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lucidlotus Archive

View 9 posts and 759 comments by lucidlotus on TheRedPill subreddit and various other subreddits related to The Red Pill community.
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10

Sounds like you’re better off without him, but in the future don’t tell a man you’re testing him…
/r/askFDS17/01/22 03:20 PM
20

I actually really like MAFS (US here), and I typically don’t like reality shows. It’s interesting to spot the orange and red flags, to see who has good reasons to seek marriage vs. who doesn’t, and especially to see good vs. bad communication styles (can also be educational). It gets me thinking about the dynamics of past relationships and relationships in general. It’s kind of an opportunity to practice discernment and evaluation. The matchmakers can be weird but they have insights about relati…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/01/22 07:12 AM
5

Pretty sure it’s someone who can work from anywhere that has an internet connection so they move around whenever they like.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/01/22 05:39 AM
36

I’m glad you commented. I completely understand the desire not to get married because most men being LV or ZV makes it a bad deal for women more often than not. But I do know some happily married couples, so I think it’s important to remember they do exist. FDS marriage to a HVM is possible and desirable if the woman wants marriage.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/22 04:01 PM
26

Avoidant men are a dime a dozen. Wish people would identify the parenting style that’s creating them and knock that shit off. The last two I knew I’m pretty sure were related to having absent or passive fathers.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/22 06:20 AM
12

Lol, I love this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/01/22 06:07 AM
18

Yeah, I'm sure for some women the lack of d*ck pics or asking for nudes = green flag. Yuck
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/21 03:01 PM
49

I don’t think any of this is hiding himself as a decent guy. It’s literally just making conversation and following up to have a date. Any woman who interprets it as decency needs to reevaluate her perspective.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/21 01:43 PM
70

Agreed…how empty of meaning these men’s lives must be for them to find meaning in meaningless hookups.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/21 01:41 PM
3

No—some gemstones are much more expensive than diamonds. Good-quality ruby, sapphire, emerald, alexandrite, tanzanite, and tsavorite, for example. De Beers just didn’t run ad campaigns telling people to buy engagement rings containing them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/21 07:12 AM
3

Lab-grown diamonds are real. Their physical and chemical properties are the same as real diamonds. There’s no difference other than age and price. Some natural diamonds are mined unethically, but there are efforts in the industry to increase transparency and avoid unethical supply chains. That said, the engagement ring industry and demand was created out of thin air by De Beers. And it’s true that diamonds aren’t a good investment. What many don’t know is that some other gemstones are far more r…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/21 07:08 AM
6

I really adored aspects of this show, but the pickmeism was off the charts. I look forward to seeing more FDS-type values reflected in mainstream entertainment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/12/21 06:44 AM
3

Yep, gift wish lists for family members don't indicate LV. Partners are a little different.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/12/21 01:17 AM
349

Agreed but he's primarily garbage for dating a 23 year old at his age. Blocking his daughter is just additional confirmation.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/12/21 07:21 PM
7

Exactly... LVM and ZVM can make cute gestures. They can also make grand romantic gestures and still be LV/ZV.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/12/21 07:15 PM
81

Tiny brain
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/12/21 08:51 PM
36

Grosssss. She does also get to tell herself she’s “not like the other girls” 🤡
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/12/21 05:29 AM
1

I’m afraid they’re setting her up for an awakening with Che...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/12/21 05:22 AM
3

That is awful... He should be blacklisted.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/12/21 05:20 AM
3

I think there’s something about how the actor portrays her that somehow gives her serious jerk energy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 05:24 PM
7

Agreed. The way Steve is so passive about it when Miranda brings it up also really irritates me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 07:48 AM
18

I could really do without their disgusting podcast entirely... They have no class. The one where they talked about men jerking off in public was just beyond. Laughing it off as “boys will be boys.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 07:44 AM
14

It’s awful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/12/21 07:38 AM
2

Have you read the handbook? This man is dysfunctional and so is your relationship. Why did you beg him to go home with you anyway? The onus is on him to fix himself. He needs to take a hard look at himself and seek the necessary help. Clearly no amount of communicating on your part is making a dent. I think quarantine has hit a lot of men hard because many of them never developed positive coping or self-soothing strategies. (Also, consider this a bullet dodged because you found out who he really…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/12/21 07:46 PM
4

It’s very difficult to build a good relationship with someone HV if you don’t have a solid foundation of self-sufficiency and strength on your own. Even if you met a HVM tomorrow, your current state and feelings of “lacking” a man or housemate would be a huge detriment to developing a good relationship. More therapy seems in order. But talk therapy has limitations and might not work for something so deep-rooted. You might give it another shot, but I also suggest looking into EMDR through a thera…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/12/21 06:07 AM
2

I’m sorry you’re struggling. A good therapist will work with you until you can live alone without anxiety and distress.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/12/21 05:59 AM
8

Well, of course. Since we're talking about men asking it I didn't think I had to specify that way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/12/21 03:31 AM
44

The problem is it implies his default assumption is you DON’T bring anything to the table and have to convince him. No woman should be put in the position to do this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/12/21 02:39 AM
69

This show is great overall. It also shows how difficult it can be for women (and especially women of color) to show strength, assertiveness, and passion in the workplace because men will label them "angry." (And some things are worth getting angry over...) ETA: The way her job impacted her marriage is also an interesting topic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/12/21 09:29 PM
27

Wow. Hope he’s not now feeling “trapped” in his relationship with JLo and this is the result. But I’d bet money on it… ETA: And he’s so defensive in the video. Think he protests too much.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/12/21 03:22 PM
27

Saw this. What an ass. And casting blame for his addiction is a huge sign he hasn’t begun to comprehend his issues, much less make a solid attempt at recovery. To even dare to say he felt “trapped”… No one is trapped in a marriage unless their finances and life situation make it impossible to leave. What about the women in abusive marriages who have very few to no options? Cry me a river, privileged white man. We don’t care.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/12/21 03:19 PM
95

Can confirm. Huge red flag.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 11:41 PM
59

I’m still haunted by one I saw years ago that had a thin carpet of hair on every surface…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 11:40 PM
58

Dated a guy like this (who was otherwise mostly OK)…if his team lost the rest of his day was shot emotionally. Kind of self-punishing if you ask me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 11:39 PM
171

I really have a problem with it this one…makes me think he hears women’s voices automatically in a whine in his head. 🤷‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 11:05 PM
77

I do this! But only when no one’s around.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 11:03 PM
87

Men who turn their head to the side to purse their lips and blow out a burp, supposedly so it doesn’t go toward the person in front of them…but it makes it more obvious (and gross).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 10:58 PM
123

Long toenails too 😳
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 10:55 PM
6

I think there's an argument to be made that manipulation is abusive. His hot and cold, push and pull behavior was manipulative.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 03:57 PM
26

I don’t think paying makes a difference honestly. Back when I was on OLD it didn’t. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that guys on paid sites are more desperate though (OKCupid has also switched to paid for what used to be standard features). They’re the same level of desperate…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 03:08 PM
80

But you can find your one soulmate who lives on the other side of the world and live happily ever after! 🤡 Probably what they want you to think.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 03:06 PM
29

Media also never calls men flaky! It’s reserved for women. The men are “unpredictable,” “mysterious,” etc. and just need to be tamed by a woman’s love. 🤢
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 03:02 PM
9

I think you’re right…the one woman I knew who acted this way had trauma in her background and was far less successful or secure in herself. 😕
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 02:59 PM
6

Mostly good points, but re: your first sentence, plenty of women in abusive relationships choose to be there. Calling him abusive doesn’t imply she’s trapped there against her will or has no responsibility. And just because he was honest doesn’t mean he wasn’t abusive. How many men use “I’m just being honest” to justify being shitty? But you hit the nail on the head about her and other women willfully deluding themselves.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 02:52 PM
74

You were in a very vulnerable place. It’s OK to make mistakes. He sounds awful, frankly. You don’t need his validation. Try to look at what happened as a reminder of how things can go wrong by letting LVM/ZVM into your life, and an opportunity to build up your boundaries stronger. Take some time to heal. Maybe seek therapy to get you through this time of intense grieving. No need to beat yourself up. Take good care of yourself and be gentle with yourself.
/r/askFDS15/12/21 06:21 AM
17

I don’t know anything about her childhood, and not ruling out the scenario you mention, just saying it seems like an assumption.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 05:40 AM
21

Could have been a babysitter, a friend’s family, another relative...don’t think we know enough to assume it was the parents.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 05:17 AM
54

Gail Dines has an organization called Culture Reframed that specializes in helping parents steer their kids away from porn.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 05:15 AM
55

I have mixed feelings about Samantha because even though she was confident and successful she was a huge proponent of casual sex. Then again they all were, but I remember her being the most outspoken about it (if I recall correctly).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 01:46 AM
126

Yes... It's sad that I bought it at the time. And all the libfem/hookup culture values it pushed. I honestly think it helped shape women watching it into pickmes. At least now it helps me see how much my perspective has changed for the better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/12/21 12:21 AM
2

Notice what the thought bubbles indicate Maxim’s writers think about women...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/12/21 07:06 AM
10

I haven’t watched this but am watching The Bachelorette for the same reason (never watched it before but was suddenly intrigued). She seems to have excellent boundaries and has been pretty quick to boot the men who cross them. One of the men on the “men tell all” episode even called out another for misogyny, using three points that sounded like he’d be supportive of FDS. Pleasant surprise. (Though I suppose it could have been scripted.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/12/21 07:01 AM
27

My cat was a great judge of character. Always hissed at and was wary around men who later proved to be crappy. Cuddled right up to men who showed over time they were good people.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/12/21 09:44 PM
95

Agree with your post but want to point out there really is no such thing as “the one”… There may be a few “ones” over a lifetime and we don’t want to perpetuate the idea of some magical, all-encompassing love (which is foisted upon us by society and culture).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/12/21 06:17 PM
14

Or just getting into a serious relationship. I’ve seen men do this. I think part of it might be that suddenly spending huge amounts of time with someone else takes away from their normal routine, and good habits fall by the wayside, sadly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/12/21 06:36 AM
4

Where she said “are all adults getting dumber” and “if people in general just becoming lower value.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/12/21 06:53 AM
18

The last person who said “Neither of us was wrong—we just saw the situation differently” was a straight-up narcissistic sociopath who destroyed everything she touched. Truth isn’t a gray area.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/12/21 02:23 PM
42

Yes, but I’m in my 40s. Don’t hesitate to be pickier about this when you’re younger.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/21 02:58 PM
6

Eh, with all his other behavior there’s no reason to take his comment at face value. But you could be right about another woman.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/21 02:39 PM
9

Look for the femalefashionadvice subreddit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/21 07:04 AM
15

Along with all the other red flags, he left the party Saturday because he didn’t feel good, and then on Monday was hung over and still not 100% after the “terrible” party? Sounds like he drank way too much, or who knows what else.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/12/21 06:46 AM
2

Lol this cracked me up 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/12/21 06:34 AM
107

I have never in my life heard anyone specify "before taxes" when discussing their income, in a personal or professional context... In your earlier conversations was it verbally specified that you were talking about take home pay?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/11/21 01:37 AM
17

Or as soon as the Dream Girl reciprocates he finds out she’s actually a human with feelings and needs and relegates her to placeholder.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/11/21 06:31 AM
740

What this bonehead doesn’t seem to understand (or pretends not to) is the 1) inconvenience of the lack of planning/unexpected factor and 2) EXTRA LABOR it requires her to put toward their household. Oh yeah, and if you have guests you feel some responsibility to serve them what they like, so “just serve whatever” is ridiculous. Throw the whole man out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/11/21 06:17 AM
19

I was confused by this until I saw it was UK specific. I don’t think it’s the case in the US.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/11/21 03:52 AM
31

Yes, we were naive, understandably. We were brainwashed. But we’re not “jaded” now, just realistic. There’s no need for balance. Only realism. The friends you’ve mentioned in comments are still naive. Be relieved that you’re starting to figure out how things really work.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/21 04:01 PM
11

It’s a very violent show so could be a red flag. Obsession with a TV show could also mean he doesn’t have a lot going on in his life… (I did love the show myself but it was long before FDS, so I can’t say if my perspective would be different now.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/11/21 03:57 PM
12

That’s f’n crazy. Dude sounds like a supreme gaslighter. Another bullet dodged.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 04:36 PM
6

Recently heard “I know you love that sport but you should play this one instead.” No thank you, but thank you for letting me know my preferences mean nothing to you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/11/21 05:33 AM
111

Dangling a carrot so to speak is a tactic, and he wasn’t prepared to have to follow through with his “suggestion.” Similar to future faking like another comment mentioned. Bullet dodged.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/21 02:39 PM
40

You raise good points, but she specified “white men have the least to whine about”...because they are the most privileged group in the west.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/11/21 06:16 AM
3

On another FDS post someone commented that pickmes are “criminally stupid” and “mentally retrded.” Wrong on more than one level. It somehow has a lot of upvotes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 04:47 PM
3

I saw a post in a New Age group once saying that abusers and pedophiles just want love and don’t know how to get it. 🤮 The New Agers are some of the most deluded people around.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 12:15 AM
1

Awful...and I have no desire to see Will Smith in anything due to his ridiculous polyamory shitshow.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/11/21 12:02 AM
10

No need to be cruel. Many FDSers were once pickmes. Have some empathy. ETA: Can’t we just agree that a man taking advantage of a woman is wrong without having to resort to calling the woman mentally retarded?? If you’ve been paying attention to FDS you know pickmes are made that way largely by social brainwashing. Seriously WTF.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 11:51 PM
15

This is so interesting. Many years ago a male friend said to me, “Do you ever just hate someone so much that you want to fuck them?” No, not at all...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 11:43 PM
8

Wow. They weren’t attracted to each other? So attraction isn’t biological? Fascinating. Definitely going to read this ASAP.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 11:41 PM
2

I’m guessing they like the geeky guys but have no radar for creepiness.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 11:37 PM
4

He gives me the heebie-jeebies. Have to fast forward when he’s on SNL.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 11:36 PM
16

Yes...and then when you leave they play the game of trying to get an ego boost by winning you back. They can’t decide
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 11:29 PM
17

Yes...and this really points to a lack of emotional depth. A HVM with depth can see the value in loyalty, the history of years together, and aging with someone he loves by his side.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 11:26 PM
30

Wow, you’re right. For me it’s been the slow fade (or vanish), text breakup and refuse to answer the phone (after over a year), stage a public fight and walk away, cheat with his ex... It’s a little comical, but also pathetic. A friend used to say she was frequently “forced to break up with myself” bc the guys clearly wanted to but wouldn’t do it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 11:22 PM
11

Upvote for Sam Waterston!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 11:13 PM
33

Political compatibility is extremely important to me. Your politics are a reflection of your morals and values. Doesn’t mean we have to agree on all the issues, but dating someone too far from me on the political spectrum is just begging for conflict, and not only about politics. I think the differing opinions become dealbreakers when they’re about issues you care deeply about.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 11:09 PM
41

Yes. Most male “friends” have been inappropriate at some point. However I do value the few who have respected the boundaries of our friendship. I still keep them all at a distance.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 10:50 PM
68

It’s massive social brainwashing and leads to so much misery. I’m relieved I now see through it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/11/21 10:45 PM
28

Yes. Most men I’ve dated have been quite tidy. I’m in my 40s so it’s not a tiny sample size. I did date one man whose place and car were a mess most of the time and it was a dealbreaker (among others). I’ve also had both tidy and messy male roommates. Find new men!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/11/21 08:02 AM
49

I recognize her descriptions. Their existence is a grievance to me 😆
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 02:17 PM
104

Not only one but two LVM...the technician and the husband, who’s just baffled rather than enraged/protective. WTF.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 02:14 PM
2

She’s incorrect. Sure, if someone is in therapy to resolve heavy issues, it’s wise not to date. But people go to therapy for all kinds of reasons and they don’t all make you unfit to date. AA does advise against dating in the early stages of recovery. That said, if a man has just begun therapy for lifelong issues he probably has a lot of work to do before he can be a good partner, so I agree with you on that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 02:09 PM
1

This is just not true. People go to therapy for all kinds of reasons and they don’t all make you unfit to date. Are you thinking of AA?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 07:20 AM
1

I’d proceed with caution, but I don’t think it’s automatically a red flag, specifically because the stigma around therapy and mental health issues has only recently begun lifting, and many people are a lot more open about it than they used to be. More important is what he’s in therapy for and whether he’s making progress. As for people saying you shouldn’t date while in therapy, that’s overly simplistic and based on a lot of assumptions. Therapy isn’t always a linear path to solving a problem, a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/11/21 07:17 AM
12

Yep. Two of the women dearest to me made their lives infinitely more difficult by procreating with this kind of man.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 07:08 AM
14

I’m noticing this too. Seems to be a rampant trend. I’m hoping FDS values start to spread into entertainment. On a related note, was less than thrilled to hear there’s a SATC reboot in the works. 🤢
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 07:03 AM
4

Yes! Just found out about him on the podcast with Gail Dines.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/11/21 06:43 AM
4

This kind of criticism completely misses the fact that finding inspiration for art in your past is nothing unusual in the creative world.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 02:15 PM
3

Ohhh...I didn’t know about his dad. That explains a lot.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 05:38 AM
52

Yep. I was prey to this when I was in college. Didn’t know any better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 05:19 AM
4

Totally agree on the colors. I did mine based on an old book—will definitely look at the blog you mentioned below.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 05:12 AM
41

She just wasn’t attracted to him until recently. She could have phrased that better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 05:07 AM
127

WTF did I just read...WTAF, New York Times? So many red flags here, but “She’s a great listener” and “She didn’t talk about herself”... 🤮
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/11/21 04:58 AM
26

What an awful man. So glad she’s been able to see through him though. And I’d like to applaud her for paying attention to the “nagging feeling.” Even when we don’t really know, we know something isn’t right.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 04:12 PM
38

Maybe just mention that the vetting never stops.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/11/21 04:04 PM
169

Thanks for sharing this. I’m glad you didn’t waste any more time with him. I find this an important post also from this angle: the “giving advice” and “comforting him.” I don’t see this talked about much here, but I tend to think they should be reserved for men you’re in an exclusive relationship with, men you already consider friends and truly only want friendship with, or male relatives. A couple reasons for this. First, it’s emotional labor on your part, and no reason to do that for a man who…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/11/21 02:48 PM
6

