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Mighty_Wombat42 Archive

View 6 posts and 342 comments by Mighty_Wombat42 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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6

I don’t think you’ve ruined your marriage with this. Yes it is a serious problem, but you recognize that, accept how you’ve contributed to the problem, and want to change. That’s a good first step. So what should you do? Reframe. Paying all the bills is not the only, main, or most important way to provide for someone. Have you considered your husband may want you to work because that’s his way of making sure you have the lifestyle you want? Or that he is protecting you from being screwed over fi…
/r/RedPillWomen05/04/24 05:32 AM
24

One point that isn’t always mentioned in either red pill or tradcon circles is that going for older men is not always the best way to secure marriage. Of course, there are plenty of men who build their lives up in their 20s and early 30s and then start looking for a wife in their mid 30s to mid 40s, otherwise it would not be a trope. But there are also men who are unmarried by their mid to late 30s because they simply do not wish to marry. Now that he has meant are more established and successfu…
/r/RedPillWomen03/04/24 03:58 AM
9

Do RPW wait for sex until after marriage? Some of us, like myself, do believe in that. Others have sex after commitment but before marriage, and still others have sex early on in the dating process. RPW is a toolbox, not an ideology, so there are strategies here that can be used by women who wait and women who don’t. Sex before committing can be a strategy employed by some women to secure a higher SMV man than they otherwise could. I suggest reading this post from ECs here that explains the pros…
/r/RedPillWomen01/04/24 03:57 PM
2

This is good advice, thanks! Throughout this dating journey I’ve been trying to challenge myself to rethink assumptions I have about men and relationships. I’ve met men in church who were just trying to get sex, and also have met a couple from apps that have been very respectful of my physical boundaries. I do want to make sure I’m doing my part by being clear about what I am looking for and my intentions, since I don’t want to mislead anyone. But if I have given a man that information, I can’t …
/r/RedPillWomen24/03/24 05:24 AM
2

Time limits are a great idea! Currently my rule is I only check the apps while I’m doing something active, like taking a walk or doing my cardio at the gym, but a timer would avoid the temptation to just do some extra treadmill time and spend more time on them. I hadn’t considered that men would be delaying asking to meet to make us feel comfortable! I will try being more direct in letting them know that I want to meet up IRL. I think you’re right about those men being my best bet. I do make sur…
/r/RedPillWomen23/03/24 05:45 AM
3

See that’s exactly what I’ve been doing and it hasn’t been working. Let me clarify that marriage is not an end goal for me, finding a man who I want to spend the rest of my life with is. I’m quite content to remain single forever if I never meet someone who I would be happy to see waiting for me as I walk down the aisle. I’m not trying to build a relationship on butterflies. But I do want a man who feels he can grow to love me, and who I feel I can grow to respect. As you said, I’m on the wrong …
/r/RedPillWomen23/03/24 05:22 AM
2

This is really helpful, thank you so much! Right now it seems I’m having a calibration issue. I wasn’t attracted to the men who were interested in me, so I did nun mode and improved my SMV enough to be in the same league as the men I’m interested in. But I think in some ways I’m still operating as if I were still fat and ugly. Like when I get matches from men who aren’t obese there’s a part of me who assumes they’re not really interested beyond sex, and I’m also pressuring myself to talk to men …
/r/RedPillWomen23/03/24 12:23 AM
2

This is great advice. I had to learn this the hard way. Part of it for me was that I was a chubby kid and the ugliest of my sisters, so I got the message that any man who expressed interest in me was doing me a favor. So I grew up feeling like if a guy wanted to talk to me, I owed him something for his time and effort. Combine that with defaulting to “fawn” as my fear response, and I was basically unable to reject men outright as I’d either feel like I was doing something wrong, or was worried t…
/r/RedPillWomen22/03/24 03:07 AM
10

Disclaimer that the following is my personal opinion and does not necessarily reflect the views of every woman on this sub or red pill theory. TL;DR the big issues are: risk of the porn addict developing a fetish that makes you sexually incompatible, dead bedroom because he prefers porn to you, you feeling pressured (by him or by your own desire to keep him happy) to do unsafe things, the porn addict developing low self esteem and insecurity around his addiction, the partner having a higher risk…
/r/RedPillWomen20/03/24 09:47 PM
3

This is a great analysis that emphasizes how there is an aspect of RMV that is relative to each person. The only thing I’ll add is that both women had good knowledge of themselves and were intentional in pursuing what they wanted. The baroness didn’t try to be more like Maria to keep the captain interested, she just recognized the incompatibility and moved on, which cleared the way for him to be with Maria who was better suited for him. Being intentional with dating means sometimes things won’t …
/r/RedPillWomen19/03/24 10:09 PM
4

TL;DR: vet, get to know him, pay attention to actions as well as words, don’t build up a relationship in your head before it happens, don’t dismiss the possibility that he may want an LTR with you either, and consider how his religious values may affect his behavior relative to red pill theory. Don’t build up a relationship in your head before it happens IRL. This helps you avoid covert contracts as well as protects you emotionally. Right now, he’s an attractive and seemingly compatible man you’…
/r/RedPillWomen19/03/24 04:29 AM
1

Our feelings aren’t really right or wrong, they just kind of are. I find it more productive to ask if my feelings regarding a situation are helpful in this context or not. If the feelings are helpful, they should be factored into your decision making. If not, you should address them in a productive way that allows you to acknowledge them without letting them control you. Is it helpful to be mad at him? The surface would say no, if increasing your body count was a mutual decision then you are res…
/r/RedPillWomen14/03/24 08:32 PM
3

These are all great! A follow-up to your second question for those of us who want marriage and/or are already mothers might be If something were to happen to me, do I trust him to raise our/my children? It’s vetting for shared values and if you trust him to be responsible in your absence.
/r/RedPillWomen14/03/24 07:34 PM
3

I’m not currently in an LTR but I do also have ADHD and I understand your need for specific instructions. My parents were a mixed culture marriage and throughout my childhood, there would be things that I or my siblings did that our dad and most other adults were fine with, but my mom found extremely disrespectful. Once I got old enough to recognize what was going on, she and I had a conversation about it. She thought I was doing things on purpose to upset her. I thought she was getting mad arbi…
/r/RedPillWomen08/03/24 01:18 AM
3

Since I’m one of the more sympathetic-to-feminism commenters here, I’d like to jump in with why I think this is a terrible idea and what I suggest you do instead. False empowerment. You don’t actually have power in this situation. A man chooses to spend money on you. These are probably men who are physically stronger than you. There’s also the asymmetry in that a reputation for promiscuity will have far more social consequences for you, while in his case it’s neutral or an advantage. And remembe…
/r/RedPillWomen07/03/24 05:06 AM
3

That’s great! It seems like he has a solid foundation for his faith. In this case, I think you can relax a little about your concern of his getting bored without sex. Yes it’s important to guys, but they can also have self control and delay gratification. These are important traits to look for in a husband, and to cultivate in yourself if you wish to be a wife. Trust that he knows what he signed up for and what he wants. And as Christians, we believe that God can help us to stick to our values a…
/r/RedPillWomen03/03/24 07:02 PM
11

OP I am also a virgin waiting for marriage for faith-related and personal reasons. I want to second the comment about the financial benefits of marriage! If you’re in the US, getting married will allow you to fill out the FAFSA under your and your husband’s income, not your parents’, so depending on your family situation you may be eligible for more federal financial aid. This is in addition to saving on taxes and many other benefits. Don’t get married to save a bit on your student loans, but if…
/r/RedPillWomen03/03/24 05:49 AM
8

My answer for me would be a firm no. My answer for other women is maybe, it depends on the circumstances of your relationship and your desired outcome. It’s a no for me because I don’t intend to live or have sex with a man prior to marriage. So my definition of serious relationship might require a lot less commitment than yours does. I think if you are having sex, living together, owning assets together, coparenting, or receiving financial support from a man, all of those things can affect what …
/r/RedPillWomen29/02/24 01:28 AM
7

I agree with the commenter who said it can work if both parties are getting involved for reasons beyond attraction. Arranged marriages weren’t blind dates; usually your families are heavily involved, invested, and vetting the other person for you. Most cultures these days who do arranged marriages will allow the intended spouses to spend some time together before getting engaged, depending on the culture that may be alone together, together in public, or with a chaperone. But also in these situa…
/r/RedPillWomen27/02/24 03:01 AM
1

I agree about the risks you mentioned and that they would be present in dating in general. The other risk is of getting emotionally attached and then forming a covert contract that leads to bitterness. Like “I was there for him and gave him my prime years and he won’t settle down/leave his wife for me?” mindset. Mentorship is often a part of this dynamic. My friends do genuinely care for and support their sugar daddies, and vice versa. There is loyalty involved too. One of my friends stayed with…
/r/RedPillWomen24/02/24 10:12 PM
3

That’s an interesting point about Leo’s ex-girlfriends. Personally my theory is that it depends on how they approach it and if they knew the expiration date of the relationship going in. I think that the women who are able to be in that kind of situation with minimal emotional damage are viewing themselves more as a Splenda/sugar baby than a girlfriend who may be upgraded to wife status one day. And just to be clear I’m not saying that in a negative way at all, I have friends who have had deep a…
/r/RedPillWomen24/02/24 04:59 AM
2

I’m a 5’2” woman. I want a man who is taller than me and I have never been called shallow for that. I have called other women shallow if they were like my height and insisted on only dating men 6’ or above. I think it’s perfectly natural as a woman to not want to be much larger than your partner, although it’s fine to not care about that too. Now I do still think having a height gap preference is shallow (like someone my height insisting on 6’+ is very different than someone 5’11” having the sam…
/r/RedPillWomen17/02/24 09:26 PM
2

There are a bunch of issues you’ve brought up here. I’ll try to address the main ones separately. feeling like girls are overreacting talking about boys: I felt that way in high school, it changed when I got to college and met guys that were both physically attractive and intellectually in my league. I was the smart kid in high school and into alternative fashion, so part of my problem was that I believed I had to dumb myself down and have an entirely different personality in order to get a rela…
/r/RedPillWomen17/02/24 06:06 AM
2

I am not a mother, but I have dealt with severe PTSD that was affecting my relationships with friends and family. I found that a powerful tool to help that was to express my appreciation instead of apologizing for being a mess. Instead of “I’m sorry you have to put up with me when I’m having an anxiety attack”, I changed it to “thank you for being there for me. I know it may not seem like it in the moment, but knowing I have a safe and reliable person to turn to for help makes a huge difference.…
/r/RedPillWomen17/02/24 04:28 AM
2

I am also using dating apps currently and have encountered a similar issue the first time I tried to use the apps. I didn’t want to be mean or shallow, so I was swiping right on any man whose profile didn’t scream “serial killer” or “looking for casual sex only”. I felt like I owed it to the men on the apps to reward them for putting effort into their profiles by swiping right on them. This resulted in me having a ton of chats with men who I wasn’t interested in seeing or even talking to. It was…
/r/RedPillWomen17/02/24 04:04 AM
1

I am also abstinent and currently dating. I agree with the general principle of sooner is better, and my specific strategies for how to approach that conversation depends on the context in which I met the man. One universal principle I’ve found is that how I say it is just as important as when I say it. My reasons for waiting are due to personal beliefs about the role of sex in intimate relationships and the purpose of marriage, both of which are informed by my faith tradition. I am a virgin and…
/r/RedPillWomen14/02/24 03:55 AM
6

I love that this idea gives each party the ability to express how something may be a big deal to them without criticizing the other partner for seeing it as less of a big deal. Your system keeps the focus on the aggrieved party communicating their needs with the desire to make amends, not keeping score of who messed up worse. It also sounds like over time it would help you to learn about what positive actions each partner truly values, which can help avoid the resentment that arise when we spend…
/r/RedPillWomen12/02/24 03:16 AM
1

If it’s mainly the last minute cancelling that upsets you, then perhaps a family calendar would help? Like when they make plans they can put it into a shared Google calendar (or similar app) and add him and you so that you’ll be able to make your own plans around it? I wouldn’t bring this up unprompted, maybe next time he’s expressing a desire to improve this situation you could gently suggest that it’s the uncertainty and last-minute nature of these plans that bother you, and you’d love to help…
/r/RedPillWomen10/02/24 07:17 PM
–

So I’m religious and personally would not move in with a man prior to marriage, and know many people who feel this way, and despite that, I don’t think that cohabitation or the label used are indicators of whether a man over 25 sees you as “wife material”. It may be different for younger men but I’d keep in mind that younger guys may be more likely to be against marriage in general, or to use neutral terms like partner out of habit or to be inclusive. I think the more accurate statement would be…
/r/RedPillWomen09/02/24 05:01 AM
1

Thank you so much! I’m glad my comments are helpful to other women here, I’ve learned so much from all of you!
/r/RedPillWomen07/02/24 05:59 PM
2

I am similar to you in background and in a similar field. The good thing about our line of work is we aren’t hurting for jobs right now. If you get married and decide to take a few months or even a couple years off to be a SAHM, it will affect your career a bit but you will likely still be able to find work if you choose to return. But also, you won’t know how motherhood affects you until you become one, and you may find you have no desire to return to work right away as you’d rather be with you…
/r/RedPillWomen04/02/24 05:11 AM
8

I understand the desire to find out if your partner will be unfaithful before you invest, but as u/RatchedAngle said, some people will pass the test at one point and then fail it after a midlife crisis or change in morals. That’s exactly what happened with my own parents. If you find yourself in that unfortunate situation, there’s nothing you could have done to prevent it, but you can choose how you respond. You can have the mindset that you wasted however many years on a no-good partner, or you…
/r/RedPillWomen04/02/24 03:53 AM
2

This is an excellent point and I agree. I am a big believer in trying to learn from the mistakes and successes of others, especially as I don’t have a lot of relationship experience myself. I know some things can only be learned by trial and error, but a lot of issues can be prevented by having a good understanding of yourself and where potential issues may occur. A lot of my parents’ issues came down to failures in vetting. My mom was focused on vetting according to the standards of her own cul…
/r/RedPillWomen04/02/24 02:35 AM
1

Since roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce, I wouldn’t be too worried about being labeled by others. As far as being a step-mom, it makes a difference how old his current child is. An ideal stepmother is a woman who is confident enough to not be jealous of the ex-wife or his children with her, mature enough to be respectful about his ex when his kid might overhear, and loving enough to extend equal affection and support to her step-child as she gives her own children, even if it’s not in the …
/r/RedPillWomen03/02/24 04:45 AM
2

I don’t personally use the label anymore but I have a very similar stance to you. I’m not going to force my views on anyone but I wouldn’t be surprised if a decent number of regular commenters here aligned with some feminist principles and I do know quite a few women in my feminist/women’s rights advocate circles that would heavily align with RPW advice when it comes to heterosexual relationships. Like you, when I first heard of this sub I thought it was going to be a bunch of self-hating women …
/r/RedPillWomen03/02/24 03:11 AM
3

To me, the limit is how many my future husband and I could practically take care of. I’d like to have at least 2 kids. I’m one of 4, but due to my age it might be hard for me to have that many unless I have twins or adopt (which I would like to do regardless). I am religious, was home schooled, would like to home school my kids, and view a big family as a blessing, but I would not want to be in a “20 kids and counting” situation where I’m perpetually on bed rest until menopause, and reliant on t…
/r/RedPillWomen02/02/24 04:22 AM
6

First, I should define what “being a RPW” means to me. I’d say it’s about being a woman who: - is in touch with reality - is in touch with herself: open and honest about her desires, and aware of how realistic they are - takes responsibility for her own fulfillment and happiness and for achieving her goals The simplest explanation is that I believe this mindset 1) is crucial to maintaining a happy and healthy male-led and/or traditional relationship, and 2) is beneficial to women, independent of…
/r/RedPillWomen02/02/24 03:58 AM
2

You make a good point about emotional maturity, that will help too. It’s fair that you feel sad, it is unfortunate that your child’s father doesn’t want to play a role in their life. That would be the ideal situation, but the next best thing would be to do your best to have strong male role models around your kid, and to demonstrate a healthy attitude towards them. You can do this in small ways by not talking badly about your kid’s dad to them or where they might hear, by expressing gratitude fo…
/r/RedPillWomen30/01/24 12:24 AM
24

From what you’ve shared with us, it looks like you’re going to be a single mother. Don’t pay too much attention to the blanket statistics- being a single mom by choice in your late 30s is very different from being one by accident in your late teens. I am assuming you have a stable career. If not, make that your priority in terms of being able to care for the child. One lesson you can learn from this situation is how relationships can change up dramatically when a major stressor like this is adde…
/r/RedPillWomen29/01/24 06:02 AM
11

