It’s time for me to man up, oms, and make God, marriage, and Family a priority - so I’m starting here. This is tough for me because I don’t open up, even with friends/family, yet here I am.

I’m not here because things are going well. I’ve built a ship my way and decided who I want on board. However, my boat was built using my plan, not God’s; I haven’t been loving and kind to my crew, and now my first mate wants to abandon ship. I’m at rock bottom.

=Backstory, me=

I found Jesus at 15 years old while I was locked up for petty crimes. During mandatory quiet hour I opened the New Testament and believed everything.

I have PTSD from my youth. Some of it isn’t my fault, most of it is, but long story short I had a bad parent, I took no guidance, and I did whatever I wanted. An angry teenager attracted to drugs and gangs will leave a mess behind, and I did exactly that. My youth created a very hardened man; I am emotionally shutoff.

=My marriage=

Married 10 years with 2 young kids. My wife, a Christian has an incredibly big heart, is kind, generous, and an amazing mother. However, she is very naggy, which I treated as disrespect, so I emotionally shut her off. For several years I would have short anger-filled outbursts during her naggy spells, but over time I stopped being nice to her, and it seemed to work because she became less naggy.

=State of my marriage=

Last week she said it’s time to separate. I was shocked. I never thought in a million years she would divorce me - she’s a Christian after all.

However, she rationalized divorce with her faith via input of a paper Christian therapist and some lesbian podcast. She also began to reject God as part of her process. Marriage counseling wasn’t mentioned, nor did we have any discussions around separating, or have any deep discussions around her unhappiness with our marriage. So yeah, I was completely shocked as we don’t really argue and she isn’t naggy anymore. I asked why she didn’t say something earlier? She was scared I would lawyer up and make her life miserable. Yet she felt emotionally abused and had to leave.

=What I did about it=

When she mentioned divorce I became sad and remorseful of how I treated her; I had no idea I was hurting her. She was surprised that I cared; she had me pegged as a narcissist and was expecting anger. When she didn’t get anger she began to reconsider.

On Sunday we went to Church for the first time since Covid. The message was delivered by God, through our pastor, and geared directly for us. At least that’s how it seemed.

However, my wife doesn’t trust that I won’t hurt her again, thus she won’t commit to me emotionally, and divorce is still on the table.

= My MAP =

I am a bit lost on how to rebuild my ship, so I’m seeking guidance from God.

What kind of ship? I want it built on faith. I want to leave room for passengers outside of my family. If you’re on my ship I want you to feel safe (physically AND emotionally), and taken care of financially.

What kind of captain do I want to be? I want to be kind, happy, and learn how to experience sadness and happiness. I want to take down my emotional walls. I want my family to trust my decisions and follow my lead for happiness.

I also want to be physically fit with enough energy to take lead in house chores, play with my kids, and live a long healthy life.

= Next steps =

Started 5x5 SL. If I feel sexually frustrated, angry, or impatient I’ll do accessory lifts.

Getting me and my family to Church is my new priority.

Bible reading. I am a bit lost on where to start diving in. Probably I’ll start with the standard marriage verses and meditate on them. I have a bad habit of diving into ancient Hebrew/Greek and various manuscripts to seek larger truths, so maybe I’ll just stick to NKJV and let me seek wisdom from the interpretation and leave it be.

Edit: mod update request

• ⁠Mission: Tell us what it is and why you need a woman's help accomplishing it (I'm being serious).

I need affection. Or maybe I just need sex. Other than affection/sex I’m at a point where women are more of a headache than anything.

• ⁠Stats: body fat, height, weight, lifts, etc.

6’2 175lbs. A few years ago I was at 225lb both squat and bench for 5x5 but gave up because I’m a pussy and it was too mentally/physically demanding. I’ve been lifting on/off my whole life. Right now I’m skinny fat - And just started SL 5x5 with 135lbs.

My wife was probably a 7-8 when I married her (on looks) but a 10 character wise. 2 kids later she let her health slip - put on ~30lbs, takes SSRI’s, is miserable, so now she’s probably a 4.

• ⁠Reading: Which sidebar content you've read (RPC and/or MRP). Any other books?

Currently reading MMSLP. Over the past 3 years I’ve had trp, mrp, and this forum on my reddit feed. I’ve been taking time to watch all of Rian Stone’s YouTube content.

• ⁠Finances: Current job and income quality, future prospects, debt issues

IT Architect and make over $200k/yr. No debt other than my house/cars. Plenty in savings. I’m blessed in this area.

• ⁠Spiritual: How mature you are, how often you pray, have quiet times, share your faith, memorize Scripture, evangelism, how you're using your spiritual gifts, etc.

In my 40’s, and pray every day. I am not comfortable sharing my faith, it’s hard for me to do for whatever reason. I haven’t found any of my spiritual gifts. Maybe it could be my scientific approach to studying the Bible but that’s probably more of a curse than anything.