Every day I am having realisations of how I got to where I am and what I need to change. TRP this is my story.

I’m 21 and was born around the time my parents got married. My parents would have been married for about 3 years before my mother divorced. Some of my earliest memories are of them yelling at each other. I was raised primarily by my mother and would see my father on Wednesdays and every second weekend until I was about 17.

Throughout this time, particularly earlier, my father was very bitter towards my mother and women. Phrases such as ‘women only want your money’ and towards my sister when she did something that agitated him ‘you’re just like your mother’. I always looked up to him and his opinions, often believing in what he did whether I really understood it or not. What would annoy my mother is when I would take his side in financial situations. He has never been very generous with his money or at least since I’ve existed. It was always awkward to ask for money for sports, school camps, medical related things, etc. Child support actually wasn’t a lot of money. He was great at taking us to low cost or free events though. He made the most of the time he had with us.

He hasn’t been with another woman since. In recent years I have looked at him as the reason for my lack of success with the opposite sex. It made sense right? My main role model who hasn’t been sexually involved with women my whole life. It was easy to lay the blame. My perspective is shifting.

I am becoming aware of my attachment to my mother. About two years ago I moved in with my dad for a year but then moved back to live with my mother. I grew tired of living with my father because of his tendencies and even related with my mother about some of them. She said that there are women out there that would be fine with him but she couldn’t put up with it. He would essentially get home from work and not want to do anything that seemed like a ‘chore’. My mother had her own aspirations for work and didn’t feel it was fair for her to do all the work around the house. This was a big cause of friction among other things.

When I was living there the same things annoyed me. I prefer to live neater, he was essentially lazy after coming home from work and would watch a lot of tv. At first I felt like I sort of became his girlfriend because I would always be doing the dishes etc. It wasn’t too long before I wanted him to do his share and that it wasn’t worth it because the house was always a mess anyway. What also disappointed me so much was that I never got to see him involved with what I was trying to find. Direction, purpose and pussy. i.e. manliness.

I’m understanding it more since learning about TRP. He has found a lifestyle by his choice. I do still see him as an underachiever because he lacks motivation to put effort into a lot of things. But, the simple life is his thing. He’s not lonely he says. I do think he relies on my sister and I more so without a woman though.

It’s easier to get along with him while we’re not living together and we catch up regularly for lunch, coffee, etc. He had been a motor mechanic for 24 years before he decided he didn’t enjoy it anymore, he could be a truck driver and earn a bit more. He still works on my car, which has always been ridiculously convenient. I broke my car recently (blown head gasket), which requires a lot of work. I’ve been making a greater effort to get over there when he is working on it to help and learn. This is what he is ‘alpha’ at. This is what drives my opinion of him from hobo to wizard. He is a wizard at it. He knows so much about car engines and I know nothing. There is a bond that we have in this situation. I’ve somewhat overlooked all the manly influence he has actually tried to encourage me with by a lack of awareness of it. That is why I have resources such as TRP to thank. It brings truth to life. I went to university and finished my degree in graphic design for fuck’s sake. I rarely do anything manly.

Maybe I’ve avoided manly behavior my whole life because I knew how to please my mother. She has always known me to be responsible. I think what that means is adhering to her rules like a ‘good boy’. This has got me nowhere with the opposite sex. I couldn’t work it out. I’m not bad looking, I have a nice car, I work enough to afford nice things, I’ve travelled more than most my age. Now I think that my anxiety around girls exists because I feel the need to hide my truth. Hide anything that I thought wouldn’t live up to their standard or I could be rejected for.

TRP I am your typical AFC / BETA / Bluepill

It’s not easy to change what you’ve been doing your whole life but I’ll make it, one day.

Any advice you feel the need to bring up please do. Thank you.