I grew up in a special intersection between a Christian "no-premarital-sex" upbringing and the pickme feminism of the 90s/early 2000s. Rebellion against the religious upbringing led me straight to hookup culture. I truly didn't know there was another option. What a mess. I want to brainstorm ways to help girls and younger women avoid the mistakes some of us have made.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/21 03:14 PM
31

I've been in a very similar position, although it lasted far longer than a few dates. I ignored the feelings of emptiness/unease for way too long. He wasn't a narc/abusive/manipulative, but he was emotionally unavailable, which has its own set of problems. I too thought I could stick around and be less attached but it just didn't work. The fact your intuition is hitting you this hard this early is a red flag.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/11/21 03:11 PM
33

I understand your POV, but it’s really not quite that dire. It’s difficult to find HVM, but not impossible. The mods have posted reminders that FDS is meant to encourage women to date more effectively, not to write off men entirely.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/11/21 02:17 PM
2

I almost didn't watch the Morning Show because of this post, but I ended up watching it and was glad I did. I think OP's characterization of the show is oversimplified. I suggest watching it and forming your own opinion...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/11/21 09:59 PM
41

No, it hasn’t. In the last 20 years these things have become mainstream: hookup culture, pickme liberal feminism, social media, online dating, and depraved/violent porn. The culture around dating and the relationship between the sexes has changed. Not saying there was ever some golden age, but it’s gotten a lot worse.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/11/21 02:11 PM
21

Completely agree. The culture and society have changed and men with it. Yours should be the top comment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/11/21 01:45 PM
36

I agree it hasn’t always been that way. During my twenties (the early 2000s) men were more respectful, more relationship minded, and less porn obsessed. I really think there’s been a cultural change since then as pickme liberal feminism and social media took hold and porn got a lot worse. I’m sure age has an impact but I think it’s primarily the culture. ETA: Anecdotal, but I know more HVM in older generations (Boomers and older) than the younger ones.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/11/21 01:40 PM
15

This man and his supporters are sick. And the women have been victimized not only by him but by our sick society that places such a high value on male approval.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/11/21 11:55 PM
8

No, I just misread! Got it
/r/askFDS01/11/21 08:57 PM
53

Yes, cancel. Anyone who truly wants a relationship won’t say they’re also open to something casual, because that opens them up more to being disappointed by those who only want casual. Also odd for him to change it after the first date with you.
/r/askFDS01/11/21 08:41 PM
8

I like to remind myself that at least some of the pickmes judging or pitying single women for being single are putting on an act. The same way that some parents appear to judge childfree people because secretly they’re jealous. People happy with their lives don’t need to tell others what’s wrong with theirs.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/10/21 06:36 AM
15

Exactly. Some of these people have been brainwashed (the ones who aren’t just horny sociopaths).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/10/21 06:31 AM
68

You're right. I think movies, TV, society, etc. prime our brains to get "addicted" to crushes through what we're told about love. Then crushes activate those neural pathways.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/10/21 06:48 PM
55

Some men are just lazy or in denial. But I have come across a couple who were so emotionally exhausted by life (their own doing) that not seeking medical attention was related to some kind of passive death wish. I could tell by the way they talked about it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/10/21 05:19 AM
16

Not really because they were so quick, but if I had to guess I’d say maybe irritation or skepticism/judgment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/10/21 04:42 AM
79

Great point. I've also found two former pickme narcissist friends had micro-expressions... I'd get a brief "off" feeling from their faces that I ignored because their words were reasonable. It was after the friendships dissolved that I remembered the micro-expressions as early warning signs.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/21 09:20 PM
25

OKCupid has a question on whether you’re “open to nonmonogamy.” It’s a sneaky way of putting it. When I was on the site I avoided any man who was.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/21 03:32 PM
100

So true. And somehow polyamory is framed by some as an exercise in personal development, for lack of a better term, as a way to “expand your mind” and learn from the challenges that arise. Basically that you should be able to work through what it triggers in you, not that the triggers are there for a good reason. 🙄 I’m sure a select few people can make it work, but every poly person I’ve met has had more than a few screws loose.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/10/21 04:57 AM
158

Yes. Gail Dines also has an organization called Culture Reframed with info and programs about how to talk to kids about porn. The more parents we can inform about it the better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/10/21 11:57 PM
7

When I was in elementary school, my parents wanted me home before dark. Requiring that of an adult is controlling and unusual. He's not worried about her safety. He wants to prevent her from cheating or having too much fun without him. It's a huge red flag. I had a boyfriend once who pouted on the rare occasions I went out for a girls' night, but he never gave me a "curfew." He still ended up being somewhat controlling.
/r/askFDS23/10/21 06:58 PM
10

Great tips. I love #4. So good for those of us raised to be people pleasers.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/10/21 04:58 AM
19

It can also be a narcissist thing. They don’t want you to have what you want...they want you to have what they want you to have because their opinion is more important.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/10/21 04:49 AM
19

Definitely a shitty power game. Can’t have her thinking he’ll do something if she asks. Just a way to lower expectations so you quit asking for anything. 🙄
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/10/21 04:46 AM
10

That is just insane...so beyond all his other massive failings he also fails at simple logic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/10/21 04:43 AM
17

*low-value men
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/21 09:51 PM
63

“If you don’t lower your standards you’ll never be partnered to a human with a penis.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/21 08:52 PM
9

Great post. The perfect mix of cautious optimism and realism! I also like to remind myself that even if dating seems overwhelming, you’re only looking for ONE right guy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/21 05:07 AM
41

I’m curious about why things are so bad in the UK (I’m in the US—not that they’re not bad here, but the UK has been in the news for such things lately and is much smaller). Anyone have any theories?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/21 05:04 AM
36

They’re socially brainwashed to overestimate their value in general. Then movies, tv, porn, etc. show men with women totally out of their league.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/21 05:01 AM
27

Midwestern upbringing here. Same.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/21 04:57 AM
6

Ooh, I would dig that. I see things so differently now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/10/21 04:53 AM
21

He's trying to either get a reaction or test how much you'll put up with down the line.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/10/21 02:58 PM
3

"too many" white women being Karens doesn't mean the majority of white women are Karens.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/21 10:19 PM
101

It’s incredibly weird and inconsiderate to let you open the package to find your ring, when it should be part of a surprise with him THERE. No wonder you were confused. He also ran right over your three-year request. So now because you’re not reacting the way he expected, he’s punishing you by taking it back instead of trying to figure out how to resolve it together. It points to control and manipulation issues and I’d be concerned they’d get a lot worse in the future. If he wanted to explain th…
/r/askFDS18/10/21 02:38 PM
32

“It would have been great if he fixed his personality” 😂
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/21 02:30 PM
8

Oh yeah, that was the other thing I forgot to mention! Eww.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/21 02:25 PM
18

This was highly entertaining (though sad) and kind of read like a comedy skit. Seriously, though, that poor pickme. She know not what she does.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/21 05:12 AM
70

Just watched this. He was awful. It also struck me that Brittany and her mom were brainwashed by pickme culture. One of her friends said she was “looking for something” and obsessed with getting married in general. Her friends expressed concern about her marrying him so fast but her mom was on board with the marriage. Another thing I found interesting was someone interviewed said that because Brittany didn’t go to school after she started acting (was tutored solo), she didn’t have the same oppor…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/21 05:01 AM
106

Yep. I’d also add that a relationship causing regular anxiety that’s never resolved or keeping you up at night is also a red flag.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/10/21 04:54 AM
8

Unfriend or unfollow, OR you could just block them. Then they'll think you deactivated your accounts and only the really curious/determined ones might figure out you didn't.
/r/askFDS16/10/21 10:32 PM
2

Send it anonymously if she wouldn’t immediately suspect you?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 06:28 AM
19

Maybe. It’s something about power and control, and demeaning women to make themselves feel superior.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 06:25 AM
14

The implication in the idea that being alone is terrible is that all partnered people are automatically happier...yet we know that’s not true. Maybe half of them are happy? I suspect less than half. The rest are “meh” or downright miserable.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/10/21 06:04 AM
4

It’s an advice sub for how to be a high-value woman and find high-value men. Hint: Cheating isn’t high-value (like I said in my first comment). Your post sounds like you’re worried about getting back in his good graces, but what’s the point of that?
/r/askFDS16/10/21 04:38 AM
2

Even though she's not exactly a HVW (due to excess drinking and other issues), I've found myself more inspired by Beth from Yellowstone than anyone. She takes no shit from anyone and isn't afraid of hurting men's feelings or being labeled a bitch. She basically says "This is me, world--deal with it."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/21 03:08 PM
28

Right, and as if the idea could have never possibly crossed her mind without him bringing it up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/10/21 03:00 PM
91

I am confused by your post...cheating and allowing someone to cheat off of you are not high-value behaviors.
/r/askFDS15/10/21 05:03 AM
43

Exactly. Unfortunately those very intense feelings are a red flag.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/21 12:32 PM
11

It’s crazy to me that in the same video she says he grabbed her face, shows the cop how he did so, and points out a scratch on her cheek...yet still those idiots call her the abuser.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/10/21 06:08 AM
19

Nah. But it is sad we live in a culture where that crosses our minds.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 08:46 PM
1

Looks like you have a flair now...pretty sure FDS Newbie counts.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/10/21 04:24 PM
16

Is it lame? Yes. Is it a product of social brainwashing? Also yes. I think these women deserve empathy more than scorn. They don’t really understand their own behavior. (Your post wasn’t scornful but some of the comments are.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/21 01:04 PM
36

Absolutely. “He’ll change for the right woman” and “he’ll change if you do x, y, z” are not supported by reality.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/21 12:57 PM
99

I tried to listen without preconceived notions, but she lost me as soon as she said morality has no place in politics. Morals shape values, which shape policy. She just wasn’t a great choice.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/10/21 12:22 AM
10

I’m sorry. That must have been awful. It’s so scary how long men can keep an act…four years is pretty crazy!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 06:20 PM
11

I agree with you on that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 12:58 PM
53

I don’t know why anyone here would watch them. Is this a joke?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 12:55 PM
43

Your definition of trauma is too narrow. Trauma can be caused by emotional abuse and even by events in relationships that don’t involve abuse. Still, your question is valid.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 12:50 PM
527

Your feelings are valid, but let me put it bluntly. You’re young. You have your whole life ahead. Many of us didn’t reach that realization until our 30s, 40s, or later. Many women never will. Consider yourself lucky.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/10/21 05:29 AM
2

Casual/fwb is just a hookup...repeated. The thing is that very few men after fwb really want to make the effort to “hang out and do activities.” They just want to get laid. This guy is awful. I advise not getting in a car with any man you’ve just met. So much can go wrong.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/21 11:32 PM
3

Therapists can be just as messed up as anyone. And many predators will use the helping professions as a guise to build trust and look good to the community.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/21 11:25 PM
8

Better than being a walking anus like him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/10/21 06:06 AM
37

“I broke my ex’s heart because it’s what I do” (accompanied by a sad sigh) “I’m an asshole” “Maybe I’m a sociopath”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/21 09:42 PM
4

I know one successful married couple where the woman proposed to the man (in the 90s back when “equality” and women chasing was all the rage). However he is a VERY HV man and this was before the advent of online dating, hookup culture, and ubiquitous violent porn. In 99.9% of cases a woman proposing is a bad idea.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/21 04:57 PM
86

Great reminder. It can also be especially confusing and difficult to recognize when you begin to feel this way around someone you trust, who’s only recently begun to manipulate after a long period of positive interactions. Men can wait years to start manipulating. When your focus is preserving the relationship, it’s easy to chalk up the unease to stress or conflict and not see what’s going on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/10/21 10:04 AM
11

Can admit his mistakes and apologize for them. Is open to honest discussion of conflict and resolving it constructively rather than trying to assign blame.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/21 11:54 PM
1

I think he looks stoned...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/21 11:47 PM
422

Their pornsickness has become a mass psychosis.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/21 06:13 AM
220

The cat's out of the bag. So many men fake love.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/21 03:30 AM
235

We value other things because valuing men more than other things has seriously backfired for women as a whole.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/21 03:24 AM
24

Exactly. I wish I had had the "be The Bitch(TM)" from above several years ago. Being "nice" to men in the workplace only got me harassed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/10/21 03:22 AM
2

Hmm, wonder why... a few commenters were wondering if the post was fake.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/10/21 03:56 PM
52

I suspect the “itch” is because he uses a single pair for way too long.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/10/21 12:01 PM
92

Lawyers, actors, cops, doctors, salesmen, standup comedians, entrepreneurs with a new age bent or delusions of grandeur, most who work in restaurants/bars (too much substance abuse). Hmm, except for the last two these are careers with a strong link to/reliance on power, “personality,” and/or emotional manipulation. The HVM I’ve known seem to be either 1) more toward the blue collar or “works with his hands” end of the scale or 2) scientists or otherwise highly educated but not in medicine or law…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/10/21 11:52 AM
15

I felt this way too. Two things helped: 1) an excellent therapist trained in EMDR (it’s amazing for processing trauma and intense emotions). 2) Figuring out how to love myself the best I can, and how to make my life the best it can be. It really is about 1) healing and 2) leveling up. One little thing that helps me with anger at men is to think of how grateful I am to be ME and not one of them.
/r/askFDS02/10/21 01:59 PM
8

I see what you’re saying, but a good number of the green flag posts declare a man HV too early. Some of those posters need to avoid that or make it clear they’re just examples of HV behavior. I understand OP’s intent better now that she clarified because the post came across like she was declaring him HV even though she didn’t say so directly. I look at the criticism of green flag posts that prematurely call a man HV or laud him for bare minimum behavior as FDS having our back and making sure we…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/21 01:45 PM
10

Sounds familiar. Mine was always projecting onto me. I eventually realized anything negative he said about me was really about himself. Black hole of self loathing is right.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/21 05:53 AM
11

The shallow emptiness is a result of their self-loathing. They don’t love themselves so can’t properly love anyone else, so their ability to find meaning in life is hampered. True narcissists don’t think they need self-improvement because they’re too insecure to look honestly at themselves. Any suggestion there’s something “wrong” with them is too much for their fragile ego.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/21 05:49 AM
14

The problem is few narcissists are open to realizing they need therapy because it’s too much of a threat to their fragile egos.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/21 05:43 AM
60

Those are a lot of green flags and he sounds like a great coworker. I do admit these types of posts alarm me a bit, as it takes a very close personal relationship, often for years, to know whether a man is truly HVM. I have seen men put their best face on at work and it doesn’t reflect reality. We don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. We’ve all heard about the seemingly fantastic family men and pillars of their communities or churches who end up being monsters. Not saying there’s anything…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/10/21 05:35 AM
30

Well, it is devastating but let’s be real. She didn’t mention any physical or emotional abuse or triangulating with other women during the relationship, or porn or any other kind of addiction (though I bet he’s into porn). She didn’t marry or have kids with him and was only with him for 2 years. As far as most stories go this is pretty mild. It could have been so much worse.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/21 08:22 PM
90

Yeah, I should have said two years is a little long for people in their 30s.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/21 08:18 PM
93

I just tried but the text of her post has been deleted and her profile wouldn’t load. I really hope someone else messaged her in time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/21 08:16 PM
150

Truth. The narcissists I’ve known can’t love and respect women because they truly don’t love and respect themselves.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/21 05:45 PM
1020

Red flag: She traveled to him every weekend when they were long distance. Why didn’t he go to her? His new party lifestyle. The age gap between him and his new girlfriend. He just wants a younger woman who’s easier to control and less likely to ask him for a serious commitment. His excitement around her (and his friends’ jealousy) is based purely on her looks and age (i.e., it’s sexual). This man isn’t who she thought he was and she was blinded by their connection. Two years without an engagemen…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/21 05:44 PM
15

Yep. The men who are offended by FDS are those who already have serious issues with women and likely have few women who will put up with them. They’re offended at the idea of even fewer women who will do so.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/21 05:18 PM
38

They’ve been sliding through life thanks to male privilege for so long that the very idea of criticism is offensive to them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/21 05:02 PM
345

It’s almost like they’re admitting more men are abusive and apathetic than not.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/10/21 09:57 AM
18

You may be right. One of the most abusive men I know knew right away what was actually going on in the video...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/09/21 06:15 PM
17

“The guys who want to watch porn, game to dawn, not work and still cry about their needs not being met are millennials or younger.” Plenty of Gen X men fit that description, with the exception of not wanting to work.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 09:11 PM
9

Thanks for this. Nice to see a positive outcome and someone who sounds like a HVM.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 08:57 PM
4

Take out the "not work" part and it started with Gen X.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 08:45 PM
52

I have an elderly female relative who never partnered/married or had children. She's always had several pets and been active in her community. When I was younger I felt sorry for her because I didn't know any better. (Admittedly my dad making critical comments about her "feminism" didn't help.) Now I admire her for her independence and recognizing early on that men could be trouble.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 08:41 PM
89

I'm so glad they broke this down on the podcast. The way the cops handled it was ridiculous. A nice bonus was the discussion of why not to apologize or show weakness or vulnerability to any man until he's proven himself (starts around 54:30).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 08:36 PM
34

Whatever "discrimination" short men face, it doesn't begin to compare to what women and people of color face. And sure, women prefer tall men, but that doesn't mean short men can't be awesome. I was once won over by a short man I initially didn't find attractive, on the basis of his personality alone. Men underestimate the importance of their personality and behavior. So to short men whining about being short: be awesome in other ways. ETA: The other crazy thing about their whining is that there…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 04:16 PM
61

I remember reading somewhere many years ago (wish I could remember where!) that relationships where the man pursued the woman first were more likely to result in marriage. Have seen this play out IRL.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 04:09 PM
11

Yeah, and by "experiences" he could mean sex with other people.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 02:56 PM
20

I’m a huge proponent of the therapeutic value of psychedelics. They can be life-changing with the right intent and approach. But it has to be part of a process that also includes working on yourself, as you mentioned.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 02:09 PM
1

I was in a similar situation and EMDR therapy was amazing to help me process the feelings and soothe my nervous system (was basically having PTSD responses to anything that reminded me of him). You can find a certified therapist at emdria.org.
/r/askFDS29/09/21 01:52 PM
24

What’s interesting to me is some people I know who’ve done ayahuasca mention it humbled them. Guess it didn’t work that way for him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 01:41 PM
81