First off, he seems like a genuinely good guy and father. This is not to criticize him at all. I’m coming from the perspective of someone who was the child in this situation. My father navigated similar issues with his second marriage and I respect the balance he was able to find between his second wife and his children (we were all older, I was an adult by the time they married so I don’t see her as a step-mom). But it was hard on both of them. The reality of it is, the absolute best case scena…
/r/RedPillWomen28/01/24 06:55 AM
2

I wouldn’t give up hope yet if you’re interested in him. Depending on his job, that texting frequency is pretty normal. My texting with the guy I’m talking to is like that, as is my texting with my BFF, since I don’t have the kind of job where I can be on my phone all the time. If you otherwise like him and have good conversations, you could try lowkey giving him ideas about your availability and possible activities. I was in a somewhat similar situation to you where we had a great first date, b…
/r/RedPillWomen25/01/24 03:40 AM
1

People asking for relationship advice on Reddit tend to give a specific scenario and may be a few other anecdotes that are similar. People giving advice do not see the rest of the relationship, the good things that made them get together in the first place, or even the neutral ones. Think of your current relationship, and the biggest fight or problem you’ve had. Now, imagine it’s your child or your best friend in a relationship, and all you know about it is this fight or problem. You’d probably …
/r/RedPillWomen18/01/24 03:57 AM
7

I agree with your statement and enjoyed the article. This touches on a nuance that seems to be missing from a lot of conversations about gender roles in heterosexual relationships: certain masculine and feminine traits, such as dominance, submission, leading, and following, can be learned behaviors as well as innate traits. I may be breaking a little with RP theory here but I don’t believe that boys are born knowing how to lead in a way that benefits themselves and their followers- rather, they …
/r/RedPillWomen16/01/24 12:55 AM
1

Gold diggers take and don’t give anything back. Graciously receiving a gift from someone who wants to give you one is the opposite of that. It’s not about him spending money, it’s about you giving him an opportunity to show that he cares about you in a way that comes naturally to him. Also, as a woman who has gift giving as a love language, I get the greatest enjoyment when I’m giving something the person really needs, or something they really want but couldn’t or wouldn’t get for themselves. In…
/r/RedPillWomen15/01/24 01:13 AM
3

Regarding your opinion on porn, it’s an interesting perspective. I think it could and does work well for some women, not so much for others, depending on what her opinion of porn is and why. Personally, I find the idea of my partner consuming it strongly objectionable for religious reasons, even if we weren’t seeing the ways that overconsumption of it negatively affects many men and boys, and the ways participation in it negatively affects many performers, women and girls especially. But just as…
/r/RedPillWomen10/01/24 05:23 AM
1

Thank you for the in depth reply! That does make sense, I feel like I understand those men’s thought process a lot more now. It’s sad to me that young men would feel envious of attractive women for having it easy in dating, while some young women are envious of successful men for the ways they have it easier in other aspects of life, instead of trying to empathize with each other. But at the same time, I can relate. I wasn’t the best looking in high school and I often felt that kind of envy for …
/r/RedPillWomen10/01/24 04:48 AM
3

they want to see women lose as much as they want to win That point is helping me make sense of something I’ve been thinking about with the rhetoric of “the wall”. I’ve been wondering what is behind the rhetoric about the age of “the wall” becoming younger and younger. 35 makes sense as that’s when most women experience a sharp decline in fertility, but now I’m seeing people place it at 25 or even younger. Some of it is people conflating “this is my opinion of the average age of peak female attra…
/r/RedPillWomen09/01/24 11:41 PM
3

Whether time is “running out” depends on some things: do you want kids? Do you need to make changes to improve your confidence before you start dating? If so, how long will that take? Be conscious of the timetable especially for fertility, but at your age it’s not cause to panic, just make actionable plan and you’ll be fine. As for whether you date, that comes down to whether you have men interested in dating (not FWB, not ONS, actually dating) you now and whether you’re interested in them. Ther…
/r/RedPillWomen09/01/24 09:01 PM
6

First, I should state that I don’t view “traditional” and “male-led” relationships as synonymous with each other or with a woman being submissive to romantic partners. Traditional in a romantic context does vary between cultures and individuals, while I see the latter two traits as more objective. To answer your questions: no, no, no Yes for me personally, no in general. To me, being traditional is about embracing my culture’s historic values, which includes religion, hospitality, morals, values…
/r/RedPillWomen15/12/23 09:27 PM
2

In a context where I think it would be productive, I will explain why I think that disparaging traditional women is sexist as it unfairly ignores the valuable work women do in the home. If it’s online, the person is not willing to consider an alternative viewpoint, or it’s a “male feminist”, I just ignore them as it’s not worth disturbing my peace to engage in an unproductive conversation. For productive conversations, since I consider myself both a traditional woman (religious conservative, wan…
/r/RedPillWomen09/12/23 05:03 AM
20

TL;DR: NO. To do so would be unfair to him, you, and your child. Let’s approach this from some different angles: Motherhood: You’re a mom, you know your son’s needs come first which is why you want him to have a stable household. But you couldn’t resist the temptation to sleep with other guys, will that change once you’re married? Do you think you can live the rest of your life with a higher degree of self-control than you’ve exhibited so far? If so, do you think you can live the rest of your li…
/r/RedPillWomen21/11/23 07:35 PM
1

Because I need to live long enough to become a home owner, so I can get my security deposit back! Jk jk I have a lot of reasons: my family and friends, my faith, being able to help others, my career, learning, various hobbies, appreciating animals and nature, the joy I get from taking a walk on the beach at sunset, or in the city or country at sunset, stargazing, spending quality time with loved ones and alone, seeing a great meme for the first time… I really appreciate the little joys and pleas…
/r/RedPillWomen15/11/23 01:23 AM
4

Exactly. I am not advocating for marrying someone who like works part time at McDonald’s for minimum wage and has 0 ambition or desire to provide, but I’m from a similar background to you and have seen so many happy marriages with SAHMs among working class families. I’ve also encountered several younger women and girls who genuinely think they can’t be a housewife or SAHM unless their partner makes like over $250K a year, and that’s just not true. Like anything in life, both parties may have to …
/r/RedPillWomen11/11/23 03:00 AM
11

Honestly I think the devaluing of the traditional housewife/SAHM has led to a lot of people today not really understanding what that role entails and assuming it’s basically the same as being a “kept woman”. Even when we talk about things in terms of “work or stay home” (which I am guilty of myself), it ignores the fact that for all but the top 1-5% of women since the invention of agriculture, those who did have a choice had the options of working outside or within the home. The nature of the la…
/r/RedPillWomen10/11/23 02:29 AM
6

As an evangelical, I wouldn’t recommend someone like you dating a devout evangelical. I think your ideal match would be more of a Jordan Peterson type, someone who respects religion for its cultural contributions, promotion of self discipline, and social order, rather than a born again believer. For one thing, you would be considered an “unequally yoked” pairing. A devout evangelical man may catch feelings and be willing to marry you, but eventually would become frustrated if you didn’t convert.…
/r/RedPillWomen08/11/23 04:43 AM
1

First off I think everything in Jenn’s comment is spot on! I am also a virgin waiting for marriage and a little older than you. The book “Surrendered Single” by Laura Doyle was recommended to me here, I’ve found it very helpful and maybe you will as well! So your and my long term dating pool is going to consist of two types of men: 1) guys who are waiting for marriage for their own reasons, and 2) guys with past experience who would be willing to wait for us. In the USA, these are not the majori…
/r/RedPillWomen07/11/23 04:54 AM
6

I am open to a range of body types if he has good character, personality, style, grooming, and hygiene. Skinny guys are not necessarily a unattractive as long as they’re not underweight, but I’m not a super tiny woman and I’d feel self conscious with a partner I’m both taller and wider than. I’m not into the super bulky or super shredded look, I do find abs attractive but they’re not a requirement. Basically I just want someone who’s at or around the same level of fitness as me. I don’t mind if …
/r/RedPillWomen05/11/23 07:39 PM
11

This is a huge indicator of respect in my culture as well. I know it can be tempting to complain about relationship problems. I’ve seen it happen with women my uncles and cousins are seeing- they are well liked by the family, until they start criticizing him. On one level I understand it. If he’s otherwise a great guy but has some occasional or minor annoying habits, who better to sympathize than his mother and sisters, women who both know his good qualities and have had to live with him before?…
/r/RedPillWomen01/11/23 02:28 AM
3

Our feelings are what they are, neither right or wrong. A better question would be are your feelings helpful or unhelpful? Are they proportional and realistic or not? I am a virgin as well and I can definitely understand wanting your first time to be a special romantic experience. I also think those of us without prior sexual experience may have a higher requirement for feeling safe, secure, or cared for in our relationships before we can be comfortable and enthusiastic about intimacy. But also …
/r/RedPillWomen31/10/23 03:05 AM
2

I wouldn’t. What would the point of it be? Other restaurant patrons don’t care, the waitstaff will see my name on the card anyway, and he knows I paid. I enjoy giving gifts to people I care about, so I have no problem with treating a boyfriend or husband to a date, but I’d have a problem if he asked me to pretend that I didn’t. To me, that’s him saying he doesn’t value my gift. Either he genuinely doesn’t like to receive gifts in which case we are incompatible in love languages, or he is extreme…
/r/RedPillWomen27/10/23 03:39 AM
1

Thank you so much! 😊
/r/RedPillWomen22/10/23 04:03 AM
1

What does your husband mean by setting boundaries with your kids? If it’s something that is not developmentally appropriate for them, like expecting them to stop and think about if you’re busy before asking you something, then it’s not worth getting into. But if it’s something like expecting them to pick up after themselves when you tell them to, maybe you could ask him for advice on specifically how to do that. Frame it as you coming to him for advice on a discipline issue, not you asking him t…
/r/RedPillWomen21/10/23 05:31 PM
3

I think that the biggest inaccuracies will be due to things the calculator can’t account for: percentage of men who actually want a monogamous (or open with any restrictions) LTR, and percentage of men who are not married but not looking for another relationship (cohabiting, multiple girlfriends, polyamorous unmarried, volcels). I do think the “cat bag” thing is highly inaccurate. For example, I get 3 cat bags running female delusion calculator with the restrictions of “not married, not obese, i…
/r/RedPillWomen21/10/23 02:26 AM
1

This was my experience as well. I’m short myself so I don’t care about height. I don’t care about race or what how much he earns, but he needs to have some kind of job or be in education/training to get one. I do have age limits and I refuse to date a man who isn’t single due to my religious and moral values. Here’s the part a calculator like this can’t account for: I accept the fact that having the standards I do means I might die alone, and I am willing to take that chance because I truly beli…
/r/RedPillWomen21/10/23 01:51 AM
2

Actually, if a woman sleeps with multiple men, the men can require a paternity test even before the child is born to avoid having to support a kid that isn’t hers. A woman has no way of knowing how many children a man has with his side chicks and baby moms until they show up to the man’s funeral to demand a cut of her kids’ inheritance. Furthermore, because women get STIs more easily and they are more likely to harm our fertility or even harm the baby if we’re pregnant, a man sleeping around on …
/r/RedPillWomen17/10/23 12:31 AM
9

You don’t have to date other people if you don’t want to! You do have to take responsibility for making sure you are not building up a relationship in your head when there isn’t one yet IRL. I was in a similar situation recently and decided to just keep in touch with him and wait to see if he would ask for another date. It took almost 2 months, but he did. In the meantime, we would text each other every couple of days to keep a connection going, and we got to know each other better through that.…
/r/RedPillWomen14/10/23 04:38 PM
4

This is a great analysis! I was talking to someone about how among my religious community, it is not seen as a “beta” trait for a man to practice pre-marital voluntary celibacy, because he is not unable to secure a mate, but rather choosing to exercise self-control in pursuit of a higher goal. It makes sense that the same logic would apply more generally, as maximizing benefits to potential offspring is another “higher goal” that would lead to a man with sexual options instead choosing monogamy …
/r/RedPillWomen08/10/23 04:10 AM
3

1) Islam allows men to marry non-Muslim women (usually Christian or Jewish) but the caveat is that the children will be raised with the father’s faith. If he isn’t practicing but his family is, then he may still expect that his children will be raised with his faith and culture. Depending on what country he is from, mothers many have little to no parental rights in the event of divorce so you need to discuss expectations about that before being intimate. 2) you need to meet his family. Arab men …
/r/RedPillWomen30/09/23 05:53 PM
2

As an American Arab Christian I concur. I still would advise her to meet his family before assuming he’s serious about her. I know both Muslim and Christian men who assume western women are “easy”.
/r/RedPillWomen30/09/23 05:26 PM
2

First off, stop letting comments from high school boys influence your self esteem as an adult. I was a bit chubby in high school, but you know who got called fat more than I did? The girl with an eating disorder who was dangerously underweight. No one actually thought she was fat, but she would get very upset if someone said that to her, and there were a group of immature and/or cruel boys and girls who thought that was funny. It’s good to be realistic, but you don’t want to “black pill” yoursel…
/r/RedPillWomen19/09/23 12:24 AM
1

I understand your husband on the phone thing, I do that myself. I actively avoid looking at my phone because I know I can’t multi-task like that, and because I know I don’t always do great with eye contact but I still want the individual I’m speaking with to feel respected and like they have my full attention. I’m not saying any of my personal reasons apply to your husband, but maybe it’s similar where he does genuinely care about you and intend to text you, but forgets? If that is the case, may…
/r/RedPillWomen09/09/23 06:17 PM
2

I think it depends on a lot of things. What are her goals? How stable is the relationship ? What are both parties’ financial, family support, and career situations? Are kids involved? In Scenario A, a 20 year old woman who is a college student and working part time decides to get an apartment with her boyfriend of 1 year, same age, same school/work situation. Both of them have their parents as guarantors, both names on the list. In scenario B, the woman is in college with a ton of medical debt, …
/r/RedPillWomen07/09/23 12:12 AM
3

I mean yeah, I think it’s important to be realistic and recognize that being 30+ makes us less than ideal, but we can’t do anything about that except either go black pill and be femcels, or try to cope by focusing on what we can offer. We can’t get younger but we can make sure we offer all the benefits of an older woman, plus as many of the benefits of a younger woman as we can (being fun, flirty, keeping the sense of passion and adventure alive in a relationship). I’d rather cope than sit aroun…
/r/RedPillWomen20/08/23 07:38 PM
7

I’m not sure if this would work in the context of your marriage but I had a similar issue with my mom as an older teen. She is from a different culture than my dad, one that emphasizes respect, and we would often have problems because I thought I was being respectful but from her perspective I wasn’t. Things got better between us when I started doing a couple of things. First, when she would tell me “you’re being disrespectful” instead of defending myself I would apologize, let her know I wasn’t…
/r/RedPillWomen19/08/23 07:25 PM
5

Everyone else has given a lot of good advice here but I just want to emphasize that I think you need to consider your specific situation. Personally I would not automatically jump to ending a marriage over a single instance of cheating, especially if he was repentant. Unlike some of the other commenters, I would prefer to know both so we could have the conversation about if anything I did contributed to his infidelity, and so I would know to get tested for STIs. I would also want to know that he…
/r/RedPillWomen19/08/23 12:09 AM
2

With regards to the age remarks: youth is not the only thing we can offer as women. There are countries with very young ages of consent, and yet we don’t see even extremely wealthy men who could easily afford it running off in droves to Japan or Angola to pull 14 year olds. I am 30 now and have spent the years you call the “danger zone” in nun mode, part of it was for reasons beyond my control but part of it was my choice because I knew I needed to work on myself. And honestly I don’t regret it …
/r/RedPillWomen18/08/23 11:25 PM
3

In my experience, a man who gets aggressive when he feels disrespected, but who cannot articulate what specifically you said or did to make him feel that way, has general unresolved anger issues and will only escalate the aggression over time. Idk your relationship, it is possible that you were doing something that caused him to respond. It is understandable for a man to get angry when he feels disrespected, but reacting by hitting things and calling you “every name in the book” sounds to me lik…
/r/RedPillWomen18/08/23 09:55 PM
1

Yeah I can understand how that kind of stress can affect your response. In the future, try to take a few deep breaths before reacting especially when you’re stressed and upset. Ask yourself what you’re trying to accomplish and if your actions will help to achieve that or not. And you’re still young and learning. I think the takeaway from this incident is: 1) when you’re upset, try to figure out what the root cause is before you react 2) going on the offensive in these situations will make it har…
/r/RedPillWomen18/08/23 09:44 PM
10

I agree with the other commenters. You went too far filing the complaint and that’s probably part of why your bf went from agreeing with you that the waitress should have spoken English, to taking more of her side. Try to put yourself in her shoes- idk if you speak a second language, but even if someone is fluent, it’s still not as natural for them as their native language. Our first language has a huge influence on how we think and it can even affect our brain structures, so an ESL speaker is p…
/r/RedPillWomen17/08/23 09:03 PM
4

