Shrink4Men feedback: "The only problem I see with the advice on your website is that so many men could claim some of these personality traits applied to their wife/GF at certain points. What woman doesn’t go a little “crazy” now and then?"

kanuk876 · 2009-10-20T16:19:17+00:00

FTA Comments, from a man frequenting Dr. Tara's website:

Finally, Lois, you suggest that perhaps there is a danger about marriage becoming disposable, because we should put up with our partners’ occasional “craziness.”

–For how long?

I lasted a year, and almost KILLED MYSELF. I’m talking SUICIDE. I’m STILL BATTLING THESE THOUGHTS REGULARLY. Why is my life more disposable than a relationship with someone driving me to the brink of death? I’m one of the lucky ones. I got out before marriage, and before children. There are men who frequent this site who’ve been in these relationships far longer than I. I’m talking DECADES. I don’t know how they do it. I don’t know how they’ve survived. They have my utmost respect. How “disposable” is a marriage of this sort that’s lasted that long, because the men have tried everything they know how to do to keep the peace, prove their love, and do everything in their power for their partners? Are they just giving up? Or maybe they’ve finally had enough.

If the genders in these descriptions were reversed, we’d all be clamoring for the poor abused woman to leave, to get out, to get to a shelter, to partake of the billions of charities and legal services out there for abused women. The fact that there are so few resources out there for men in these scenarios makes these men’s decisions to finally leave brave, and even heroic in my eyes. By the time we do leave, many of us are practically spent – physically, psychologically, emotionally, financially, and more.

It’s a matter of survival.

If we thought these relationships were “disposable,” we never would have put forth the efforts we did. We wouldn’t be in the condition we’re in.

We’d be off galavanting around with our next partner.

Like our exes are doing.

kanuk876 · 2009-10-20T15:57:29+00:00

To be fair, I have a book on personality disorders which I could apply to every person in my life, including myself.

WARNING: I use the term "choose" loosely in the following comment, because choice is not always conscious choice.

IANAT, but I believe diagnosing personality disorders is hard: my understanding is not whether there is the presence of an attribute (eg: moody) but, contextually, is this used out of proportion for a normal human. Dr. Tara says, "...these behaviors aren’t isolated, one-time incidents. They’re a pervasive and consistent established pattern of behavior demonstrated across time."

I believe it's central to remember that nobody "makes" anybody feel anything (except, you know, things like physical pain). If someone gets angry/depressed/etc., it's because somewhere in their brain they choose to feel or act that way. (If you take this to the logical conclusion, you get Buddhists who choose to feel bliss perpetually. But this isn't for everyone either.) Speaking from my own dysfunction, a contributing factor is the person may not know any other way of responding. And learning emotional skills as an adult is hard. But I digress...

It's that agency the author is getting at. If your girl/boyfriend is constantly flying into a rage, it's most likely because they choose to fly into a rage. And they choose not to find other ways to relate (because flying into a rage has worked for them).