These polyamorous wackadoos always say things like “it’s the highest definition of love.” They just can’t resist sh*tting on everyone else’s definition. Delusions of superiority.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 01:39 PM
73

My guess is they chalked up the crying to being an “emotional woman,” without any thought as to there being a legitimate reason for it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 01:35 PM
32

She has that look of defeat plus “sick of this sh*t” in her eyes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 01:32 PM
13

“Both have been in relationships with women in the past and both have been married. Let it be known that if you are involved with a man who is low-effort, no-effort, a man who you have to beg to put in the bare minimum in a relationship, a man who acts like he really doesn't give a shit if you stay or go, and yet this man pursued you to be in the relationship in the first place, it's because he's either a deeply closeted gay or a pedophile, and his interests don't really lie with adult women at …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 01:27 PM
70

I agree with your first sentence, and I think it’s important. But there are things other than childhood sexual abuse that can contribute to risky sexual behaviors. Emotional abuse, addiction, low self-esteem, etc. And women are socialized to seek approval of men. Assuming any woman in these scenarios was sexually abused is inaccurate.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 05:40 AM
202

Gross. Very few couples can do polyamory successfully. For most it’s a recipe for disaster. A large proportion of people participating in it are coerced. Normalization = brainwashing the masses to believe it’s healthy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/09/21 05:22 AM
5

Shivered in disgust at the thought of little Elons running around. And then growing up.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/09/21 04:11 AM
3

I felt the same.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/09/21 12:45 AM
4

You’re absolutely right.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/21 04:15 PM
145

I got a message blaming “ALL you girls” for not seeing through bad men, lecturing me about it being an epidemic. The rage. I asked him why he’s blaming random women on Reddit instead of talking to men in real life about being better. Then I blocked him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/21 10:37 AM
17

I don’t think they’re trying to make it less significant, although sometimes they might come across that way. They’re trying to point out that missing women of color don’t get nearly the same amount of attention. See the comment above about black and native women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/21 10:29 AM
89

Agreed. Also reactive abuse (though I don't really like that phrase...seems to overlap with self-defense)...the abuse cycle (she apparently regularly stayed with her friend when she needed a break)...and cops downplaying women's emotions and chalking them up to "mental health issues."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/09/21 12:22 AM
16

Just my own speculation too, but given how broken down she was on the video I don’t see her doing that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 02:12 PM
1

I see this happen over and over at work. It’s disgusting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 02:08 PM
3

Thank you for posting this. I’m glad you’re out of the relationship. I had to turn off the bodycam video about 15 minutes in because it had me crying. The way she said he didn’t think she could do the blog and website and how she was blaming herself for everything. Her desperation was all too familiar to me as well after being in two relationships with emotionally abusive narcissists. It was quickly clear to me what was going on. Heartbroken for her.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 06:24 AM
3

Dating helping depression... 😂 That’s a good one. Sorry you had to deal with this condescending misogynist.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 05:58 AM
15

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. And really tired of all the “entertainment” focused on violence against women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 05:54 AM
118

Hmm, the men I work with are better at being praised for mediocre and subpar work, while the women are constantly cleaning up the resulting problems. Kind of an odd choice of photo as well.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 05:23 AM
137

This made me think about the women out there for whom a similar comment COULD help. Granted being in an abusive relationship is a mindf*ck and can be so hard to get out of, but you never know when saying something could make a difference.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/09/21 04:42 AM
86

Yeah…the people stuck on the “she was abusing him” storyline are ignoring the fact that in the bodycam video she said he grabbed her BY THE FACE.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/09/21 05:30 PM
11

This one really gets to me. There are some things I’d do solo if not for the fact that I KNOW I’d have to consistently keep away the pests. It’s not worth it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/09/21 03:01 PM
6

100% 😭
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/09/21 09:28 AM
88

That’s insane and cruel. Going without water for three days can be fatal...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/09/21 05:54 AM
23

Right. And she told them that he grabbed her by the face and demonstrated it. That’s hardly insignificant.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/09/21 05:51 AM
43

I felt so sad during just the first 15 minutes of the bodycam video that I had to turn it off. It was clear to me he wasn’t supportive of her and she had been led to think that she was the problem.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/09/21 05:48 AM
43

Ugh. Wow.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/09/21 02:09 PM
23

Yep, then a few minutes later he says "her little blog and website" (something like that but definitely included the word "little"). Dismissive. Meanwhile she was absolutely distraught. As for her being "the aggressor," she told the cops he grabbed her by the face.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/09/21 09:00 PM
2

Good points. I just think it’s unnecessary/overkill to avoid putting hiking in your profile to avoid hiking date invites. Seems like a slippery slope.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/09/21 11:36 AM
5

I didn’t find traditional therapy helped me either. Multiple therapists over many years. What did help was EMDR therapy with an EMDRIA-trained therapist. It really reduced the emotional charge associated with the PTSD and memories (just FYI if you ever consider therapy again). And I second the poster who said knowing it’s due to bad societal conditioning. I’m still uncovering all the ways this is true. It’s quite mind blowing.
/r/askFDS13/09/21 11:25 AM
4

Most of these are great. But I don’t agree on not mentioning being outdoorsy. Sure that can make it easy for a man to offer a hiking “date,” but if you ARE outdoorsy it can be pretty important to put it in your profile to match with likeminded men. Can you elaborate on your thinking?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 11:37 PM
39

Most of these are about right, but civil servant is kind of a reach. Sure you could find some sectors that attract psychopaths, but there’s such a huge range of civil servant jobs (literally all municipal, state, and federal employees) so it’s shortsighted to generalize. I’d go with actors/entertainers instead.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 11:27 PM
22

Exactly
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 11:20 PM
1

Oh oops, didn't realize that!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 09:37 PM
3

Yeah, OP needs to edit the title!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/09/21 09:26 PM
8

So much. It’s all so transparent now. Wish I could go back in time. F Disney. As an aside, any grown woman obsessed with Disney is 100% pickme. I know a few.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/09/21 04:05 AM
22

One of the most high-value men I’ve ever known lived in a van during grad school. He used some of the money saved for his now-wife’s engagement ring. They just celebrated ten years.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/21 07:18 AM
6

Ketamine helped me so much. I first did at-home sublingual ketamine with Mindbloom. Then intramuscular injections with a local psychiatrist. Both had lasting positive impacts that traditional therapy and medication never began to approach. I also did EMDR around the same time as the injections, and they really complemented each other.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/09/21 07:12 AM
8

Eesh. What else will he lie about? On a related note, I’m wary of men who always have to have the latest electronics. Often they’re trying to fill a hole in their soul.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/08/21 07:36 AM
15

The simp mentality is a sign of thinking women have no true value as humans.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 06:06 PM
2

That makes a lot of sense. Going to have to do some further reading on it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 06:01 PM
2

She also said she comes from a small town and he comes from a big city, making the “cultural issue” theory null and void.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 05:54 PM
2

He didn’t say HE finds the road difficult to drive on. He suggested she might. There’s a difference.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 05:53 PM
2

Right...FDS principles involve NOT assuming the best of men. It’s kind of important.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 05:40 PM
3

There’s a culture gap between your experience in a small town vs. a big city, but OP’s post has nothing to do with a culture gap. You’re assuming he has good intentions just because you have good intentions. You’re trying to put yourself in his shoes to rationalize his comments. I know this because I did it for years. Most of the time this is a losing approach to dealing with men in general. Never assume they have good intentions. This goes right to the FDS standard of vetting men. It would neve…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 05:31 PM
7

You’re trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but it’s not warranted. I did that too after growing up in a small town. Notice how in order to make your story fit, you had to make some big assumptions about both her and him that were wrong. She also said the road wasn’t windy. And no one is going to think about how “to not make you feel worthless if you weren’t the best driver” just in case. What? That makes no sense. And even if that were true it would still be based on her being a woman an…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 09:34 AM
5

Thank you for this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 05:22 AM
6

This is illuminating!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 05:10 AM
2

It’s downright tragic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 04:52 AM
5

This is so interesting. I think you’re onto something here.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 04:45 AM
35

His comments about the windy road and the car are absolutely condescending and he’d never say them to a man. I’d feel the same way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/08/21 04:37 AM
18

I liked Hacks recently (HBO). Watched it in a single day and it made me laugh, cry, and laugh and cry at the same time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/08/21 03:54 AM
2

I’m interested in the theory behind your second paragraph... so men who truly think they won’t get caught are still trying to cause harm? I never thought about it that way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/08/21 04:10 AM
38

Already read the handbook, and no, it’s not casual. I said “a man” instead of “boyfriend” for vagueness in case someone I knew saw it. I see now that didn’t help. But we’ve been together a little over a year, and I knew him for several years before that. Until now I didn’t see signs of anything like this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/08/21 01:21 AM
47

I can see why you’d say that, but in this case it’s definitely false. He almost always does and is usually very attentive and considerate in bed. That’s why this was so weird.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 12:43 PM
3

I’ve experienced this in a similar form: asking about what hobbies I’d participate in with him. This is reasonable to a point but there’s a limit. When we’ve already matched on 4 maybe don’t grill me on the specifics of whether I’d do extreme hiking with him?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 06:24 AM
8

Things like this really show that to many of them we’re just objects.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 06:20 AM
6

Don’t blame yourself! They can be so manipulative. At that age you couldn’t have known.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 06:18 AM
30

It’s kind of a cliche, but the worst are those who don’t have a good father figure. Yet “daddy issues” are reserved for women...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 05:50 AM
18

Absolutely. My theory is that attractive men who are insecure are that way because they know their personality is shitty and/or they treat people like shit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 05:46 AM
30

On a related note, it’s interesting to me how some men are quite vain/workout obsessed but don’t do the basics of going to the dentist or doctor for regular checkups, or even to deal with more serious issues.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 05:41 AM
32

This is spot on. The funny thing is if they didn’t have this mentality they could be a good catch. It’s ridiculous how they shoot themselves in the foot that way. Why can’t they just be normal?!?! We women do so much to improve ourselves and the vast majority of men act in such a way that I’m constantly surprised they know how to tie their shoes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 05:37 AM
7

In my experience you’re completely right. The insecurity really controls them and it’s awful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 05:34 AM
169

There is nothing I hate more than men with partners who insist on keeping other women around for emotional labor. It’s completely self-serving. “We can still talk” sounds like they think THEY’RE the prize (WTF) but is really just them freaking out about losing the source of emotional labor. I’m in my 40s and have been dealing with this shit my entire life. I’m literally on the verge of blocking and deleting all men other than my dad and uncles. ETA: OK, I do hate pedophiles and rapists more than…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 05:22 AM
19

OMG being a man is soooooo hard. Whatever. They’re paid more and held to lower standards than women. Any man with this attitude obviously lacks empathy for women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/08/21 05:04 AM
2

These kinds of stories are painful and embarrassing to read. Lib gems and the media have pushed poly and threesomes so hard. It’s disgusting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/21 02:07 PM
14

Just be aware that there’s also the forever girlfriend. Some men will SAY they want marriage but string a woman along for years, sometimes the rest of her life. So when you find a man who says the right things, there needs to be a reasonable time limit for engagement and marriage to show you that his actions match his words.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/21 01:55 PM
32

This reminded me of when I matched with a friend of a friend back when I was online dating. He asked what I was looking for. I said a relationship. The conversation faded out. Later heard from our mutual friend that he said “That really turned me off when she said that. Women shouldn’t come right out and say that.” Like he was actually bothered by the idea. So he would have rather I lied. What a tool.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/08/21 01:49 PM
56

Some people (men like this) are just stupid.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/08/21 03:53 AM
3

Society has taught her that men’s feelings are HER responsibility. So sad.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/08/21 04:39 AM
5

Fantastic. Thought-provoking, impactful discussion. Especially appreciated that Gail mentioned 2000 was a real turning point from "standard" porn to violent and depraved porn. That coincides with the change in men I've noticed since then. Also appreciated the criticism of neoliberal feminism. They truly have their heads in the sand.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/06/21 06:08 PM
120

Awful. The first time a man doesn't take seriously you asking him to stop doing something that bothers you...byeeeee.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/21 06:55 PM
62

I bet he would have turned out at least controlling in a relationship and at worst an abuser. Bullet dodged. Every time you start feeling bad about it, flip it and put yourself on the pedestal.
/r/askFDS02/06/21 02:09 PM
14

This is fascinating.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/21 04:54 AM
25

I’m in the same boat, down to it being freeing to realize all this. It’s been one of the top FDS impacts for me. There are just SO MANY coaches and books and programs telling women they have to act and BE different to find a good relationship. And women internalize all those messages and blame themselves. Realizing the deck is stacked against you is sad but also a huge relief. I used to feel like something important was missing in my life. I no longer feel that way and it’s wonderful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/21 04:48 AM
73

The 90s/early 00s really had a ray of hope...then porn, social media, and OLD took over.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/06/21 04:34 AM
15

This is a great point...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/06/21 02:04 PM
9

An ex of mine: “Aren’t you impressed that I can cook?” Me: “You literally made instant rice from a box.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/05/21 06:12 AM
28

This is why I find many male podcast hosts intolerable...some just seem unreasonably pleased by the fact that they can speak in complete sentences. They also tend to be the interrupters. Then when they say something they think is funny, look out world.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/05/21 06:09 AM
24

I wish I had been force fed having really high standards. Many of us were force fed unconditional love, empathy, forgiveness, believing that everyone has the best intentions. And saw dysfunctional examples of relationships. Took me till my 40s to really see men ain’t shit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/05/21 05:55 AM
14

I watched "Swiped" last night. It really shows the hookup culture, and goes into some of the psychological aspects behind the apps (intermittent reward of swiping, the problem with having access to so many more people than you would in real life, how it activates a "short-term relationship pattern" in behavior, etc.). Echoes what a lot of us have been saying about OLD. What's so clear to me, and what's glossed over by the phrase "online dating," is that most men use OLD to hook up. The odds are …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/05/21 05:19 PM
8

It's so true. When I used them I felt sort of like I was just one in a crowd of cattle.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/05/21 05:12 PM
16

I’ve seen the same thing in someone I’ve known 20+ years. I honestly think part of it is diet and part is alcohol, but also just not really MOVING much on a regular basis, just being largely sedentary.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/05/21 05:29 AM
26

Yep. I refuse to watch GOT because of it, and I quit Westworld early on because of the rapey vibes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/05/21 11:47 PM
14

This is an old one, and I almost entirely forgot the plot and if he redeemed himself at all, but Jordan Catalano from My-So-Called Life...had the brooding, tortured, emotionally unavailable dreamboat down to an art.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/05/21 11:38 PM
40

I went to a salsa night once and would never go again without a partner because of all the thirsty men. And dance can be such an intimate activity anyway. I didn't like being that close to men I didn't know. I could sense the subtext coming off of them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/05/21 05:51 PM
34

This poor woman. I found the original post and fortunately the top comments were calling it rape, abuse, saving to press charges. I hope she does. These men are monsters.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/21 08:00 PM
35

These men can't grasp the idea of a world where they're not all-knowing. Their brains are seriously malfunctioning in the logical thinking department. They're delusional.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/21 07:53 PM
12

I used to consider weed no big deal because it was so ubiquitous. But I left a long relationship largely because he'd get high every night and zone out in front of the TV (and I didn't want the constant temptation myself). I don't mind occasional use, but unless perhaps someone is using it for serious pain relief, reliance on weed is a dealbreaker. It says to me that they have to alter their brain just to cope with reality. I'd rather have someone live in reality with me. The last guy I went on …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/21 04:21 PM
36

It's interesting--my initial reaction to this post was "did he cheat before or during the addiction?" But I immediately identified that as a remnant of my pickme days of making excuses for men/wanting to believe the best of them. Addiction is no excuse for cheating.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/21 04:07 PM
20

Wow, those are gorgeous pics. Can vouch for the healing power of creating art.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/05/21 04:01 PM
30

You're so right. I saw an article once that somehow determined his body was the ideal male physique.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/05/21 06:43 PM
120

I feel so bad for her. I can completely see how at that age it would be easy to think it was a good way to make money. The people encouraging young women to do this are predators.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/05/21 01:24 AM
33

I'm in my 40s too and I think you're totally right. Men behaved differently 15-20 years ago. Yes, there was porn back then but it wasn't quite so ubiquitous and not as violent and degrading.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/05/21 02:48 AM
40

It's like they don't think a woman should have standards/requirements. I think part of the problem is porn has conditioned many men to think (whether subconsciously or not) that women owe them sex.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/05/21 02:26 AM
3

Same. I have very light coloring and wearing a bit of eyeliner just makes me look ALIVE. One day I forgot it and someone asked if I was sick. Wearing makeup because I like it is one thing. The "excessive and performative" makeup culture is something different.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 07:40 PM
5

I was criticized for "not trying hard enough" and "not wearing makeup" when I WAS wearing makeup. That guy got swiftly kicked to the curb.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/05/21 07:31 PM
5

Um...this is not entirely true. Sometimes if the man is well endowed the length can hurt the cervix, no matter how turned on you are.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/21 08:31 PM
9

Jesus. This is awful. I know some people can do casual sex and polyamory without issue, but it's heartbreaking to think about all the women in scenarios like this because they're trying to "make their husbands happy." YUCK. There was a Showtime show called Polyamory where the man in one of the couples got a girlfriend. His wife, who was totally into the lifestyle and made herself out to be some sort of polyamory expert, had a legitimate nervous breakdown. Yet it was all about her having to work …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/21 08:25 PM
10

To me this has the ring of a general comment more than a suggestion for a first date. Dude needs to step it up if he wants a first date.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/21 08:11 PM
7

See, I know men who love hiking and are well prepared for it. So they aren't nonexistent. But I also know men who proclaim to love hiking yet always forget to bring water, don't have the right shoes, etc. etc. So basically vet anyone before you go hiking with them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/21 08:09 PM
36

I've seen this too. Not only is it not a great date but it means the man didn't TELL HER ahead of time where they were going. If I'm going hiking I need to be prepared with the right clothing, water (important!), sunscreen, etc. and to get dirty or sweaty. I love hiking but have zero interest in hiking dates until I know someone better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/05/21 08:07 PM
2

Great article. Thank you for sharing. I'm crying thinking of all the women whose situations have gotten even worse during the pandemic (didn't even watch the video yet). Going to look up some organizations to get involved with or donate to.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/05/21 01:33 PM
3

