First time posting here and maybe a bit of a rant but I can't find any useful resources and my lawyer and the courts don't seem to have answers just threats.

Just finished the legal process of a divorce order and in all that I learned things and got frustrated with many things.

Ex has a masters in education and paused that to raise children with me. I have/had a great career and was blessed with the ability to effectively support the family with a single income. planning retirement, college for (now) 3 kids was not easy but I worked it. With the divorce all that was shattered (obviously) Half my retirement...gone. Almost half of my income going to her. MI has a calculator that calculates child support. I have a lot of misgivings with how it looks like it works but I just kinda accepted that calculations.

In this process I have had to re-evaluate my whole life. Adjust priorities and figure out a new path. I pushed for 50/50 parenting and got close with 46%. My job description actually has 100% travel as part of the requirements. COVID has pushed that aside and I've even worked with my employer to figure out alternate arrangement. Mandatory travel really hasn't kicked in so it really hasn't been an issue (work in IT so I can do a lot remotely). Current economic uncertainty and losing my retirement, I have been "relieved" of any kind of hyper focus on building back my retirement and college funds. Paying for two households, not even worth trying.

My 46% parenting has required me to really learn a lot of new skills (my youngest is 1.5 yrs and oldest 7). Its HARD, but I actually have found some joy in my increased involvement in my children's life. My role as primary "bread winner" has been shattered and now I have no desire to do that anymore. I want to invest in my children, dial back my focus on career and income. It seems like THE only reasonable path.

I'm not going to leave my well paying job voluntarily but I'm personally disappointed with my "performance" with all these recent life changes. I still like the work but its defiantly changed its ranking, priority, and focus for me. For, what I believe, very good reasons.

I've often thought of taking big risks and using my work skills to create my own business but I chose stability and consistency FOR my family. The reasons for that decisions is mostly gone. They don't have stability anymore and nothing is consistent for us. Heck, starting a new business takes a lot of "investment" up front but can pay off really well. I actually think I could do it.

Rant/Questions:

Q1: Its my understanding I can't willfully lower my income in the face of required child support? Ok, so I'm not in control of my own career? I can't take calculated risks that could benefit my children? Before the courts got involved in my family, I had autonomy to do what I want with my body, my money, and my time but now I have a legal obligation to work and produce money for a separate entity (my ex) or face criminal charges and even incarceration? Am I reading that properly? that sounds like slavery?

Q2: I've researched the calculators and how they work. % of parenting impacts the numbers. Income of both parties. Read some info on some of the 1950's assumptions and flaws, etc, but even with the flaws I don't understand how 46% parenting, major gap in income equates to the equivalent to a 35K salary payed into my ex for 17ish years? I'm buying all the things and stuff to parent 46% of the time, I can't think of what would create that gap. If its just because she hasn't bothered to get a regular job (despite a masters degree I paid the loans for) There is no incentive for her to make money, she will only give up child support? Or she won't because the calculators let her keep her improved income? If I improve my income she can ask the courts for more? Considering I can't actually control my income and career anymore, this sounds horrible and defeating?

Q2.5: I've read the law that we are trying to create a quality of life similar to what it would have been if the divorce failed. OK, first. not to point fingers but she cashed out of the marriage. I've never seen any legal/contractual argument that you get paid for defaulting. She has experience with defaulting on contracts (hind sight). She was defaulted on her student loan and was recovering from bankruptcy when we got married (don't laugh at me). Thing is, she is getting a massive amount of money and perpetual income for her failures (not to say I wasn't in that marriage but like so many marriages, it "had problems" only when she was unhappy. I was unhappy but wasn't leaving) Its insane to think you can cash out of a legal obligation and gain so much profit.

Also, on creating an equal quality of life for two homes that would have existed if the marriage hadn't failed. Well that is mathematically impossible. Also, I'm to presume that you take my income and career trajectory and you extrapolate it out based on some "average"? What if something goes wrong? Like a pandemic, depression, having to change priorities to take care of your kids, wanting a new career (asking for a friend)? This points back to the slavery question and makes all this a scary ball of poop where any failure results in horrible things for me.

​

I want to:

Redefine my work and personal life to raise my children, that will mostly likely require reduced income, but I value parenting over income (hind sight, should have before, but that doesn't even matter now).

I want to focus my income on my efforts to create MY home for MY kids. It is in their best interests. I have no faith that my ex will use the funds I provide in a meaningful way and I have significant proof she has not skill or knowledge in this area.

​

​

She has a masters degree and is currently tutoring because she doesn't want to dive into full time work because we have a young child. I don't know why I have to fund that decision for her household. I can't make career decisions anymore apparently?

It would be best for our children if she finds financial in depends. Its only causing more arguments and strife. This system is not only oppressive, it is very much making the children's life harder. I actually was very stressed about taking care of 4 other humans when we had an in-tacked family, what I have in-front of me is not good for my mental state, my finances, and my ability to produce the things that make our children's future better and I'm so frustrated.

I am all for launching her into a new independent life and us finding separate ways to raise our children and co-parent as we need. Even funding that transition with retirement, alimony, and "start up" funding and even subsidizing her income for a long time. That is not what I'm seeing though. what is in-front of me makes that almost impossible. The calculators, the laws, the systems are all working against my ability to create equitable separation.