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Intelligent-Bed-4149 Archive

View 2 posts and 91 comments by Intelligent-Bed-4149 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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1

Certainly not in all states, in mine you likely would.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 11:59 PM
5

He may have to pay tens of thousands in her court costs. Talk to the lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men18/06/25 03:35 PM
4

I was going to expand on a response to u/Difficult_Animal2609, but here is as good as anywhere. This isn’t a demonization of medication. Nor is the point to remove agency from people who abuse medication. I later found evidence that this behavior began during my wife’s pregnancy with our second (and last) child, who is 9 now, but as an ADHD patient who has taken stimulants responsibly for 25+ years, my medication started to go missing. She gaslighted me into believing every possibility other tha…
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 06:41 PM
7

Adderall abuse
/r/Divorce_Men26/04/25 05:04 AM
3

Find out the rules/law for your jurisdiction. In mine, second jobs, and even overtime if it’s not a condition of employment, are not imputed for child support.
/r/Divorce_Men12/04/25 02:01 PM
8

As someone who needed a divorce because the other party was harming me and the kids with substance use problems, I am so thankful for no fault divorce. My state has a “habitual intemperance” fault category but apparently it hasn’t been enforced in 100 years, and even if it were, it could have cost another 50k to prove the fault. Therefore, without no-fault I would have been stuck potentially financially responsible for someone who drove high out of their mind on medications, not to mention subje…
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 08:40 PM
2

It’s only a problem if you plan on honoring contributions to social security.
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 07:41 PM
11

They might but not maybe in the way you’d want. One of the objectives of the framers of Project 2025 is to eliminate no fault divorce. They don’t say it explicitly, but they often talk about how pro-LGBT policies caused a decline in the nuclear family. Since divorce laws are state laws, cabinet leads like Duffy are instituting policies which prioritize transportation funding based on marriage and birth rates. Trump’s tax plan involves eliminating the Head of Household filing status, for similar …
/r/Divorce_Men15/02/25 04:32 PM
1

It’s the standard deduction that will cost me $1750ish.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 07:51 PM
1

Our decree has me paying more in CS for me to take the child tax credits and therefore use the HoH filing status. This change will directly cost me $1760 a year by applying the standard deduction for single filers.
/r/Divorce_Men27/01/25 05:09 PM
2

I agree that probably helped them find more money.
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 09:22 PM
2

The recipients (ex wives usually) weren’t declaring it as income or paying the tax on it, per IRS analysis, so Trump administration made the change. Edited to add: curious that I’m getting downvoted for stating verifiable facts. Tax Cuts and Jobs Act P.L. 115-97 Why is Alimony No Longer Tax-Deductible? TIGTA reports large increase in alimony tax gap
/r/Divorce_Men26/01/25 03:50 PM
3

The playbook is called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/24 04:23 AM
1

It’s in the state family court rules. You might get away with violating disclosure rules, but you might be found in contempt of court. Depending on the judge, OP’s wife will get his credit card statements, and he may have to pay her attorney’s fees if he made it expensive to do so.
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/24 04:17 AM
2

He seems to be correct in my experience. It took 355 days from filing to get a 2-day trial in my case. The courts are clogged. Judges just think everyone’s an a-hole because of the cases that actually make it to trial usually are comprised of two unreasonable parties. The writing between the lines from the judge in my case was that if we made him decide, neither of us would be happy. So we were all but encouraged to settle and avoid the trial.
/r/Divorce_Men08/11/24 05:42 AM
3

It depends on the severity of the BPD and any comorbidities. I was married to a pw(d)BPD for about 18 years. Obviously BPD was always an issue (financial abuse, devaluation, emotional manipulation) but substance abuse (adderall, Xanax, pain meds) degraded the situation severely over the last 8. It slowly became hell on earth, destroying my physical health and mine and the children’s well being. The year before I filed involved a number of suicide attempts, accidental overdoses, involuntary holds…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/24 04:13 PM
17

Have zero debt and a 6+ month emergency fund, and contribute 15% to my retirement.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/24 03:40 PM
11

I did. Things had gone downhill for several years, but her behavior the last year before filing was putting everyone else in our home at risk. S attempts, threats, psych holds, medication abuse, driving kids medicated, financial abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, physical violence.
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/24 05:44 PM
2