Came here to say this! I used to think it wasn't a dealbreaker but when I dated guys who didn't read we just couldn't connect fully on a mental level.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/05/21 02:15 PM
8

I know men like this. They will literally ruin a woman's life if she stays because years in the future she'll be wondering where all the time has gone, having put her goals for a real relationship and greater commitment on the back burner just to stay with him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/05/21 02:12 PM
28

This. I'd also add that some emotional abuse is so insidious and subtle that there are no signs before it begins. This is why saying there are ALWAYS signs is flat-out wrong.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 04:42 PM
48

Yep. They want to be chosen by someone with high standards/hard to get so they can feel special.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/05/21 12:10 AM
4

Wow, zero harassment from men about this sub until my comment triggered one...he admitted I was right and went on to threaten me. Ugh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/21 07:52 PM
32

Would have preferred it to say “relationships with women or with no one.” That’s part of the movement.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/21 06:28 PM
21

Looks like he might finally be getting the face he deserves
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/21 03:12 PM
19

Gr-oss. I know Franco is an abuser and refuse to watch anything he's in. Affleck gives me similar vibes. He just has a face I don't trust. Plus the whole alcoholism/wah-wah/woe-is-me act in the media last year. Perry just looks like he quit taking care of himself a long time ago.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/21 03:10 PM
26

I'm so sorry that happened! I think part of it is they're so used to seeing women subservient and abused in porn that they expect it when they go outside in the real world.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/21 02:59 PM
12

In case anyone's wondering, America (guessing they mean the U.S.) and Canada are the first and second. (Not that we thought the U.S. wouldn't have been #1...)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/21 01:26 AM
15

Ummm that's awful. I remember reading years ago that the lying down position makes no sense for childbirth because it doesn't make the best use of gravity. This also reminded me of a novel I read (by a man) where he described watching his wife giving birth and said it was like watching her being raped by an invisible man. 🤮
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/21 01:17 AM
76

Or is she the bug being zapped in the LVM lamp...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/21 01:08 AM
7

Great suggestion. Nothing compares to classes, but if there's no studio nearby, there's an amazing YouTube coach (Kit Rich) who does pilates/yoga/cardio fusion. She helped keep me sane during the pandemic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/21 01:06 AM
8

It sounds like talking about the trauma is something you need to heal, but consider that you're putting yourself in a vulnerable position by posting about it on social media. Even well-meaning people can respond poorly. Can you lock down your posts for only a very specific list of people? Or possibly think about postponing more sharing until you're feeling more solid in your healing and the potential of retraumatization is less? I've realized I need to be very careful who I share with. Part of h…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/05/21 12:57 AM
12

So true. Most men are LVM or NVM and most will make the lowest effort they can to get what they want. And they will string women along for years by telling them what they want to hear. (I know men in their fifties who are doing this.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/05/21 03:39 PM
13

I guarantee if a man cheats he's not committed to the relationship and doesn't respect her. That's really all anyone who's been cheated on needs to know. Unfortunately trauma bonds make it harder to leave. And cheating is abuse so unfortunately it reinforces the trauma bond. America also has an insane culture around forgiving cheating and "working on the relationship" with therapy, books, etc. (Esther Perel and the like). Chumplady is the real expert. We know how difficult change is for humans. …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 07:41 PM
19

I'm glad you walked away. Unfortunately I've learned that there's very rarely a way to be "normal friends" with men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 07:33 PM
253

He sounds unhinged. If he's this bad in the workplace he must be even worse in his personal life. He shouldn't last too long behaving like this because it's literally obstructing the work...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 07:30 PM
16

I'm with you. The thrill is gone. Really feeling that. And realizing how much of the thrill about men and relationships has been imagined in my head thanks to social programming! I have several HVW friends who seem relatively happily partnered, but only a few of the men are truly HV. (And after relationships with more than one narc, it takes me a very long time to believe a man is who he seems to be.) I do finally feel like I don't need a man long-term to be happy. I wish I'd had this outlook 20…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 04:25 PM
43

The worship of Bill Gates as somehow a HVM has always made me very uncomfortable. He may talk a good talk (people really fall in love with money + power + nice-sounding words), but he's always seemed slimy to me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/05/21 04:12 PM
2

This is the goldest gold I've seen on this sub in a while.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/05/21 10:26 PM
7

I think you're right. I can't watch that show because that scenario is more possible than most realize and it's terrifying.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/05/21 10:22 PM
5

Love this. #1 Putting the blame where it belongs and #2 Reality check that he won't be better for the next woman.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/05/21 10:16 PM
11

"Unless he's wanking off to her photos" Um, news flash, he IS wanking off to her photos.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/05/21 10:14 PM
70

The men who've expressed dismay/surprise/judgment at me being single are also deeply unhappy in their relationships. I don't think it's a coincidence. I think some people judging women for being single, not having kids, etc. are unhappy with their lot in life, and pretending everyone else should do the same thing they are is a coping method.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/05/21 07:08 PM
16

Same on your last line. I have no tolerance for it anymore. The second a man starts going into "woe is me" or anything like it I'm done with the conversation. Many of them have a staggering lack of self-awareness.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/05/21 06:54 PM
23

I think you're right. Yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk in a knee-length dress, sensible shoes, and a long cardigan, and got LEERED AT by an old man. Not that leering is ever appropriate, but I expect it less when I'm dressed more conservatively. Him, "I want to make it special for her so I'll do it my way." Just manspeak for "I don't want to take your advice because that feels emasculating and I know better because I'm the man."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/05/21 03:23 PM
45

To some of them fun = getting drunk or high. And "I just want to have fun" sometimes means "I don't want any drama," which means "I don't want to talk about any serious things and I don't want you to hold me accountable for my bad behavior and I don't want to hear anything negative out of you."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/05/21 03:20 PM
16

Sigh. I’ve had men call me babe in serious relationships AND in a relationship I thought was serious but he had a second girlfriend I didn’t know about. A friend said some men use “babe” when they’re seeing more than one woman so they don’t use the wrong name. Wise.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 07:35 PM
7

For affirmations, there’s an awesome app called I Am that gives you affirmations on your phone throughout the day. I love it! I think there’s a trial and then a nominal fee. If you’re used to your phone being a “torture device of NVM/LVM” it really helps reframe that.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 04:04 PM
19

Yeah, that is interesting. Just the word "daddy" has that "cute" connotation. Even "father issues" would be a bit more respectful for the woman.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 03:09 PM
18

Oh this dude was in his late 40s. For scrotery age ain't nothin but a number.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 03:07 PM
31

Too true. Last time I got this compliment I said "thank you." He said "And you know it too, don't you?" Well, I didn't go through my entire adult life waiting for him to tell me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 02:36 PM
32

"My ex-girlfriend was abusive!" "My father left me!" "No one would come to my funeral!" "Nobody is happy! Look around!" Fast-forward several months: Oh yeah dude, I see now that you're the abusive one, you blame your bad behavior on your dad leaving, YOU're unhappy so you imagine everyone else is, and I now understand you think no one would go to your funeral because you know you're an asshole.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 02:34 PM
31

I think it's also a way to get you to say "you can't be that bad..." so they feel better and also have an opportunity to dump their emotional baggage on you (free therapy).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 02:31 PM
12

If they can't change their penis size, maybe they should focus on working on the things they CAN change that would make them a good partner, rather than telling women to change their standards. Honestly even if the majority of women like it big there are still women who don't. It's not a crisis, men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 02:24 PM
36

This is a great list, but can we please stop saying "daddy issues"? It's loaded with negative connotations about women and often used for victim blaming. Plus mommy issues can do it too. "Family-of-origin issues" is better. And just living in this modern world can make someone with an ideal childhood susceptible to falling for dusties. On another note, I was stuck at the dentist's office this week listening to soft rock and it was all love songs...I had to actively work to avoid letting myself a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 02:17 PM
5

Yeah. I think we might be just starting to see a change there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 01:56 PM
19

See Blake Bailey for a recent example of this in the literary world. Groomed eighth graders as a teacher, kept in touch with them and raped two of them when they were older. At least his publisher canceled his book’s release.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 04:39 AM
76

Just more proof the only value they see in women is sexual. Objects aren’t supposed to have feelings so they don’t care.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 04:32 AM
22

They are making women mentally ill, till their point their body /mind has had enough. Relentless exploitation & abuse. I completely agree. Women are groomed to minimise their pain & get ready for the next opportunist to hurt them. It’s a cycle of insanity- and it needs to stop. This is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. I've dealt with PTSD after more than one relationship that only in hindsight could I see was emotionally abusive. And society is geared for victim blaming with all the focus on codependence, "rais…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/05/21 03:06 AM
481

I love this. I was raised Christian and the only message about sex I ever got was "premarital sex is evil and you'll go to hell." The only alternative I saw to it when I was younger was liberal feminism. Which has misguided so many women. And this is gold: "Female sexual freedom is charging the highest price for sex. That is, care and commitment."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 07:08 PM
14

All great points, but for some reason I never thought about this one: No subsidized childcare means that, for most people, it's a choice between having a child and ever entertaining the possibility of retirement. That really drives it home.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 07:01 PM
17

My dad was my more attentive parent so I grew up giving men far too much benefit of the doubt and expecting women to be more distant. As a result I had many male "friends" for decades. It took me a while to identify and revise my inaccurate perceptions. Post-FDS I've seen that nearly all of them have trampled my boundaries or worse in some way so I've distanced myself. (I also see I had soft boundaries with them like I did years ago with my dad.) They also expect a crazy amount of emotional labo…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 06:49 PM
117

This is it...the problem with the term "friendzone" is it operates on the assumption that the woman should want to f*ck him!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/05/21 03:49 PM
31

For a second I thought he was flipping off the camera, and then I was surprised he wasn't...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/05/21 10:12 PM
5

I'm so glad you're out! I was addicted to oxytocin and dopamine too. People underestimate how addictive they can be, especially when getting them is mixed in with intermittent reinforcement or a trauma bond. And then all the social programming of women to believe romantic love is the most important thing. No more! Feels good to live a life where my mood isn't dependent on what some dude is doing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/05/21 06:41 PM
3

I freaking hate Disney!! It's a menace to womankind.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/05/21 06:38 PM
3

Yuck. And what's with the pile of clothes on the toilet? Betting the rest of the place is a mess.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/05/21 06:31 PM
7

Good for you, and also, what a slippery snake he was! The late notice, the needing to shower, the not wanting to drive home! Not just inconsiderate but boundary pushing and manipulative.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/05/21 06:15 PM
173

A few of them did say not to marry him. She may have deleted the post in embarrassment once she got the reality check.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/05/21 06:11 PM
43

Women who think any man is better than no man. It's sad.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/05/21 06:08 PM
29

This poor woman is confusing sex with approval, intimacy, and self-worth. :( Of course society grooms us too so it's not her fault. She needs some FDS reality checks. (And why is the fact that men will sleep with most women not widespread knowledge by now??)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/05/21 12:33 AM
80

I've been realizing this more and more lately. On a related note, a man once wanted to show me the first episode of Mindhunter because he thought I'd like the series (I am admittedly into the true crime genre to an extent). I told him I didn't want to see anything involving sexual violence. He said the episode wasn't that bad. Midway through there are (spoiler because it's bad) scenes of the aftermath of the murders of a woman and child who've been sodomized. I made him turn it off. Those scenes…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 11:36 PM
6

Gross. Sounds like a narcissist perhaps...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 07:31 PM
42

The thing about mama’s boys is they’re 1) coddled and 2) doted upon. So when they’re with a woman who expects them to do their fair share around the house they don’t want to. And the doting tends to result in entitlement to be loved and admired no matter their behavior. I dated someone once who had a seemingly good relationship with his mom, which I took as a good sign, but those problems came out later. Plus he had serious laziness/learned helplessness, which was partly from seeing his dad not …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 07:19 PM
46

I knew one who had deep creases between his brows because he refused to wear his glasses so he went around squinting at everything. I talked him into wearing the glasses for a while but I think he quit judging by the depth of the current creases. So ridiculous!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 07:08 PM
66

He’ll cheat on her again. People like that rarely change. I’ve seen men stay with women they don’t want to be with after cheating is discovered just because they don’t want to be the bad guy. She’s gotta get out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 07:01 PM
59

I’ve had a “nice” man tell me I wasn’t “smart enough” for him because I wasn’t a scientist like him. (My career is mentally demanding and not something most people can do without aptitude, experience, and training.) I’ve had a man ask what I did for a living, listen, say nothing, ignore me when I asked him the same question, turn immediately to a man and start talking careers. Later he belittled the industry I work in for no reason at all. I could only conclude he was intimidated and jealous. I …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 05:51 PM
10

So glad you got out of there. But I have to disagree that no one can keep up their mask longer than 4 months. Some can fake it MUCH longer.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 05:22 AM
7

Men have hurt our feelings and worse for ages. Who gives a shit about theirs at this point. Ugh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 05:05 AM
5

That sounds incredibly frustrating. And the fact they think you actually care what they all have to say is pathetic. Then again most men are that way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 05:02 AM
37

And the internalized anger often turns to depression. And then because they don’t want to be an “emotional” woman they dial down their emotional expression to be more socially palatable. Really makes you think about the mental health crisis.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 04:48 AM
24

That’s awful and anyone supporting that behavior is depraved beyond help.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 04:45 AM
26

I think the key is "on dates," i.e., courtship. Men had better manners and there were higher expectations for the treatment of women during courtship. Of course it was very superficial. Once they were in a relationship, marriage, etc., that was a whole different ball game.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 02:37 AM
8

Thank you for posting this. People who think staying helps the kids are wrong. Even in a home without abuse or addiction, there are few things that will fuck up children faster than a bad relationship between their parents.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/05/21 02:31 AM
142

Completely agree, and the emotional rejection by a man you're close to is orders of magnitude worse than a woman simply turning a man down for a date or sex.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/05/21 07:27 PM
45

Jeez! What a rude jerk. Sounds like he's resentful you asked him to do his job correctly and has major issues with women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/05/21 07:26 PM
1

Ah ok. It might be more available in the US but I’m not sure.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/05/21 04:04 PM
17

Yep. And so lazy/entitled/cowardly that they can’t take the simple steps to fix the unhappiness. So they just muddle through in misery (and make the women miserable too).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/05/21 04:03 PM
3

I’ve seen other comments questioning the validity of BPD diagnoses that occur after abuse. (Honestly in my experience with emotional abuse I started to wonder if I had BPD because the symptoms are so similar.) I believe BPD is a real disorder but I do wonder if it’s overdiagnosed/misdiagnosed in abuse victims and just another method of victim blaming women... My heart goes out to you. Have you tried EMDR? That has really helped my CPTSD.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/05/21 12:28 PM
12

You hit the nail on the head especially with that last line. And it really is all about what they can get in the scenario...like a parasite.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/05/21 09:50 AM
28

Oh I know they’re not my friends. Post-FDS I figured that out. You are right that the bitching of LVMs is abuse!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/05/21 09:40 AM
6

No! For one thing, if you know you have BPD you can seek therapy and work on it. Those who are undiagnosed or not doing anything about it are more dangerous in relationships. Maybe a disclaimer is needed to avoid labeling all people with certain disorders as LV. (I also wouldn't say people with OCD are automatically low value either.) And I'm so sorry you went through that...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/05/21 12:02 AM
2

Good for you for seeing him in his LVM nature! This is slightly off-topic, but i just want to say something about alcohol since you mentioned it... I've found alcohol very detrimental to my ability to vet men. (Seems like you had no problem evaluating the situation so it doesn't apply to you here.) Even one drink turns on the "fun times!" switch in my brain and dials down the analytical side so I miss a lot of clues important to vetting. Because a lot of those clues can be so tiny or subconsciou…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 11:56 PM
16

Yep. Without "gossip," bad behavior would rarely be revealed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 11:45 PM
14

One of the most tragic things in the world to me is all of the trafficked women. If anyone knows of any organizations that are doing good work to change this, please post. I know there are several but I tend to get overwhelmed vetting charities.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 11:36 PM
8

Send him straight to hell. Or prison.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 11:33 PM
17

Ugh. We gotta change how we raise and socialize men. I have a friend who worked 60 hours a week in a hospital. Her boyfriend stayed home with the kids but did nothing but smoke weed and play video games. She ended up having a nervous breakdown. She was never the same. :( NVM/LVM are the biggest risk to women's health.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 11:32 PM
32

I’m sure that’s a big factor. But I don’t believe anyone physically abuses anyone they don’t at least dislike. So maybe my comment should have said dislike rather than hate. And plenty of men could beat up smaller, weaker men but they typically don’t. I’m sorry you went through that with your family.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 12:14 PM
14

It’s so crazy because we’re taught to believe the responsibility lies with us. I’m appalled at how long I thought it did.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 12:10 PM
21

I agree but this was right by the beach. However I did see another shirtless guy yesterday nowhere near the beach who had no business taking his shirt off. So yep good point.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 12:07 PM
3

Scraggly beards or solo mustaches or soul patches (eww), weak chins, out of shape, unhealthily muscular, too polished/shiny (well groomed is important but I just don't like the super clean-cut/metrosexual look)....and of course baby dicks.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 02:15 AM
24

This is sooooo true and explains my last relationship. Also why I cringe at women making huge gestures for men (proposing, gifts, etc.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 01:58 AM
18

Thank you for saying this. I'm trying to call it whenever I see a possible hint of the mentality that our actions bring bad behavior out of any men but NVM/LVM.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 01:54 AM
3

Oh that makes sense now. I was like they bought a house together with no commitment?? LOL
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 01:49 AM
11

I heard that voice once! It said "He's a snake." Next time I'll listen.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 01:47 AM
12

Good post. Also want to point out that of the (many) narcissists I've come across, they ALL started out with sob stories, which make you empathize with them and drop your guard. Beware of people who lead with sob stories and/or a victim mentality.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 01:44 AM
102

Same. I saw a good-looking shirtless guy on the sidewalk today and thought "Ooh...but his brain...who knows if it matches the outside." Killed the attraction. That's a new thing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 01:37 AM
117

It's rare that I see a very attractive man in real life. It's almost like the personalities of the vast majority are starting to show on their faces. Hmm... There's a quote, something like "By 30 you'll have the face you deserve."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 01:36 AM
173

To me the violence is proof of how many men don't respect and actively hate women. If it was just about violence why wouldn't they beat up their male friends, for example? Nah, it's about hating women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 01:33 AM
20

