I was raised in a single parent household, learned to become the provider. I became successful in all areas of my life when it came to physically fit, financially, intelligence and driven, I have my own business now, my own place, I also have a career where I make six figures and have my own car.

I struggle with reconciling the oneitus love I had for a particular ex. I realize now she was never going to value me for me, but she did only see me as a success object. But due to my BP programming from years of being raised in a all female house (mother, sister) and 10 years in a previous career under a female manager.. I did not have that masculine acceptance of my own beautiful sexual nature as a masculine man.

I was told to reject those feelings indirectly and I thought this is what women wanted. I felt bad every time I used to look at a women in a sexual way or even watch porn, I felt guilty. Now I realize that those women in porn are the most honest women on the planet because they are truthful of their sexuality and that they want resources for that.. Where typical women will manipulate men in order to get the resources for their sexuality.

I still can't help but feel like I wanted to be seen by my ex as a who I am as a person. But she never did reach back out to me when I would casually text. I indirectly mentioned a week ago of my salary and she responded back with messages... I am so utterly heartbroken that the only reason she ever cared, wasn't because she loved me.. But only valued me according to her needs.. All the other things I did were meaningless, the gifts, listening to her problems, teaching her skills.. Helping with her career.. Those were my BP programming.. And I realize this.. But I can't help by wish she actually valued them, and she never will because NO-WALT..

How do I reconcile this?... How do I get free from this sadness?

(I am successful everywhere else in my life: I lift, I box, I own my own business, I have a career, six figures, own place, own car)