It's just the nature of the beast, sadly. Wives rapidly lose attraction to their husbands, no matter what the husband does, in the VAST majority of marriages. The re…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 08:03 PM
4

Exactly, all that stuff you said you 'had' to do? That just kills their sex drive even more.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 06:43 PM
5

Never got to that point, thankfully, as I live in a state where cheating bars alimony, and I told her we'd have to go trial if she wanted alimony and I'd go hard to prove she cheated. I'm not sure if I could, as she lied and lied about it, and while I have pictures of them on tons of dates and in hotel rooms, I was stupid and didn't check her accounts before I confronted her, so I didn't have 'hard' evidence. At the time, she didn't want anyone to know, so we instead put a clause in our agreemen…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 06:33 PM
4

Definitely right on stop simping. My ex had an overseas affair for 10 weeks, and I believed her 'i need time to think' We had access to each other's everything, but I 'didn't want to abuse her trust' so I didn't touch her PC or email or anything the entire time. Could have gotten stuff in there that would have made the divorce easier
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 06:02 PM
5

The judge will make a degermation of what she 'should' be able to make, and use that for alimony calculation. Even if she doesn't actually work, for calculation purposes, it's 'assumed' she is. For my ex, as she had no college education and had only worked retail, it was just minimal wage. As for how this is 'proven' how much she should be making, eh, that's a lot tricker.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 05:50 PM
8

That, and it's a hard fact that your relationship will get worse for you after marriage. So it needs to be REALLY GOOD when you get married so you have room to fall. That's not even getting into 'divorce' crap either
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 05:46 PM
7

Yup, it always scares me when I see guys saying 'I'm doing great, got this hot young lady, way better than my ex' as if that wasn't our ex at the beginning, too. As for why get married, well, women know their worth; you won't find a significantly large number who will stick around without getting commitment from you.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 05:30 PM
1

Just looking for sex, or is the conversation rate really that low in the 30's, haha
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 05:11 PM
7

What? Man, if you think of your GF as a meat suit, I think it's time to move on, that doesn't sound good.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 04:54 PM
1

I don't want this to turn into dead bedrooms/hlc, where it's just all about the yay cheating
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 05:59 AM
5

I only ever was with my wife as well, married for 10 years for my first long term GF. Ex also did the cheating on me. July will be 2 years, and honestly, still not really in a position for a serious relationship. When you've only ever had sex with one person for decades, and they betray you like that, it takes a while to clear up.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 05:57 AM
24

It's hard to accept, but it's about a new dick. I know, you'll think of everyone reason why she's the exception to the rule, that you did X wrong, or she wouldn't do Z, or whatever. But what she's saying? That's always new dick. If it was something else that was you're issue it'd be 'you're alcoholic' or something. You'd know with 100% certainty why this was happening. If you have uncertanity, it's new dick. Now, your behavior may have weakened her attraction which made her susciptable to the bu…
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 05:51 AM
7

I'll put judgment, total POS move, etc. But agree with the advice; if the situation was reverse, you'd be shown no mercy, so I can't really say you should show any quarter either, despite whose at fault.
/r/Divorce_Men11/02/24 05:47 AM
2

This. Their mind literally won't let them, so they'll think of stuff as far fledged as 'I was thinking this for years' or whatever. Just read up on the light switch effect
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 09:14 PM
6

I really don't get those folks who try to act like those guys are blameless. It's also listed as a sin for a reason
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 09:06 PM
3

Yup, from my experience, you get about 18-30 months of 'happy GF' at best where she'll treat you amazing even though you're not doing much of anything special. You can extend that 2-3 years with a 'engagement' then 'wedding' upgrade, at which point, you'll be doing exponential more than you were in the 'happy gf' stage but someone are being treated worse
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:57 PM
2

In this day and age, losing your soul is a feature, not a bug
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:56 PM
6

Yup, all of us got married thinking 'we're not not going to lose this coin flip!'
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:55 PM
5

Yup, it's far more often than not the reason a marriage ends
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:54 PM
3

Hmm...you'd probably have a better read on something as specific on this in a dating sub maybe? Maybe a NYC sub? There probably with a city that size one specific for NYC dating, maybe even 40+ I really don't know, haha
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:53 PM
2

The only time I've ever (including a few years as a family law attorney) seen a wife admit she made a mistake by leaving for new dick is, like you said, women very late in their lives, now that dick is off the mind, looking back at how they lived.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:51 PM
1

I mean, of course it's not, that majority of marriages don't have things like this happen. But it is more than a quarter, which is a scary high number
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:50 PM
12

I've not noticed a lot of karma, evil people tend to do evil things, and often, are celebrated for their acts by society. That's life
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:49 PM
6

This is the accurate answer.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:48 PM
1

I don't even think that's true at all. I think that's literally more lies they tell themselves and everyone as well, accountability and all that. 100% bullshit
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 07:45 PM
6

I've always though the need to be able to move onto a new man quickly when your's dies, sometimes by said new man you're moving onto, is why they can just flip a switch and not love you anymore
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 04:23 PM
7

Nine years here. I'm still struggling to recover, she's already found a new guy to take care of her ontop of what she took from me. Boggles my mind how this state of the fundamental part of society is just accepted and even celebrated
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 04:08 AM
1

Yup, when I had picture's of her in a hotel with him, she said 'we went there to talk about God' like....the most pathetic lies. She agreed we'd try and work things out, then two days later went to another hotel to talk about God again.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 04:05 AM
4

And that coldness doesn't come without her replacing you in her heart.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 04:04 AM
9

That's pretty much what I've come too. Unless you want kids, it's an awful idea to get married. If it makes you feel better, what happened to you has happened to many men. Less than half, but more than a quarter.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 03:57 AM
1

Ah, gotcha. I guess the only 'silver lining' is it's not quite as lopsided as it used to be when a woman was the higher earner. Still not equal, at all, but...it's getting better? Maybe in 20 more years?
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/24 12:10 AM
0

Agreed. And I did try. Maybe it works better if you grew up in it, but it wasn't a helpful 6 months for me.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:43 PM
2

The more that is said each reply, the more apparent it is what really happened.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:39 PM
6

It hits a nerve, as it's been shown time and time again (even by studies) to not have been the reason. So...when it's used as a reason, we know it's not the reason. Which calls everything else into question. Next, 4/5 wives file, and well over half of divorces are due infidelity. (whether the partner admits to themselves what they did counts) And personally, as someone whose done family law, I've never, ever seen a wife admit to fault in a divorce. I have many personal knowledge on what happened…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:39 PM
1

Do you think the elves are angry after the xmas rush, or is that a time for them to rest up? Maybe depends on the elf. I don't think much about them beyond Will Ferrell
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:35 PM
2

Earlier the better. I guess at some point, it's okay late as well. But getting you at the mid point is probably the worst
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:15 PM
11

We'll see, I did enjoy my married life more than my single life. But I never had the bad marriage I've read some guys here about, I guess I got 'lucky' I caught my wife cheating right after she started, and didn't sit there for a year wondering 'why does my wife hate me all the sudden'
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:11 PM
2

Nothing about that unless we want a private sub.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:09 PM
1

I just looked over it, and the real her is coming out when pushed, so I have serious reservations on the initial post's honesty.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:09 PM
3

I'd feel it petty if my ex came after me $40 bucks a month. Like, seriously, you want us to have some connection to each other over $40 bucks?
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:07 PM
3

I'm not sure which is more depressing, due to the widespread nature and the sheer repetition of the same bad behavior amongst a large population. That it's intentional, or something makes it so habitually it' operating subconsciously.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:06 PM
3

Yeah, I would say I've not yet seen a single positive comment from a women, just more of the same lies we point out to 'newbies' not to believe as they're going through this. I'm not sure they're even aware of what they're doing
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:05 PM
1

It really is, and they always got so upset when I mentioned they were acting like the adultery reddit. But it was a bunch of thirsty men looking for women wanting validation. Like...very juvenile stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 11:04 PM
2

I was with my wife for 10 years, and we had a 15 month dead bedroom pretty much smack in the middle of that. So I had spent some time on that sub. I eventually pulled away because it was at times basically r\/adultery \, so I'm not shocked by what you said
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 01:15 PM
1

Yeah, I can see the younger thing being an issue. I've done a very little bit of dating the last 3 months, and the younger women I've met, it seems expecting them not to sleep around is misogynistic or something. It's just what they want to do. Don't get me wrong, the one woman 12 years younger I went on a few dates with was the 'best' dates I've been on, but despite her saying she 'wants to settle down' she still wanted to go out and go grind it up at night clubs and drink constantly. My ex was…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 03:28 AM
1

Time, I guess. First 10 weeks, lost almost 70 lbs and half my hair, couldn't eat or sleep. Next 10 weeks I tried doing every possible thing I could of to save the marriage while she kept saying 'I'm thinking about it, I don't want to talk right now' Next 3 months, she cut off in person contact with me, and just communicated by phone, ending by saying she doesn't want to talk about it, she doesn't have to tell me anything, and was blocking me. Didn't see her for 3 more months, I spent it just wor…
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 02:00 AM
1

Over the worst of it, at least. Before, I was frantic trying to think of some way to save my marriage. I know no there is no way, and there never was. I still miss who she was, but she's not that person anymore. If I was a women, I'd be ashamed how easily a dick rewrites my entire personality
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 01:38 AM
1

