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SzDiverge Archive

View 0 posts and 272 comments by SzDiverge on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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4

There is a calculator that you can use for Mn. You put in all of the costs for health care and daycare.. etc. you also input how many overnights you have with your daughter. It’ll spot out your child support number. NOTE: right now you’re establishing how many nights you get your daughter. If you let the wife take your child and you have no overnights, it’s going to be an uphill battle to get 50/50. Also, 50/50 custody is based on OVERNIGHTs with your child, not how much time you spend together.…
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/22 04:31 PM
3

Whoa.. wait a minute here. Mediation is NOT, NOT, NOT about finding middle ground. Not remotely close. It’s about getting the deal done. If the mediator sees a deal that both parties will take, he/she will ram it down your throat. Don’t be confused that they are remotely trying to be fair. Not at all.
/r/Divorce_Men17/08/22 12:01 AM
3

If I were you, I'd journal every interaction with her. Being able to show her actions to squash the custody portion is exactly what you need. She's doing it for a reason - she is afraid she will lose her agreement. It looks like you're doing the right thing - just keep doing it. You appear to be reasonable and are offering to help with the kids - exactly what you need to do. Journal all of these things too. Nobody here can tell you what your chances are, but having a judge refuse to dismiss the …
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/22 06:25 PM
1

Often there is a threshold that is required to merit a change. I'm not sure if there is a rule for requesting a review though. In MN, my lawyer told me it was 20%. This doesn't mean that if I got a 25% promotion I'd be telling her. lol Just keep your mouth shut and enjoy your new job. And YES, wait until the divorce is final before going for the promotion.
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/22 07:59 PM
1

If she’s sending out money, I’d be sending out the same money as well.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/22 01:12 AM
1

it goes like this: Her vehicle debt is 29k - 14.5k of that is hers, 14.5k of that is yours. If she sells the vehicle for 29k, then you both walk away with nothing. Your vehicle equity is 25k - you sell it and you get 12.5k and she gets 12.5k. If she would have had 29k in equity instead of debt, you'd be splitting that too.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/22 08:23 PM
2

The time to deal with these issues is during the divorce negotiations, not after. She has ZERO incentive to cooperate at this point. Sorry.
/r/Divorce_Men13/06/22 08:18 PM
2

If you think she’d fight you for claiming children, then file first. What’s with “I don’t think she’d let me”? They are your children too. She doesn’t get to make the decisions and you have to beg. Of you have 2 kids, claim one and have her claim the other. Be fair and the blowback will be minimal.
/r/Divorce_Men31/12/21 06:08 PM
2

I understand.. but like I said. She doesn’t make the rules and control the divorce. She can’t arbitrarily decide when the date is to suite her best interests. I had to tell my ex off about this sort of behavior all the time. She kept trying to apply PICS % to all shared costs for our son when it really only is court enforced for healthcare/school/child care type things. Nope.. for cell phones, car insurance, other optional shared costs, we had to agree. It took a while to get it through to her, …
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/21 05:00 PM
4

You’re being asked if the date of separation was binding.. in other words, did you complete part of the agreement and sign it? Or was it left hanging? My divorce was about 3 phases.. each time we signed the document, making it binding. How is she extorting you? Simply tell her NO. Go back to a mediator if necessary and she may decide it’s not worth it. She sounds like my Ex.. she always communicated like it was her divorce and I was just a participant. She pulled shit like this all the time and …
/r/Divorce_Men11/12/21 03:34 PM
1

It really depends on how contentious your divorce is. If the proceedings are reasonable and she’s not making problems, then maybe you can get away with having the 2nd job. I would 100% require her to sign a document that she agrees that your 2nd job is temporary and will not be considered as part of your income. If she is difficult and may try to use this against you, then no, don’t risk it. As always, the best thing to do is discuss with your lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men11/10/21 04:00 PM
1

First step - go and set up free consultations with lawyers in your area. I'd assume if NJ is anything like MN, there are a lot to choose from. These consultations are a way for you to ask questions you have and get answers from lawyers, people with experience with the system. I did this and quickly learned about what to expect. Set up MULTIPLE consultations and ask the same questions at every one. When you receive the same answers to questions, you'll build confidence that it's true.. if you get…
/r/Divorce_Men01/10/21 04:25 PM
2

Often it comes down to communication and understanding what your spouse needs to be happy. An example is Wife feels love through acts of showing affection and love, doing things together like travel and going out together. She wants to hold hands and be kissed and have thoughtful things done for her. Husband is working hard. He's works hard at his job and supports the family. He loves being out in the garage tinkering on things and fixing things around the house. The house maintenance is spot on…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/21 05:16 PM
4

|I was going to file an EPO but I didn’t want to ruin her. Are you looking out for the best interests of your child, or your soon to be EX? This won't ruin her.. it would ensure that she can't take your child from you. You've got to do what is best for YOU and your SON. File the EPO and protect him.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/21 04:54 PM
1

I wouldn't volunteer anything unless you're asked. Anything you volunteer may be used against you.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/21 08:19 PM
3

You're the PRIMARY caregiver for your children.. why on earth did YOU leave the home?? If she was so unhappy, she should have been the one to leave! Jesus. Quit falling on the sword! She makes more - why the hell are you offering her 60/40 of the assets? No child support?? WHY WHY WHY? To get it done quickly? As the one that makes more, why didn't she offer those things? | and now because Mom is female, she is calling the shots of when she is "letting" me see my daughter. Sorry, but you gave her…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/21 03:19 PM
2

One thing you must consider is - will anyone really care that you've got a studio apartment? I'd speak to a lawyer about this. Most divorces are resolved through mediation - not court. If you've got a plan that starts with a studio and eventually moves to a 1 or 2br, then that's probably adequate.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/21 02:39 PM
1

|I don't like the selling the house idea because my wife has literally no where to go. She has no family or friends. And with the kids, where and how would she even be able to afford the skyrocketing rent/housing prices? The thing is when you decide to divorce, it is no longer your responsibility. Splitting up means she has to figure this out. You have kids with her so of course you care, but it's not your RESPONSIBILITY. She needs to wake up and figure things out for herself. |And I've talked t…
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/21 02:09 PM
2

Sounds like a great plan. Fill out as well as you can and wing it from there.. they'll let you know if you are missing anything of importance.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 08:02 PM
2

is Michigan a no fault state? If it's no fault, then just forget about it. I had A LOT of documentation showing that my wife was seeing another guy - at his place constantly instead of with the kids. Telling them she had to work (real estate) and would be with him. I had it well documented and easy to prove. My lawyer said forget it. It will do absolutely nothing to help the case and maybe even detrimental as I'd look like I'm stalking. lol
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 08:01 PM
7

Not necessarily. Another reason is because it's a slow downhill slide that goes unnoticed by the husband until she pulls the plug. This happens very frequently when there isn't good communication. He's doing X because that's what he thinks is the most important thing, but she really wants Y. It isn't always because she's banging some guy.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 07:52 PM
1

As others have said, follow her on a different profile and get the video that way so you have the copy. In your situation - you need to journal EVERYTHING. Any behavior that she has that is detrimental to your ability to parent your kid, or alienate you.. you need to get down on paper. If you can get a parenting time assessment done, which is very common when you both won't agree on the split, this sort of information could be useful - definitely a question for your lawyer though.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 07:47 PM
3

When I started the process in MN, I got the same request. It's intimidating and frankly, pretty scary to try to do! It really ended up being nothing more than a helpful guide for my lawyer to know where we were for budget and spending prior to the divorce, and what it would look like when I'm on my own. If you can put together your best estimates, then that will more than likely be more than good enough. Really, the only reason a CDFA would remotely be necessary is if you and your STBX fight too…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 07:36 PM
1

Not sure where you get this math from, but it's certainly not applicable to many locations. I've never seen alimony math in my state (MN) use nice numbers like you just used. It's not at all that straight forward.
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 07:23 PM
1

Seriously - you need to speak to a lawyer and discuss options. You didn't give much of any information in your opening post to help you. Your location makes a HUGE difference. If you're in Ca (you'll get HOSED) it's a whole different animal than in Indiana (No alimony). I understand your fear of making payments to her.. but it's not necessarily a horrible thing. It really depends on your situation that must be reviewed with a lawyer! At 11 years, you could be on the hook for half the duration of…
/r/Divorce_Men21/09/21 07:21 PM
1

If you were still married, wouldn't you free time to yourself also? Did that free time make you feel awful? Hopefully not. This really isn't any different. You deserve free time regardless of the situation. I'd argue that you just may be a better parent when you have these new forced "breaks". When I started this process, I could not in a million years imagine going to bed without seeing my son every night. Two years later, I'm past those feelings. Yes I'd like to see him more, but I've accepted…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/21 04:59 PM
4

Don’t allow yourself to isolate. Get out and exercise or go to a gym.. talk to people and make new friends. If you have any hobbies, join a group or club that has get togethers or events. Talk to guys here on this sub that are going through similar. It really does help.
/r/Divorce_Men14/09/21 01:26 PM
2

In MN the push is very much 50/50, certainly in Hennepin county. I just finished a divorce of 25 yrs and didn’t do too bad.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/21 05:20 PM
1

You're welcome!
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/21 01:25 PM
2

Feel free to DM me if you have questions or need help. Obviously talk to a lawyer ASAP so you can understand your situation better at your location. It will also help you feel better about the situation.
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/21 12:15 PM
2

I’m sorry that she’s using scare tactics against you. You’re doing g the right thing by asking questions. You have no reason to roll over and let her walk all over you. What state are you located in? My ex tried to make me be the bad guy through the whole process. She wanted me to pay for all the debt, her lawyer fees.. everything. She wasn’t so happy when she couldn’t get her way on everything. I knew what I was entitled to and also what I wanted and where I was willing to give. This isn’t HER …
/r/Divorce_Men08/09/21 01:06 AM
2

You have to stay the course and keep bing a good parent. It’s not fun now, but years later when they are adults and respect what you were doing, it’ll pay dividends.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 11:58 PM
2

I got 50/50. I told her that it was a hill I was going to die on. If she wanted to guarantee court and the associated costs.. then go ahead and fight me on it. I think it was really her lawyer trying to stir things up. During the first mediation session, it was pretty clearly settled that it'd be 50/50.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 09:09 PM
1

It’s looking like custody is the way to get the continued involvement Do you not understand how the process works at all? I don't mean to be mean by asking. You WILL get some custody (parenting time). Stop thinking that you won't or that you'll have to fight for ANY time with your kids.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 08:46 PM
1