So I am like you in that I am a virgin waiting for monogamous marriage, and I have a strong preference for a man to be in the same position, or at least a low body count from committed relationships. I think there are good reasons why women like us would prefer low body count men, but we have to recognize that we are in the minority. Other commenters have explained at length why a majority of women care less about their partner’s body count than most men do, and why some prefer a more experience…
/r/RedPillWomen16/08/23 05:57 PM
9

In general I think it’s usually in a woman’s best interest to work if she is not a mother and not independently wealthy, and to be a stay at home mom when her kids are very young if she can afford to. If you feel like your specific job is causing issues with your relationship, it may be worth having a conversation with your boyfriend about reducing your hours or switching to a less stressful job. You may also want to look into work from home jobs or if you’re creative, launching a business you c…
/r/RedPillWomen13/08/23 10:58 PM
7

My culture is similar. Not to the extent where parents will decide your career or anything, but extended family will certainly give advice and opinions. Parents are expected to help their adult children materially until they are able to be fully self sufficient, and adult children expect to materially assist their parents in old age to the extent that they can and need to. I completely agree about responsibility , and think in some ways, that kind of environment can help someone become a strong …
/r/RedPillWomen12/08/23 01:49 AM
5

That’s a really great tip! I think women from more conservative Christian backgrounds can fall into sort of the opposite trap of modern feminism, where instead of media bashing men, we grew up hearing about male headship and patriarchy and how men are better than us in every way and that’s why they should be in charge of us, so we basically expect every Christian guy we meet to be perfect like Jesus, and we can get bitter and disappointed when it turns out they’re human with struggles and sin li…
/r/RedPillWomen09/08/23 02:51 AM
1

I can see how that would make you feel uncomfortable, I would as well! Honestly if I was just getting to know the guy I would probably ask him for a general ballpark of how fancy a place he had in mind. Some guys might be offended by asking but others would appreciate that you’re not just trying to get an expensive meal. Or maybe suggest 2 places, a cheaper one and a more expensive one, and say you’re trying to decide between those two and would like his input?
/r/RedPillWomen09/08/23 02:01 AM
3

That last bit is so important. I think all dating requirements can fall into the categories of “preferences” and “deal breakers”. The deal breakers are anything that we can honestly answer yes to the question of “would you rather die alone than be with a man who doesn’t have this?”, everything else is preferences. We also have to be aware of how much those deal breakers restrict our dating pool. For an American woman whose deal breakers are “at least 6’ tall and not abusive”, unless she’s a teen…
/r/RedPillWomen08/08/23 06:28 PM
3

Short answer: no. Long answer: There are a few reasons why the tradition of men paying for dates exists. The first is because it’s a demonstration of their RMV as a provider, it shows investment in a specific woman (the more invested a guy is, the less risk the woman takes on by being intimate), and it gives him the ability to pick an activity within his budget. In my opinion, expecting a man to pay for a date he did not plan with a woman he did not choose is similar to expecting a woman to give…
/r/RedPillWomen08/08/23 05:26 PM
2

Honestly I think that is a very good reason! You take the responsibility of motherhood very seriously and you are being careful to avoid being in that position before you are ready. As to whether it’s archaic, does that really matter if that’s what you want? Some people say that it’s archaic and old fashioned to want a man to provide and a woman to be a homemaker, but there are plenty of men and women who want that. In your case, there will be fewer men willing to wait for marriage, but you have…
/r/RedPillWomen31/07/23 11:15 PM
3

Most men would be open to dating a virgin, but I think very few would be open to waiting for marriage. As others have said, your best bet for that is a fairly devout religious man from a faith that promotes celibacy before marriage, or a man from a more traditional culture where celibacy before marriage is normal. I will caution you that religious people do end up having premarital sex at much higher rates than we like to admit, so just because you met a man in a faith based context, it doesn’t …
/r/RedPillWomen31/07/23 06:45 PM
4

That last sentence is so profound. I really do think part of why fewer women and girls want to be SAHMs is because fewer of us are growing up with dads or older men who are vocal about appreciating that. Instead, we hear guys saying they like liberated, independent women, and we have society and the government telling us that SAHMs are emotionally abused stepford wives at best, and gold diggers and dependents at worst. Ironically, I think a lot of why guys don’t talk about wanting traditional wi…
/r/RedPillWomen31/07/23 02:55 AM
6

Luke 6:37-42 seems relevant here. Remember that it is not our place to judge the hearts of others, that’s God’s job. When you find yourself losing empathy for your husband, take a step back and 1) ask God to help you surrender and not try to take His place as the judge, and 2) pray for your husband. Like even if you don’t feel like it, if you’re annoyed at him or whatever, force yourself to pray for him. This will help you to be closer to both God and your husband! I would also advise, if you’re…
/r/RedPillWomen31/07/23 01:37 AM
2

Idk I’ve never been a fan of 50/50 in most circumstances. If a guy asked me out on a date he planned and then wanted split checks where we each pay for ourselves, I wouldn’t be upset about that but I would take it as him friendzoning me (or f*ckzone as it may be). But this is for people I’ve met organically so they would have an opportunity to decide if they’re interested pre-date. For online dating it makes more sense to split on a first date. It’s impossible to go 50/50 on pregnancy. I respect…
/r/RedPillWomen30/07/23 04:22 PM
2

That is a tradition from back when people would mostly be dating someone they already knew socially, or a friend of a friend type situation, and primarily dating for marriage. The man already knew he was physically attracted to the woman and often knew that she had certain homemaking skills or personality traits he liked prior to asking her out. Him paying for dates was a way to 1) signal romantic interest, they’re not just friends 2) demonstrate his ability to provide and 3) show his generosity…
/r/RedPillWomen30/07/23 03:55 PM
2

LVM = low value man, a man who does not add anything to your life as a romantic partner. The female version is LVW or low value woman. If one person in a relationship is the sole provider, home maker, does all the child/elder/pet care, is faithful and emotionally supportive, and the other person does none of those things, the one who takes and doesn’t give would be a LVM or LVW. The opposite, a partner who brings a lot of value to your life, would be a high value man or woman (HVM or HVW).
/r/RedPillWomen30/07/23 04:46 AM
1

Other people have given some good advice about attachment issues she may have, so I will touch briefly on the Christianity aspect. At her age, if she’s been a strong Christian her whole life, it is not within the realm of reality for her to expect to meet a man who knows more than her about every single aspect of the faith. We all have different gifts and temptations for example, and our walk with God is highly unique. I think it is reasonable for her to hold out for a man with a strong faith, a…
/r/RedPillWomen26/07/23 06:08 PM
2

I would agree with “you’re single till you’re married” in the sense that if you are marriage minded, you should be vetting the person you’re seeing up until the actual marriage. I disagree with it as a license to date others if we are exclusive. If we have discussed exclusivity and agreed to it, I would not date or entertain other suitors, even without intimacy, as that would be disrespectful and I would feel it is dishonest. However, I would be more willing to leave a boyfriend over compatibili…
/r/RedPillWomen25/07/23 08:41 PM
1

Thank you for sharing, your story gives me so much hope! I should stop holding myself back from dating and stop assuming men expect me to be perfect. When I catch a glimpse of my mid/post workout face I think to myself, I look bad in the gym so I can look good out of it!
/r/RedPillWomen12/06/23 05:43 AM
1

So not looking to pull there, but I use the gym at work or at my apartment complex so I was concerned that guys, who might otherwise see me around and be interested, would see me at the gym and be turned off. I wear baggy clothes for cardio heavy days cause when I first started it helped me feel less self conscious, and on strength training focused days I wear tighter fitting clothes to help me see my form and posture, but I still have a bit of a belly so I don’t feel cute in those either. It mi…
/r/RedPillWomen12/06/23 05:27 AM
1

Yes I’ve been going! Just at weird times to avoid when it’s full of people. I count calories and do intermittent fasting. I want to become as beautiful as I can, which is why I’m trying to figure out what size/shape/ height and weight proportions are ideal and do my best to meet that. But the ladies here are telling me that unlike with being too rich, one can in fact be too skinny.
/r/RedPillWomen12/06/23 05:15 AM
2

Thank you so much! I really like the idea of a marriage where we both accept each other as we are, and encourage each other to improve. I don’t expect my future husband to be perfect, and I need to stop assuming that he expects me to be. I will read that book for sure and try out some apps. I’ve read all of the links in the sidebar I could find and some other stuff about vetting, I feel like I have a good grasp on the theory but I won’t know for sure until I try to put it into practice. I’ve bee…
/r/RedPillWomen12/06/23 05:06 AM
1

I appreciate you sharing your experience! I’ve been basing my expectations on surveys where guys rate slim to borderline underweight women as more attractive, but there’s a big difference between rating a faceless body or a celebrity and who you are attracted to in real life. I have a lot of respect for women who are able to put in the work to get that super muscular physique, and I want to be as fit as I can get, but i might be a bit unrealistic with my goals and I hadn’t considered how having …
/r/RedPillWomen12/06/23 02:57 AM
1

Yeah I think you’re right. My personal goals are mostly based on improving fitness than being small, but I also want to keep in mind that what men find attractive in women is different from what women view as attractive for ourselves. I guess I should also keep in mind that what men rank as most attractive during those kinds of surveys is not necessarily always the same as who they partner with. I’m looking at “be fit and slim” and interpreting it as “have a runway model or fitness influencer ty…
/r/RedPillWomen12/06/23 02:45 AM
3

Thanks, you make some excellent points! I don’t have a lot of dating experience (been on a handful of dates, no serious adult relationships). I think I’ve been buying into some self defeating thoughts based on my admittedly limited past experiences, such as assuming men won’t be interested in anything other than casual sex because of my weight. The other part of it is feeling like I have to be my best self in every aspect in order to be wife material, but based on what you’re saying, I should al…
/r/RedPillWomen10/06/23 08:45 PM
3

Considering he brought up marriage and that he was invested enough to make changes and get his mental health sorted in order to get back together with you, I’d say he sounds committed already. My suggestion would be to give him the logical reasons why you want to get married before living together. Let him know you hear and understand his reasons for cohabitation, and you have some additional points to discuss, such as the fact that if you move in and it doesn’t work out, that will be more disru…
/r/RedPillWomen22/05/23 09:32 PM
3

I saw you mention earlier that you’re working as a babysitter. I actually know someone who stopped college because she made more working as a babysitter than she would have with her degree. It’s true you’ll have to put in more effort to meet men who can support you if you don’t go to college. But depending on what country and area you’re in, many college age boys have no interest in settling down and won’t support a girlfriend financially anyway. There are a lot of tradesmen who make good money,…
/r/RedPillWomen02/05/23 02:05 AM
0

Definitely don’t go to college if you aren’t planning on a career! I wouldn’t recommend college to anyone unless A) you or your family are independently wealthy or B) you are planning on going into a career that requires a degree and will allow you to pay off any loans relatively quickly. That being said, unless you’re planning on going the SW route and being a sugar baby, you will need some way to support yourself for the following reasons: - you will need money to maintain your looks, pursue h…
/r/RedPillWomen01/05/23 11:36 PM
1

I think the core assumption is that someone must value the same things in others that they do in themselves. Where feminism comes in is they rightly recognize that men value masculinity in themselves and other men, but then wrongly apply that same logic to women, assuming that the best way for women to also be valued is for us also to be masculine. It’s similar to assuming that people have the same love language for giving love as for receiving it.
/r/RedPillWomen27/04/23 11:47 PM
4

You bring up a lot of good points. When we talk about HVM and HVW it’s important to keep in mind that there’s your SMV and RMV, and then your subjective value for sex and relationships to the individual. So if you can’t or won’t change to meet a guy’s boundary or he won’t change to meet yours, that doesn’t say anything about either of you being low value objectively, you just each didn’t provide the value the other was looking for. As much as women can fall into the trap of covert contracts, we …
/r/RedPillWomen27/04/23 11:32 PM
1

So assuming he is a practicing Muslim, the rule is that Muslim men can marry outside their faith, but any children should be raised Muslim. Practicing Muslim women are not supposed to marry outside the faith for this same reason- Islam developed in Arab culture and today most Muslims are South Asian, both of which are patriarchal cultures that value family ties and the expectation is that children will be raised with their father’s religion. That being said, especially if you are in a western co…
/r/RedPillWomen18/04/23 04:14 AM
2

I get that. You can also ask about his dating goals first, or ask something vague like his life goals for the next however many years (career, hobbies,etc.) and then share yours if he asks. Even if he doesn’t ask about yours, you can get to know him and what he values better. It’s uncomfortable at times but it’s important for Christian dating especially for 25+ to establish if you want marriage/kids or not fairly quickly, so neither party wastes their time on an incompatible match.
/r/RedPillWomen11/04/23 06:29 AM
1

I agree this guy is not for you. I’d say with future guys, be straightforward about wanting marriage and don’t keep seeing anyone once you know he doesn’t want marriage, isn’t husband material, or doesn’t see you as wife material. Depending on how well you’re able to vet, I don’t think it’s bad to be engaged in under a year if you’re both established adults who know what you want. Don’t rush it but also don’t feel you need to make your relationship fit a certain mold- sometimes if you know, you …
/r/RedPillWomen11/04/23 04:28 AM
1

How old are you? What is your ideal timeline for marriage? Other commenters have already covered why this man doesn’t seem like a good fit for you, and I agree. If he’s pushing for sex before offering to make the relationship official, he will definitely not be on board to wait for marriage, and he may not be interested in it. From a RP perspective, you need a captain you can look up to. From a Christian perspective, you need to find a man you can trust and rely on as the spiritual leader of you…
/r/RedPillWomen08/04/23 07:02 PM
97

Agreed, the shame isn’t “wow I am treating these human beings like objects, I am deeply disappointed in myself for this anti-social behavior”, it’s “these objects shouldn’t have any control over me”. I see this a lot of men who are anti-porn too, they think it’s bad because the compulsion takes up time that could be spent productively and they don’t want to get ED, but they don’t see a problem with breaking people into various body parts and objectifying everyone they see. A lot of them have no …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/04/22 08:43 PM
36

I generally agree with you, with the caveat that at least in western cultures if you’re looking for a guy over 21 who’s a virgin and a HVM that can be a big ask especially if you’re not open to dating religious men. As someone who’s an older virgin I would prefer my partner be one as well, but I would accept a man who had one previous partner if it was within the context of a marriage or serious relationship.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/22 09:48 PM
16

I think there’s a bit of a grey area in that I’m ok with it from older women and men my grandparents’ age, as long as there’s no sexual connotations and they’d refer to young men as boys too. Like if you’re 80+ and refer to college age people as girls/boys, that’s fine. If you’re a man over 21 and you’re trying to sleep with or date “girls”, that’s weird and creepy. Personally though I do see women under like 23 as “girls” in the sense that I feel extra protective of them when a guy is being cre…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/22 03:59 PM
64

Two easy tricks to weed out a lot of guys trying to use you for sex right away: 1) make it clear you won’t sleep with them before commitment. This doesn’t weed out everyone so read through the FDS handbook and use those strategies during further vetting, but a good amount of guys will stop being nice to you once they learn they can’t get what they want. 2) watch how they treat women they don’t want to sleep with. Talk to these other women and believe their experiences. Of course a guy who’s into…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/22 03:45 PM
57

This is so true. If you expect others to have 100% pure altruism towards you and always prioritize you at their own expense with no benefit, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. We are a social species and we need other humans, thus there is always some benefit we get (conscious or not) when we help others. Even when we give our time and money to charity, that feels good because helping other humans gives our species a better chance at survival and our brains reward us for that. The tr…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/22 03:36 PM
5

Or they do genuinely oppose it but only because it hurts them, and they think it’s the exploited women who are taking advantage of the johns and pimps. They call us man-haters but they’re the ones denying they have any agency. Do you have any lines or strategies that are useful for convincing liberal feminist women on this issue? I try to have these conversations but it’s hard to convince people when our own fathers and brothers are out here telling us all men watch porn.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/22 08:49 AM
14

I think coming from a patriarchal religious culture actually helped me because I was never comfortable moving fast enough sexually for most scrotes. I haven’t experienced certain NVM behaviors like future faking like some of you ladies have, mostly guys just outright trying to use me for sex and nexting me when they realized they wouldn’t get it. While having the “no sex before commitment” standard in my pre-FDS days did help me dodge bullets, I’ve experienced male depravity in other ways and ca…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/22 08:41 AM
17

Yeah I’ve had this tactic used on me as well. And while I’m sure she did react aggressively to him and generally there is abuse on both sides with these situations, we should also consider who has power over the other. Even if everything he says about her is true, he’s almost twice her age, richer, more famous, and as a male he’s almost guaranteed to be stronger and faster than her in a physical altercation. But also he’s a famous actor, and stands to gain a lot by getting public sympathy. Not s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/22 08:20 AM
13