Haha, I sorta did that. My wife left July 22, blocked me Jan 23, and I just sent her Texts as a sort of journal; they don't go anywhere, and texts don't get saved up, but it helped for a bit. I haven't done that since November.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 01:09 AM
1

Heh, I like that. Definitely the reason for vast majority of divorces.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 01:05 AM
4

When I found out, we talked for hours and agreed to try and work things out. Two days later, she went back and cheated with the same guy again.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 01:05 AM
2

It's funny how it's the same for all of us. I've come to the conclusion that without heavy, HEAVY evidence otherwise, women always leave for new dick.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 01:04 AM
3

It's never just one time.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 01:03 AM
6

Yup, I had pictures of her in a hotel room with a guy, and she still denies it.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 01:03 AM
5

From my time spent on the deadbedroom subs, many times the 'deadbedroom' was because the spouse was cheating. People don't lose their sex drive at any useful number. They do massively lose their attraction for their spouse.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 01:02 AM
10

I do love how being uncomfortable with your spouse engaging in high risk infidelity behavior is now being called 'insecure'. But yup, if she gets weird all the sudden, it's probably cheating. If she leaves you all of the sudden, it's definitely cheating.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 01:01 AM
1

Pretty much what I did. I haven't looked at them since I did it, but it hasn't even been a year.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 12:59 AM
9

I don't know if that's the reason, but it's without question that is how it works for them. I don't know exactly the 'why' or the 'how' it operates, but we can't deny the 'what' is happening.
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 12:58 AM
1

Well, you probably wouldn't have kids in this situation, as you didn't want to get married
/r/Divorce_Men09/02/24 12:54 AM
6

I'm 19 months out, and I don't miss my ex anymore. I miss our old life, our marriage, but not her. That took awhile, 7 months out, I was still missing her, I even sent her a birthday gift, haha. If it helps, no, she doesn't miss you, and yes, she's being railed, likely by multiple guys she left. Accepting that, if you haven't, is key to moving on.
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 02:32 AM
2

I was with my ex for almost 10 years, and it was the very first 'girls trip' she went on it happened. The really only thing that bothers me, is I was going to go with her originally, but I work in the real estate biz, and the interest rates were climbing, and for job reasons, it would have looked real bad to take a month off work. While we could have cancelled her tickets, she really still wanted to go, as she hadn't seen said 'girl friends' in almost 12 years. I told her it was fine, and the da…
/r/Divorce_Men08/02/24 12:22 AM
1

Yup, I've got a way too big house now due to buying a house in 2021 and her leaving 2 months later, but it takes me less time to clean than our old house 2/3 the size. During the week, I just clean up after I cook, and the weekends I hit up the floors/bathrooms/laundry/trash and I'm normally done in 2-3 hours.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 11:36 PM
1

It's a much higher percentage of the dating pool when you're older, sadly. But, as fellow who had a 'girls trip' end his marriage, and has had another friend get cheated on at a 'girs night' staying out late, that behavior is just cheating behavior, exit relationship immediately.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 11:34 PM
3

Because she wanted to bang other dudes, and you were in the way of that. Children are in the way bit, but it's managable.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 11:29 PM
1

Well, I'd say even if most wives leave due to cheating, not all wives leave, after all. Half of marriages end in divorce, and only 4/5 of those is the wife leaving. Still leaves a lot of successful marriages. We were just on the wrong side. That said, all those good women? They're still in those relationships, obviously, and as a guy, you'll have a lot harder time finding a 'diamond in the rough' lady for round 2 than a women would finding some guy who got passed over.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 11:28 PM
2

I feel like I lost 'the one' or, well, she might not have been 'the only one' but she took up the portion of my life where I was to meet 'the one' and know its...well, it's a well trod topic and not really on topic, but not as great, haha.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 11:26 PM
3

I didn't even ask for that, and it was too much, lol
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 11:25 PM
2

Definitely, my ex even talking about a budget would trigger her, so I had to try to keep up with everything with also somehow not letting her know how much money we had. I mean, she had access to our account and could look anytime, she just didn't want to know anything as it would stress her out.
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 11:24 PM
1

There's not a ton, as gay marriage is a pretty recent thing. I guess gay marriages right now have about half the divorce rate of lesbian marriages, but we'll need a good 40 year period to see how these things really go long term. Many of us were in happy marriages that ended horribly longer than it's even been really legal nationwide
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 11:23 PM
3

Yup, my ex quit her job 6 weeks into marriage, never worked the next 7 years, and I did every chore except cooking, which she did about twice a week. And that was usually just ramen. Choreplay is a joke amongst folks because, well, it's just such an obvious lie
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 11:21 PM
2

Yup, it was clear from the moment she cheated she done, looking back. But like an idiot I tried for a good 6 months more. Overnight from 'I love you' too 'I can't even stand for you to touch my shoulder'
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 11:19 PM
2

What I've found is that needs ARE being met, there is nothing to communicate, they just want to get new D. But they understand that's 'wrong' so, well, we get the crap like 'i've been thinking of this for months' when its' more 'I got tingles and acted on it'
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 03:15 AM
3

I feel it. Just recently got a new job myself after basically having zero money after bills and divorce crap. Have to move for it, so maybe new city will be good for me, but I'm leaving the only place I've lived my entire life. Also with you on wishing I could hate her. At the very start, before I even knew she was cheating and she said 'she needed time to think' she said 'this would be easier if you hated me'. New job will pay about 25% more than the job I had when were married (I got laid off …
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/24 03:08 AM
2

I agree. There is a reason it is just as much a sin in the Bible as the adulterer themselves. If there is karma, hell, justice, whatever, it will come for them.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 11:20 PM
1

Some get off on; mine wife's AP was posting the pics on their social media, which is how I even found out about as my ex was trying to hide it.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 11:19 PM
4

'Married to a boy crazy 16 year old' is accurate. I've noticed even in my brief foray into dating as a late 30's man, recently separated women are incredibly thirsty.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 11:06 PM
2

Yup, we can guess at 'why' it's like this, but it's certainly 'what' it's like.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 10:47 PM
4

Or, the far more likely thing, its biology unconstrained and supported by society.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 04:05 AM
2

I didn't even ask for it back, I just asked her what she had done with it, and she exploded. Wouldn't even tell me it was in a drawer or something
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 12:25 AM
2

Hopefully it's the AP or something. If it's some random guy...nevermind, I know better than to get serious with a divorced woman, so he kinda deserves what comes.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 12:23 AM
9

I'll first say, and I know many disagree here, the people who sleep with our spouses are just as bad. You could argue worse if you wanted, but at least just as bad, so I take solace they will get quality time with Satan. But more on topic, I did some capital defense at the very beginning of my career. Even those murderers, who did the most heinous things, did not think they did anything wrong. If they could justify it, they would, if they couldn't, they would deny it and act like it never happen…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 12:22 AM
2

Ah, for the first 3 months of 11, when she had blocked me on everything but the last time we spoke in person said 'I'll think about it' I sat there wondering 'okay, are we done? Are we going to try? Should I act like i'm divorced?' Once she filed, I thought it was pretty clear we were done, but just took so long to serve my I sat around thinking 'did she change her mind or something? were we going to talk before this?' Answer turned out to be now, she had gotten serious with one of the many guys…
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 12:18 AM
0

And the 'real' issues I've found aren't even 'real'.
/r/Divorce_Men06/02/24 12:16 AM
2

My ex filed for divorce the literal first day she could (without telling me, last I had spoke to her 3 months prior she had said 'I'll think about it) but took over 8 months to actually serve me. I'm not sure what the issue was, if she had really wanted to wait until our wedding anniversary to do so (which she did) or if she just didn't understand she had to do more than just file. But yeah, there was an 11 month limbo period there where weren't divorced but didn't talk. (still haven't, but divo…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 10:44 PM
6

Yup, my friends always say 'she will realize her mistake and regret it' etc, and while maybe she would, she would never, ever show that to anyone.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 10:42 PM
4

Yup, my ex when she would still talk would say I 'stole' the house from her, when I gave her literally everything she wanted as quickly as she wanted. She's just upset because her AP overseas moved on from her before she could get back to him, and when she monkeybranched to another guy here, she realized she would rather have had done it differentyl.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 10:41 PM
4

I'll promise you this; nothing you could have did could have stopped it; you could only have ended it on your terms sooner.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:14 AM
1

Maybe thinks she'll just marry the new guy soon, so why bother going through all the trouble to change names if she's just going to do it again soon?
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:14 AM
5

Not sure about TX, but generally, it would be calculated based on the years together. Whether that is based on current value or what it would be later (as it'll likely be a lot more since most are based on ending salary) is another story. Typically, you determine how much it's worth right now for 8 years, and buy her out at that price if possible
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:12 AM
3

My ex is keeping my name, but she just said it's because it was such a pain to change. She's engaged to another guy, and I bet she'll change it once they get married. (It's not even two years since she cheated and left in July 2022, and it's not the same guy she had an affair with) It doesn't bother me at all, my last name is super common (hers is too, fwiw).
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:11 AM
3