By the way - "lifetime" "or "permanent" alimony doesn't necessarily mean until you're dead. You really need to talk to a lawyer to define what it actually means where you are. Here in MN, I was told that it can mean until retirement, sometimes beyond, but not usually. At the very least, at the point of retirement, your income significantly changes, so your alimony would also. So, whatever you had to pay before retirement would absolutely change. I don't know if the court could affect when you ch…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 08:16 PM
3

Seriously - it sounds like you have the mindset that what she wants, she'll get, and you just have to live with it. This is what I learned while living in MN - sure, things may be a little different where you are.. It's usually in the children's best interest to say in their current environment. If one parent wants to move, they usually can't take the kids with them UNLESS the other agrees. Your more than likely CANNOT just decide to move back home and take the kids with her, leaving you to pick…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 08:09 PM
1

I don't advise matching her ridiculous 100% demand. That's bad advice. The court will more than likely appreciate reason - if she's trying to take it ALL and you present a reasonable position, then there's no reason to think that they wouldn't accept that. My ex pulled that same wanting 100% crap. She told me at first 50/50, then served me and the papers said 100%. I started at 50/50 and didn't waiver at all. I was doing what was best for my kids and the court would see that.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 07:58 PM
1

Do you have language in your decree that defines how you are to talk about your Ex with the children? My decree lays out specific things that we cannot talk about and that we cannot undermine each other. If you have something like that in your decree, then you could explore this with your lawyer to see if she is violating the agreement. Beyond that, you just need to keep being a good dad. Eventually your kids will see what she's doing. It may take some time, but I'd bet that the bond with your k…
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/21 07:08 PM
1

I’d talk to your lawyer to try to get an idea of the minimum cost if you have to go to court. About all you can do is try to get her to understand the cost and how mig of a waste it is. Some of these lawyers are just shit bags. My ex’s changed my 401k valuation date at the last second, days before our ICMC meeting to try to get her an extra 40k. He was really just hoping it would land us in court. Didn’t work! She agreed to remove it, though that cost $$ too.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/21 08:47 PM
1

The mediator told her the same and she’s still not backing off? Does she seem like she wants to go to court? Usually people want to avoid it. If it were me, I’d try to talk some sense into her and tell her it’ll cost you both a lot to go to court when it’s clear she won’t win that battle. A huge waste of money.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/21 01:50 PM
1

I’m in MN also and just finished a 2 year long divorce. I have spoken to my wife through the entire process to try to move negotiations along - to avoid more mediation and eventually court. It worked.. we were able to resolve all the issues abs complete the divorce without court. Do you have major issues that are being fought over? I’d want to know exactly why your lawyer doesn’t want you talking to her. Keep your composure and document all conversations.. appear like you are trying to move towa…
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/21 05:15 AM
3

Does your separation include finances? So you are no longer required to support her? While lots here are saying to tell her to pound sand and take care of herself, it’s never that simple. I dealt with money issues during my entire process with my ex. One thing to consider is how will your response affect things going forward? If you give a little now and help her, will it make the rest of the process easier? If you refuse, will she be a nightmare? You can use this as a tool to help keep things m…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/21 02:47 PM
3

You don’t have to look at every purchase for the past year. I’d just estimate it. During the initial part of my proceedings, I focused on my future expenses. I used a good spreadsheet to break down all my post-divorce costs and used that to develop a monthly budget. My Ex did the same, though hers was absolutely ridiculous. If you start fighting about debt and the past some song becomes a major issue, then maybe it’ll help to break it down. Keep in mind that most divorces are settled through med…
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/21 12:57 PM
2

Why are you having to create such granular expenses for the past year? Are you arguing with your stbx about it?
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/21 02:30 AM
2

You take an average of past income. You don’t need to over complicate it.
/r/Divorce_Men04/09/21 02:25 AM
1

Are you working with a lawyer? What makes the most sense to me is average your 4 years and use that number. If the years are wildly different, what makes sense? If you were to change jobs with a income change up or down, your current wage would be used most likely (within reason). My ex made 60K+ for years then got a lesser paying job at about 40k for about 2 years. She was able to use the 40k number for her I come. Are you getting info for court? Mediation? Trying to do this on your own?
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 11:25 PM
1

Seems pretty straight forward then. If you’ve earned x amount yearly, then that’s what will be used.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 11:19 PM
1

You pay support on established income. Are your stocks guaranteed? Have you received them consistently over a period? If so, that’s what is used to calculate support payments.
/r/Divorce_Men03/09/21 11:17 PM
1

Yes it’s normal. I’m surprised by all the replies to this post that make it seem like it’s semi-unusual for the ex to keep your name. I know a lot of people that have divorced through the years and I can’t think of a single instance where the wife changed her name back to her maiden name. Maybe someone young that had a very very short marriage. Typically I think the wife keeps her the married name. After all, that’s who everyone knows her as and it’s a huge pain to have to correct everyone for t…
/r/Divorce_Men31/08/21 01:21 PM
1

We can only go by what is communicated in the posts and yeah.. anyone that comes into any of these divorce subs is going to get criticized for not fighting for their rights, then complaining about it. You do have valid complaints, as do the rest of us about how the child support is spent. I KNOW my son doesn't cost what I am forced to pay and I hope that someday the system is correct - though not likely. Regarding your situation - you think you know the person you're divorcing until you start th…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/21 02:51 PM
2

I read your whole post and this part is all I can really see: |I wasn't so sure that her mother would have gone nuclear and try to turn the whole thing into a legal and financial nightmare. Seriously.. WTF man? How can you complain about what you have to pay when you didn't even fight to get equal time with your kids. How are you so SURRREEE she would have created a nightmare? Because she said so? My STBX did something similar. We discussed 50/50 then she served me with papers and wanted full cu…
/r/Divorce_Men30/08/21 02:10 PM
5

The right thing is to focus on being a good dad and let her fuck things up herself. My kids are 16, 20 and 22 and I haven’t told them. I want to so bad, but I won’t. I know it’ll make their relationship worse with their mom, but that is not really a good thing either. I know I’d feel better.. but that’s selfish. So, I keep it to myself and focus on being good to my kids.
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/21 12:55 AM
4

At least she didn’t do what my Ex did.. she had her BF, the guy she was cheating on me with also, over to help her move her shit out of our house. She didn’t give them any warning and just had him show up. My kids HATE him because of this and it has hurt their relationship with her too. Just keep doing the right thing and the rest will work itself out
/r/Divorce_Men29/08/21 12:41 AM
2

Most divorces are resolved through mediation.. so I wouldn't count on needing to get to court. A lawyer would quickly tell her that she's not going to win a no alomony and no child support argument.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 09:06 PM
1

Yes it certainly is! Thankfully, in a lot of areas, it's not nearly as bad as it was years ago. I'm SO thankful I'm getting mine done in MN.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 06:25 PM
2

Dude.. you're leaving a TON of money on the table here. The roles in this situation are usually reversed and the wife would get 50% of all assets and then absolutely would get alimony payments based on your income differential. Could be payments or one time pay-off. Even if you split custody & parenting time at exactly 50/50, she would pay you child support based on your income differential. No idea where you're located, but you could be looking to gain a significant amount monthly to help you o…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 03:50 PM
2

Why do men keep posting on here that "my wife won't let me back home"?? WTF - You own the home just as much as she does. Go back home. Pick a spare bedroom and live there. Love our kids and have a way to record anything she says and does. Most of all - TALK TO A LAWYER about your situation. If you run risk of her claiming DV, then you may have grounds to move out without it being seen negatively. I wouldn't do that without guidance from your lawyer though! She has no say in you coming home or no…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 03:45 PM
1

Dude.. you are sounding like a broken record. TALK TO A LAWYER about your questions. No offense meant, but you can complain all day about how things are, but it doesn't change anything. If she's not willing to go full time - maybe you should drop to part time too and level the playing field.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 03:41 PM
1

Yep, it's ridiculous to be sure. Even more fun is when your spouse had a great job and quit it to work a shit job just prior to divorce and THAT gets used. Your retirement scenario is interesting.. if you both retire then divorce, you'd divide your assets and your income would be equal I'd assume since it's coming from retirement. The issue may be that since she's worked part time for so long, she wouldn't earn as much as you from social security, so they'd make you give her some of yours. IDK f…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 03:35 PM
1

It's definitely NOT the date you decide to move out. 100% not this. You need to check with a Lawyer to see how things work where you are. Here in MN, it's typically the date of the first meeting with a judge or court referee, called an ICMC meeting. In my situation, we didn't file, but started working on the Divorce Decree and met through mediation several times. Mid October 2019 we agreed on our financial split through mediation and the Divorce Decree was signed to establish that - That's the o…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 03:30 PM
1

Do you have a custody/parenting plan in place already? If so, what does it say? I HOPE it has language in it that stipulates that the child cannot be moved from the school district without both parents approval. It sounds like you live in the better area - I'd not allow them to go to school where SHE is moving. If you have your Divorce decree setup correctly, then her moving means absolutely nothing in regards to where the kids go to school. You don't need to take her to court - she'd have to ta…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 03:22 PM
3

Do you have a custody/parenting time in place? If not, then she has no legal right to prevent you from picking up your boys. I'd probably just go to school and pick them up myself and dare her to make an issue of it - recording it while it went down. The better way to handle it is to talk to your lawyer - hopefully they will call you back quickly. When they do, be sure to have ALL your questions ready so you minimize the calls. No way would I allow my wife to control me in that way without some …
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 03:14 PM
2

Only you can decide what to do from here - If you truly believe that she's putting in the work and want to keep the relationship with her, then by all means try. You may need some time with a therapist yourself to get past the abuse you've endured. Do you have kids? This could play a role in how much you're willing to try. I don't know the relationship your wife has with your parents previously, which would have a huge role in them allowing her to stay with them. Yeah, it's a bit sexist but I'm …
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 03:05 PM
1

You are NOT trapped. You need to stop thinking about what others will do or say and do what is best for YOU. So what if your family is disappointed! I'm sure mine was too, to a degree. Honestly, in my situation they were all completely shocked. This changed overtime and I got the support I need - they see me as MUCH happier now and I'm doing what I needed to do for ME. You only have your remaining years on this planet.. you can't let being embarrassed prevent you from being happy.
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 02:55 PM
2

The general consensus is absolutely do not move out without speaking to a lawyer. Can you do it without any issue? Maybe.. but why invite the possibility of massive risk and a huge uphill battle? You really need to be in risk mitigation mode here. You want to reduce the risk of the court ruling against you for moving out. At the same time you want to minimize the risk of her claiming false DV charges. The best way to do this is to only have discussions with her publicly and carry a tape recorder…
/r/Divorce_Men27/08/21 02:45 PM
1

It doesn’t work like that. Spending money shopping is not the same as moving cash out of the account.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/21 10:38 PM
1

