When people talk about dominance and social dominance, inevitably women will think “controlling.”
Generally, women do not like controlling. They will often think of an ex that was controlling and shiver with revulsion.
Being controlling is not a sign of dominance, it is a sign of weakness. It is a sign of insecurity.
Certainly a controlling man or women (and there are plenty of controlling women too, if the henpecked, furtive shoulder hunched men in our society are any example) can dominate another, but the one they are dominating resents it on some level.
When someone is controlling, inherent in there is a recognition that their other attributes, their force of personality, their frame is weak. They need to resort to putting the foot down, shaming, nagging, and belittling another to get them to do what they want.
This is true in all relationships, not just sexual ones. Everyone has had an insecure boss that has been miserable to work for.
The bosses people love and admire, the ones that they would go through fire for (and they are an increasingly rare breed) are the ones that can voice disapproval with just the hint of disappointment, the ones that are absolutely confident in what they do, and the direction of their lives and in their relationships.
They can fight, but they are judicious about it and more often than not they fight for their underlings not against them, they will quell problems when they happen and not abdicate responsibility or hope things go away.
People do things for that type of boss, not because they are afraid of him, but because they love him. So to, the women with a truly dominate man do what they want because they love him. This is not to say that fear is not something that makes men and women both more likely to find another attractive (which doing something a little frightening is actually good for a date, like rock climbing, or sky diving), but that it is only a spice, the dominant man does not need to resort to fear or intimidation.
The dominant man does not need to be controlling to get what he wants. He acts, he pursues, he makes it clear what he wants, and he’s confident that he will get it. He is both self aware and other aware.