I don't see how they're contradictory... When I hear "love doesn't conquer all" I think of things like incompatibility (in life goals, values, personalities, etc.), personality problems (personality disorders, untreated mental health issues, etc.), addiction, abuse... Love is not going to change those things. I think of "If he wanted to he would" in the context of treating a woman well early in dating and then in a relationship, proposing marriage if it's on the table, etc.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 01:26 AM
7

I see the point you're trying to make here, but I don't understand "he bought a house with her on video chat"...do you mean he HELPED her buy a house?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/05/21 01:24 AM
31

On a related note, the libfems' encouragement of hookup culture/women hooking up just like men has UTTERLY SPOILED recent generations of men. When most women don't ask for more from men, men learn they have NO REASON to do better. This is one of the top reasons we're in this mess.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/05/21 05:47 PM
43

I'm tired of this too. The messaging is incredibly damaging, especially to girls and young women. I would really like to brainstorm some ways to reach and empower girls before they start making bad decisions. It's almost like we need a high-profile global movement of some sort. (On a more selfish note, I used to love music videos but I find now I have to be so careful because so many are filled with degrading pandering to the male gaze.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/05/21 05:41 PM
29

In some spiritual/new age circles (in larger cities in particular) there are men's groups and workshops focused on being better men. However these are the same circles that push spiritual bypassing, believe in polyamory as an "enlightened" lifestyle, support kink, BDSM, etc. So I find it hard to believe those attitudes don't infiltrate their mentality.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/05/21 05:31 PM
64

Nail on the head. I had no idea how common this was until I started seeing it in real life. The unfortunate thing is the women are in SO MUCH DENIAL because they've been brainwashed into believing in happily ever after with NVM/LVM. Men who do this are incredibly selfish and parasitic. I'd even say sociopathic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/05/21 05:27 PM
74

Awesome! This made me think about how much men are socialized to make the least amount of effort to get what they want. He may be interested but why lift a finger when she was doing all the work for him. And women are socialized to go above and beyond and do whatever it takes in relationship situations.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/05/21 05:20 PM
18

Whattt...awful. I have serious problems with that show. So many people love it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/05/21 05:25 AM
69

I had one who used to mimic me with that voice under the guise of joking. It sounded nothing like me. I figured out it was just a way to minimize me and make me feel disregarded.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/04/21 09:59 PM
16

Is that why there are so many of them running around... story checks out.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/04/21 09:58 PM
61

“Is this a global problem or just where I reside?” It might be global. But it’s not a problem.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/04/21 09:56 PM
2

I’m going to put the last part of that sentence on my refrigerator as a reminder. 😆
/r/askFDS30/04/21 06:57 AM
4

OMG so many of the bad decisions in my life about men were because I made allowances for “complexity.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/04/21 06:07 AM
1

This is such a great point. I’ve gotten back into a hobby that’s pretty mentally demanding and it’s definitely helped me strengthen my logical thinking skills and stay out of fantasy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/04/21 06:00 AM
1

I saw myself in this. Except it was my mom. That, combined with the media trope of the distant, emotionally tortured man who just needs the right woman to unlock his love, really set me up. I shudder to think how young the cultural messages start.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/04/21 05:58 AM
13

Dr. Jessica Taylor in the UK surveyed 20,000 women and found 99% had been subjected to violence including assault and rape. The study is released tomorrow. More on her Twitter.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 04:35 PM
21

Yeah. I think they just want others to commiserate with like the other commenter said. I have a friend with kids who said “OMG you should have one! In some other countries they pay single women to do it!” I’m not in those other countries. Then another friend who’s a mom has been honest and real about how much work it is and how it’s way more than she ever imagined and women should think twice. I have the utmost respect for her directness.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 03:05 PM
18

Men like this: “Your only job is to perpetuate the human species and serve a man and children and if you don’t you’re SELFISH.” That’s literally what they mean. Never mind that there are way too many humans on the planet.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 03:01 PM
47

I was thinking about that show the other day and how he had an affair of sorts (I don't recall the details) with one of his younger clients. At the time I was like "Ooh la la, Gabriel Byrne is hot" but post-FDS it's just gross because of the power dynamic and age gap.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 01:05 AM
20

Yuck! The presumption...he just assumes you want to get to know him? I've had men wink at me at work, touch my bare leg (!!), resort to harassment and stalking when I turned him down, ask me to dinner as "friends"/for emotional support after a rough life event and hint about his interest, add and then re-add me on Facebook after I declined, and that doesn't even touch the love-bombers/narcissists... It's difficult because there's an inclination to feel "safe" at work, and men often have an act g…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 01:00 AM
10

In my experience they either get married or crash and burn horribly. Seems like there's no middle ground.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/04/21 12:53 AM
8

So true, and the "spiritual"/new age community especially pushes trying to understand those behaving badly so you can have empathy with them in order to forgive them...it's out of control. Spiritual bypassing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 04:21 AM
475

It's also a good way to become a forever girlfriend because the man wasn't into you enough to ask you out himself and won't be 100% committed. Seen it more than once.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/04/21 02:56 AM
65

Sounds like they want a "cool girl" as an accessory.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/21 07:02 PM
9

Good plan. I’ve lost all interest in the apps too. You mentioned creative writing—I’ve also found so much fulfillment in that. It’s like my top anti-LVM activity. Lately I’ve started looking for feminist lit mags.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/21 03:29 PM
34

Exactly...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/04/21 03:22 PM
8

Even though society’s attitude toward single women is enraging, this thread brings me joy because so many of us are seeing through the bullshit.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/04/21 10:20 PM
13

I get this too from all sides. And they’re so baffled that I’m single. Next time someone asks me if I’m seeing someone I’m gonna say Yeah, a therapist to recover from all the shitty men. 😆
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/04/21 10:06 PM
80

I think it’s lack of empathy. They want what they want from the women and literally don’t care at all that they’re wasting the women’s time. They’re also afraid of change and losing the benefits they get from them. So they stay and wait for the woman they do want to marry. They’re parasites.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/04/21 05:47 PM
27

I’ve seen men like this in their 50s, sadly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/04/21 05:44 PM
43

Good point. When I googled choking assault it said it’s a precursor to murder. Which of course it is. We just have a society brainwashed to associate it with kink. 😡
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/04/21 04:28 PM
70

OMG, this is awful. I'm so sorry. That was assault. He should be in jail.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/04/21 03:29 PM
6

I see this so much at work...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/04/21 05:01 AM
38

I went 50/50 for WAY too long. I want my money back now. 😆
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/04/21 04:55 AM
21

I'm so sorry your therapist made things worse. When I was looking for a therapist I narrowed it down to those offering EMDR and specializing in treating trauma, and then I looked for the key word "abuse." I don't know whether I just lucked out, but the one I found is pretty knowledgeable about narcissistic abuse. I would just ask them directly if they have expertise in narcissism and narcissistic abuse. Possibly mentioning the "two types of narcissism" could be a good way to gauge whether they k…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/04/21 05:08 AM
3

Thank you for sharing this. As hard as it is I'm glad you're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. You sound strong, capable, and resilient. I'm in my early 40s and I definitely get the shattered feeling. Decades of brainwashing have lifted, and there is a kind of mourning that goes with it. I can only find relief in the fact that at least now I know the truth. And it has made me start thinking about little ways I might be able to help younger women. (And EMDR has worked wonders for me--gla…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/21 08:32 PM
3

Thank you for mentioning the potential problems with the codependency thing. I think people are way too quick to label women especially as codependent. I think abusive relationships can bring out certain behaviors that look like codependency, but that doesn't mean the person is codependent in general or that it's a flaw to be fixed. Looking at your patterns is necessary, but I find going too deep into the codependency theory can lead to blaming yourself when the problem was the abuser. And I've …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/21 08:25 PM
11

I had thought I was with a bad man because I had "picked wrong." No. This is what the vast majority of men are like. Most women who are in relationships are tolerating insane levels of disrespect and abuse and many don't even realize it because this behavior is so normalized, even the mental health profession is largely blind to what is going on. I thought it was my fault too. I went from thinking I picked wrong to thinking I had to "fix myself" to attract good men. A lie perpetuated by the coac…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/21 08:17 PM
41

The bad men are afraid they'll be labeled bad men. Because they know they are. But it's easier to be outraged at us for daring to label them. So the outraged men and the insecure are outing themselves. Good men won't be outraged.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/21 07:54 PM
30

This sounds like he's just naming things about a specific woman he no longer likes...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/04/21 07:45 PM
30

Trauma therapy. EMDR has helped me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 05:54 PM
79

Just tell them Covid has been linked to erectile dysfunction. They'll take it. Many men are so arrogant that they think they're smarter than everyone else. That's the problem.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/04/21 12:34 AM
29

Yes. The last of these men I tangled with would mention his ex when he was drunk. Sometimes with nostalgia, other times with resentment, and once he called her the c-word. He said she was abusive. (They had an on-and-off relationship for several years. Red flag.) He turned out to be the abusive one.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/21 10:03 PM
14

So true. Once in a while I see comments implying you have to act a specific way to "make" a man treat you well. Sure you can get better treatment out of a man that way for a while, but his treatment of you will always eventually reflect his core character and whether he's a NVM/LVM or HVM.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/21 05:44 PM
26

I've experienced this too. Dream Girl = "you must be perfect in my eyes." When you show you're human, they get resentful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/21 05:40 PM
38

The biggest reason is they want what they can't have. If they had what they wanted, the reality of a relationship would be too much of a kick in the nuts for them. This way they can fantasize about a "perfect" relationship because they don't have to do the work of being in one. Secondly, they (might) realize what they had when it's gone.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/21 05:38 PM
30

The other poster is right but FDS tends toward a U.S.-centric view on this. I can see how it would be different in different countries.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/21 05:32 PM
12

I think your examples are probably the norm, but I do know one man on the autistic spectrum (high-functioning) who has a heart of gold and is more HV than most neurotypical men I know.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/04/21 03:51 AM
4

A lot of what you wrote resonates with me, although I'm older and looking back at two decades of mostly LVM/NVM. I would say though that it's more like ~80-85% of men, not 99%... That still leaves some good ones. The point of FDS isn't to swear off men forever and rule out relationships with them entirely (unless that is truly the point someone is at), but to build confidence and make ourselves first in our lives, decenter men, and take off the rose-colored glasses so we can weed out LVM/NVM and…
/r/askFDS22/04/21 01:58 AM
27

"Not like the other girls" writ large. Blech. "He never really liked you anyway" = it wasn't the girls' fault he left.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/04/21 11:39 PM
32

Serial cheating
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/04/21 11:37 PM
15

She missed some spots...well, and the man himself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/04/21 06:26 PM
10

The Allen v. Farrow documentary mentions how so many of his movies feature age-gap relationships with much older men and teen or 20-something women. It's disgusting. Thankfully more people in Hollywood are now refusing to work with him. ETA: I think this is going to be one of my new litmus tests for HVM--gauging their opinion on high-profile abusers.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/04/21 04:54 PM
9

People who haven't been there don't understand that it's incredibly easy to get into a toxic relationship because of the lovebombing and manipulation. Mine didn't turn toxic until more than a year had passed. I never expected it and it was so insidious and gradual that I was like a frog in boiling water. I just read an article with a therapist specializing in narcissism who said most mental health professionals aren't trained in it at all. So many can't recognize it when they see it (that's gott…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/04/21 04:46 PM
4

LOL, "a place to punish you in new scenery." Been there.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 11:54 PM
3

EMDR is also a good option for that type of therapeutic work, as long as you find a therapist highly trained in it. It's made amazing shifts for me where talk therapy did nothing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 11:47 PM
58

Yep. Also George Costanza and the monster known as Woody Allen and all the pathetic characters he wrote for himself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 11:27 PM
29

My first guess is that he's someone who would try to follow a woman so he didn't know how to respond. Or he's mad about feminism or the MeToo movement and had a "not all men" moment.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 11:19 PM
7

She's amazing. This is my new anthem.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 11:11 PM
15

"So I'm a jerk?" (I didn't say that.) "You're making me feel like a bad person." (I only called him on his bad behavior...) "But what about what YOU did?" (There's no comparison, and it was X years ago...) "You sound like my ex-girlfriend." (Maybe there's a good reason...)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 07:39 PM
27

Yep. Even without a label it's still a relationship. Much to the chagrin of the men involved.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 07:30 PM
13

They’re everywhere, not just the Midwest.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 03:49 PM
11

This is the best advice on this that I've ever seen. It's not contradictory because a decent man wants to offer you anything he can. Whether you want it or not. So true it hurts!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/04/21 01:58 AM
47

So I wonder if the woman posting that is married or coupled. Did she take her own advice or did she find a man of her own caliber? The last man who called me intimidating ended up being a love-bombing, gaslighting emotional abuser. Guess I wasn’t too intimidating for that. I find it hard to believe any intelligent woman would call a fellow woman intimidating due to her education or career.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/04/21 08:59 PM
51

Had an ex mansplain to me why mansplaining does not exist. 🙄
/r/askFDS19/04/21 02:31 PM
15

That would have been more worthwhile if the text was replaced with the damn recipe.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/04/21 05:27 AM
47

I've only seen negative stories about matchmakers. Honestly the five-figure prices scream scam to me. They don't need many clients to stay in business at those rates.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/04/21 01:19 AM
21

I thought about it but didn't want to ruin my day any more than it already had been... Next time I probably would call them though.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/04/21 10:33 PM
74

Ugh. Always trust the bad vibes. I went for a walk yesterday in a public place, lots of kids around, and there was a 20-something man lying in the grass obviously playing with himself. I said "What the!" loudly so he knew I saw him. This is the SECOND time I've seen something like this in public.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/04/21 07:33 PM
2

I just watched the Cold Case Files on him. I’m sure there are other men like him out there, or in their formative years...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/04/21 05:45 PM
4

I second the rec for a woman therapist and EMDR. EMDR has been amazingly helpful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/04/21 05:40 PM
52

The book Attached says people with avoidant attachment are toxic to those with anxious attachment. More like they're just toxic. I don't think even two avoidants are compatible.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/04/21 01:13 AM
60

Emotional masturbation is the perfect term. Every romantic movie and every celebrity crush works those neural pathways in your brain that prime you to be a pickme and put up with things you shouldn’t in the name of “love” or “tHe OnE.” It’s a racket.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 10:28 PM
5

The "helper" is a facade. The worst men I've known did this.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 06:56 PM
13

Meanwhile women are left with lifelong excruciating trauma just from dating these scrotes while giving them endless empathy and support that they themselves don’t receive in the relationship. That 100 percent. It's horribly unfair. I wonder how much women spend collectively on mental health treatment each year as a result of poor treatment by men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 06:54 PM
10

Some (like narcissists) will even stay in a relationship just because it benefits their image.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 06:51 PM
27

This is important. So many people think only women with low self-esteem get abused. I think these men like to tear down strong women to make themselves feel strong.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 06:17 PM
9

This is a really good point. I used to take SSRIs and while they decreased depression, they numbed ALL of my emotions. I remember many times of telling myself “this is OK” in scenarios with men that were NOT OK. I put up with so much I shouldn’t have because I couldn’t intuitively feel what was wrong. (I acknowledge that anti-depressants can help many people, but they often shouldn’t be a solution for the rest of your life.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 06:12 PM
10

We were brainwashed to be pickmes. It wasn’t our fault.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 05:57 PM
7

Your experience isn’t too far from my own. Cunning is the perfect word for them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 01:48 PM
34

I’m feeling similarly for the first time in my life. Desensitized to all of it. I do feel like there’s an aspect of self-protection to it that I just never had before because I was brainwashed by society! I find myself barely attracted to them at all anymore. That feels freeing. I haven’t sworn them off permanently, but this new mindset is much healthier.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 05:00 AM
28

Whack-a-narc!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/04/21 04:53 AM
28

That’s awful. Therapists have financial incentive to keep a couple together and keep them coming to therapy EVEN IF one partner is beyond help. With serious issues like sex addiction or cheating, the person with the issue needs individual counseling BEFORE couples therapy has any chance of helping.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/21 08:36 PM
17

This is not entirely true. Plenty of abusers and users go after confident women with an HV vibe because it’s naturally attractive and they also want to tear them down. HVW get abused too and it has nothing to do with their vibe.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/21 06:40 PM
14

Yep. I have a male “friend” who said “I can’t believe no one has married you yet! I feel so sad for you!” WTF. I asked him, “How many good men do you know?” He said, “I know a couple!” LOL. This man is a highly educated extrovert with a wide social circle. If he only knows a couple...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/04/21 06:35 PM
7

"Listen to what men want in a partner," he says. LMAO! Half of them don't know what they want or are in denial about what they have to offer. A HVM looking at FDS would try to understand because he has empathy rather than tear it down.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/04/21 09:55 PM
35

Yep. They'll also use any woman as a placeholder and string her along for years with no intention of moving in or marrying her. Just faking it enough to keep her hoping. The woman holds on because she believes in the fairytale of happily ever after.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/04/21 05:42 PM
34

This is SO true. And usually the man is faking remorse and will cheat again.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/04/21 05:40 PM
20

What is their basis for saying it’s the wrong kind? Many of the feminist subs are run by men. They’re willfully confused.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/04/21 06:31 AM
29

I’d say FDS is more like far left criticizing center left. But it’s tricky to draw comparisons like that because feminism doesn’t really fit into the political spectrum quite that neatly.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/04/21 06:25 AM
8

Some similar questions/themes were touched on here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFDS/comments/mkv7dj/just_because_i_was_a_pick_me_doesnt_mean_i/ I'd also like to add that many men don't respect women. Those men may act HV for one woman and LV for another, but their HV act for one woman won't last because a foundation of respect is required to maintain it. Would also suggest thinking very critically about the men in your past and whether they were HV or LV.
/r/askFDS15/04/21 03:47 AM
10

Narcissists don't love themselves. That's why they tear others down. The persona of loving themselves is fake to cover up their deep insecurity.
/r/askFDS15/04/21 03:39 AM
19

This is exactly it. A HVM will not treat any woman poorly. The more effort it takes on your part to get a man to treat you well, the more likely he's LV. I also think the idea that we teach men how to treat us doesn't give the full picture and is a bit victim blaming. You can do everything right, vet vet vet, and a man can turn out to be abusive, for example.
/r/askFDS15/04/21 03:37 AM
10

