In ye olden days, way back when the first two digits of the year were 1 and 9, and the third digit was maybe an 8 or a 9, boys and girls paired off a little bit differently than they do today.
Obviously, back then, there was no internet. So there was no meeting the love of your life online without having to interact with a real-world social network like there is today. The love of your life was very, very unlikely to be a social outsider that at least one of your social circles — friends, family, schoolmates, or coworkers — did not know through some chain of connections. Also, without the internet, there was no tool at your fingertips to meet random strangers that are completely disconnected from all of your social circles for discreet casual sex. You could still have casual sex, but it needed a lot more leg-work.
But besides the absence of the internet, the social atmosphere regarding sex and dating was very different. Heck, in the 1990s, they still taught children primarily abstinence-only sexual education in schools because people were petrified of dying from AIDS. Today, they teach kids the best internet apps for homosexual hookups and which soy-based condoms feel the best for your non-binary partner while still being okay for the environment, or something like that.
So back in ye olden days of the 1980s and 1990s, boys and girls would usually pair off by first becoming friends. After being friends for a short time, they would decide they liked each other and wanted to date. They would go on a few dates to see how things went, and if things went well, they would become boyfriend and girlfriend. It was a very big deal back then if you kissed after your date. A first-date kiss when dropping a girl off at her front door was a super-good sign! You might even get to make out with her by the third or fourth date if you played your cards right and didn’t screw things up.
A girl and boy would be boyfriend and girlfriend for awhile before things got more “serious”. Once you were “serious”, your making out might escalate to more sexual forms of touch. And eventually, you might start having sexual intercourse.
This isn’t to say that nobody had sex early and often back then, or that casual sex didn’t exist. It was just mostly something “bad people” did, and if you did it, you’d hide it from anybody you knew. For example, people might drive to a bar across town to meet and go home with strangers. But this was a lot more work and had a lot more uncertainty than using an internet app, so it wasn’t as common. And most people felt like only “bad people” would go to this much effort to have sexual encounters. (More people did this than most people thought. But it still wasn’t nearly as common as modern times.)
A girl who had sex with a guy too early before she was “serious” with him, especially if she did this with multiple guys, and especially, especially if she knowingly did this with guys she wasn’t officially dating, developed a bad reputation. Other girls wouldn’t hang out with her unless they also had a bad reputation and didn’t care. Guys would make fun of you if you dated a girl like this. Your parents would scold you if you dated her.
A guy who had sex under similar circumstances also developed a “bad” reputation as somebody who would lie and manipulate women into bed. But secretly a lot of women liked guys like this because they were usually good-looking, charming, and the idea that maybe he would let himself become a kept man if the right gal came along was very intoxicating to some women. That said, a girl’s parents would scold the crap out of her if she was seen hanging out with a guy like that, and her friends would whisper mean things about her behind her back.
I guess those were good, wholesome times? They were iconic anyway. So iconic that they used to make movies about them. Nowadays, every single movie is a remake money-grab or some kind of sloppy political messaging. Man… Does anyone remember good movies? Anyone?
Today, while it is still perfectly legal and valid to meet someone using the 1980s and 1990s system where you become friends, date, become exclusive, become serious about each other, then finally start having sex, that outdated system involves long stretches of time not having sex. So it is not required or nearly as common as it used to be.
It is perfectly acceptable in modern times to meet strangers off of the internet, or sometimes in a public gathering place, and have sex the night you meet them. Or to start hooking up with someone you know. Or to start dating someone you meet socially and have sex on the first date.
Some people are still a little bit prudish about this, so most people are discreet enough to restrict their understood casual sex encounters to people from the internet that nobody in their social circles knows so that they will not develop a bad reputation. And to treat all of their other, more known sexual relationships as something under the generic “dating” umbrella. If you’re hooking up casually with someone and your friends know about it, it’s just easier to say you’re “dating” than to explain exactly where on the rubric of casual to serious to super-serious you happen to fall with various people.
So the modern system for sex and dating doesn’t start out with friends, then add dating, then exclusivity, then serious exclusivity, then sex. The modern system starts out with a foggy mix of sex and/or dating that goes on for as long as the couple cares for it to go on. Sometimes, that just means you meet someone and have sex one time, then nothing else ever comes of that. Other times, it means you date casually until one of you decides not to do that any more. Most “relationships” never progress past that stage.
Once in awhile, a couple may decide, after a mélange of sex and dating, that they want to date for real, so they agree to date exclusively. Maybe some of these exclusive relationships turn into love, maybe even marriage one day. Usually not, but maybe.
It’s not quite as iconic and wholesome as the 1980s and 1990s, but it’s what we’ve got.
The internet manosphere includes a lot of men who are learning about the modern system, but who wish very badly that we still lived in the older system.
This often leads to some fun debates about the first date.
Some men will insist that if a woman has sex with you on the first date, this outs her as a slut who is not suitable for a more serious relationship. These are usually the men who desperately wish we still lived under the old system. But remember, under the new system, this is perfectly normal. Preferred even. Advantageous for men who want to know where they stand.
Because when a woman has sex with you, she is taking a risk. She doesn’t know if there’s going to be a second date. In fact, it’s possible there may not be a second date specifically because she’s having sex with you. But she’s doing it anyway, because she’s into you, she’s horny, and she’s showing you that to her, you are worth the risk.
If a woman is not having sex with you, she doesn’t think you’re worth the risk. She doesn’t know if she’s ever going to have sex with you. She might not be into you enough or want that badly enough to ever take that risk. Maybe you can win her over with a few more dates, maybe not.
A lot of men (and women) will swear to you that in that second situation, she likes you more, but that’s bullshit. She likes you less. She is still deciding, making you prove yourself. At least for now, to her, you are NOT worth the risk.
A lot of men (and women) will also swear to you that in that second situation, she is not having sex with you because she is not a slut, and promise you that not all women are like that.
Internet men: All women are like that.
Assume she’s a slut. But don’t obsess about it. They all are, and on the off-chance you found the one girl in the universe who isn’t, it’s on her to prove it, not on you to assume it until you catch her in a lie later.
And her refusing to have sex with you proves nothing. Lots of slutty women refuse to have sex with lots of guys.
If a woman has sex with you on the first date, she is communicating, with 100% certainty, that you are worth the risk. Sure, maybe she’s slutty. Maybe she’s just horny and doesn’t want anything serious with you. Or maybe she wants to be your future wife. All of that’s her deal, not yours. The only take-away you need from that situation is she thought you were worth the risk that night.
If a woman doesn’t have sex with you on the first date, she is communicating, with 100% certainty, that you are NOT worth the risk. She’s not proving she’s not slutty by saying no — lots of sluts have been turning you down your entire life, remember? All she’s definitively proving to you is that on that night, she did not think you were worth the risk. Maybe she still wants to date or something. Maybe she even wants to be your girlfriend one day. Maybe she’s psychotically religious. Whatever. But all of that’s her deal, not yours. The only take-away you need is that you are not worth the risk to her.
It’s 2025. If a woman can have sex with you, consequence-free, and doesn’t, this is a choice. Act accordingly.
