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ThrowRA745318 Archive

View 8 posts and 145 comments by ThrowRA745318 on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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25

Men who treat their pets as entertainment. If they are willing to make their pet uncomfortable or upset for their own amusement - they will, in my experience, be fine with doing the same to you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 09:59 AM
23

Needing constant validation. In my experience, the guy who constantly demands your praise/validation/approval for everything: rarely deserves it and is just putting you on the spot and guilting you into giving it doesn't actually care about your happiness, just wants their ego stroked needs you to vocalise your approval because they can't be bothered or aren't able to tell when you actually enjoy/like something will use it later to excuse bad behaviour (well, when I asked, you said you liked x, …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 09:57 AM
8

This has been my experience, for sure. In every relationship I've left, I've spent a long time working out whether that's what I want. There's a period of introspection and weighing up whether there's any solution to whatever the issues are. Plus, my emotional connection to that person takes longer to fade - so even once I break things off, I know I need that immediate space and time to process - - but I've never wanted to go back to an ex. Once I've got past that sorting through my feelings, ev…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 08:59 AM
19

Plus the ones who ask if you finished after they're done. Like...if you have to ask...I think that's your answer, isn't it?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 08:41 AM
33

This. I've been in a relationship with a guy who "joked" about my hair, my clothes, my voice, the way I ate, how I laughed, etc. And while he claimed it wasn't intended to be malicious or nasty (and had the audacity when I said I wanted him to stop to say it was a sign of affection), but when someone you love makes fun of the way you look for the 2nd, 5th, 50th time in a row, it wears you down and starts chipping away at your self-esteem because of course it does. It would have done the same to …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/11/20 08:37 AM
8

I finally broke this pattern by writing myself a letter, like I was giving a friend advice (and I kept it pinned to my desk for a bit so I could read it when I was having doubts) I knew that I 100% would have advised any friend to leave a relationship with a guy who clearly didn't give a shit about her and upset her so often, so why was I okay with it for me?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/11/20 09:17 AM
3

It is never, ever too late to have learned an important lesson (I was pretty sure I'd learned this one, and then went and did it all over again). It hurts realising that you care more than someone else and it's tough having to acknowledge that, especially over and over again - - but you deserve someone who treats you like the amazing, beautiful person you are, every single day.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/11/20 09:13 AM
8

This is the lesson past me has had to learn over and over again. If I ever find myself talking to a friend about how to interpret his actions/words, or deliberating over whether to send him another message when he's not replying - - I should have been out the door already. Don't respond to someone not meeting the bar by bringing it down to them...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/11/20 09:07 AM
56

Nah. Don't waste your time with this. I've dated this guy too and it was humiliating. There's only one reason to pretend not to have a girlfriend on your social media... Also, don't settle for being with someone who isn't proud of you. You are amazing, and anyone you are with should make you feel more so. My current partner lights up when I walk in the room. He gushes to his friends and family about me and he is vocally proud of my talents and achievements - - and that is what I want in a partne…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:49 AM
108

And this is why I consider "is genuinely proud of your achievements" to be on the vetting ticklist. Men who take no interest in what I do are bad enough, men who get bitter and competitive about me succeeding can go straight in the trash where they belong.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/20 07:34 AM
22

I experienced exactly this. A guy who told me he saw a future with me, who hinted at marriage and kids with me, who would send me houses that he could see us living together in and talk about decorating plans and future pets. He'd plan big once in a lifetime trips to other countries that he wanted to take me on and he talked about me as "the first person he'd met who he could see himself really settling down with" because of how happy I made him. All that while he wanted to keep me secret, refus…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/20 02:25 PM
36

Mine too and hard same. He kept me on the hook for months after breaking up, saying that he didn't want a relationship...but he still wanted to see me, and go out places and take me to dinner and be physically intimate...and then got really angry with me for wanting to "ruin everything" when I got upset by this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/20 10:57 PM
18

Same. Drove me mad. He used to comment on the attractiveness level of my female friends too (usually in a "it's okay, I don't find x hot because..." as if that was supposed to be comforting?) And if I ever made any comment on another girl's cute shoes/outfit, he'd ask if I was "checking her out". Like, again, no dude - I get that you can't look at a woman without assessing her as a sexual object but stop projecting your creepiness onto me...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/11/20 10:26 AM
55

My ex used to say it was alright for him to comment on women he found attractive, because I did too, like he expected me to join in with ogling other women with him. Ugh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/11/20 02:18 AM
17

I've found that men always get weirdly super-obsessed about how they compare to anything you've had before though, whether it's a person or a toy! Which frankly, says a whole lot about what they consider important in sex.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/20 08:46 AM
10

This is absolutely nail on the head why I find them so creepy
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/20 08:41 AM
8

I had an ex like this too. Got super offended (but also, still didn't want to put any effort into more than five minutes of foreplay!)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/20 08:39 AM
9