Wow, haha, that is almost my exact story. Did the same. Found out about affair, broke me, couldn't eat or sleep for 10 weeks, lost half my hair and 60 lbs. I also did the 'this makes no sense' 'our life was great' 'we have so many amazing memories' pick me dance like you, as I tried to make sense of her 'reasons' and it took me way too long to understand her reason was she wanted to get fucked by new Dicks, and well, the way it works is that means she doesn't love me anymore. I also helped her t…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:09 AM
7

If it makes you feel any better, I'd bet as much money as anyone would let me that it wasn't just 'emotional cheating' so if that was a deal breaker for you, you didn't do anything wrong.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 05:00 AM
5

I can definitely relate to the vacation being a temporary fix. I also did the choreplay thing, didn't help. But my ex refused any sort of therapy or counseling, but it might be worth a shot. Generally divorce ain't much fun if you can salvage it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 04:58 AM
6

Wives talk all the time about 'chores' 'equal partner' 'mental/emotional load' (we even have one come in here and talk about that) as their biggest concerns, but honestly, I've not seen that ever help anything, or any study suggesting it does. I did the same, wife was unhappy with life, did literally everything for her, all it did was end with her sleeping with someone else. Funny thing is, she still does literally the exact same things now she used too, but she says she's happy now. Guess it re…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 04:57 AM
2

Still in the legal field, just managed to get into an in-house counsel role at a start up company. I was in Prosecution in a small beach town, but took a job doing Real Estate during the boom as my wife wanted to live in the big city. Went well for about 3.5 years, then the cheating and left me, and I was laid off from work the next day. Spiraled hard for awhile, was basically without money, had to take a job paying half of what I was making. And I stayed at that job for a full year, as I just w…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 04:54 AM
3

From my experience though, they don't find a guy who 'gives them the world' like they think, they just fuck guys who even do less than their husbands, but they convince themselves its their decision so it's better somehow? It really doesn't make much logical sense, but attraction isn't rational and we here are trying to make it rational.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 12:14 AM
3

I'll say everything mentioned, I hear my female friends complain about all the time. However, from all the divorces I've dealt with in my time (and it was my job for a bit) none of those are why the wives left. So, wives really do want that, but it's at best completely unrelated to them staying in the marriage, as that's attraction based. And I've seen some evidence that 'simping' like that actually lowers attraction.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 12:13 AM
5

I felt the same, and honestly, still feel the same. I went the opposite route somewhat, massive weight loss. But I had the job loss, depression, total lack of interest in everything, can't sleep, etc. Took over a year, but I just force myself. Still don't enjoy anything, but I tell myself if at some point I do start enjoying myself, I will be happy I spent time keeping in shape and getting my career better, so I can move on. And if I never feel better? Well, it's all the same shit, I might as we…
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 12:10 AM
7

My ex wanted to do the same, stay together while getting divorced, i.e. I keep supporting her for another year. I held firm on NC rules saying we can't do that, and I won't lie to the judge that we were 'living apart' so if she wanted a divorce she'd have to move out, but I wanted to work things out. She left the next day.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 12:07 AM
1

Yeah, my MIL was good as well, and still 'on my side' for what it's worth. Now that my ex is living with someone else and about to get engaged, I'm sure that'll change, as ultimately, she wants her daughter to succeed. She just felt that was through me until it wasn't.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 12:05 AM
2

That is cool. I think it would have gone along ways if my ex had offered to give it back. If she had, I honestly probably would have told her to keep it, just for the memories. But she refused to even tell me what she did with it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 12:03 AM
2

Yup, I paid 10k for a custom one for my ex, when she wouldn't tell me what she did with it, I did some research just to see how much she might get for it; it looked like even getting 2k would be a stretch.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 12:02 AM
13

Haha, no. No they don't. At best, in some States, you get it back if they don't go through with the wedding, but that's it. My ex wouldn't even tell me what she did with the ring when she got back from her affair trip, even though she said she would 'think about things' that went on for 10 weeks. It wasn't the most expensive ring, but it was 10k at a time when I made like 28k, and meant a lot to both of us.
/r/Divorce_Men05/02/24 12:00 AM
2

Yup, it wasn't like I though 'oh, she'll come back if I do this' or anything. It was just literally my first instinct, before even the ever pressing knowledge that it was over.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/24 12:26 AM
1

Well, the issue is trying to do something supposed to be 'permeant' in an impermanent world. That seems really dumb. I'm sure Buddha would advise a 'hit it and quit it' philosophy.
/r/Divorce_Men03/02/24 12:25 AM
2

Yup, and it gets severe diminishing returns. But the same study that show women almost always lose attraction, also showed men really don't lose it. So...it's possible for some
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 01:55 AM
7

Show how bad I had it, 4 months after she left I got a big unexpected bonus at work. My first instinct was to call her say we can go travel/get her something nice. Took only a second to go 'oh yeah' but it was still where my head ws.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 01:44 AM
4

It's normal and helpful, as it can help you accept necessary truths. Once it's done it's part though, you leave it behind.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 01:43 AM
4

Butterfly/tingles/whatever is really it. While they're feeling it, they will treat you amazing; once those stop, they will treat you awful. I'm not real sure of a way to keep them going, either. It definitely seems to mentally require a new source, no matter if new source is actually doing less than old source.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 01:04 AM
2

It's sad, but I really wish there was a better way than just never treat it like it's anything more than tempoary.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 01:02 AM
11

The first, and probably hardest, thing to learn is what that is said is not the same as what people want.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 02:32 AM
4

Not to echo others too much, but you really don't need to worry about her coming back. She won't, and the only reason she would is if EVERY other option is exhausted, and then she'd only be back to use you as a warmer until she could find ANY other option. Which, you wouldn't want that even if it came up. So, you can engage the logic and focus on 'it's over' rather than 'what if I do XYZ, should i text her, should I ABC?'
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 12:30 AM
8

The sad thing is, everything you said doesn't matter. She might not even had fallen out of love, or anything like that. She just got turned on and attracted to another man, and that destroys the love. That's all it takes. Literally nothing on your part, its entirely coming from her, and not from a rational place you have any effective way of engaging on. All we can do is understand that and respond accordingly.
/r/Divorce_Men01/02/24 12:27 AM
2

I can understand; while I didn't meet my ex until I was 26, I've never lived alone prior to the divorce. First it was parents, obviously, then it was in dorms with a bunch of guys, then with roommates, then back with parents, then with my wife for the next 7 years. It really hit me early on part of what felt so weird is I had never really been 'Alone' longterm before
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 12:43 AM
1

Yeah, I kept the house, but it's a bit depressing. We sold almost everything as part of our agreement so she could have money, so not only is the house quiet, it's almost empty. And the things left had no monetary value, but pretty much everything at this point has sentimental value. I always have a TV on, but not the same. But I take heart that it's been 18 months now, and it's not as bad as it was. Maybe in another 18 months it'll be normal.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 12:33 AM
4

Not sure, she left in July 2022, and still not really over her. I'm not nearly as bad as I was before, and it gets better, but I'm still not at the point I'm interested in anyone but her.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 12:13 AM
2

Yup, my friends as well. It happened in July 2022, and by September 2022, I couldn't even mention her name around them without them getting annoyed, or anything about it. I'm not sure if they'd get over 9 years suddenly ending overnight like that, but considering some of their marriages...I guess they don't see it the same way.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 12:12 AM
2

I did most of the chores here, too, and was the only one who worked. No kids. Life's easier, chorewise now, I don't use a lot of dishes when cooking and have a system so I'm done with chores before sunday afternoon, and that's when I do most of them.
/r/Divorce_Men30/01/24 12:09 AM
1

It's very common. Really, if it's not really obvious to a guy why she's leaving, then it's obvious what the reason is. Like a QB being able to tell what's happening in his blind spot by seeing the position of the players he can see.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 04:47 AM
1

It is pretty creepy; I remember in law school feeling creepy around freshman; can't imagine in my 30s
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 04:07 AM
6

100%. If they can claim abuse, they will, but if you have to think of a reason other than 'I wanted to have sex with other men' this is the go to that Instagram and social media feeds to women to use as a 'get out of ho' free card.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 04:05 AM
0

Strange, alimony and custody matter, but yeah, going through life with literally zero assets I guess meant a paycheck to paycheck existence; usually get a house at least.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 04:04 AM
8

My take on whenever the claim is made a wife had been 'thinking of it for years'. Just seems bog standard lying that comes with divorce, abliet on a smaller scale than the usual 'he was abusive!' Which is probably just not claimed because literally can't think of anything to possibly spin. Or, as my ex wife did, tells people who know me 'she was thinking of it for years' and people who don't know me 'he was abusive' to get the best of both words. So, agree, don't believe it, it wasn't your fault…
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 04:03 AM
8

She probably didn't even know it years ago, and is engaging in revisionist history to justify her actions, so don't beat yourself up. Literally nothing you could have done most likely.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 01:14 AM
1

Well, he shouldn't get full custody and such low alimony for a SAHM under normal conditions. Sucks you have to get a lawyer, but that's common. Some will take their money later from the settlement if you can't pay up front today, so that's step one.
/r/Divorce_Men29/01/24 01:13 AM
1

I definitely wondered where I went wrong and what I did; the thing that was the hardest to accept was I didn't do anything wrong, and that it just ended suddenly without warning. There wasn't anything I could do or so,. It's easier to think I had some control over the situation, but really, I didn't. Unless I just wanted to ban my wife from traveling without me.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/24 03:42 PM
5

