My SO and I have been married for 7 years. It started out complicated. I was visiting the US from another country and met SO. I ended up over staying my visa because I was in love (we had been together for almost a year at this time).

I was working in the US at the time (grey area - another long story) and had made a lot of sacrifices in my home country to get the job I was doing. I got notified that I had overstayed my visa and that I had a couple of weeks to leave the US.

During that time SO begged me to stay and get married. I never wanted to get married and struggled with the decision even going as far as considering just ghosting one day. It was an emotional 2 weeks but I ended up agreeing to it.

The first 2 years went well, but since then it'd turned into what feels to me like a friendship. The intimacy has disappeared, conversations are surface level (if we even have them at all), our value systems have drifted apart, SO has stopped taking care of themselves and I'm no longer physically attracted, sex happens a couple times a month, if that, and is what I would consider duty sex, very mechanical and routine, the same exact thing every time. Afterwards I feel cheated, and SO pretends that we are "more connected than ever" but I can't imagine SO is being honest with themselves.

We have spoken to a therapist before and it never helps for more than a week or two. At this point I feel like we are just no longer compatible and capable of meeting each other's needs.

After the past 5 years of this, I finally broke down and met someone a few months ago and I am having an affair. I am not justifying my behavior, or making excuses, though from my perspective, the last 5 years have been lonely, with no family or friends nearby to confide in or spend time with.

I decided I want to get a divorce. I don't want to do it because of the affair. I want to do it because I can't imagine spending another 5 years of my life living this lie where I bullshit myself into pretending I'm happy with hoe life is going.

SO had a high paying job (almost 3x my incone), I have a good career and I'm moving up in the world. There are no kids involved. And if I go through with this I won't want or expect any sort of compensation or reward etc from SO. I want it to be clean. Though I understand that is rarely the case.

SO is a great person, a better person than I could ever be. I want SO to be happy and find love with someone that can meet their needs better than I can, I know they feel unheard and neglected just like I do, but for some reason those things have become harder and harder to discuss over the last 5 years.

I am terrified of hurting SO. They don't deserve that and I'm already seeing their face / the pain once this conversation takes place, and that is what hurts me the most. Despite my flaws and fuck ups I really do care about SO.

I guess my questions are these:

• How do you recommend I bring up this topic? • What should be done first (before and after the conversation)? • What can I expect - we don't own any property together, no joint finances, no children etc, is there a way this will bite me in the ass? • How long will it take? • What should I do in the coming months to prepare for the conversation? Ideally I'd like to have it early 2023 • Dos and donts • Any other advice

Thank you