Ah celebrity women, certainly you can trust the highest echelon of status whores in the world to give men advice on women. Surely they are nothing less than honest. Or maybe not.
1 ) Call right away. Christina Applegate advises.
Wrong. This falls into needy. Don’t be needy. The money quote: “We’re getting older, and we don’t have time to screw around.”
Yes you are getting older, sweetie, you’ve past your prime and are starting to get desperate.
2 ) Courtney Cox gives us advice on the importance of hands. She says no to long fingernails.
Yes and No. If having long nails was a problem, Mystery wouldn’t have put nail polish on his. Just remember to kino, lads.
3 ) Boxing over yoga or pilates. Padma Lakshmi suggests focusing on manly things. Not bad advice, as long as you understand a woman’s heart.
4 ) Alyssa Milano says women are self-conscious. True. This is why negging, especially with women at the top needs to be done, it does jar them. She wants men to compliment her, keep them backhanded guys.
5 ) Poppy Montgomery wants you to hit on her. Ah the attention whore seeking her ego boost fix. There are two parts to this. You must approach, so do it. Part two is, have game. Notice Poppy doesn’t say you won’t get rejected, just that she likes the attention. You would need to neg the shit out of this girl.
6 ) Tea Leoni: Yes! Honesty! I think I might actually love her. The toilet seat crap is a SHIT TEST. Knew that, but just like hearing a woman actually say it.
7 ) Mariska Hargitay: Likes the fact that men take 12 minutes to get ready. Contra wise: Don’t be afraid to peacock.
8 ) Emily Deschanel: First problem= Date. Don’t date until after sex. Second calling her lady friend is not a good idea, even if you want to disqualify yourself. Go with “This is my Bitch” or Ride, or fuck monkey, or some other endearing name.
9 ) Jenna Fischer on running into your ex. Ha ha ha. Wrong. Now the first thing you do when you run into an ex-girlfriend is not reassure the girl you are with by placing an arm around the girl. No, the first thing you do is instill fear and jealousy in the girl. They want to compete over you.
10 ) Julie Delpy: Be reachable at all times. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Be doing other things, be busy, don’t be accessible all the time. More is not better. More mystery, more of an outside life, the more she will admire you. I suspect Julie is grade A neurotic, but wait, she’s an actress of course she is.
11 ) Maria Bello says women are afraid of commitment too. Wrong, yes they do want you to commit, I have yet to see a woman that doesn’t. As for this line: “we’re not in any rush to quit lusting after young Calvin Klein models.” How is committing going to change this? It won’t.
However, I guarantee if you are in a “committed” (reminds me that that’s the same word they use when they lock you up for mental illness) relationship with Maria, she is going to be over the top in jealous rages if you look at another woman. I am such a sadist, I would actually enjoy that.
12 ) Kyra Sedgwick on her female friends. Wrong. Her friends are your enemies, unless you seduce them too. Her friends are her enemies too (which is why you can seduce them). Don’t let a woman EVER tell you who you can see or be with. That is just another shit test.
UPDATE: cleaned up for readability, Al.
