Married for 9 years to a lawyer (I'm not a lawyer) who has many lawyers in her family (no lawyers in my family growing up). Initially in our relationship, I was in training for medicine and studying or working around the clock. I came from a background of not enjoying arguments, as they made me freeze up, and I generally tried to minimize arguments and often didn't make my needs a priority in order to keep things chill and positive. I felt guilty for being unavailable so often. This was not a healthy dynamic for many reasons and I've worked on being more comfortable with establishing boundaries and holding firm when disagreements arise. Over the last few years, we've had a lot of tension in our marriage unfortunately and we've been in individual and couples therapy for over 3 years. During this time, I've had to make peace with the fact that we'll likely never achieve a dynamic that doesn't involve her periodically becoming very intense and aggressive during disagreements. She just seems to need a certain amount of friction! And while I'm getting used to tolerating this, I am aware that she is often using argument tactics that are quite manipulative. She also frequently projects uncomfortable/intense feelings onto me. Via therapy she's gained some awareness of these tendencies (via very heavy lifting) but she seems to be generally unaware of doing these things in real time.

During this remote working era, I sometimes overhear her talking to clients/opposing counsel, and I hear her engaging in some of the same tactics that she does with me.

As I struggle to stay optimistic about the viability of our relationship, I am wondering if anyone has advice, insight, etc about how to (1) achieve some version of a harmony at home with a spouse who is a lawyer who seems to have a need for a certain amount of friction or arguing and (2) navigate her utilizing manipulative argument tactics in order to pursue her agenda at the expense of our connection/intimacy.