Most of the “comment of the week” entries are chosen due to their popularity, but some unpleasant ones are worth a second look, too. Especially when they are instructive.

The following comment, posted by “JG,” is shrill, angry and confrontational. The post she was responding to – my recent post on absent fathers – must have hit some nerve. One might see some humor in the over-the-top response, but for divorced fathers it’s pretty depressing.

Here’s the text:

You guys are so wrong, wrong, wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shut the f**k up with your f*cking lies about women!

My father was in my life until I was eight and then got remarried. Then, poof! Gone from my life completely. No explanation, nothing. He had a drinking problem and was averse to regular working hours; thus, he was out of a job quite a bit. My mother held a full-time job the whole time they were married (seven years, and she’s never been out of a job), while his back would magically go ‘out’ every time he got a new job and he would go on several day ‘benders,’ come home drunk and beat the hell out of my mother. And no, that is not a figment of her imagination; I recall a couple of instances from when I was about five.

My mother did not FORCE him out of my life; he just couldn’t be bothered to be in my life later. Oh, and before he got remarried, he blew off several weekends where he was supposed to have me. So no, he didn’t make much of an effort at all.

And not that I give a sh*t what your opinion is of me, but I’m married to a great guy (no he’s not a wimp). We’ve been married for seven years, and have been together for 10. Not that you archaic trogs care, but I thought I would leave my two cents on your crap site, since many of you see fit to go where you’re not welcome a lot.
I’m sure you’ll find a way of blaming my mother, as ALL WOMENZ IS BAD, even the ones who purr and curl up at your nasty, fungi-infested feet and do whatever you want. I’m sure if my mother had just been a ‘good’ woman and made pies while my father brought home the bacon (we would have been out on the street), everything would have jake. Or you’ll blame me because I’m not a boy and don’t have the golden penis between my legs. Enjoy them boys (’cause you’re definitely not men). Hope you will be happy together as no woman with a working brain stem would ever want to be with you. And if by some grace of divine providence you are involved or married, then I really pity your S.O.s How often do you beat them? Did they have a lobotomy before or after they met you? Pieces of sh*t! All of you! Go ahead, bring on your frothy, foaming hate into my e-mail, mad dogs! Bring it on, losers!

JG states that she’s seen nothing of her father since she was eight. She’s been married seven years, so I’m going to assume she’s 30 or above. This means it’s been over twenty years since she saw him, and she only had a short window of time between infancy and pre-adolescence to get to know him. In all likelihood, she can’t really remember what it was like to live with her father, and doesn’t know him from personal experience.

So how does she know what a piece of garbage the man is? Why, her mother told her, of course. He was a drunk, he went on benders, and he blew off weekends with his daughter after his wife ditched him. He was also a wife-beater and lazy bum. We’ve all heard a similar story at one point or another. It’s so common it’s cliché. Sometimes it’s even true, but what always makes me suspicious is when the child never got the chance to see for herself.

My parents divorced when I was very small, and I heard some nasty things about my dad, some of which were true, and some exaggerated. I think it’s unrealistic to expect women not to trash their exes — the compulsion to do so is probably too strong to fight. It’s also unrealistic to expect women not to portray themselves as blameless saints. I have yet to meet a woman who will willingly take the blame for anything serious. This being the case, some degree of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) is probably inevitable in the typical, mother-custody divorce.

PAS is described as follows:

PAS is characterized by a cluster of eight symptoms that appear in the child. These include a campaign of denigration and hatred against the targeted parent; weak, absurd, or frivolous rationalizations for this deprecation and hatred; lack of the usual ambivalence about the targeted parent; strong assertions that the decision to reject the parent is theirs alone (the “independent-thinker phenomenon”); reflexive support of the favored parent in the conflict; lack of guilt over the treatment of the alienated parent; use of borrowed scenarios and phrases from the alienating parent; and the denigration not just of the targeted parent but also to that parent’s extended family and friends

There is one way to limit the damage: let children get to know their fathers themselves. I’ll be eternally grateful to my own mother for never getting between me and my father. I learned the truth myself, and it wasn’t all easy to swallow, but it was enormously important to me. Without it, I think I’d have some serious issues, like JG, who flies into a fury when discussing the subject. It’s almost as though she has a Pavlovian response where her father is concerned.

To avoid psychologically damaging children, significant and ongoing paternal custody should be mandated by law. People who grow up hating their fathers suffer from psychological damage as adults and, as JG demonstrated, their hatred and anger are sometimes turned on others. Sometimes, they turn the negative emotions on themselves.

We all know that fathers aren’t perfect, but it is tragic to encounter someone who is unable to feel any compassion for a parent. My own father was far from ideal, but having an ongoing relationship with him gave me the opportunity to both love him and learn from his mistakes. To deprive children of this advantage is cruel, and to deprive fathers of the opportunity to tell their own stories and redeem themselves is inhumane.