Ohhh, no. I was super impressed when I met him that my narc ex lived in a beautiful house, full of art and lovely decoration... ...that I later found out his long string of exes had picked out/done for him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/20 10:27 PM
63

100% If I've said "x is important to me", it should not be necessary to literally beg for the thing I have clearly stated is important. It's demeaning and demoralising to have to ask someone to care about you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/20 10:24 PM
13

At the time, it was, but looking back, that clarity was the best gift he ever gave me! Happy to say that the guy I'm seeing now is so far the polar opposite!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/11/20 03:17 PM
39

I really really felt this one. I've put so so so so many hours in the past into making amazing, creative gifts for guys I thought I was in love with who barely even thanked me. Was actually the breaking point of my relationship with my narcissist ex. Planned a date for his birthday that included seeing his favourite classic film, made him his favourite meal & dessert from scratch, got hold of a bottle of the cologne he loved that was out of production, booked a table at a cocktail bar he'd alway…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/11/20 01:52 PM
14

Yes! Was going to say she sounds adorable! I'm glad she dumped him!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/20 11:54 AM
4

Oh yes. Absolutely. I have high empathy and know I'm good at reading people and my nex made me doubt myself constantly and make me think I worried about everything, that I couldn't take a joke, that I was oversensitive, etc etc. Nope. He was just an asshole who insulted, belittled and gaslit me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/20 06:27 PM
11

God, this. I'm so sorry this happened to you. Narcs are such awful trash people. I remember having a really weird moment with mine where emotionally, I was still very tangled up in his bs - but all my physical interest had evaporated.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/20 10:52 AM
10

Yes!! So much! The narc I dated last was the most physically attractive guy I've ever been with. Took care of himself, worked out, dressed well. And in the lovebombing stages of our relationship, things were amazing. Couldn't have been more attracted to him. And then we got to the discarding/no effort stages, and every time he hoovered, I wanted him less and less. His behaviour just eroded that attraction super fast. I think for me, it's that I don't want the physical without the emotional. Does…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/20 10:46 AM
44

Hm. So, I think that there is not a default "type" of HVM as it's about personality and values, not interests. But - saying that - I do think that certain careers/industries have a higher appeal to certain personality types. A bit like law enforcement attracts a higher percentage of controlling personalities, I suspect you're hitting that same wall in your creative field.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/20 04:02 PM
24

Had to cut off a guy who I've been on a few super cute dates with but who it's become clear isn't in a healthy place to have a relationship so I called things off Bit exhausted by it tbh, and thinking I'm just going to take a long break from any dating at all.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/20 02:07 PM
31

So, I think the right question to that is why? Yes, that's his self-care in his opinion, but to me, it's a huge red flag that at the point in their relationship where they're about to have children together, he can't voice his feelings to his partner and deal with them together. I get needing space and there's nothing wrong with it, but it's easy to take some time for yourself without disappearing completely. I've dated this guy. When he had deadlines at work, he wanted space. When he had a toug…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/20 07:48 AM
18

So, self care and realising that you need it is a positive. But if your self care involves getting as far away from your partner as possible - then maybe that's a bigger issue? I had an ex like this who wanted alone time whenever anything stressful happened and I ended breaking up with him when we started looking at houses together. Because he'd have been this guy. If you can't rely on your partner when things are hard, because they've fucked off to a cabin/their mom's/the bar/whatever then you'…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/20 07:37 AM
14

100% Dated the Needy Guy, who was also a narc. He didn't actually care about the women he dated, he cared about being wanted. His ex was still on the hook, he had a roster of women he'd call for chats - usually while driving when he was bored and looking for something to do. Could never do anything on his own and so was a massive workaholic when single so he didn't have to spend time in his own company. After we'd broken up, not particularly amiably, he called me up because he wanted to go out t…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/10/20 09:06 AM
17

This feels uncomfortably familiar, as someone who has dated a guy constantly triangulating me with his "crazy, BPD" ex. I got a lot of compliments that were couched in "you're nothing like her". He too did the "I don't want her to find out so it doesn't upset her" except for me - it lasted for months. Almost a year of dating him, and nobody ever knew I existed. Her stuff was still in his house, like her shoes were still at the door. I got pulled in with the stories about how his ex had emotional…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/10/20 08:56 AM
4

Yeah, I know it's hard to give up on when things are at this level and they're nice but not going anywhere. The thing is, this level of enthusiasm and energy isn't likely to go up... This is him in the getting to know each other stage when he is supposed to be at his best, when he's trying to be interesting and attentive and funny. Don't settle for someone who isn't enthusiastic about you, it's soul-destroying in the long term. They can be perfectly nice and fun to spend time with, but if you're…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/10/20 11:23 PM
2

So, just a quick comment to say there are a load of online book clubs still happening - I'm sure you could find one you're interested in! :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/10/20 05:13 PM
4