Utah back when it was a territory was a stronghold of the Mormon church. My understanding is that polygamy was initially part of their belief system for high status males to have as many wives as they wanted, but they agreed to stop the practice when Utah became a state and they would be required to abide by the laws of the United States. The main Mormon church (LDS) no longer supports polygamy because it’s illegal, but there are some splinter sects that still do (FLDS). And of course, as we see…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/22 04:15 PM
163

I think porn analysis could be a good thing if it was done through a critical lens, like Dr. Gail Dines does. Her work provides valuable insight into how the shifting types of pornographic content and the increasing availability of hardcore explicit materials has affected women, men, casual sex, relationships, and advertising trends for example. But treating it as an art form is unacceptable. It just validates those who claim porn is free speech. We place limits on other types of speech that are…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/22 03:49 AM
41

Ok first off a guy who would pass up a chance to sleep with Beyoncé or Rihanna to instead bang an average looking McDonald’s worker who’s 21 or under is not normal, he’s a fetishist at best and deliberately looking to manipulate a young woman at worst. Second, most western men men under 40 (possibly under 65) don’t want a family in the same way women and elderly men want families. They want a female to bear, birth, and raise their genetic offspring, and in some cases they want to live in her hou…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/22 02:13 AM
37

Reading this I thought of the Sopranos. Except in that case there’s a little benefit of the doubt because those are men capable of violence and murder so to some extent once a woman is in deep enough to marry and have kids, there are genuine safety concerns with leaving. But overall this type of thing reminds me of the sentiment expressed by Engels in his writings on marriage and family, that there won’t be true equality between men and women until men can’t buy sexual access to a woman, and wom…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/22 08:26 PM
15

I think it’s great to hug your kids and other forms of platonic touch when you can get them. Like ask your close friend for a hug if you need one, that’s ok! Also let yourself know that it’s ok to be lonely. You can hug yourself too, which sounds goofy but therapists recommend it sometimes as a way of “self-parenting”. I also like to do things that make me feel in touch with my body like yoga/stretching and full body moisturizing every day after I shower. There’s something to be said for deliber…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/22 08:11 PM
35

I’ve noticed this trend especially with fathers where outright physical/sexual abuse would absolutely be called out and condemned but these dudes get away with the type of neglect that a mother would be vilified for. He doesn’t grocery shop regularly, take his kids to doctors appointments, help them plan for the future, go to parent teacher conferences or follow through on school discipline issues? Or maybe he brings home fast food every night and lets first graders stay up watching R rated movi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/22 08:00 PM
64

Spot on, I experienced this myself as a child of a father who lost interest in me once he got custody. And I will add, please don’t blame the guy’s kids if they buy his BS, especially the daughters. Especially if both parents are abusive, sometimes the neglectful one seems like a better option. Daughters of this type of scrote will often defend their dad if they’re young and still dependent on him, because they only hear his side of things. I know other women like myself who didn’t understand ou…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/22 02:06 AM
17

Definitely agree with this. But even if a guy says yes that doesn’t automatically mean he’s a good dad, as abusive men (to the kids and/or the ex) generally do petition for custody rights. How a guy talks about his ex is super important. And if he has kids who are teens or adults and they don’t see him, how he talks about them is important too. A HVM (or HVW for that matter) won’t air the dirty laundry of a failed marriage with anyone but their inner circle and therapist, and even then they will…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/22 01:40 AM
52

When I was a kid, we visited this random half-finished castle in the USA. It was built by this businessman around the 1900s, basically once he got really rich and decided to build his wife a castle cause he wanted to treat her like a queen. Sadly she got sick and died, and he was so heart broken he couldn’t bear to finish it. Their kids turned it into a museum. That’s a grand romantic gesture. Imagine if he had instead commissioned a seamstress to sew his wife some sexy garments in a style he li…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/22 12:14 AM
98

Part of why it benefits scrotes to be so cheap and stingy is that it lowers our expectations so much that any time a guy spends money on a relationship, men and women alike think he ought to be showered with praise for going “above and beyond”. I’ve seen this with guys who spent large sums of money on a gift to their gf/wife that was something he’d like, or something she wanted but in a color he likes and that she hated, or even something she would have been happy to have but he had purchased it…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/22 12:00 AM
50

I think the belief that it’s cruel to cut people off is based in the thinking that they’re entitled to our time/attention/support. And there are absolutely situations where people do deserve that: your children/dependents, (non-abusive) family, your close HVW friends all deserve your time, patience, and empathy to various extents. But people tend to assume that women will be emotionally available to everyone. They take the advice about cutting off people whose behavior harms you or men you don’t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/22 08:49 PM
804

I don’t think it’s about an HVM “deserving” it or not, just as we don’t deserve to get head for leveling up and being HVW. No one ever deserves or is owed sex. I think in a healthy relationship any sex act is something that you want to do with your partner because like you said you want them to feel good, and it brings you both closer together. So a HVM may be into both giving and receiving oral sex, but he won’t want it if he knows you feel repulsed and degraded by doing it. There are women and…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/22 03:34 AM
98

This is so true. I grew up religious and home schooled, so I knew a ton of women who were trad wives/SAHMs and home schooling their kids. All intelligent, educated, hardworking (to my knowledge) HVW. I knew of exactly ONE househusband who was similarly HVM seeming, and he didn’t intend to be one. He was the breadwinner when their kids were born, but when the economy got bad he got laid off and decided to become a caretaker for their kids when his wife got offered a lucrative career position. Thi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/22 09:57 AM
66

Disgusting creep for sure. But after hearing it explained that way, now I see every guy who insists that his wife/gf needs to accept him watching porn the same way, as a gross selfish creep. It’s not that no woman is good enough to get him to act right, it’s that no matter how great a woman is he’s decided to act badly so he shouldn’t have access to any women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/22 02:27 AM
136

This is a good way of looking at it. I once heard similar advice about thinking one has to tolerate male partners watching porn because she isn’t pretty/thin/young/xyz enough to keep his interest: “what about Hugh Hefner? He’s constantly surrounded by some of the most conventionally attractive women, as young as is legal, who fawn over him and even surgically modify their bodies to his exact preferences. He has access to multiple women of his exact physical type. And still he cheats, still he wa…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/22 12:40 AM
46

Yeah I see this all the time with religious and conservative men, so many dudes want a trad wife but they don’t want to be a trad husband. They don’t value women’s domestic or reproductive labor yet they want a chance to reproduce. They think we’re delusional for wanting to raise kids with men who are emotionally and financially stable. Yet they will go on about our “value” in the “sexual market” totally ignoring the labor theory of value. Sex and reproduction always involve more risk and more l…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/22 12:27 AM
155

Interesting how he goes from “she’s entitled if she won’t give you $10 for her dinner even after she spent all that time and money getting ready” to “oh no we will totally pay for you, we just don’t want you to assume that we will”. In my culture generosity is important so if a guy doesn’t want to pay for a date I just feel like our backgrounds and values are too different. Also as a bi woman, for me paying for dates is one way to be very clear that one has romantic rather than platonic interest…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/22 10:18 PM
50

My culture too. When my family goes out to eat we will literally fight over who gets to pay the bill. We never show up empty handed to someone’s house or a family gathering. It’s just so normal to me that people will want to be generous, and that letting someone be generous can be a gift to them as well.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/22 10:11 PM
106

Interesting how this seems to be their equivalent of the pick me who bases her whole personality on the guy she’s with. But at least the woman is modeling herself around her current partner, whereas these scrotes can’t bother to engage with you in things you like while you’re dating but are of course all about those things with the next woman who may not even like them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/22 02:43 AM
48

Non-negotiables: attractive (to me), respectful, kind and empathetic, has integrity, honest, loyal, is passionate about something, likes to learn, either employed or in education/training for employment, mentally stable, no kids and ok with not having any. Preferences: from my culture or one with similar values, same religion, interested in science/technology, has at least one hobby that involves physically making things, good taste in music (in my opinion), cooks, bisexual (I prefer bi4bi relat…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/22 11:03 PM
90

Definitely agree on communication. A lot of guys in western society are raised to not value feelings, not their own or other mens and certainly not ours. Why should we spend so much of our lives explaining how we’re hurt when he doesn’t treat us with basic human respect and dignity? He knows his behavior is unacceptable because he wouldn’t tolerate another man or us treating him like that. If it hasn’t occurred to a guy to treat women like human beings of his own accord, no amount of us asking h…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/22 04:18 AM
17

Definitely agree with you. Multi-dating is good because it helps you not catch feelings too fast and can be more time efficient, but we shouldn’t keep seeing a guy we know we don’t want a future with just so we can keep a scrotation going.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/22 04:01 AM
119

Definitely agree that we shouldn’t go on dates just to “practice”. Not only does it waste our time and energy, but it sets up for situations where you go on the first date, you knew beforehand you weren’t attracted to him, but he didn’t do anything objectionable on the date so why not agree to another? And eventually you feel pressure to do more and more with/for this guy because of the sunk costs fallacy. Or if you try to end it after the first date, he gets mad at you for “leading him on”. We …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/22 09:29 PM
11

Yeah and honestly in my opinion FDS isn’t about empowerment, it’s about maximizing female benefit from dating. Women who aren’t feminists can still benefit from it. And those of us who are should recognize that while female liberation is about giving women as a class objective material power in society, female benefit is specific to each woman and looks very different for a lesbian and straight woman, one who wants kids and one who doesn’t, a younger woman and a post-menopausal woman, and so on.…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/22 11:29 PM
7

Yeah it’s totally fine if you prefer to shave, trim, keep it natural, or anything else. It’s sad that so many of us grow up hearing misinformation about our bodies to the point where we believe that something perfectly normal is dirty or bad.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/22 08:39 PM
78

Yeah it’s fine for you to keep it how you want, but the idea that our natural body hair is unhygienic is used to shame women who can’t or don’t want to completely remove it. Also it’s straight up not true, the hair is there for a reason and it can in fact help to keep some things out of that area. Like eyelashes or nose hairs. Also idk about waxing but shaving in that area can definitely irritate the skin (and using shaving cream or most moisturizers can be a risk for yeast infection) and create…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/22 12:11 AM
59

(I don’t want kids myself but here are some things I’ve observed from a few HV dads I know) has already resolved any issues from his own childhood. Unless his parents were abusive he should have a good relationship with them and be able to acknowledge the things they did well, when speaking of mistakes his parents made the focus should be on how he overcame that or how he will avoid that with his own kids rather than blaming his parents or feeling sorry for himself watch how he interacts with fr…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/04/22 01:37 AM
25

I feel the same way about not having role models. I honestly think the best way we can push back against pick me culture is by modeling being happy and fulfilled while single. It’s one thing to tell young girls that they don’t need a man to have a good life, but when society, media, and friends are telling them otherwise, and when every woman they know is in a relationship, we need to be able to show them examples of single HV women who they would want to emulate.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/22 09:06 PM
100

This is so true and it extends to other areas as well. If you are able to do so safely and you leave an abuser, you are showing every woman you know in a similar situation that it is possible. If you get divorced and stay single while your kids are young to protect them from potential predators dating you to get to them, you demonstrate selfless motherly love and how a HVW sacrifices for her family, as well as how she fills her life with things that benefit her and them and how she is rewarded a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/22 08:15 PM
3

Slightly older than you and I hard agree with everything you said here. I got snap when I was like 20 so I could send pictures of my food and random cute/funny stuff to friends without taking up all the memory on my phone back then. Now I’m going back to school and almost everyone at my university uses it. I’m in a very male dominated field and most of my classmates are 18-23 year old boys, but I’ve never had any of them be less than professional on Snapchat with me. I also like that I can join …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/22 06:39 AM
42

I think because historically women have had to mate/marry for survival rather than love, this has given rise to the idea that women don’t experience lust/physical attraction. For most of human history post agriculture, women have either not had a choice in who they marry or have been raised and pressured to choose someone based on their ability to provide rather than just on her liking and being attractive to them, because most women historically were not allowed to provide for themselves or abl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/22 05:44 PM
88

I’m gonna say yes with a disclaimer. I’ve seen a few guys level up and become HV, usually for a combination of just them growing up and growing as a person and because they met a woman they wanted to marry. But the disclaimer is that these men were always HV in their respect for and treatment of women. The things they leveled up in were material things like income, finishing a degree, losing weight, and trading childish hobbies like video games for more mature hobbies like travel, physical activ…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/04/22 04:30 AM
157

Yeah this post shows how sites like Reddit can influence dating dynamics for the worse. Maybe this guy genuinely couldn’t afford that kind of bill but he did seem to initially want to put some effort into the date, and the brewery idea could be high effort if he picked a place he thought she’d like (if she’s interested in beer making some breweries have tours they could do before dinner). Even after the first mistake of asking her to pick the spot, he could have been honest: “I really do want to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/04/22 05:46 PM
9

Agreed, that’s why it’s important to never stop vetting. Marriage isn’t a guarantee of a man’s continued good character, fidelity, or even presence in your/your kids life. All it is is a guarantee of certain legal protections from the state in the event that you missed red flags or a LVM’s mask slips. Again, for some women those protections may be unnecessary now or ever, but for others especially mothers it’s vital. I think we women are socialized to see marriage not just as the Disney romantic…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/22 08:30 AM
18

True, and also if it were like any other job then having more experience would open up opportunities for better, more prestigious jobs in the industry and higher compensation. As it is now, for all but the few porn actresses who make it big enough to branch into non-porn work, being older and more experienced generally means they have to be willing to tolerate more degrading things as the audience wants something they haven’t seen before.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/22 08:25 AM
2

I think you know what the answer is. He touches you without consent, the age gap, you feel he’s up to something nefarious, he doesn’t respect you at all (not respecting your time or boundaries). If that’s not enough to snap you out of it- so many times I’ve heard guys making fun of some typical feminine/childish interest, but when a woman /girl they’re attracted to starts taking about it, they feign interest and never mock her for it. This guy doesn’t even afford you the courtesy of pretending t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/22 02:40 AM
33

I don’t think FDS advocates for quick marriages, we do advocate for thorough vetting before major commitment. The timeline stuff is mostly to avoid becoming a “forever gf” and it can vary depending on your goals. If you’re in your 20s and don’t want to marry until you’re done with school or established in your career, a man who is a HVM for you will respect your timeline and continue to pursue/show interest without trying to force commitment before you’re ready. Likewise, if you’re an older reti…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/04/22 01:55 AM
62

This. Went through this with my best friend back in high school. She kept going back to a guy she knew was bad for her but she was in love. Every time they broke up I’d be there to support her, but I’d also (gently and as tactfully as possible) ask why she kept going back to him, what she saw in him that she couldn’t see with someone else, and generally hype her up because part of why she stayed was fear that she couldn’t find another relationship. Eventually she left him for good. She was super…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/22 10:58 PM
142

This is what I don’t understand- he finally tells her the truth, that he never wanted to get engaged and only said he would propose so that he could keep getting access to this woman without her expecting anything from him, and then he turns around and makes that same promise again and she thinks it’s genuine this time? I’m glad this woman is in therapy and I hope she realizes she needs to leave this man who clearly doesn’t care about her or share her goals.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/22 07:04 AM
3

Yeah I was reading the article and thinking “looking like that, if she sets her standards real low she probably could get 15+ offers for a “date” in just one day walking around NYC.” She looks very good to me and I’m jealous of her abs, I don’t get why a woman who’s that attractive and well off enough to take such a long vacation in an expensive city couldn’t be more picky and still get plenty of dates.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/22 04:54 AM
3

I have ADHD and depression. I still put in effort to be a HVW as much as I can. I’m sure plenty of other women and HVM have to deal with these conditions and we still manage to achieve our goals and maintain good social relationships. Some people truly can’t manage their mental illnesses regardless of how much effort they put in, but those people shouldn’t be dating in the first place.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/22 12:35 AM
72

Exactly. As for the skin thing, that’s why we moisturize.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 10:41 PM
173

Lol how is that classist? Are they forgetting that working class men uhh… work?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 10:39 PM
47

*disclaimer- when I say men and women here I’m referring to each group as a class, not saying every man or every woman is like this. Or maybe, for literally thousands of years, men have devalued females and femininity, treating us like disposable objects and acting like the work we do (including reproductive and domestic labor as well as traditionally female-majority jobs) is less important and necessary to society as the work they do is. In many cases they straight up deny our full humanity, se…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 10:32 PM
94

Yeah and then they’ll disrespect the woman who stays because they know she’s a doormat and will continue to cheat on her. Seems like these dudes just hate the idea of women having desires, whether for fidelity or for multiple partners.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 10:07 PM
15

