You’re at a bar or some other gathering place. You walk over and say hello to a girl and ask some innocuous opening question to try to flirt with her. She glances up from her phone or her friend or her drink for a second, quickly pulls her eye contact away, and gives you a two-word monotonic response because she’s not interested. But you’ve got nothing better going on this second, and maybe you can win her over, or maybe you’re just socially clueless and don’t realize how very not interested she is, so you follow up by saying more stuff.
Shit.
Now she’s in a non-consensual conversation. This is even worse than rape.
Okay, not really, but boy-howdy is this annoying for her.
At least when an attacker is pointing a gun at her, she knows who he is and what’s going on. She knows what’s going to happen. There’s a level of certainty there, even if what’s certain sucks a lot.
But an ugly or awkward guy trying to flirt with her? She has no idea what comes next. She tried to subtly signal disinterest with poor eye contact and a short, monotonic response, but he kept going. Now what? If she more directly and overtly tells this guy off, is he going to make things really awkward and start pleading his case? That would suck. Is he going to get rude and angry and make a scene? That would be embarrassing. Is he going to get violent? Probably not. These ugly awkward guys hardly ever have the balls for that. But you never know.
That uncertainty is extremely unsettling. Women don’t have a strong tolerance for risk in general, and this carries over to a strong propensity to try to avoid uncertainty in social situations. We could rattle off many, many examples of this.
But even worse is how disempowering this situation is for her. She’s not strong enough to kick this guy’s ass. All she can do is say words and hope he goes away while doing a minimum of social damage and not ruining her night too badly.
Every second he’s there, he’s stealing a second of her night of fun away. She wants to enjoy her drink, the ambiance, her friends, whatever. Moreover, every second he’s there, none of the other guys in the room are going to come over and flirt with her. She’s missing out on some fun guys she actually wants to talk to thanks to this creep. Worse, what if some of those guys think she’s actually there with him. The very fact that he’s talking to her and won’t go away is reflecting badly on her and hurting her chances.
This affects her standing with the women in the room as well. What if they think she’s with him? Or if not officially with him, what if they think she’s talking to him willingly and entertaining his advances? Him being there and not going away mentally places her in his league in the eyes of everyone in the room.
But if she makes a scene, or if the way she subtly tries to get rid of him causes him to make a scene, now she’s a social spectacle in front of the cute guys and the women in the room.
Essentially, this guy has forced her hand.
Now she has to make a decision, take a risk, and deal with the consequences of her choice. And, as noted above, women have a really bad time when it comes to risk.
Now, she either has to sit and let this guy run his course like a bad cold, hoping he goes away on his own, running the risk that he lingers on and ruins her whole night. Or she can tell him off in a subtle manner and hope he departs quietly doing little-to-no social damage — but that runs the risk that he starts pleading his case or becomes agitated and makes a socially-damaging scene. Or she can tell him off in a highly visible and rude manner, costing her some social points, but making it very clear to everyone in the room that she is not engaged in a conversation with this guy willingly and is out of his league. Though that runs the risk that he responds in-kind. None of these are great options, and they put most of the power in the hands of the guy.
At least if this guy was holding her at gunpoint, she could get some social status for being a victim — not that she’d want that ever. But there is no socially risk-free choice she can exercise when this guy won’t go away on his own. She is forced to either look like a loser or look like a bitch, and this clueless guy is putting her in that place. Doing this to her without her consent. He’s essentially committing social rape.
Couple all of this with the fact that men are just plain stronger than women. Because the average woman cannot kick the average man’s ass for bothering her, a man can stomp all over her social cues and completely ignore her comfort - intentionally or cluelessly - and there’s nothing she can do about it except for the social maneuvers above.
This awkward non-consensual conversation is extremely disempowering. It may seem harmless to the average internet man, who thinks this woman is just a bitch. But to her, this is yet another way ugly awkward guys take advantage of her - and by extension all women. In her universe, these men should have no right to talk to her, ask her out for coffee, ask for her number, or say or do anything that puts her in a position where she must take a social risk without knowing what comes next.
But she must put on a brave face and endure. Because this is the plight of her and all women.
What to do about this, gallant internet men? Have some fucking fun!
Women HATE awkward social situations, but if you’re an attractive guy she wouldn’t mind going home with, some social unpredictability and not being a boring creep is darn near essential. Revel in the discomfort rather than trying to avoid it - at least until you get to the point where you’re touching each other and it’s clear that it’s on. Then, it’s all about the comfort and intimacy.
And if you’re an unattractive guy she’s not into, maybe she’s not going home with you but she can at least be a source of fun and entertainment. Grace her with some social unpredictability anyway and see what she does. It’s good practice for your game.