I don't think it's about being perfect at all. It's about being comfortable and compatible and caring about one another. I've never been in a relationship where there haven't been disagreements - but in the good ones, we'd resolve those without animosity or spite. They were a part of our relationship as much as sharing nice things. With unhealthy relationships, I've felt like I'm always hitting snags. Like if I say something the wrong way, it'll cause a problem. Like any long silence is somethin…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/10/20 05:08 PM
3

Fwiw, I think this is absolutely the right call. Flirting back and forth is fun and all, but if it isn't going anywhere, why would you want someone who keeps you on hold? When I meet someone I really like, I spend time vetting, but I also know pretty quickly if I want to give it a chance or not. If you've been chatting a while - he knows at this point. Maybe he's scared or maybe he doesn't want to - - but that doesn't actually matter. What matters is not showing him clearly that you are happy to…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/10/20 05:02 PM
6

Ugh, this. Just a total failure to comprehend that if they're only being nice because they hope it leads to sex...that isn't being nice.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/10/20 04:53 PM
16

I think what stops me from doing this is honestly confronting myself with the question "What are you hoping for?" Because, in whatever guise - the answer is invariably "for him to be a different person than I know he is" Just save yourself the effort and upset and don't keep doing experiments to prove something you already know for sure.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/10/20 11:25 AM
16

This has 100% been my experience. The guy who was actually honest and straightforward didn't need to point it out constantly. The guy who gaslit me and cheated made a huge deal of "never lying" and had a whole lot of rules like "I only ask something three times" that were all designed to let him wash his hands of responsibility at any given time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/10/20 10:00 AM
35

For me, it was passionate, really hot, emotional sex where he was attentive and made me feel like the most attractive woman he'd ever met and like he couldn't wait to get me into the bedroom. Aaaaand then the moment he'd finished, he immediately got up and went to watch TV. Just that total disconnect of me not being a person of any worth to him any more, as soon as he was done with sex. Better still, he asked me later to tell him how good he was, and obsessed over being the best I'd ever had. It…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/10/20 07:23 AM
11

I've learned this bit by bit by experience, honestly. Ended up in a back and forth with the guy I was dating where he'd do something to upset me, I'd voice how I felt and he'd go distant and cold until I apologised and then ended up chasing and putting in effort to make things okay again. Always the same little cycle, and always prompted by him doing something to upset me. At some point, I guess it just clicked. There I was, sat agonising over whether to call him and make nice while he was leavi…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/20 05:12 PM
20

Sadly, I think we just all dated men from the same trash pile. I've also experienced this - with guys who just point blank refuse to talk about things. I used to ask my ex if he wanted to talk about whatever issue I'd brought up or was upset about so we could find a resolution and he'd just say "nah, I don't think there's any point rehashing it". He once, in response to me saying "I need to talk about this because it has really upset me" said "I think we've exhausted the topic already". That was…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/20 04:59 PM
7

Also, the "unless you want to" is a tactic my ex used all the time - basically trying to get you to agree to put in the extra effort/time, without actually asking for it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/20 08:21 AM
158

This. Past me sent so so so many explanations to men about how I felt and why I was upset and what they could do to fix it - and then when nothing changed, I carried on explaining. My ability to communicate those things was never the problem. I was just telling them to someone who didn't give a shit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/10/20 08:12 AM
32

Yes! This. This is something I try and repeat to myself if I'm ever finding myself reluctant to express what I want. If telling a man what I need/want/feel is going to make him leave - then good riddance.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/10/20 09:42 PM
7

This made me properly cackle.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/10/20 08:29 PM
3

FDS really has given me zero tolerance for negging. Cute guy I know from my gym class has been being flirty for a while. Yesterday - first thing that comes out of his mouth when he sees me is to criticise what I'm wearing, aaaand there goes any possible attraction.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/10/20 11:54 AM
45

Ahhh, the familiar "I can't voice an opinion or feeling of my own without being ready to furiously back pedal, please just tell me what to say that will work!" .
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/10/20 08:27 AM
23

This. I think it becomes really obvious when you hear them talk about women in their life, particularly exes and it's always about what she does for him, rather than what she is like.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/10/20 10:25 AM
2

I'm sorry you went through this too. It really is horrible and it just wears you down.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/10/20 08:29 AM
19

In a "really setting a new low bar", I just had a guy try and get me to rearrange my plans to suit him. It's my birthday. And he wanted me to push back my plans by an hour so he could drop by and give me a gift...because that's when he's going to be driving by mine so it works for him. Just...wow.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/20 01:16 PM
9

I know this is mostly about dating and meeting someone new - but I think this is key for any relationship. Whether it's completely new or 15 years in with kids and a house. Knowing you'll be okay if you leave is really, really powerful. Sometimes it'll be complicated or upsetting or hard to do, sometimes you'll need help to take that first step or every step, but nobody should be made to feel like they HAVE to stay in a situation that's making them unhappy, or hurting them. There's always a path…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/20 11:04 AM
96

I don't know about any of you but I have never, ever had any man who needed therapy actually go and get it, even those who admitted they should.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/20 10:58 AM
22