Agreeing to do whatever you want with your "special account" is NOT the same as dividing funds at the time of the divorce. If you agree to allow each other to spend 1k per month on anything you want.. that's still community funds. Friendly agreements often turn to dust when you start fighting during a divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/21 06:18 PM
4

You aren't as smart as you think you are. This has been thought of and done many times. The bottom line is you MIGHT get away with it if you were to divorce and she doesn't raise hell about your personal account - meaning that she doesn't get a forensic account involved to see where all the money you had went. Technically that account is half hers too. If it gets to the point of needing a forensic accountant, then they'll quickly see that you've been hiding money and that's BAD for you. You coul…
/r/Divorce_Men26/08/21 01:29 PM
1

We’ll, that was uplifting.
/r/Divorce_Men21/08/21 12:53 PM
1

I wouldn't be surprised if you end up having to give her half of the mortgage payments she had to pay on her own - it is still YOUR home too. I'd probably counter with you want her to cover half of your rent payments since it was her threats that forced you out. You can settle this in mediation.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/21 09:13 PM
2

Unless you've split your finances and have legal documents saying so, you could very well be helping her financially - she may be entitled to half of whatever you make from your 2nd job. Talk to a lawyer! I'm betting that you'll be told that you should wait until after the divorce is complete.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/21 08:23 PM
2

This is trust/will writing 101. Seriously - ANYONE that is going to create a will or trust should NOT put the spouse of the family member in the will. If they stay happily married, they will get the benefit. You don't want to deal with the mess if they divorce.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/21 08:13 PM
1

Receiving inheritance during marriage or before doesn't make change the fact that it's not a community asset.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/21 08:05 PM
1

Where are you located? That is absolutely INSANE. I'm finishing my divorce of 25yrs - 3 kids with youngest 16. I make about 110k and she makes 40k. I had to give her about 100k extra from my 401k to eliminate spousal maintenance - she has MS so no way was I going to pay monthly when she can come back for more. My child support is $380/mo factoring in her income and healthcare premiums (she carries health ins, I carry dental and vision).
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/21 07:47 PM
1

You may want to talk to a financial advisor about this.. but I'd leave the pension alone and sell the house and give her the cash equivalent, if you can afford it. otherwise, I'd sell the house and put that same amount in an IRA. The 30% and 33% is based on her income alone or it's based on your difference in income? She would have to give up 63% of her income to child support and spousal - $5000 a month?? That seems crazy. In my state (MN) you enter your GROSS income, her GROSS income, health i…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/21 07:02 PM
4

You didn't answer the question about the impact to your pension in the future. Child support is 33% of what? Same question with Spousal support.. what does 30% mean?
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/21 06:13 PM
5

You're getting at least 113k in home equity and likely more depending on what is owed. Also getting 1k per month in child support and daycare paid for. In return she's getting 52.5k from your pension and 7k cash? On the surface it looks like you should take this deal and fast.. but.. is she getting half of your pension value TODAY? is the pension going to grow until you retire then she gets half? Does losing that money from your pension now affect what you'll get later? This could be a lot of mo…
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/21 05:19 PM
8

These are questions that you need to be asking a lawyer that is familiar with the laws in your area. Generally, if it was acquired during the marriage, then it's both of yours (with some exceptions). I don't know the impact of you signing a quitclaim. Are you off both the deed and the title? The quitclaim is usually for the deed I believe. No, it should make no difference if it was purchased as a home or rental property.
/r/Divorce_Men18/08/21 05:11 PM
1

Good.. I hope you got some of these questions answered!
/r/Divorce_Men11/08/21 01:05 PM
1

Is this for real? You have children and plan to get married... and can't come up with your own reasons for wanting them present? Also - your youngest is 17 - why aren't you asking your kids yourself???
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/21 04:49 PM
1

I assume you have a lawyer? Did you ask what to expect in this session.. they should have some tips for you to prepare for it. A good experienced lawyer will know what you should expect and will help you prepare. Have you reached out to the child psychologist or their office to get an understanding of what to expect? They should have material that you can review - this will help you prepare.
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/21 04:31 PM
2

can my attorney reach out You have an attorney, why aren't you asking him/her? You have a resource to get answers to these kind of questions, so use them. They can also answer if someone else can communicate with her. Your lawyer can also help you navigate how to keep your bills paid and hold her accountable too.. if you can. If you have to start paying bills yourself, you can likely recover her half or portion through mediation or the court. If your wages are significantly different, you may no…
/r/Divorce_Men10/08/21 04:26 PM
2

You need to deal with the restraining orders first I think - ask your lawyer. If they aren't erased, of course the court will let her stay in the home while the divorce is proceeding. I can't see them making her leave when you are the one that has the restraining order against them (lie or not). I wouldn't live in the same home with her regardless - do you want more false accusations? What do you need a document template for? You aren't at a place in your divorce yet that requires you to draft t…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/21 05:30 PM
1

You aren't going to get full custody based on what you said about her parenting. Why would she pay your legal fees? The fees will come from your combined account.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/21 05:25 PM
1

Why do you think you'll be paying 70-80k? Where does that number come from? Many have asked and you have yet to answer. If she doesn't work, of course you'll be paying for her lawyer too - it comes from the combined funds and/or credit. If your wife doesn't work, can she? The courts can assign a wage to her as if she were working, then calculations are based on that. Your marriage is short and no kids.. you won't be paying alimony for long, if at all. It depends on your location - TALK TO A LAWY…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/21 05:17 PM
2

Do you have a lawyer?? If not, GET ONE TODAY. Your lawyer can advice you on how to deal with this situation. If her living with the BF will affect alimony or not.. what your next steps are. You're jumping WAY ahead here. You need to talk to a lawyer now!
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/21 04:45 PM
1

Why don't you list your questions and we can help you identify new ones - everyone's situation is different. Regarding 50/50 parenting time, most courts these days are really pushing 50/50 unless there are very good reasons not to. So, you have to look at your situation and understand if there are significant things that could allow her to go after more than 50/50 - drugs? Alcohol? Abuse? but I don't think she will go for that without somewhat of a fight So what? She doesn't get to decide whethe…
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/21 04:41 PM
3

Who is "they"? All females or those from FDS? It's well known that FDS is a place that breeds the exact kind of quote you presented. This is NOT all women.
/r/Divorce_Men09/08/21 04:35 PM
16

My ex does this and I respond every time with “was there a question asked? I didn’t see one.” Then don’t respond until she asks an actual question. This a power thing. If she asks a question, she’s admitting that you have control. If she states it like that, she feels like she’s not in as weak of a position. If you want her to stop maki statements then you’ve got to stop responding until she changes her behavior.
/r/Divorce_Men07/08/21 05:10 PM
3

It can! The key is to just be the best dad you can be. If your STBX is anything like mine, she is all about her new man to the detriment of the kids. She introduced him to them instantly and has been all about him since. 1.5 years later, the kids despise him and have a strained relationship with her. I, on the other hand have been very careful to be there for them and to just try my best to be a good dad. I also met someone and took the route of VERY SLOWLY introducing my kids to her when THEY w…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/21 03:53 PM
2

Great.. then you know that this won't have an impact on the proceedings.
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/21 03:47 PM
4

At 12, there is NO WAY your child can decide to live with one parent and get their way. IF this happened, your ex would have to go to court to ask for this change.. and it wouldn’t be granted if she didn’t have a damn good reason! Kids can’t just decide they want to switch and it’s done. Doesn’t work that way. If you were in the middle of a contested parenting time arrangement and the kid obviously had issues living with you, he/she could maybe give a tiny bit of influence, but not much. The dec…
/r/Divorce_Men06/08/21 01:17 PM
1

So that gets me to wondering if I have to cut a check for half the value of those things. If so, current value or what I paid? It's current value - if you sold it today, what would you get for it? Then if she keeps her hobby stuff, do I get a check for half? Yes, exactly. In reality, you'd add up the value of the stuff you want to keep, and she does the same. If you have 20k in "stuff" you want to keep and she has 10k, then you'd have to give her 10k - either cash or equivalent stuff.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 06:08 PM
2

Thanks. I didn't know that - certainly critical that it's understood how OPs state deals with this.
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 06:03 PM
2

You still need to know how your state deals with this - is your state a No-fault state?
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 06:01 PM
1

Are you in an "At fault" state or "No-fault"? You admitting to having an affair means absolutely nothing in divorce proceedings if you are in a NO-FAULT state! You need to know this immediately!
/r/Divorce_Men05/08/21 03:24 PM
1

lol.. I appreciate the compliment! Absolutely, feel free to DM me! I'll do what I can to help!
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 08:26 PM
1

Depends on your location - talk to a lawyer for the best answer that apply to the courts in YOUR AREA. If you both make about the same, it seems reasonable that you wouldn't have to pay child support or alimony. Again - lawyer questions. Regarding child parenting time. For chlidren that small, a 7 day rotation will likely not be recommended and maybe not allowed. What is usually pushed these days are schedules that alternate after a couple days. It can be quite disruptive to children so small to…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 07:36 PM
1

Questions for your lawyer. It sounds like nothing bad happened due to her shutting off the phones? If that's the case, then it's probably not worth doing anything beyond making it known that she did it. Maybe you could have your lawyer request that the court require her to give you access to the phone account? I'm not sure it would be granted if the account is in her name. Going forward - get your own phone! At least a prepaid for these important meetings! Or borrow one.. anything so that you do…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 03:12 PM
1

That's not true. If you change jobs and your income goes up or down, you can request a change. This is often done when paying alimony and the person pays retires, for example. Their income drops dramatically usually, so an adjustment is made. Maybe alimony is discontinued, maybe reduced. Also, if you get a job making significantly more, your ex could come back at you for an adjustment upwards. Alimony is NOT necessarily locked in. I'm in MN, and was told by my lawyer that my wife, due to her MS …
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 03:07 PM
1

You've got some great questions and the best and most accurate answers you'll get are by doing some lawyer consultations in your area. Call around and find some lawyers that will do FREE ones - you should be able to find some. Ask them all these exact same questions and write down the answers. You may get some differing opinions, but you'll see a theme. The BIG BIG BIG thing you need to understand is that there are TWO things to consider here. The lawyers will tell you "the court would likely do…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 02:55 PM
1

What are the ramifications of missing this call? Have you followed up with the referee assistant or whomever? You'll find out from them what your next step is. It may be a non-issue and you re-schedule. Or, there may be fines or penalties? You need to figure that out, and then you'll figure out what to do next. This is a good lawyer question. Do you have one? Also, I'd be calling the phone company and asking for some sort of confirmation and documentation that SHE shut the phone off. Your screen…
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 02:11 PM
3

