I don't understand how a woman can view this as assault? I commented on the post and was shut down immediately. Am I delusional or is this woman making a situation out of nothing?

Actual post below.

Just realized something I experienced years ago was, actually, assault (CW for SA, minor drug use)

I need to get this off my chest. Years ago I went on a date with a guy, and it was a bad experience, but I downplayed it for years and didn't realize/wouldn't admit that it was actually possibly assault:

He negged me in the bar ("You don't have a boyfriend!? Why don't you have a boyfriend? Is there something I should ~know about you~? Ha ha"), but I figured I was a grownup (I was 26) and he was hot and I was going to get mine and get laid or whatever, so I went home with him anyway. He seemed smarmy, but he was really hot and I'd gone home with strangers several times without anything bad happening beyond mediocre sex. And I cannot say this enough – he was hot. And I didn't have great self-esteem, just a lot of bravado.

So everything was ok until we got to his place. He showed me around a little, and here my memory gets a little hazy, but he actually shoved me a few times – it seemed like he thought he was being playful, like – it was just on the right side of plausibly deniable, if that makes sense. But he did very much shove me at least a few times.

And then we went into his bedroom and smoked some weed. I was already kind of drunk but I had some anyway. Maybe on some level I felt I wouldn't go through with this otherwise. Or maybe there was implicit pressure. My memory is pretty hazy.

I remember him being very forceful with kissing, very physically aggressive generally, and I felt very passive, like I was just – complying, or something. We didn't have penetrative sex, but he went down on me, and I think he held me down, during which I remember feeling like I was floating outside my body, or just kind of... remote, like I wasn't fully there. And he spat on my vulva. This was not something I'd ever experienced before during sex and I was not into it, but I didn't say anything. He pulled my hair really hard. None of it felt good. Why didn't I stop him? Why didn't I just say I wasn't into it?

Maybe I did stop him at some point, because the next part I remember is standing outside on his porch with him as he smoked a cigarette, explaining to him that you have to check in with people before being rough with them during sex. He said he was a feminist, because he had four sisters, and they wouldn't have "let him get away with anything". But I don't remember saying no, or stop, or anything, during sex. I don't remember.

I don't know why but I went back in the house with him. Why did I go back in the house with him?? I think maybe we made out or something, though I don't really remember. But he put on the tv at some point and eventually he passed out. I lay there on the bed next to him until I felt sure he was asleep and not going to wake up, and then I got my stuff and left the house as fast and as quiet as I could. I remember my heart pounding. I didn't even put my coat or shoes on until I was a block away. Then I called a cab and went home. This was January in Toronto, about 4 am.

The next day he texted me saying he had a good time and was confused why I'd left in the middle of the night.

I told my roommate what happened and I cried, but I don't think I felt like it was assault. I still feel confused about it even now. Was it assault? Or was it just bad sex and I was scared for no reason? I thought I didn't have any trauma or whatever around this for years, I thought I processed whatever it was within a week or so of the event itself, and I only was triggered once (I was at the gym about a week after, and smelled something like the guy's cologne, and felt nauseous for a few minutes).

My husband and I have talked about this several times, most recently last night, when he said that it definitely was, and he's been waiting for me to realize on my own time and on my own terms to admit it to myself. But there are things that point to me having issues around it – I am ok with my husband pulling my hair during sex, or being rough with me during sex, but not at any other time, even when it's playful. I guess because I trust my husband, and we've negotiated these things verbally – so during sex it feels safe. Also, there have been times when I've needed to stop sex with my husband, and when I say stop, he stops immediately. So there's that. My husband says that maybe I never said stop or no with the guy because he (they guy) had shown me immediately that he was willing to use physical force on me.

I don't really know why I'm posting this here. Not really sure what I'm looking for – do I want someone to tell me, yes, it was really sexual assault? Do I want someone to tell me it definitely wasn't, that I overreacted? That I should have just got up and left, way sooner than I did? A little part of me feels like the reason I didn't was because I wanted another notch on my bedpost, so I could be a "real" twentysomething having sex with guys and having fun, so therefore it's my fault, really.

I don't know. I haven't thought about this in years.

(Mods, if this is inappropriate for this sub, please feel free to remove/not post it, I checked the rules and FAQ but I could have missed something.)