If You Cannot Act Like My Wife, You Cannot Be My Wife

The Outsider:  I know what you are describing, believe me, I’ve been there. You’ve laid a foundation of beta and that’s no easy thing to undo. Especially not in an instant in the bedroom. The point is that every interaction you have with her is an opportunity to start changing it. If she reacts badly to a sexual demand your response is important. You can take it back and fall into the same pattern you’ve established. Or you can let it stand and start building a new pattern.

Listen, it’s probably not going to work the first time. She’s not used to taking you seriously. But hold your frame. You *are* are guy who acts this way. If you neglected brushing your teeth for years, you wouldn’t expect to get everything ship-shape in one day. And the first time you floss it might get worse – your gums will bleed and it will hurt. But if you keep brushing every day pretty soon it will get better.

It’s going to take time for her to adjust, too. But she will, and she’ll be happier. Obviously I don’t know your wife, but it’s a safe bet that she doesn’t really want the role she’s got now. She doesn’t want the responsibility, and she almost certainly harbors a certain amount of contempt for you because you’ve allowed her to take it. You’re not doing your job!

That sex with a sense of obligation is the worst, isn’t it. It makes you feel about this big. Have you considered turning it down? This may be delicate, you don’t want to seem petulant. But it could send a strong signal that this isn’t about her doing you a favor. “Listen, I can tell you’re not into this. That’s cool. Let’s do it tomorrow instead.” This does two things. First, it gives you some control over the situation and shows you’re not just about begging her to ration it out. Second, it builds some anticipation for the next night, which is always good.

(I wonder what Athol’s take is on that idea.)

Reader:  Outsider said…

“Listen, I can tell you’re not into this. That’s cool. Let’s do it tomorrow instead.”

And she says…

“The answer will be the same tomorrow, fuckwit, and the day after that…”

Athol:  I agree with The Outsider’s comment. It takes time, it’s a process, but you can get there.

Barring medical issues, medications and past sexual trauma, everything I talk about in terms of getting your sex life back on track boils down to a few simple concepts.

(1)  If she doesn’t want to have sex with you, it’s because she isn’t attracted to you. Therefore the solution is to become attractive to her in the hope that sex will resume again.   (If it’s a medical issue, medication or past trauma, you have to deal with that as well, or you won’t have much success.)

(2)  If you have become fairly well maxed out in your attractiveness to women in general, and your wife is still not sexually responding to you, there’s nothing else you can do to make her want to have sex with you. . 

(3)  If you wife does resume being sexually interested in you, that’s great. If your wife does not become sexually interested in you, you are in a much better place to find a woman that is interested in you sexually. So either way, you’re still better off for having committed to the process of self-improvement and becoming more attractive to women.

So when she tells you to “go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut,” you’re probably somewhere at the beginning of getting yourself together. In time she may change her mind and become more attracted to you. The correct response is “A simple ‘no’ will suffice,” and to head off to the gym.

When she says “The answer will be the same tomorrow, fuckwit, and the day after that…” the correct response is, “You’re assuming I’m going to keep asking you.”

As unromantic as it sounds, marriage is an economic transaction. The woman sells “wife” and the man sells “husband”. The woman buys “husband” and the man buys “wife”. Part of the job description of “wife” is having sex with her husband. Part of the job description of “husband” is being someone a wife would want to have sex with.

If you keep up your self-improvement, you will arrive at a Zen-like moment where you are acutely aware that she’s getting everything she wants from you, and you’re getting nothing you want from her. Plus you’ll know you’re actually confident enough to leave her and find someone better than her with minimal effort. So it’s an exploitative relationship, you’re on the unhappy end of the exploiting and you can end the relationship at will.

Marriage is by definition a sexual relationship. Never apologize for wanting a sexual relationship with your wife.

MMSL isn’t a magic love potion. I can’t promise she will love you again, or your marriage will survive. I can promise you’ll become more attractive and get your balls back though. At least enough to say when you’re hotter than she is…