ONE time.. just once! Do not submit to her manipulation just ONCE and you'll see how liberating it feels. You recognize the issue, that's great and a big step. Now, your next step is to fight hard to resist these manipulative tactics by your Ex. It may help to have someone you trust be a contact that you can reach out to when this happens - work with them to talk sense into you so that you don't cave and rush to her aid. Having a 3rd party reiterate what you already know can be a HUGE help.
/r/Divorce_Men04/08/21 02:05 PM
1

Interesting. We had joint mediation meetings but with me in one room with my lawyer and her in another room with her lawyer. The mediator switched back and forth. It was a huge waste of money sitting there waiting for the mediator to talk to her. Your method will hopelessly work better! Yes it is brutal!
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/21 07:00 PM
2

Just remember that you have just as much power as she does here. Don’t think that she’s in the drivers seat and gets to decide things. For mediation, figure out what you absolutely want and what you can be flexible with. It also doesn’t hurt to ask for more knowing you will be giving it up. I did this with a Yeti cooler my ex was determined to have. Lol. I acted like I wanted it and ended up getting a $600 bike rack and compressor for it. Absolutely 100% be prepared when you go into mediation. K…
/r/Divorce_Men31/07/21 06:20 PM
1

Have you talked to any lawyers yet about the process and what you should expect? If not, this is the first step. It does you NO good to stress over what you dream up for scenarios. Talk to someone that knows the likely result of your situation. I was on the hook for likely lifetime alimony with my STBX having MS.. danger of her coming back again and again to ask for more. I ended up giving her more of my 401k to make her go away. It turned out to be about 15 years worth of reasonable alimony pay…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/21 05:19 PM
1

With a 15yr marriage and you making double what she does.. If she's willing to take no alimony, then you should RUN with that deal.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/21 05:13 PM
1

If parenting time is being evaluated, a great way to ensure that you screw yourself out of parenting time is by using your kid as a tool to get information. Just about EVERY divorce decree will very clearly state that neither party are to use the children to get information about the other parent. I can just imagine my lawyer's response when I tell him "My 3yr old daughter is saying that her mom is saying bad things! Lets go get her!" He would ask me "how do you know??" "my response is "well, I …
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/21 05:02 PM
2

How can she use alcohol against you? Are there significant things you've done while drinking that she CAN use against you? If not, then you really have nothing to worry about. You drank, she drank. So what? You quit THC? That's great.. I recommend getting a test done NOW to show that you've got none in your system. Continue to get tested every couple weeks for a while to show that you've stayed off of it. THC is not likely to be an issue anyway, but if she tries to make a big deal of it, being a…
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/21 04:51 PM
1

Don't let it bother you. Imagine being 3yrs old and having no idea what the hell is going on. You just know you have to leave mom/dad weekly. It has to be very difficult for them to process! The best thin you can do is be positive and not let her know that it bothers you.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/21 04:17 PM
1

You're actually offering advice to ask your 3yr old if mommy says bad things about daddy? This is even worse than your recommendation to be Disney dad for your kids! You should NEVER put your kid in the middle of your issues with your ex. It's a terrible stress to put on the child and can be very damaging to the relationship.
/r/Divorce_Men30/07/21 02:08 PM
1

We sold our home just prior to our first mediation session and there was a good amount of equity that had to be divided. She had the silly notion that she could have the proceeds from the home, stick me with the remaining debt and have me walk away with nothing. We used our first mediation session to negotiate through how to split the home sale proceeds, debt and possessions, and also dividing the investment accounts. We ended up leaving that session with an agreement on how our house proceeds w…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 06:32 PM
1

Good point about the court date! I used the fact that my STBX stupidly chose to close on her new townhouse the day after mediation, essentially committing herself to be done with the financials that day. It certainly helped me get more than I would have had she not been desperate to get her hands on money to close on the home!
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 06:12 PM
2

It's interesting how little this is discussed. SO MANY posts only talk about Court and Judges decisions. I totally agree - almost all divorces are finalized in Mediation - a very different situation than court and your last opportunity to control your destiny! My one big piece of mediation advice - they are not neutral! Mediators will push a deal that both parties will accept, even if it's not equal. Like said above - know your hill to die on!
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 05:24 PM
1

No, your 401k or HSA contributions will NOT reduce your obligation. It is this way to keep people from artificially reducing their income to pay less. It keeps someone from maxing out their pre-tax contributions, finalizing the divorce, then going back to some lesser contribution.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 05:19 PM
4

Here's a couple quick ones: The talk is always Court this, Court that.. what will the judge say?? In reality, most divorce proceedings are steered towards and are solved in mediation. Mediation is your chance to control your destiny and negotiate with your STBX. There is a lot of leeway to decide on things together. Knowing what a Judge is likely to do helps a lot, but you're best off not having to go to court. Speaking of Mediators - we think of them as neutral parties with the idea that they a…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 05:14 PM
1

It's irrational to think you can control her behavior. You cannot. It's not a means to control her behavior. It's to let her know that video/voice is being recorded as a DETERRENT. She can still behave the same way if she chooses, of course. No, you would not have. Yes I would have. The recordings are to keep you from going to jail. They are for the police officers to deal with he-said, she-said situations Of course Focusing on recording for court is a fool's errand. I agree. Where we don't agre…
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 04:27 PM
2

In this case, tipping your hand is not a bad strategy. The idea here isn't hoping that she tries to pull shady tricks, it's to PREVENT them. I'd much rather not deal with having the cops called in the first place. You're much better off taking steps to prevent issues than to have to fix them after the fact, even with video or voice evidence. If I would have needed voice recording during interactions with my STBX, I would have told her that I'm recording.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/21 03:59 PM
2

When dealing with a home that you put money down on prior to marriage, this is how the math works though (consult a lawyer in your area to be sure!). You buy a house for 100k. You put 10% down - 10k. You get married.. live happily ever after for a week or three then decide to divorce. Sorry mate! Your house has increased in value from 100k to 150k! These crazy pandemic times has helped your home value skyrocket! Good for you! Because you put 10% down on the home before marriage, you are entitled…
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 04:50 PM
2

You really need to speak to a lawyer. You MIGHT be able to pull this off if you were to go through medical diagnosis and be determined to be unfit to work at the level you have been.. or something similar. There is NO WAY you can just quit your job and use your new income or lack of as a new calculation for how much you pay in support. It's this way to protect both sides - if your wife had previously had a great job and quit just prior to divorce, you'd be furious if the court took her 0 income …
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 04:45 PM
2

You're very welcome! Like I said before.. take the time you need. It's just time. Yes it does cost more, but slowing down and understanding what you need is worth it. It may cost you a couple hours more but it could save you thousands and a ton of regret afterwards. Good luck!
/r/Divorce_Men03/05/21 12:29 PM
1

Child support is a JOKE. While the amount I pay is low ($300/mo) for my 16yr old son, I can't get a straight answer as to what exactly it's used for besides the obvious - roof over his head and food. Her mortgage is about 700/mo and I know he doesn't cost $300/mo. Everything else is extra: Sports Lunches Clothes Medical prems/bills Cell Phones Car Ins etc..
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/21 09:07 PM
1

For these new or unknown costs, how are you dealing with it? Your ex makes more than you do, but you're paying for it without question? I'm a little lost here.. what is the language in your decree that's making you bleed yourself financially when it seems like she's not suffering also?
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/21 09:02 PM
3

The best thing you can do is talk to a lawyer to discuss what your options are. Most areas will have some lawyers that offer free consultations. Schedule several and ask the same questions to get an idea of what the real answer is. You could very well be entitled to spousal maintenance and she may even be required to assist with your schooling, especially if you followed her with the expectation that she was providing support, sacrificing your career options. What you REALLY need is a lawyer to …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/21 08:54 PM
1

I spent a lot of time studying the financial aspect of the split. I knew we were selling the house, and I knew she wanted me to take ALL of our credit card debt. I also knew that she had put some money down on our 1st home, which mean that she got more from selling our 3rd home. I didn't know what that was going to look like though. So, I made a spreadsheet and created tables and calculations that I could use to adjust amounts that she may ask for. I ran various options to get a feel for how thi…
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/21 02:05 PM
4

No, not really. The best way is to have it specifically written into the divorce decree that the child is to stay in the same school district. My decree says nothing about where I have to live, but it does say that my son must stay at the same High School. Having said that, I do live in the same district so he doesn’t have far to go for each home.
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/21 12:12 AM
1

It’s not a bad thing that the attorney is trying to go for compromise. It’s better than having one that always tries to instigate fights. You just have to be strong enough to take a stand at times. I also made mistakes. I sure wish there was a practice round! I’m sure I could have negotiated to get far more money, but so let the lawyer and my mediator talk me into things. You absolutely have a chance to start again here. You need to think about some strategy. I’d pick some areas that are importa…
/r/Divorce_Men25/04/21 12:08 AM
1

Just because you are someone that can and will compromise doesn't mean that things can't go your way. It can actually help you. YES - figure out what you absolutely won't give on. And stand your ground. If there is something that you absolutely want and will even go to court over it, then absolutely don't let the mediator talk you out of it. Your lawyer may be trying to help, but he doesn't have the ultimate decision. My lawyer is very compromise oriented also. In mediation he wanted me to take …
/r/Divorce_Men23/04/21 09:36 PM
1

You had mediation sessions.. did you sign anything at the end of the mediation? I have had two separate sessions with my STBX. At the end of each session, we ended up signing a version of the decree that was agreed to at that point. So agreeing on how assets and debts are divided.. signed! Have you not signed anything? Also, this may be late for you, but KNOW that the mediators are NOT neutral. That's not their job. I made the mistake of assuming that they were supposed to be a neutral party and…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/21 08:18 PM
1

Stop contributing to retirement/investment accounts. Cash flow is king during divorce. She's going to get half anyway. This is terrible general advice (unless you're absolutely strapped for cash). If I would have stopped contributing to my retirement, I would have missed huge gains last year. You're far better off continuing to invest, even if you'll have to split It later, than to stop and lose out on the market growth. Also, this early in the game, you don't even know how the negotiations will…
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/21 07:15 PM
2

What kind of debt? If it's debt acquired during the marriage, then you'll likely split it in half. If one of you brought debt into the marriage, like student loans, then they may stay with the borrower. This is at the court level though.. You'll likely go through mediation first. This is where you may negotiate who takes what regarding assets and liabilities (debt). My STBX was hell bent on me taking every penny of debt.. she was on some otherworldly vendetta against me. lol She was told during …
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/21 07:10 PM
1

If your decree says that she has the final say on education matters, then I'd say you're screwed. Best to ask an attorney though. This is why you make sure the decree accounts for those things. Mine specifies that my son stays in his existing school district, even specifying that he stay at his current high school.
/r/Divorce_Men21/04/21 07:04 PM
0

I know exactly how things work. I’ve been through multiple mediation sessions. Have you?
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/21 03:30 PM
2