Exactly, they think it’s flattering when it’s disrespectful. As a plus size woman, I lose interest in men who try to flatter me by putting down thinner women. If he likes my body that’s great, but don’t insult my friends to my face and think that will get you points with me. And I’m sure my friends feel the same way about men insulting me to compliment them. These guys really believe that women always see each other as competition and will be happy to hear how we’re different/better than other w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 10:04 PM
164

Ugh that’s even worse. She’s throwing actual nurses under the bus with this content. It’s already such a difficult and vital job, and they have to deal with so much crap from patients and creepy scrotes. We as women should make a point to not sexualize industries that are female-majority as it just enforces the assholes who sexually harass nurses in real life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 03:29 AM
65

Wow that’s important information about all the risks! I will make sure to share it with other women if they bring up the topic because sadly so few of us are aware of it. I’ve always thought it was gross for guys to pressure women into an activity that was at best awkward and at worst painful for us, but knowing the full risks it’s even worse than that. I now truly believe that any man that asks a woman for that doesn’t care at all about her health or quality of life. And women who promote the i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 03:25 AM
251

A good vetting strategy when at parties/bars with your friends is to see how a guy that approaches you treats your friends that he’s not attracted to. Guys who ignore your less conventionally attractive friends, interrupt and talk over them, insult them, or try to get you to leave the group are going to be creeps. A decent guy who actually wants to get to know you will be polite and not interrupt your conversation. A HVM treats all women with respect and decency. A scrote can fake respect for a …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 02:03 AM
468

Idk if this is pickme or sw but like wtf with the sexualizing of essential medical professionals? Also aren’t there significant health risks for women receiving it in the “back door” as she puts it? I don’t claim to have scientific knowledge on this subject but I do remember hearing that it can increase a woman’s risk for cancers in that area among other things. And even if it’s true that sperm has anti-aging properties, that doesn’t mean that contact with it will give us the benefit of those pr…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/22 01:56 AM
60

Ugh what audacity. If any partner posted pictures of me working out and pictures of when I was in better shape saying they can’t wait for me to look like that again, I’d be so mad. And I don’t even have kids. But maybe he asked her permission and she was ok with the posts. Still, every pregnancy takes a serious toll on a woman’s health. Especially if they’re close together, and she goes straight from giving birth to dieting, is she going to get enough calcium to rebuild her bones? If she’s nursi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/22 10:33 PM
7

Yes exactly. It’s not for the man who wants to travel more, but instead takes short trips closer to home because he is helping take care of a sick elderly parent. It’s for the man who’s been dating you for 2 years and claims he wants you to meet his parents, but always has some reason for why he can’t.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/22 08:16 PM
88

Yeah you’re basically right. Except swerfs don’t really exist. While some feminists can be mean to women in the sex industry and sometimes in misogynist ways, those people are acting poorly. The women who get called swerfs aren’t usually doing that but rather being critical of the sex industry. It’s pure misogyny. Marxist feminists can critique exploitative jobs like sulfur mining without being called miner exclusive feminists, so the whole swerf label is about conflating opposing the existence …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/22 08:13 PM
28

To the OP question, I’d say yes. A healthy exercise routine can actually improve mental health! But orthorexia (an eating disorder with symptoms such as compulsive over-exercising, obsessing about eating only “pure” and “clean” foods to the point of eliminating entire food groups and healthy foods, severe emotional distress at the thought of having to miss or shorten a workout or paranoia that any food is poisonous or harmful unless you made it yourself and know exactly what’s in it), can happen…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/22 07:36 PM
89

Agree. Maybe we don’t all need to absolutely hold out for marriage, but women benefit a lot from waiting for sex. As someone who also grew up very religious, I think it’s sad that women never get to hear about how we benefit from abstinence. We just get “casual sex is bad” from one side and “casual sex is fun and empowering” from the other.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/03/22 12:17 AM
121

Obviously there are situations when desire isn’t the only determinant for behavior. People don’t understand the context when they say this statement isn’t true. When we say “if he wanted to, he would”, we don’t mean that a man will always do things he wants to do and never do things he doesn’t want to do. We mean he will ask you out if he wants to go out with you. He will propose if he wants to get married. He will treat you well if he cares about staying with you. And look, if you’re with a guy…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/03/22 11:59 PM
14

Came here to say this. It’s possible that some dudes who have this mentality are motivated by this complex, but I think it’s far more likely that the men who don’t want to be sadistic in bed either 1) don’t enjoy it when the woman actually wants to receive it, because that means they don’t get the ego boost from coercing or persuading her to do it against her will, or they don’t get the same kick out of it if she actually is enjoying it on some level vs only being hurt and scared or 2) he’s just…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/22 03:44 AM
18

Yeah, you give someone a packed bowl when everything else is done as a preamble to a nice dinner or the start of a relaxing time or something, not as a peace offering for failing to do what your partner depended on you for. Sounds like she has some legitimate issues and he’s trying to get her high to avoid a conversation and dealing with them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/03/22 04:26 AM
47

Honestly most self-proclaimed male feminists are like this. Personally I also find it sus if he calls himself a feminist vocally but focuses most of his activism on men’s issues. Don’t get me wrong, I fully support men taking responsibility for their own gendered issues and working with each other to resolve the negative aspects of male socialization, but I don’t like when anyone (man or woman) feels the need to focus on how feminism benefits men in order to justify it. I do think that all men a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/03/22 03:42 AM
65

So true. One of my earliest exposures to feminism was a male “relative” (long term live in partner of my relative) who tried to mansplain feminism to me. He thought of himself as this super progressive pro-woman dude, although most of his explanation focused on why feminism is good for men (“boys get told not to cry, that’s hurtful to us” which is true but it’s telling how even while claiming to be feminist he couldn’t think of one way it benefits women). He was also generally LV to my relative …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/03/22 03:37 AM
151

I don’t think the problem is that women are embarrassed by our desires, but rather that we either feel guilt for having them or feel that since they won’t be met anyway we shouldn’t bring them up. What keeps us from talking about what we want in bed is the same thing that keeps us from talking about our standards, and the cultural forces that encourage us to lower and ultimately get rid of our standards are the same ones that tell us we’re selfish for wanting to orgasm, high maintenance or frigi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/03/22 07:15 AM
16

To answer your question in the title: yes. You can be a HVW and date reasonably older men, reasonably as in 2-5 years older than you depending on your age. Its not the age of your partner that’s an issue, it’s the fact that dating LVM is LVW/pick me behavior. Look, you’re 33. The wall is a lie. You’re not old, you don’t even look old. I feel confident saying that without knowing you. Older guys who would seek out a younger woman, or pursue one knowing about the age gap, are not interested in you…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/22 11:42 PM
111

2 thinks jump out at me: - he pretends to be sympathetic at first by saying he agrees it’s fine for her to look at men and disagrees with double standards - he immediately equates glancing at a stranger with a man pretending his gf is a someone else during sex and using porn. Maybe this is why so many women get “insecure” about our partners lusting after women in public or following lewd Instagram accounts- because we know that usually means at best jerking off to these women in secret, and at w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/03/22 08:37 AM
42

I definitely think it’s a factor. I think the reasons why people buy into the redpill belief that all women are simultaneously slutty and deliberately withholding sex from most men (regardless of whether that withholding is justified) are as follows: they’re only looking at conventionally attractive women under a certain age range in their culture, near their geographical location, and of or somewhat above their social class. Yes, they’re only factoring in women/girls they want to sleep with, bu…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/03/22 06:24 PM
69

I’ve noticed women who identify with villains tend to have either in our own imagination or through some media (wicked, once upon a time, academic analysis of literature or mythology, etc.) come up with much more of a backstory where the villain is a more complex and sympathetic character. We like her attitude, think she’s misunderstood, or admire her for going against cultural norms imposed on us, we don’t enjoy her cruelty for its own sake unless we interpret it as righteous anger against thos…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/22 03:52 PM
45

Yeah that’s the thing with patriarchy, it pervades every aspect of culture, society, and life, to the point where resisting it requires constantly analyzing every choice, action, thought, we have. It can be exhausting. There’s also the fact that for a lot of women around the world, and for most women historically speaking, getting a man’s approval was necessary for survival so it’s not just women being shallow or boy crazy or pick me, it’s literally ingrained in us that we need it to live. I thi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/03/22 12:52 AM
20

If the primary motivation for the move is to be closer to your partner, I would not recommend it unless they’re your husband or wife. If you want to move, there are other advantages to the location (career/education, closer to friends/family, better weather) and it wouldn’t put you at a financial disadvantage to do so, that’s different. As far as change in general, I’d ask yourself if the change is going to be beneficial to you as a person regardless of what happens with the relationship, if it …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 09:13 PM
30

This reminds me of that line Gail Dines has where she says (paraphrasing) that radical feminists are men’s best friends because we see them as full humans capable of empathy and deserving of healthy sexuality, we think they deserve better than to have their sexualities hijacked by p*rn as young boys and we believe they actually do have the ability to use self-control and not be violent towards others. It’s the double definition of respect. LVM don’t care that we respect them as humans because th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 05:02 PM
54

Aside from the great points other ladies have mentioned about safety and how he’s likely approaching this in bad faith, isn’t there something in the handbook about not discussing dating strategy with men? It doesn’t keep them from finding out our strategies as they can read the sub or website or listen to the podcast, but we shouldn’t be wasting time trying to justify our standards to anyone. The handbook also says to not spell out too much of what your standards are when you’re talking to a pot…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 04:45 PM
1

I definitely agree with the “person who invites should pay” rule with friends and same sex dating. I think the man should always pay for dates in a straight relationship, and I agree that the reason they don’t is because they don’t value us as friends or a people. Men who don’t offer to pay for you are just trying to get the cheapest sex they can get. There’s also a culture aspect and as someone from a culture that values hospitality, I find it kind of rude if a guy won’t pay for a date and incr…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/22 04:19 AM
124

The most prevalent demonstrations of misogyny in “developed” western countries are the prevalence of pornography, and the sexual double standard. We’re supposed to be “up for it” when we go on dates, like we should reward a guy for asking us out (even if it’s a low effort date and we paid our half or the whole bill they still expect it). We’re told in order to be liberated women we need to be having casual sex and FWB as well as trying out fetishes and BDSM. We’re told men don’t like when a woma…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/03/22 07:04 PM
88

Well the main one is see if he asks you out on an actual thoughtful date! You’ve been talking to him for a while so he should know what you like as far as food and activities. I would advise not hanging out with him one on one unless it’s a date (that he planned), since you have mutual friends you can socialize with a group or go to public events at your university. Also don’t meet with him in your dorm room/bedroom or his hotel room! A common living area is fine, but this can be a vetting tacti…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/22 06:19 AM
103

That last one is such a powerful point though. We are aware that people stay in abusive relationships because their brain becomes wired to think their situation is normal, and sometimes after severe prolonged abuse we feel like we don’t know how to handle life without our abusers. I think for some women who engage in kink or casual sex with partners they don’t trust, it can essentially be a form of subconscious self harm or self sabotage, but it’s also on some level not their fault because we ar…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/22 02:22 AM
6

I think you should break up with him because: he doesn’t treat you with the respect you deserve he doesn’t put as much effort into the relationship as you do he raised his voice to you he prioritizes having fun with his friends and going to the club over you and your feelings, and then makes you feel like you’re the one hurting him he clearly doesn’t have the same goals and values that you have, for dating/relationships or for life in general he kissed you without consent and then made excuses w…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/22 12:30 AM
3

Agree with everything you said except I don’t think the availability of porn/strippers/only fans is why guys are entitled to sex, I think it’s a chicken and egg situation but ultimately comes from the devaluing and dehumanizing of women. If women aren’t seen as fully human, sex is no longer viewed as a mutually pleasurable reproductive activity and is instead all about the man’s pleasure. Simultaneously, he doesn’t have to consider us as independent participants in the act, we’re just a score or…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/22 01:47 AM
17

What men mean by the ways they could be hurting us: physical harm, assault What they mean when they talk about us hurting them: having standards, not sleeping with them, sleeping with them but not enacting their porn fueled fetishes, asking for respect, having boundaries, having expectations, having parts of our life that aren’t about them and their dick, existing in bodies they personally don’t find attractive, not having their kids, having their kids and expecting them to contribute, having th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 10:46 PM
43

Completely agree (with the disclaimer that I think it’s kind of normal for teen girls to get a little obsessive about their fictional crushes, not everyone does though and there are limits but generally for that age and stage of development it can be a good way to hold standards and not settle for less) But part of growing up is growing out of that. These fictional men are not realistic, it’s ok to have the occasional daydream about them but it’s mode helpful and productive to identify the trait…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 10:35 PM
49

I would definitely recommend reading through the handbook section of this subreddit! Every time you feel the urge to talk to him, read through one or two links. It’s great that you’re in therapy, and that you have friends who value you and encourage you to cut ties. You do NOT deserve to be treated how this guy treated/treats you, but the harsh reality is that it’s up to you to walk away and put yourself beyond his reach. You need to show yourself the love and respect that you want him to show y…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 09:24 PM
33

Even without FDS, are there really women who will sleep with a stranger who cold-approaches them (like just for the dick, not for money or drugs)? We need to make sure we’re encouraging women and teaching girls to be suspicious of this behavior for their own safety. One tip I suggest is if you don’t know him, take his number don’t give him yours. (You can use a fake number/rejection hotline as a backup, but this is also a good way to vet a guy who cold approaches. Does he ask for your number/inf…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 09:11 PM
57

This. It’s just a more extreme form of the trope of the high school nerd who thinks “girls only want football players” when really it’s that he only wants the hot cheerleader. It doesn’t occur to him that other girls exist, let alone that they might actually be interested in him. Even in most movies and media, girls/women need to level up physically or otherwise in order to get the guy they want, whereas men and boys just need to accept themselves as they are and wait for their dream girl to low…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/22 09:04 PM
105

Yes. We shouldn’t be investing into men. Invest in yourself and your HV female relationships (friends and family for straight women). We shouldn’t have to be building or investing anything into the early stages of a relationship- dating should be fun! A HVM will be trying to show how he can add value to your life, not trying to see what he can get from you. And part of being an HVW is getting your life to the point where you are genuinely happy and fulfilled without a relationship. When you’re c…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/22 06:52 PM
90

Yeah fwb doesn’t mean the guy thinks of you as a friend, just that he’s trying to get more than sex out of you (sex + emotional support + companionship + whatever material resources you spend on him + you helping him around the house) it’s basically a type of situationship where he can never be held accountable for infidelity or failing to define the relationship or move it forward because he can say you agreed to all that when you agreed to be fwb.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/03/22 06:47 AM
27

I think they just meant don’t choose to have kids with a man who shows signs of abusive or unhinged behavior, or who has significant health issues (physical or mental) that could impact his suitability as a parent but doesn’t try to address or mitigate them. It’s the behavior (taking action to address your personal issues or not doing so) that makes someone a bad choice of co-parent, not genetics.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/03/22 05:04 AM
12

Womens benefits: best case scenario you’re paying for yourself or 50/50 when he ordered more on a dinner date you planned. Also likely, you’re paying the full cost of takeout/breakfast for both of you after you spent the night at his place. you get to spend your money going 50/50 on household expenses, which you will maintain to his standard of living even if it means he gets to buy gaming consoles and spend on his hobbies while you can’t even afford to have a savings account. If you have an eme…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/03/22 05:44 PM
1

These are all great! Especially the one about including you I’m conversation with other men. I’ve noticed this is a way to reveal the true intentions with men who try to be your friend, they may claim to see you as one of the guys but when you’re actually with all the guys, these men rarely treat you the same as they treat their bros. I’ll add one that may be more relevant to those of us who are on the more traditional side: when he talks about the role of men in the family, talks about his dad/…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/03/22 01:54 AM
6

If a man is looking at a specific country/ethnicity/region to meet a “traditional” woman (unless he himself is from that country/region/ethnicity but even then be cautious) that’s automatically scrote behavior in my opinion. You just know that he has no opinion of respecting her culture’s traditions, he just thinks she’s in a vulnerable enough position that he can treat her badly and get away with it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/03/22 12:18 AM
17

Agreed. Then they say there aren’t any traditional women, which isn’t true, it’s just that they don’t want to be traditional men. When my mom wanted to get engaged, her dad (very traditional patriarchal middle eastern guy) met with my dad and asked him stuff like “how much money do you make? What are your career goals? Have you bought a house for her yet? How much have you saved for the wedding?” My dad was taken aback- as an American, he expected her family to pay for the wedding. Absolutely ag…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/03/22 12:14 AM
23