Like you said, it's just the laws. We have a no-fault system, so it doesn't care who did what; it just splits the assets.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/24 03:38 PM
1

Time will help; I was the same way, I couldn't sleep for months afterwards. Couldn't eat either, was part of the reason I lost over 60 lbs the first 10 weeks. But..it gets better. You'll still have the dreams and the thoughts, (at least 2 years out I still do) but they come less and don't bother as much when they do.
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/24 03:37 PM
1

Ah, well, with the benefit of hindsight, I doubt most of us would have gone through with it, haha (minus kids, of course)
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/24 03:35 PM
1

Oh, he knew. He was posting pictures online to show what he was doing. But, I'm not saying worry; I'm saying it's a sin, and the people I've seen partake it are...well, the world wouldn't miss them
/r/Divorce_Men28/01/24 03:35 PM
0

I would agree, it's why when someone says 'at least you didn't have kids' (when she aborted our at best 10 week old after her affair) it uh...it doesn't console like they think it will
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 09:55 PM
0

I mean, only half of marriages in end divorce, and of those, it's about 80% women filing. That still leaves a lot of good women. Scary number of landmines, but hey, the easy path is not trying.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 09:43 PM
2

I mean, it had to be good at some point, right? You married her.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 09:42 PM
2

Of course, but like you said, 'Half of our marriages will be successful. We're here to help our brothers suffering the other half" There are truths there that are important for men going through this to realize, it's not you. It's nothing with you. And it's not your wife, she wasn't some special evil either. That said, I understand this is a place to talk about the 'how' not the 'why' as the latter gets subs nuked and I've seen it before. But it really hurts to see people stuck in a spot where t…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 09:36 PM
1

You just file separately. You don't have to file with her at all. Depending on if she worked, it may cost you more (my ex didn't work, so filing alone the first year cost me 5k) but if she doesn't want to even co-operate that much, you're probably not going to have much luck.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 08:15 PM
3

I don't know if Stockholm, but if it's a real mental illness, does she acknowledge it, and if so, any willingness to take medication and therapy for it? Obviously, not sure about your situation, I'm not sure if the damage down is irreparable or anything. As for why you can't leave....could just be standard fear of change. Things could be bad now, but at least you're used too it. Unknowns are always scary. I'm also sure you loved her at some point, and might still love her, despite her issues. It…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 08:13 PM
2

Not married long enough alimony? Which state is that, under 3 years? Is it really so bad it's at divorce time with no options? I imagine the kids would be fairly young. (if this is some 10 year relationship or something you just go married recently for marriage sake, disregard). The children will be the biggest factor; general asset split, especially on a short marriage, shouldn't be too much. Technically there is 'marital debt' as well, so half the debt is hers as well, might be worth seeing if…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 08:10 PM
1

I agree on giving advice, I disagree with you take on the rest being 'conspiracy theories', it's the fact it's not an incorrect take (and yes, 'muhsoggyknees' is not how you express it, and a juvenile way of approaching an argument you don't want to engage with). But your last line is the truth 'survive the purge' by not talking about things that are true. While there's nothing profound in talking about obvious things, it's worse trying to feel above that by pretending it's false as the reason, …
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 08:06 PM
9

Well, folks will talk around it, but it's pretty much sex and children. That's why we're in relationships. The rest is hoping to not be a negative, but those are the reasons for romantic relationships. Yes, my ex wife had many fine qualities that helped in my life, but none would be worth the commitment of marriage. It's like that for everyone.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 08:01 PM
1

I don't know if misplaced, it's a literal sin on both sides. The men I've known in my life who've done that are well...their existence isn't a benefit to anyone.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 06:57 AM
4

It's hard to believe, but you will get more clarity later on, though it may take years. I did the same, trying to see all the mistakes I made; eventually i realized I hadn't, and it was all her fault. It was hard to reach that point. It's easier to feel like I did something wrong, but it just wasn't the case. My ex had some similar mental health issues. My mom died young from cancer, less than a year before my ex and I married. Never took it out on her or our marriage in anyway.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 06:54 AM
1

Umm, that doesn't mesh with your other lines. Also, not really an on point response. Just random?
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 06:49 AM
10

100%. I've seen it every time. If a husband wants to leave, he's an awful, selfish person. If a wife wants to leave, she's empowered, strong, etc. And the reverse, if a wife leaves a man, not only is she great for making that decision, whose an abusive loser. If a man wants to leave, not only is he an asshole, he's wife was a wonderful woman who sacrificed for him. It's truly sickening.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 05:06 AM
1

Certain kinds of people, I guess, without being more specific than we're allowed too here. I certainly know that's the opposite of how someone gets me to love them.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:56 AM
2

Not really. The closest she did was spend a few months not telling me she was getting railed, while telling me she was 'just thinking' about our divorce and kept asking me to help her with things, which I did like an idiot because I thought she was really thinking. Once she found a guy who would commit with her, even that ended. I imagine if that didn't work out, she might have tried, but it'll be two years come april, so who knows what the years will bring. She won't like the outcome if she tri…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:55 AM
2

As a lawyer, yes, typically not so much lazy, but massively overworked, so don't want to fight things that can be avoided. Folks CAN track your financial info down. It will cost them money. Maybe they can make a judge order you to pay for them having to track it down later. It depends on how much money is at stake, and how much the person has right now to investigate it.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:29 AM
2

Maybe, but courts have told plenty of men who got laid off they won't readjust their alimony.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:26 AM
3

Your mothers half is safe no matter what. Your half depends. Anything you own pre-marriage is separate property, and won't need to be split...but things can convert to marital property. It would depend on how you've been treating the property combined with how your state views marital/separate property. Likely the least you'll get away with is any increase in value the house has had since you married you would need to pay to her. So, if the house was 200k when you got married, worth 300k now, yo…
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:23 AM
1

Glad you handled it well, I didn't handle it nearly so well when I met up with my EX after we hadn't spoken in a year. Basically did the same thing yours did.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:20 AM
1

That year mark really is surreal, I remember the whole second year, hitting milestones and going 'man, a year ago she cheated' 'a year ago she left' 'a year ago we sold all our stuff' 'a year ago we signed our agreement' 'a year ago was our last face to face talk' 'a year ago was our last phone call' 'a year ago was our last text' Get's better than, I imagine once I hit 'man, two years ago was....' it won't feel much like anything
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:19 AM
1

We have many crimes and even civil actions with victims we punish that much, much lesser than infidelity. Just the way the times went. At least we can smoke weed now.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:15 AM
1

Is this USA? As far as I'm aware, you can't really hide forever. You can try and dodge service, but once they serve you once, it's going forward whether you want it or not. And even service you can only dodge for so long before a Judge says 'well, you tried' and moves along
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:14 AM
2

It would certainly be a first I've seen.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:12 AM
2

I literally got those on back to back days, haha
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:11 AM
2

You hit it exactly on the head. This is just a way to retroactively justify cheating.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:11 AM
3

Scary thing is, it's a very widely held belief.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:10 AM
1

You jest, but I've never seen it not be claimed as the case, but the cases I do have personal knowledge, it's false more often than not. Really calls into question things
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:10 AM
0

Well, the point is to make the one whose actually done something bad be the 'good' one, for well, reasons.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:09 AM
3

More lies, really, then a bunch of folks get on social media and repeat it to themselves and suddenly they can do anything and feel righteous.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:08 AM
1

This is pretty much it; not allowed to say anything about women, really. Have to pretend our wives were all anomalies, and all of us just happened to have the same thing happen to us. Don't draw conclusions now, that will draw the admins on us.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/24 03:07 AM
1

We all get divorced for reasons, I guess
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 11:31 PM
6

I struggled with this too. I literally was an overnight change while she was on a trip, and I thought she'd 'snap back' at some point. Took therapy and a lot of reading to figure no, that's not how it works at all.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 10:52 PM
4

I wish there was a better way, but really, no 'healthy' ways out of this situation emotionally, you have to focus on survival.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 03:17 AM
4

Me? Oh, she definitely was, haha. If you had asked me the first 3 months before she left when she was acting weird, I would have told you know (and did tell people that, and I really believed it). If you had asked me during our year of separation if she was seeing anyone, I would have said no as well (she didn't even wait three weeks)
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 03:16 AM
2

I'm past two years, and I agree. Time hasn't healed shit, I've just gotten used to the pain and it doesn't bother me much anymore.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 02:50 AM
16

I've noticed many here say 'I know she's not cheating' or 'I know she's not dating while separated' when as far as I can tell, it's a VAST majority of the time that's the case. I know because I was that idiot. First it was 'I don't know whats going on but I know she's not cheating (she was)' and then while seperated and her saying she needed time to think to find herself I was 'I know she's not seeing anyone, she says she's not ready (she was getting railed all over the place) I would say, unles…
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 02:47 AM
27

My ex asked for time, too. It was time to fuck other men. I think it's almost always that.
/r/Divorce_Men25/01/24 01:52 AM
5

Yup, racking up bodies will really damage you ability to bond with one person, which is a great way of breaking co-dependancy. It has other side effects, but hey, you tried it the 'right' way and got burned, so it's a great way to avoid it happening again.
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/24 02:38 AM
13

