I spent most of the day closed in my office. Unlike most days, I actually shut the door to keep her out. Too much pull yesterday – time for some push. After work, I went out and joined her on the couch, but I made a point of being a bit more aloof than I was yesterday. She’s starting to come after me now, just a little. A bit of patience, and we’ll finally be where we need to be.
I’m getting better about expunging the “I’m sorry’s.” They’re still there, but they’re getting less frequent. I’m also doing fairly well at maintaining the definite answers – especially regarding my plans. It’s starting to turn into an endurance battle, since I’m having to forcibly change old bad habits, but it’s a fight I’m just going to have to fight.
Tonight we took a visit to Shit Test City – and though the trip was a little rough and nerve wracking, we came home squeaky clean.
One of the prime examples of the day:
Hermione: [Some minor dissembling that basically comes down to, "don't get pissed at me for asking this" - a good frame to be in] What fictional character would you most like me to be like, and what would I have to do to become more like that character? [slightly paraphrased - she's a woman, she asked it in a much more complex manner!]
Now, this question is nowhere near as random as it may sound. H and I are both extremely fond of fiction in all forms (literature, movies, television, video games, etc), and we’ve had many a discussion in the past about fictional characters that our friends are like, that we’re like, and so forth. However, this question is awesome because it means that I’ve been highly successful in one part of my task. I’ve successfully reframed our relationship, in terms of making her prove that she’s worthy to be with me.
She was a little nervous when she asked the question – but also kind of happy. People reading this will criticize me for manipulating my wife. Indeed, that’s the reason I haven’t done stuff like this in the past. But the reality is, she wants me to do it. She’s all but said so many times in the past. And now that I’m doing it, she’s getting off on it. Oh, she’s nervous as hell about it, too – and a little scared. And I badly want to reach out and reassure her that she has nothing to be scared of. But then, that would ruin everything.
On the other hand, this is a classic shit test. There’s no good way to answer this question. You should be like character X, but you’re not like her because you’re missing feature Y. That descends from the playful spirit of negging into downright meanness, and I won’t go there (even though she’d probably take it from me). From most women, the question would be a true shit test. From her, it’s an honest attempt at self improvement. Still… nobody wants to hear the blunt answers to a question like that.
On the other hand, if I answer “you’re like character Z, and you don’t need to change anything,” it’s a bullshit answer, she knows it, and all of the alpha mojo I’ve been working up for the last few days is totally shot.
My response? A quzzical pause while I smiled and (made obvious with body language) thought for a bit. “No, I’m not going to answer that.” Not the best response to a shit test – but a solid B.
Hermione: Why not?
Me: ‘Cause.
H: Is there a reason?
Me: Yes. A rather good one [I'm not going to fail your shit test.]
H: Are you going to tell me?
Me: No.[subject change]
Again, a solid B. Not the best way to handle it – but orders of magnitude better than I would’ve done last month.
There were a lot more, but I don’t remember them well. The others were all much more minor, and I passed them easily. She’s definitely still thrown off by the new me – but she’s starting to get off on it.