There’s a similar theme with middle eastern/Arab culture as far as expecting men to pay dowries to a woman’s family. I’ve noticed western men think “oh women are basically property in that culture, so I can treat them however I want and no one will care” but they don’t realize property has value, to be blunt about it. If you live somewhere where the female employment rate is like 20% or less, it’s not because 80% of women are homeless or independently wealthy. And if it’s culturally difficult or…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/03/22 12:01 AM
108

TL;DR: historically men have made the decision to prioritize the safety of women and children because this makes sense biologically (their bodies are designed for strength, ours for survival) and tactically. Now that we (in some parts of the world) aren’t dying in childbirth as much as we used to, some short-sighted and selfish men are mad about it. A man/teen boy only needs to inseminate someone twice in order to have reproduced at the replacement rate. He could literally do this in one night. …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/03/22 05:11 AM
3

Of course. I’m not claiming Christianity isn’t a patriarchal religion, and hasn’t been used to justify all manner of sexism and oppression, just that the specific verse that instructs women to dress modestly 1) is in the context specifically of dressing for church, and 2) mentions displays of wealth, beauty, and status such as jewelry and hairstyles, but does not mention skin showing, cleavage, legs, etc. Given the overall context of patriarchy, it is not surprising how this verse is always inte…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/03/22 04:55 AM
55

Interesting how at least in Christianity the Bible verses about modesty are all about dressing in an appropriate way for the situation, not showing off with jewelry and elaborate hairstyles during religious meetings, not about showing skin. It’s like a teaching that was supposed to be telling women “how you look isn’t the most important thing in this context, you don’t need to feel bad if you’re not the prettiest or can’t afford the nicest clothes because your mind/soul are what really matters” …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/22 02:16 AM
78

I would recommend anyone interested in this topic to check out the Nordic model! It’s not perfect, but it’s the most woman-centered model and it’s supported by all the women I know who are former sex workers. It’s basically decriminalization for the workers but not for the pimps/johns, so women can get resources to help them exit and can get some legal protection/be less hassled by law enforcement but the men don’t get to buy women with impunity.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/22 02:10 AM
109

I am honestly pleasantly surprised that some people were defending her having this as a boundary and that the pro-porn comments had downvotes. It’s super important for us to talk about this issue! Even if you’re in a relationship and don’t plan on dating, the more women (and men) are vocally anti porn, the more it helps normalize this attitude.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/22 02:05 AM
2

I think they can level up into HVM if their LV traits are things like finances, depression, being out of shape, etc. basically if they are LV because they don’t respect themselves, but not if they are LV because they don’t respect women. I would also say that someone needs to have more than 6 months since a major lifestyle/worldview change before they’ve done the work in order to be ready to have a healthy relationship.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/02/22 01:59 AM
15

I relate to this a lot except never ID’d as asexual, just got called a prude or sheltered a lot. I’m following for media recommendations! Mine would be to seek out content written by women or by men who absolutely love their wives. If you like fantasy and old timey mythology type stuff, JRR Tolkien is great although it’s not straight up romance, every single married couple in lord of the rings is HVM and HVW. In some of his other works you can find the story of Beren and Luthien, which is an inc…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/22 06:38 AM
98

I get what you mean about yaoi being the closest comparison, but even then it’s pretty far off. I think a lot of the reasons why some girls/women enjoy yaoi and other gay romance/erotica come down to a fantasy about being able to have a relationship with a man as an equal. Like both characters are men, so they can both desire each other, there isn’t one who is shamed as slutty for being attracted to a guy while simultaneously being told his worth as a human depends on other men finding him attra…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/22 06:18 AM
23

My theory is that the reason he sees this as him “abusing” her is because he is projecting. He is manipulating and using her, but also harming himself by staying in a relationship with a woman he clearly despises and wants to see suffer. Assuming these are $USD values, $22k a year is generally the poverty line in this country so if she’s making $20k a year, she is likely not even scraping by. She should not have offered him money, told him about the savings, told him how much she made, or moved …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/22 11:37 PM
59

Yeah that may be possible. It depends on if he’s listening to try and figure out how to get past our vetting strategies and trick women into thinking he’s HV, or if he genuinely wants to level up and is looking for examples of HV behavior to aspire to or LV behavior to avoid
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/22 02:05 AM
19

I think they can exist for compatibility but not for value. A yellow flag for compatibility would be a trait that maybe isn’t your preference, but also isn’t objectionable to you and you’re willing to explore the relationship further. There are no “yellow flags” for how he treats you or behaves, if he treats you or others poorly or exhibits signs of LV behavior, that’s a red flag, no in between colors, no second chances, block and delete. For an example of what I consider a yellow/orange flag, o…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/02/22 05:38 AM
5

It’s like they don’t understand the difference between “I was financially unstable and not ready to parent, had an unplanned pregnancy, and decided to keep my baby/ my gf decided to keep a baby. I wanted my kid to have the best life I could give them, so I promptly got my shit together and gladly sacrificed during my youth in order to provide them with a good quality of life. My number one priority is helping my kid be happy, healthy, and successful.” And “I am financially unstable and my gf dec…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/02/22 02:34 AM
119

So true! Since unfortunately the consequences could possibly be more significant than other pickmeisha behaviors, that can lead to us feeling particularly devalued and ashamed if we’ve done this in the past. But we have to remind ourselves that who we are now matters more than what we did (or were convinced or coerced to do) in the past. Making a mistake or judgement error when we didn’t know all the facts doesn’t make us dumb or bad people. Accepting bad treatment in the past doesn’t mean we de…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/02/22 05:38 AM
16

I’m sorry you experienced that. But it’s great that you’re standing up for yourself, refusing to tolerate disrespect, and recognizing how awful his behavior was. I also like that you’re holding not just future partners but also yourself to your standards by setting the boundary about porn and refusing to marry anyone who doesn’t meet your standard! I have the same rule myself and it’s such a liberating feeling to realize that it’s not that we’re jealous or controlling, porn is just bad for every…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/01/22 06:30 PM
8

I’m not sure how to feel about this because I’ve never been friends with men who (I knew) were interested in me. I definitely think it can be good to have some male friends (of course not on the same level as the HVW friends), but in my case those friendships happened because the men in question weren’t interested in me. Some were gay, others were taken, basically I was not their type. Because they lacked sexual interest in me, I knew they were spending time with me because they found me fun to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/01/22 06:20 PM
10

In addition to what’s already been said, I think just don’t excuse poor behavior because it’s cultural. Also, all cultures are patriarchal, but it’s ok to have certain mindsets and behaviors you find more tolerable and others that are dealbreakers for you. Personally, I am of mixed European and Middle Eastern heritage. For Middle Eastern culture, I won’t tolerate men who expect me to stop working after marriage, who don’t think a husband needs to respect a wife’s boundaries, who agree with treat…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/01/22 04:40 AM
70

This is so true. And while there are of course exceptions, I think there’s a big difference between overweight women and overweight men when it comes to self care. I am overweight due to health issues and am frequently told I shouldn’t have physical standards for men because of that. Meanwhile, me and most other bigger women I know still do watch what we eat to some extent and exercise regularly, dress in clean, stylish, figure flattering clothes, do our hair, nails, makeup, skincare, hair remov…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/22 06:58 AM
157

This is a really interesting point. I wonder if it also plays into pornsick culture and women becoming kinkmeishas because they think they need more extreme stuff to get off, when they might not need all that extra sensory stimulation if they were turned on by the guy in the first place.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/22 06:49 AM
79

That last paragraph is it. They have this idea of what a woman is and how she should respond to them, and they can’t rationalize it into their worldview when our reality is not what they think it should be.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/01/22 06:46 AM
14

This is a great message for how to make sure we’re not exposing younger girls to the same harmful messages we were told. While I think there are good reasons to be selective with partners and wait to have sex, the focus should be on consistently setting boundaries for your own comfort, not on virginity, because it’s perfectly fine to want your first time to be special but it’s also fine to want the rest of the times to be special too! Let’s take the emphasis off of whether we’ve been with other …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/21 03:12 AM
4

Honestly I think that rule is too generous especially at younger ages. I don’t think there are many situations where it wouldn’t be weird for a 26 year old to pursue a 20 year old. Especially in modern western societies where the 20 year old is likely still in college/university and may be living in a dorm still, whereas the 26 year old is likely financially independent and somewhat established in their career. Even if there isn’t a gap in terms of generational cultural knowledge, there is still…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/21 01:01 AM
4

Thank you for sharing your story! It’s great that you’re getting the help you needed to be able to live for yourself and not for others. To answer your question, I’m not sure. I was always heavier and not conventionally attractive, so from a young age I put up a front of not caring that I didn’t get any male attention as a defense mechanism because I felt ugly and undesirable. As I grew up, I came to accept my body and love myself more. I also spent a lot of time helping my friends through their…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/21 03:15 AM
32

Agree. And honestly, considering how “conservative” means different things in different parts of the world,and that 2 of the hosts are not from the USA, I think it would be interesting to hear from a conservative woman from somewhere like the UK where being conservative doesn’t automatically mean being against LGBT rights and women in leadership roles, or being very religious. Conversely there are tons of women and girls in places like east and south Asia, Africa, the Middle East, etc. who would…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/21 02:33 AM
24

Where do you live that this is the case? Where I live, freedom of speech means that people can speak their minds in private without fear of government retaliation, and public spaces that allow discussion shouldn’t prohibit a viewpoint unless it is obviously incorrect and will lead to harm (shouting “fire” in a crowded theater when there is no fire) or unless expressing the view requires advocating for criminal acts against people or property (for example telling an audience to physically threate…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/21 02:18 AM
13

That’s such a good point that men won’t always propose for the right reasons and to never stop vetting! But yeah I agree if he doesn’t propose, he’s likely going along the path of least resistance/guaranteed bangmaid. Proposing isn’t a green flag, but not proposing is a sign he’s not interested and it’s time to move on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/21 04:38 PM
6

This is a great example because giving someone a ride is a small ordinary thing, but the context behind it showed it’s not about driving her, it’s about him having healthy self confidence and not being possessive or controlling, caring about her comfort and safety, caring about her friend because you’re important to her, and being willing to take time and effort to support her doing something fun for herself and pursuing opportunities to network with the people in your program. Even though he ha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/21 07:00 AM
32

I watched her interview and I feel so sad for her that she’s clearly been traumatized by this experience and she can’t even get help for it since the therapist didn’t even have a response. I didn’t read the response videos. I glanced at the comments (my first mistake) and a few said how they enjoyed that scene that she’s traumatized by, and the rest were complaining about her not “taking responsibility” and her claiming to be a victim when she clearly stated that she didn’t blame anyone and she …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/21 05:54 AM
40

Interesting how in his mind the two options when a woman tells him she wants to end things are 1) cry and beg or 2) manipulate her using high pressure sales tactics. I mean he does totally miss that if she’s breaking up with him, she already is the one who’s walking away from the “deal”. Of course the idea of taking accountability for his actions and apologizing, or asking her if there’s anything he can do to repair the damage, or even just having enough respect for her to appreciate her honesty…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/21 04:34 AM
55

Thanks for sharing! Dr. Dines’ work is so important, we need people criticizing porn that can’t be dismissed as opposing it for personal religious reasons (nothing wrong with that, but people outside that particular religion won’t be convinced by those arguments). I’ve seen a lot of people especially those who left their religion or left a very fundamentalist sect to a more moderate one object to anti-porn messaging because they see it as trying to control people’s bodies by preventing self-plea…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/08/21 04:36 PM
178

You are absolutely right, we should move on at the first red flag. I’d add to break off a committed relationship with a HVM if you feel you aren’t compatible as well. It’s ok if he’s not the one for you, but once you know that it doesn’t serve either of you to stay together.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/08/21 04:44 PM
5

I would strongly recommend reading the handbook. In my personal opinion 1 month is too soon for sex anyway (not enough time to vet him first). 🚩You’re a month in, probably don’t have a commitment/exclusive status/a label but he’s already monopolizing your time 🚩he “cries when he can’t perform” which makes me think he’s upset about his ego not your satisfaction. 🚩You say you’re sure he’s not a narcissist but you feel overwhelmed by his affection 🚩And still he’s not meeting your emotional needs Th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/08/21 07:54 AM
97

Love this! You’re totally right, when people say “don’t be a prude” they’re often trying to get you to do something they want that that doesn’t bring you any benefit or often any pleasure. “Don’t be a prude” = “I have literally no reason for why you should do this other than because I want you to, but since I benefit clearly you should do it regardless of how you feel about it”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/21 03:09 AM
27

Yeah I’m sure it sounds great to scrotes like this, until they learn they have to follow the state religion, can’t get alcohol, and will likely be conscripted and have to work for the Taliban. For real my heart goes out to all the women, children, and LGBT people in Afghanistan who are impacted by this, I wish there was more we could do to help.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/21 01:30 AM
100

Interesting how he’s aware that he’s going to be “emotionally unavailable for the next 3 years” but hasn’t figured out that maybe that means it’s not a good time to be in a relationship.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/21 01:12 AM
23

I’m constantly quoting this verse at people who seem to forget it. I’ve had a lot of conversations with women of various Abrahamic faiths about how the original concept of modesty was about not wearing showy expensive clothes to religious events, like you shouldn’t try to make yourself and your looks the center of attention, but it was about expensive fabrics, elaborate hairstyles, tons of fancy jewelry, not really about showing skin at all. It’s funny how the same people who will harp on about …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/21 04:20 PM
1

That is so obnoxious and creepy, sorry you have to experience that in the workplace. Is there any way you can report it without making trouble for yourself? Or try to move laterally and find a different person in the company to assist?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/21 03:50 PM
29

My family lives in the west now but our culture is sort of similar in that if a man wants to marry he must meet her family and they will ask about his job, his goals, etc. Also the men pay the dowry to the woman’s family, it’s supposed to be invested or kept in trust for her, basically as insurance so that if he mistreats her, divorces her, or dies young, he’s made sure her family has that money so she will be provided for no matter what. Even if she is educated and has a good career, it is seen…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/21 04:51 AM
47

Please tell me she cancelled it. Ladies if you feel like something is a red flag, that’s reason enough to end things or block/delete. If you feel the need to ask other people’s opinions, it’s clearly bothered you. If you’re stressed, bothered or upset by his behavior before even date 1, that’s enough of a red flag and a reason to block and delete.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/21 04:34 AM
23

I get it, I like Minecraft too, but it’s the caption that makes me think this probably isn’t something they do only 1-2 hours on weekends as a family bonding activity. I do agree that Minecraft is better than a lot of other games, but any male that takes on “gamer” as an identity is sus imo
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/21 04:24 AM
40

First off, I would take that as a really inappropriate comment for the workplace. Maybe if it was just “you seem to have really high standards” that might be ok if you have a good friendly relationship with them, but the “I can tell you don’t love yourself” seems like idk if it’s a neg or projection but he’s telling you what your own thoughts are which is never acceptable. Second, there’s a huge difference between being hard on yourself and holding yourself to a high standard. It’s similar to th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/08/21 04:20 AM
191

Idk how their algorithm works but usually the highest listed definitions are the ones with the most upvotes. The most strategic way to do this would be to submit your definition to the urban dictionary, and when it’s available, link it to FDS so we can all upvote your definition and downvote the rapey ones. Please let us know if you submit a definition so we can support it!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/21 08:40 AM
82

That’s so true. “Dark sense of humor” can mean “I joke about bad things I’ve gone through, use humor to cope with difficult things, joke about how we’re all going to be screwed over by climate change” stuff like that, or it can be “I find the pain and suffering of others, especially women and other marginalized people, to be funny, and I think humor is the same as offending people”. It’s disappointing how many times someone’s said they like dark humor and it turned out to be the latter, because …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/21 08:35 AM
25

This is a great post! As women, we are often discouraged from having standards and even preferences when dating. I find that many of us will use either the absence of red flags or one single HV trait to try to talk ourselves into finding a man attractive. Like, “well he’s not supportive of my career goals but he’s not abusive and treats me well”, “he’s a lot older than me but he pays for everything and gives gifts”, “well yes I pay for him often and do all the housework but at least he has a job…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/08/21 02:21 AM
18

Yes. My dad was emotionally abusive to my mother and siblings and emotionally and physically abusive to me. He doesn’t take care of his physical or mental health. His anger issues and poor money management resulted in lack of savings and trouble holding down a job, he was happy for my mom to be a SAHM but he didn’t want to be a provider which led to all kinds of problems. He’s the type of man who at first seems sensitive and in tune with his feelings, but really he just wants to use every woman …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/08/21 01:17 AM
175

Honestly I often wonder if men have always been like this since humans first became a thing, or if something happened with culture and society to normalize this. I lean towards the latter. If prehistoric men were only interested in young teen girls, humans would never have survived. I think the pedo crap comes from the same place patriarchy does, the desire to own and control women. 15 year olds aren’t biologically more fertile and able to have healthy pregnancies than 25-30 year olds, and they …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/08/21 06:26 PM
12