I feel like this is a favour in disguise - they're clearly showing you that they add literally nothing to your life to the point that nothing would be different if they weren't there!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/20 10:56 AM
74

The "but I still want to see you" happened to me too and I've never gone faster from thinking I loved someone to despising them. It's just "I want all the benefits of a relationship but don't want any commitment".
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/20 10:46 AM
16

I mean, imo, it's just not a question anyone should ask. I don't need to ask a man to rate me against anyone for validation, especially his exes. And especially just after sex, which should be about us and our relationship with each other, not anyone else.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/20 07:27 AM
24

This. I don't know why so few men seem to get that good sex includes what's immediately before and after it too! I've had amazing, passionate sex that was utterly ruined by him just getting up immediately after he was done to go watch TV...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/20 07:22 AM
20

I've literally had men ask me that repeatedly after sex. It's so tiring to deal with.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/20 07:06 AM
17

So, putting aside your suggestions - imo any partner who gets upset at you for you not being able to orgasm is being hugely selfish. I get wanting to please your partner but it's shitty to feel like a physiological thing you have no control over is disappointing them. I think just going down the route of honesty is better. You shouldn't have to pretend just to save some egos. Be clear with what you enjoy and don't, because frankly - that's the goal - that you enjoy it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/20 12:07 AM
16

I missed it way more when I was in a relationship having emotionally detached, unsatisfying sex than now I'm single. At least now I don't have to put up with someone asking me repeatedly if I came and then telling me how amazing they are until I agree.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/10/20 11:55 PM
13

Ugh. What an asshole. Mine claimed that his "teasing" was a sign of affection and that him being able to joke around with me was proof he cared about me. 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/10/20 03:24 PM
12

As someone who has recently split from a gaslighting, manipulative cop - yeah. 100% agree that some professions are a real draw to certain personality types. Turns out there was a whole lot of mileage for him in "I have a really difficult job where I have to be away a lot, and keep what I'm doing confidential and have to deal with a lot of emotionally hard things". By which he meant, "this excuse works brilliantly for juggling multiple women", "I will use details of my job to make you feel guilt…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/10/20 03:17 PM
16

Yep. One of the first massive red flags in a former relationship was being in the car while my ex lied to his mom on the phone. It wasn't over anything major, but it was completely effortless for him. No change in his voice, no need to think about it, just seamlessly carried on the conversation.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/10/20 03:04 PM
21

My experiences echo this. Dated both a military guy and a cop, and both had super low bars of what was okay in a relationship. The cop would use the excuse that his day job involved dealing with secrets and lots of awful things and that it had changed his emotional resilience. Which was true, but also meant that he justified cheating and being emotionally abusive with "well I'm better than the people I have to deal with". He once got really aggressively upset with me because I said he was gaslig…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/10/20 02:59 PM
22

100% This is one of the things that keeps me from feeling any sadness about my ex. He was just constantly casually insulting in the guise of "oh, it's just my sense of humour", but really it was just that it was more important to him to be able to say cruel things than it was to not upset me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/10/20 02:55 PM
23

If you are having long conversations with your friends trying to work out why he's doing whatever has upset you or why he isn't texting you back or why he hasn't proposed yet...just do yourself a favour and leave. If you are having to constantly analyse whether your partner cares about you or not - they don't. Trustworthy people aren't afraid of questions. If he reacts defensively or evasively over being asked who was on the phone or whether he's free Saturday night - there's probably a reason. …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/10/20 02:52 PM
17

Same and good for you! It's so disappointing realising that a man who is otherwise your type is just a trash fire. Guy I walked away from hasn't got the message yet and is still making half-hearted attempts to keep me around. Hasn't figured out yet that he's not only burnt that bridge but the ashes are halfway down the river!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/10/20 02:33 PM
11

Yep. Guy I know saw I'd had a shit day so he tried to call and cheer me up...by telling me all about how difficult his current work project was? 🤷‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/10/20 10:32 AM
7

Having done it twice and had both times be miserable - - just don't move any distance for any man who isn't willing to move for you. Pre-FDS, I first moved for a guy after 2 years of LDR. There were plenty of red flags - he hated visiting me. He'd complain about having to travel, he would constantly find reasons for me to come to him instead. When it came to moving closer - there were no questions that I'd move to him. He owned his place, I was renting. His job was (of course) more important tha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/10/20 09:51 AM
17

This! It's such a realisation when it hits you that you were/would be having a great day if it wasn't for them!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/20 10:12 PM
32

Yup. My ex called me "difficult" for wanting basic respect and asking that he didn't continuously put me down and neg me. Never his fault. Always me being too sensitive about something that "other girlfriends" had never had a problem with. He'd always say "do you really think I'm being serious" as if I was somehow stupid by being hurt by a man I was dating insulting me under the guise of "just a joke".
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/20 10:10 PM
7