Sounds a lot like my bachelor party, drinking, cigars, and nerd stuff we hadn't done since high school
/r/Divorce_Men23/01/24 02:15 AM
6

Dead Bedrooms used to have this as the sub motto: There is one love language. The rest are 'like' languages. Romantic relationships are centered are sex. If that's not there, it's not a romantic relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 11:46 PM
10

That's been my experience. Most of my bachelor parties haven't been the sterotype of hookers and booze, but the three that were, all of them had someone at least get a blow job from a stripper. Never the groom. Which really supports my theory that environment matters a lot to cheating, and not putting yourself into bad spots is a good idea. As far as I know, none of those guys cheated before or since on their partner. But it's a different story when you're drunk, theres a naked girl sitting on y…
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 11:42 PM
5

While I've never had the groom cheat, I have had a few times the friends cheat. Usually it was getting a blow job from a stripper.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 11:39 PM
6

It really was hard to understand just how evil they become overnight. From the person who was my biggest supporter for years, to someone who hates me more than anything in the world.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 04:34 AM
4

Yeah, I was in denial way too long thinking we could reconcile. I understand now there is no chance of reconciling once they cheat; it's just not how it works for them. Her serving me was for the best, combined with her going public with her new relationship, it let me finally start, well, moving on isn't the right word, but clinging to something doesn't exist.
/r/Divorce_Men22/01/24 04:31 AM
14

I never got what I would consider a true confession. She was visiting her family before we started a family, and was going to be there for 3 months total (last month I was going over as well). Two weeks in, after going out drinking with her friends, she cuts off contact with me saying she needs time to think if she wants to come home. I find pictures of her online with a guy; of course, I'm an idiot, and kept pushign off the obvious. It was first them out in a group setting sitting next to each …
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 09:56 PM
3

I would sometimes question that; they will always brainwash themselves and lie to everyone to make themselves not so bad. My wife says the same 'oh, I moved on long before' When really, she didn't, or if she was, she was playing super deep undercover. It was she went out one night with friends to a bar, and ended up sleeping with a rando, and then she changed overnight. She tells herself that, and everyone else, so she can justify in her mind what she did.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 06:48 PM
3

Hmm...if it's US, it sadly really doesn't matter what she did during the marriage. If you're in NC, and have proof of adultery, you can bar alimony, but other than that, it's generally going to be split either 50/50 or 'equitably' which is usually 50/50. No matter what evil stuff she did. So...the main thing you need to do is protect yourself from false DV violations, or thinking you're a danger to yourself and others. Sadly, just owning guns is enough for the latter, so give those to someone yo…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 05:58 PM
2

Sorry to say, and you probably already know this, those walks had been going on for awhile. The turning into a completely different, almost hateful person, is sadly the norm. It took me over a year to finally fall out of love. It was really the open dating that did, moving in with another guy, posting on social media, just destroyed any delusions I had. My state won't let you live together to start the divorce process, but I almost wish she had. If she had lived with me and been doing all that e…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 05:55 PM
1

Yup, I was laid off the day after she left, and the new job I started 3 weeks later was a 40% pay cut. I still had about the same level of money left over each month.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 05:52 PM
1

Well, my state Alimony doesn't have any 'guidelines' for length, but judges default to 'half the length of the marriage'. So it could be worse!...haha...ah..ha... Yeah, it all sucks
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 05:51 PM
2

I was 'lucky' and only get hit by a 5k tax bill the year she left me. She hadn't been working that year, and I asked if we could at least file jointly to save me the money; instead of getting $1500 rebate, I had to pay $3500. I told her she could have the rebate, I just couldn't afford to pay. Which she knew, as she drained our bank account having an affair, and had me sell everything and cash out everything as part of separation agreement for me to keep the house, and knew I was laid off the da…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 05:50 PM
3

Definitely have had that happen to a friend of mine. Wife left him March 2019, he was enganged by Sept 2020. He's divorced now, and had a kid with her. From what I've read on here, the one way I've seen everyone 'get over' their Ex is by sleeping with someone else. The one's who seem the most miserable are still pining over their ex and refusing to be with other women. And there is a big desire to 'make the divorce worth it' like, the divorce was awful, but it let me find this amazing woman! Tha…
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 05:47 PM
1

Gotcha update your last lien from 'There are plenty of women you don't work with; date one of those in the future' I guess?
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 05:43 PM
6

Haha, same here. I made my first and only post here based on Xmas popping up '2 years ago' and wondering how the heck we went from that to this in under year. I didn't delete them, but I did move the both onto a cloud and onto a hard storage device, and then deleted them off my phone. They're there if I ever wanted to look again. So far, I haven't.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 04:53 PM
1

Yeah, he definitely feels justified
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 04:34 PM
1

Yeah, we've seen waaaay worse, haha. Most of has have HAD way worse happen to us. But there's a reason co-workers are right up there with friends for affairs. That's how these things happen, even though folks hate those stats
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 04:33 PM
0

To be fair, I almost never see someone file without wanting to have sex with someone other than your spouse being the final straw. Other stuff may push someone to that position, but that's what ultimately pushes. I've not seen anyone file then just go be by themselves for a year or something.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 04:32 PM
2

The number of defenders here says something about our population. Maybe folks here aren't as innocent as they post
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 04:30 PM
3

Definitely. The double standards are mind boggling. Not saying straight men should get a pass, but it's crazy how even just cheating with a man will somehow deflect the public outcry. Something is deeply twisted in our culture at the moment.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 06:37 AM
3

Well, looks like we have a number of cheaters on this sub
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 06:36 AM
5

I think he gave about as much fucks as the guy, haha.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 06:35 AM
2

But accurate.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 06:34 AM
2

Or, people are bad people, and our minds our programmed to shield us from that fact. I think it's clear OP is. He can keep fighting the good fight on his keyboard
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 06:34 AM
2

Obviously, you have to know; but one can't also claim obliviousness as well. So, I'm sure there are times it's a rando at a bar who lies, but hey, I don't think its too keen on that as concept as well, so maybe you get what's coming to you if you lead that life.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 06:30 AM
5

Yes, my ex cheated while overseas, and left to live with a friend saying she would 'think about our marriage' and 'wasn't ready to talk about it yet' and the entire time she was doing that she was seeing other men, and once she found one who would take care of her, it was 'I don't have to tell you anything' Didn't hear from her for over year. She sent divorce papers on what would have been our wedding anniversary day.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 06:27 AM
5

Yup. I've not seen may examples of it coming back. A whole lot e xamples of men destroying themselves trying.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 04:50 AM
1

That's good, it's honestly helpful
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 04:41 AM
1

Yup, same here. Which, makes sense, if what they did is so bad the marriage couldn't continue if known, there really isn't way to come back ​ Though, guess calling it a dumb decision was popular here, haha.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 04:40 AM
3

Does your health care cover Therapy? Mine did it for $25 per hour. I had a talk once a week once it started, in part because I didn't want to talk to any of my friends about it because I had hopes we could reconcile. Therapy was helpful for seeing how stupid that was
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 03:15 AM
1

Not sure about NY, but in NC, you don't need the other party to sign or do anything; you just move out, and a year later, you send papers to the Sherriff and serve them.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 03:14 AM
3

Well, on the bright side, most of us had our wives do worse to us than you did to your wife?
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 03:13 AM
1

I mean, it's a sin on both sides of adultery for a reason. Can't feel bad, even though rarely does Karma do anything
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 03:12 AM
2

Seinfield was a good shot
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 03:11 AM
12

It's rough man. The vast majority of the time a women leaves, its for another man. Most of us our in denial about it. I know I was for almost a year. I can just say, she's not taking the high road. And the high road never got me anywhere good in life.
/r/Divorce_Men21/01/24 03:11 AM
3

Almost two years for me. I would say I've gotten through the other side of the struggle in pain. Got a routine, finances are starting improve, regular social activity, job is back on track, house is optimized.....but I won't say I've done much more than get through. Or maybe I stood still, and let the storm pass over me. I'm not exactly happy. I'm living a life like I'm 25 again. Some folks might love that, but it feels real empty now. But it doesn't really hurt anymore. Just empty. My marriage …
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/24 03:52 AM
2

Oh, you got lucky, that bullet missed you. The moment she was talking to another guy was the time to ghost her. Thankfully she didn't try to completely lie about it.
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/24 03:47 AM
3

Yeah, not so much 'realize how good she had it' as that would imply should be grateful and repentant and ashamed of what she did. She''ll do exactly like you said, come over and be even worse than she ever was before. And 'best' part is, even if that was 'good enough' for you to have her back at that price, she's only going to stick around until she can leave again ,and will constantly be on the prowl.
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/24 04:29 AM
2

I wouldn't be so sure on the not cheating this time before separating, to be honest. But yeah, I've never seen it go well taking back a cheating wife; mostly because the only reason they want to 'come back' is because they branch they tried to monkey onto either was a mirage or broke. So they'll come back strictly to use you. I've seen men stray and it work out, but not the reverse
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/24 04:26 AM
5

Probably divorce you sooner, and the judge would say your intentionally dodging work and 'impute' how much you 'should' be making
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/24 04:23 AM
9