Personally I think there’s a difference between financially responsible and high earning. Most of the HVM I know aren’t particularly wealthy, but they’re not poor either. They have money saved, they are smart about big purchases, investments, and financing, and have figured out how to live within their means while still providing for and treating their wives/girlfriends to nice things. These men are constantly employed and if they become unemployed will immediately start looking for another job.…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/08/21 04:56 PM
88

I’ve noticed this as well, I think it’s a product of the social messaging that says that women can change men, and that if he treats you badly you deserved it because you weren’t good enough. The pickme believes that if she’s just accommodating enough, meets all his standards while demanding nothing of him, and completely willing to sacrifice everything including her health and happiness for a relationship, that she’ll get the man of her dreams. She doesn’t accept (or maybe doesn’t want to accep…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/08/21 04:14 PM
2

Yeah I agree with all of this. I’m literally in the situation where I will be over 30 by the time I get my bachelors because my father didn’t want to help me and my siblings pay for school, he figured “they will be independent” well I ended up working low wage jobs until I was old enough to apply under my own income. As an older student I have to juggle tuition, rent and bills, and paying for my own health insurance in the USA. For me, decent insurance can be almost 2/3rds of my rent monthly. Me…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/08/21 12:31 AM
132

Maybe it’s a cultural thing but I don’t understand this at all. If you’re a parent, what’s the point in accumulating wealth if you’re not going to use at least some of it to help your kids get established when they become adults? Regardless, he’s out here focused on what he wants, not what’s best for their family. It’s not just that he wants to quit- he expects her to keep working, keep paying into “their” savings, and pay for his living expenses. He claims to love his family but doesn’t care ab…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/08/21 09:35 AM
12

Great points. These types fail to see that if one tries hard enough, one can use biological facts to support all kinds of positions: if we accept that men evolved to cheat/be promiscuous to maximize their chance at reproducing, since women require more resources and are more vulnerable during reproduction and child-rearing, it makes sense that we would evolve to be more selective in our mates but there’s no reason why that should limit us to one for life, or even one at a time. similarly, there …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/08/21 10:00 AM
39

In my opinion there are situations where one may want or need to remain friendly with an ex: co-parenting, being in the same professional circles, you live in a small town and he owns the only grocery store, those types of deals. But as for being actual friends, maybe it’s possible if you went on a few dates, weren’t intimate, and he passed the vetting and you both get along but neither is feeling chemistry. And that has to be completely mutual: if you want a friendship and he wants dating/sex, …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/08/21 09:14 AM
21

Perfectly said! And ladies, we don’t ever have to settle for a man we aren’t attracted to either! Beware of the type of heavier or otherwise conventionally unattractive men that date plus size women because they see us as the only option “in their league”. Some guys will do this to get regular sex even if they don’t find us attractive, which happens to thin women as well, but we are especially vulnerable to feeling like any guy who expresses interest is doing us a favor regardless of if we like …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/07/21 02:32 AM
2

I don’t want biological children, and I don’t want to give birth. I have lots of good reasons- not wanting to pass on health conditions, not being emotionally or financially able to give kids the future they deserve, fear of pregnancy, a health condition that makes pregnancy difficult and risky. But none of those reasons matters as much as the simple fact that I don’t want to have kids. People have been telling me I’d change my mind about this since I was 11. As a young teen I thought maybe they…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/07/21 06:35 PM
63

Agreed. I hate when people put the burden on the high school (or younger) girls, complaining about girls wearing makeup and dressing in more “grown-up” styles at younger ages, while ignoring the cultural pressure these kids are under and the psychological affects of telling generations of girls that they mature faster than boys and that youth = beauty = your value as a woman, in order to justify creepy old men wanting to date much younger women/girls. This cultural grooming of young women/girls …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/21 05:07 PM
1

This is a good point, why we would reveal the information is important. For me, I might have to disclose that I have a health issue fairly early as I have a GI condition that requires me to be strict about what I eat to control it. So the relevant information would be to tell a man who wants to take me to dinner “I have very specific dietary requirements so I need to see a menu before I go to the restaurant” and I may clarify that it’s health-related, but I won’t give any more info until much la…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/21 04:50 PM
149

100% this. I’m not “conventionally attractive”, and have been told since literally age 7-8 by well meaning relatives that “some day you’ll meet a man who can see past your looks and love you for your personality”. I’ve had guys reverse-catcall me, basically yell across the street how they think I’m so ugly and they wouldn’t sleep with me (not that I was ever offering lmao). And you know what? My attractive friends get treated badly by men too. Maybe in different ways, but their beauty doesn’t ke…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/21 04:07 PM
2

I would sit down and be honest with her. Emphasize that you’re only commenting because you care about her and want her to be happy. When I was in a similar situation, I basically said I don’t care who you casually date as long as you’re happy, but now things are getting serious and I want to make sure you’re being realistic about this. Ask her straight up, what would she do if he gets her pregnant before he gets divorced? How would she feel if he did marry her but cheated on her with another wom…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/07/21 01:51 AM
4

Yes! Especially if our only models for relationships are LVM or LVW, we really have to go out of our way to deal with our own internalized misogyny and rewrite the relationship scripts in order to both be and attract HVW.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/21 07:34 PM
16

Edit: you might find it helpful to look into the concept of “compulsory heterosexuality” which is a feminist term for how we are pressured to view having a relationship with a man as an essential part of our worth or identity as women. It’s also shortened to “comphet” and affects all women, though it affects lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual women in different ways. Lots of good advice here. Maybe next time you find yourself seeing a woman get male attention and start to think “why not me?” Ta…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/21 07:25 PM
15

A few years ago I ended things with my childhood best friend of 13 years (I was 22 so it was a big deal). There were a lot of reasons but she was just a toxic person for me to be around and I was putting too much effort into her and getting not much in return. I lost basically my entire friend group around that time too due to them always wanting to “party” and me moving past that phase. Honestly losing this friendship was worse for me than any breakup, I cried about it for a while, I really tho…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/21 04:38 AM
1

I definitely agree. I like both series, but for me personally LotR and Tolkien will always be better. GRRM aims for realism and succeeds, but it kind of kills the escapism aspect that I love about fantasy because it’s a different time and place but the same d-boy behaviors and politics of the real world. JRRT on the other hand is more about conveying a real world theme through a decidedly unrealistic storyline, which I personally find more relatable. Like LotR has deep emotional resonance for pe…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/21 01:11 AM
40

I think you did a good job of crafting this metaphor from the male point of view, and you’re absolutely right about how they hate us regardless of if we sleep with them but they look down on us if we do. I used to think a lot of the conflict between men and women as social classes was because we want different things and they don’t understand how high risk and low reward sex is for us. Now I’m older and have witnessed enough scrotacity to know it’s not about understanding, they don’t care and th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/07/21 12:46 AM
21

This is basically the total opposite of my culture but I think it’s great and would adopt this mindset if I were to have children. I don’t think it’s necessarily in opposition to teaching children basic life skills, but if boys can learn to cook and clean without ever seeing their father lift a finger, girls can learn these things without seeing their mother do it all the time. There’s a difference between teaching them knowledge of valuable life skills, and having an expectation of the women/gi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/21 07:52 PM
2

Absolutely agree that makeup does not equal high value. I do wear makeup myself sometimes and I don’t shame anyone whether they choose to wear it or not. Makeup is similar to other cosmetic procedures like mani/pedis, hair removal, teeth whitening, coloring or changing texture of hair, etc. in that it doesn’t indicate value but it does indicate time and effort spend on our appearance that most men generally don’t put in. It’s up to each woman to determine if the cost in time and money is worth i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/21 05:08 PM
5

Sure! Glad it’s helpful!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/21 01:23 AM
10

I can definitely relate to the part about LVW using wlw’s sexuality against us. Also I think it’s subconscious but sometimes when a boyfriend or ex lies about sexual stuff you “let him do” in some instances could that be lowkey mate guarding as well? Like sharing or making up details of physical stuff you did would raise his social capital but also lower your value in the eyes of the other guys he’s talking to. If his bros see the girl/woman as slutty or easy they might lose interest in pursuing…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/21 12:26 AM
20

Ok full disclosure I only read the first 2 books and never watched the final season, but that being said and based on your list I’d say Jon snow is like the higher end of low value. He’s certainly not as bad as other characters but we all know that being better than your ex doesn’t make a man HV. I’d argue that as far as I’ve watched in the show, Samwell is closer to becoming an HVM than Jon Snow is. Samwell starts off kinda lame but he faces his fears, he wants to protect Gilly and her baby des…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/07/21 12:00 AM
63

I completely get why upper class women like OP would prefer to date men on/above their level. I feel similarly but in reverse- I’m working class and wouldn’t date old money/aristocracy. I wouldn’t date a broke guy or someone who has poor money management skills, but where I live (USA) one can have a comfortable lifestyle from working for a wage or salary. In my experience LV working class and poor men will be lazy and mooch off you, whereas LV upper class men will be just as lazy and disparage y…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/21 09:13 PM
73

Completely agree. In my experience people can unlearn poor money managing habits and develop good ones, but if someone has poor or lacking morals and ethics, by a certain point they’re unlikely to change that especially if they’ve been successful without those traits. By all means if someone only wants to date in or above their social class i support her having that standard for herself, but personally my experience has been that men with poor morals and poor money management can exist in any cl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/21 08:31 PM
4

I think staying in the relationship with a guy who doesn’t wash his face if they’re over the age of like 10 is definitely pick-me. She clearly has a standard for skincare and yet is with a man who doesn’t meet that standard, which is pick-me behavior. It’s definitely not normal or healthy but I will say I was thrown off at first because to me, trying to convince or persuade your man to level up to meet your standards, and doing all this work for him, strikes me as more of a Bob the builder chick…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/21 07:48 PM
3

I’m gonna suggest some things I wish were done for me at that age. express interest and give them space to talk/brag about their hobbies and interests other than boys. To the best of your ability without pushing them into it, provide opportunities and encourage them to pursue things like sports, learning a craft/language, extracurriculars, even time with female friends. expose them to any HVW friends as you feel comfortable, or find examples in media/history. Show them how HVM treat HVW, but als…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/21 08:29 AM
3

First off I’m sorry you went through all that and that you’re struggling now. Second I do know it’s possible to put your life back together, I’ve known women who did, it took them a while to heal and then to rebuild but I do know a few who left an abuser and then leveled up their career, went back to school, started a business, and just are so much happier and living on their terms 5, 10, 15 years later. You can do it. Give yourself time to heal, maybe you even need time to grieve like I did whe…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/21 08:10 AM
101

Agree on avoiding men who call themselves gamers. Personally I do play video games myself from time to time so it’s not necessarily a deal breaker for me but here are some things I personally consider if a guy plays video/computer/mobile games: how much time does he spend gaming, and how frequently? Every day, on weekends, a couple times a year? what kind of games does he play? Personally I avoid League of Legends players but if he plays Civilization or some other game that doesn’t require regul…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/07/21 02:21 AM
5

Thanks so much! The costs are very similar, but I hadn’t thought of the other things you suggested, especially the nearby schools thing is a great point, I’ll do some research and maybe that will swing things in favor of one or the other.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/07/21 04:42 PM
1

Well my experience was a bit different, but overall I agree. I was more on the heavier side of average body type as a teenager and sometimes a guy would try to be my friend when he had no interest in me, because I was friends with women he was interested in. It’s a different kind of experience but it still sucks and it’s still a betrayal. Basically if he finds you attractive a LVM will befriend you hoping for sex, and if he doesn’t find you attractive but still befriends you he could be using yo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/07/21 03:52 PM
48

Currently my main focus is leveling up my education. I have been accepted into multiple universities to complete my bachelor’s degree! Two of them are both fairly prestigious in my field, both with excellent post-graduation employment rates and projected salaries, both with opportunities for internships, networking, and help with getting started in my career once I graduate. Both have also offered me pretty significant scholarship packages. I’m really excited to have gotten this far, a few years…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/21 07:53 PM
2

Thank you so much for your detailed response, this is super helpful! I really appreciate it and this whole series, I relate a lot to your story in part 3, I’m also an oldest child and from a similar culture/background so I too have been going through the process of learning to embrace my feminine side and recognize the inherent strengths and values of that. It’s hard when we live in a society that’s focused on men, with masculinity seen as equal to strength and value, and even harder when our li…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/21 07:32 PM
56

All very valid points! I’ll add from my experience (never dated a single father but lived with my dad for a bit as a teenager): just because he didn’t initiate the divorce doesn’t mean he’s HV. Women with kids generally don’t choose divorce lightly, so if he wanted to stay married what was he doing or not doing that she felt she would rather be a single mom than live with him? If you do decide to date a single dad: - if he has time with his kids but doesn’t pay child support (and he’s supposed t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/07/21 06:28 PM
80

Reminds me of a high school friend who met my stepmom and claimed to be her height (5’8”). He was actually 5’4”. Insecure short guys kind of ruin it for themselves because while there are women who wouldn’t care about or even prefer their height, them being so insecure and obsessed with it is definitely a turn off.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/07/21 04:38 PM
3

I would suggest your friend do some sort of therapy to build up confidence, and to learn to recognize/control anxiety. If she can’t access a counselor, there’s a free app called SAM that has an anxiety tracker as well as resources for anxiety attacks that’s pretty helpful! It’s important to learn to identify what her anxiety feels like in her body, the emotions and physical sensations, and what situations, people, places, things, etc. trigger it. Being able to identify anxiety can help to know i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/07/21 10:00 PM
65

This is so relatable for me. When someone is neglectful or treats us poorly, it’s important to realize that we can’t make them give us what we need and deserve, all we can do is cut contact with them and figure out how to meet our needs for ourselves. But it’s just as important to grieve all the time we were mistreated or went without having our needs met. That sadness means acknowledging how we were harmed by these relationships, and consciously being aware that we didn’t deserve that and we do…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/07/21 02:03 AM
25

First off the amount of hair on their heads is unrealistic. Second, they look waaay too grey/white haired for that age. My mom is older than them and has like 4 grey hairs. For that matter, my grandma had less grey at 65 than these guys do.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/07/21 07:26 PM
8

I’m so sorry that these men have put you through this, both the r*pist and your POS ex are to blame but you are NOT. What you did was no different from what many other people your age do, I did it too, i got drunk for the first time not intending to but not knowing my limits and thinking I was safe with friends. While my experience isn’t in any way comparable to yours, I did have a guy get physical with me while I was blacked out and I didn’t even know it happened until he told me years later (i…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/07/21 04:05 AM
48

That’s a good point. What is meant by “working class” does vary depending on what country you’re in, but it’s important to remember that at least in the USA there’s a pretty wide spectrum of incomes for people who are working class or even blue collar (for example trades like plumber or HVAC are widely considered blue collar/working class but can earn $80,000 USD a year and with no university debt) Personally when it comes to serious relationships and marriage I prefer people who are also workin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/07/21 01:45 AM
8

Leave him. Age gap aside, this is a man who you’re not attracted to, who doesn’t respect you, and who coerces you into sex (which means you weren’t consenting, and there’s a word for sex with a non-consenting partner, which is a criminal act). All of the benefits from this relationship are things you could do for yourself, you could get a (or another) job, ask family for help, apply for private scholarships, take on student loans if that’s your only choice, and as for help with your uni work fin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/07/21 08:30 PM
145

Yes. Every 21+ man I know who lusts after 18 year olds has openly told me he would have sex with a younger girl (14-16) if he could “get away with it”. And they use the myth of “well it’s just biology, that’s when they’re most fertile” despite the fact that 14-19 year olds as a group are at a higher risk for complications with pregnancy than 30-35 year olds.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/07/21 03:38 PM
2

Great post, I went through and read the whole series so far and I really appreciate how much detail and effort you put into it! I learned a lot, thanks! If you do another one, my suggestions are 1) could you go into a bit more detail about how you learned to express your gratitude appropriately? I am currently working on this and having a hard time finding a middle ground where I’m expressing my joy at receiving but not going overboard to the point where the giver might doubt if my reaction is g…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/07/21 08:23 AM
51

This is so true. Maybe I’m biased because I’m a heavier woman but most of the women I see with a similar body type to me put in far more effort than men who are similarly overweight. Like, I see plenty of bigger women out here doing all the same skincare, hair/nails, dressing well, etc. as thinner women, and many of us do exercise and/or generally try to eat healthier foods. Most heavier guys in my experience put similar amounts of effort into their looks as thinner guys, which is already very l…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/07/21 07:23 AM
15