That movie was awful...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 10:39 PM
26

Yeah, they just want to say "not all men" and "men have problems too." Instead of actually talking to other men about their bad behavior or otherwise taking a stand. My empathy for the average man has been way too high most of my life. No more.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 10:37 PM
155

I'm only halfway through but had to come here to share this brilliant bit from the episode: "Is it really consent when women have been raised to have weak boundaries, have been punished their whole lives for advocating for themselves and conditioned to prioritize men's pleasure?"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 08:38 PM
94

I think she misunderstands that watching porn isn't about wanting different sex acts in the bedroom...it's about the thrill they get from seeing different women perform them. As in NOT their wives and girlfriends. It's pretty simple.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 07:08 PM
3

Yep. My dad wanted a divorce "BuT tHe BIBLE sAyS dIvOrCe Is WrOnG sO i'M cOnFLiCtEd!" He stayed for 10 more years while openly cheating on my mom and blaming her.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 06:18 PM
4

I don’t think this is automatically a red flag, but it’s also age dependent. How old?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 06:33 AM
17

I was just reading about him. If I recall correctly, he was engaged twice while he was in prison.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 06:26 AM
19

I've been reading about narcissism for months but the accuracy of this made my jaw drop. I understand his behavior now...it was all about power. And it was relatively subtle most of the time but still abusive. I eventually learned not to react, which I think frustrated him more because he couldn't have his little power trip.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 04:47 AM
36

I firmly believe this is a thing. From your garden-variety LVM to the ZVM narcissists.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 04:34 AM
155

The number of women killed by their partners is appalling. It's a national crisis and almost no one is talking about it. (At least in the U.S.) The focus is on women protecting themselves instead of the deep issues causing this depravity in men. I don't buy the "it's the testosterone" excuse. It's testosterone combined with a sick society.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 04:30 AM
114

Eww. My dad said something like this once too: "I don't like you being alone with boys because I know how I felt around girls when I was a boy!" As if he thought it was funny, which just made light of the whole thing. Unhelpful. I didn't get the right message because 1) it was a laughing matter and 2) boys were apparently just like my dad.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 04:19 AM
15

There was a site that did this several years ago (Don't Date Him Girl). The few lawsuits against the site owners were dismissed. The thing is, anyone suing for libel has the burden of proving that what's written about them is false. This is how people are able to publish tell-all books without legal ramifications...because the events are true. So I don't see developing a website or database for this as an impossible feat. With the way the Me Too movement is outing so many high-profile men for ba…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/04/21 12:32 AM
74

One way you won’t find HVM: by looking for them. Because looking for them still puts them too high on your priority list. And then you’re likely to assume a man is HV too early simply because you want to believe it. I basically assume all men I meet are LV or worse now until proven otherwise.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 09:50 PM
20

Came here to say this, that crushes are dangerous. They completely cloud judgment. Women project their society-induced idea of “the one” onto men who turn out to be LVM or worse and ignore all kinds of red flags thinking she or “love” can change them. The result is years wasted and in worst-case scenarios mental health destroyed. (I used to have crushes and have seen it happen to others.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 09:42 PM
20

I know men in their 50s who do... And it was becoming the norm when I was in college circa 2000. The culture is sick.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 08:23 PM
34

Flashback to finding folders of porn on my ex’s computer in my 20s: Oh, so that was NOT normal.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 08:21 PM
60

You did the right thing in saving yourself. Leaving is difficult enough that many people in your situation can’t bring themselves to do it. You’re a strong person for leaving. The infidelity subs are full of people trying to make it work with porn addicts. It’s a losing battle and they’re miserable. Many would consider a lot of what he did cheating (OnlyFans, the hookup sites, etc.). I’m convinced porn has rotted the brains of men. They’re so far gone they choose fantasies over the real women in…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 06:08 PM
5

Speaking of murder... Anyway this totally overlooks the fact that the ratio of HVM to HVW in the world is very low. For that matter so is the ratio of attractive men to attractive women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 06:02 AM
16

Wow. That was brilliant indeed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 04:14 AM
32

That’s fantastic but where is it from?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 03:58 AM
77

I think about these things too. A friend of mine has found her 9-year-old son watching porn. I found this: https://www.culturereframed.org It’s an organization founded by anti-porn activist Gail Dines that has programs for parents. Maybe you could stealthily suggest it without saying their son is problematic.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 01:58 AM
7

Nope, it's actually more widely available now. There are clinics in major cities that do injections and infusions, and there's a ketamine nasal spray that some insurance plans cover. There are also a couple companies licensed in several states for mail-order sublingual ketamine.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/04/21 12:37 AM
5

Exactly. We were in the modern romantic love cult! Men can say NAMALT all they want but do they do anything to prevent their fellow men from being like that? Maybe a rare few but it’s hardly the norm. They just say “Well I’M not like that” and go on their merry way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 10:36 PM
2

I think what attachment theory skips over is that attachment style is not necessarily fixed and can vary heavily depending on the relationship. I’ve been secure, anxious, and avoidant with different men!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 07:40 PM
19

Good for you. I’ve reached a point where I feel like men have nothing for me. Even when good sex was part of the package it came with a whole bunch of bad things. It’s odd to have literally NO drive toward men. Kinda feels like the “dream” about men and love just went poof and I see most of them for who they are.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 06:08 PM
14

That would be ideal, though they’re both fairly expensive and ketamine isn’t yet widely covered by insurance.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 05:08 PM
62

I used to rationalize OLD by saying yes there are a lot of no-good men on it, but all it takes is ONE good one! But the problem is it’s so hard to find the few good ones among the bad. Last time I signed up I got hundreds of matches. Trying to sort through them was a part-time job. I also noticed a few trends: 1) men way too old for me sending me messages, 2) men married or in relationships asking for “discreet” arrangements or threesomes, and 3) men who clearly didn’t read my profile before mes…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 04:45 PM
16

That wasn’t my point. The woman in question wants them so it’s a time waster for her. However I see how it’s not clear.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 02:31 PM
52

Or cheat or dangle marriage and never follow through.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 12:32 PM
107

This is a fantastic idea. I’ve found EMDR therapy and ketamine injections to be immensely helpful. EMDR to overcome the trauma and reduce triggers, and ketamine to get distance from the negative emotions and “reset” the brain to stop rumination.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 12:30 PM
23

Absolute truth... I've told almost no one in my life about my last experience with a so-called man because I feel like they would somehow blame ME.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 02:22 AM
54

"He cheated on me for more than half of our relationship and he doesn't want to get married or have kids but we've been together X years and I lOvE hIm"
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 02:20 AM
19

I feel like we can partly blame George Costanza/the writers of Seinfeld for the ubiquitous nature of the bumbling idiot trope...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 02:16 AM
24

You might be onto something... The covert narc I know was upset when his elderly neighbor passed away. He didn't even know her. It was just the IDEA of her dying that disturbed him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/04/21 02:14 AM
38

LOL one of my exes used disinfecting wipes as body wipes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 07:16 PM
41

What a disgusting poor-man's Prince-looking wannabe. Predator vibes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 07:15 PM
242

I read this as "It's exhausting having to pretend I'm a decent man."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 07:13 PM
43

This makes me so sad and I'm sorry that you and other disabled women have to deal with it. There's a quote, something like you can tell the health of a society by how it treats its most vulnerable. You can tell so much about men from what you've shared.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 07:11 PM
65

I can't watch James Franco in anything anymore. Feeling the same about Rogen now too. I'm so glad that women are speaking up about these predators/abusers. The boys' club WILL be dismantled and they WILL be held accountable. This is just the beginning.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 07:04 PM
22

This is true. Last one I had the misfortune of dealing with was cheating on his gf for over a year. She found out and he said “Why is my life so complicated for no reason?!” This dude is FIFTY. (And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 03:24 PM
15

That part really grinds my gears... I had a man tell me once "you're basically the whole package, but you could be warmer."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 02:51 AM
25

No Christians I know would consider a handfasting ceremony equal to marriage.... Did her parents actually give the OK or were they just like oh honey whatever?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 02:36 AM
14

I remember having no issues with male doctors when I was a teenager because I thought EvErYoNe HaS gOoD iNtEnTiOnS and WhAt'S tHe DiFfErEnCe? Absolutely makes me shudder now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 02:32 AM
50

Awful. I hate these predatory age-gap men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/04/21 02:27 AM
51

I think it’s funny that “dying alone” is somehow the worst fate according to him. More like they’re afraid of BEING alone. Hmm, if you can’t stand your own company you must suck as a human. Speaks volumes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/04/21 12:36 PM
538

“I am exhausted all the time.” Boo freakin hoo. Did he not understand that raising a human is hard work? She was perfectly clear that she wouldn’t be involved. He did this to himself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/04/21 12:31 PM
32

Yeah, I don’t like this mentality at all. I know that many men will settle down when they’ve decided it’s time to. Think that explains it more than “he changed for the right woman.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 11:16 PM
23

I know four married couples who met via OLD...unfortunately three of the men are LV in my humble opinion.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 08:06 PM
5

Yeah and then it turns into “well your SUBCONSCIOUS beliefs” are attracting them and then you have to fix those! So deep psychological work possibly over a period of years is needed to attract just one good man who will treat you right! Nah. I do believe your subconscious affects your life to an extent, but when the game is rigged and most men are LV it’s not your subconscious that’s the problem.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 05:33 PM
8

Yep. It’s the same mentality perpetuating all the books and coaches in the full-fledged industry telling women they attract bad men, they have to “fix” themselves, jump through hoops, etc. before a man will treat them right. It’s ubiquitous. Some men aren’t going to treat ANY woman right.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 05:00 PM
12

Gen X here, confirmed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 04:56 PM
31

There’s a scene at the end of the movie that really bothered me and has stuck with me. When he’s going nuts in the city it’s in front of a billboard (for a strip club maybe) that has a woman with her butt in the air, legs asplay. It’s ridiculous how the misogyny is just there on full display, not serving any purpose in the plot, just a blazing message of hatred for women. I was sitting there like WTF the entire time. ETA: Finally remembered exactly why it was so bad...her face and upper body wer…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/04/21 04:51 PM
28

So glad she left him. As a kid I was petrified of slugs. This has brought that back.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 09:10 PM
5

I think they get off on being a “victim” because blaming everyone one else allows them to say “I didn’t do anything wrong! I’m perfect! Nobody understands how awesome I am!”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 06:19 PM
53

What a psychopath.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 06:06 PM
176

This is SO true. The whining, the mistaking polite listening for sexual interest. And one emotion men are REALLY good at is self-pity. Meanwhile the women I work with work hard and most of the men do half-assed jobs yet still get all the praise from the male manager who hates women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/04/21 06:03 AM
2

Yeah I hate "partner" instead of "boyfriend" too, and find the people using it are in denial about the quality of their relationship.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/04/21 10:24 PM
4

I know that seeing my dad cheat on my mom for years (and tell me about it--thanks, Dad!) made me think poor treatment was acceptable. SMH.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/04/21 10:17 PM
9

Excellent post. I also find that men who bring up "respect" at all are problematic. For example, "I really respect you." It implies they don't respect other women. It implies you've done something right so far but their respect is something they can take away at any moment. Men who respect you don't have to mention the word AT ALL.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/04/21 09:54 PM
17

Excellent. Her Ted Talk is too. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=_YpHNImNsx8&feature=emb_logo
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/04/21 05:22 AM
8

I don't get it on my main page because I only follow very specific subs, but once in a while when I search something seemingly benign it will result in porn.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/04/21 02:37 AM
20

The two men who told me I was their dream girl both ended up being abusive narcs. The higher on a pedestal they put you, the more unrealistic their expectations and the farther you'll fall when they tear you down.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy07/04/21 12:48 AM
7

I see what you mean now. I think what I was getting at is many LVM don’t have it in them to act HVM because their LV is SO low that they simply can’t hold up a HV act for long. Probably the ones who can act HV and maintain it for a HVW are the ones without any huge dealbreakers/major flaws (like addicts not in recovery, narcissists, abusers, untreated/untreatable personality disorders, serial cheaters, etc.). Those with the dealbreakers would actually be NVM/ZVM. So LVM, meaning “average” men wi…
/r/askFDS07/04/21 12:18 AM
13

I have the same question! What is the purpose?? To keep women with bad men?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 07:36 PM
12

All of this but I’m not sure about this: “Once he learns that you'll kiss his ass no matter what, it's only a matter of time before he leaves you for a woman that will challenge him and make him do the work.” I’m not convinced many men want to be challenged that way...do they? I think many like the chase/challenge with a HVW but will just revert to LVM because it’s easier than changing. And this implies “the right woman can change him,” which I think we’re trying to get away from...
/r/askFDS06/04/21 05:53 AM
15

I’ve struggled with this too, but I’ve concluded that LVM will almost always stay LVM. They may act HV for the next woman but will eventually revert to LV. Very rare exceptions might be if they’re both young enough to see the error of their ways and motivated enough to change, or if they somehow hit rock-bottom in life in a way that makes them reevaluate everything (illness, losing everything, etc.). Even then, change is HARD. And the idea that a man will change FOR “the right woman” is just a t…
/r/askFDS06/04/21 05:45 AM
8

That makes perfect sense! For many years I was as emotionally open with my male friends as with my women friends. It took me too long to realize that most of them were mistaking that for intimacy and emotional availability for romance. Every man, I have ever known (unless a man who is gay, except once when I ran into one of my friends who is gay and was drunk), after YEARS of knowing them, or even a short while, has come on to me, told me they had feelings for me—ALL MARRIED or ENGAGED. Same. Th…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 04:35 AM
27

Almost two years ago I had just gotten back to feeling like myself again after dealing with an awful breakup of what turned out to be a situationship with a callous man. One of my "friends" was incredibly caring and attentive through the whole thing--bringing me food, expressing his concern, trying to cheer me up. I had decided not to date anyone for a long time. But soon he was telling me he had feelings for me and I fell for it against my better judgment simply because I trusted him and he'd a…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 04:17 AM
10

This is true. On another note, men will also say things like "I don't believe you love me" or that you don't care about them as much as you say, to manipulate you into trying to prove it. It's a losing battle because if you take them at face value you'll be thinking, if only he could see that I do love him, and trying to show him. So you twist yourself into a crazy pretzel and put up with bad behavior because you're trying to prove you care. Hmm, that guy I just described was initially more into…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/04/21 04:06 AM
38

I sometimes wish there was a way to subtly show FDS support. Like little patches or stickers or something. Then we could find each other more easily in the real world.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/21 10:38 PM
18

I used to think I had a lot of male “friends.” For decades. With time and FDS I’ve seen that the majority of them are LV and interested in more than friendship. Slowly decreasing my presence in their lives has not decreased my quality of life at all. Only two of them have never crossed a boundary with me. I accepted some pretty bad behavior in the past due to looking at them as “friends.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/21 10:36 PM
6

Flashbacks to my mom in childhood...eesh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/21 04:50 PM
583

The last man I went on a date with complained that his ex-wife got “less fun” as the years went by. She apparently lost interest in the music festival scene. They had three kids. I figured there was no way the division of labor was equal.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy05/04/21 07:03 AM
3

Do it!!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/04/21 09:41 PM
16

Also if they are 50 and have never been married or in a long relashionship is a huge bright red flag. Facts.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy02/04/21 09:24 PM
11

Love this!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/03/21 03:36 AM
4

Same. Because we were friends and he'd always been incredibly nice and caring to me, I trusted him. Shouldn't have. It's a mindfuck realizing someone isn't who you thought they were.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy30/03/21 07:23 PM
200

This is a really good point. I don't think attachment style is static. My style has been secure, anxious, and avoidant, with different men. The men were what was changing, not me...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/21 03:10 AM
643

What seems like an avoidant attachment style can also just be emotional unavailability.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/21 02:58 AM
2

This was a great breakdown.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/21 02:44 AM
1

Same...still have some DVDs sitting around. Think I need to burn them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/21 02:41 AM
17

We talk about this all the time, how guys who treat one woman badly, turn into a prince for another, the woman who benefits their situation or who is a trophy they want to show off, or how guys who are amazing fathers or relatives can be trash romantic partners. I also don't believe that a man who treats women badly will magically treat another woman well forever. It's that old "the right woman will change him" story, which we know is not true. "turn into a prince" is a temporary thing. An act. …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/21 02:32 AM
12

Agreed. Plus celebrity culture is all heavily crafted for image and attention, so most of it is FAKE. Hard to draw any worthwhile conclusions about relationships from fakery.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/03/21 02:22 AM
44

Painfully true.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/03/21 05:27 AM
54

This jarred a memory. I was at an event once where a group of young girls (8-10 years old maybe) were doing some kind of folk dancing in long dresses. There was a man standing behind them watching for a very long time (he was just a bystander). He was very focused. Later the photos were put on a website and there were literally 20+ photos of just the girls dancing with that man watching. At the time I thought he was just awkward, but it's always sort of haunted me. Now I think his focus was pred…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/03/21 05:19 AM
41

This is so true. And I swear men have some sort of psychic radar for knowing when you've totally moved on or are about to. They seem to come back when you don't care at all anymore.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/03/21 05:12 AM
3

We were totally groomed, no question. I look at all media now with new eyes.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/03/21 04:59 AM
2

Exactly...NVM and LVM will treat all women poorly. No woman can act in a way to make a man a HVM. The only thing we control is how long we allow them in our lives.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/03/21 04:46 AM
2

I have the same swirl of thoughts. The feelings chart is a great idea.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/03/21 04:39 AM
164

Consensus on the infidelity subs is it's very rare for a relationship to recover and that the cheater has to do real work in individual therapy before even considering couples counseling. They have a name for the infidelity recovery coaches, therapists, books, etc.: the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. The betrayed partner who stays is "pickme dancing."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/21 07:50 PM
164

Your comment made something click for me. I used to think we train men how to treat us and blamed myself for not being a good “trainer.” Like I was mistreated because of my nature. But a LVM isn’t only LV around women who accept poor treatment. With any woman he will eventually be LV. Accepting only good behavior from a man doesn’t make him HV. The only thing we’re responsible for is leaving at the first sign of LV.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/21 06:06 AM
24

I felt the same about counseling, after years of it with no lasting impacts, but it turned out I needed therapy specifically for trauma so I’ve started EMDR. You might look into it if you haven’t already.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/03/21 05:56 AM
4