It doesn't bother me at all; my wife did a full legal name change (she wanted to make her 'American' name her Legal name, as she felt she was profiled due to it) which is a lot harder to change, so she said she'd just keep me name. She might have changed it back if she hadn't done the legal change, but she also complained a ton of all the things she had to update, so she might have just kept it. Originally, she wanted to back to her home country and seemed annoyed I had 'made' her change her nam…
/r/Divorce_Men18/01/24 04:22 AM
3

Exactly. The only time i've seen a husband file has been for 'grey divorces' where the kids were already grown, and the husband basically wanted to have sex again before his dick fell off as his wife was being a hateful shrew for years.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 12:11 AM
1

That's the issue; there isn't a solution really. When you stand up for yourself, they just go crazy and still leave and blow up the family.
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 12:10 AM
1

Modern marriage it seems like. At least for my friend group, the men all work more, do more chores, and the wives get the money spent on what they want, and the activates done are what the wives do. We have a few where the wife is worse off, and they're regarded as basically abused
/r/Divorce_Men17/01/24 12:09 AM
2

It really, really is.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 03:15 AM
3

Yeah, I was pretty much backed into giving up on anything other than spending time on her. Same, wasn't a 'you can't do that' but her behavior would be at the point it's fine, okay, I just won't do that. Lets spend time together honey.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 02:12 AM
4

Oh, I agree. Which is awful, as it 100% makes them worse partners. Like, if I don't care about trying to re-start a family after my disaster of a marriage, it's easy mode.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 02:11 AM
3

I feel like I've read this exact thing before....repost? Anyways, answer is still no, to all of it. They cheated, they're done with you. The only reason they'll want to 'be' with you is a temporary spot until they find someone they feel is better. Sorry, just how it goes. No, your ex and gf are not the exception.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 01:03 AM
4

Exactly, from what I've read, the majority of us here were cheated on, and our wives left. I think that's the case for most divorces is the wife cheats and leaves. So, whatever causes a wife to do that, work on that.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 01:00 AM
1

Def before. Groggy morning sex half in a dream is the best.
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 12:59 AM
3

After she left, I was laid off the next day at work. At my new job, I honestly tried to follow some of the 'advice' she had for me in work, as I thought all the dedication I had to my job might have contributed to her cheating. (Yeah, it was the first few months and I was simping and stupid) What it did was almost get me fired, and put on the bosses shit list. Turns out, boss's don't like being told you work 9-5, that I'm going to take time off, I'm not covering for others, I'm not working weeke…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 12:59 AM
6

There's a reason men aren't the ones filing for divorce often. It takes pretty egregious behavior for us to walk. Like, crazy. It's a huge double standard
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 12:57 AM
1

No, both names are on the deed, which means we both owned the house. It doesn't matter if they put any money towards it, they equally own it. You could put a random person's name on the deed, you couldn't sell that house without them signing off on it, and they'd also have to sign off on getting less than half the proceeds as well. So yeah, by putting her name on the deed, it was just as much her house as mine. If I hadn't put her name on the deed, it would have been a marital/separate property …
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/24 12:55 AM
1

Well, that's something else entirely. This was in response to pensions. Like, super traceable. But that sounds like a lot of work to spend a marriage lying about where all of your money is going. Why would you get married?
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 10:53 PM
1

Well, she's getting probably half of that cashed out retirement, and now you have to live with half, where if you divorced 5 years in, she's getting half of 5 years worth, which isn't much.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 10:12 PM
13

I don't know about 'submission' but really, it's more on what you can do to keep you happy. Wives are the main ones filing for divorce, and most of us here had our wives cheat on us then they left. And it doesn't seem to have a ton of impact what husbands do on wives cheating and leaving. Men are generally easy, I wouldn't say 'submission' but 1) don't 'nag' (criticize unnecessarily, and most criticism for a couple is unnecessary), 2) Appreciate what he does for you, and try not to act like you'…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 10:10 PM
1

The entire down payment came from mine as well, but literally, he name is on the deed. It's hers. You can't take that from her. This isn't a 'marital' or 'community' thing. It was just literally her property
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 09:56 PM
2

Really is, and probably another reason women file 4x as often as men; it's much harder for a man to reach that breaking point, as we're so easy to please
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 08:08 PM
3

And I know it's not really the place to talk about, but this is a really, really important double standard for men to understand, as you read here time and time again men here harming themselves and torturing themselves trying to save their marriage when their wife cheats, when the truth is, there is no chance. Once she's done that, she's done. As a man, we think if we did it, we could still love our wife after. And that thought will ruin us, as it's just not the same for women. And so while it'…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 08:07 PM
2

My best friend cheated, they went to counseling, and they have had two kids since and marriage is doing better than it had been for years pre affair. I think the common thing between our two stories is it was the man who cheated; without going into unwanted details, there is a reason the majority of wives leave their husbands when she cheats, while only a small minority of men leave their wives when he cheats
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 06:44 PM
2

I will say I knew how to get things done, but she definitely had the idea for style. Like, I get compliments daily on how I dress, but that's because she picked out my style for me. It was like that for a lot of things
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 06:12 PM
6

I definitely can relate to crying before a vacation, silent treatment during it, then gushing about how great it was later. As for doing the same to the affair partner, I'd say either yes, she will, as it was nothing about you, just her nature, or if she doesn't, it's because she has enough self awareness to not be able to see if she makes this new relationship out to be as bad as her old one, that would mean she might have made a mistake. So she'll tell herself its great to avoid that thought.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 06:11 PM
6

Based on what I've read in studies, I don't think there is a 'right' answer. It's women losing sexual attraction to their husbands via natural circumstances, and the resulting unsatisfiaction that comes with that coming out in various ways
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 06:09 PM
23

That adage 'Men marry women hoping they'll stay the same, women marry men hoping they'll change, both are disappointed' really rings true. While my ex didn't get quite so bad (we were only married 6.5 years), about a year after marriage there was a definite shift from 'appreciation' to 'entitlement'. An example, while dating, if I took her car to get fixed on my day off: 'so sweet, he's getting a special night tonight' compared to when married 'what took so long? we have so much we need to do to…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 06:07 PM
1

While I'm not planning on dating soon, no single mothers, and no divorces's are automatic filters for me. (For a serious relationship, I mean) Which, at 36 now, I understand will basically limit me to zero options, but hey, that's an answer too. I've seen what happens too often when trying to force something that just isn't designed to work.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 06:04 PM
2

The real point isn't that you're fighting over trash; it's that there is no chance of even 'winning' that trash.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 06:02 PM
1

Didn't help me, but I don't think I was willing to buy in. It felt like a lot of cope and drugging myself was her plan, which, eh, I don't need to lie to myself about my situation.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 04:55 PM
6

Same boat here, my wife used to run me ragged and I always, always just wanted to chill at home and do nothing to recharge. Well, I got plenty of time to chill at home and do nothing now, lol. It's great when you have something other than work to recharge from, but it gets old fast. Similar boat as finding hobbies (all of them, yes) really pointless and make things worse almost. Haven't done much online dating, because I've never been a hook up guy (Been in 4 relationships my entire life, and th…
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 04:53 PM
10

I was lucky on that case, I didn't have to deal with endless nagging. More nagging than when dating, of course, but it wasn't that bad. I was more just run ragged by her always wanting to do things. She didn't work, so when I got home and weekends she always wanted to go out of the house and do stuff. Frequent traveling as well. Just wore me out, as I did the chores as well. And well, while she didn't nag, she didn't handle pushback well at all.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 04:49 PM
1

I asked my attorney about it, he said if I hadn't put her name on the deed, I would have been able to argue it, but since I put her name on the deed, legally, it was her house, too.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 04:45 PM
3

Yup. I wish I done anything thinking she would leave. In Dec, inherited 56k from my mother. Put that in Feb into a down payment on a house, only me on loan, put her name on the deed as well. In April, she cheated and left.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 01:20 AM
10

Men need to understand that, because the moment a women lets another man fuck her, she's done forever for you. It might be a double standard, but it's just how it works. So many men (I was one for a year) try and 'fight' for a women who was done the moment that dick got in her. Literally impossible to come back, not matter what you do.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 01:01 AM
3

Yup, the longer the marriage, the more divorce hurts. Not only does it take more from you, you have less years to make it back. Kinda can ruin you.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/24 12:11 AM
5

I called up my bestfriend who had moved away 7 years ago. We still saw each other about twice a year, either I'd go up to visit him one on one, or he'd come to down here to hang with us for an event. We hadn't talked on the phone...since ever really. But I told him what was happening, just to have someone to tell it too. I will say, it's not a constant thing; your friends will listen to the story once, do a recap again, and then a very minor check in. At that point, my friends were tapped and I …
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 03:49 AM
3

Yeah, I learned folks who hadn't been through it didn't really understand. Though I also found folks who had been through also were kinda numb to it, and seemed to forget the first months/years and focus on 'it worked out later!' (I often avoided mentioning that, no, it didn't, they're a fucking mess, haha.)
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 03:43 AM
2

Yup. I'll be 2 years in April, and it was bad at the start. First 10 weeks, lost 60 lbs and half my hair. After that, was just constantly thinking of her every second for almost 3 months. Got better after that, focused on other things. Still had bad nights. A few bad days. It'll happen. It's hard to think of how awful a thing happened, that it was done by the person you trusted the most, and you'll never have that life again. It's overwhelming. So I try not to think about that and just keep my e…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 03:41 AM
1

