How do you build self esteem / confidence?

Wavyes · 2016-05-21T17:40:04+00:00

http://www.sharischreiber.com/needlove.html

Read this. You will realize why u think those thoughts, and then you will understand that there's no reason why you should think the exact opposite. Be warned though, there will be feels.

Once u accept that your frame/perception has been influenced by others, it's time you start focusing on your positive aspects and how you can improve. In other words, forgive yourself and others for the cards that were dealt to you, and then proceed to draw the specific cards you wish to live your life from this point on. This will be the foundation of your frame. You must always maintain it. After all, why shouldn't you feel like you deserve happiness if you're a hard worker. Remember, life is short. You're gonna die. What's it matter if you get rejected?

Read the sidebar. Read all the posts regarding 'frame.' Internalize them. And then, stop thinking and dwelling, and instead focus on your mission, being the best version of you. "I must lose myself in action, lest I whither in despair." When you start to feel like your not good enough, realize that you're simply submitting onto other people's frame, rather than them into yours. Therefore stop beating yourself up, and remind yourself that you're a human with needs and wants who works for what he deserves. From this point on, with the knowledge you have and are getting, remember that your life is only to get better.

Cannot emphasize enough how important 'frame' is here. Good luck dude.

MalVortex · 2016-05-21T20:24:26+00:00

How do you get rid of a mindset like this?

It takes a very long time. You won't stop this overnight, you won't stop it by next week. Self-improvement is a forever process, not a goal to mark off on your calendar like grocery shopping. I struggled with thoughts like your describing for most of my life. Hell, I'll still enjoy the occasional pity party. Oh ho ho, my life is so hard! Woe is me!

I suspect everyone will come up with their own answer to this. Your personal demons are yours to conquer. You'll never read something on the internet or a book or late-night infomercial that will suddenly answer your problems and fears for you. It's all internal, and its all 100% up to you to face and resolve. That isn't to say you can't find great resources to help you, but all the information in the universe is nothing without action.

I'd start by actively fighting those thoughts. You need to adopt a mindset that you truly love yourself. You must accept that these negative thoughts - however convincing and real they might seem - are wrong. They are high-speed rail lines in your neural pathways, and you'll jump onto that ride again and again because its easy. Its fucking hard, but you can chose to start to build new neural pathways. Our brains are plastic all through our lives, we can literally rebuild ourselves at a fundamental level through discipline. Respond to every negative self-talk line with a positive thought about yourself, no matter how much you might cringe when you do so.

While you begin to fight this mental battle, start fighting a physical one as well. Get to the gym, start lifting heavy. You wouldn't believe the kind of improvement weightlifting can bring to your life. It will instill discipline, fix posture, build muscle, cut fat. This too is a long-term process, there are no shortcuts. Our bodies and our minds are inexorably linked, far more so than conventional western thought would have you think. IMHO, you cannot have healthy mind without also a healthy body. We didn't evolve as a [brain] riding some sort of [biological mech] - we evolved as singular, continuous organism.

Finally, sit down with a pen and pad of paper. Write to yourself. Write out your flaws, your failures, your insecurities. Write out why you are unhappy. Write out what you think might make you happy. Write out that you won't accept this bullshit state of mind, and that you're better than this. Write out that you love yourself. It might sound silly, but expressing yourself through ink will involve a totally separate set of neural pathways than you're used to using. You might find some clarity and perspective as you examine the pieces of your life in turn. As humans, we live and die alone - you must conquer yourself alone, with your own thoughts against your own thoughts.

Ultimately the choice of how to perceive yourself and how to live your life is 100% up to you. If you are happy being unhappy, don't change a thing. Most people you'll meet in life are quite happy to be unhappy. Changing yourself is simultaneously the easiest and hardest thing you'll ever do in your life.

SovereignWings · 2016-05-21T18:29:45+00:00

Wayves gave you a great post.

The only the I would add is to be compassionate with your thoughts when you are alone. I know from personal experience how easy it is to fall into the trap of self-hate, self-doubt, anxiety, depression, paranoia, etc.

Whenever you are working hard towards a goal you are always going to be interested in seeing that goal reached, and disappointed if you don't. That's OK. But realize that it is just one of many emotions. Tell yourself over and over again - this too shall pass. I will grow. I will succeed.

Don't let any other thoughts have "airtime". If you catch yourself thinking "man I fucked up with that girl I'm such a worthless piece of shit", pause and mentally yell at yourself " STOP". Clear your mind and your brain will reboot. This is the same muscle built during meditation so I strongly advise you meditate daily. It will go a long way towards controlling your negative thoughts.

Once you stop thinking bad things about yourself, something magical happens. You can start replacing that toxic junk with positive self-talk. I'm awesome! I did a thing! Wow I take on so many challenges! That girl totally just eyefucked me right then!

Suddenly instead of beating yourself down you are building yourself up. The difference in the way you feel, and the way you act is tremendous. Good luck.

ronsoness · 2016-05-22T06:07:28+00:00

there are some wise minds at work on this thread. i'll add my own 2 cents.

you should try the self-efficacy route. a lot of esteem comes from our situations in life like how much we're loved by our parents. what you can control is what you can do. self-efficacy means "i can do it" and it's a mindset created by doing things. it also affects self-esteem. so go and pick up some manly skills. change oil. hang a frame. shoot basketballs. it's a slow process, but really there is no fast way to develop self-esteem. we're just trying to do things to convince yourself otherwise. afterall, it's hard to think you're a worthless undeserving person if you can look at yourself and see you're a person who can get things down.

and while you develop your self esteem, you need to start reading self help books. especially social skills. i think if your confidence is lacking, it should take priority over most things. confidence is an investment that will affect all aspects of your life. work, love, family, professional, etc.

Title	How do you build self esteem / confidence?
Author	sancis641
Upvotes	3
Comments	4
Date	May 21, 2016 5:23 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/4kei6u/how_do_you_build_self_esteem_confidence/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/how-do-you-build-self-esteem-confidence.105765 https://theredarchive.com/post/105765

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