I think change is possible. But I think younger men (teens and 20s) are much more likely to change than older men.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 08:28 PM
9

I feel the same. The only thing I've come up with is intense physical activity to try to move some of it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 08:23 PM
13

I remember reading once that relationships where the man asked the woman out/did the pursuing ended up lasting longer than those where the woman did. And that most marriages started with the man pursuing. Sounds about right.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 08:20 PM
70

Men will fake relationships that are "good enough" for years as long as it benefits them.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 08:17 PM
6

Same. Liberal feminism is a form of brainwashing. I feel better now that I've seen the light. But I'm angry I wasted so much time. And there are still so many women who don't know better.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 04:32 AM
3

I have CPTSD too. It could be that you need more healing and that dating itself makes you uncomfortable. But my initial reaction to your question is that a feeling of dread without any reason to fear the person just means there's no obvious reason to fear the person. We pick up on so much information subconsciously that our gut knows something is wrong even if we can't name it. "I just sense something off" sounds more like intuition than hypervigilance to me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 04:24 AM
2

This is so true. It's also extra confusing to understand what's going on when the bad feelings are mixed in with good things like great sex, enjoying his company, and moments of emotional connection...but really, if there's an underlying uneasiness, that outweighs the good things because it means something is wrong.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 04:14 AM
1

Totally agree. I so wish that site Don't Date Him Girl was still around. I know they quit because of legal concerns. It's also a challenge if the man you want to speak out against works at your workplace...best solution I've come up with is to write about him in a way that doesn't identify him by name but people could figure it out with enough attention. Anyway, you can't be sued for libel if what you write is true. That was a bit of a tangent. You just got me thinking!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 03:57 AM
2

Probably because it's polite yet dismissive and they just want attention.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 03:52 AM
1

Where/how did you write about it? I've been thinking about doing this myself.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 03:50 AM
25

I agree with most of this but falling out with your family isn't a red flag. Plenty of good people have cut off abusive families.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 03:42 AM
8

Totally agree. Sometimes it takes years. And sometimes the flags are only yellow to orange if he's a very talented mask wearer.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 03:06 AM
21

This guy is so self-involved I couldn't even read all of that. Almost every empathetic "I am on your side" male I've ever known ended up being a covert narcissist or got bitter and punitive once it became clear I didn't want to date him.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 03:02 AM
108

That explains why I couldn't find it when someone mentioned it here the other day! I read her blog before I knew who he was.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/03/21 02:52 AM
1

I think so too. The worst men I’ve met in real life. I like to think that with OLD all you need is to find ONE HVM, but it is like looking for a needle in a haystack.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/03/21 08:01 PM
10

I'm not sure about the over 50 factor, but I find OKCupid's matching algorithm MUCH better than Match's. Although it's now owned by Match too, so it's not as good as it used to be, but still better. On Match I constantly got 99% with guys who were clearly not matches at all.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/03/21 09:31 PM
14

Yes. It wasn’t so much I “knew,” but I wasn’t that attracted to them right away but ended up giving them a chance I later regretted. With two of the most damaging men I’ve known, there was something off about their body language that I couldn’t put my finger on, but I ignored it. The best way I can put it now is they seemed “slimy” or weasely. They ended up being narcissists.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 07:15 PM
3

I’ve been told this too when in reality I wasn’t picky enough.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 07:10 PM
15

They can also seem like very attentive, authentic, considerate friends for a VERY long time (years) but still have the end game of sleeping with or dating you.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 07:08 PM
14

I was also thinking he was into the challenge.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 04:30 AM
12

Ah gotcha on the snow and ice. That makes sense. What I forgot in my first comment was good on you for recognizing potential warning signs, and for sticking to your plan! It's not easy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 02:26 AM
9

This is gold.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 02:05 AM
107

The comments that you seem mature and that you're a thoughtful texter which is rare strike me as the beginnings of lovebombing. Especially "you seem mature" is kind of odd...nobody really has "problems" being around older people. Were those his words? Asking twice about you having time also strikes me as a red flag. Like he thought you'd change your mind? The consistent texting says he's interested. Most men don't put time toward getting to know a women if they just want to be friends. And a HVM…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/03/21 01:58 AM
3

Just a few off the top of my head: We were in Paris and he picked a fight at the Louvre, told me had planned to ask me to marry him there but now he wasn't going to, and he just walked off. Stopped sex to put porn on and jerk off. It was like I wasn't there. Went to the strip club with the guys two nights in a row. We had houseguests that weekend (my friend and her boyfriend). They weren't impressed. Same guy, all of these. Luckily it was a LONG time ago.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/03/21 04:05 AM
25

Hmm, the times I've been severely depressed and anxious were ALWAYS related to a man. Another one of those "so it WASN'T my fault" realizations.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/03/21 02:00 AM
2

I've been watching a man string along a late-30s woman who wants marriage and kids...for three years. He doesn't want either, doesn't even want to live with her. He's 50. Meanwhile he cheated on her for more than half the relationship (she knows it, too). Her "rule" was engagement in year two. It hasn't happened.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/03/21 08:55 PM
50

Recent one: “I’m not just here because you got a [new gadget he was interested in], I’m here because I care about you.” Well gee, I wasn’t thinking maybe he was just there for the gadget before, but after that I was. “I respect you” has also gotta be one of the biggest red flags. Just bringing it up out of the blue is a huge red flag.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/03/21 06:02 AM
102

Yes. My best friend sent me here a year-ish ago when I was in a ridiculous situationship. I thought oh that sounds way too much like "The Rules" (horrors) and "that doesn't apply to ME and HIM." Well here I am. It definitely applied. I feel like I can finally see through all the cultural conditioning and brainwashing and am armed with vital knowledge I wish I had decades ago.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/03/21 05:20 AM
31

If you see a man hammering for more than 10 minutes and still unable to come, run ! He is porn sick. I think the warning sign is more likely men who can't come at all or for hours, not just lasting for more than 10 minutes. Where's the rule that people only want to have sex for 10 minutes? I've known men who typically lasted quite a while (and it was a good thing, not a problem). I figured they let off some steam alone earlier in the day. Maybe they looked at porn, maybe not (I am not a fan of c…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/03/21 05:11 AM
74

Interesting. I'd guess the models had to deal with more blatantly bad behavior by men in the industry early on and learned to be constantly wary of men as potential predators, but the financiers, etc. saw men more as peers as a result of being in school with them and the men were more subtle in their predatory efforts, so the women were more likely to be forgiving...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/03/21 01:18 AM
3

Oh I know that (am in my 40s myself), just wondered if the last year had played a role.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/21 06:00 AM
16

I'm in my 40s and there are marriages falling apart all around me. Just curious, do you think this is a result of the stress of the pandemic and/or people being forced to spend more time together, magnifying problems that were there already?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/03/21 03:32 AM
7

OKCupid used to be the best. Sigh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/21 11:24 PM
2

Yes, most of the time. I feel fortunate for that BUT it's a double-edged sword because you can overlook a lot in favor of good sex. I do wonder if it's because of my age (early 40s) and younger generations are more pornsick than the guys I was dating the last 20 years? Just a theory...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/03/21 12:30 AM
65

Can't agree with this more. Sob stories are now the #1 red flag to me. What I find so unfortunate is that nice guys can keep up an act for so long before you realize who they really are. The early hints are usually very subtle.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/21 04:16 AM
11

I think abusers feel so small and worthless deep inside that looking down on someone reacting to their abuse is a power trip for them to feel superior.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/03/21 01:39 AM
2

I haven’t been diagnosed but strongly suspect I have it. Difficult relationships and/or breakups make it flare up and I end up feeling traumatized, have uncontrollable flashbacks and rumination/anxiety, and I feel like I got hit by a truck. I’m looking into EMDR to start treating it (years of talk therapy did absolutely nothing).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/21 11:10 PM
10

I agree. In my 20s, when my mom told us my grandfather abused her she said “he didn’t do anything to you did he?” I told her no. Now, I don’t THINK he did, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t and I just don’t remember. Her mental health issues were so deep that she didn’t even try to protect us.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/21 11:05 PM
15

I get this too. Guy "friends" getting back in touch after a while will ask so are you seeing someone? Are you marred with kids yet? These are the married guys assuming because they settled down everyone must want to. And then they say things like "It's just so surprising no one has locked you down yet," "I can't believe you're still single," as if there must be something wrong with me, although they know there's not. Not helpful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/21 01:09 AM
8

"It was all a lie." I think that's my new mantra. It really helps to see that it's not my fault.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/03/21 01:03 AM
1

This is so true...when you're generally passive and people-pleasing, the second you stand up for yourself, some people act like you're out of line. It's infuriating.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/03/21 11:38 PM
9

I'd say beware of seemingly HVM at work. They may have carefully cultivated seeming HVM there but their colleagues don't know who they really are deep down. (I've made this mistake twice and they were far from what they seemed. I'm still dealing with the fallout from the second time. Incidentally he began his love-bombing by bringing me chocolate.) I don't believe in completely ruling out dating in the workplace, but you have to be really careful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/03/21 11:50 PM
13

I've had Why Men Love Bitches for years and ignored it for reasons I can't even remember now... Ugh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/03/21 11:33 PM
1

Hmm, strange, I never got a paywall on that site, but maybe they changed it. I'm not sure of a way around it although sometimes opening a private tab works.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/03/21 09:53 PM
6

I feel the same. My mom told me absolutely nothing about men. My parents just told me sex before marriage was a sin. Meanwhile my dad cheated on her and she just accepted it. You're fortunate you've figured out a lot of these things already. It took me until I was twice your age.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/03/21 03:36 AM
3

I want to know where this awful idea of "no judgment" came from. I'm older but it's been around since I was in high school in the 90s.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/21 04:35 AM
7

This comment hurts because it's the truth yet so many of us have been taught otherwise.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy01/03/21 04:33 AM
11

TV and movies perpetuate the idea of the emotionally tortured/rebellious man with a heart of gold. Jordan Catalano from My So-Called Life comes to mind but there are many examples. Wish I could rewind and rip this idea out of my poor teenage brain.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/02/21 06:24 PM
12

I’ve lucked out too in that area and have felt very fortunate...except it often just kept me going back for more with LVM. 🤦‍♀️
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/02/21 07:18 AM
11

The whole story at https://longform.org/posts/dirty-john Pretty disturbing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/02/21 07:13 AM
15

He was wrong and totally insensitive. You’re better off without him. You deserve someone who will respect, cherish, and appreciate you. He’s the one who seems low value. (BTW, I have a friend with autism who also has challenges being around too many people. The people in his life are considerate of this. He’s one of the few HVM I’ve ever known.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/02/21 07:10 AM
5

Seen this twice IRL. In the first instance they had 3 kids, she worked 60+ hour weeks and he did nothing at home but play video games and smoke weed. It literally drove her to a nervous breakdown. She’s never been the same. In the second one he worked but barely paid attention to his kids and they argued over physical punishment. He cheated multiple times and she finally left. He pays a small amount of child support but doesn’t make an effort to see the kids and still has the audacity to make se…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/21 10:43 PM
30

I’m into golf. I had a pic of me on the golf course on an OLD profile and mentioned it as a hobby. A guy asked so do you really golf or are you just trying to impress men? 🤮
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/21 10:38 PM
1

These people are in my hood too. Where the hell did they all come from!?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy26/02/21 04:25 AM
7

Men are known to be more likely to deny their feelings after a breakup and not deal with them. Of course they will catch up with them later. He’s probably just trying to distract himself. Doesn’t mean he really moved on or got over it.
/r/askFDS25/02/21 07:46 PM
38

This made me think of something... The argument that there's something wrong with a woman who attracts bad guys implies that she doesn't attract good guys. That's just not true. There's no "invisible force" that keeps away the good guys. There are just so many more bad guys than good.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/21 10:47 PM
23

And if you start getting more attention than her for any reason she'll do her best to sabotage that and tear down your reputation.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/21 10:44 PM
35

Women that go after a man they know you're interested in just to prove they can get him. Women that sabotage you dating a mutual friend (even when they're clearly not interested in him) because they're jealous you're getting more attention. The two in my life had main character syndrome and first fell out with each other; then I fell out with them. Incidentally they also had the habit of grabbing food off your plate without asking (mentioned on another thread)...once they fought with each other …
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/21 10:43 PM
30

So he literally had 71 years to find someone age-appropriate.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/21 10:34 PM
59

Gross. Last time I was doing OLD I kept getting messages from married guys or guys asking for "discreet arrangements." Even though my profile said open only to monogamy. They just don't read them. One of them had even figured out where one of my photos was taken, and it was somewhere I went regularly, despite no signage...that was creepy.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/21 10:28 PM
6

I think expecting gifts and traveling during courtship from a man is reasonable. Not paying your bills unless perhaps you live together and/or are married. In a dating relationship it would be quite odd to expect my boyfriend to pay my bills... This post reminded me of the long-unemployed roommate I had once who insisted she deserved a man with a net worth of a million (which granted is not that high these days, but she was aiming above her range).
/r/askFDS24/02/21 08:37 PM
26

Unacceptable. And that graphic needs a trigger warning. We need something better than Jezebel.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/21 07:51 PM
11

This is incredibly helpful. I often intuitively know when something feels bad or sounds bad but struggle to put into words why.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/21 07:50 PM
17

I was taught this too by my people-pleasing, image-conscious, naive Christian family that never gave me any advice about men and sex beyond "sex is evil." Meanwhile my parents were miserable together and my dad cheated on my mom repeatedly (and TOLD me about it when I was a teenager). My mom never stood up for herself so I learned to see cheating as normal and putting up with BS as normal. Furthermore my dad was my primary caregiver (mom was in her own little world) so this colored how I saw men…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/21 07:48 PM
28

That's just the number of people who bought from the seller, not that exact item.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy24/02/21 05:16 PM
25

Maybe it’s extreme but I curse at Disney bumper stickers, signs, etc. and just figure any woman obsessed with Disney is brainwashed beyond help.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/02/21 06:09 PM
1

I am now... Did it just go away eventually?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/02/21 06:00 AM
3

That blog is excellent.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/02/21 05:59 AM
7

"too long to break up" makes no sense. It's the sunk cost fallacy. People keep doing the same thing just because they've done it so long. I think most of the commenters in this thread are right. But I know that doesn't make the decision easy. Just know that you deserve better than what he's giving you.
/r/askFDS23/02/21 05:28 AM
99

I've come to this conclusion as well after 20 years of dating. Some women have bad taste in men, but most men are negative/zero/low value. I know more women unhappily married than happily. I've also realized that the majority of my male "friends," some I've known for decades, are N/Z/LVM. I used to blame myself. But every man I've dated has had a serious dealbreaker that wasn't apparent until pretty far in (controlling, addicted, narcissistic, cheated, not over an ex). I'm sure I missed some red…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/02/21 01:35 AM
7

Why exactly did he move? No matter what he moved to, it's very odd behavior to move to a different country from your partner, especially during a global pandemic...
/r/askFDS23/02/21 12:06 AM
14

Your friends and family might be stuck seeing the man as the prize, as society has trained everyone to do. He also could have just fooled them into thinking he's a fantastic guy. It doesn't take much to fool people.
/r/askFDS23/02/21 12:01 AM
47

I'm glad she's admitting this, but it's a raindrop of truth in an ocean of "sex-positive" feminism. More women with public platforms need to admit the harm it's done.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/21 07:29 PM
3

I like your realization. For a long time I thought a man in his 50s who never married or had kids wasn't a red flag--I thought maybe they were just working on themselves like women in that case could have been. But I've realized it's much more likely to find a HVW than a HVM simply because there are more HVW . And it's more likely a HVW never found a HVM than it is that the 50-year-old unmarried man couldn't find a HVW.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy22/02/21 02:41 AM
16

San Diego (especially Encinitas) also has the "spiritual" "woke" poly entrepreneurs. Lots of life coaches and "energy workers."
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/02/21 11:12 PM
22

Compliments that seem like compliments but are actually subtle negs. Him: You're so beautiful. You're like an 8. Me: Thank you... (Internally: why did he say 8? What keeps me from 9 or 10? Why did he give a number at all?)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/02/21 10:57 PM
96

The two worst men I've encountered in 20+ years of dating I met at work. There's a false sense of security and accountability in the workplace. It's easy to assume otherwise but the social connections really don't matter if they're committed to their "good guy" act.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/02/21 05:08 AM
126

That's pretty scary. I remember a man asking my friends and me to help him pick out a tie at the mall once...we were probably 14. We tried to help him, didn't think anything of it (sheltered church girls). He didn't like anything we chose and it seemed like it went on and on. We only realized something was wrong when the salesclerk came over to talk to him and told us we could leave. She knew what was going on.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy21/02/21 04:52 AM
6

It's nonsense. There's a ton of money made on the "heal yourself to attract better relationships" theory. Books, coaches, programs, energy healing, etc. People make a living on perpetuating this mentality. (Side note: The worst men I've encountered made their entrance when I was in a fantastic place in life. It also seems that a common theme in many stories about narcissists and abusers is that the woman was confident and successful and throughout the relationship became a shell of herself. That…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/21 10:32 PM
7

This doesn't take into account how women with high standards end up with men who behave like HVM but months or years later take off the mask and reveal they're LVM or NVM.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/21 10:13 PM
16

Just gonna add "years" to "days, weeks, or months"...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy20/02/21 04:16 PM
1

FDS is more about avoiding LVM/NVM and being satisfied as a single person than it is about dating. The key is that both of those are very important in finding and keeping a HVM.
/r/PurplePillDebate20/02/21 12:13 AM
89

I've come across so many relationship and love "coaches" and "experts" who were all about telling women how to behave so as not to scare away the timid, squirrely men. They're a waste of time and money. Some of them get women literally shelling out thousands. I would love to see a website critiquing their approaches.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/21 07:31 PM
18

I had one with a "crazy" ex...who he was on and off with for 5 years. So it took him that long to figure out she was crazy? Pretty sure now that he made her crazy. He tried to call me crazy (supposedly joking) once and I shut that down right away. (Too bad I let him fly straight through other boundaries.)
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/21 07:26 PM
27

I'm so glad she got out. She knows she deserves better. Glad her friends saw it as well. Her story is very similar to mine with the man I could have married (also left at 29). Over the years I've sometimes doubted my decision. Her story really hit home and helped reinforce that I was right to leave. ETA: He undoubtedly got complacent and was comparing her to the women in porn.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/21 07:21 PM
102

