When I saw this morning that Alte’s post of the day was A Day in the Life of Alte, frankly I didn’t pay much attention. No offense, Alte, but most people just have boring lives on a day to day basis. I skimmed it out of curiosity and didn’t really look back. 287 comments later…

No, really, two hundred and eighty seven comments later, I noticed it again. Good lord, I thought, are people really that fascinated with the life of a Catholic black German-American housewife?

As it turns out, not so much. The vast majority of the comment thread was actually a trolling expedition by a commenter named Jane. Honestly, it’s mostly inanity that isn’t even worth the read. This is one of the very few cases where I’m going to recommend that you save your sanity and don’t bother digging through a comment thread at Alte’s place. Usually the comment threads are better than the original posts but this one is just a nightmare.

It’s also, as it happens, a textbook example of one of the most classic feminist arguing tactics. You’ve probably seen it a million times. It goes like this:

  • Step 1: Pick a huge fight by being extremely argumentative.
  • Step 2: As soon as it looks like you’re losing, deploy the “Don’t hit me, I’m a girl” defense.
I’ve seen this one a lot. My sister is an absolute master at it. My sister-in-law is less adept at it but she loves to use it.
Step 1 usually begins with the woman in question stating a principle that of course any right and decent minded person would agree with – nevermind that it might be downright offensive to somebody present. In fact, it’s usually part of the point that it’s offensive to somebody. Then when you begin to argue the point they can turn and claim that you were the one who started arguing. Not them, oh no. You had to go and turn it into a fight, and they really don’t want to fight. Cue batted eyelashes, innocent look, and maybe some tears.
It’s bullshit, of course. They start out with an insulting premise. They throw the gauntlet in your face and then act shocked when you dare to pick it up. Sometimes they genuinely are shocked. In many cases nobody else has ever dared to do so before. This is especially common for women who are smart but not as smart as they think they are. It’s also very common for women who surround themselves with like minded thinkers and rarely find themselves in the company of halfway intelligent people with dissenting views.
The second step is almost never actually phrased as “Don’t hit me, I’m a girl.” A good feminist can’t phrase it that way. It implies that women are weak and really can’t compete with the big boys (which, for the women who employ this tactic, is generally actually true; they’re employing it because they’ve already lost the argument and they know it). It’s usually some variant of, “can’t we all just get along?” or, “why do we have to argue about this?” Sometimes you’ll also see it as, “why do you always have to win every argument?”
There is, however, a way out of the dilemma when it occurs. Call them on it.
First and foremost, don’t let yourself get emotional. That’s their card and it only works in the woman’s favor. Stay calm. Above all do not be afraid of her at this point. If this technique is being used, you’ve already won. You just need to move in for the kill.
Second, do not back down. The people around you will very often pressure you to do this. They are all afraid of her. They’re afraid that she’ll have an extreme emotional outburst if you pursue this any further. If you handle it correctly, she won’t. In fact, odds are very high that she’ll apologize at some point in the very near future.
Third, you must point out the tactic being used. Explain clearly and calmly that she’s upset about a fight that she picked. Point out that this is a very classic passive aggressive behavior, that it’s childish, and that you won’t put up with it.
Fourth, you must explain very clearly not only that you weren’t the one who picked the fight but exactly how she did it. Emphasize that she made an offensive statement early on and point out why that statement is offensive. Make it very clear that you will not sit idly by and be insulted. Also make it clear that you feel an apology is in order.
Fifth, explain that if she honestly wishes to stop arguing she can stop arguing at any point. She doesn’t really want to stop arguing, she wants you to cave and admit she’s right despite the fact that she hasn’t won on the merits. But you believe you’re right, you believe you have arguments to back it up, and you’ll only unilaterally concede defeat if she wins on the merits.
Finally, explain that you will not continue the discussion on these terms. If she wants to debate the points you’re happy to continue. But there’s no point in continuing a discussion with that kind of silliness.
At this point one of two things will happen. She’ll either break down into a tantrum or she’ll apologize. If she goes the tantrum route, it’s time to leave. You can’t control her behavior but you don’t have to suffer through it.
If she comes back with the apology, accept it gracefully - but only if it’s a sincere apology and covers the original offensive statement. Don’t accept anything less. You have now completely changed the terms of the relationship. Instead of you being the one who’s supposed to appease her (like everyone else), she will now be in the position of feeling that she has to make you happy. If she’s hot and you’re single, congratulations – you just won some serious alpha cred for passing her shit test. For everyone else, at least the bitching will quiet down.