I could tell what you were dealing with before reaching the paragraph about the new diagnosis. I don’t believe in generalizing or demonizing an entire group, but I can share my experience as a data point that it only got worse. Infidelity wasn’t the issue in my relationship, though I suspected it before we married yet never had proof (I know, I’m the idiot). In her case it was substance use issues, threats and attempts of S, and failing to care for the children as a SAHM. You have likely normali…
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/24 05:32 PM
2

16.5 years
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 11:51 AM
4

$23k, no trial. Split most things down the middle. 50/50 parenting time. Spousal support of $2k for 1 year and $1.5 for 3. $1054/mo child support. Ex doesn’t work yet but was imputed at $30k.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/24 04:39 AM
3

This was pretty much the same experience I’ve had. I had been doing 90% or more of the parenting for several years. 50/50 finally gives me some time for myself but I still gladly take the children on her weeks when she can’t.
/r/Divorce_Men09/06/24 10:29 PM
2

I get that. In my case the constant narrative was that I triggered her abuse (e.g., claimed I would provoke her and then begin filming), so I didn’t want to validate it by actually doing so. Sometimes just setting a healthy boundary was enough. I merely stopped caretaking. Still deal with residual FOG. Not so much fear but a sense of obligation and guilt. The fear was real when our finances were tied and we had to cohabitate for financial reasons. Never knowing how my life would be grenaded any …
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 08:04 PM
5

The answers are the same for any of the causes: BIFF communication and limited contact. For example, it doesn’t matter why someone threatens to self delete. You just call emergency services. If they were serious, they needed that kind of help. If they were manipulating you, it takes the power away and they may think twice next time. You really don’t have to (and you may not have the luxury to) get to the root of someone’s behavior in a high conflict divorce. Getting to the root ultimately requir…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 07:30 PM
1

It was clear our judge wasn’t going to let my ex be imputed at $0 for maintenance or child support, prior to any objection from me. The topic only arose in reference to her attorney wanting a two day trial to have time to argue the maintenance case, and nothing was said from my side. The judge said she had to get a job. All I did was show up. I can only speak from my limited experience, but it does not comport with your assertions.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 07:08 PM
4

Those benefits are moot here. He’s not going to drag her in and force her to get diagnosed. He is unlikely to benefit from a diagnosis in court. But he does need to know that patterns of high conflict personality are present and protect himself and children if possible. You can already predict future behavior based on past behavior. It really doesn’t matter what the cause is (unless he wishes to stick around and get his spouse help), and people will use definitions that best fit what they experi…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 06:35 PM
1

It’s assumed the other party will object. I don’t know anyone who stood by and waited for a default judgment imposing terms they weren’t happy with.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 06:19 PM
1

It’s based on what one is capable of making, not what they make. She claims no income but from the OP she is getting paid a lump sum for the summer school break, so she is in fact making money even if it’s up front. Regardless, in many places it is automatic at $15,080 based on the federal minimum wage and in my case the attorneys agreed the judge would likely impute my ex wife at twice that because nobody actually pays minimum wage where I live. My ex is not working at all (yet), for context. I…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 06:01 PM
4

Diagnosis serves to facilitate appropriate treatment. The actions OP should take will be the same whether or not a formal diagnosis exists, and is based on the behavior patterns. Meeting the criteria is literally the basis for a diagnosis, though, after ruling out a differential diagnosis. You are correct that whether someone has a mental illness doesn’t matter. Patterns of behavior do. Edit: the BPD vs. Bipolar thing already clarified.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 04:48 PM
6

Depends where you are I guess. Where I live the minimum they would impute her at is minimum wage unless she has SSI Disability or something.
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/24 05:39 AM
1

I really can’t speak for anyone else, but as someone who recently went through this with a former partner having unmanaged and positively diagnosed borderline personality disorder, it was the significant issue in my divorce, especially when compounded by substance use disorder. I’m not at all perfect, but I was a caretaker for years, putting myself last. It didn’t get me anywhere but my own personal hell. Even after getting myself counseling, giving up alcohol 100%, and setting healthy boundarie…
/r/Divorce_Men29/05/24 11:21 PM
1

Set boundaries. Let her know you’ll limit communication based on these behaviors, then follow through. I recommend limiting communication to written forms. Even if you can’t get her to use the apps, texts or email are fine. Keep communication brief, informative, friendly, and firm. Offer no advice, admonishments, or apologies.
/r/Divorce_Men25/05/24 03:19 AM
3