Yup. And they're always surprised. Like the guy who my friends kept telling me awful things about who told me they weren't true and I could trust him. He summarised it very well when he said "well all I can do is tell you it isn't true and rely on you trusting me". Yes, correct, I don't.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/20 02:46 PM
22

This. If he can "fall out of love" on the basis of you cutting your hair, it's not you he's in love with. Also, got to be honest, I am hugely doubtful about her never having mentioned it to him. Like, I've had drastic hair cuts in the past, but I guarantee I'd spent time leading up to that wondering out loud about changing things up or complimenting women with the style I ended up going for.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/20 02:30 PM
49

That reads to me like "tell me what your ideal first date is so I don't have to put in any effort"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/20 02:22 PM
10

I have a phobia of medical procedures and places, have always practiced safe sex and absolutely fucking hate medical tests and STILL have got tested at the start of every new LTR for peace of mind. I am honestly extremely suspicious of anyone who refuses.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 10:00 PM
12

The abuse I suffered was emotional rather than physical, having dated a narcissist. He would be incredibly loving and affectionate and attentive in the lovebombing stages, and then like a switch being flicked - he'd be cold and distant. He'd snipe at my insecurities, use things he knew upset me against me and devalue any achievements (I remember him saying, about me having lost 10kg, that I'd done really well in managing to /almost/ get rid of all the excess weight on my thighs). He'd use other …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 09:38 PM
11

This, 100%. If they haven't made an effort to change while alone and be done with it before meeting you, doing so because you've "convinced" them is a HUGE red flag. I do think a HVM can have been LV at some point in his life if he's confronted and changed those behaviours of his own accord - but you want to meet him at the end of that road, not the beginning.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 09:10 PM
20

Oh, 100%. Especially for narcissistic, abusive relationships. It's so hard to see how awful those people are for you until you spend some time without them and suddenly, you feel like someone has untied the anchor from your feet and you can come up for air.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 08:29 PM
14

Ugh. This brings back memories. Ex used to constantly point out that he was doing something I'd asked him to, like a small child trying to get a pat on the head. It was just exhausting. Like, sure, yes, you have made an effort to clean the apartment - but saying "look, I did this thing you asked, that has to count for something, right? I get points for this, right?" was just so tiring to put up with constantly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 11:26 AM
3

Mine used to do this too. Often heard I deserved better, that he was a shitty person, that everything he did was wrong, etc. He used to use tiny examples to try and prove he'd made an effort, but it only made things worse. Like, yeah, sure, you stopped commenting on other women, but that doesn't somehow make it okay that you cheated...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 10:16 AM
20

Yeah, I have one of these in my social circle who tries to hoover up all the women he can into his fan club. His ex-girlfriend still comments on every single thing he posts, despite the fact he never even respected her enough in a three year relationship to change his relationship status or post a single photo of the two of them together.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 09:55 AM
10

I mean, firstly - the joy of being very connected via the Internet/phone/video means it's easy to have quality friendships at a distance. One of my best friends has moved the other side of the world from me, but we still have a video call a couple of times a week. We chat about our lives and passions and issues and yeah, it sucks that she's not close enough to get coffee with - but we massively value our friendship regardless. As for meeting new people - yeah, that is tough right now. I'm in the…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 09:41 AM
6

Hey! I'm in this exact same boat. Moved during the pandemic, and haven't had the chance to find local stuff/meet people and it is isolating and weird. I've been looking for stuff I want to join when restrictions are lifted. I've done a few online book clubs and meetups. But mostly, I'm using this time to focus on me and what I enjoy - because if I don't enjoy stuff alone, other people aren't going to fix that. Just like a romantic relationship, I want to make friends with people who I actually s…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/20 09:29 AM
30

Such a good article, and as someone who has come out of an abusive relationship, this line hits especially hard: "Your job isn’t to become someone whom they treat well. Your job is to assess whether the way they treat you is good enough to keep them in your life."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 12:27 PM
104

Ugh, this. It normalises both sides - it reinforces the idea that getting a girl's attention is the important thing, not respecting her boundaries. And it normalises young girls seeing any male attention as a positive, even when it's hurtful or cruel.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 12:22 PM
32

So, I think it's possible to have learned your lessons and be strong willed about them but also be disappointed/upset. We can simultaneously see that a guy is trash and not worth our time, while also wishing that hadn't been the case. The important part is taking those lessons and applying them. I've literally just had the same thing happen with a guy I was getting along really well with and having a nice back and forth flirty chat, and then after saying how much he loved talking to me and showe…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 12:18 PM
2

I'm glad it helped! And there is nothing more disappointing than someone telling you "sorry, you're right, I'll be better" only once there's a consequence and so showing you that they could have been doing so all along.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 07:45 AM
4

100%. He was a textbook narcissist, once I stepped back and realised what he was doing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 07:43 AM
2

Honestly, a while in - maybe a few months. Looking back, there were definitely other flags I ignored up to that point though. And yes, 100% he is a love-bombing narcissist, and I've since found out this is a pattern of behaviour with other women too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/20 07:39 AM
50