Minnesota is the same - 50/50 no fault. My STBX tried many of the same things. Didn’t work for 4 years, went back and got a menial job, no real ambition to get a better job when she has a degree so is capable. She wanted me to take 100% of our credit card debt, trying to blame me for ALL spending when she was the one without the job. She wanted all of the house sale proceeds which was 195k. She even came at me for full custody at mediation. Her team purposely didn’t give any numbers to us before…
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/21 02:41 PM
-2

Why did you give up so much through mediation? You have a choice..
/r/Divorce_Men18/04/21 02:31 AM
1

Talk to a lawyer.. they’ll tell you.
/r/Divorce_Men17/04/21 02:44 AM
1

Since you bought the home only a year prior to marriage, the numbers may not be too dramatic. This is how the math works though (consult a lawyer in your area to be sure!). You buy a house for 100k. You put 10% down - 10k. You get married.. live happily ever after for a week or three then decide to divorce. Sorry mate! Your house has increased in value from 100k to 150k! These crazy pandemic times has helped your home value skyrocket! Good for you! Because you put 10% down on the home before mar…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/21 08:24 PM
1

That's up to you. It's a bit of a gray area as far as ethics is concerned. It is your money.. how would you feel if your STBX did the same? I knew divorce was coming so I quit putting things like money gifted on holidays or birthdays into the joint account, building a small stash. Adding $20 here and there isn't anything anyone is going to balk at. Do you already take out spending cash? Continue to do so, but cut back on spending it.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/21 07:52 PM
1

Your name has to come off the mortgage as part of the divorce. If she can't afford the payments, then she has to find somewhere else to live. The house gets sold and you split the proceeds (usually after deducting other outstanding debt). If you have a house worth 200k and owe 100k.. and she can't afford to buy you out (she'd get a loan for 150k and pay you 50k).. then the house gets sold for 200k and you each have 50k. Maybe she can get qualify for a 100k home and put the entire 50k down.. that…
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/21 06:29 PM
1

She's only going to keep the home if she can afford it. No judge on earth is going to award her the house with no ability to qualify for the loan. This happens all the time - wife/husband wants to keep the home but can't qualify. What happens? House gets sold and get an apartment. It's a fact of life - divorce is expensive and can be life changing. People sometimes have a hard time understanding that they can't continue with their existing lifestyle. The bottom line is that you get divorced and …
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/21 05:20 PM
1

It depends on the situation and where you live. My STBX and I sold the house right in the middle of proceedings. We've been in our own separate homes for over a year and the divorce is still crawling along. Have you talked to her about it? If you both agree to sell, then it seems like a pretty obvious choice.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/21 05:10 PM
1

If there isn't any real benefit to 45/55, then why doesn't she agree to 50/50? For me - NO. Absolutely not. I read your post history and I would not negotiate with her. If I were in your shoes, I'd have all of her BS antics documented and be ready for court. I would not settle for less than 50/50. 45/55 means one less day per week for you to spend with your kids. WHY? What valid reasoning would she have to have to have the extra day?
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/21 05:07 PM
1

Likely nothing will come from it. If you divorce and end up in mediation, you can certainly bring the issue forward and add it as part of the negotiation. It certainly is possible to get some compensation as you negotiate financial matters. If nothing is resolved through mediation, I highly doubt a judge would pay any attention to it - unless you can prove what she did with documentation.
/r/Divorce_Men16/04/21 05:00 PM
1

From what I understand, courts tend to side more with the moms so I feel like I am shit out of luck with this. This may be true or not, depending where you are located. The best thing you can do is get some free consultations from lawyers in YOUR area. In my county, the system is very much in favor of 50/50 and it's difficult to vary from that for either the mom or dad. If I got divorced the next county over, it would have been a whole different story as they favor moms heavily. You really need …
/r/Divorce_Men15/04/21 04:33 PM
0

If you are trying to help, then talk and actually help people by providing advice from what you've learned. That is what help is - not "help me get my business off the ground".
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 02:24 PM
3

Christ dude.. can you give it a rest. You invade every other post soliciting people. It's disgusting.
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 02:21 PM
1

You didn't mention what the communication from your Ex is. Is she trying to communicate parental stuff, or just harassing you? You have children together so is it really a reasonable expectation to eliminate all contact with your ex? I'm about as low contact as I can get with my ex, however we still communicate a little regarding my kids. They aren't quite as old as yours, but I can't see going no-contact entirely. You could implement at Kid-ONLY communication agreement and use one of the apps t…
/r/Divorce_Men09/04/21 02:16 PM
1

You didn't indicate where you are from.. it varies by state. Discuss this with a lawyer! In MN, if you put 35k down on a house valued at 100k (35%), you'd be entitled to your 35K, along with the percentage of the increase in equity. So if your house sold for 200k, you'd get 70k. For the loan - that's community debt. You'd likely split it 50/50. I went through this same thing. My STBX put 15k into the first townhouse 30 years ago.. 4 homes later, she managed to grow that significantly. She also t…
/r/Divorce_Men08/04/21 09:26 PM
2

lol.. really? What lawyer is going to answer "well no, now that you mention it, I'm not really worth $325/hr. I'm more like $250, maybe $275 on a good day.. but here we are! I'm $325! Guy's gotta eat!" Actually, any lawyer that tells you how it's going to be would be suspect to me, after having gone through most of the process. There are SO MANY variables and unknowns that most often, I got answers about likely and probable, but very rarely concrete "this is how it will go".
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/21 02:18 PM
2

I wouldn't have a problem with a female attorney at all. I almost hired one but she was about 45mins away and she had only been practicing for about 5 years. It really depends on the individual, in my opinion. Interview several and see who you click with. Do they seem aloof and not really interested in your case? If that's the case, they will probably not give you much time during the process. Do they have morals that align with yours? The lawyer I hired is a family guy who believes in being hon…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/21 02:15 PM
3

This is my experience also. I was told by my lawyer that I COULD move out but that there were risks. Being judged for abandoning my kids was NOT one of them. His concern was that if I showed that I can afford to pay for my home and new residence, then it could impact what sort of alimony she would get. I did not move out and everything has been handled so far outside of court. Having said all that.. I would not move out if you aren’t in serious and literal danger. And of course hire a lawyer! Ev…
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/21 12:49 PM
1

You’re welcome! I hope it helps!
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/21 12:37 PM
1

That's not excessive. But you do need to look at the overall balance of things. Are you always working out during time that would be spent together? That can be frustrating for her.. do you work out every day and are sore so much that it's impacting your sex life? Doesn't sound like it. It's OK to say no. Yes, women HATE it, generally speaking. But it's still ok.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 06:22 PM
2

Jesus the Suede dude was pretty aggressive there. The better question is - how much are you working out? Is it hours and hours a day to the point that you're neglecting your wife for it? It's perfectly normal to not want to have sex, whether you don't feel like it, are tired, sore, or whatever. It's also OK to workout and be tired/sore afterwards, though you want to pay attention to it and not over do your workouts. You know better than anyone if you are spending too much time doing things that …
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 06:04 PM
2

Just no. All kind of No to this. Let me guess.. you spend time on TRP?
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 05:56 PM
1

So your marriage advice is for OP to act like her pursuing other women, thinking that it will cause her to “get her shit straight”? Then when he said ha.. just kidding! She goes back to being the same? Or he has to keep holding that over her head to force change?? That’s some horrifically bad advice. My advice to OP is stand up for yourself and demand a certain level of respect. Period. I’d tolerate about -.05 seconds of being called gay because I didn’t want to have sex.
/r/Divorce_Men23/03/21 02:48 PM
1

Many people don't discuss the mediation aspect of divorce. Most states will require mediation with a mediator prior to going to court. If you do get to court first, the judge will often send you to mediation. Mediation is where you present what YOU want from the settlement, and your STBX presents what they want. The mediator's job is to get an agreement between you two - ANY agreement. Let me make this super crystal clear - if you go to mediation, the mediator is NOT, I repeat NOT a neutral part…
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/21 04:59 PM
2

Like others have said.. parenting time is measured by overnights, not quality hours. I have NEVER seen it discussed in terms of quality time.
/r/Divorce_Men18/03/21 04:16 PM
2

Even if you are interested in these firms, it’s still a good idea to go and get some free consultations as well.. ask the questions you’re concerned about to each one and see how their answers are. Is your divorce looking ugly? If so, you may want the better lawyer. It’s all subjective though. I am not so sure the less expensive lawyers are any worse to be honest.
/r/Divorce_Men17/03/21 02:35 PM
2

Then you shouldn’t be providing your tax information. Best to run it past your lawyer though.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/21 07:22 PM
1

What is in your decree? Is there language that allows her to have your tax information yearly? If not, then don’t give it.
/r/Divorce_Men07/03/21 06:31 PM
2

You hit the nail on the head with “sometimes things just aren’t affordable”. You have a new reality now and she has to understand that it applies to both of you. 3500 a month for child care of any kind is INSANE. You need to put your foot down and give that a hard NO. Unless you’re making hundreds of thousands yearly, I can’t imagine any judge forcing that. Do you have a lawyer? Are you doing mediation or court?
/r/Divorce_Men19/01/21 01:31 AM
3

If she didn’t give you the half you were owed the first time around, I certainly wouldn’t give her half this time. Make sure you have it documented though.
/r/Divorce_Men04/01/21 07:56 PM
1

It sounds like you are in good hands. It also sounds like you have a pretty solid case going on. I’m no lawyer of course. Documenting emails and texts are great for showing her antics and disproving false claims
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/20 06:57 PM
1

I'm with your lawyer on this one. Leading up to getting the initial J&D signed and implemented, it's so scary and feels like anything can happen. Once it's in place though.. it's HARD to change things without reallllllly good reasons. You've got time on your side here - time with the established agreement. Has she complained and raised issues with your drinking or job in the past 3 years? I'm guessing not. If you can, document everything you can regarding her. Write down what you can remember ab…
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/20 06:24 PM
5

If you have a signed decree stating that you equally share both parenting time and legal custody, I don't think she can just say she wants sole legal custody without a VERY good reason. As you know, the system or process allows for adjustments to alimony or child support based on several factors, which may vary depending on location. Once the Judgement and Decree is signed, then it's very difficult to change - at least that's why my lawyer keeps telling me. Unless you've done something terrible …
/r/Divorce_Men28/12/20 03:51 PM
4

Depending on where you live, you may not really have a choice. Here in MN you can't just say "lets do court". The judge would first send you to mediation to try to come to an agreement. The last stop is the courtroom. Just remember with mediation - the mediator is NOT, I repeat NOT a neutral party. They don't try to come up with a balanced deal. Their job is to get an agreement - if they see one that both parties will agree to, regardless if it's lopsided or not, they will push it. Know what you…
/r/Divorce_Men22/12/20 10:05 PM
1

I HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend you be extremely careful while at home. I would seriously consider wearing a body camera or at least having a tape recorder handy - check your local laws though, to determine if it's legal or not. With you remaining in the house with her, it increases your risk of more DV charges - what's to stop her from smacking herself with something and calling the cops while you're at home? If she does, it's highly likely that the police will play it safe and arrest you - then she …
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/20 03:02 PM
2

If you can finance with ZERO costs and the difference in payment is big, then it may be worth it for you to re-finance. If there are costs involved with refinancing, you need to do the math to determine when you'll recover those costs and get ahead - usually it's several years after the refinance. However, if she wants the house and doesn't have the credit score or income, then you're going to end up selling the house - DO NOT let her stay in the house while you are on the title and mortgage. Th…
/r/Divorce_Men04/12/20 02:19 PM
2

With her past, I know I couldn't leave my kids in that situation. I'd have a hard enough time going 50/50 in the same city. There is NO WAY I could give up so much time and ability to respond by moving out of state. It would be one thing to make this career decision if she was not a train-wreck, but another thing entirely from what you've posted. You'd lose your ability to respond and help if it's needed. Have you talked to her about re-locating in the same city that you have the job offer? Why …
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/20 05:15 PM
12

She’s playing games. If I were you, I’d ask the teacher or whomever she communicated with and kept you in the dark.
/r/Divorce_Men11/11/20 01:24 AM
2

Why did you leave home? If you don't have a GOOD reason to leave the home (ask a lawyer), you're setting yourself up for potential issues.
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/20 06:09 PM
2

This right here - got my wife to start moving by offering her a few things with caveats: - I pay a higher portion of taxes for 2018 - I add items to the list of things I pay higher percentage on Caveat is that this offer is only good as long as we come to an agreement. If we end up in mediation (again) or court, my offer is retracted and I'll go after the full tax amount and minimum items I pay high percentage on.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/20 05:55 PM
1

Don't "stop contacting your lawyer" TELL your laywer to stop responding to her side - you won't pay for constant pinging. I did this with mine and have had ZERO bills for a few months while I try to figure it out with the STBX - without lawyers involved.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/20 05:53 PM
1

The fact that you've been on a consistent schedule for a YEAR and have not have any hiccups, it's definitely in your favor. To change what is working, the task would be on her to show how the kids need the change - does she have anything on you? If it truly has gone smoothly, then I'd say it will be very difficult for her to make changes to it.
/r/Divorce_Men29/10/20 05:43 PM
0

In the opening post he states that his wife is bi and he was ok with it. So, clearly she had female experiences that he knew about. Who knows how it happened. We don’t have enough information. They could have had threesomes every week. Or she had experiences before their relationship and she decided that she wants that.
/r/Divorce_Men23/10/20 01:24 AM
1

|And I understood that would automatically force me into agreeing CP to take on trips whenever CP wanted, ignoring my possession period I don't read it the same way as you do. Without seeing more of the decree, this section appears to deal with the mechanics of assisting with the travel, and not the approval. When I read this, I assume the approval is given - then the party who approved the other to take the children is ORDERED to help with the required documentation. When re-reading the words..…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 07:03 PM
0

Treating her as an equal doesn't mean to assume she cheated on him and that they can't end their marriage and continue to be friends. I find it not so humorous when people blow up and assuming that cheating MUST be involved.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 04:54 PM
1

Does your decree not include any wording that both parties must give consent to travel abroad? It should have. These paragraphs just seem to discuss the mechanics of traveling, not anything regarding permission. I can understand not agreeing with travel beyond the date that school starts up again - does the CP have plans in place for the kids to keep up with studies while gone? Are you not agreeing with CP traveling abroad with the kids at all, or just during the timeframe presented? Are you con…
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/20 03:40 PM
1

Another tact would be to get make-up time for what you missed while she has them on vacation. My decree is written is such a way that work trips/vacations where either of us need to give up time on our scheduled week, we can make up to maintain 50/50 parenting time.
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/20 04:03 PM
2

If she has a restraining order against her and she's violating that AND coming to your place and stealing things (yes, this is theft), what are you doing about it? Are you calling the police and filling complaints for theft and restraining order violations?
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/20 03:54 PM
2

If you are this dissatisfied with your lawyer - FIRE THEM. Get a new one.. there are a million out there!
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/20 03:52 PM
2

As others have said - get a lawyer to discuss this situation. From an outsiders point of view and going through the process myself (I'm in MN). Family history has ZERO impact on what a judge would decide. It's the behavior in YOUR situation that matters. Drug abuse - do you have documentation of this? Proof of some sort? If you can't show that she's abusing drugs, then you'll likely get nowhere with it. Infidelity 7 years ago? I doubt a court in the world would care. My STBX cheated to start thi…
/r/Divorce_Men21/10/20 03:49 PM
1

I think it's reasonable to have an agreement that your child can go on vacation/places with someone that is pre-approved, like the grandparents. Having said that, I do agree with her desire to have some control over who your child is going with, especially for days/week at a time. Roles reversed - do you want to be able to tell her NO your kid can't go to camp with her new husband's sketchy cousin?
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/20 07:50 PM
1

How old are the kids? I think age makes a big difference here.
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/20 04:21 PM
5

My STBX is very similar and it's SO frustrating! I can discuss and try to negotiate on items, but she will NOT put effort into thinking critically about anything and relies on others to do it for her. Regarding mediation - If you go, you need to know that the mediator you see is NOT a neutral party. They are there to settle the case. If they see a deal that both parties will agree to, they will go for it, regardless of how unbalanced or unfair it is. I learned this the hard way. If you go to med…
/r/Divorce_Men19/10/20 03:14 PM
1

I hope your situation worked out ok!
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/20 10:17 PM
1

LOL.. a Trans woman? OMG.. that's good. Regardless of my sexual orientation - the advice remains the same. Don't be a tool. You're advocating that ONE piece of advice fits all. It's simply not true. But then, maybe you've never been through a divorce and have had to make any of these decisions.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/20 09:20 PM
1

It's a shit situation no matter how you look at it. I walked that tight rope for over a year. It sucks wondering if your spouse could actually sink so low to trump up fake charges. This is why I say it's not a slam dunk that you MUST stay home. If you have a manipulative spouse that may pull tricks, then I'd say that's a reason to go.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/20 09:17 PM
4

One thing to keep in mind.. if you choose to stay in the home with her, it's best to NOT talk about divorce related items while in the home, especially alone. When I was still living at home, and we tried to negotiate on things, I absolutely refused to discuss at home. I required a meeting in a public place to protect myself. The last thing you need is her making up lies about you getting angry/violent towards her. I really avoided being anywhere alone with her.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/20 09:09 PM
0

lol.. what? You're going to warn me one time then... what? OMG, you'll report me because you reading skills aren't high enough to comprehend the message. |A delivered attempt to hurt men in the divorce process That's an interesting statement. I don't expect a reply, but I'd be curious to know what exactly I've said that constitutes an attempt to hurt anyone in the divorce process. Please explain. Not that I owe you an explanation, but I am a man going through the process myself. So, I'm speaking…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/20 09:05 PM
1

lol.. your new answer A) is much more reasonable and I completely agree with. Yes, this is definitely the internet. And just as A is a good answer due to low levels of reading comprehension, it makes your original response equally bad. Saying you "should" not leave the house because of X, Y, Z risks is very different than screaming in all CAPS saying "OMFG - if you do, they WILL take everything!". People come here in a panic for advice and seeing people scream such extreme ideas can be very harm…
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/20 06:32 PM
0

It IS misinformation to talk like leaving will automatically result in giving up to the home and custody. It's simply not true. Is it a good idea to leave? No. There are however, a lot of valid reasons someone may need/want to leave. I certainly wouldn't leave because the spouse said so. The correct advice is to tell people to tread carefully and consult a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/20 06:23 PM
-1

What is wrong is communicating the way you did - like it's a given that you're going to lose it all if you leave the home. This is simply not true, across the board like your post comes across as. Sure, in some places it's a risk. In many it's not so risky. In my situation, I was told it wouldn't be a problem if I chose to (I didn't leave), but the real risk was in showing that I can support 2 homes and the courts may impute more support on be because of it. Sure, some areas are still backwards …
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/20 05:02 PM
-2

Jesus Christ.. stop spreading misinformation like this! It's WRONG. Should you stay in the home if possible? Yes. Is it a death sentence if you leave? NO. The best advice is to talk to a lawyer about your specific situation and go from there.
/r/Divorce_Men14/10/20 04:41 PM
2

That's a good question. If you can give her half the shares, you may have to? It could be that you give her half of the current value at the time of splitting. That's best to discuss with a lawyer.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/20 11:40 PM
2

This isn't true everywhere. I was told by my lawyer that it's the time you first appear in front of the judge.
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/20 11:15 PM
0

49 here divorcing toxic wife of 25 years. She has MS and is high functioning (you'd never know if she didn't tell you she had it). She is an amazing victim.. through mediation, she painted a great song story about how hard her life is and the mediator ate it up.. he said I'd probably end up paying spousal maint permanently. Here in MN permanent can mean many things.. it would possibly stop when I retire and my income changes. The BIG risk is that if her MS advances, she could come back at me lat…
/r/Divorce_Men24/09/20 08:27 PM
1

I don't know what you have imagined.. but this isn't handled like a criminal trial.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/20 11:26 PM
1

Btw, in most locations it makes NO difference who files first.
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/20 07:00 PM
11

You have no reason to tell her the details. Stick to the basics.. you have a child and are divorced. Why raise red flags that aren't real? I guarantee that if you tell her about the false rape allegations, she'll see red flags flying. I wouldn't talk about the details until much farther down the relationship road.
/r/Divorce_Men07/09/20 10:27 PM
1

Where were you when I was headed into my first mediation session?? Lol. I quickly learned the same thing. There is nothing neutral about them. They are there to get a deal done and nothing more. I certainly could have made out better had I understood and didn't trust that it was to be a fair process.
/r/Divorce_Men12/08/20 07:54 PM
3

The number one thing I learned about mediators after 2 expensive sessions - THEY ARE NOT NEUTRAL. Mediators aren't there to be neutral, there are there to get agreements. If they can get you to agree on a lopsided deal, then they will go for it. The mediator that handled my case absolutely wasn't truly neutral and it's infuriating.
/r/Divorce_Men03/08/20 09:07 PM
1

Your message about hoping you can get her to agree to more than 70/30. I assume you mean parenting time. Are you not in a state where 50/50 is the norm? My divorce is in process also and in my state (MN) I was told it's pushed to have equal parenting time unless there is a very good reason for otherwise. Do you have a lawyer? She doesn't get to choose the parenting time percentage and you have to go along with it..
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/20 11:06 PM
1