I’m not sure if you mean a link to my Facebook, but it’s fairly well locked down. I can DM you.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 12:55 AM
2

I took the high road, made no accusations, didn’t comment about her really at all. You can’t match their energy or at best everyone sees two unhinged people, just like will happen in court. I wrote it in such a way that I would have been perfectly comfortable with our judge reading it. Many here would say it was a mistake, based on the other comments, but while I had blocked my wife, she had written defamatory statements that were significant enough to pass through several people to reach my inb…
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 12:52 AM
5

I wrote a super high level “open letter” style Facebook post modified from the one provided in the book “Splitting” which just acknowledged that there was an ongoing divorce, asked that folks check with me before believing things said about me, and discouraged them from taking sides or bothering her or her family on my behalf. It resulted in no drama and received some supportive comments from people I hadn’t been in touch with.
/r/Divorce_Men21/05/24 12:40 AM
2

You’ll be able to write a declaration explaining why you left to give your wife some space and then decided to come back because you thought it was better for the kids. Don’t worry about what she will say unless she has something in writing from you that would indicate your living arrangements are unstable.
/r/Divorce_Men17/05/24 12:20 AM
5

It’s illegal to cheat in some states but it’s usually impossible to prove and doesn’t usually change anything. Similarly, my state has habitual intemperance (drunk or drug addicted for more than one year) as an at fault claim but courts don’t recognize it since it’s a holdover from the prohibition era. I agree with all the comments that one should expect 50/50 as the best outcome that can be achieved.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/24 01:44 PM
10

Classic hoover, perhaps. Wants to keep you on the line for emotional support.
/r/Divorce_Men02/04/24 10:13 PM
2

My physician owned his house before marriage, and his wife changed the locks. I find it’s the luck of the draw with police. The one he called said he’d be charged with malicious injury to property if he damaged the house. Perhaps the charges wouldn’t stick, but he stayed out until the judge ruled in his favor. Edited to add: police responding to my calls to my own house have said they’d charge my wife if she changed the locks on me.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/24 04:34 AM
6

If she batters you, call the police. She will do it again. Go to the doctor for your thumb. Get documentation that it happened.
/r/Divorce_Men09/03/24 03:58 PM
2

I got good at it as a child reading to my younger sister so she could follow along.
/r/Divorce_Men03/03/24 09:22 PM
5

Read the book “Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder”
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 03:13 AM
2

He’s been walking on eggshells his entire marriage. It could be aggravated, but I bet it’s a PD.
/r/Divorce_Men02/02/24 03:12 AM
1

I used to believe in that. Now, I believe I’m just showing my kids to put up with this kind of relationship and that they will have more attachment issues, the longer I stay.
/r/Divorce_Men18/11/23 03:04 PM
2

But if the man is really contemplating it normally things are dire. I filed. Dire it was (and remains).
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 04:19 AM
2

It’s more for the ones contemplating or facing it, imho. The ones who have been through are kind enough to stick around and guide us.
/r/Divorce_Men09/10/23 04:17 AM
2

Child abuse is forty times more likely with a non biological adult in the home.
/r/Divorce_Men06/10/23 10:03 PM
1

In my state I’ve got to keep the albatross around my neck until the divorce decree.
/r/Divorce_Men02/10/23 05:24 AM
0

lol whut
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/23 03:37 AM
1

Always be recording.
/r/Divorce_Men29/09/23 03:34 AM
2

Nice to hear a success story from someone else who initiated it. I don’t exactly identify with all the posts where the wife has cheated or filed. I feel lumped in with the men who abandoned a caring spouse because mine wasn’t cheating. However, I’ve put up with a lot of abuse. Did you end up needing to pay significant alimony given the length of the marriage? I’m looking at 5 years where I live after 16 years (so far - she’s dragging it out).
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/23 11:29 PM
1

Idaho judges provide “rehabilitative spousal maintenance” for typically one third of the length of the marriage (so I’m told) when the other spouse “needs” a leg up until they can support themselves, and depending on age and ability to work, will award “lifetime spousal maintenance.” Unlike child support, spousal maintenance is awarded while taking into account the paying spouse’s ability to maintain their own standard of living.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/23 09:31 PM
2

