Of the many concerns I have now that I’m seeking a divorce, one that really bothers me is the idea that I may have to pay most of my net income in child support and spousal support. I don’t balk at child support, though I’d rather have primary custody on account of my wife’s history of being abusive and neglectful. So, focusing solely on the spousal maintenance, I live in a state with no alimony law, but where it’s customary (precedent) for judges to grant an amount for about a third as many years as the length of the marriage. I wouldn’t have as much of a problem with this if my wife had been good to me and done her share around the house, considering I’ve been the sole breadwinner since she quit her last job almost 4 years ago. However, I’m claiming the difficult to prove allegation of extreme cruelty. Since April of 2022, I’ve been documenting her verbal abuse, bullying, substance abuse, and threats. I’ve been able to get her to admit in writing to some of her physical assaults. I have hundreds of messages where she is threatening me because I won’t give her adderall (or later buy her THC carts).

Two years ago, I changed job positions to be closer to home and have more flexibility. Because she could not do so reliably, I basically took the kids to school every day, handled their doctor appointments, parent teacher conferences, bought all the groceries, cooked all the meals, did the majority of housework, all while working full time in such a manner that I’ve earned 24% in increases in 15 months. I make enough for a family of four to live comfortably, but due to my own ignorance and anxiety, I allowed her (in part) to help herself to a lifestyle that was beyond our means.

I was stupid and hated the fights about money so I let her handle the bills because I didn’t have need to spend much but she like me to. This led to a bankruptcy in 2015, and her taking advantage of a mortgage forbearance in 2021. We could have been paying the mortgage but she spends available money like a vacuum, and being permitted to pay less was a signal for her to ramp up her spending. Once that situation was resolved, we were “caught up” but owe a 12.8k balloon payment in 2043. I thought we were on track again when I needed to replace a vehicle following a collision to find out she had taken out multiple credit cards without my knowledge and racked up $4,000 on them, and was also behind $2,300 on the mortgage again.

Needless to say, better late than never, I took control of our finances. I righted the mortgage with part of my settlement for the vehicle, moved my direct deposit to a new account, where I set aside money for the mortgage and other critical bills. I still pay for everything she needs in accordance with a budget she gets to review and provide input on. This includes splitting about $1,000 a month between us for discretionary spending money. If I had my druthers, she would do without quite a bit that she is accustomed to. Because of me taking control, she threatened me a bunch that she was going to perjure herself and file for a restraining order to kick me out of the house. I ended up filing one against her for that reason and her actual physical abuse plus recent emotional abuse is the children.

Whenever I demand she stick to the budget, she threatens for temporary orders. She says her attorney is going to ask for $5k alimony and $2k child support per month. Obviously she isn’t going to get anything close to that. For one thing, child support payments are fairly standardized and my attorney estimates I would pay $1,600. For maintenance I could maybe see her getting at most, $3,700, and my attorney suggested it may be as high as $2,000, probably for 5 years.

My wife has complained she is unable to work or help me around the house due to a mysterious “auto immune” disorder that gives her extreme fatigue. I think in reality, which I can’t prove, it’s that she’s addicted to amphetamine, and doesn’t make enough dopamine to do daily tasks. The only medication she receives for her illness are multiple stimulant prescriptions and one for an antipsychotic.

My attorney says the court will assume she can work full time earning at least minimum wage, or maybe as much as she made in her last job, provided she is not adjudicated as being disabled per the SSA. I can’t afford to bug my attorney for every anxiety, and I know we will discuss these concerns at a later time, but I thought I’d ask among the collective experience here what I might expect. She’s only 42, but I have a deep seated fear she will gain the sympathy of a judge with her manipulative nature and convince him I owe her for life on account of her “infirmity.” She’s now getting a bunch of expensive but overdue medical care done; further inflating the impression about her needs for living expenses.

Edited to add: she also has massive student loans (52.6k) I’ve been paying $503/month on for which she completed no degree.