I know TRP is morally wrong and wont provide me with long-term satisfaction, but I don’t want to give up the perks that I’ve gained due to TRP. I know it’s a pseudoscientific term, but before TRP, I was a textbook beta male. I had mainly feminine traits such as being shy, respectful, academic, kind, obedient, awkward. I spent a bunch of time playing video games, I got bullied, I was physically weak and couldn’t even do 1 proper form push-up. I couldn’t even get a text back from a girl besides “lol”, “cool”, “k”, etc. At the age of 15 before even discovering TRP or black pill, I had already concluded that I was too ugly and undesirable for anyone to ever genuinely find me attractive and love me, and my only hope was to get a good education and make lots of money to become a provider.

I discovered the manosphere when I was 16 or 17, and mainly identified with incel/black pill type stuff, but never got too into it. Around the beginning of the pandemic, I started watching TRP content on YouTube. It pulled me out of my docile, incel state of mind, and I started to take it seriously. Despite doing some things I’m not proud of, I did make some progress.

I got DEEP into looksmaxxing theory and greatly improved my looks through changing my hairstyle to one that fits my skull shape, skin care, teeth whitening, mewwing, better fashion, lowering my body fat %, etc. I’ve also analyzed pretty much every inch of my face and I’m getting a minor cosmetic surgery done in a few months, with potentially more in the future. I got a late growth spurt and grew from roughly 5’8” to 5’11”, but I pass as 6’0” and usually claim to be 6’1”. I started lifting and doing calisthenics to get bigger and stronger, then started training MMA.

Despite being raised in a stable, upper-middle class, suburban household, I did what’s known as “thugmaxxing” and embraced the black male stereotypes that I used to despise. I took on the thug persona and I applied my intelligence and technical knowledge to make money from different forms of internet fraud and a little drug dealing, which I used to finance a nice lifestyle while I’m in university.

I’m cringing while writing this because it reminds me that I’m still the nerdy kid that liked to play Minecraft and animate, not the sociopathic Tyrone that I larp as. I want to improve as a person, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying the perks of TRP. I get hundreds of matches on Tinder which essentially gives me an infinite flow of women, I have enough money to afford designer clothes, vacations, expensive restaurants and I’m looking to buy a BMW this summer, all at 20.

For the first time in my life I feel confident with how I look. Despite having some identity issues, I like being perceived as exciting and dangerous, rather than just a boring, “husband-material”, dweeb who will make a good provider at age 35 with his stable STEM job, while my future wife is sleeping around with the type of guys who would have bullied me.

I want to leave TRP and be content with being myself, but I don’t want to give up all the perks, which puts me in an awkward situation that I don’t know what to do with.