What if stbx is abusive to you and neglects the children but refuses anything less than primary custody and exorbitant spousal support? If she won’t settle, we’ve got to go to trial, right?
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/23 07:27 PM
3

Just because something has been a certain way is not a good argument against changing it. I did CBT therapy and it gave me tools to handle the abuse from my stbxwBPD. Now I’m getting free since she wouldn’t work on her issues.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 10:57 PM
6

Smdh
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/23 07:36 PM
1

I’m no psychologist, but I’d eat my hat if she’s not BPD. Any substances involved? That’s what took our relationship from rocky to unbearable. Edited to add: get the book “Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder,” use No Contact. If it’s not possible, try grey rocking. Keep communication BIFF: brief, informative, firm, and friendly.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 05:35 AM
2

Subtract the value of pension at time of marriage from the current valuation of pension, divide in half. You’ll owe her that, plus half of any real property you didn’t own prior to marriage.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/23 02:59 AM
1

You do want to file first.
/r/Divorce_Men27/07/23 04:13 PM
1

Thank you! Obviously everything will be run past my attorney, but this is what I was hoping for. Her lawyer isn’t obtuse, even if he’s very rigid. This must be intentionally annoying. He set a 2-day trial because they are 11 months out. Keeping me paying support as long as possible.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/23 03:12 AM
1

While technically untrue (I still have to support her at present because of it), I understand your sentiment, but it isn’t needed here. I don’t have that kind of hang up. I filed first. I’m just pissed off that every little thing has to be difficult. It’s already terribly expensive.
/r/Divorce_Men20/07/23 12:34 AM
1

Yes. Is this 5k a flat fee or retainer? In the case of the latter, should you keep your consults minimal in the event things do remain amicable, you may get some of that back. My divorce may cost me $20k in attorney’s fees (contested), but “winning” may save me 5 times that in spousal support and unequal division of assets and debts.
/r/Divorce_Men14/07/23 07:08 AM
1

I still love my stbx, but I love myself enough that I will no longer tolerate her abusive behavior. She gets confused about this, and believe I must hate her to have had enough.
/r/Divorce_Men12/07/23 06:32 PM
3

People who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder lack a stable identify and often mirror their partner.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/23 07:59 PM
3

Might be BPD mirroring new guy.
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/23 07:41 PM
2

Does it count if my wife’s behavior got so bad at age 41-42 that I filed for divorce?
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/23 07:11 PM
1

Call the cops. I sure wish I had.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/23 07:09 AM
1

Does she have a fear of abandonment or alternate between idealizing and devaluing you? Sounds a little on the BPD side by attacking your mental health and making these threats to deprive you of your child. There are some good books but I recommend “Splitting” by Randi Kreger and Bill Eddy.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/23 07:07 AM
5

She probably was not reasonable and would not settle for something that wasn’t horrible for him. Just a guess.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/23 06:51 AM
1

Our agreement is still informal (not court documented). However, because it exists as a status quo, I believe she has a leg to stand on in getting the court to force me to continue support if I cut her off. But what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, so it may behoove me to establish what support I agree to provide while the divorce is unfinalized with the court. Due to her disorder, she has cognitive distortions about who’s fault in all of this and has convinced her attorney that I’m …
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/23 06:42 AM
1

She threatens to get temporary orders to include temporary spousal support all the time. She hasn’t worked in four years. As I understand it, after she was served, my income became separate property, but the court will expect me to support her in keeping with the status quo until there is a divorce decree. I have opened a new account, where my direct deposit goes. I’ve been keeping a fraction of the mortgage payment and my own spending money each week and moving the rest to joint checking. If I …
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/23 06:26 AM
2

I’ve basically done exactly what you described in terms of moving into the basement. If I had to, I could live the rest of my life this way but I’m desperate to get her finances separate from mine, even if I’m paying various amounts of support for a decade.
/r/Divorce_Men09/07/23 01:13 AM
2

My stbx has been disposing of nostalgic memories conspicuously. It’s more like she’s trying to hurt me than help herself. I don’t care though, it’s just stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men07/07/23 03:19 AM
4

I bought into the idea of being the sole breadwinner on account of believing my wife would do all the things on the home front. If my wife had actually been taking care of our children, the home (cleaning), and me (meals, clothing), I wouldn’t be so averse to the idea that she gets half. Instead, I was doing it all for the past 4 years while she laid around and abused drugs and me. Her lawyer has convinced her she is entitled to substantially unequal division of debts and assets in her favor as …
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/23 05:00 PM
3