Haha, not sure what the program is, but I will say, it does get 'better' with time. I would say just do things that have a 'lasting' impact. Likely literally nothing will make you feel better, so work out, do projects around the house, spend time with friends if you can fake it, grind at work, get a new cert, whatever. Once the pain leaves you enough you can start enjoying life, you'll be able to reap the benefits of all that work, even though it itself didn't do anything to make the pain go awa…
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 03:38 AM
3

I was 'lucky' and had my sign the paperwork within 2 months, while she was still in the Affair fog. Once that wore off, she tried to say I tricked her
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 03:36 AM
8

Yup, with my EX for 10 years almost, she never wanted to wear any sexy lingere or dress sexy. Within weeks of leaving, she was buying see through linegre, shirt skirts, halter tops, and skimpy bathing suits.
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 03:35 AM
23

This. My ex did the same. Kept telling the lie over and over. One reason she cut off all contact with me. She has entirely new friends now, only talks to her closest friends who knew her before she met me, and has cut everyone else out so she can make up this story that she left her abusive husband who didn't let her work, and she's finally free and finding herself. It's really disgusting, but it also seems to be the norm for divorced women
/r/Divorce_Men14/01/24 03:34 AM
7

I will say I have never once seen a woman admit fault in a divorce. Not once. Even in the rare case where she is the one left, I've never seen it. I've seen plenty of men admit fault, even when it's clearly not their fault. Or when it is, I've still seen them admit. And I've done family law for a few years, and had friends and family on the divorce path. And a number of times, I have 100% proof it was the wife's fault. Where does this leave me? I can never, ever believe a woman who has been divo…
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/24 04:48 AM
4

Yeah, it was 7 years married when she cheated and walked. (almost 10 years married, so I guess could count as either)
/r/Divorce_Men06/01/24 04:45 AM
7

I think in an 'honest and committed relationship' they wouldn't be doing this in the first place, which is the issue. If it's happening, it's too late to talk about it.
/r/Divorce_Men03/01/24 03:51 AM
3

Definitely. My best friend cheated on his wife, and the only reason they stayed together was they had a 2 year old. It's been 18 months, and they just had 2nd kid 2 months ago, and they're working it out and better to each other than pre affair....but I still see the cracks. Worried how long it'll last
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 11:51 PM
0

Sad to say, in my younger highschool/college days I did that. I did later smash. She broke up with BF on her own, but I would tell her he wasn't good. (to be fair, he wasn't)
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 11:49 PM
2

Neither of my parents ever did, and they had a good marriage. I made the mistake of being 'friends' with a co-worker. When my marriage was getting shakey as wife was getting tired of living out in the sticks, she made a move.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 11:47 PM
10

It's strange how much resistance there is in society to admitting this. It's like the women don't want to admit they keep 'meh' men around just in case, and 'meh' men don't want to admit they hope they might be able sneak in a moment of weakness.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 11:45 PM
4

Yup, and married men cheat as well; older they get, rate of cheating increases.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 11:41 PM
8

The only reason they're not physical affairs might be due to being 'caught' in time....but I would guess way more emotional affairs are also actual affairs than husbands want to admit to themselves.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 11:41 PM
8

Pretty much. We're just not wired that way; the possibility of sex is always running like a background app.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 11:40 PM
2

A lot of statutes leave, at least in the US, up to the judges discretion. Like, in my state, Alimony has 17 things in the statute for judges to 'consider' granting, and how much on...but really, they can do whatever they want. Typically, they follow 'custom' as judges don't like to rock the boat, but if you get one that wants to tip the whole thing over, nothing you can really do about it
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 06:46 AM
2

Pretty much. I couldn't sleep for months, would run my self to exhaustion, and the dreams would wake me up as soon as my body was physically able. \ Two years out, I generally can put it from mind while sleeping. Get the dreams sometimes, and they wake me up, but go doom scroll on phone and usually back to sleep in an hour
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 06:44 AM
5

Hell, the scary part? They don't have to plot it out. They could be in love with you, go out on a girls weekend, get dicked down, and suddenly she hates. No planning, just what happens when they let another man fuck them. It's spooky
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 02:52 AM
8

This. It's all true. If she leaves, it's for sex with other men. It needs a very strong rebuttal to have somethings. If she's having sex with someone else, she's going to think you're less than nothing. Sorry, just how it goes when they change men. It doesn't matter how egregious she cheated. It's not like if you cheated, where you will be a pariah. She'll be celebrated for her infidelity. It's a fact, you can't change that either, it's just how the world is. You have to treat her in turn. I fee…
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 02:51 AM
2

It's an honest one. If you let truth defeat you, that's something to work on.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 02:37 AM
3

Hmm, can you move to America or something and divorce here?
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 01:23 AM
4

Yup, that's the other dick. They're not leaving without having someone lined up for that. And generally, yeah, it's easy to get dick. And 'pursuing happiness' and 'finding themselves' just means more dick. Sometimes they realize getting dick doesn't mean getting a better husband. They won't ever be able to admit that it was a mistake. And sometimes, they really don't mind, and just wanted to have more dick.
/r/Divorce_Men02/01/24 12:11 AM
2

Yup, I would have been better off never being married; that man would have been a lot better off
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 11:59 PM
7

Well, it makes sense. Death 'makes sense' for why everything went wrong. We understand that. We don't understand why they want to cheat and leave.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 11:58 PM
5

I'll just say I didn't think my wife was cheating as well. I found that out later doing my own investigation two months later. I've come to point anytime a woman leaves her husband/seperation/etc you have to assume it's for another dick. They won't say that, for various reasons, but it's the case. If it's for another reason, it will be one you are very aware of and understand, like you beat her, you cheated, etc.
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 11:52 PM
2

Well, I don't know if I can take his 'trust me bro' on the 30%, and I've seen the one's he's mentioned. I've never been able to find a accurate study saying even double digits, I saw one saying 9%, but again, this just a hospital study, so maybe that area was higher than the rest for cheating. I've been a prosecutor in a military town, I definitely know for example there is way more cheating there than a 'normal' town
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 11:49 PM
11

That's pretty much modern society. One thing I've learned from having my wife cheat on me, and my best friend cheat on his wife, is that there is a massive double standard in our society when it comes to infidelity. My best friend was pretty much universal shaming, even though his wife was being utterly horrible to him prior to the cheating. My ex wife has been universal support, even though when pressed the literal only reason she could give was 'you made your life about me and it made me feel …
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 11:34 PM
3

Yup, I agree, I view it in a similar way. I have all my friends saying 'oh, you'll be even better than before, find someone better, etc etc.' When really, no, no I'm not going too. I'm 37 now, spent 10 years with her, poured my resources into a family she ended right when we were about to begin. Financially, will I recover? Eh, eventually, but I'm starting with literally nothing rather than being almost halfway to retirement. So, no, it's never going to be as good. Better woman? My marriage was …
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 11:32 PM
3

Well, that number is of fathers who get the test done; generally speaking, if someone is getting a test done, it's because they have suspicions. I'm not sure of actual stats; I believe there was a hospital in the UK collecting genetic info for a study, and a side effect was they found out about 3% of fathers weren't actually the father. Which is still pretty high; having children is the most important thing in the world, and the fact there is such supreme pushback against testing for this is evi…
/r/Divorce_Men01/01/24 05:42 PM
6

Yup, when I was dating my ex wife, it was pretty awesome up until a year after marriage. If I had just hopped off at the two year, 'are we getting married' stage, woulda been ideal. So, going forward, I'm pretty much like, it has be awesome, or I'm just heading out. Because if a woman is into you, it's completely different than if she's just settling with you. I wish there was some way to get that 'into you' to last, but alas, it seems you can only delay it through engagement then marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/23 09:59 PM
6

Definitely made the right call if starting to see issues that early. The first months should be near perfect if she's really into you, which will typically last until engagement time, which then revitalizes it till wedding time, and then you get the honeymoon period. ​ Obviously, if you don't want to get married, once the 'our we going anywhere' talk sets in, you just leave. And if it's sniping at you before that, you do what you did, and just leave. Because it never, ever gets better, just wors…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/23 09:57 PM
7

I totally understand. The hardest part is accepting it's over. To do that, you need to 1) Accept she's seeing other men and 2) once she's seeing other men, your marriage has 0% chance of surviving. Many of us deny and deny our wives are seeing other men, even though a desire to have sex with other men (usually already picked out, and currently having sex with) is almost always the reason a wife wants a seperation/divorce. And even if we have proof we can't deny, we think like a man, and try to t…
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/23 03:20 AM
4

The affair fog is such a crucial period, but so many men waste it thinking their wife will come back to them. The only thing coming back is a cold calculating wife once the sex loses its novelty.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 06:25 PM
1

Mine too. But, that's part of the problem. They won't communicate. The lack of communication isn't the cause, it's a symptom. Trying to fix communication won't save marriage, as the communication isn't what kills it; it's just a side effect
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 06:06 PM
1

Oh, I wish it was like that too. Felt it was, I pretty much after meeting my wife made my mental state and lifestyle all about doing whatever I could for my wife, and that we would be together forever, no matter what. It put me in a much worse spot when she divorced me, as I could have taken some steps to protect myself, but the thought of her cheating and leaving never crossed my mind. So, yeah, if that's the definition we want to use, I don't think there is anything such as love. I've never se…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 05:58 PM
1

