Ultra beta male. Grew up super religious - was a virgin until after I was married. Wife stayed home and raised kids (little did I know she was stockpiling money in a secret account for about 20 of a 25 year marriage). She cheated on me (we met during missionary work). I am now divorced. I was bitter and wanted n relationships. After divorce I kept trying to please her : she wanted a trip a far away beach with our kids and I paid for it, she wanted me to pay half her student loans she accumulated AFTER our divorce and I paid it. Most of our sex occured in the middle of the night as it was only then I felt safe to make a move. My mom was a diagnosed narcissist with deep depression - my brothers and I cannot remember any affection from her - cant remember her ever once hugging us or our dad in her 80+ years of life

Going for me : 1) I am very athletic still at 54, its mostly genetics and my whole life I have used exercise as mood control, and I was bullied a lot when I was a kid and began training in my teens to stop it - when I was still in my 40's I once heard some people whispering about whether they recognized me as a pro athlete. 2) educated to a doctorate level 3) part of DGAF about women after divorce Against me : I am lazy and my career often suffers, my dad was a wimp to my mom - its all I have known until my dovirce

After my divorce I went through alot of women because I truly didnt give a damn

My problem : dating a woman who is a mess, but I GAF. I am reverting to being a beta. I have to work monday but she wants a mini vacation with her kids; so I paid for a hotel room at an exclusive resort for her and her kids (without me). Her car battery died and I paid for it.

We have been dating 5 months. She has had bankruptcy, 2 kids from 2 dads (one she was married to). She says she has slept with about 25 guys and I interpret that to mean 40. She had 2 abortions by age 25. Dyes her hair blonde, parents divorced, no tattooos and doesnt smoke but likes to drink tequila. Has gay male friends (the type who of course approve blowing a stranger in a bar toilet). Almost all the classic bullets for being defined as a slut, minus smoking and tattoos.

Her ex's were definately red pills. The type of guys who were often in the ER or police stations for fights. Ex cocaine addicts. When we first started having sex she didnt want or expect any foreplay, just a kiss or two, shove it in and give it to her bareback. She cums easily from intercourse. After being with me 5 months she expects me to do oral each time, its a given - and she is grateful but makes it clear only one other guy ever did oral on her (and he was a cop with a micro-phallus and prostate cancer).

I am reverting to a beta because I honestly GAF

How do I actually change so I can be red pill even when I GAF - and no become beta to a woman who will wreck my life