This type of reasoning is honestly despicable. They’re literally saying we should have a designated group of women to throw under the bus of male violence in order to make things just a little bit easier for the rest of us. First off, how many women in this group are truly there of their own volition and not coerced either physically or economically? Second, how many of them are underage, abuse victims, belong to a marginalized group, or live somewhere where they don’t have access to resources t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 10:34 PM
22

Yes! These dudes don’t get that “at my worst” means you personally are struggling, not that you’re treating others poorly. And if you’re at “your worst” the vast majority of the time you’re with someone, that’s not your worst that’s just your normal.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 05:02 PM
97

Such a good example. OLD literally turns us into commodities and makes initiating a romantic connection into a transaction like making a purchase.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 04:18 PM
418

Men who are too emotionally needy and want to talk about their feelings constantly. This is tricky because I am NOT talking about men having and expressing emotions in ways that would be appropriate and even expected from any adult. I’m talking more about guys who use you as a therapist, and who can’t actually support you when you’re struggling because they make every discussion about what’s going on with them that there’s no room for them to hear/care about your issues. Basically if he uses you…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 08:11 AM
7

Love this! In high school, my friends and I used to have “friend dates” on Fridays where we would go to a free/cheap concert, art show, or just order a pizza and watch a movie or something, but the point was to find something nice that we thought each other would appreciate and make a point of spending time together. Currently, my best friend and I live pretty far from each other and we’re both students so we don’t have a ton of money but we will regularly buy or make each other things and send …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 02:26 AM
8

I love this idea! It’s a good way to get in the habit of interacting with others for those of us who are more shy, as well as to use our energy to uplift people who will appreciate it!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 02:17 AM
38

I’ve really enjoyed the podcast so far! Some content I’d like to see would be stuff about how women from different parts of the world, cultures, locations, ages, etc. incorporate FDS into their lives. Specifically, I’d love an episode on coping with LVM or NVM in our lives we can’t get away from, such as dads or brothers, since not everyone is in a position to cut contact and those relationships affect what we expect from men and dating. Even after we’ve worked through our trauma, negative early…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 01:45 AM
37

This is a great point and it’s relevant regardless of where we are on our fitness journeys! From the other end of things, I’ve had guys try to sabotage my diet/exercise because in their minds, I’m already overweight and not an athlete so why bother? Some of the worst things I’ve gotten were a guy friend trying to sneak meat in my food (I’m vegetarian), “do you really need to go for a walk every single day? That’s kind of obsessive” and accusing me of “trying to be anorexic” because I was doing a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/07/21 12:27 AM
11

Yes! Pre-FDS and even as a teenager I had pretty high standards, some things I have changed my views on (like caring more about financial and emotional stability and less about liking the same music), but I’ve never looked back and regretted not giving a chance to someone who I wasn’t attracted to or who didn’t meet my standards for behavior. It’s empowering to know what I want and to not feel like I have to tolerate anything less.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/06/21 05:05 PM
2

That’s absolutely disgusting. These creeps really do value their arousal/gratification over our health, safety and lives even.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/06/21 04:37 PM
5

This. If my little brother, a college student, knows I’m having a bad day so he orders me a pizza and desert and has it sent to my house, that’s a really sweet and thoughtful gesture and a not-insignificant amount of money for him. If a man with a job wanted to get pizza and watch TV for a date, that’s a low effort date idea that shows he’s not interested in making an effort with me. I like to take my friends and family out to eat and spend money, time, attention etc. on them. But I also like to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/06/21 08:46 AM
11

Honestly it doesn’t bother me either even though I am a bit overweight. Back in the day I followed this girl on tumblr who posted about recovering from anxiety and anorexia. She had doctors telling her she needed to gain weight in order to live and be healthy, and yet she still had multiple dudes a day in her asks calling her fat, whale, obese, etc. NVM on the Internet will call any woman fat regardless of her actual weight, BMI, body fat percentage, etc. and as more of us figure that out, less …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/21 02:54 PM
188

Yeah I don’t get it. Even my LV dad and pickmiesha stepmom split expenses proportionally, and their incomes are at opposite ends of the same tax bracket. And it’s probably just a cultural thing but I can’t get over how his family treated her. Even when someone has a partner that other people don’t like, in my family we’d still treat them like any other guest- go out of our way to make sure they’re comfortable, offer them food to the point of possibly annoying them, and do everything in our power…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/21 07:40 AM
304

Exactly. The initial asking for 50/50 is regular scrotacity, but insisting on it to the point where he’s not willing to help her out when she is obviously physically suffering means he doesn’t care about her AT ALL. I hope she leaves him and finds FDS, she deserves better. I really hope she doesn’t marry and/or have kids with this man because both her and the kids will suffer immensely if she does, he clearly has no regard for her humanity.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/06/21 07:10 AM
35

What a cute little guy! Wishing you a speedy recovery and I hope you have people around you now that will actually support and help out if you need it!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/06/21 04:02 PM
20

Are we talking class as in tax brackets/income, or class as in relationship to the means of production? I’m in the USA, so my class is really anyone who has a job or is self-employed. I wouldn’t want to date aristocracy or owning class people because our lifestyles, experiences, mindsets, values, and goals would likely be so different we wouldn’t have enough in common for a real relationship. I plan on going into a reasonably high-earning field once I finish school, and I’d prefer someone of sim…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/06/21 08:32 AM
36

“Misogynistic men see all women in the same way” perfectly said. Putting other women down won’t get these men to treat us any better, and worst case it can make us easier to abuse because they know we’re trying to impress them and stay on their good side.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/21 10:11 PM
47

Agreed. I get so mad when a woman is being mistreated and other women refuse to comfort her or speak up/defend her, or even worse, they blame her for it. We have to set the standard for how we treat each other, and just because some men find it acceptable to be creepy or hurtful or abusive doesn’t mean we have to accept that. I’m sure all of us can think of a time we were mistreated and either someone did help/defend us, or we wish someone had, so we should do that for others and call out bad be…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/06/21 08:42 PM
449

Absolutely. So many times I’ve heard men defend the wage gap by saying women choose to stay home, work less, or go into lower paying jobs. But they ignore the fact that many women choose those things because it’s what’s best for the their husband and children rather than themselves. And women are socialized to consider our husband’s feelings in our education and career decisions even if we don’t have or want one (staying home to let him provide, working to split the bills so he doesn’t feel used…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/06/21 07:39 PM
17

It’s so true. Men of all cultures, ethnicities, and religions treat women like property. The difference is in how honest they are about. In my experience a sexist west/south Asian man will straight up say what he thinks a woman’s place is, and there are a few western men like that but more often you encounter the fake “feminist” who claims to see you as an equal but still expects you to do all the housework/childcare/emotional labor, still demanding women be chaste and virginal (except with him)…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/06/21 05:19 PM
12

While in my experience the advice I get from older women varies heavily based on their culture and beliefs, one thing I’ve noticed is they tend to assume that a man, or at least a married man, will 1) want and 2) prioritize marriage and starting a family. Which is a big assumption as plenty of HVM don’t want to be fathers and plenty of LVM want to father children but then do no parenting and not support the kids financially. I think there’s also a generational difference in what specific acts ar…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/06/21 08:10 AM
12

I remember when she was like 23 she did a video telling young college age women that they need to focus on getting married and having kids, both “for the sake of the white race” and for their own happiness. The comments were full of guys who watched her stuff being like “practice what you preach” and “why aren’t you married yet??” I was raised conservative and have sympathy for religious and/or conservative women who got trapped in bad relationships because they believed their only options were …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/21 04:14 PM
3

That’s a great start! As far as describing it, like what symptoms do you have? Racing thoughts, elevated heart beat, stomach ache, muscle tension/teeth grinding, headache, pain in a part of your body, breathing fast, shortness of breath, nausea, feeling “stuck” in your thoughts and unable to distract yourself or change the focus, anything physically or mentally that you notice while feeling anxious. If you have the same feelings most or all times you’re anxious, that can help you to recognize it…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/21 12:10 AM
2

I feel that. Honestly most of the music I listened to when i was like 12-14 is like if I heard it today for the first time, I wouldn’t like it because of the lyrics, but at the time I related to it on a deep emotional level. I guess that’s just a part of growing back, to look back at our younger selves and kind of cringe a bit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/06/21 12:00 AM
6

My therapist talks about the differences between fear and anxiety. Fear or nervousness is something you feel in the moment because of something happening right now. This is usually an indicator that something is wrong. If you are feeling fear when interacting/on dates with men, that’s your intuition telling you something. It could be the environment or the man that is setting off the fear response, and there are usually levels that you can clearly recognize (“I need to keep my guard up, I can’t …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/21 05:43 PM
3

I’m assuming you’re in the USA so apologies if you’re not. If you’re a student, you can usually get at least a couple sessions for free from the mental health services at your college/university. It’s great that you’re saving up for therapy! In the mean time, if you want to look for resources to sort of get started, you can look online or in libraries for books/worksheets for CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) for the issues you’re facing. A good start might be to use a journal or app (I use one…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/21 05:23 PM
3

Yeah, this song, and the song “girlfriend” seem extremely pick me. I do believe she was fairly young (17?) when she started her professional music career so it’s possible she was just a kid when she wrote that song and has since matured, or that it’s the label wanting her to project a certain image and she doesn’t hold those beliefs herself. Of course that doesn’t change the message that gets sent to her fans. I remember as a kid my dad made a big deal of showing me her music and videos to be li…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/06/21 05:11 PM
93

Her defense of pimps makes me think she knows very little about the reality for most women in the sex trade, and her calling them “workers” makes me think she doesn’t understand class analysis. This is like a whole new level of libfem I didn’t think was possible.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/06/21 11:27 PM
59

…why?…why would you do that? For free? And brag about it??
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/06/21 11:16 PM
13

This is relatable, the HVM I know are my cousins or other relatives as well. But in my case most of them are much older than me (50+) so it’s always nice to hear that HVM are still a thing and it’s not a generational thing! My cousins who are my age all have good hygiene and take care of their appearance. I don’t know them well enough to say if they’re otherwise HV or LV, but I think just being around relatives with HV traits normalizes them for us and makes us less likely to accept less from a …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/06/21 04:48 PM
10

Same. I’m let’s just say over 25 and at this point between the risks, the turn-off of slutty men, and how a lot of guys fetishize virginity, I’d prefer a male partner have 0-1 previous partners as well. I’d rather our first time be kind of awkward and we figure it out together, than he has all these expectations from porn and his past experiences. I’m more flexible with women, and I wouldn’t care about the number so much as like is she a player having one night stands vs actual relationships, si…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/06/21 07:47 AM
106

This is really helpful, thanks! One similar thing I do is never be apologetic about a delayed response to his texts. No “sorry, I was at work” or giving a reason or anything like that. I get in the habit of doing that with family and friends since I want them to know that I value our relationship and I’m not just being flakey, but with guys it sends a different message. If I feel the need to give a reason or apology for not texting back sooner it says that I feel like I owe him my time and energ…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/06/21 08:53 PM
18

This is spot on. I was thinking about the difference between the modern “feminist” man and the old timey sexist the other day- how so many of these modern guys do want a traditional housewife, they just also want her to pay the bills and be a porn star in bed. This isn’t liberating for women, it’s placing yet more impossible standards on us while allowing men to benefit from our labor without contributing anything to the relationship (or doing a few bare minimum things) Personally I don’t consid…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/06/21 04:09 PM
19

Same goes for friendships- if they’re not fun to hang out with unless you’re drinking/getting high, they’re not fun. If they pressure you or only want to party with you and not do things together sober, they’re not really your friends. If you feel you need to get drunk/high in order to do something, that’s because you don’t really want to do it. It’s ok to cut out people like this, and it’s better to be alone than to force yourself to do things you don’t want to do or to be around people whose c…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 06:27 PM
3

That’s a tough situation, same for me. My advice would depend specifically on what LV behaviors they’re displaying, are we talking poor hygiene, unmotivated in life, manipulating people, active scrotery towards young female guests and family members? If you feel unsafe or don’t want to deal with them at all, host/organize an alternate gathering for the women so you can catch up with family but miss the big gatherings. I would say first off trust your intuition about who you let around your kid. …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/06/21 08:40 AM
2

I enjoy Science VS. sometimes, it’s not deliberately female centered but the host executive producer are women. They’ll sometimes have male guest experts but because they’re short episodes (about 30 mins) they limit how much the guys can talk lol. They do a bunch of different topics, it’s kinda pop sciencey but they have all their sources in the description so it’s a nice way to get an introduction to a topic I’m not familiar with!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 08:11 AM
68

This is so true. Especially in western societies where the emphasis is on being self-reliant and successful, all relationships outside the nuclear family are seen as less important and even transactional. Your spouse/partner isn’t the only person that can meet your emotional/social/intellectual/spiritual needs, and we should normalize strong friendships in adulthood, being close with parents, siblings, extended family (assuming it’s a healthy relationship), and volunteering and being involved in…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/06/21 04:14 AM
18

Um no. This is not it. The bare minimum is a partner who actively wants to be with you. It’s not romantic or sweet or flattering when he says basically you were the path of least resistance. I can say from personal experience, it is truly better to be volcel than to be romantically or physically involved with a man whose reason for pursuing you is “you have a vagina and you’re here”. We deserve better than that, and we should respect ourselves enough to refuse to settle for that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 08:35 AM
25

They’re so annoying. They’re just criticizing her the whole time and then going “well at least she’s honest about what she’s looking for” and did they seriously pull a “not all men” about drink dates?? Plus, depending on where you go and what you get, drinks can be just as much if not more than dinner. Besides, the cost of the clothes, products, hair/nails/waxing appointments, etc. she would do to get ready for a date are probably way more than the cost of dinner.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/06/21 01:59 AM
2

I hope it’s just because she’s young and she’ll eventually realize she deserves more from a relationship. Like 50/50 when one person makes more is never an even or fair split. And she’s pregnant! Is he paying 50% of the doctor costs, prenatal vitamins, maternity clothes, all the stuff the baby will need? Even so, he isn’t taking on any of the risks and physical changes she’s dealing with, and I doubt he will even do an equal share of parenting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/21 04:24 PM
69

This. A century ago in the USA, if you were poor the entire family worked- man, woman, and children. Today in the USA, the vast majority of women don’t have an actual choice to be stay at home moms- either they have to work to pay the family’s bills, or they have to stay home because their income would be equal or less than what they’d have to pay for childcare if they did work. Around the world, companies will specifically hire women in countries without strong labor laws because women will wor…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/21 04:11 PM
1

Maybe she’s not making you feel desired because she’s standing there, self-conscious about the thousands of “flaws” and “problem areas” she’s been told that will make a man instantly repulsed by her body if he notices. Maybe she’s so focused on looking hot for you, being at the right angles, performing those porn scenes for you and making sure they look good, and trying to ignore how awkward, uncomfortable, or even painful it is for her that she can’t be focused on your self-esteem right now. Ma…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/21 07:57 AM
46

I have similar experiences. I’ve never had a good conversation with a man who’s trying to sleep with me. I’ve had several men I found attractive but lost all interest because of their refusal to connect as human beings. The worst was an otherwise gorgeous man who, when I asked about his hobbies and interests, replied “drinking, f*cking, smoking, partying”. He was like 28.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/21 04:36 AM
1

When I hear guys going on about nature like this, I think of how Homo sapiens outlasted the bigger, stronger, larger-brained Neanderthals because being the weaker species forced us to create more advanced tools and big group hunting strategies and exist in much larger cohesive social groups to survive. Part of this larger group strategy was fatherhood, males taking an active role in providing for and protecting children and pregnant/nursing females. So it’s interesting that so many men want to g…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/21 03:42 AM
23

It’s definitely a problem in the wlw community that a lot of women end up treating each other the same way men treat women. Anyone can be low value, but in my experience women who are newly out and/or don’t have a lot of exposure to lesbian/bi communities or happy healthy wlw couples are more vulnerable to this. If you’re just coming to terms with your attraction to women and the only model you have is based on the LV/NV men in your life and the media, it’s easy to think you should copy this beh…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/21 02:54 AM
59

Ugh I hate this as well. And like it’s never a woman looking for a serious girlfriend/wife. It’s either an “experiment”, she thinks her man would find it hot to be hear about (or worse, she wants him to watch or join in), or she’s not satisfied with her man and doesn’t think it’s cheating if she sleeps with a woman because she sees wlw as a porn category and not real relationships between full human beings. Which I think is part of why women sexually harassing other women isn’t taken as seriousl…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/06/21 02:17 AM
6

So I’ve been listening to the podcast for a while but I joined this sub just to say how much I loved this episode! Great topic and I love Dr. Gail Dines! I’ve watched her TED talk and other videos of hers on YouTube before, and I was discussing her work with someone I know who’s in the mental health field. What videos/works of hers would you ladies recommend to introduce someone to her academic work?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/06/21 03:39 AM
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