Guessing he had a role in helping her think this of herself...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/21 07:17 PM
51

In a man's mind, a breakup of a woman friend = "now's my chance." No regard for what's best for her.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/21 06:49 PM
6

My dad (and mom) didn't tell me anything about men. I was overprotected but never given the most essential information.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/21 04:21 AM
7

They had better manners and more social accountability in decades past. So the disrespect and depravity was not so apparent. Porn and OLD have fostered the idea of women as disposable and interchangeable objects.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/21 12:46 AM
9

This comment brought tears to my eyes because the idea things could change eventually is such a breath of fresh air.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/21 12:42 AM
29

Wow. He must have gotten the idea from the Justin Timberlake skit on SNL...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/21 12:34 AM
14

I feel the same on all counts. Feels like a filter has been removed from my eyes. It feels somewhat isolating because I no longer identify with most of humanity in this area of life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy19/02/21 12:26 AM
48

So true. They don't really change.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/02/21 07:04 AM
2

That's awful...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy18/02/21 02:54 AM
14

I was banned today too. Someone asked how feminism has benefited men. I said it's encouraged women to have casual sex and thus benefited men. Their response was "we don't allow FDS members to pretend to be feminists here." What
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/21 07:40 AM
11

Thank you for posting. I'm in my 40s and the men I've dated I've mostly met in real life, but honestly they've been no better than what you've found online. The one guy from OLD who I spent a substantial time with lied about being divorced. I do think things were different 15-20+ years ago and men seemed more respectful (I think). I'm guessing porn was not quite as depraved back then (though I can't be sure), and OLD not as popular so men weren't so enamored and spoiled by the abundance of choic…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/21 07:34 AM
12

Oh wow, did not know that about David Bowie...he just fell off a pedestal.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/21 07:21 AM
59

Heartbreaking.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/21 07:01 AM
9

He definitely has that "I'm a charismatic rake and possibly a psychopath" look that attracts some women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy17/02/21 02:11 AM
6

OMG...I just made a chili-like soup and now must make cornbread to go with it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 07:58 PM
22

Whining. Complaining about normal everyday things everyone deals with. Excessive sob stories where everyone else is the problem. It indicates they have low tolerance for the frustrations of life in general and are just unhappy people. Next they’ll be whining about you. In the worst cases they’re also covert narcs trying to get your empathy so you’ll drop your guard.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 06:50 AM
17

Yes. I used to gloss over the warning sign of men having bad relationships with their mothers (mine isn’t great so I felt like I couldn’t judge). But as time has gone on it’s become apparent this is a HUGE red flag. Typically they don’t respect women and their resentment toward their mom will come out in their relationships in all kinds of ways (often that they themselves aren’t even aware of). Also problematic is men who grew up without a father figure because no one taught them how to be a man…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 06:43 AM
8

You’re so right. Okcupid used to be the best by far. I checked it out recently and it’s just weird now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 06:34 AM
11

Pink diamonds from Argyle are insanely expensive. Not affordable for most.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 06:23 AM
17

That’s just...gross. Even a LVM I dated regularly got me an Uber. He knew it was the right thing to do.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 06:20 AM
18

Aww. Right there with ya sister.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/21 06:15 AM
1

French men have a reputation for being players even more than the average man... Sorry you found out that way.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/21 08:03 PM
5

Same...feel like I’m going to slowly drop most of my male “friends” because they’re so LV. I’ve just kept them around due to knowing them for ages.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/21 07:52 PM
18

Parasite is the perfect word.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/21 07:38 PM
28

Same. There’s not a single man in my past I’d go back to. I thought some of my exes weren’t that bad, but FDS has made me see that they were worse than I thought at the time.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/21 07:35 PM
1

We should start using “End him” as a mantra to mean block and delete.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/21 07:13 PM
44

I’ll seriously never look at an Xmas tree the same way again...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/21 09:51 AM
7

Her website is great too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy15/02/21 09:48 AM
6

Eesh. Wow. Yeah, I have a few who reach out when they're on the outs with their partners. There are none I've never had issues with (have had a couple incidents even with the two non-LVM/NVM, but much milder than with all the others). I used to think I had "really good male friends," but FDS has opened my eyes. They're not! And they almost all want more than friendship even when they're taken. I'm reevaluating all the men in my life now.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:59 PM
14

After growing up strictly Christian I gravitated straight to libfem. I was so confused.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:52 PM
21

LMAO. This made me remember a hike I was on once with a group of friends...one guy (friend of friend) found a tree with a hole that looked "anatomical" to him and was joking around about fucking it and vaguely going through the motions. This was an adult "feminist" and "vegetarian" man in his 30s with a college degree. He turned out to be into super-creepy BDSM stuff (like far beyond the "standard" BDSM). So pretty much a man like that will stick it anywhere in an attempt to fills the unfillable…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:51 PM
10

Nah, they're feeling guilty, so to push that feeling away they project onto their partner to make them the problem.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:46 PM
13

Thanks for mentioning the "energy"/law of attraction stuff. It's so damaging and just leads to blaming oneself. I can see how having a positive mindset/good vibes can impact some things, but not the behavior of LVM or NVM.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:45 PM
13

That a man/relationship/marriage is not automatically a prize. That most men are LVM or NVM. Porn and society have conditioned them to objectify women...and to have Madonna/whore complexes. They're not invested in us the same way we are in them. Their lies and manipulation know no bounds. They will literally ruin lives for cheap thrills, their egos, image, whatever...they can fake empathy but lack it. The lies are astounding. They flip-flop like fish out of water. (Has anyone else thought that m…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:37 PM
9

Or to enhance their public image. Some of them are so awful with this that their "love" is literally a lie.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:30 PM
4

Anytime a man says something about wanting to be your friend, he's lying. If he really wants to be simply a friend it will come naturally without him having to say anything about it. If he brings it up he's lying and hoping the "friend" word will get your guard down. ETA: The only man who ever said "I want to be your friend" to me did so after trying to physically restrain me from leaving a party without him (we had literally just met and I wasn't interested whatsoever). I then blocked him on Fa…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:18 PM
10

It started yesterday...had to firmly nope out of looking at social media for a few days.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:13 PM
20

I was raised in a family whose approach was to come up with the best possible reason for a person's bad behavior so we could be empathetic and nonjudgmental. My family still does this to this day. It's a load of horseshit that I'm still digging myself out of.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:07 PM
25

42 here...eesh
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:04 PM
10

Good for you. I blocked several last week. I've been realizing that almost all of my male "friends," even those I've known 20+ years, are LVM or NVM. The two who aren't weren't raised in the U.S., and one is asexual. Hmm...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy14/02/21 11:02 PM
13

This sounds blissful.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/21 11:14 PM
4

There are plenty of men who prey on women in their 30s and 40s too. In fact it's gotten worse as I've gotten older somehow.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/21 11:07 PM
1

I think this is absolutely true. I left more than one of my exes because they were too controlling. These men ended up marrying younger women.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/21 11:05 PM
2

There's an entire book about "settling": https://www.amazon.com/Mr-Good-Enough-choosing-holding-ebook/dp/B005CRVL2C/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8 Haven't read it but sounds like it would advocate giving "nice guys" a chance. Asking women to lower their standards is insane. It's not about giving more guys a chance but about figuring out who won't make you miserable or ruin your life.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy13/02/21 10:09 PM
1

I hear you on this so much... I like the idea of this community.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/21 10:59 PM
3

Thank you for the encouragement. You hit the nail on the head--I wasn't protected. My dad looked to me to parent him by listening to his marital woes. They thought I'd figure out the important things about life on my own or by being raised in the church. Nowadays my mom gets needy and pushy if I don't talk to her regularly--oblivious to the fact that we don't have that kind of relationship where I want to. It almost feels like she thinks she owns me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/21 10:58 PM
2

Advice or no, someone else understanding goes a long way. It's so wrong to burden children with the affairs of their parents. (My dad told me that his therapist told him it was OK to talk to me about such things! I still can't believe it. Wish I could sue her for malpractice.) And that computer game! Wow. Good for you for dumping the LVM. My experiences with therapy have been much the same (virtually useless as far as relationships and men go). As I got older I realized I never had pride or cont…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/21 10:53 PM
2

Yeah, and it's often difficult to point out misogyny because it's so incredibly pervasive. Like everywhere. I see nothing wrong with misandry as long as it acknowledges that rare HVM do exist and it doesn't cause physical harm.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/21 10:46 PM
2

I'm sorry you went through that. C-PTSD is the worst. I'm pretty sure I have it--though there's no physical abuse in my background (that I know of, but there is some doubt), I developed it over the course of difficult/emotionally abusive relationships. Do you do anything to treat it? I've found Trauma Release Exercises, Wim Hof Breathing, and some energy work/reiki to be effective at least to an extent.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/21 10:44 PM
2

Yeah, oddly it was the opposite for me--they weren't really supportive of my relationships. My dad was big on saying make sure you don't marry the wrong person (i.e., my mom was wrong for him apparently)...so I grew up with little faith in relationships and believing the chance of finding a good one was very low.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/21 10:41 PM
1

Dated a guy once who said he was divorced but later it came out that he was separated. I didn't have the strength at that point to end it. Fast forward a few months and he gets back together with her. Found out not because he told me but because his Facebook pic was suddenly the two of them. Then another guy who'd been separated for a year (because of dubious financial excuses) and his every waking minute was dictated by her schedule. I justified it as it had been a whole year and she already ha…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/21 10:38 PM
6

Said he had a "crazy stalker," that his ex was verbally abusive (maybe it was reactive abuse), and called her a c*nt. Actively hated his mom and rarely talked to her. Said the world would be a better place if she died from covid. Told me I wasn't a "regular girl." Judged women as people based on their weight. Defended white cops on the whole. Whined about potential affirmative action measures. Of course this all came out over a long period of time, interspersed with the good qualities he led wit…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/21 10:31 PM
5

Yep. LVM and NVM don't change for anyone. This somehow reminds me of a man rescheduling a first date year ago. He left a voicemail and made a big deal about how he wanted to let me know right away because he didn't want to ghost me. He said "I don't want to start doing that to you...yet." RED FLAG! I was too pick-me at that point to realize it. On the way to our first date I saw a cat hit by a car and mentioned it to him when I got there. He asked if it made me cry. I said no. He said "I can mak…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/21 10:25 PM
9

This resonates. I was doing pretty well last year, picked up a new hobby and revisited an old one, and working out a ton, but this year feels different. I'm tired. And I hear ya on not wanting to talk to people on the phone. I've been feeling more internal and just want to avoid the people in my life who trigger me or aren't 100% supportive of me (this includes family). Of course when I avoid my parents they automatically think something's wrong--couldn't possibly be that I just don't want to ta…
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy12/02/21 10:18 PM
11

Yes...they probably would. One of these men told me he wanted to leave his GF and move to my city to be with me. He didn’t. (Luckily I wasn’t invested.) Once I would have considered him a HVM—not anymore. The other tried to pressure me into sexual contact two weeks before his wedding.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/21 11:09 PM
22

I like it. Recently two married male “friends” asked me (separately) “why did you never get married?” As if 1) it was a given I should want to and 2) I had passed the age to do it (I’m in my 40s but doesn’t mean it’s too late). My reply: “I’m not dead yet.”
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/21 10:52 PM
23

Good points. The last red flag I found via research was he was lying about his age by a good 15 years. Another potential red flag is guys who say they live in X city but are in Y city occasionally but thinking about moving there. Likely they’re hiding something and just want to bang.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/21 07:02 PM
13

A guy asked me out literally the minute yoga class was over. Never even so much as made eye contact with him before that. I told him I was busy and never went back.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/21 06:58 PM
10

I’ve never been in the pool where I live because I don’t want men looking at me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy11/02/21 06:53 PM
43

This is really interesting. It's almost like they take you not being friendly as meaning that you're higher value because you don't make the effort, so they take it as a challenge to win you over. Or maybe being nice makes them subconsciously feel you're a doormat so they don't have to treat you well? So strange. Maybe it all goes back to people wanting what they can't have.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy10/02/21 09:20 PM
17

You make an excellent point. How many women have labeled themselves that way or spent ages in therapy convinced that they were the problem? The story goes that we keep dating “the same kind of man” because there’s something wrong with us. Then society judges us for being single. It’s self-esteem killing. It also shouldn’t be so difficult to find someone compatible for a non-damaging relationship. Maybe there are just a lot of the same kind of man out there!
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/02/21 11:19 PM
33

I blamed myself for years. Always thought I just had to do more work on myself before I could attract a HVM. Even the seemingly HVM men in my past (as opposed to the narcissists and addicts) ended up cheating or weren’t over an ex. Finally starting to see it’s just really hard to find a needle in a haystack.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/02/21 07:06 PM
28

I don’t think it’s accurate to say that all men who’ve had a relationship end are incompetent in their relationships. That ignores the factors of compatibility, how people can change over time, and the fact that women can be bad actors too. Not all relationship endings are the man’s fault. (What about the case of the woman having an untreated mental illness, for example?) The few high-value men I know are in second marriages (of course they are in older generations).
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy09/02/21 06:59 PM
2

Yep. My dad when I was a kid. My male "friends." Men at work. Ugh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/02/21 07:51 PM
13

I'm with you here... The biggest issue for me is lack of physical touch...pets/friends/etc. don't quite fill that need for me.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/02/21 07:45 PM
6

This is correct. It took me decades to realize it because my dad was my primary caregiver so I was more comfortable with men than I should have been, not realizing most had ulterior motives. In my longstanding "friendships" with men, they've all tried to test the waters with me, often when they were in a relationship. My experiences have ranged from sexual advances to temper tantrums because I was dating someone to attempted monkey branching away from their partners. Eesh.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy08/02/21 07:34 PM
47

It's almost like men wrote and produced most of the movies...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/02/21 10:27 PM
49

Yep. An ex of mine used to say "women are crazy and men are stupid." I used to think maybe he was right about the men. But no. They aren't. They know what they're doing.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy06/02/21 03:30 AM
64

"why I should work so hard when women aren't taking notice"... So the only reason he works is because he expects to have a woman to show for it?? It sounds like has not much of an identity. He also doesn't seem to give a single thought to what he brings to the table other than being employed.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy04/02/21 03:13 AM
13

I hear ya. Unfortunately without prior experience and/or FDS principles women can't always tell when men are dangling carrots, future faking, manipulating, and saying just the right things to keep you on the hook. Introduce intense emotions into the situation and you have a recipe for confusion and blind hope on the woman's part.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/02/21 09:28 PM
4

Depends on how old. Older men (late 40s, 50s and above) often don't (but hopefully they have LinkedIn). I also knew a HVM who didn't have social media because he was paranoid about privacy due to some ideas he picked up growing up in Eastern Europe.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/02/21 09:10 PM
8

Thanks for this--those books have been sitting in my room unread for months. Time to crack them open.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/02/21 08:51 PM
13

Wow, me too.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/02/21 08:47 PM
74

I was thinking about this today. There's also the tendency to focus on "love and light"/unconditional love and have extreme empathy for people to the point that you fall all over yourself rationalizing and excusing awful behavior.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy03/02/21 02:32 AM
19

This reminded me of a first date when he for some reason decided to guess that I weighed 110 lbs. Not realizing at the time how messed up that was, I told him my actual weight. He was surprised and said "Huh, well, you wear it well." WTF.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/01/21 11:31 PM
139

The sheer insanity of it is so obvious when you put it that way. Women are competing with women who aren't even real in men's lives. They want the thrills and not a real human being.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy31/01/21 05:57 PM
3

Can you share some titles of the books you read?
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/01/21 06:16 PM
15

I'm finally realizing this and wish I had known it 20 years ago. Thanks Mom for nothing...
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/01/21 06:13 PM
13

I blame society and organized religion, at least Christianity in the U.S. Also Disney. F'in Disney.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy29/01/21 06:07 PM
6

Yes. Once I became aware of narcs I started saving "dead-eye" pics of the narcs I ran into as a reminder. One man I hadn't realized was a narc yet, but I happened to see a photo of him with the dead eyes and got chills. Shortly thereafter his narc qualities were on full display. The eyes have it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/01/21 05:18 PM
25

Good call. I was on a date with a divorced man once who said he married his ex because his father had died and he "wanted a family" but wasn't in love with her. Then there was another who said he married his ex because he'd spent so long with her and would feel guilty NOT marrying her. Of course that resulted in deep unhappiness by both of them and cheating on his part, and he supposedly felt guilty because he had "ruined her life." Yuck.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/21 05:37 PM
2

Many years ago one threw a tantrum and locked me out of the bedroom all night because I wouldn't do Ecstasy with him. Another gave me the silent treatment because when he picked me up from work to drive 2 hours to a concert I still wanted dinner in between (as I had said when we made the plans). We get dinner, he starts the silent treatment, we make it to the concert in plenty of time, and he's still mad afterward and the next day because I wanted to eat instead of starve.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/21 04:54 AM
11

I think a lot of men really drag their feet and have to be reminded to go to the doctor because they just don't prioritize it. Guessing the women making the appointments got tired of asking them to do it.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/21 04:03 AM
3

Well said. Wish I'd seen it 20 years ago.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/01/21 02:58 AM
8

Yeahh...one of the most narcissistic women I know publicly calls herself an empath. She's not fooling most of us. It has also become such a catch phrase in the "spiritual" community that it's basically a cliche and has lost its meaning.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/01/21 11:28 PM
11

She could have any number of reasons for not wanting to go out that day even if she technically available, and they're not his business.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy28/02/20 12:28 AM
3

The #1 problem here is she's acting like MEN are the prize. And literally just sex with any man.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/20 05:53 AM
4

JFC. The show is sort of well done but also downright disgusting.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy27/02/20 05:47 AM
5

Can't upvote this enough
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy25/02/20 10:33 PM
12

He struggled to understand because 1) he's a man and lacks the complete perspective needed to understand FDS and 2) there are anti-man comments on this sub that, while often warranted, are certainly going to be the first thing men notice, even if they don't apply to HVM. FDS is about becoming more aware of the true nature of dating and men, and being less naive and approval-seeking. It seems that trying to talk to most men about FDS falls into the category of the behaviors we want to avoid.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy23/02/20 06:23 PM
7

It's absolutely creepy and inappropriate. Trust your discomfort.
/r/FemaleDatingStrategy16/02/20 11:58 PM
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