Yeah. This. I spent such a long time thinking about what I did wrong. And it always came back to "if he'd wanted to, he would". I gave him the step by step IKEA diagrams guide of what he needed to do at every single stage. I removed requirements and lowered expectations until it was a single page and it was still too much. It is just so fucking painful having someone tell you how important you are to them while they continously prove that's not true.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/20 01:51 PM
62

100%. If they cannot see there's a reason to change beyond "because you said I had to", then it's not any change they're actually going to make.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/20 01:25 PM
51

Thiiiis. It's so easy to fall into the trap of blaming yourself for not being the right person, or not being worth it or whatever you did wrong or whatever else you end up using as the excuse for someone else's poor behaviour. It's like when children fight and their reason for having hit someone is "she said something mean", conveniently missing out "so I chose to hit her". People are responsible for their own actions. You don't get to blame anyone else.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/20 11:40 AM
14

Was having a really nice back and forth conversation with a guy over the past week & weekend and then yesterday he just didn't bother replying to me at all. Just nothing for 24hrs, and I know he's been online in that time. Not going to chase him or re-initiate, but still just a bit disappointed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/20 07:43 AM
164

100% this. I remember having a conversation with a guy lamenting his relationships going wrong - after he'd failed to commit, or just worn them down with insults under the guise of "just joking around" and he said "I just want to find someone who actually properly understands me" and...like, the whole problem is that these women DO understand you...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/20 07:14 AM
10

Ugh, this. I don't get in this situation how you can just carry on happily spending time with someone, pretending you don't know. Everyone does the "oh, well it's not my place to say" dance but if you're sitting listening to a friend gush about how much she loves someone and how great he is while you know he's cheating - - imo, you're part of the lie.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/10/20 08:40 AM
15

Yeah, it's funny how these men suddenly aren't busy as soon as something is wrong...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 08:38 PM
12

Yes. I am hugely busy with a job that doesn't really let up, but if I really like someone, I'll text them while I'm on coffee breaks rather than chatting with colleagues or catching up on emails or whatever else I'd otherwise do with that time. Even if my day is crazy, I'll make time for a call before bed. When I have a free moment in my day or time in my calendar or an unexpected free weekend - I'll want to use it to spend time with them! I'll rearrange other stuff to make time, because they ar…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 08:37 PM
127

So much this. I dated a guy for nearly 5 years who made just under six figures - and he never once brought up money. Paying for dates and gifts was never a concern because comparative to his income, it was a drop in the ocean. In my experience, it is only the guys who are in debt, or who burn through their paycheck as soon as it lands who are constantly on about how much things cost. Last guy I dated - I made nearly 20k more than him, and he still had the audacity to go on a rant about how he wa…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 08:29 PM
115

That I could come over and cook for him. He'd even tidy up his place before I got there. Lucky me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 10:14 AM
94

Absolutely this guy. I also find they, ironically, are always super sensitive. Literally just had a guy comment on a photo of healthy meals I've made (as I'm trying to lose weight) as being "miserable". All I said in return was "I don't really see it that way" and he immediately jumped to "Jesus, I was only joking, why are you so sensitive."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 10:11 AM
9

Ah, yes, this is the guy who will say "jfc I was only joking, you're so sensitive" to even the slightest hint of disagreement.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/10/20 10:04 AM
9

Yesss. This is the best. Be the you that makes you feel beautiful, not what anyone else says is. I dated a guy who had the audacity to tell me after we broke up that I should wear my hair in a certain way more because it looks better!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/10/20 08:01 AM
2

Not at all. I honestly think one of the reasons awful guys get away with this sort of behaviour is that we get shamed into not sharing our experiences. But if it helps someone feel better, or stops someone else accepting the same thing in future, it is worth it every single time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 05:29 PM
7

Tbh, I never actually pushed him on better apologies. By the time I had the wherewithal to realise he never actually apologised for anything, I was past really caring if I got one. I think the moment my last shred of patience wilted and died was at the end of one of these revelatory "I just have all these unresolved issues" conversations where for the first time ever, he'd admitted he needed therapy, but quickly backpedalled to "but I don't think I have the time given my job". I was dubious abou…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 03:21 PM
7

Oh, absolutely. He wriggled his way out of apologising for everything, regardless of severity. Little things were just a joke or not important and I was too serious/too sensitive/just didn't understand him/always making him walk on eggshells. And then when it came to anything big, waterworks and earnest talks and deep revelatory conversation about how his job/family/personal issues were affecting him and maybe he was a horrible monster who couldn't ever change, etc etc. to the point that I'd end…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 03:06 PM
5

Haha, me too. If you have to caveat your apology, it isn't an apology. I mentally file "I'm sorry if" it in the same folder as "I'm not racist, but..."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 02:57 PM
2

Absolutely. It takes actual integrity to admit you are wrong and make amends for it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 02:55 PM
14