I wrestle with these feelings daily. I’m trying to see the glass half full (that’s the optimistic side, right?). I’ve marked on a calendar the dates that I will be done with spousal support and child support. On the latter I will finally be free, at 52 years old. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t balk at the idea of supporting my children. I’d just rather do it directly and not feed that woman money she may or may not spend on them. Of course none of this even starts until I can make it to trial in 10…
/r/Divorce_Men06/07/23 02:45 AM
4

There should never be a screaming (or worse) stage. Unless the man changed from how he was before marriage (i.e., used to put dishes away and now doesn’t) she has no right to expect it. And even in that case she can talk about it or decide to leave, but we’ve got to stop normalizing abuse.
/r/Divorce_Men29/06/23 07:36 PM
1

I agree with your last sentence. Cops did nothing when my wife threw our 10,000 btu/hr air conditioner out the window because she didn’t like which window it was installed in and I didn’t move it to a different window within the timeframe she imagined I promised I would. My state’s malicious injury to property law explicitly covers community property destroyed without the other spouse’s permission.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 08:46 PM
3

I refuse to continue to set the example that one a spouse should tolerate and accept abuse from the other.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 05:37 PM
4

Might set more of your world on fire, but you do have a right to have them trespassed.
/r/Divorce_Men27/06/23 06:12 AM
1

Thank you. Then I shall trust my attorney in his estimation that it will not be as high or as long as I fear. My attorney knows all of the judges (obviously), and disqualified the original judge, causing us to draw a favorable one.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 06:22 PM
1

Just refer them to the Goldwater rule.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 04:37 AM
1

Or borderlines.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 04:35 AM
1

Any idea about whether his voicemail recording is long gone? Seems he may not have thought to save it until the trouble at work. Evidence is everything. Even if he has it, he doesn’t for all the ridiculous other claims.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 04:05 AM
2

Thank god. I’ve refused to leave on account of my wife’s track record for not caring for the kids. She’s threatened to get temporary orders to throw me out and make me pay her support (because I called the police when she threw an air conditioner out the window). Presently I live in the basement and I still provide through a budget exactly as was done prior to filing. I’ve already written my declaration in opposition to her orders request littered with exhibits demonstrating her lack of care and…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 03:59 AM
1

Thankfully I started audio recording on April 24th, a day before she threatened me with calling the police if I used her car to go to work as I had been doing for 1.5 months, harassed me when I tried to work from home, threatened to throw my things down the stairs if I didn’t move out of the bedroom, and threaten to press charges, all because I wouldn’t buy her THC carts. Also got audio of her threatening to obtain a protection order. I have video of her screaming expletives “FU” and “STFU” at o…
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 03:27 AM
8

I had to look up the term “starfish sex,” but immediately related. We had a 3 year dry spell after the birth of our second child, then probably 4 times a year, in that mode, until I just stopped trying 18 months ago.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 03:20 AM
1

She’s told me as much. I’m trying to gauge the likelihood that she will get permanent support and whether her behavior would support a reduced amount. As I understand the concept, unlike child support, spousal support is ordered with consideration of the paying spouse’s ability to maintain a lifestyle as well.
/r/Divorce_Men25/06/23 02:13 AM
3

I live in Idaho. There are no medical cards. The highway patrol once busted a truck load of hemp so they could test it to make sure it had zero THC (there’s no allowable threshold).
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/23 11:18 PM
2

Idaho.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/23 09:49 PM
1

Oh we definitely both agree there. I could give other examples of people who have lost all motivation and spark. Tons of people can drink alcohol in moderation too. Doesn’t mean for some people it isn’t really bad.
/r/Divorce_Men24/06/23 12:42 AM
2

I disagree. Not everyone has trouble with weed, of course. However, nobody deprives you of transportation, threatens to blackmail you through disclosing your former pot use to your employer, and threatens to press charges against you for “assault” to get tea or soda. My wife did for THC carts.
/r/Divorce_Men23/06/23 07:14 AM
3

Mine’s a borderline. I too could write a book. My therapist’s very advice at the end of Tuesday’s session, was to get used to saying “No.”
/r/Divorce_Men22/06/23 03:20 AM
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