I think you're missing the point of the Bill Burr quote referenced. It's bit about leaving your wife for some 10yr younger chick.
/r/Divorce_Men19/07/20 02:15 AM
2

The biggest thing I can tell you after having been through two mediation sessions is this.. the mediator is not your friend. The mediator is not a "neutral" party either. I dont care how much you've heard that. The mediator has one function.. to settle outside of court. If he/she can cook up a deal that one party will accept, they will try to get both parties on board to get it done. My mediator saw a deal and he hammered it home. It wasn't for aweful for me, but So know I could have done better…
/r/Divorce_Men07/06/20 11:57 PM
1

I didn't either.. and it's terrifying. If you have questions, feel free to DM me. I'm washing through this myself right now. It sucks.
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/20 06:17 PM
3

This is why you contact lawyers. Your entire post reads like you have zero idea what to really expect lots of assumptions here. What you need to do is call lawyers and set up free consultations. They will answer your questions so you can get a better feel for your circumstances in YOUR area. Your post is full of info from years and years ago. Nobody is just going to award the wife the house and you get told to pound sand. You will likely have to sell it and figure something else out. Today, most…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/20 05:52 PM
4

If all they have to work out still is alimony, he could likely wrap this up for a few thousand. Absolutely no reason to not protect himself here. As you said.. the cost is more than worth it.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/20 03:27 PM
9

Do NOT do this without your own attorney. At the very least, have one to review the paperwork. Her side could very well craft the dissolution document in such a way that is very unfavorable to you, and do it in such a way that you don't realize by using complicated legal jargon. Protect yourself and get an attorney. Regarding the annual gifts, set up a couple free consultations and ask. They will give you the answer for your location.
/r/Divorce_Men05/05/20 02:57 PM
1

My wife didn't do a damn thing until mediation, then agreed with whatever was suggested. It was maddening because alot of it was the same as what I wanted to begin with. She has a hard time thinking for herself so she needed someone else to suggest it Zi guess. Forcing her team to be prepared is the biggest thing I can recommend. If they don't produce the required documents, don't go. The night before mediation my wife was verifying with me that she could have 15k she put into the original house…
/r/Divorce_Men29/04/20 01:05 AM
2

My stbx and I had similar discussions about saving money and doing it ourselves. It was all a great idea until I didn't agree to everything she wanted. Then we had to get lawyers involved and it's costing me every month. If she has a job making 50k, she can live off that. My wife makes about 43k and is on her own. If your wife quits her job and claims that she doesn't make any money, it won't go well for her. If it goes to court, the judge would likely impute the same income on her. They see thi…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/20 09:59 PM
2

Um.. if she's dangerous to your kids.. why the fuck haven't you left with them and called the cops??
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/20 08:52 PM
1

The biggest thing that I realized through two $900hr mediation sessions is that the mediator is NOT partial. They aren't your friend and they aren't her friend.. think that makes them impartial? NO. The mediator will look at what can be agreed to, to get this done. They don't care if it's equal to you or her.. if you're willing to agree to it they will propose it. The mediator we had told me a deal my wife would likely go for - I needed to buy her out of spousal maintenance because of her health…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/20 08:49 PM
3

For all the money questions in the last paragraph, you need to make a spreadsheet. List assets versus debts - hers and yours. How much are the properties worth? The vehicles, the big ticket items? Put her stuff in her column and your stuff in yours. If the credit card debt was created during the marriage for shared things, it'll likely go as community debt and she's half responsible. Look at all the debts and assets, along with cash in accounts and you'll see if the deal you are proposing is rea…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/20 08:31 PM
2

When you are in a situation where your wife may be plotting to get you arrested and a restraining order, what your kids think at the time is not the most important. If she's verbal and physical with him, they likely know it already. As for the courts.. the idea that if he moves out for any reason he is fucked, is outdated. I've had this discussion with several lawyers. If you fear for your safety or you fear that your spouse will do devious shit, then absolutely protect yourself by moving out if…
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/20 04:51 AM
2

You aren't abandoning them if you leave the home in many situations, this one included.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/20 02:52 AM
2

Document it all man.
/r/Divorce_Men28/04/20 12:51 AM
2

You're welcome! I'm relieved you saw this message and didn't just take in the others and head home. There is SO much at stake here with your kids, you have to do EVERYTHING to protect yourself. Once this process started, my lawyer was very clear to NOT allow myself to be alone with her, especially when discussing divorce items. It's too easy to drum up fake charges against us that we can't disprove, or by the time we do, it's too late and we lost our chance at shared custody. Continue to do the …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 08:02 PM
2

I disagree with the advice given here so far. If you think she's capable of making false claims against you, I would NOT go back home. The stakes are too high - if you go back and she starts getting physical or verbal, it doesn't take anything for her to call the cops and get YOU thrown in jail. If YOU call the cops on her, she could still flip it on you and you end up getting thrown in jail. The system tends to arrest the guy first, then sort it out later, or never. As I picked a lawyer, I had …
/r/Divorce_Men27/04/20 07:30 PM
1

Not true. If there is an income discrepancy, he could very well be on the hook for spousal maint. It may not be forever, but for several years is a possibility.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 04:24 AM
2

Filing first makes NO difference.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 04:22 AM
1

If you're moving money, don't take more than half. If you do, it will look like you're being dishonest. You will likely not be able to just remove her from joint accounts either. Here in MN, you have to close the account. Just take half and move it to a new account. That's what I did.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 04:21 AM
1

If you are going to move money, don't move any more than half. That's what she would legally have a right to.. you can go after the half that she's putting away later. As part of the process, your lawyer will ask her lawyer to provide her pay slips to prove her wages. She won't be able to hide what she makes. She will also have to disclose bank accounts and amounts. If she gets caught hiding things.. it's BAD.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 04:18 AM
6

Document everything she's doing. Talk to your lawyer about how to protect yourself.. this is a question for real lawyers in your state/county, not Reddit. Document, document, document.. if this goes in front of a judge, it will likely not bode well for her to be playing games and bringing up false accusations. Most Judges see these things all the time and do not tolerate it.
/r/Divorce_Men22/04/20 04:15 AM
0

She'll get half. You don't get to reduce it unless she somehow agrees to it.
/r/Divorce_Men10/04/20 09:37 PM
1

Only you know what was in the divorce decree. Did you make sure language was added to terminate maintenance payments if she co-habitates with someone? Is your ex living with the guy? If you do have the right language in the decree and she is living with him, then you can likely have the payments changed. If you don't, you'll be stuck waiting for her to marry.
/r/Divorce_Men25/03/20 02:20 PM
0

You don't know that she will be in a higher tax bracket. Also, awarding maintenance and child support does NOT consider tax brackets. As far as I know (am in MN), everyone calculates using gross wages.
/r/Divorce_Men20/03/20 03:42 PM
2

or example: Single and bad childhood probably means not LTR material. It is completely unfair to judge someone based on their childhood. You need to evaluate who they became as a result of that upbringing. I had what some people would say is a bad childhood in terms of parental relationships. My parents divorced when I was an infant and my mother remarried 4 times. Every husband was an abuser except for my dad. So, I've seen a lot of shit. Some kids will grow up and be like the situation they gr…
/r/Divorce_Men13/02/20 05:28 PM
1

I'm also in MN, but just starting. If you are getting wishy washy answers from your lawyer, then contact a few others and set up consultations. If they give better answers and real advice, I'd consider switching. For me, if I set 50% and my wife ends up at 30% of that at the end of year one, I'd be going back at the end of year ONE and demanding change.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/20 11:05 PM
-1

Also my dad has started a YouTube channel and has a website. It's new and needs improvement but please show your support and share your story on his platforms!Lets make a difference. For you, my dad, and newer generations! Thanks everyone for making a difference :) UFUCT.org This is a bullshit add for the YouTube channel and website.
/r/Divorce_Men10/02/20 11:02 PM
2

You're absolutely right. The Mediator definitely saved us a ton of money in the end and going to court is VERY expensive I was told.. especially the cost to the lawyers. The most important point here is that using the Mediator kept things out of court. When mediating, I had the ability to agree or disagree with what he was going to offer my wife.. I had a choice about the outcome. If it were to go to court, I'm at the mercy of the Judge. As you pointed out, you never know what kind of Judge you'…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/20 08:16 PM
7

You've got it backwards with mediators. They don't try to push for courtroom battles.. the do whatever it takes to avoid them. That's their job. This means that they aren't necessarily going to be "fair" to both sides. The mediator will likely propose whatever will get it done. In my situation, the mediator told me what my wife would likely want in lump sum payment to avoid monthly support. HIS idea of what she'd want. He then went and talked to her and surprise.. that was exaclty right. Turns o…
/r/Divorce_Men07/02/20 04:25 PM
1

Where did you get that information? What state are you in? Most states advocate 50/50 custody and visitation. Unless you and your wife agree to something other than that, I'm sure that is where you will start. The days of dad getting every other weekend by default are over. I think you're suffering from misinformation and misguided fears. You need to talk to some lawyers and really understand your situation. You are giving up far far more than you should. It would help to change your thinking. T…
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/20 09:33 PM
1

What is "standard visitation"?
/r/Divorce_Men16/01/20 08:30 PM
1

Just be prepared for a fight. When we get into the divorce mode.. we often think of it as being something decided for us. In reality, most cases are handled through mediation. You may have certain demands (set kid schedule or $$), but be prepared to change them as part of the process. You really do NOT want it going to court. That's when it gets really expensive and you lose control of your outcome.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/20 09:12 PM
1

In my experience, the courts would try to encourage a schedule that is consistent for the kids. If you get all the way to court.. You may handle this all through mediation. I think a consistent schedule would still be encouraged I think.. but really, this is a question for the lawyer. You don't HAVE to work around her schedule. It's a negotiation.
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/20 09:06 PM
3

"we" don't hire a laywer. You hire YOUR lawyer. Sounds like you want to get her to seek counseling or figure out if this is the real end. Start by making some consultation appointments with lawyers in your area. Pick free ones if there are any and tell her you are doing so. Use this opportunity to get a feel for the lawyer and what steps you should be taking. Hopefully you telling her that you have appointments will get her to open up and talk. If not, then hire one of the lawyers and start the …
/r/Divorce_Men15/01/20 07:03 PM
2

You aren't going to keep the money you made. Anything you made during your marriage, she will be entitled to half. That's pretty much cast in stone. You're also entitled to half of what she made. For your 100k down payment, was it before you got married? Was it out of an account that she is NOT named on? Of that's the case, it's a premarital asset and you would get it back, in Minnesota anyways. My soon to be ex put 12k down on our original house before we were married. 3 houses later and down p…
/r/Divorce_Men10/01/20 10:12 PM
2