100% this. I used to find myself in the trap of ending up the one apologising/comforting after I'd been upset. And even if I held off on actually apologising, 100% guarantee I'd be the one putting in the effort to reach out first and make up the next day. It's just more lack of accountability that they don't see "I did something wrong and I will own it and apologise and we can move on" but somehow turn it into "It isn't fair that you called out my bad behaviour, so the fact I'm having to face an…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 02:52 PM
71

Ugh at the "sorry if you got offended". I have zero time for men who think there's anything attractive about insulting me and claiming it's "just being playful". The words are still the same though, aren't they?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 01:20 PM
2

It's that it puts the responsibility on you rather than them rather than them owning their actions and consequences. You're the one calling them out and "choosing" to be mad, so it becomes your fault. Heaven forbid they just...not do whatever it was in the first place.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 09:47 AM
2

Yes! If they didn't know it was wrong, they wouldn't feel the need to lie about it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 09:45 AM
5

Massive empathy on this. I've wasted so much of my life trying to explain to men how they've hurt me in the hope they'll be sorry and it'll make a difference, when they already fucking know - that's why they lied about it in the first place!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 09:43 AM
12

100%. I find the mantra "do I honestly think this man is doing the same for me?" is a great cure. Really highlights the "what am I wasting my time for, exactly?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 08:06 AM
35

:D As a chronic overthinker, it's a lesson I've had to learn a few times. But one of my close friends summed it up pretty well, at a time when I was asking her advice on hurtful actions of useless man #?? when she just said "do you think he's sat at home worrying about anything you've done? The solution to him not putting in any effort is not for you to put in his share as well."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 07:45 AM
73

Workplace issues aside - if you're having to write an essay and analyse interactions to work out whether a man is interested in you or not...just save yourself the time and effort.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/10/20 07:38 AM
3

This, so much. I remember when I was in my teens/early 20s, I was admonished by my parents for not giving the various LVMs "a chance" and told that maybe I should just try and work on things more rather than leaving otherwise I'd end up not in a relationship. And that massive burden of shame for being single that's put on women is such a huge motivator to stay in a shitty situation. Because maybe you're just not giving it a chance, and relationships take work and you wouldn't want to be alone - …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 10:36 PM
33

Also in this series: if he turns nasty when confronted with an issue rather than apologising and actually owning his actions.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 10:21 PM
11

Honestly, I give friendships a three strike rule - if they flake on plans or don't reply to me or generally don't bother putting in effort and it happens more than twice, I am done initiating anything. It might be a friendship rather than a romantic relationship, but it's still a red flag if you're the one putting in all the work. It's not "demanding" to expect a friend to respect your time and effort, because both have high value, and if you are treating them as if their time and company is wor…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 10:12 PM
28

100%. Any time I've ever had a guy say they didn't tell the truth because they were worried about hurting me - - they have hurt me a hundredfold more than if they'd just been honest in the first place. It has nothing to do with anyone else's feelings, and everything to do with them not wanting to be accountable, because every time - if I hadn't found whatever it is out, they would never have come clean.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 09:55 PM
3

Good luck with the interview! You got this. :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 09:48 PM
3

Aghhh, this. Past me fell for a guy in what he said (and I totally believed) was a hugely toxic relationship. I realised I had feelings for him so I ended my relationship because we were having issues and I recognised I had feelings for someone else, so made a clean break. But there was always an excuse from his side. It was never the right time to leave her. It was too close to Christmas. She was going through some job problems. Her car broke down and he didn't want to pile on. He'd still call …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 01:09 PM
1

Ugh, this one hurts. As someone who, like an idiot, once waited for a guy who told me he loved me, but was "just waiting for the right time" to break up with his girlfriend...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 12:54 PM
3

This seems familiar. A past ex of mine turned out to have a horrible reputation with women in our wider circle of friends and when I started talking about him to my friends, I started getting warnings about him having cheated on his last girlfriend. When I brought this up with him, his FIRST reaction was "Who said that? I want to know who's talking shit about me".
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 12:43 PM
3

Ugh, fuck people who make you feel like this. The "it is my fault for ruining this nice moment" is such a manipulation that totally devalues your feelings. Realistically, that is him saying "you being hurt is an inconvenience to me", because he'd rather you just pretend to be okay and suffer in silence than actually address what has upset you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 12:40 PM
3

Yes, this. Every time I'd bring up how a thing made me feel with my ex, it was a huge thing. He'd say things like "I just want to go a week without some stupid issue", as if me saying "this is how this thing makes me feel" was some massive hardship he had to shoulder.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 12:34 PM
4

Jfc, this. This is my ex, of the tearful apologies and how he could never do anything right and he was just so sad about hurting me...but strangely, still kept doing the same things. Continuously carting around his unresolved baggage, complaining about how heavy it was.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/20 12:21 PM
3

Ugh, this describes the behaviour of my most recent ex horrifyingly well.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/20 01:40 PM
1