Hmm, I guess it depends on what your definition of 'love' is. I would say status/money can help generate the necessary emotion for 'love' in the way beauty can. If you 'love' to you is an unbreakable eternal bond that weathers all, regardless of circumstance, yeah, I'd agree that's not real.
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 03:59 PM
2

I basically look at my divorce like I lost a leg. The me trying to keep my family together after her affair, was basically like me sitting there with a leg with gangrene trying to find someway to avoid it being cut off when it has to be cut off or else the rest of my body would start to rot. (it never works, by the way. Women are done with you when they fuck another man, they can't be attracted to a man they don't respect, and if they let someone else fuck them, they lose respect for you. Cuckin…
/r/Divorce_Men30/12/23 03:46 AM
2

Timelines vary, depending on state and how much you're fighting. In my state, it's a year of separation, and hopefully you've worked everything out without a judge prior to that year, as soon as the year runs out you file, serve it on the party, they sign the waiver, gets returned, and about 13 months out total its done. If you can't agree and have to get the legal system involved, going to take much longer. Court dates are usually 1-3 months apart, and it's not getting solved in one shot.
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 04:06 AM
3

Sounds right, my ex cheated right before we had kids, and we were looking at childcare if she wanted to work, and 2600 was about the best rate we could find as well. Which for my ex, would have been about what she'd make working anyways
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 04:03 AM
2

What's kinda funny is those with the worst marriages, the ones everyone could tell she was a disaster, seem to bounce back the best, as they are really 'free'. Those who had a good marriage, and 'everyone was shocked' when she cheated and left overnight, seem to sometimes never pull out, because they probably never will get a life like they had. And it can be hard to accept a worse life if you don't ease into it. But they need to realize they don't have a choice. Basically a variation of letting…
/r/Divorce_Men29/12/23 04:02 AM
15

It really is disgusting how there really is no punishment, not even shame from society. If you ever mention 'paternity testing' you get abusive language like 'insecure' tossed out, when the risk of harm is so, so massive. It's disgusting.
/r/Divorce_Men27/12/23 04:33 AM
6

Spent many nights doing that. Literally no benefit at all, haha. Understanding I couldn't do anything, my life is now worse, and I just had to limp forward works best for me. Trying to talk about it didn't help, thinking about what I could do to save it, or could have done differently, nope.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:45 PM
4

Yes. 100% talk to a lawyer. If she has any mind about it, she's probably already done the same. If the word 'divorce' has been mentioned, you can bet it's coming. Should have done it earlier, but the next best thing is as soon as possible
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:44 PM
5

And very often that 'just because' is 'i want to have sex with other men'
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:46 AM
1

At the 20 month mark, hoping that two year mark is a game changer. Been a rough...well, ride seems wrong. Collision, crash, accident, maybe that's better
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:38 AM
1

So much me. My folks are dead, my sister has her family and doesn't need me bringing down the mood on the holidays. So I sit at home and drink by myself, and miss the life and family I had, and mourn that it won't come again.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:37 AM
5

I would just say you should care, only for the fact it shows how she feels about you. Even if you could have it not bother you at all, the fact she's doing it shows how she thinks nothing of your family. It's hard to accept these women who were the best person in our lives become evil. I have some thoughts on why that is, but really, acceptance is what's needed. And yeah, sorry for everyone here. It's...well, it's awful. Life overnight went from the best it had ever been to worse than it had eve…
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:36 AM
3

I also think there's a reason the bible says it's just as much a sin to be the one sleeping with a cheater. So don't worry, they get exactly what they deserve in those situations. They're bad people too
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:31 AM
3

I would say it's effectively always another guy when they leave. It might not be the 'reason' they leave, but it's the match that lights up whatever dynamite was the reason, at the very least. It's why we really need men to understand that when your wife leaves you, it's over, as she left you for another man. Or at least another dick. Either way, she won't be able to come back to you.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:30 AM
7

It was hard to me to accept as well, but once your wife's been with another man, it's over. And as wives almost never initiate divorce without the plan to get sex from someone else. I've done what you're doing. Honestly, I still am to a degree. Sad for both of us, but it was over before we even knew it had begun. That's just how it is for guys
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:25 AM
5

I can kinda understand. I feel like if my marriage had been lousy prior to the affair, it would have made it much easier to bounce back.
/r/Divorce_Men25/12/23 05:01 AM
5

Definitely. When it first went down, the first two months I pretty much couldn't shut up about it. I could tell after the first month they were through with it, and I stopped talking about it, even though it felt like it was getting worse for me every day.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 03:38 AM
1

No closure here either. My ex refused to even talk to me about it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:54 AM
2

Definitely. It's been 18 months and I still wake up a few times a week due to dreams about her.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:53 AM
1

One thing I think cheating is a nature nurture thing is some careers have way higher infidelity's than others. Two possibilities; people naturally drawn to cheating are drawn to those careers, or those careers make it more likely to cheat. Or a combination. Basically, what I'm getting at people aren't always inherently cheaters, but some people if put into certain situations will cheat when otherwise they might tnot have. I have friends who have cheated on bachelor parties, who haven't since, an…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:52 AM
1

I'll say I've had some friends cheat with prostitutes on bachelor parties, who haven't cheated since. Well, if we ever do another such trip, I wouldn't put it past them.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:50 AM
1

My state, it's all pretty much equally both yours. So, you split it as 50/50 as you can agree on.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:49 AM
3

No, I'm in a similar boat. I force myself to hang out with my friends, but I can't do it for long as obviously I can't be my depressed buzzkill self around them so it's a game of smile and pretend like at work. Makes it worse honestly. I know they say fake it till you make it, but maybe you have to be real sometimes
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:48 AM
3

I don't know if that's true for me, but the outcome certainly has been, haha. Hopefully get that rebuilding sometime.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:47 AM
2

One thing I've learned as I've got older and had my own divorce and seen others, is that if a women just wants sex, she will never be wanting.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:46 AM
4

This. I've not noticed for all of my guy friends, but every women I know goes through a ho phase right after divorce. Or starts it at the tail end of the marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:45 AM
3

Oh, no I agree with you. It was obvious what these men were after, I can't imagine she didn't know. It's not popular with women to say things like that; when I tell my friends wives things like that, it gets them really upset.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:41 AM
3

Everyone tells me that, haha. But some part of me wishes we did have a kid. I really wanted to have kids with her, and we literally were going to start very soon. Having a child, even one I have to fight her literally crazy mother over, doesn't seem so bad. But I'm barely hanging on financially even know; a kid would have ruined me to fight over I understand.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:28 AM
3

Definitely. Some of my friends say they thought she might have done it before, or planned it, but the sheer overnight whiplash how she changed makes me think it was the first time. But yeah, she definitely didn't use protection, as I could see she got on birth control quickly after that. We hadn't been on it, as we had just started trying for kids about a month before she left. And she literally doesn't feel sorry at all. The last time we spoke months ago, after a year of not speaking, she said …
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:27 AM
3

Wish I did that. It might have been why she kept saying 'I'm thinking about it' till I signed the paper work. But I kept thinking if I stayed in contact she'd eventually talk to me and realize what a crazy thing she was doing. I know now that's just not how a woman is going to think once she's let another man fuck her. She didn't get any alimony from me, and she left the house on her own as she was in such a hurry to get away from me. I was able to keep it, but had to take on a lot of debt to bu…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:25 AM
2

Hmm, not really, haha. But nothing has. It's been a bad 18 months. And not looking any better.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:21 AM
3

That was my take on it. She didn't really abuse me during the relationship, and she definitely has mental health issues. Those years in Savannah were rough, but it wasn't gaining her anything, it was just making us both miserable. And our entire time in Atlanta it was really good. That's what makes it hard, but I've done enough reading to know it's not mentally ill women who snap and cheat, it's just a thing many many women do.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:20 AM
3

It's hard to be happy, as the beginning in the end of the relationship were so good. Discounting the way it ended, of course. The middle was very rough, but I rationalized it by it being us poor and in a town she hated. As for why I'm attracted to women like that, I guess it's the love bombing. Being a guy who hasn't had a ton of women interested in him, having someone completely into me felt great. I've been on a few dates, and the lack of any immediate desire on them has outside of one failed …
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:19 AM
3

I'm sure she is. She let slip by accident while in her home country she was telling everyone there I was abusive and controlling, probably so they would support her 10 week affair she was having. And I'm sure she's said that to everyone here, as she called me 'abusive' when she got back, but literally couldn't name one instance I was, other than the time I told her that if she didn't stop hurting her self, I'd have to ask her mom for help with the situation.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:15 AM
4

Definitely agree. Her thing was finding 'mentors' who obviously men being men, are never mentors and just guys looking for sex, pressuring her into sex after 'mentoring' her for a few months. She had definite daddy issues, which was a box I never checked. New guy is almost a decade older than her now.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:12 AM
3

Definitely had some mental issues. Doubt she'll come back, her particular band of crazy has a hard time ever going backwards on anything. Also she seems to be doing fine, I'm sure she's roped this new guy into something similar.
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/23 02:10 AM
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