There isn't a correct number. You wait until it's a secure relationship and it'll last.. you want to show your kids stability, not have them meet someone new, then a breakup. Maybe it'll be 6 mos.. maybe 12 or 18.
/r/Divorce_Men19/11/19 05:14 PM
1

The best thing you can do is start journaling everything.. her actions and abuse, and if you have evidence, it will help a lot when it comes to custody. If you can show that she's abusive, disengaged and does not take care of the kids properly, you may be able to win full custody. At the same time make sure you record everything YOU do that's positive. Paint that picture of an engaged and active father. Who knows.. maybe she'll just walk away and give you full custody. Sounds like a best case sc…
/r/Divorce_Men13/11/19 01:59 PM
-1

You're talking about rights about the property as part of the settlement. They are married.. he can't kick her out, nor keep her from the house while they are married. That is completely different from how the assets will be divided during divorce proceedings.
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/19 02:47 AM
1

They are married. She has every right to move back in. What are you smoking?
/r/Divorce_Men01/11/19 12:01 AM
1

You can take money out of the account in small amounts and collect it over time. If it's not unusual to take $100 out for something.. do it. Anyone that looks at your finances will see it as normal. Also, if you pay with a debit card at stores like Walmart or Home Depot, you can request cash as part of the transaction. Don't drain the account. You are within your right to file for divorce and split the account, putting 50% in a new one. It's just protecting your assets. Contact a lawyer for guid…
/r/Divorce_Men30/10/19 05:08 PM
2

First, talk to a lawyer. Everyone's situation is different. If you're in an abusive situation or there are other significant issues where moving out is the best course of action, no court is going to punish you for it. In my current divorce, we discussed me moving out at length. I was told (state of MN) that moving out would NOT impact custody. The courts understand that living together during proceedings is often not good for anyone, especially the kids. What is a bit more sensitive to manage i…
/r/Divorce_Men24/10/19 12:54 PM
1

Taking up separate residence during divorce proceedings is not the suicide that so many over dramatize it to be. You do have to be smart about it though.
/r/Divorce_Men22/10/19 05:56 PM
3

Good! Get her for me!! 😋. I hope it works out for you
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/19 02:15 AM
2

Is it a fault state? MN is no fault so my wife fucking some dude over and over doesn't mean a damn thing here. So irritating!!
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/19 02:06 AM
4

All the better reason to pick a course of action and stick to it. Be reasonable and you'll be ok. She can't just "make sure to get full custody" without some shady behavior. At least in MN where I am, the courts want to see joint custody and equal parenting time. It has to be pretty bad for one parent to get full.
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/19 02:04 AM
9

I'm going through proceedings myself. I was told that filing first doesn't give anyone the upper hand, except maybe if you love in different counties and one is known to favor father's. As for going for full everything as a scare tactic, I'm not sire that's a good idea. If all you really want is joint custody then go for that. My wife said over and over that she wants joint, then filed for fill custody. She said it was a "negotiating point" to start from. I'll tell you.. the mediator was not imp…
/r/Divorce_Men08/10/19 01:57 AM
8

but it seems so much easier to start anew without the 3 young kids Fuck dude.. pull yourself together here. I understand how difficult things are for you right now, but think about your kids for a minute. They are seeing their mom go to hell and now you're thinking about literally ditching them because it's easy? Think about the hell you'll put them through and how it may affect them for the rest of their lives. You can and will get through this. Do you have friends or family in the area?
/r/Divorce_Men07/10/19 01:25 PM
3

The trouble is that unless you get a response from someone living in NY and in your county, it'll be tough to give you solid advice. The laws vary state to state. Even between counties the proceedings can be drastically different. You need a lawyer to navigate this unless she's willing to agree to things you want to do. You can't make her do anything. Maybe a judge can, but it'll be expensive to get there. She makes more than you do, and always has. That should.. SHOULD help you get more out of …
/r/Divorce_Men23/09/19 12:48 PM
1

From what I understand, the division of household goods isn't generally done in court. Not in MN anyway. If you can't decide on the division of the household goods, you would go to arbitration - which is expensive.
/r/Divorce_Men17/09/19 12:38 PM
2

Call several lawyers - set up free consultations and ask all your questions. If you're not required to pay support, they may tell you stop, so you can figure out what to do going forward. It looks like your'e getting steamrolled by her legal team. regarding your attempt at custody "Not what I wanted but I tried." what did you do to try? You seriously need legal representation here my friend. You can't let her lawyer bully you into ruining your financial life. Set up some free consultations to at…
/r/Divorce_Men16/09/19 02:58 PM
2

Do you not have a lawyer working for you? Nobody can answer these questions for you. Get a lawyer. Now.
/r/Divorce_Men15/09/19 06:29 PM
2

Definitely a lawyer question. If you have 100k in assets and she's entitled to half, you have to come up with 50k. That might mean cashing out 401k, selling assets, taking out a loan.. etc.
/r/Divorce_Men12/09/19 08:48 PM
1

UGH.. that is rough man! I'm in the process right now in MN. I'm terrified that I'll end up getting hosed too. You've got to find a path forward.. sell the house and downsize if necessary. going negative isn't sustainable. If selling the house isn't an option.. rent out a room or two? Don't pay the full child support payments? Take her back to court? If you can show that you can't afford to make payments, maybe they can adjust.. you may have to sell the house though.
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/19 02:40 PM
3

Did you have a terrible lawyer? How did you come away from the divorce going negative?? That doesn't make any sense to me. What state are you located in?
/r/Divorce_Men06/09/19 02:20 PM
1

Understood.. take a step back and think of how you'd answer a friend who was dealing with the same thing. You have a valid concern about the BF.. he has a record because of how he treats his kids and that potentially will impact yours. You have every right to bring that concern up in front of a judge. The word thing they'd say was.. it's not pertinent here. It's not like you are making stuff up here about the BF or situation.
/r/Divorce_Men25/08/19 12:12 AM
1

Dude.. these are your kids. Who gives a shit what you think you might look like. Your worrying how the courts will see you? The fact is you don't know.. lay out the facts you know and plead your case. Do everything you can so you don't have regrets later. Good luck!!!
/r/Divorce_Men24/08/19 11:26 PM
2

You can't set up an account in his name only, it would have to have you, an adult on it as well. He can open one on his own when he's 18. As far as "can I" in terms of the divorce - I don't see why you couldn't. Might be a good idea to let the ex know that you're doing it as a way to teach about finances. Maybe she'll help with the teaching. Additionally, HS is a great time to add him as an Authorized user to one of your credit cards, to kick start his credit. At 18, provided he can handle the r…
/r/Divorce_Men16/08/19 05:31 PM
1

Something like this should be discussed with your lawyer. If she's your ex-wife, why does she have access to your HSA? Or is the divorce in process? If you're in the process, you bring this up and look at what she spent the money on. If it's for legitimate things, there isn't a lot you can do. My STBX went on a health care binge.. got new glasses for $600, went to the dentist and got a ton of expensive work done and hit the doctor for a few things too - nothing I can do about any of it because i…
/r/Divorce_Men14/08/19 12:22 PM
9

Where did you get the idea that you can't remove her from your health coverage? You not only can, when the divorce is finalized, you have to. She'll no longer be a family member and becomes ineligible for your insurance coverage. At least in MN and most states I assume.
/r/Divorce_Men22/07/19 12:30 PM
1

Relax and take a deep breath. First of all, he can't choose her. Not legally. No judge in the US is going to let an 11 year old choose who he gets to live with. Not even a 14yr old, which I have (similar situation). If you both agree that you are the best parent for your son, you can both have that written into the divorce decree and made part of the agreement (if you end up having to divorce). There is nothing your son can do about that.. not even if he wanted to. But, it sounds like you have a…
/r/Divorce_Men16/07/19 04:49 PM
1

That's a good point.. go ahead and give it a go!
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/19 09:45 PM
2

You'll be granted an honorary penis temporarily, but don't play with it all day!😋 You're absolutely welcome to post here!
/r/Divorce_Men15/07/19 02:26 PM
2

This is actually horrid advice. Unless you plot these things years I'm advance, a court would see right through it and award the ex accordingly. If you go on a 20k bender, gambling, hookers and blow, you will be giving her 20k to compensate. If you've established a good working history and suddenly work at home Depot, good luck getting a judge to go along with that, even of you claim depression. OPs best action is to quit working overtime and explain during mediation that it was to pay off debt.…
/r/Divorce_Men11/07/19 07:16 PM
3

Not nearly enough information here to really help. Age is rarely the limiting factor for finding SOME kind of work. It could be hard to find job in a career based field if past the retirement age already, but this person should be able to find some work. Not enough information to go on here. |He has 500k put away. Dependin on how it's "put away", it could be considered martial assets, especially if this money was accumulated during the marriage, or in a martial account. Depending on location, if…
/r/Divorce_Men06/05/19 12:09 PM
1

Seriously, go talk to a lawyer. Your attitude that all lawyers are scum is just flat out wrong. I have the same concerns that you do as I navigate a divorce myself - 24 years and she cheated. Fun fun. I'm looking for a lawyer too and I am fearful that I will get a bad one of course. I know As need one though and it just makes NO sense to do something crazy like leave the country when someone that knows the law could tell you what would likely happen. To be sure that you get reliable information,…
/r/Divorce_Men24/04/19 01:01 PM
2

The thing is.. she's getting you to lose your shit, which can be viewed as validating this erroneous claims. You've got to learn to control yourself around her. Think big picture. I know it's hard.. I'm currently watching my wife sneak to her boyfriend's 3-4 days a week and think she's being so sly.. lying to my kids and being a total bitch. I am documenting what she is doing and I will spring it on her when it is the right time. Control is key!
/r/Divorce_Men19/04/19 04:17 AM
1

I'm not in a terribly different situation, except 24yrs in and at 47. Right now your "cost" is 200k.. carry on another 5 or 10 years, and it will become higher and higher. You'll feel really bad if you wait another 10 years and can't take it anymore and it costs you 500k! You'll regret like hell that you didn't do it now and spend those 10 years saving for YOURSELF. Also, you could very well find yourself someone who would like a "non ladies man" just like you - and someone who has a career and …
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/19 02:11 PM
2

That's insane!! What is the ratio of time with each? Ages of the kids? I'm just starting to go through a divorce now and my wife had preliminary calculations done for my only under 18 kid - 14yr old son. It came in at around $250/mo. I thought this was crazy low! At the time of the preliminary calc, I was at 90k, I'm at 110 now, so I don't know how that will impact things.
/r/Divorce_Men29/03/19 01:06 PM
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