100%. And it's always on /you/ to make the effort, never them. And I always found that the boyfriend with those friend groups never actually tries to include you. I remember when I first introduced a long term partner of mine to my friends, I explained what they were into and what he could talk to them about. He genuinely cared about getting along with them, so I helped him do so and I set up conversations to help him feel included and to let everyone get to know each other. I've never had any m…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/20 10:50 AM
2

Yeah, this. And never have any accountability or responsibility for causing pain to the women they're emotionally abusing. Last guy I was dating had an A+ in not taking responsibility for his actions upsetting people. He often said stuff like "oh, well if it was going to upset you, you should have told me not to do it". Basically, "I've done a shitty thing and clearly know it was, but it's your fault for being upset."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/20 10:43 AM
1

Haha, thank you! :D
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/20 10:38 AM
8

Ugh. So bored of men who expect me to be okay with recent exes being front and centre of their friend group, and honestly disappointed in having to deal with petty spiteful sniping from another woman. I don't know why they can't see that if dating them would mean having to run a gauntlet of the shitty, toxic people they're keeping around - - it's just not worth the hassle.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/20 09:41 AM
12

I might just do this. I've got a front porch, he can collect it from there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/20 02:08 PM
16

Guy I was seeing proving his worth right up to the end. Gave him a time to come over and collect his things and talk about sorting the stuff we need to from breaking up...and he's just texted me to say he'll be late (he doesn't know by how much) because he's going to meet a friend who lives near me beforehand. Of course he fucking is. Couldn't turn up for the relationship, not sure why I expected him to turn up for the end of it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/20 01:43 PM
15

100%. Was spending so much time obsessing over what a certain careless phrase meant, whether I'd done something wrong, whether he was going to be affectionate or spiky and moody that day. Yes, there were nice bits but it was like forever having to push through brambles to find a rose, and by the time I got there - I was always already cut to pieces.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/20 06:41 AM
10

Yep! He was absolutely charming in the start. Did all the chasing, was affectionate and attentive and then just fizzled out to this lazy, moody guy who made little spiteful jabs about everything in what he called "just playful teasing". I spent a lot of time and effort trying to find that person I'd fallen for in the first place.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/20 06:15 AM
14

Yeah, this. I am a firm believer in "people show you who they are", and well...yeah.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/09/20 10:12 PM
9

Thank you! Glad to be here. :)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/09/20 10:10 PM
11

This feels eerily familiar. Was seeing a guy when my great aunt died and I remember him saying "oh, I'll leave you alone, lmk when you're okay" like "oh, you want emotional support? I'm just checking out, let me know when you're fun again".
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/09/20 09:59 AM
1

Jfc, this. Just ended a relationship with a guy who often said "I feel like I never do anything right" and "I'm always upsetting you" and "I don't want to hurt you" but somehow still managed to keep doing those things.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 09:29 PM
2

For me - I look back at what I've apologised for. In my relationship that's just ended, I too was convinced the good parts were worth saving - but it felt like trying to pull something precious out of the shredder. I'd call him out on his behaviour, he'd rationalise and evade and then he'd tell me I wasn't as resilient as him/was too easily upset. We'd talk about it only if he wanted (or after a lot of pestering) and more often than not, I'd end up apologising to him. And then I started looking …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/09/20 09:25 AM
4

I think this is less about that and more about being the girl who is "totally chill" with being treated badly and takes pride in stuff like "not nagging". Not anything to do with having your shit together, but about not calling him out on his. Very much goes hand in hand with the "not like other girls" imo.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/20 12:27 PM
2

I think the phrase "finding a man to love" hits the nail on the head, when we shouldn't just be happy with a black hole that takes all the love we want to give - but look for someone who reciprocates the same love and care and support we give to them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/20 12:21 PM
1

Doesn't make me diminish myself Bored of men who say shit like "I love talking to you" or "It's really cool that you are into x" but then their actions don't match up. Bored of men who don't like me mentioning my salary if I make more than them. Bored of conversations where they're just waiting for their turn to talk. I am an intelligent, interesting, successful person and I refuse to feel like I should shut up and be pretty. Able to maturely debate and compromise I have spent a long time hand h…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/20 07:01 AM
2

Mine would call me all times of the day - which I originally thought was sweet until I realised that he didn't value my time/job/interests at all and expected me to just drop everything for him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/09/20 06:31 AM
2

This, so much. Even when I was head over heels for him, just could never really relax around him. Always felt like my boundaries were being tested. Started clocking red flags all over the place - taking his phone into the shower, being vague about who he was meeting, etc. Called him out on his behaviour and he suddenly says he needs space to figure out what he wants, if he's ready for a relationship. In the meantime, friend of mine told me that he was seeing a whole load of people at the same ti…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/20 11:52 PM
1

I find this clarity after every breakup.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/09/20 11:36 PM
You can kill a man, but you can't kill an idea.

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