This is going to be a really long post, so get ready.

I was a kissless virgin until my collage freshman year. After disposing my past life of being an introvert, and a new social circle to advance, i was able to get a new group of friends where i was atleast respected.

In the freshman year, i met this girl who is in my class, let's call her Amanda. Amanda and i started making out when the group was assembled and we were drinking. It turned into secret meetings with her, making out, all sexual stuff and so on. She and i started a relationship. Let's get clear at this point, i was a beta as fuck. Clingy, needy, emotionally unstable, no perception of life and so on.

I dated this girl for one year and broke up with her at the anniversary of the relationship. I was not able to maintain her submissiveness. I gave every single fuck a beta can give. I gave up on a lot of things for this girl. I now know that that's not how it works. I knew nothing about being an alpha, nothing about AWALT. She was the oneitis, i was the beta. After breaking up, one week later i heard from her that she is talking to someone. She was my unicorn, how could she even do that? Yeah, my eyes were still closed. And we are in the same class, i had to see her everyday. She started a serious relationship with the guy, i was lost, and they are still in a relationship.

These chain of events triggered a big, huge cycle of depression, anxiety, panic disorder. I was fucked up. After consulting with a doctor, i started to take SSRI treatment. I was a bit fat, i lost a lot of weight in this process. Signed up for a gym membership, lifted for two months, got a nice, firm body, left my old flat, rented a new one for myself, alone. No flatmates this time.

Turned one of her close friends into a fwb who had a crush on me year ago, that didn't restore my ego much. I made every single mistake on the book.

Now, here is the thing. I quit my antidepressants with the advice of my doctor, got a little fat back. I dispose girls if they even make one shit-test on me. I do not know if this is the anger phase but, their shit-test irritate me and i next them immediatelly.

After quitting the anti-depressant, i returned to my hometown and this is a great chance for me to go monk mode and get a stable life. In my city, it is hot as fuck, can't workout properly because i start to melt in the first ten minutes of the workout, can't get a gym membership, not enough money. I still think about her time to time, which kicks me in the guts, a little bit of panic attack here and there. Only have one friend here, no social circle. Planning to get my drivers licence and get my chopper (which i always wanted), so i sent my cv to a lot places to buy what i want.

I do not know what the right questions are guys, i still feel lost, and if i keep going like this i feel like old days will return. I need you to ask me any relevant questions and how can i fix any of this. There is always a stronger mind, so i need yours.